Friday, July 28, 2006

Yep, I’m unique

My RE told me today that I was the only woman he has ever met that had a better success with IUI’s than with IVF’s and he didn’t recommend me trying another IVF. This was completely unprompted as we were getting settled. Great! Good thing I really like my RE. ** Yes, I am unique, but would rather not have this be my claim to fame. It’s pretty bad when your RE (as all RE’s) who pushes IVF all the time to increase odds tells you in not so many words, not to bother again and just to stick with IUI’s.

IUI is complete and I am in the 2ww of cycle number 7. Lead follicle was 25 and the smaller follicle was 17. Lining was a tad smaller than usual, but still decent/acceptable at 11.3. Swimmers were excellent. Dr. N was very impressed with today’s thaw rate and this donor in general. Today’s numbers were 60.9 (M/ml) and 73% motility.

My absolute favorite time in any cycle is the 12 – 24 hours after IUI because if it is going to happen, it is going to happen then. The rest is just the waiting game to find out the results. The odds aren’t great, but they are better than zero.

So, now I wait, wait, wait.

I start progesterone on Sunday. I’ll get a progesterone test 7dpo next Friday and talked my RE into adding a Lipid panel (cholesterol, etc.) for grins since the last time I had it checked was October 2004 before I got pregnant with Max. Not expecting good results on the cholesterol, but would like to see how bad it is.

Last night, I got a full 8 hours of sleep and Max got 10.5 hours. You would thing this is a good thing, but not for me. Actually, 7 hours is the perfect amount in an ideal world for me. Eight hours is too much. I have been dragging and tired all day. I can barely keep my eyes open. I do better on 4 – 5 hours than 8, but I will shut up and stop complaining now. I am sure it will not happen again any time soon.

I have not yet calculated the due date should I, against the odds, conceive and carry to term with this cycle. I am sure that I will get around to it before the end of the 2 weeks.

I am always worried that I will have ovulated too early and was worried enough this time since I got a lot of cervical mucus on Wednesday evening that I did an OPK prior to triggering just to make sure I didn’t surge early. However, another benefit of having gone through the process so many times is that I know that ovulating early is pretty darn unlikely. I saw my RE in the hall before I went into the room and he asked how I was doing. I said great, but that I am always happy to have the u/s to confirm I haven’t ovulated early and we both laughed.

The timing was perfect. There is at least one egg and maybe two. The swimmers were stellar. The lining is decent. All the pieces are together and if it is going to happen, it will happen soon. And, then we wait, wait, wait to find out the results.

** A somewhat embarrassing event occurred during my IUI today. Well, what probably SHOULD have been an embarrassing event occurred if I was an easily embarrassed, overly modest person who had not been cycling for years now and used to baring my privates and being probed on a very regular basis. However, it just shows how close my RE and I are. LOL. Don’t worry, I DO NOT have that transference love thing going on with my RE, trust me on this, but I do like him. Okay, so here is what happened…I go to slide down into the V position and put my legs into the stir-ups. I was so hot and sweaty and moist “down there” that the paper totally stuck to my @ss and the back of my legs. I make some stupid comment about “sticking” today as I gracefully (yeah, right!) tear the paper away. Dr. N gets into position and says, oh, some there is still some paper stuck and proceeded to pluck the paper off and throw it in trash like he was pulling some lint off my sweater instead of paper plastered to my privates. LOL. God, I am going to so miss cycling of I actually get pregnant on this cycle -- NOT.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Triggering Tonight

I’m triggering tonight at 1:15 am for a Friday afternoon IUI. I asked for a copy of my sheet for today, then forgot to get it. Sigh. I am pretty sure the lead follicle was 20 and the smaller one 16. Yes, smaller than the last two cycles I got pregnant when I didn’t trigger until the lead follicle was 24.. I thought about asking to stim for another day but 1) didn't feel like spending any more money on stims and 2) don't have to worry about getting a sitter for Max on Saturday if I trigger today for a Friday IUI. So, I figured...they were good enough and will likely be in range and didn't bother to push it. They will likely be 24 and 18 or so by Friday. Or, with me you never know 27 and 16 regardless with the surge of the trigger shot. Still feeling pretty bummed out. My RE, trying to put the positive spin was trying to convince me that my body just like IUI’s better. Ha, how would we know since I have never actually made it through and IVF cycle. But, it was nice of him to try.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Cancelled, Again

Let me do a quick recap…

Highest FSH 6.5; Most recent FSH 5.5 (just to point out that FSH means nothing)

Cd2 – 6 preantral follicles on each ovary

Cd5 – Left – 11, 7, 6; Right – 9

Cd9 – Left – 18, 13, 8, Right – NOTHING

Result = Cancelled, Stim for at least one more day and hope the 13 grows, go back tomorrow for a check and either trigger tomorrow night for a Friday IUI or stim one more day for a Saturday IUI.

I had really come to terms with getting cancelled, but I was hoping for at least a fighting chance with 4 or 5 follicles. I’m just sad and disappointed. I don’t understand why I don’t respond. Yada Yada, I know, it only takes one. I got pregnant on several almost as bad cycles. I wanted increased odds. I wanted a better response. I wanted a fighting chance for this cycle to work after all the effort and tests and money. And, you don’t always get what you want. If you try, sometimes, you get what you need.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Why Bother?

I am not sure why I bother…

u/s showed 4 measly follicles. I was so hoping for a better response with higher stims and no suppression. I don’t have time to pull out all the stats, but basically the same response I get just about every time with regard to how much stims or how much they cost from $20 clomid to $3k in Follisim and Repronex.

Left: 11, 7, 6 Right: 9


So glad I didn’t hope to actually make it to ER/ET enough to actually purchase the meds for the entire cycle.

Not cancelled yet. Dr. N said that I could get more (and have gotten a few more last cycle), but probably not enough to make IVF worthwhile.

We will see.

Start Antigon Sunday morning. Go for another check on Tuesday. Likely will decided then whether to move forward with IVF or just scrap it and do another IUI.

I know. I know. I can and have gotten pregnant with IUI’s. That is not the point. Yes, the ultimate point is to actually get a kid or two out of it and if I do, it will be worth it. BUT, the intermediate point is to just once stim properly.

Not very happy!

To add insult to injury, I was working with a kitchen cleaning product that contains bleach and apparently some of it got on my brand new pants worn for the first time today and spotted it. These were a splurge item I spent way to much for. Damn!

And, I got an F’ing parking ticket because I can’t read. I went to an acu appointment after my u/s appointment and all the meters were taken so I parked across the street in a two hour parking spot and failed to read the sign RIGHT ABOVE it that said NO PARKING FRIDAY FROM NOON – 3 pm for Street Cleaning.

What an idiot! It was all enough to have me in tears.

Just feeling a tad sorry for myself. I know it could be worse and some people would be happy with 4 follicles and some people can’t afford to do IVF at all and that I have gotten pregnant off IVF’s and you just need one good one. I know all of this. I just need to stew and feel a bit bad for myself for awhile.

I’m not devastated like the last IVF cycle, just like I wasn’t devastated this last m/c like I was the first. I know all to well how things can go wrong. I’m just disappointment and a bit amazed with myself for continuing to hope for different results. Yes, it is higher stims and no suppression. That was supposed to be the trick. Really, I don’t think if flippen matters what I stim on.

The only difference this time is that I seem to be able to sleep on the Follistim where as every other drug amps me up and I feel it swirling through my veins like a bad caffeine trip. As I told my RE, good thing I already had an appointment for an u/s today or I would have begged for one since the whole sleeping while stimming thing is a first.

Okay, got to go spend time with the kid, make dinner, and my sister will be here in a bit.

Oh, and FWIW, E2 was 46 today up from 9 on Tuesday.

I think I may just drink all weekend. After all, I may be pregnant soon and not have a chance for awhile. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I think wine is up tonight and Margarita’s tomorrow. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

Cycling Sucks! Yes, a broken record and a song I repeat each and every cycle.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


I found out this afternoon that the results from the HTLV 1/2 Western Blot test was non-reactive. What a relief! I know I was the only one worried when the HTLV 1/2 Antibody test came back as reactive, but that just didn’t sit well with me at all. I am glad to be reassured that all is well. Looks like I fall into the 15% of false positives on this test. That makes WAY more sense. I just didn’t have ANY of the risk factors and would have had no way to have gotten the virus.

Day 2 of stims have been completed. I did minor process improvement tonight and loaded up two syringes and did one shot right after the other in opposite hips. Figured I may as well spread the drug since I have to do two shots anyway. The second shot was a bleeder. I hate those, but was able to catch it before I got blood on the bathroom rug. So, tomorrow I drop to 4 amps of Follistim and 1 amp of Repronex. I think I will split it 2 and 3 since I don’t think I can get it all into one shot anyway without pushing my luck.

The Weigh-In

The worst part about yesterday was the fact that I had to step on the scale at my clinic. I guess there are doing the “physical” at the first appointment now. Ugh! 214. I was 198 when I got pregnant with Max. I was 185 ish when I stopped breastfeeding. Damn hormones and dex don’t help. Sigh. Big, big sigh! I think I was 211 last week when I had my cultures and pap, both were afternoon weigh-ins. I was only 206 by my scale at home in the morning. Still, this means likely I have gained 3 lbs in the last week.

My conclusion? Yes, well, I vow to start eating better. Easier said then done.

The real conclusion? I just need to get pregnant again. Soon. Like, this very cycle.

That way I have a good reason to have my pregnant belly. No one has actually asked me or assumed I was pregnant yet, but I have been getting a lot of, so…are you going to try for a second type thing. Code for are you pregnant or just really fat right now.

I especially noticed it last week when I had to dress for the funeral. It was tight right across the belly and the button kept coming undone. Very unattractive look. It has been bugging me ever since, this big belly of mine.

To make myself feel better, I did some retail therapy and bought a few “cycling” outfits last weekend. I haven’t bought any clothes since maternity ware a year or so ago. And, I really needed some tops. Several hundred dollars later I purchased 5 or 6 articles of clothes that really weren’t worth the price I paid, but I liked them; they fit reasonably well; and Max had decided enough was enough and it was time to move on. They are nothing fancy. Mostly tank tops and two pair of light quarter length pants (petal pushers?) to match. Hey, better to be fat in clothes new clothes that you like than in old worn tired stuff. Right?

Other than the worry that the baby could die and any second and I would be devastated part of it, I really liked being pregnant…especially the nice tired slept better in my entire life part. I was fondly reminiscing about the puking part this morning as I washed my face with the new liquid Clinque soap the sales lady talked my into trying when I went in for more astringent this weekend. I had given up the bar Clinque soap when pregnant with Max because I couldn’t stand the smell and it would make me puke. This new one is odor free (as far as I can tell now, but reserve the right to change my mind if I do become pregnant and pick up a previously undetected scent to it) and quite refreshing to use.

Ha, see how wisely I use my time these days. I had the gift of our two hour weekly staff meeting being cancelled. Sure, I could have done work and caught up on a few things, but I’m really just not that enthused about my job right now. Very sad situation.

Anyway, the weigh-in yesterday stung a bit. The nurse was so nice as I was complaining away about it by telling me how much she weighed (which was more, but she is taller and a bigger build) and how she had gained with the birth of her daughter and never lost it. It did make me feel a little better. Remember, miserly does love company.

Anyway, feeling blah, tired, and fat. And, just hoping one way or another I get pregnant soon so I have a good reason.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Stims Started

Well, I’m amp’d up. Yes, got the go ahead to start stims. 8 amps of Follistim are now injected into my bod.

Baseline u/s showed about 5 or 6 antral follicles on each ovary. We will see if the right one decides to play this round. It would be nice. Dr. N and I have already talked about me canceling/converting if I have 5 or less. The goal would be to get about 10.

E2 = 9, a nice low number

I decided on the way home that I was just going to suck it up an do the stims at night instead of moving them to the morning by adjusting 3 hours earlier each day. Typically, I sleep like crap on stims and the only benefit would be to help that a bit. I’m just going to take Tylenol PM every night and go from there.

The good thing about having gone through many cycles, even if they weren’t full fledged ones is that you are better able to “handle” the things that come up. I realized tonight WHY the Follistim needs to be refrigerated. It’s already mixed, not a powder. So, instead of doing 1cc mixed with 8 amps of drug, I ended up shooting up about 5 cc’s of drugs in two separate shots. Since I had to do two shots anyway since it wouldn’t all fit in one syringe, I decided to do one on each side. And, I didn’t read the instructions until the last minute and the meds were still cold as opposed to room temperature increasing the “sting” factor. Literally, a pain in the rear-end. Whatever! Didn’t bother to call anyone because it didn’t match my instructions. Probably, in the beginning, I would have freaked. Tonight;, I was like damn! 1) because I LIKE mixing the drugs myself. It is part of my little science project and 2) the extra shot.

The whole Follistim pre-mixed amp thing is really partially my fault anyway because they wanted me to do the pen, which I didn’t want to do because it is done Sub-Q and I wanted to do the shots IM. While they SAY it doesn’t make a difference, I wanted to do IM anyway because I am overweight; I think you get better absorption that way. I’d rather do two shots like I did than the pen Sub-Q.

You know, even though I have been going through the motions to get ready for this cycle – getting the tests and cultures, the calendar review, getting the meds, taking the dex -- I really have been in denial. Maybe denial isn’t the right word. It just hasn’t been on the top of my list. I haven’t spent much if any time or energy worrying or thinking about it.

I show up for my appointment and wham, it hits me that I’m cycling when I walk in and the waiting room is wall to wall people standing room only. Since I have mostly done IUI’s and my IVF was cancelled so early last time, I have very rarely had to be one of the pack. It’s not that I mind it so much, it’s just that it hit me all of a sudden and I had to talk myself out of an anxiety or panic attack. Okay, so really, I have never had either an anxiety or a panic attack, but I did get all nervous and sweaty and clammy. Of course, it has been scorching hot out and it was hot in the waiting room so it could have been that as well. ANYWAY, while I was dealing with that, this lady sits down near me (I’m sitting on the floor like I own the place) and starts talking to me. I know that I should know this person and she tells me her u/s looks good and there is one visible sack with a heartbeat and everything looks good. And, I should have said something, but I just kept talking and didn’t say anything. She leaves and I get called back and while I am waiting, it hits me who the person it…an SMC I met online and who came to my pool party. I’m such a looser. I just didn’t expect to see her there and was pre-occupied. I felt and feel really bad and sent her an email telling her how much of a looser I am. Big sigh.

Well, I’ve been up since 3 am. No reason other than I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t go back to sleep, then Max woke up at 4 and, the day really began. So, I am going to go shower off (since Max and I went swimming after my work and before his bed) and my skin feels gross and try to sleep. Maybe I will be able to beat the drugs and fall asleep before I start feeling them swimming through my veins amping me up.

Probably unlikely since I already feel the affects. HAHAHAHA. Just laughing to myself as I was thinking that I can “feel” my ovaries already. I’m not playing that game this time. You know, the game where you think the cycle will work and will go as planned. I’m taking things one day at a time. I just need to remember to take my drugs every day.

Next big milestone, follicle check u/s on Friday.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Unexpected Package

A pickup just pulled up and dropped of an unexpected package. Lucky’s ashes in her memorial rock. It was like a kick in the gut. God, I still miss her so much. I’ve been doing well and coming to terms and hardly ever cry anymore. I wish she were still a part of my life. Yes, life is much easier without her cause she was a demanding and high maintenance dog. I thought I was ready for this and finally got around to faxing her memorial wording a few weeks ago, but I hadn’t heard back to make sure they really received it. I vaguely thought that at some point I should follow up, but…

The memorial is nice, a black rock with a goldish plaque. I think I posted it before, but I went with:


A zest for life
A friend like no other
A special bond forever.

I’ll be fine. Just wasn’t expecting it.

I’ll go find a special place in the garden this evening.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Sweet and Salty

I’m one step closer to my cycle today. I started my period this morning. Next milestone is baseline u/s on Tuesday. Maybe now that my period is here, I will stop this sweet and salty kick I have been on since Friday. You know. Eat something sugary, then an hour later want something salty. Repeat. Repeat again. Repeat again and again and again. For as overweight as I am, I am not a binge eater or much of a snacker typically so I was surprised when this started up and I kept saying. Stop. Stop. Just stop eating. Then, realized it was likely related to onset of period and just went with the flow.

Max is in his crib screaming at the top of his longs. This causes me much stress. The poor guy is so tired and has been a bit on the cranky side so I am going to let it go for about 10 more minutes cause I know he needs to sleep. Not sure if it is teeth or he’s getting a cold (cause he has a bit of a runny nose and been sneezing), but he has just been slightly off this weekend.

It has been so hot here which means it is hard to let Max play outside unless it is early morning. He is so mobile, he just wants to crawl and/or walk with his stroller or Hippo.

Okay, can’t take the crying. Must go try to sooth my son.

Soothing worked. He was asleep within 30 – 60 seconds of me going in there. Typically, I have not been picking him up, but did because he was just standing at the crib crying and when I went to him he reached up and clung to me. How could I not? Then, I just held him and rocked him for awhile because I could. I really don’t get to much anymore because he wants to be on the go or at night when I put him to bed, I am just so tired I want to clean up and get to bed myself. I know there are those of you out there who believe in the sleep training and CIO. I’ve thought a lot about it and obviously so not there, but that is a post for another day.

Anyway, Max has just been slightly off the last day or so. He has been a little crabby and easy to cry since he is almost never crabby and rarely cries it is noticeable. He has been eating and drinking slightly less like maybe 4 – 6 oz instead of 6 – 8 oz He has been sleeping just a little bit less. Last night it was only about 9.5 hours (woke up at 4:30 am with a poo poo diaper) after no afternoon nap yesterday and only a two hour morning nap. Maybe a growth spurt. Maybe getting sick. Maybe just plain tired and hot.

I know I have been tired and hot. I’m glad I went to the funeral on Thursday even if it did put a dent in my wallet and I was extremely tired when I got back. Then, it didn’t help that I stayed up late Friday night finishing a book I had started on the plane (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) and then Max woke up a few short hours later. I did nap when he napped yesterday, but he woke me up out of a sound sleep (which doesn’t often happen cause I am a light sleeper and not much of a napper). To break up the monotony of the house yesterday, we ran a few errands/I did some shopping. Then, my mom and sister came by for awhile. They were driving back from N. CA from the funeral and my mom’s car was here. They visited for awhile and had dinner. Then, we walked and did the bed time routine. Max was asleep by 7 and I was asleep by 9. We both needed an early bedtime.

Not much going today. Just hanging low. After nap time, we will probably spend some time in the pool even if I have just started my period. I think Sunday’s has become my favorite day cause I have purposely have been keeping it low key as much as possible and a day for just Max and I.

While I have the chance, I think I will go climb back in bed myself for awhile.

Another day closer to “the cycle”. Maybe because I have been so busy, but I really have no expectations one way or another for the cycle. Just taking it day by day. I haven’t really been dreading it or anticipating it. Occasionally, I think, I really hope this works, but I have no expectations or high hopes that it will. Heck, I didn’t even buy my meds for after ER/ET. I figure plenty of time to spend that money if I make it that far. I’m just content, at least for now, to make it to the next milestone.

Today, I hit the period milestone. Tuesday, I will hit the baseline u/s milestone and hope I get to continue from there.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Cycle Update

Not that I am THAT far into the cycle, but …just took the last BCP. Been on Dex since Saturday. Forgot to take it this morning. Great! That should have me nice and wired tonight.


Not because of the cycle. Mostly because I have to fly out of town tomorrow for a funeral of a family friend and it has taken a lot logistically to get it set up and arraigned. They wanted me to come and stay a few days with Max, but I just couldn’t swing it without even being more stressed. Especially, with the cycle that no one knows I am doing.

I also feel like I am hemorrhaging money all of a sudden between the cycle, over 1K in plumbing cost in the last week, replacing the roof on my mom’s house/mobile home (which is long over due, but she finally got estimates for me), and this trip which all told will cost about $500 for one day.

Naomi has agreed to come early and stay late. In fact, she is just going to stay the night so she can go to sleep after she puts Max down since I won’t get home until at least 10:30 or 11 pm. I have to say I like Naomi more and more every day. Yesterday, when she came home from the park, she brought Max right in and started crying and saying that she is so careful and how sorry she was. I could see he was fine, so I wasn’t upset. He got a scrape under his chin. I’m not sure EXACTLY what happened, something about playing in the sand and he either slammed his chin down on something or brought a toy up and scraped his chin. I didn’t belabor the point since she was so clearly upset over it. I gave her a hug and told her that it was okay that he is going to get bumps and bruises along the way. She told me how much she loves my son and how sorry she was. The whole thing just reaffirmed to me that I have the right person watching out for Max.

Not only am I stressed for my own stuff, but my cousin and her family are going to England this year for 2 weeks instead of coming here to visit Jim’s sister who is working there for a few years. There flight was today and they had a flight from Detroit to NY on Delta connecting with a flight at NY to London. However, there Delta flight was delayed. I have been on and off the phone with them, and the airlines, and looking things up on the computer about what there options are. They finally arrived in NY, but if the computer and phone system are right, their connection was delayed, but not enough for them to make it. Nothing like tons of travel hassles at the beginning of a trip. So, not only am I stressed for them for having to go through this, but it also ate a few hours out of my day I didn’t have today.

My mom is here staying the night and I was totally crabby to her after I got Max down because I was trying to get things done and she kept talking to me and asking me questions and I couldn’t hear her cause the water would be on or I would be in the other room and I kept having to say “What? What? What did you say?” I am rudely ignoring her so I can just have a bit of time to unwind and not having to interact with anyone. All I could thin is that I am SO glad I am not married or living with anyone else that I have to talk to every night if I don’t want to. I told her I had to get stuff done on the computer that I hadn’t had a chance to earlier, which is sort of true. Plus, I will basically spending all day with her (although she is staying a few days and driving back with one of my sisters).

Anyway, back to the cycle. I got the “cultures” done on Monday, but don’t have the results back yet. I dropped off blood this afternoon for the HTLV 1/2 Western Blot Test. This is the “confirmation” test for the antibody test I took a few weeks ago. No one but me seems to be at all concerned that the test came back “reactive”, but my RE did agree to let me take this additional test since he said the false positive rate on the other one can be up to 15%. I sure hope it comes back normal.

I had to cancel my chiropractor appointment for tomorrow due to the travel, but I do have an acupuncture appointment on Friday. Then, Tuesday is my baseline and I hopefully start stims.

I think I can go back and be civil to my mom for a little bit before I plead exhaustion (which really isn’t all that true since I just took the Dex I forgot this morning), but I should be exhausted since I woke up at 3 am and never really went back to sleep.

The other night when I was getting ready for bed, I saw two big black ugly looking spiders in my room, one in the right corner and the other in the left corner both closest to my bed. I was able to kill off one of them, but the other has successfully evaded me for days. He is on the side that has my tall dresser and the sliding door and he keeps dropping behind there and I can’t find him to kill him. Every time I wake up I turn on the light to see if I can find him. I know he is still there. Not only do I dislike spiders on principle (I can tolerate the big daddy long legged kind, especially if they eat the flies and mosquitoes, but the rest have go to go), but I have a really, really bad reaction to spider bites. They swell up huge and hurt and itch for days. I don’t like them. Not at all. I used to do my own spider and ant pesticide routine until I started ttc and got pregnant with Max. Now, I have a monthly service and I have called them out 3 times this month the spiders and ants have been so bad. Really, I should let them spray inside as well, but I don’t the idea of the poison being sprayed inside and we would have to leave for at least 3 hours afterward, which I am really not able to do. So, I keep vigilant watch for any such critters that dare to enter the premises. I may be cohabitating with this spider for the last few days, but I don’t like it and am keeping a watchful eye of for him.

Yes, right. Off to be social with my mom. Okay, social is pushing it. I’ll work on as civil as possible.

Monday, July 10, 2006

School Troubles

Looking ahead to when Max is in pre-school, here is my prediction for the top three reasons Max will be getting into trouble.

Reason #3 - Willful Disobedience. Looking the teacher straight in the eye with a smile on his face and doing what he wants and was just asked not to do. He is slowly learning to leave the dog food and water bowl alone, when the mood strikes him. However, he will also crawl over to it with his hand just above it looking at it waiting for me to say….AAAAH, AHH, AHH, AHH. Don’t play with Shadow’s Water Bowl or you will get put back on the other side of baby jail. He liked the AAAAH, AHH, AHH a bit too much so I had to stop that. He would look at me with a smile and do it anyway just to get the reaction. Less and less is he then actually touching the bowl prompting me to pick him up and move him to the other side of the “fence” telling him that he was being put over here because he touched Shadow’s water bowl and didn’t listen to momma. He is not phased by this. Now, if you open the fridge or the door and close it before he can get there or get out (he makes a mad crawling dash as fast as he can and will cry when he just isn’t quick enough and the door is closed). Very funny and very cute.

Reason #2 – Inappropriate Affection. Giving hugs and kisses all the time.  He will hug and kiss pretty much anyone he likes be it me or Naomi or the kids at the park or Shadow. He would hug City Boy if he could catch him and makes due with kissing a picture of the cat in one of our books. He was giving my friends son a from behind hug the other day when there were visiting (who is only weeks older than Max) knocking them both over in the process. Naomi bought Max a Winnie the Poo Bear last week and when Max saw it, he just hugged it and hugged it and hugged it. It made Naomi so happy to see how much he obviously loved it. He now will fall asleep hugging Poo or the cat or the bunny or the blanket in his crib.

Reason #1 – Pulling Hair. He loves to touch and feel and pull hair. My hair. His hair. Naomi’s hair. Shadow’s hair. He has even managed to get his hands on City Boy’s hair a few times. I think he must just love the feel and the texture.

We will see if he outgrows these things as he grows or if this is just an innate part of his personality and if he learns to control his impulses. God, he is just such a cute, sweet, boy.

Deb and Max at the Pool Party Last Saturday. *

* This was supposed to be just a head shot. Sigh. Was weighed today at the OB's office today when I went in for my "cultures" and pap in prep for my IVF cycle and I am almost 10 lbs heavier than I was when I got preg. with Max and about 20 lbs heavier than I was when I stopped breast feeding. Big sigh. I was so motivated after seing my weight on the scale that I only ate 3 cookies after dinner tonight.

The “I love Max” song *

I love Max. I love Max. I-L-O-V-E-M-A-X. I love Max.

Cause I’m your momma, your momma, your momma.

I’m your momma. And, I love you. Yes, I do do do. I really, really do.

I love you in the morning. And, in the afternoon.

I love you in the evening. And, at night time too.

I love you when you are eating and drinking and playing and swimming.

I love you when you are bathing and sleeping.

I love you when you are awake.

I love you when you are naked and when you are dressed.

I love you when you are at the park, and in the car, and in the stroller, and at home.

I love you when I can see you and when I can’t see you.

I love you when you are sick and I love you when you are healthy.

I love you when you are happy, and smiling, and laughing.

I love you when you are sad and fussy and crying.

I just love you ALL the time. ALL the time.

Dressed For Bed, But Not Quite Ready For It.

* an absolute favorite of his and is usually sung when I am putting him to bed and on occasion when we are in the car and he needs a bit of soothing.

** just another little ditty that I made up after Max was first born that I just keep building upon and adding verses as they come to me.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Great Day to Start Dex

Today, according to my calendar, is the official start of my cycle with starting Dexamethasone. For some reason, they say to take it at night. HA HA. I took it first thing this morning. And, after hosting a wonderful pool party which basically took all day by the time I got things setup, had the party, and cleaned up, I am still wired.

I got my drugs in the mail yesterday. Apparently, Follistim, unlike Gonal F, needs to be refrigerated. Wish I had know that when I was telling them I didn’t want to do the pen. I still wouldn’t have done the pen, but had them switch it to Gonal F. Good thing they like me at my clinic, because I can be a PITA. They gave me my calendar and I basically tweaked it and told them where it needed to be changed to suit me, including getting them to agree to stims in the morning. This stuff just amps me up with each additional amp I inject added on top of the Dex and I would basically not be getting any sleep. On last cycle which was a 5 amp protocol (start with 5 amps and drop to 3), I basically got an average of 4 hours a night taking Tylenol PM or Benadryl each night. This cycle I am on a 8 amp protocol (start with 8 amps and drop to 5) and taking Dex. Heck, we will see if I get any sleep tonight on just the Dex. The funny thing is that it isn’t as if I am tired because of the lack of sleep.

I played hooky from work yesterday and made a trip over the hill to see my acupuncturist. She did a different treatment on me than we have done before using electrodes ? to try to stimulate blood to my ovaries with the hope of getting some life out of my right ovary. I heart acupuncture. If it wasn’t so far and so costly (or my insurance paid for it), I would go all the time.

I am sure my RE is so ready for me to get and stay pregnant. Poor guy, I sent him another long list of questions about 10 of which were about the consent forms. LOL. I am sure he was thinking, why can’t she be like everyone else and just sign the damn things without reading them. And, I can’t just ask questions, I have to add in editorial comments along the way. For example, one of the things you must sign in advance is what you want to happen to any frozen embryos should you die – discard, donate, use for testing. While my inclination would be to donate, because, really, who would want to get embryos from a 40 year old with a history of m/c. But, I want to have some idea on what kind of testing they would use them for (still better than just destroying them in my mind). Yes, it is an unlikely scenario, but hey, one must sign the form. Another decision is on whether you want the ‘marker test’. Dr. N and I had already discuss…okay, I asked via email and he responded that he would recommend doing it if I had more than 5 embryos to choose from. But the form only gives you a Yes, I want it or No, I don’t. So, I had to tell him that I crossed that out of on the form and made my own answer that said, Yes, I want it IF I eggs fertilized >5; No, I don’t want it IF eggs fertilized < 5. Another thing you have to sign is that you will authorize your RE to do laparoscopic surgery during ER (egg retrieval) instead of needle aspiration, I had to ask in which cases would that happen and that I completely authorize it he thought he could get anything from my right ovary that way. He responded that I was right in the instances it would be used (see I have this terrible habit of not only asking the question, but also telling him what I think the answer is and then asking if I am right) and that in all the ER’s he has done, he has never had to do a lap. I won’t bore you with all the other questions I asked accept to say that he agreed that I could do the Western blot test which is a confirmation test for the HTLV 1/2 reactivity.

The party today was FAB. Great turn out. Lots of people. I think everyone had a great time and stayed late. Fine by me. Not one ounce of tiredness in this body. Can’t say the same for poor Max. He didn’t take an afternoon nap. I didn’t even try because the party was in full swing by then and I knew it would be a battle that I would likely loose anyway. He had a wonderful time, but was more than ready for bed. I actually gave him a bath and put him to bed while a few people were still here and he went down without a peep. One of my friends (THANKS KAIA) stayed and watch over him while I gave Shadow a quick walk. That was a big help as I am so obsessive about making sure my dogs get walked that I would have likely put Max in the stroller and walked Shadow after everyone left. It was very nice not to have to do that. It isn’t only that I think that Shadow needs the exercise, which she does, but also she so looks forward to it. It is the highlight of her day even if she doesn’t have the endurance she did in the past. I hate to not do it after she puts up with a house full of people all day or has been left by herself all evening or even on a normal day where she has to deal with Max “loving” her.

I took Max and Shadow to walk in a park yesterday morning. This park has a fake pond that has lots of ducks and geese and pigeons and squirrels. Both Shadow and Max like it and I have been hitting it about 3 times a month. After the walk, I usually let Max swing or play in the play area while Shadow rests. This play area is right next to a Tennis Court. And, there were two older men playing a heated set. One man kept swearing. After the third time which was quite a creative stream of swear words strung together, I went over and reminded him that the courts were right next to a child’s play area and he was swearing quite a bit. He mutters something like Oh, yeah, okay, okay and to his credit, he didn’t utter another one while we were there. In some ways I feel stupid for being the bad work police and heaven knows I have and do use a swear word on occasion (but I am very conscious not to use them in front of Max), but on the other hand, Max is an impressionable toddler and while I want him to have word recognition and exposed to lots of different words, “bad” words can wait until he is older and understands the meaning. Plus, it is just the principle of the matter.

If you have made it reading this far, bless you. Are you strung out on Dex too? HA HA.

Okay, I think I am going to go take come Tylenol PM and a warm bath and see if I can relax enough to catch a few zzzzzz’s tonight. I loved my 5 day weekend 2 day work week this week (where I actually only worked 1.5 days since I ditched Friday afternoon). Sigh. At least today is only Saturday and I have one more day off, to hang out with Max.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

If it’s not one thing…

If it’s not one thing, it is another.

We had a GREAT 4th. Max took two long naps for a change and loved the party. He crawled and crawled and crawled to his hearts content. He stayed awake for the fireworks and watched in wide eyed wonder. At one point, it got a bit loud and he turned and nestled in, but couldn’t help turning his head to continue to watch. He’d hate to miss anything. LOL. He fell asleep as soon as I got him in is car seat. He stayed asleep when we got home and I transferred him into the stroller and walked the dog and then again when I transferred him from the stroller to the crib. Even though there were supposed to be a lot of people there, and there were, it didn’t seem crowded and nothing was rushed. It was just very relaxing and pleasant. Feeling a bit tired though, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight and woke up at 4:30 am and never fell back asleep. Max woke up at 5 am and that was that.

I got an email from one of the nurses at my clinic today telling me the results from the mandatory testing for my IVF cycle came back and that I was reactive to HTLV 1/2, but she didn’t know what that meant and to ask my RE tomorrow when she thought I was going to be in the office to review my calendar with the nurse coordinator, but we are doing a phone review instead so I emailed him. He said the office was closed so he couldn’t get the results tonight, but that he would email a detailed explanation tomorrow… “Suffice it to say that HTLV1 and 2 infections are almost always clinically insignificant. They don’t cause any symptoms. Very very rarely, the are associated with a specific type of leukemia. The reason the Federal government requires us to test for it is more historical than scientific.” A quick internet search told me why he responded as such because words like HIV, Cancer, and Blood come up at the top of all the searches.

So, I’m trying not to worry and get myself worked up. It would probably be a tad easier if I were more rested and not as short on sleep.

I’m just thinking, if it isn’t one thing, it is another. If I were the kind of person that let difficult situations keep me down, I would be in one world of hurt right now with the m/c, Max’s breathing incident, and now this test result.

I’m just telling myself the same thing that I do when spotting/cramping and praying it isn’t a m/c….that it isn’t good, but it doesn’t have to be really bad.

ps. I didn't work today and got a lot of things done (but, not the fountain, long story that I don’t' have the energy to tell right now) and went to the movies and an early dinner with my mom. It actually felt like a vacation day, unlike the day I took off a few weeks ago when going in for a beta, missed the movie, and an acu appointment.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy 4th of July

Max is taking an extra long nap -- 2 hrs 45 min. and counting. I am itching to go peek in on him to make sure he is still alive and breathing, especially after the incident the other day. However, he has had a busy few days and we are going to a party tonight and will be out late so I am going to hold off until either noon or I finish this blog unless he wakes up first. I thought the phone just ringing might have woken him, but don’t hear him so maybe not. Since I only planned on his usual 60-90 min. nap, I have gotten more than what I had wanted done, but still could do more instead of playing on the computer.

I’m going to a big party tonight. It should be a grand time. I realized it has been years and years and years, like at least 8 since I have done anything on the 4th. It was my Lucky’s least favorite holiday in the year with New Years being a close second. The fireworks and popping noises really freaked her out. She would try to hide. If someone let of a firecracker when we were doing our evening walk, she would put her tail between her legs and try to hide under a car. She would try to get as close to me as possible and her favorite place was sitting on my head. Because of the stress and anxiety it caused her, I stayed close to home. One year, I went to a BBQ, but my mom and sister were here with Lucky. She got so scared she hid in the fireplace and came out black (and she had white fur). Anyway, as great a time I am having this weekend. I’m a bit sad inside and missing my Lucky.

Okay, Max is awake and chattering. Got to go.

Happy 4th!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Breath-Holding Spells

Very tired. Didn't get much sleep between worry of Max and reoccurring attacks of what I thought were spiders, but turns out to be little small mosquitoes. After about 10 bites and Max waking up for a bottle around 3 where I moved him to his crib for a bit, I found the culprits, but couldn’t catch them, but luckily I liberally applied some Skin So Soft and they left me alone after that. Max woke up at 4 crying and ended back in bed with me and the then the co-sleeper and then me for a bit, before I took him to his room and rocked him chest to chest for awhile. It was good for my stress and nerves and put him into a deep enough sleep he is still sleeping.

I’m glad I live in a day and age where Web MD exists. See the link below to more information on Breath Holding Spells. Max’s symptoms match the pallid description mostly. Scary stuff. Sounds like it could happen again as he gets older, but that it is harmless in the end. Maybe harmless to the child. I am sure it takes years off the parent every time it occurs. They recommend waiting for up to a minute and then calling 911 and starting assisted breathing if the child isn’t breathing on his/her own. I can tell you, God forbid, if it should ever happen again, I will not be waiting a minute before assisted breathing.

Again, scary stuff, but unlikely anything serious.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

First ER Visit - Breath Holding spell?

Let me start by saying all is well (that we know), but we had our first trip to the ER tonight. Very scary stuff. It was about 6:30 pm and my mom and friend N were over to visit. We spent a wonderful few hours in the backyard/pool and had just finished dinner. The actual event itself is a bit blurry with all of us having a slightly different take. My version is that Max was going for City Boy who was on the table, but Shadow was in the way and he tripped trying to get around Shadow and fell. N says she just saw him crumble, but don’t think he hit his head. My mom didn’t see anything, just heard him scream.

Here is the version we all agree on. Max screamed and I picked him up. I was looking him over to see if there was blood or if I could see a bump or bruise to tell what happened. Nerre said, why isn’t he gasping. My mom said, he’s not breathing. I looked at him and his mouth was open, but nothing was coming out. I gave him a shake, but he was still limp in my arms. I gave him mouth to mouth and the first breath did nothing. On the second breath, he started breathing and screaming. We all thought it lasted about 20 – 40 seconds. N had gotten up to call 911 when I got him breathing again.

He seemed fine afterwards, but a bit wobbly, after I had calmed him down. However, we were all a bit panicked and crying at this point so admittedly, it could have just me projecting that on him since that is how I felt. I called Max’s pedestrian, who just happened to be on-call this weekend, and he said just to be safe, go check him out.

The ER doctor checked him out and called the pedestrian on call for the hospital and THINK it was probably a “Breath Holding Spell”. He said it could have been a seizure or something else, but without being there and seeing it they don’t know for sure. The ER doctor said that it was unlikely that he hadn’t breathed for 30 seconds because he would have changed colors like purple or blue and we all agree that he didn’t. It is very likely that it wasn’t that long, but just felt that way. I asked the doc what would have happened if I hadn’t given him CPR would he have started breathing on his own, he said likely if it was a breath holding spell.

All I can say is that it was truly a very frightening experience. Of course, my biggest fear for him has always been SIDS or suffocation so this just plays into my darkest fears for him. Needless to say, he is sleeping in the co-sleeper in my room tonight so I can keep a good eye on him.

The ER doc said that he looked healthy and fine and I agree. He really was a trouper through the whole ordeal to the hospital. Yes, he was active and fidgety and wanting to check everything out, but even tired and past his bedtime, he didn’t fuss or get bent out of shape. The kid is portable.

I have to say that ER got him in QUICK. I filled out paperwork, sat down for about three minutes was listening to a lady who was there with her son (who I saw again on the way out) ask this guy how long he had been waiting and he said over an hour (he cut his arm with glass from a window) and they hadn’t given him anything for pain. There were about 10 people waiting. We were called right back and seen promptly by the screening nurse and then the ER doctor. I feel really good about the care and promptness and they were busy, just in the time we were waiting, at least 4 ambulances pulled in with patients.

Holy cow am I still a bit freaked. I sure hope that is all it was and nothing too serious. I will have to do some research tomorrow on this, but I am just too wiped out right now and I don’t want to misread or misinterpret anything as a result.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Saturday Night Musing

God, it was a great day not having to work and getting to spend all day with Max, even if I am very tired. Five whole days and no work. I pretty much have something planned for everyday, but not too planned or overscheduled.

I decided that I am going to use these 5 days to get Max on a better (read back to two a day) nap schedule. He woke my up once to often lately (this morning) in the 4 am hour. I can handle the 5 am hour. Even the 3 am hour is better for me than the 4 am hour. So, he went down nicely for his first nap around 9 am, but we never really have trouble with the first nap. He slept for about 1.5 hours. Then, he had an early lunch, we ran some errands, came back and played (chase, hug, and generally bug Shadow with laughter and utter glee in his voice was the favorite game of today and Shadow was NOT amused), watched a dvd, and then around 1 ish gave him a bottle and then put him in his crib. It took a few trips in to give him more formula, give him a book for his crib, and general soothing, plus a bit of cry it out in the end and finally, he went down for another 1.5 hour nap. This actually totals about the same amount of sleep he was getting with one nap, but the stretch in the afternoon to bedtime is just too long and he is too tired. Because of the good afternoon nap, I moved his bedtime back 30 min. to 7:30 pm, but he was so tired and went to sleep so easily I probably could have left it at 7 pm. We will see if this works. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wakes up at some point pee’d through because we were out in the backyard playing in the water and the heat for a few hours and he drank a lot of water.

Well, I should say that Max played (quite nicely amusing himself) in the afternoon while I worked on the project I decided to tackle now that I am not pregnant. The “fix the fountain” project. The old motor died and needed to be replaced so one of our errands was to get that, along with a little memorial for the little wee one that never made it to birth (a butterfly statue, that looks like it could also be a dragon fly). It is very different from the fairy statue from my first m/c, but I had gone in thinking about a butterfly and found one I liked (and didn’t really find anything else I liked instead). Anyway, I managed to get the fountain drained and apart. I can’t describe what a PITA that was and I have a sore back and legs, plus a big bruise on my left thigh, a big bruise on my right calf, and a sore toe from where I dropped (all on separate occasions) on myself. I tested the old pump to ensure that it in fact did not work, before opening the new one (at a mere $105) and attempted to get it back together again. I flat out couldn’t do it. I was so wishing I was married or had someone else around to call and help because I just wanted this done and I had to keep stopping to make sure Max wasn’t getting into trouble and hosing off the cement so he didn’t burn himself (because of course he would much rather play in the mud puddles in the sun than the nice water toys momma bought for him in the shade). I called my cousin to tell her how much I miss her not coming this summer and tell her about my fountain project cause I know she would have helped if she were here since last time the pump burnt out, she helped me fix it. She reminded me that she and I couldn’t do it by ourselves and that James her 13 (at the time) year old son help. Damn. I had forgotten about that. No wonder I couldn’t do it by myself. I called the place I bought it from to see how much it would cost to send a crew out to put it back together. $170. Not quite ready to part with that cash yet. I think I may ask my gardeners on Wednesday if they will do it if I pay them $40 or $60 in cash. Still a bargain for me and they are already here. I also thought about trying to hire a day laborer for a few hours, but don’t really feel comfortable doing that with just Max and I (guys just hang out on the street and wait for people to drive up and offer them work). So, another project on the to-do list not done that will require more of a cash investment to resolve.

My Friday project really started on Thursday night also remains incomplete and will likely require a call to the plumber to resolve. I really should be able to fix it myself. It is not that hard, but I am tired with the early wake ups and have either needed to work (or today rested and read while Max napped, after picking up the mess created since the last time he slept). The hand sprayer on my kitchen faucet started leaking so I bought one that looked exactly like it to replace it (even took the old one in as a model to be sure). Well, it only looked alike from the outside. The inside was slightly different. So, I thought I had to take off this white thing on the hose to connect it. I was wrong and basically screwed up the hose such that I was not able to fix it, which required me to replace the hose. Of course, to get to where the hose connects I either had to work blind, which I couldn’t do because it is behind the garbage disposal and my arms aren’t long enough or cut a hole in the cupboard (inside) between the left and the middle section. So, I cut the whole yesterday, got everything replaced, and tested it. Naomi was nice enough to stay a little late while I cleaned up and finished up. I thought I had it all with no leaks except a slow drip on the handle. I was wrong. I now have a baking dish in the cupboard to catch the water and need to empty it after using the kitchen sink to avoid water all over the kitchen floor (again). I either need to search deep within to find the patience and stamina to get back to this project or likely it will end up as another project that will require more of a cash investment to resolve.

Speaking of cash investments, I was buying a new microwave (because the old one that I had for 15+ years died sadly and they no longer make the same model) when I got the official news of the m/c. I really don’t like the new one. Not because of the timing, but because of other stupid reasons, mostly because it isn’t the old one. It shows finger prints. It cooks things too hot and too fast. It has express timers, but the 1 min. one is usually too long and the 30 second one is usually too short. To do a manual time amount is a pain. Plus, the cord is about 3 inches too short to fit into the outlet without an extension so the cart it sits on is out of place because I have been to tired/lazy/it hasn’t bugged me quite enough to find an extension and fix it.

Other than minor hassles of every day life, I am doing just fine. I have been reading that Coming to Term book when I get time (about 5 – 10 min at night before I am so tired I need to sleep) and it is very interesting and encouraging. I have slowly started to call or get back in contact with friends I just didn’t have the energy or desire to talk with after the m/c. I have been on BCP’s (birth control pills) in prep for my cycle for about 5 days now and I am one of those odd ducks that LOVES being on BCP’s. I spent most of my adult life (from 20 – 40) on BCP’s except for about a year in my late 20’s until I stopped ttc. I know most people get moody and out of sorts on BCP’s, but they just really regulate me (who normally produces too much estrogen and not enough progesterone) and I tend to feel great on them.

A friend mentioned wine earlier and I seriously thought about opening a bottle tonight and having a glass (since it is a nice long weekend and I have no reason to not), but it just seemed like too much energy and wouldn’t really have “gone” with my gourmet dinner of spaghetteos out of a can. I’m sure water was the better choice. Hmm. Maybe I will go pour myself a glass and go soak in the tub forgetting all about my projects that are currently in shambles and worse off from when I started.

Of course, with my luck, I will have the wine and then have a night from HELL where Max wakes up umpteen times just to torment me for his minor CIO nap earlier today. See how pessimistic I have become these last few years. I used to be such a positive optimistic gal.