Pics

What do you see when you look at this picture? Note: This is not a trick question.

Me, I see a giraffe. Max, he sees a train track. :) He saw the train track right off as we enter the zoo and was more interested in find it, then any animal we saw or didn't see. After he spotted the train depot, forget it. He spent the rest of the time ensure he was going to get to ride it. We weren't even finished with the ride when he started trying to talk me into another one.

Max climbing on one of the trains at Travel Town.

At the beach which is in walking distance to the zoo. Look at that long wild hair. I need to get him in soon to get it cut, but just haven't had the time and don't want to send him with Noemi because I didn't like the way it was cut when she took him, he's been screaming his head off ever sense that time, and I want to try to find a new place like maybe a cheap Barber Shop if they will take a kid so little that is an unwilling participant.
Another beach shot. Notice the scrapes on his cheek and right eye from a face plant at the zoo.


Isn't Max getting so big and grown up looking?

Jinx

Not only did I jinx myself, I was wrong. See, I never should have said things are staring to look good. Apparently, I failed my 1 hour GDT. It was 172 and should be under 130. Now, I failed the 1 hour and passed the 3 hour one with Max, but the thing is I KNEW I failed it last time. I'm resigned to failing the 3 hour and adding Gestational Diabetes to the equation. Ugh! I've been reading this Preemies book by Linden, Paroli, and Wechsler that someone recommended to me, you know....just in case and I'll need to go back and reread, but could have sworn that GD is a risk factor in preterm labor and makes using trebutaline more risky to stop PRL.

Oh, and I feel like crap. Chest cold, cough, body aches, probable fever, and a headache that won't quit. Plus, running very short on sleep.

Weekly "C"'s Canceled -----> Looking Good!

My weekly cervix check has been canceled until further notice. Peri says all is looking well, no major changes over the last few weeks and at this far along, he thinks they will not. And, this after a very busy weekend including a trip to Travel Town, The Santa Barbara Zoo, The Beach, a meal out, and a family BBQ. More activity and away vertical time than I've had in awhile. So, if bad things were going to happen due to too much activity (which actually has not been proven as a cause of incompetent cervix and all of my big bleeds have happened when I was horizontal), it would have been after all this. What a relief! Good thing I wasn't too worried, but worried enough to get loose plans in place "just in case".

Today was also a "growth" check on the twins and he followed up on the items he couldn't clearly see from a few weeks ago. All looks good. Both babies measuring 21w6d and I'm 21w4d by my calculations. They are both breech...little buggers...are they trying to tell me they would rather not go through the birth canal? [My OB will do a C-section unless they are both head first at the time of delivery] There cords are central...which sounds like a good thing. The girls placenta is posterior and the boys anterior ...if I'm remembering that correctly...and not sure what that means, but don't think it is either good or bad, but just is. Basically, all looks good.

Lest one think that I shall not be getting sufficient monitoring. Sounds like I will still be seeing the peri every 3 weeks for a baby growth check. And, at my next OB visit, I'll start seeing her every two weeks and will get an u/s then for a quick heartbeat check.

Where did my friends go? - Edited

It is enough to break your heart. Max almost had me in tears this morning as we said the last goodbye's to my sister and her family. I had been telling him they were going to go bye bye this morning, but I don't think it really registered until they got in the car and left. He started crying and asking where his friends were going and that he missed them and wanted them to come back. As crazy as life will be with three (and Noemi was laughing this morning watching the controlled caos this morning with my sister and her crew saying that's going to be me soon), I know it will all be worth it to have a larger family. For Max to have siblings. He can and does play well on his own, but he LOVES having other children around. He bosses just as much as he gets bossed. He teases just as much as he gets teased. He plays nicely. And, he just loves it. He really is going to love having a brother and sister around to entertain, be entertained by, and boss even if it does mean he gets a bit less mommy time. Also, makes me even more sure that he is ready for preschool this fall.

Edited: After posting this, in stead of forgetting that which I wrote, I realized that I have an extroverted son. An outgoing extroverted son. How did that happen? :) As a child, I was a shy introverted child. I worked on the shy part of it over the years and now most people meeting me would never guess that about me or the fact that I'm introverted. By introverted, I mean that I get my energy from within myself. I need time to rebuild and regroup and downtime away from people. Maybe that is why it was such an "ah ha" moment that Max is extroverted. He and I can look at the same event differently. Me, glad to have a wonderful visit with my sis and her kids, but glad that I will have the place to myself tonight to recharge. Him, sad to have a wonderful visit with his cousins and aunt and uncle end, because he thrives on the interaction and sheer fun and chaos of it. Kind of amazing, this son of mine and how similar and dissimilar we can be.

Whew!

I'm having a great visit with my sis and her family, but ...whew...am I tired. They are leaving in the morning and while I'll be sad to see them move on since I don't get to see them much anymore, I'm ready to get back to our normal routine and more horizontal time. I have managed some, but not as much as I normally have been getting. However, it's all been worth it to see Max have so much fun with his cousins. He was so tired tonight that he must have poo'd and fallen straight to sleep. And, he slept through me changing his diaper. However, he's so over tired and I think going through another growth spurt and is waking in the middle of the night with aches and pains. Not helping with the tired thing for either of us, but I keep reminding myself that it is just a phase and will end soon. However, even being tired, he has really been a trooper and been very well behaved tired and all...even better than his much older tired cousins...if I do say so myself. I'm really proud of him.

A funny

In what should have been a "coaching" opportunity for Max, if I could have stopped laughing......

Yesterday was my mom's 65th Birthday. Her sister is in town visiting her. And, my sister from NJ is in town with her three (4th grade, 2nd grade, 1st grade). So, the house was full and we were just sitting around hanging out, talking, letting the kids play.

I was getting in some horizontal time on the couch, with my sister sitting at my feet at the end of the couch and a few kids were in front of us playing on the computer that was on the coffee table.

My mom, who is sitting across the room, asked Max was in his mouth. I couldn't really see him and wasn't worried about it, but she was, so she called him over and had him hand it to her. Being a mostly obedient fellow, he complied. She asked him what it was. He responded " A bugger". (sp?...as in snot:)

Oh, if you could have seen her face.... We all just fell out laughing. My sister and I laughed about it all evening. So. probably not really funny, unless you were here. But boy did we laugh.

21w

My "roll over" day is Thursday's. As such, I am 21w0d today. One week closer to viability. I guess I should say 210d by my calculations and that of the IVF calculator I used based on ER/fertilization. My OB has me measuring about 4 days ahead of that based on some old archaic cardboard wheel of some sort. In a few short 3.5 hours my butt needs to be in my chair for an early work meeting and yet, here I am wide awake after this little boy came in an hour or so ago saying he needed a cuddle. A quick pee stop on our way back to his room, 5 minutes of cuddle, 1 small fit when I carried him back to his bed when he WANTED TO DO IT HIMSELF...reverse...let him...and his back asleep. Ah, wish it were so easy for me. No worries, I'll just be tired tomorrow, but truly that is nothing new. It really doesn't seem to matter how much or little sleep I get, I'm just tired. Functioning, doing what I need to get the basics done and sometimes a bit more, but often not much, but tired. And, I tell myself just to get used to it cause it's likely not going to get any better here on out for oh, maybe 3 - 5 years. Good thing that, in general, sleep isn't that important to me. Although, I do read those new stories out that indicate getting less sleep increases odds of being over weight and obisity with a morbid interest and wondering just what one can and should do to get more. Like so many things in life....if it were just that easy.

Same ole

Nothing really going here. Just doing mundane things like filling out paperwork for Max's preschool, faxing in my pre-registration for the hospital I plan to deliver in, getting ready for visits from my Aunt tomorrow and my sister and her crew (the one from NJ) over the weekend, getting contingency plans in place just in case things go south fast for this preg. and I end up in the hospital, and work has been keeping my busy, busy, busy.

However, I've been thinking about just how HARD life can be sometimes. One of my longest and closest friends in the area just found out that her 4 year old daughter has Type 1 Diabetes. She has just had to deal with one bad thing after another the last few years include cancer and loosing two children during PRL. In our brief talk today when she sounded so sad and tired and overwhelmed, she made a comment that maybe there is no good or bad anymore, just the next thing to deal with. To make it worse, they just moved 2 weeks ago and she hasn't even gotten out of boxes or gotten settle yet. I have another good friend going through a nasty divorce with complications and worries that it will affect her foster situation on top of all the other worries. And, yet another friend who cycled at the same time I did with Max on the same protocol where she hyper stimmed and got OHSS so bad she had to be hospitalized and I was canceled for poor response. She finally got her arms around cycling again, this time with only mild OHSS, and got her very first positive pregnancy only to find out it wasn't viable. The D&C was a week ago. Her RE is not recommending further treatment since she reacts so badly to the meds. Another friend who desperately wants a sib for her child and been t42 almost as long as I have to expand our families who has run out of sperm and not been able to get more. Another friend who cycled and got pregnant when I did with the twins and lost that pregnancy, having to deal with a few other issues before she can try again. She started trying for #1 before I started trying for Max Another friend that has done countless IVF's, finally made a big decision to move to surrogate, had a bad cycle, with a negative outcome and doesn't know what, if anything to do next, when she still doesn't have a baby in her arms. These are just a few people I know IRL that are all struggling or having to deal with disappointments and heart ache. There are more with varying degrees of emotional roller coasters they are trying to go through. Sometimes, it can all just seem so bleak and hard and overwhelming. No point really in getting into all this other than to wish I could just take away all the pain and the hurt and just make things a little easier all the way around for all these woman. And, yet, it makes me proud to be a woman because they are so resilient and strong and just keep on getting on and find the joy where they can and can still laugh and be happy for others or lend a hand to someone else in spite of their own hardships.

And, so life goes on...same ole same ole with the mundane along with the big stuff like worrying my pregnancy will end badly, or finding out your daughter will need to take shots for the rest of her life, or loosing a pregnancy, or the loss of a dream, still trying to fill a dream, or the end of a marriage, or whatever other big thing that needs to be addressed.

Holding Strong

My cervix is holding strong. Today's check measured it at 4.3. The last two have been 3.7. Blood clot still sitting on top of the cervix. I had the peri and his nurse (who is his daughter) laughing when I made a comment about who wouldn't want a weekly check with the dildo cam. He had never heard it called that before, but liked it and said he might start using it during talks. I agreed he should and just to let people know that was the "technical" name for it.

Progress indead!

When I had Max in the bath tonight, he wanted to get out quickly saying he had a poo poo and wanted to go do it on the grass. I grabbed him and put him on the toilet and then offered/he asked me to leave. He sat there for about a minute or two and said he was all done, but no poo. So, I told him if he wanted to go do it on the grass, that was fine. He didn't and we finished our bedtime routine. After I put him down, I grabbed some water (ignoring the complete wreck of a house/kitchen and decided to take a warm bath because I was really stuffy in the nose. This is very problematic for me pregnant because it increases my chance of barfing exponentially. If I'm stuffy or have drippy nose and bend over to get something off the ground, put something on the ground, or anything like that it is a guarantee I will barf. And, I just wasn't in the mood.

I just turned the water off started enjoying my bath, when I hear this call for "mommy" through the monitor. Crap! I debate whether to go check on him or not and decide if he calls out he has a poo poo, I'll go otherwise, I just check after my bath. Instead, he came to find me to tell me he had a poo. I made a big deal about how proud I was that he told me, got him cleaned up, and let him take a bath with me as a reward. Hey, got to give positive reinforcement on this type of thing. Since I was wet and naked and not so inclined to trapes across the house for a poo poo bag and toss the soiled diaper outside, nor was I in the mood to smell such scent while enjoying (much less so after Max joined, but hey worth it in the long run if I don't have to clean up poo mess in his room ever again) I called him over and let him watch me toss it in the toilet and let him flush...again telling him how proud I was of him for telling me. When we were in the bath, I made a point of telling him how much nicer it was for us to spend time this way than for me to be cleaning up a mess. Maybe this is not the ultimate cure, but sure a step in the right directions. I've orded a few more books last night from amazon, most of them poo related that I figured may help and wouldn't hurt.

In other news, I decided that there really is a God today. Max napped. A nice long one. After church we went over to a friends for brunch and a swim (they just moved into a new house with a heated pool) and...even though I shouldn't admit this...inquired whether drugging my child so that he would nap would be wrong. :) Ah, didn't even have to resort to that. Good thing. Cause if he had not sleep, this afternoon really, really would have been ugly on so many levels. Domestic crisis averted.

Progress?

We were out for most of the day and it was a hot one. My exterior car temperature reading showed 108 when we got in it to come home and the seat was too hot for me to sit. So, I stripped Max to his diaper before I strapped him in and when we got home asked him to take off his pee pee diaper and throw it out. Oddly, he wasn't so keen on this which was a surprise since he goes au natural pretty much every chance he gets and he told me he was going to go into his house to do it (which is in th back yard). I was tired and needed to rest so I said, great, and kept on doing what I was doing which was laying on the couch doing nothing. I had a passing thought wondering if he had to poo, but discounted it because I can't even remember the last time he poo'd when it wasn't in his room during nap time or before bedtime. After a bit, he came in and threw his diaper on the floor and went back outside. He came back in a bit later and said he he had poo'd outside. Sure enough, he had, right on the grass like the doggies.

Progress? Others may not think so, but actually, I was thrilled because it was done outside of his room (although still in private) and it was not smeared anywhere or a huge disgusting mess for me to clean up. He had the doggie pooper scooper right there for me, I scooped it up and tossed it right out with no fuss or no muss. Hey, if he's not going to leave his poo diaper on to be changed or go in a toilet, I guess I am fine with this for now.

In other news, I think I may have felt the babies move the last few evenings. Okay, so it really felt more like a soccer match or some type of brawl than mere movement. I could be wrong since I don't have a lot of sensitivity in feeling baby movement and rarely felt Max even though u/s showed him active as all get out (and I'm really not great at feeling contractions either and didn't feel much in that regard until I was almost 7 cm dilated in the hospital and then it was painful enough that I getting an epidural was high on my list.)

The good; The bad; and the Ugly

My OB appointment update.....

The good: My OB is not concerned with my cervical length. She doesn't get concerned until it gets below 2.5. And, I have been at 3.7 vaginally with the Peri and was 4 yesterday abdominally. She confirmed that the length equates to effacement which is measured by percent when done manually and with numbers (cm?) when done via u/s. So, 100% effaced would be equal to 0 measurement, meaning ready to deliver. She thinks Dr. D, the peri, is just being safe...rather than sorry. She felt the blood clot on the cervix would not put pressure on the cervix and cause it to efface, rather it would more act like a plug (which I have actually found to be true and have thought the same thing).

The bad: My peri is conservative. Good, thorough, but cautious. My OB said she often argues with him on many things* and that he doesn't get how life altering and stressful some of his decision can be, like putting someone on weekly cervix checks or hospital admittance. However, what the peri says goes. As my OB said, she has referred me out for his expert opinion to help her monitor the pregnancy and she can't very well disregard his advice...because what if she did and then something bad happened. I get it. I really do. I guess cautious and conservative are probably good in the long run. She also confirmed that it is too late for a cerclage. At this point, it would be considered an emergency cerclage which hasn't been proven to be effective and at this point would be more problematic than beneficial (mostly because the cervic is much softer now and not as adaptable to a stich or two)

The ugly: The only bed rest I will have for this pregnancy is of the hospital variety. Do not pass go. Do not detour. I'm still pretty freaked out by that possibility, but at least I now have the formation of a plan should that occur. Not finalized, nothing confirmed, haven't had the needed conversations, but at least I have a plan in my mind that could work. My OB, bless her heart, said that if I got slapped in the hospital**, she would ensure I saw my son and even offered to have him come stay at her place which is walking distance to the hospital (my nanny won't mind, Max would fit nicely in between the baby who is 1.5 and the toddler who is 3.5, and one more kid won't matter much. :). I told her if push comes to shove she may regret that offer. She agreed that she would not put me in until at least 24 weeks and would be even willing to go to 26 weeks (because really, there isn't much point) and that she is hopeful that it won't come down to that. There are several reasons for hospital bed rest instead of at home, mostly being the drugs they use (like trabutaline) have side affects that need to be monitored because of the affects.

The plan: If my cervix starts to shorten more, she is going to put me on progesterone therapy. While it hasn't been proven to help with multiples, she felt the sample size for that is small. And, it can't hurt, may help, and heck, it's only progesterone which is an old friend of mine. Probably it would help the sleep thing. Other than the shot itself and the sore bum, I actually am quite fond of progesterone. Starting at 24 weeks I'll start visits every two weeks with her and in addition to a cervix check, I'll also get "swabbed" (forget what it is called) to measure the likelihood of delivery in the next two weeks. Additionally, she's going to start me on a round of steroids, just as a precaution, to help speed up lung development in case things go south fast. And, here I am as I type this, sitting in the lab for a 1 hour glucose tolerance test. If I pass, I still have to do it again later in the pregnancy (assuming I get that far) and if I fail, well, straight to the 3 hour one. It was all I could do to not barf up the liquid, but I didn't...although I did gag a few times. I few sips of water would have helped a bit, but alas, that is against the rules.

* My OB is the wife of my much beloved RE who was tragically killed in a car accident late 2006 leaving her the single mom of 4 young children including one who was born just a few days after he died. There is a picture we both cherish of her, me, Dr. N, and Max in the hospital after Max was born. As she said, that's what it's all about. Dr. N helping women get pregnant and Dr. P helping to deliver them...creating families. I wouldn't go so far as to say Dr. P and I are friends in a social sense, although we could be if the situation was different (like I didn't live about an hour away and we both didn't have work and small children and life that keeps us busy), but we do have a special bond. A bond much more that a typical patient/doc relationship.

** The hospital is probably only 35 or so miles from my house, but in LA traffic you need to estimate 40 - 60 minutes of travel time each way. I chose it when planning my delivery for Max because it has very high success ratings for both preterm and full term deliveries as well as vaginal vs. cesarean deliveries. It has the highest NICU rating around. And, while you need to take 2 - 3 freeways to get there, there are two different routes that can easily be used. I would have to go into Los Angeles for other hospitals with as high a NICU and almost equal ratings, but there is really only one route I can easily take and that is fraught with traffic and problems at the best of times and at high traffic times...forget it. Anyway, the hospital isn't just around the corner and Max's nanny won' t drive on freeways, not to mention who would watch him at night and on weekends. It has been on my mind and I've been worrying about it a bit since I went to the weekly cervix checks. Hopefully, I won't ever need to execute it, but this is too important to leave to chance and last minute. I need a good solid plan in place. I've got about a month to get it figured out.

Note: Written first thing this morning while doing the 1 hour glucose tolerance test, but with no time to post until now. BTW, will be surprised if I didn't pass the glucose test. I failed the first time (with Max and knew it because I felt so awful) and passed the 3 hour with him. And, it gave me a little bit of headache, but didn't feel really bad like I did the time I failed.

Fortified

Now that I'm fortified with about 90 minutes of sleep and a late night snack, I should be fortified enough to re-write my post...but, I'm not feeling the inspiration at the moment and should probably try to get back to sleep so that my ass doesn't drag all day tomorrow like it has been.

Having mentioned that I was down a pound weight wise since last months OB appointment, I figured I would share that I feel like I never stop eating. And, my tummy is getting bigger so I'm I'm just reshaping, My OB and her office manager laughed at me as I walked down the hall to go deposit my pee sample because I've already started the pregnancy waddle and I showed them how I was almost out of tummy room in the shorts that got me through the end of my pregnancy with Max (and I'm only 20 weeks).

What was my late night snack you ask? Since I stopped for groceries on the way home from the OB because there was basically nothing left in the house to eat. Yes, there was still some milk and some frozen goods, but that was about it. Anyway, since I just had done a big shop and there was food, it had some good eats. I started with a yogurt (which oddly enough I usually don't particularly care for, but it looked and sounded really good at the store today). Decided I was still hungry so cut up and ate half a cantaloupe. Then, a stick of jack cheese. Still feeling the need for more, I moved on to three small sweet pickles with a side of sharp cheddar. I think another bottle of water and I might be good for at least a few hours.

Maybe I'll be able to settle down and get back to sleep soon. Why am I awake you ask? Because Shadow was really struggling tonight. I'm a light enough sleeper that she just has to breath heavy and I wake up, which is usually what she does when she has to go out to go potty. However, tonight, it's like she has a pinched nerve or something at the base of her spine or her hips aren't following the commands of her mind. I helped her out and back in and she's now sleeping peacefully at the moment. I hope she's better in the morning or at least able to coordinate her limbs a bit.

Damn it!

I'm really pissed at the moment for several reasons.

1) My son was not sleeping as I thought. No, he was having a poo. Then climbed up on the changing table to take care of it himself again and instead go poo all over the blinds, himself, and several other things. I took one look at the mess and quickly walked to the kitchen sink to puke. I think I got it all, but it's dusk in there and his light isn't working so will have to check again in the morning. I was not amused by any stretch of the imagination. He better get over this phase pretty darn fast or I am going to duct tape his diapers to him like a commenter suggested. I have heard this is more of a boy thing related to potty training and it well may be. But, I'm so over it. Now, I just need to convince him to get over it and to either poo in the toilet or leave it in the diaper and call to me to clean it.

2) I am so tired, but rallied to write up a post about my OB appointment today and was almost done. I checked to make sure it was saved before dealing with my poo boy, but came back to the computer sideways on the floor and the post gone. I'm too tired to redo it now. The highlights are babies seem fine, cervix hadn't changed and my OB said, not really a huge concern unless it starts to get below 2.5 (and my measured 4 today via abdominal u/s and have been 3.7 vaginally with the peri), my blood pressure was slightly up but OB said still really good, I lost a pound since last month, I'm to go for a 1 hour glucose tolerance test tomorrow and we will retest again later in the pregnancy. More later after I get some rest.

3) I'm sleeping like crap and have developed this cough/respiratory thing which is a pain in and of itself, but even more so because of this urinary inconstance thing I have going on with this pregnancy. Even if I have just sat down and emptied my bladder, I'm still getting leaks. And, every time I lay down to rest/sleep I start coughing and have to sit up (and hope it doesn't lead to another puke episode).

I'm just not amused with any of it. As I told Max, "I'm tired. I'm crabby. And, I don't like it. At all!".

Weekly "C" Check

My weekly cervix check was fine today. Same as last week 3.7. I tried to ask peri a few questions, but he didn't seem so inclined and I'm so tired I can barely see straight so I let it go since I am seeing my OB this week anyway. I did learn that once a cervix shortens, it's that way for the rest of the pregnancy. However, I also learned that if it doesn't continue to shorten by 24 - 26 weeks, it probably is not going to shorten. So, the biggest risk is in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

One order of patience, super sized, please

It was just one of those days. One thing after another. You're cleaning up one mess and an even bigger one is created. Sigh.

Max came in my room chipper as all get out at 3 am sans diaper or PJ bottoms saying "Good Morning! Good Morning!" with a big smile on his face. I let him cuddle for a few minutes as I explained it was too early and he needed to go back to bed. Some milk, a new diaper, and PJ's and he actually did fall back to sleep. Otherwise, I'm sure I'd be asking for more than just one order in the patience department.

On the way to church Max told me he didn't want to go to Sunday school today. He wanted to go into the Church so he could be loud and talk and dance and he wasn't going to be quiet. Thank God there was Sunday school. Although, he did insist we go into "cry room" so he could get his loud and talking and dance on after service.

After about 10 minutes into nap time, Max got quiet so I thought maybe against my expectations he had actually fallen asleep. I thought about checking, but didn't quite get there. About 45 minutes later he comes out, again, sans diaper or pants. Turns out he had a poo. It was sitting on top of his changing table all rolled up like Noemi or I would do with it along with several hundred wipes where he cleaned up himself. Or, at least tried. His bottom was actually pretty clean, but the pillow and the cover to the changing pad probably had more than any of the wipes.

And, things kind of just went down from there. I'm tired. I'm a tad crabby. Dinner isn't sitting too well in my tummy. The house is a complete wreck in spite of the picking and clean up after Mr. Disaster most of the day. And, I have an early start to the work day tomorrow. Yes, Max is already in bed and I still could use a bit of patience.

Mystery Solved

We were out and about with friends this morning and mid morning I realized I had poured, but not packed a cup of milk for Max for the ride home in the car. I figured that I had just got side tracked and left it sitting on the counter. When we came home, I searched and searched and could not find it. Yet, I KNOW I had poured it into a red cup. I decided to go rest since Max was in bed and look again later. Maybe not that big of a deal unless you have found an old sour milk sitting around curdled and smelly before. Not pleasant. Anyway, I figured it out. I had poured it and left it sitting there. Max saw it, got it, and drank it and returned it to the other side of the counter. Good to know I wasn't completely loosing it.

We have not been able to find the remote control for our TV for well over a week and probably almost two weeks. I've searched. Noemi has searched. It didn't seem to be anywhere. It has been driving me crazy and I keep looking in the same spots I've looked before. Noemi had looked under the couch at least twice that I saw with my own eyes. I decided that the only logical place it could be is under the couch and I needed to suck it up and look there myself. Not only is it difficult for me to get up and down, off the ground like that but that type of movement...especially at night...is a trigger for vomit. But, I was determined to find it because we can't watch any of our prerecorded DVR shows without it. And, there it was. Right there. In plain site. Close enough to the edge I didn't even have to go get a broom or something to help fish it out. Sigh. I guess sometimes you really do just need to do something yourself if you want it done right. At least it is now found.

One of the things we did this morning was go to travel town to see and ride the trains. Max just loves, loves, loves this place. We went with a few friends, which I think just added to his excitement. One of the friends bought Max and her daughter a train whistle in the shape of a train with bubbles inside thinking that the bubbles would come out when you blow, which didn't happen, but this did not diminish the joy of this gift for Max. While there he kept running to the fence every time the train came past and blew his whistle along with the engineer. Probably the funniest thing he said all day (over and over and over) was "EVERYONE needs a whistle". He loves it so much he wanted to take it to bed with him. Ah, sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference.

Random, mostly Max, thoughts

Yesterday, Noemi told me that Max told her that "momma is both my mommy and my daddy". I didn't quite get the context it came up in, but something like "X is so and so's daddy; Y is so and so's mommy. Mommy is both my mommy and my daddy". Hmmm. He and I really haven't talked about the daddy situation. I have explained, simply, that we are a mommy and kid family and that Dr. N helped mommy to get pregnant and Dr. P helped to delivery him. I do acknowledge other people's dads to him, don't skip over daddy situations in books or movies. But, he hasn't asked and I have just let it lie until he did. I guess he hasn't asked because he has figured out something in his own mind on this all by himself. It would be interesting to really know that he thought. I'm sure I'm not going to get off so easy in the long haul, but at least for now he's come to a conclusion he can accept.

We converted Max's crib back to a toddler bed today. He and I have been talking about it for a few days now and he said he wanted me to and I would counter that we would give it a try, but that he had to stay in his bed and not get out at bedtime. He did a good job of that tonight. I heard him quickly open and close his bedroom door and run back to his bed. It's been 20 minutes so I think I'm good. I'm sure it helped that he caught my cold and didn't nap again today. What a difference 7 months make when we last attempted this.

Instead of napping, Max poo'd in his crib today. However, he was very careful about making sure the poo stayed in the diaper which was nice. Then, he climbed out of the crib and onto the changing table, which is where Noemi found him when she went to check on him.

I often think that OT must be working, but that life was so much easier when Max had difficulty taking off his pants/diaper and wasn't so confident in his climbing.

Max has been totally playing Noemi to get his way lately. It really could be a post in itself and I mentally wrote it, but alas, never got it to print. He's done things like take black marker to his train track and train table, cry for candy in the checkout and get his way, and other such shenanigans that are just not an issue with me cause he knows it isn't going to work no matter how much he cries so he doesn't bother. It's not that I'm a strict disciplinarian by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I've been asked more times than I care questions like "who runs this house" or "the show" or whatever. The thing is, I decided early on that I didn't want to or plan to do battle all the and decided what I cared about and what I didn't. Personal safety, caring/compassion to others (i.e. no hitting me or the pets, being nice to friends), and destruction of property were tops on the list and I'm consistent pretty much 100% of the time. So, I've had to talk to Noemi and remind her she is the boss when I'm not around, in front of Max, and it has gotten better...as far as I know.

Yesterday afternoon, I'm working and hear Max and Noemi go out back to play. A bit later, I see her look out into the front yard. My first thought was, she doesn't know where he is. So, I go check and sure enough. She goes to check inside although I told her he wasn't in there and I find Max all the way down the block and around the corner. Some neighbor boys saw him and were bringing him back. Of course, he was only in a shirt, nice and bare bottomed with his penis exposed on this adventure which really isn't all that unusual around here since that is his preferred method of dress and he can just take it off whenever he wants. Apparently, he was riding his bike and rode it into the courtyard, out the front gate and down the road. I'm not sure what Noemi was doing. I think probably waiting for him to come back into the back yard and only went looking after he didn't come back after a bit. All's well that ends well, but I wasn't happy. Mostly, because I had just told her that she needed to watch for that and to keep the front gate chained to prevent such escape.

Shadow somehow hurt her right arm. She's up and moving, but limping quite a bit. I didn't have Noemi walk her today like she normally would, but took her out front a few houses which made her so happy.

I started pulling out my old maternity clothes. I guess I should have done it earlier. They barley fit and are so uncomfortable. I don't feel like I am yet as big as I was at the end with Max, but the clothes tell me otherwise. Also, I think maybe my stomach is just shaped different. I had a pair of shorts on today that had the belly panel and it actually had some space left, but the bottom of the shorts below the panel where just digging into my belly and almost hurt. Baby A (the boy) is taking up the lower half and Baby A (the girl) is taking up the top half and I guess I'm just bigger. I guess I should go shopping at least internet since i don't think I could stand otherwise, but...just haven't gotten there. I'm going to be in a world of hurt for clothes soon.

Dinner gave me heartburn. I can't sleep on my right side because my arm, hand, and wrist go numb. My left hip is hurting from the pressure of my weight all night. And, although I'm trying not to be, I'm worried about the shortened cervix thing.

Whew!

Taxes are into the accountant, which is a huge relief. Next big task on deck is moving sperm to CCB so that some of it can be shipped to a family in need trying for a sib. Then, really must, must, must get Living Will and Trust set up.

Interesting Items to note in regards to 2007 spending and self judgment on said amount:

Clothing: $629 - Good
Dining: $1603 - Better than I thought
Groceries: $9700 - Yikes, guess it will only get worse from here
Fertility: $47500 - Sigh. See, my 50k estimate wasn't far off
Gas (for car): $1500 - Better than most

I guess I really need to make a budget for next year, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to operate in the red due to increased child care costs.

Health wise, I'm doing fine. Just tired. No bleeding. No spotting. I had really weird dreams last night including, but not limited to a doc telling me that if I stood on my head I could dislodge the blood clot from sitting on my cervix. And, no I didn't try that today, just in case.

Good, Fine, Bad, Good

The good news is that both babies are alive, kicking, moving, and measuring at 18w6d with good heartbeats. The peri did the full L2 scan. Everything looked and checked out good with Baby B (the girl). Everything he could see for Baby A (the boy) looked good, but he couldn't seen everything so I have a follow up in 3 weeks on that to see if he can get a better look. I'm sure that all is fine in that regard and the same thing happened to me with Max, although with Max it was the heart and something else they couldn't see instead of the brain and something else.

The bad news is that he could see a big blood clot sitting right on top of my cervix and my cervix was only measuring 3.7 (I think) instead of the better than 5 that it has been measuring. So, it is almost a certainty that I will bleed again (more a question of when, not if) and the worry is that the clot sitting on top of my cervix will continue to cause dilation, which would really not be good, not good at all. So, I'm on weekly cervix check appointments with the Peri until further notice. Egads, no, no, I am just not going to catch a break with this pregnancy, but you know, I'm fine with every frinkin hurtle being put up as long as there is a good outcome.

The good news is that it was fabulous to be at opening day at Dodger Stadium and the Dodgers won a 5 - 0 shut out against the SF Giants. It was great to see my friend and have actual time to talk without child interruptions. Hard to stay worried and stressed after spending an afternoon outdoors at the ballpark of a good game.

18W

My personal goal is to make it to 36 weeks, at least. A week or two more would be bonus. July 31'st is exactly 36 weeks. My OB has my expected delivery date to be 8/11/08. August 28th would be a full 40 weeks, which didn't even happen with Max, so I'd be shocked and I'm sure down right miserable if I go that far. I've been told that I should strive for 8/8/08, because it would be a "cool" birthday and I kind of have to agree with that. However, all that feels like a luxury and I'd really like to make it to the 36 week mark. So, that being said, I'm at the halfway mark today. This pregnancy already feels like it has taken forever and I'm not even really half way there. July and August feel so far away. I still have another 6 - 8 weeks before I even get to the point of viability. Ah, well, I'll just keep plugging along taking it day by day. I know, in the long run, it will all be worth it. And, the female hormones are a wonderful aid in helping ensure you forget the worst of the worst of it.

Basically Fine

The Tylenol PM helped a lot both in terms of cramping and allowing me another hour or two of sleep. I'm still very tired though and have a cold. I was still cramping and sore this morning, but went back to just spotting. I called the OB's office to confirm that nothing really could be done other than an u/s/live baby check. Since I have my first peri appointment next Monday. I'll just wait until then. While I'm feeling a lot better than the first tri, over all, this pregnancy just sucks. The heartburn has been bad and my hands and arms have started to go numb when I sleep. This actually happened towards the end of my preg. with Max and has to do with the nerves going through the shoulders and getting pinched because in general I don't stretch them enough and pregnancy causes some swelling. I know that I should just be grateful and not complain, after a hard ttc road to just be pregnant, when so many people don't get the opportunity at all, and I really am grateful and hopeful for a good outcome. Still this pregnancy sucks is so many ways.

Another one, edited again

Well, I had another bleed episode tonight. I can't say it was a big bleed, but a bleed it was. And, I'm feeling kind of crampy right now. I was just coming back from a trip to the toilet and just like before felt a big glob of blood just come out. It's an odd feeling as is all just oozes on out. I was able to grab some tissue to mop things up at tad before trooping back to the bathroom for cleanup. Of course, yes, I did just change sheets today and put on a brand new only been laundered mattress pad. Sigh. I'm leaving the sheet mess until morning unless I bleed more. I guess it is too much to asked to just have the blood plop out when I'm sitting on the pot or something. And, now I'm left wondering if this was the result of the toddler kick from the other night or something else. I had pretty much attributed the other big bleeds to the CVS. Who knows? Maybe there just is no good reason.

And, I'm hungry, but don't feel like eating. Too bad Max ate the last protein bar for a snack today as that would be perfect right now.

Edited: Having fun now. Decided a bath was in order and bleed on the floor while I puked in the sink. Just flem and water, but still. Have I mentioned I have a cold? Sore throat, sneezing, nasal congestion and post nasal drip. My pregnant stomach does not do well with flem in it at all. So, proceed to do a quick wipe up, get into the tub, and eat a bowl of cereal. As much as I've vomited, I guess you get a bit blase about it. I'm still cramping and having residual bleeding. More than I would like, but still not in proportion to the "big bleeds". I hate this. It would really suck to loose the pregnancy now what with Max telling everyone he see's about having a brother and sister in mommy's tummy.

Edited, again: Very, very, very crampy. Passing some pretty big size clots into the toilet every 10-15 minutes. Just took some Tylenol PM to see if that will help or at least help me relax/put me out.

Starting to get it

Max seems to be getting the fact that I'm pregnant. Or, rather, that he is going to have a brother and sister. He's not all the way there yet, but he's processing it.

Noemi told me that Max told his swim teacher today that he had a brother and a sister. At dinner tonight, he wanted to know where they were. I explained they were growing in my uterus which was in my tummy along with my stomach. After his bath, I showed him the u/s picture from my last visit. He studied it pretty intently for about 5 minutes while I explained, again, from dinner that they were in my uterus which was in my tummy. He kept saying "that's my brother" and pointing to baby A and "that's my sister" pointing to baby B after I showed him. He said he wanted them to come out and asked if they came out of my belly button. I explained that they would either come out of my vagina or the doctor would make a small cut and take them out of my uterus around here. He wanted to know where the "gina" was. And, I didn't show him, but reminded him that boys have penises and girls have vaginas (we've already covered that a several times by now). I also explained that the babies were still growing inside and wouldn't come out until they were big enough and we said and counted the months until August. We talked about how when they came out they would be babies (to which he got a big smile on his face) and that they would then come and live with us and be a part of our family. He repeated back a lot of what I was telling him to me. Then, he wanted to take a picture of them. I explained that the pictures when the babies were inside could only be taken with a very special camera by the doctor. He thought about that for a minute, then started singing the Wiggles song "no more joey's jumping on the bed" song, which led to "no more alligators jumping on the bed", which led to him wanting to what Little Einsteins Golden Pyramid which has alligators in it. And, that was that. He did bring it up a time or two again about having a brother and sister. Hmmm, how the mind works is incredible.

Ouch and Ick!

Last night as I was trying to dress my overtired, candy loving son, I got a two footed kick right to the bottom of my uterus. To say it hurt would be an understatement. Good thing I love the kid and I know that he knows not what he did. So, now I'm a bit worried about another big bleed and have been spotting more. Sigh. I'm trying to put it behind me because there is not a darn thing that can be done.

Max was overtired because once again, he refused to nap, even though he had been up since God awful 3 something in the morning. Sigh. The good news is that my threats worked and he actually stayed in his crib. The bad news was that he poo'd and took off his diaper and yes, everything in the crib needed to hit the laundry. Then, last night, he was got almost 12 hours of sleep, stayed in his crib, and poo'd this morning, taking off his diaper, and yes, getting it all over everything. Sigh. At least we are making progress in the staying in the crib part, right?

Oh, in looser in the mom department and didn't take one picture of Max on Easter or his Easter basket or anything. Sadly, I didn't even THINK of it until an hour or so after he was in bed and asleep. In spite of the lack of sleep, I think he had a great time this weekend. He loved his Little Einstein Rocket with the 4 Einstein's from the Easter Bunny. He has dug into his basket with a vengeance saying. "MMMMM, I love candy. I love it. Mmmmm" or other such sentiments. Last night and today when I mentioned something about Easter and the weekend, he would take my hand and shake it and say "Happy Easter". Ah, I do love the kid so even though he can be a royal pain sometimes.

No sleep sucks!

Yes, stating the obvious, but getting no or little sleep sucks. I'm so tired. Can we just have a moratorium on today? I'd love to spend the day in bed. Sigh. Not happening.

There was no more sleep to be had last night. Lot's of crying (Max), threats (me), and neither of us getting any more sleep. He was fine when I finally let him get up. Me, my ass is dragging. I guess I'll get up and fake it until I make it. But, I swear, the kid better nap today...or else!

Adrenalin Rush

OMG, my son, my son....what am I going to do with him? I was in a dead sleep and wake up to my bedroom door opening (normally when it is just he and I, I sleep with it open, but Nanna stayed over last night), the cat meowing (as he climbed up the stool and onto the my bed via the cat bed), and crawled over to cuddle. The time on the clock? In the vicinity of 3:40 am. I cuddled with him a minute to calm my adrenalin rush. Then, told him it was still the middle of the night, night night time and he was going to have to go back to the crib. To which, he scampered off my bed, told me to "stay there, stay right there", and went to play with his trains. I got him some milk, a fresh diaper and a fresh shirt (since the one he was wearing was wet), cuddled with him a few minutes, put him back to the crib, waited in his room a few minutes for him to settle, told him in a stern voice he was not to climb out of the crib again and if he needed anything to let me know. It's been about 10 minutes so maybe all that work. Nap times have been non-existent since I just can't keep in the crib then. Bedtimes haven't been too bad because he's completely exhausted. I'm not quite sure how to handle this. I really wanted him to stay in the crib until at least 3.5, almost another full year, but don't think I'm going to make it. Maybe I try to convert to toddler bed and just train him in that now, then I have one less crib I need to acquire. It would be easier to ponder this if I were not exhausted and Max and I were getting enough sleep.

The thing is, Max is smart enough that very soon he's going to realize that he doesn't have to come directly to me and will just start playing or doing what he wants when he wakes up. I guess I will try to repair that whole in the crib tent and see what happens.

Thank goodness I had put the easter baskets on the kitchen table this year (because the coffee table was filled with toys and junk and I was too tired to clear it) and Max didn't see them or I'm sure there would be no more sleep to be had today.

Well, he hasn't reappeared yet, but he just started singing. Sigh. I think it is going to be a long, long day.

Oh, btw, Happy Easter!

Praying for patience

I've spent most of the day praying for patience (on and off since 11 am). Doesn't bod well and isn't a good start for a 3 day weekend. I've wished several times that I didn't give Noemi the day off. Max hasn't been horrible awful, but he hasn't listened very well and seemed able to push my buttons easily. It's not as if we didn't do fun things. I took him to his gym class, we colored easter eggs (my word that was a messy affair that really had me doing self talk about about staying calm), we blew up and filled his little pool with water and played in the back yard. We did fun things and I only snapped at him and raised my voice a few times (of which I'd feel guilty if it seem to bother him at all, which it didn't...sigh), but it was a long, long day. And, yes, he is already in bed. Hopefully for good. He's started climbing out of the crib again, in spite of the crib tent. When I locked down the zipper so he couldn't get to it, he made/crawled through a whole in the netting.

I'm tired. I'm crabby. And, even water is giving me heartburn today.

No Lie

As soon as I posted the whole no spotting thing, I went to the bathroom and ... yes, more blood. Sigh. See what I mean about jinxing things. Then, the time after that was blood and "debris". But, at least there was no big bleed over night and the spotting seems to be slowing down if not completely stopped.

I shouldn't say this

I'm sure I'm about to jinx myself again and will probably end up with another big bleed or something tonight as a result, but....I haven't spotted since early this morning. I go to the bathroom a lot. Too many times a day to count. And, every since that first big bleed episode, every time I wipe there is blood. Sometimes watery and pink. Sometimes dark and old. Sometimes red red. Occasionally, there is what I'll call "debris" in the bottom of the toilet. Not clots, just stuff that I don't spend too much time analyzing. Anyway, the point is....since early this morning I've been spot free. Let's hope this is a trend to continue and not just a precursor to more blood.

"Sure, sweetie"

Max was taking a bath tonight and I asked him to do something...wash his body I think...and his response was "Sure, sweetie". Oh, he slays me.

I wasn't laughing this morning when he woke up in that 4 am hour. Some milk kept things quite for another 40 minutes or so when I started hearing "Momma, I want to go poo poo in the POTTY". Or, some various type theme. He can be relentless. I ignored him as long as I could. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and went to check on him. He had is pants and diaper off. Sigh. So, he got freed from the crib, which usually doesn't happen until after 6, but what's a mom supposed to do? No, he didn't go poo. I was trying for stellar mom of the day award and climbed back in bed and told him if he really did poo to let me know so I could wipe his bottom. He came in a few minutes later and told me he couldn't close his eyes anymore and did I want my light on and no he didn't go poo poo. I told him he had three choices 1) going back to his crib 2) climb in bed and cuddle with me or 3) go in the other room and play and that if he turned on my light he was going back to his crib. Smart kid that he is, he chose door number 3 and (mostly) went to play on his own while I listened for problems and dosed until a more decent hour.

Still trying to win stellar mommy of the day award, Max had candy from the Easter basket that his nanny brought for him today and milk for dinner. Hey, I put my foot down after he had 3 small pieces and offered many more healthy options, but was told to "close the fridge door momma. I don't want it." Again, what's a mom to do?

I finally got around to getting new shoes for Max this weekend. His feet are 9.5 now. I'm not sure what is normal, but that just seems so big and grown. I think the last time I bought him sues he was only a 6 or 7. He's been wearing some hand-me-down shoes from a friend recently.

Max has started telling me within minutes of waking up that "No nap today. I don't want a nap today." My response is usually something like, fine, he doesn't have to nap or sleep, but he does need to spend time in his crib during nap time. He's been taking me at my word and not sleeping. This doesn't bother me as much during the week as it does on the weekend. He gets and needs and earlier bedtime these days as a result.

In other news, I'm 16w4d. I'm still spotting on and off. Mostly doing and feeling fine, but tired. I'd like to say that I've been productive, but alas, can't. Really, must make an effort to pay bills soon.

Whew!

I should probably say that the best part of the day was spending time with my son, or all the family and friends we saw today. But, I have to say that, for me, the part of the day that made me happiest was finding my long lost car keys. They have been missing for at least 2 and maybe even 4 months now and I've been using the spare set. Good thing I never got around to going to the dealer to get new ones. The second best (non family/friend thing) was when I stopped by an estate sale benefiting the Golden Retriever Rescue I foster for to check out their baby stuff. Sadly, not cribs, but they did have a small little tykes car for $10 that I got for Max. They also had a nice double stroller, but were asking $75 which was too steep for my blood. But, by the time I went back to the car for the money for the car, I ran into the lady from the rescue that matches me with the foster dogs and she was so happy to see me and said they had a present for me and took me to the double stroller. She was so excited and told me it was a gift. I insisted on donating $20 to the rescue for it. Still a good deal. The worst part of the day was having a vomit fest tonight (ah, haven't missed that the last week or so). And the second worst part of the day was not getting a break with and being really busy.

I'm company free for the first time in awhile. It's just me, a sleeping Max, a tired dog, and a sleeping cat. Whew! I need some alone time tonight.

Went public

I just went public at work about being pregnant. And, the response so far has been great. But, I am irrationally nervous. In an ideal world, pregnancy has no barring on work, but the world isn't ideal and I know it will be factored into things. So, the worry is two fold. One, now that I've gone public something bad will happen and I'll have to tell them. And, two, nothing bad will happen and worse case it will be held against me, moderate case I'm subtly judged as a result (not of being pregnant or having more children per se, but because of work assignments, impressions of my work performance, etc.). Ah, no going back now. It had to be done.

OB Apt.

Had another OB appointment today. Both babies seemed to be doing fine and were a few days ahead of schedule. Seemed to me like Baby B's heart rate was a tad slow (142 I think) and I thought I saw the u/s tech write something like low amniotic fluid, but she said all was fine and in range. My OB was out delivering babies so I waited and waited and waited and finally the other OB popped in and saw me, said all was fine, I should start seeing a doc every 2 weeks with the first peri visit in 2 weeks and 4 weeks back to my OB. No one seems concerned that I'm still spotting either. I must say even I can't muster too much concern over it these days either, although I do find it rather annoying and I'm so over it. Other than the waiting, the biggest problem was that I have been laying down for a bit as a late lunch in the afternoon once all the east coasters are gone for a short nap and I didn't get that today so I'm all tuckered out.

The Pea Removal

The pea removal actually went much better than I thought it would. After church, but before I picked up Max from his Sunday school class, I called several of the local Urgent Care Clinics. All of them referred us to the ER as they were worried that if there were difficulties it could block off an airway. So, we headed over to the ER all the while Max telling me he wanted to go home, he didn't want to go to the doctor, etc. and so on. I had to pull him out of the car and drag him screaming and crying through security and into the ER. Everyone was so nice and we were in and out in less than an hour. This is the second time I have been to this ER (the first being when Max had his first breath holding spell/stopped breathing) and I have had as positive experience as one can have considering you were in an emergency room. We were in within a few minutes of filling out paperwork. The lady that brought us back for a quick medical history and vitals was quick to assure Max that she wasn't the doctor (as he was screaming that he didn't want to see the doctor:) and put the blood pressure on me first before him and other such things to calm him. When we got taken back to a room, he started crying again, but calmed down and started checking things out when I sat on the chair instead of the bed with him and opened the curtain so he could see the comings and goings. The ER doc was great. He came in, did a quick look in Max's nose to confirm a pea was actually present and then went to get this really great tool that blows a bubble up behind the object and allowed him to quickly pull out the pea. It was all really quite quick. I wonder what it says about me that he started to ask if I needed help holding Max down, took a quick looks and said, no you have it covered. LOL. Hey, got to do what you've got to do and I'm still a lot bigger than him. I really felt like I found the perfect doc for the job. He was telling me that he used this tool in NY 10 years ago when he was a resident and he used to carry a personal one in his locker until he convinced the hospital to invest in some. And, he laughed when I told him that the Urgent Care had sent us to ER saying that was because they didn't know about this handy little tool because otherwise it is much harder with higher risk. He said the manufacturer isn't very big or well know, but (my words) they have a great nitch market. It just went well. The security guard and I were laughing because the kid who went in screaming and being dragged left with a smile on his face skipping. Then, we were off to a special Jamba Juice treat before home and nap time. Of course, we played "doctor" on and off after the ER trip where Max was the doctor and I had (at least 100) peas removed today (by one of those baby nose suctions). Before bed, he was getting on his Nemo cell phone and calling the doctor to tell them that 'Momma pea in nose. She WANTS IT OUT". For awhile, he was Dr. H (his ped) then he was "another doctor". Probably the funniest thing in the whole event was that after the pea came out, he wanted to see it so I let him hold it and I think he was going to try to eat it. I told him that one was going into the trash and we could get a fresh pea at home to eat. Lots of role play while he worked it all out and processed it all. Each time he pretended to get a pea out for me, he made sure it went into the pretend trash. Gosh, he is so darn cute and funny. All and all, I think we both got off easy on this one. And, I think he learned a huge lesson on how we don't put thing in our nose (or ears). I'm sure he won't be forgetting this lesson any time soon.

The Drama

As I told the on-call pediatrician tonight as Max was hysterical saying he didn't want to see a doctor "the good news is that he ate all his peas and asked for more, the bad news is he said he put one up his nose". The ped gave me a list of things to try to get it out, but said that if I couldn't I needed to take Max tomorrow to get it out. Since Max woke up crabby from his nap clearly not feeling well and with a runny nose, in addition to his very clear desire NOT to see a doctor, home treatments to dislodge said pea were not successful. Now, I didn't actually see Max do this, but he told me he did and that he wanted it back. It really didn't seem to bother him (unlike the call to the doctor), but apparently, if left tissue can grow over it and attach it and then it becomes a bigger problem. As I was trying to sleep...physically hindered by heartburn, a stuffy nose, and a tad of nausea...I was thinking of what a drag it was going to be tomorrow to deal with this and wondering if this was something Urgent Care could address or if it meant a trip to the ER. Fortunately, my insurance company has a 24/7 nurse line and a quick call to them, a nurse indicated that Urgent Care was the recommendation and showed me how to find close centers that take my insurance. Oh, joy of all joys. This is going to be fun -- NOT. At least Max went down without a peep and hopefully will get a good night sleep, but he is going to fight this every step of the way. The plan is to get up and go to Church/Sunday school as planned then I'm going to call the two closest centers to make sure they are open, they can deal with this situation, and how long is the expected wait and go from there. Oh, my poor baby, he was so upset tonight. And, I predicting more of the same tomorrow.

Labels

I took time off work this week to finally attend one of Max's OT appointments. It went fine. It was good to see what goes on and talk to the therapist. She says that he is doing great and may not need services after he turns three (when it moves over to the school district). Max seems to really like it and have fun. When we first got there and were walking back to the OT room, the therapist said something like "Max, you brought your mom today". Then, asked him "whose this? who did you bring today?" He looked from her to me a few times and I could see his head spinning trying to understand what she was asking since she already stated that she knew I was his mom. After a moment, he said "The cuddler". She's the cuddler." I gave him a big smile and told him how much I liked that.

Today, we got together with some single mom friends at a park. K, who is a few months younger than Max, and Max had a wonderful time playing with each other. Calling each other over to play on different parts of the play structure together and such. K knows my name and calls me by it frequently and even today while I was sitting at he picnic table. However, when we were off playing, I was "Max's Mommy". It was so cute.

Normally, I'm not a huge fan of labels. For instance, Big Fat Cow and Bitch are two I can do without. But, I have to tell you that I kind of liked both the cuddler and Max's mommy ones. Okay, who am I trying to kid. I liked them a lot.

On other news, the "M" key is no more on the laptop. Sigh. A hazard I expected at some point since I do let Max often play with the computer, but one I was hoping to avoid for a bit longer. Probably, I won't get it fixed since the laptop was so inexpensive anyway, but we will see.

Also, no more big bleeds. I'm still spotting and tired, but overall starting to feel better than I have in awhile. I still occassionally puke, but not nearly as often, especially if I avoid food from 3 pm - 8 pm ish no matter how hungry I think I might be.

Other than that, spending some time reading some mind candy novels and trying to get caught up on paperwork and bill type items.

All's fine.

As far as I know, all is fine. After the big bleed on Saturday night, it turned to spotting just like last time. Still spotting, but it is now old blood. I decided to just wait until next week to see my OB because really, there is nothing to be done anyway and I'm still feeling miserable enough that it is unlikely they are all dead in there. Sunday was busy with Church and taking/picking up a friend to/from ER and Max has been torturing me by not napping then waking up a lot at night. Last night it was something like 11, midnight, 2, 3, and 4:15. I don't really remember Sunday night. It wasn't as bad, but still several wakings. So, I've just been chilling, reading, and pondering whether I'm mildly depressed. Max finally took a nap today which means bedtime is pushed back. But, alas, no nap for me so I'm tired. The good news of the day (other than the whole Max napping thing) was that I didn't vomit at the dentists. Brushing of teeth is still a vomit trigger for me and probably it was a blessing that I barfed at home in the sink brushing before I left. I'm pretty sure I didn't role my eyes at her when she started lecturing me on how important it was to brush after puking cause it was like acid. Like I didn't know that would be the ideal gold standard. Hey, I'm just doing the best I can here.

Sleeping peacefully until.....

For the first time in weeks, I was not awaken by Max who has been boycotting naps and sleeping like crap at night. No, I was have a great, sound sleep, dreaming (although about what is completely gone now) when I get woken by another big bleed. Blood everywhere. Blood such as there could be no thought of leaving the sheets until morning and enough that it soaked through the mattress pad, a shower was the only way to clean myself and all over the floor and rugs. A big mess that is now mostly cleaned with the washer going. I'm not amused. Even less amused that the cleaning lady (my last hold out of luxury from my pre-Max days although I only indulge monthly now and will have to drop when the twins arrive...if they arrive) was here today and every thing was spic and sparkle with nice fresh sheets. The good news here is that I was at home this time. And, I'm actually less freaked this time since it has happened before and it happened before the SR with a good u/s after that so it leaves me hope that an outcome other than doom and gloom is possible. Oh, and, I'm back to vomiting again in the evenings. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely. Crap!

Just as well

Several of my good friends are out for dinner tonight. It's been on the books for awhile and I was sure hoping I would be feeling good enough to go, but made a final decision to not go this afternoon because even though I wasn't even spotting I have been feeling quite crampy all day/afternoon and this was with spending most of the day in bed. Since I just had a major barf fest such that my bathroom sink is clogged with it (can't face cleaning it up just yet) and I started spotting again, it's just as well that I decided to stay home tonight. Sigh.

No so bad

After that initial blood trail, the bleeding wasn't really bad last night. More like heavy spotting. Then, since 5, really just light spotting that isn't even making it to a pad. I hope that trend continues for the day. Very tired. Very broken sleep again, but I think we are at the tail end of this poor sleep cycle since Max napped yesterday, then sleep in until 6:30 am. I did almost throttle the cat though when he started meowing for me to let him out at 5:30 am when he can and does use the doggy door. Anyway, I'm going to see how the morning goes, but may not even try to go see the OB. However, I do plan on calling the SR doc and get her opinion on that.

No making me happy

Sometimes, I think, there is no making me happy. I actually felt almost like a normal human being today. A tired one, yes. But, normal. And, Max hasn't been sleeping well waking up several times during the night and getting up extremely early...that dreaded 4 am hour. I had a passing thought that maybe all the babies are dead, then reminded myself how unlikely that was and that finally it was just being on the downward hormone swing anyway, then with two.

Max woke me up out of a sound sleep about an hour ago to tell me that he "didn't want Big Jet" (who does pretty mean things in a few Little Einstein episodes". I told him that's great because Big Jet isn't here and Big Jet is just pretend anyway. Then, he told me he needed a fresh diaper. Refused to have PJ bottoms put back on, and back to bed he went.

I went back to bed, trying to get back to sleep. I just got up to go to the bathroom that is probably less than 20 steps from my bed. And, damn it, I'm bleeding again. In those few steps it had dripped down my legs and there was a path on the floor from the bed to the toilet. Thank goodness for wood and tile floors, eh? No warning. Just like that. Now, I'm feeling crampy. I hate this. I was told it wasn't uncommon to have some bleeding after a SR procedure, but to let them know and only get really concerned if I was filling a pad in 60 or maybe it was 30 minutes. Sigh. Have I mentioned how much I hate this? Probably, hopefully, everything is just fine and I won't loose the entire pregnancy. In the mean time, I'll try not to worry since there isn't a darn thing I can do anyway. I'll call OB tomorrow and see if I can get in again and SR doc (who I was really impressed with as she called early this evening to see how I was doing and I told her well with no cramping, bleeding, and was starting to feel better...damn, I probably jinxed myself by saying those words).

I guess things are just not going to be easier here for this pregnancy ever. I just finally start feeling better and now have to deal with this repeat bleeding episode. I really, really hate this.

ETA: See? I knew it was too good to be true that I actually desired food and was able to eat dinner last night something that literally hasn't happened in months. God? Universe? Really, I never have to eat dinner again if it means keeping and delivering two healthy babes late this summer. Honest! In related funny Max news, all night he kept wanting to "talk to the restaurant (yes, dinner was take out/pick up) and ordered "cheese, salad, one of these, okay thanks!" with the phone in one hand and the menu in another.

Out of the mouth of babes

Do you think it is a bad thing that Max asked me if I was tired and then told me I should go lay down and take a nap?

Or, yesterday, when I told him he was cute, he got a big smile on his face and said "I'm smart"?

Or, when I told him I really liked his singing he told me to clap?

Or, when I asked him a few days ago if he wanted a diaper and he told me "I want to be a bare bottomed boy"?

He's got a memory on him that one. And, hearing your words come back to you in the same tone is something else (funny, and good, and humorous sometimes and annoying and telling and scary at others). The latest is when you ask him if he wants something and he does, he will say "ohhh, yes!" in precisely the way that he has heard me (not that I realized that until I heard it parroted back)

The deed is done

Well, the deed is done. It was actually done this morning. Although the SR doc doesn't require strict bed rest, I decided to have a lie in this afternoon/evening anyway. Max hasn't been sleeping well. I haven't been sleeping well. Lots of wakings, then hard to get back to sleep. So, I came home and took a short nap, then started reading a book.

I was completely fine to go/be there by myself. It hurt some, but a lot, lot less than the CVS. I'm just glad that God forgives sinners with probably the worst sin being that, at least at the moment, I don't feel any remorse. I feel relieved. I feel a certain peace. I feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe I'll start feeling better. The strain of carrying three was really getting to me in so many ways. I'm supposed to start antibiotics tonight just in case. The same antibiotics I was suppose to take and couldn't keep down last week. I'll do that tomorrow.

A gem of the day was finding out that hormones peak at 10 weeks and so that I should be on the downhill slide anyway, but that it will improve more and faster likely with only two.

Another gem was finding out that the fact that I rarely can keep prenatal's down would not have affected the babies. That they get what they need, just deplete me and my reserves. I can feel that.

I am now carrying b/g twins and I'm fine with that. When the procedure was over, I thanked her for her kindness and her compassion and for being willing do perform such difficult procedures. My entire life I have strongly supported a woman's right to choose, even if I didn't think it was ever a choice I could make, because you never know what a persons situation may be at the time they make that decision. I have supported planned parenthood and candidates that support pro choice because it is an issue that always has and likely always will be important to me. I never felt more thankful that the "right to choose" was available to me today.

I feel like I should feel guilty or bad or emotionally wrought or something. I don't. At least for now. I still feel like it was the best decision for me and my family, maybe even more so after talking with the SR doc about odds and percentages in general and in my case in particular. As I've said, as she said, the only way to know for sure what would have happened is to go down that path and accept the risk.

Thank God that I live in a free country and had the right to choose. That's what I've mostly felt today.

One step forward, one step back

Back to not feeling so great. Not awful, per se, but not great either. No vomiting, just nausea and heartburn. I'd rather have vomiting over nausea.

Things that irritated and annoyed me today:

Max waking up too early then kneeing me in the stomach while hanging out in bed. It hurt a lot. Thankfully, no bleeding or spotting or anything too bad.

A work meeting that has been on the calendar for weeks for my new role where the person stood me up.

Noemi getting home at 2 pm (his nap time is at 1 and I like him/them back a little after noon so he can have lunch and settle a bit) with the reason that Max was having so much fun he didn't want to leave. As I've told her before, Max is the child and she is the adult. If it is time to go, it is time to go and he will get over it. She is the boss not him.

The SR doc's office today calling to tell me that 1) they haven't received the CVS results yet 2) they called my insurance and were told that the procedure wasn't covered 3) the needed to move my appointment time. Taking things in reverse order...the friend that was going to take me can't at the new time. I'll be driving myself. After two calls to my insurance company (I'll spare you the details), got that all worked out with a three way call doc's office. We were able to get the CVS results from my OB's office which is easier than the place where the procedure was done.

Wish I was feeling better. At least Max is in bed/asleep since he didn't take a nap.

In other news

I was down 10 lbs from my last OB appointment when I was in the other day.

I haven't v*****, P****, or b***** in the last two evenings. Must not actually say the words so as not to jinx the situation. I had heartburn yesterday, but have been feeling pretty darn good today and was able to eat...no was compelled to eat...was starving and required feedings every 2 - 3 hours.

I'm peeing up a storm up to every 10 -40 minutes.

I suspect that Max may be color blind. He is terrible at his colors and only gets "orange" consistently right. From the kid who was pulling up the letters off the hall floor several times today and carrying them to me and telling me the correct letter (only got L and Q wrong) and then (thank goodness) going and putting them back. It doesn't add up. He's pretty skilled at diversion and distraction so only started to really pay attention and focus on it the last few weeks. I always thought that being color blind meant that you may have difficulty telling shades like blue, green, and purple. Or, red or orange. I did a quick read on it last night and it seems to fit as he gets red/green mixed up and maybe even yellow/blue which just threw me off until I read Anomalous trichromacy is a common type of inherited color vision deficiency. Of course, I could be wrong and he could just be really, really bad and naming colors. I haven't gone back to look, but I would have remembered if this was on the donors profile and there is no history on my side either. I'm going to keep my eye on it and ask his teachers to look as well. I talked to Noemi the other day, but he named every color right when I was asking in front of her, but only after we had been working on it that morning before she came and I'm almost positive that he just repeated back/memorized what I had told him a bit earlier.

The OT eval went well today. He liked this assessor much better than the other one. Maybe because she was an older mom with two young boys at home and related better to him? Anyway, she felt like his case was borderline and will just recommend to keep up services underway. She said if he wasn't already receiving services, based on what she saw, she wouldn't have recommended it and only for me to focus on helping him write/hold pens, pencils, and crayons better. I had requested an independent eval after Max had started OT and the therapist downgraded his fine motor skills (from 16 - 18 months at 26 months to 13 - 14 months at 29 months), but also recommended only once per week (when two were in the original recommendation and approved/funded) after there were scheduling issues from what they told me was available and what actually was available. I figured that the variance was because it was his first session in a totally new environment and I wasn't there. I haven't yet had a chance to go to a session yet, but am going to try to go twice in March and have my work schedule blocked.

On Wednesday, I gave Max the choice of underwear or diaper. He chose underwear. No accidents. On Thursday, same. On Friday, he chose diaper. Today, he chose "no diaper", but did have an accident. I'm sure my fault because I didn't turn off the TV and go take him to sit on the toilet even though I was pretty sure he had to go. Tonight, he asked for his "potty book". He looked at the pictures and read it for about 5 minutes before allowing me to read it once.

Max seems to be favoring his left hand these days. Makes me wonder if he is going to be a "lefty". He is getting quite good at moving the mouse on the laptop and navigate to where he wants to go on Disney Playhouse and this morning did it all with his left hand. Then, tonight he was doing it with his right so who knows.

Max is a witty, funny guy.

One of his favorite things to do these days is chase/hunt the cat and when the cat runs Max laughs like it was the funniest thing ever and says "I'm so silly". When I reprimand him and tell him it isn't funny and it isn't nice. He just laughs harder. Sigh. I guess this fits under the boys will be boys category and I don't condone it, but don't really know how to stop it either. The only thing that keeps me from getting too worried is that he will never catch City so can't hurt him.

Max had a dentist appointment this week. The entire drive there he was calm but kept saying he didn't want to go and didn't like the dentist. He screamed the entire time his teeth were cleaned (my choice to either wait or have it done despite his protests) and then again when the dentist was looking in his mouth. This morning, we spent about 30 minutes playing dentist. He would put his hand by my ear and the other by my mouth (I'm assuming where they held his head steady) and told me "It's okay. Almost done." (like I told him at the time). Then, I got a balloon. :)

Tonight, before bed, we had read books and I sang him a made up song while he pretended to sleep on the floor. He's been trying to convince me to let him sleep on the couch, in my bed, on his floor, on the small bed (the folded up tumble mat that we use for various things such as forts, a slide, etc.). After I captured him and had him crib contained I was sitting in the rocking chair for a minute or two. Me: Max, I really enjoyed spending today with you. I had a good time. Max: Thank you, Momma (said with a big smile)

That early morning red spotting was an isolated incident for today. I occasionally had slight pink on the TP and once had a bit of old blood, but nothing new. So, maybe the blood had just been sitting up their waiting for me to get up for the day to drain out, getting out of bed was just too much of a strain (ha ha), or resulted from the BM. Who knows. I'm not complaining.

Today was actually a really good day. I felt better than I have in awhile. I was able to have a lot of rest and horizontal time and still spend good quality time with Max even if it did include too much time on the computer and watching TV.

Hmmm.

I'm upgrading myself to being slightly concerned from thinking things had resolved and "fine" from yesterday. I really thought when I went to bed last night that I'd wake up and a wipe of TP would show nothing. I was only getting occasional light spotting getting less and less with some old blood yesterday as the day progressed. This morning, there was a lot of bright red fresh blood on the ole TP and I'm having mild cramping. Nothing like the other day, but still. It's fresh. It's there. It's telling me this is not fully resolved. So, I will try to take it as easy and be as careful as I can today and this weekend. Max has yet another OT eval (long story but at my request) this morning at 9:30 am so that will break up the morning. And, he's awake and calling "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy come here" so I got to go.

Update

Down to just spotting. Light pink fresh. Nothing like yesterday. Cramping basically gone. I'm still really tired. I slept a lot, but fitfully waking every few hours last night. I'm going to do a few work meetings this morning then head back to bed for a bit just in case. But, I think all is going to be fine. If nothing else, the episode reinforced in my mind that reducing is the right thing to do and that for me it is too risky to not.

Home

I'm home. I'm crampy and still bleeding a lot. The babies are fine with good heartbeats and the placentas looked fine. The cervix was closed and long and fine. And, as the OB said, there's a lot of blood. Don't know why. May or may not be having a miscarriage or as she said "spontaneous abortions are not uncommon in a triplet pregnancy." So, time will tell. If I start gushing blood call her and go to the ER. Otherwise take it easy, "not that it will help", and time will tell the tale.

I was rattled enough I almost left with my pants soaked in blood before thinking...no, you should change those and put a pad on. I actually packed a pair of pants and undies to change into before thinking, no no, you should change now. And, I don't rattle easy. Now that I have a pad on and blood isn't everywhere and it's more like a period, I'm not as freaked. Still.

I'm tired. I was up puking from 6 pm to 2 (or maybe it was 2:30) and then Max was up at 5:15. Apparently, my vomiting is funny and silly when my back is to him and scary when facing him which happened for the first time last night. Nothing like barfing while on the toilet with diarhea while holding your son off while he's crying and telling him "It's okay" Barf. "Mommie's okay" Barf. "That's dinner". Barf. "Dinner that didn't want to stay in mommies stomach" Barf.

I'm in my PJ's and in bed. Noemi's giving Max a bath and putting him into his PJ's. Small blessings that he didn't nap today so I can legitimately put him down for an early bedtime without too much fuss.

Fuck

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck.

I'm bleeding.

A lot.

Heading to doctors now.

The results are in

Finally, the CVS results are in. I missed the call the first time. Called, left a message. And, almost missed the call the second time. I had planned on not finding out the gender, but thought long and hard about that after the genetics counseling appointment when I was told Dr. H, the SR doc, tries to "balance things out". Ultimately, I decided I did want to know.

Baby A, normal boy
Baby B, normal girl
Baby C, normal girl

Milestones

It hadn't been as long as I thought since I had posted, but I realized there have been a several milestones since then.

1) I'm out of the first trimester. I was 12 w last Thursday. I'll be 13 w this Thursday.

2) I turned 42. Egads, when and how did I get that old?

Speaking of Thursday, being out of the first tri, and my birthday...I'm treating myself this Thursday to a Chiropractic appointment (remember bare bottomed Max riding my head incident?) and a massage on Thursday for my birthday. My chiro doesn't like to work on preggo's in the first tri (and I whole heartedly agree). And, this will be a little treat before the trauma of next week. I'm looking forward to it.

Decisions and Dreams

Sorry I have been MIA. I actually don't even remember the last time I posted. Most days, I think up a blog entry in my head, but when I have the time to write it I have no energy. I'm still feeling pretty crappy and vomiting every night now although I think I must be feeling better during the day only because this weekend I was actually able to do things with Max like take him to the train station to watch the trains come in and out, take him and Shadow to the park, go to Sunday school, go to the pet store to get more fish and dog food, and get a special Jamba Juice treat. Where in the past, I'm sure that I mostly laid on the couch except for going to Sunday school. So, while I felt bad while doing it all, I was actually able to do it which is progress of a sort I guess.

I'm still waiting on the CVS results and doing the countdown until the SR which is (basically) a week away at this point. I'm a bit worried about what to expect afterwards...as in do "things" get absorb or should I expect bleeding and to pass the "products of conception" as it were. But, I haven't called or done research to find out.

Reducing to one was never a serious consideration. I have thought about it. It is a possibility, but just not something I could do no matter how much easier it would make my life. The only reason I can even do the reduction to two is because I really believe if I tried to carry 3 to term there would not be a good outcome and I would loose all three or do life long damage to one or all of them as a result of premature delivery. I know that a good outcome is possible, but the odds and risks are too high in my mind so it becomes (or I have justified it) as a medical decision. And, even then, I do not make the decision lightly.

I've had this dream a few times now. I wouldn't say it is a reoccurring dream or nightmare, and it isn't exactly the same each time...only one element. I'm talking to someone (or someones) and at some point they say off hand (in reference to my character)..."It's not as if you've ever killed anyone" and I shock them by correcting them and telling them I have and how I killed this poor innocent child who I never gave a chance to live. I never ever wanted to be in this position. I will still go through with the reduction, even if it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I have tried to live my life with little regret. I know that I will regret this decision probably more than any other I have ever made. Yet, I fear that I will regret not taking action even more if I don't. I really do feel like I'm damned if I do and even more damned if I don't. But, while I may rationalize my reasons, I take ownership of the decision and while "reduction" is the word I use most often "killing" is the word in my head and my heart. And, I wonder at my character and what it says about me that I do and I will still move forward.

I've been trying on the decision of not moving or doing construction and not going live in. I feel so much better and less stressed (at least for now) with that approach. I haven't gone much farther than that as in whether I get someone new that can and will cook with longer hours or just keep Noemi. I figure I have time with that one with the biggest pressure or decision I need to make is for how long to put Max in pre-school come September. I need to fill and submit the application in a few weeks. Originally, before I knew I would be expecting twins, I had thought just mornings so Max could come home and take a nap. However, he's already dropping naps so much that I revised that thinking maybe until 2 pm instead. Yet, now I'm thinking maybe 5 and that he'd have more fun at school and would be less likely to just come home and zone out in front of the TV. Oh, what to do, what to do.

Over the weekend, I was talking with my cousin and telling her that it was probably insane, but that likely I would not move forward with live in help and that really, the only person I could realistically see living here was her. Then, I laughed because while true, it is not something I thought possible as she has a life and three kids in Michigan the youngest of which is only 11, a husband, etc. She called me today and said she's been thinking about that and might just be crazy enough to do it. She talked to CC who loved the idea and said she was in. She talked to her husband (and he and I IM'd briefly about it today) and he seems on board. And, a decision is no where made, but I'm finding it hard not to get excited over the idea even though it would make the space issue even worse. When we talked this weekend, my cousin (who does know me well) said that it's not that she wouldn't drive me crazy as well, just that I can tell her when she's driving me crazy and why...which is so true.

Disregarding the space issue, the idea...now that I know it is a true possibility not just a passing whimsical thought...appeals on many levels because she could and would help with the shopping and the meals and Max (maybe dropping him off and picking him up and doing something with him in the afternoons instead of just leaving him in school), and just be here in the middle of the night...just in case. And, CC is Max's favorite person. Having her here will go a long way to having him not feel so displaced when the twins arrive.

On her end, they just moved back to MI and are still living with her parents. They have pretty much decided not to buy a house right now because Jim's not sure that he wants to stay and his new job could afford him other opportunities elsewhere. When she called me, although she cautioned she was just in the thinking/talking phase, but wanted to make sure I really would want that and I knew she was thinking about it, but...had thought enough that she mentioned they would want to bring their own beds, that her oldest daughter would be in college so is a non-issue, but that Jim and their son (who would be a senior in high school) would live with his parents. Jim's dad has been told that his cancer is back and they are all worried about the situation. Both Jim and Terri felt that this maybe a gift to him as well to spend the time with them since they know the time is very limited. And, it will give Jim and James a chance to bond before James heads out into adulthood and college. And, they could save financially by not having to pay rent or mortgage for a year. And, Terri and CC would come here and help an feel good about helping me during the difficult first year of twins.

It could be a win, win, win. We'd have to work out details. I told Terri I'd pay her, but I got the impression she would want me to still have Noemi or someone come in during the day. And, I'd probably want to buy new beds rather than shipping their beds back and forth, if they could live with that and we'd have to figure out where to put everyone. Maybe CC's bed could go in my office since she won't be sleeping when I'm working and a crib in my room and a crib in Terri's room. But, there will be time to work it out if the ultimate decision is for her to come. But, I have to say, the idea has taken hold today and I will be disappointed if not. Either way, it will work out one way or another.

Ugh!

Life can be really annoying sometimes. It's a given that my feeling good was short lived. Yep, yesterday I had nausea pretty much all day with some heartburn thrown in for good measure, although no vomiting. I'd prefer a quick vomit than all day nausea hands down. But, anyway, that's not what has me annoyed in the middle of the night. No, it's the fact that the battery in the smoke alarm in Max's room apparently needs to be changed as evidenced by the annoying beep, beep, beep at periodic intervals that woke me out of a nice, sound sleep. And, there is no way I can change it while Max is asleep and it is a major hassle to change. I have to get the tall ladder out of the garage, carry it accross the house trying not to bash and possession in route, move furniture in Max's room, put it up, and then climb up it. I currently have my bedroom door closed and the monitor off and I can't hear it anymore. Of course, I can't hear Max if/when he wakes up either. Ugh! The thing is, I never, not once have loaded a battery into a smoke detector in the middle of the night. Why is it that every time except once, the battery goes out with that annoying beep in the middle of the night. Very annoying and not very convenient. And, I don't want to hear it about regular maintenance and replacing the batteries on schedule. This is actually done when my cousin is here once a year. It's her job. She installed them. She's taller. And, she doesn't mind climbing tall ladders. Granted, it's not hard. It will probably only take 15 minutes all told to resolve, but annoying none the less.

11w6d

I don't want to jinx things, but yesterday....yesterday....I didn't feel awful. Tired, yes. Tired enough that I carved out 30 minutes to go horizontal in the afternoon, yes. But....I didn't have heartburn. I didn't vomit, not even once. I was only mildly nauseous a few times for a short duration. I was able to eat a variety of foods on a regular basis. I had a good night sleep. Oh, my...It's been so long since I have felt miserable for most or part of the day that I am silently and internally jumping up an down for joy. It's amazing how much easier it is to get through the day with work and a toddler and just normal life stuff when you feel almost normal. Sure, a pregnant normal, but normal. Oh, please God. Please. Let this be a trend. I don't have to feel like yesterday all the time right away, but an upward trend would be nice. Please let me have more and more days like yesterday where I could respond to a few emails, make a few calls, actually play a bit with my son, basically able to do more than lie on the couch or the bed feeling worse than one could imagine most of the time and wondering what I had done so wrong in my life to deserve this. Oh, please God, let this be a first trimester event where as I don't feel overwhelmed by life for the rest of my pregnancy and the rest of my life (or at least the next 5 years). Okay, remember, this is said in confidence, in whisper. We must not jinx this.