Sunday, December 31, 2006

Just don’t know

I sit here on the cusp of New Years Eve with a dab of makeup and curlers in my hair. Not, because I have any hot plans for tonight…don’t have the energy or desire…but, because I’m taking more formal pictures with Max and my niece this afternoon. We were suppose to take them a few days ago, but Max woke up from his nap sick and crying and crabby only wanting mommy, mommy, mommy. One of those days were you change yourself and the kid every few minutes because you get peed on, medicine all over, etc.

I have no resolutions or intention of making any. I usually can’t even remember them come mid-January, let alone actually keep them. Lately, when I wish upon a star or say a small prayer, it is for clarity and peace. Clarity to know if and how my family should become complete and peace with the decisions and my body for failing me on having a second child.

As this day closes, as the year ends, so does the outlier timeframe on my t42 attempts. I knew when I weaned early, it would likely not happen right away, but I thought it would happen. I always wanted two children close together. Two years apart is the biggest age spread that I wanted in “the dream”. And, for that to happen, I would have had to get pregnant this month. Which didn’t happen. I didn’t get to even play the game.

I just don’t know what I want to do next. What I should do next. If anything.

I’ve been thinking that maybe it is just meant to be me and Max.

Then, I think I need to at least give it a few more attempts to see if we can get life into my own ovaries/eggs.

Then, I think about donor egg.

I toss around adoption (which really seems totally overwhelming at this point) would be really the only way I could get a closer age spread at this point.

Each option has pro’s and con’s. I have been thinking about them. Mulling it over.

And still, I have no clear direction. I just don’t know.

What I wanted, I just can’t have, at this point. So, what is the next step? I just don’t know and wish I did. I’m a big planner. I like to have plans inside of plans. Having no real plan or direction is very hard for me.

I had some CM (cervical mucus) the other day. At first I thought it was my imagination. But, the next day it was clearly there. Since I am now on cd31 with no period, it is possible that I had a late ovulation. Of course, the clinic was closed for the holiday weekend. I may get a progesterone test a week from Monday just to see what it shows. If I ovulated. If my ovaries are functioning.

The thing is, since I’m not pregnant and there is nothing in site, I feel pressure to make other decisions like whether to put Max in out of the house day care. I feel like he is ready for a change and more stimulation, but like the control and convenience of having Noemi come.

There seem to be too many decisions. And, I seem incapable of making any concrete ones right now. So, by default, I am making the decision to stay the course a bit longer and see what happens.

And, wish for peace and clarity. And, pray for clarity and peace. And, vow to try not to control that which can’t be controlled.

Maybe I will drink one of those bottles of Champagne (a very good one) tonight after I put Max down, get a little toasty, have an early night and wish myself Happy New Year! Or, maybe I will just do the same ole’ same ole’ after I put him down. See can’t even make a fricken decision about that. I’m a lot of things, but indecisive is not usually one of them.

Happy New Year! May next year be the best year ever for us all. Please, god, please?

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas 2006

Pictures from earlier in the month of our tree and decorations.

Christmas Tree

Christmas Decorations

Pictures from Christmas morning/day.

Momma and Max in our Christmas PJ's and the presents from Santa.

Max in Christmas PJ's playing with present from Santa.

Max playing with other present from Santa (mat) and football from his Aunt Kris.

Max in his new Charger outfit, playing basket ball (at 16 months).

Max "playing" basketball.

Max making a basket (with Momma's help) in his new basketball hoop.

We had a very nice and relaxing Christmas. It was a small gathering with just my mom and youngest sister Kris spending the day with us. Max has been totally into basketball since I took him to a high school JV game a few weeks ago to see a team that a friends sister coaches. He will turn on and change the channel on the TV to find a game; run to find our basket ball, and keep saying to the TV “basket ball”.. He will point out basket ball courts and hoops when driving. He will now, want to run up and down the court when we go to a park that has them. He also likes football, will turn on a football game, get his football, and say “football”. He can play for 20 minutes with a tennis ball. When we go on walks, if we pass a lemon or orange tree, he will want you to pick one for him, and when you give it to him, he will say, ‘ball”. He loves all balls, but his current favorite is basket ball. I mentioned to my youngest sister, who used to be a professional soccer play and very into sports that Max could use a smaller size basketball for Christmas since we only had “my” official adult size one. She went all out and got him a hoop, 3 different size basketballs, and a small soccer and football that came with the smallest basketball (seen featured in these pictures). He liked the presents from Santa (the wooden cube and the mat), but loved the balls and the hoop.

Max really had no interest in opening the presents or in the presents themselves until they were already open. We opened a few family gifts on Christmas eve, the gifts from Santa (which weren’t wrapped) and gifts from friends/relatives in the morning, and then a few more later in the morning. Max seemed a bit overwhelmed by everything at a certain point and would play with the “old” familiar toys (other than the balls) until later today after they had sat around the house for awhile. I actually held back a few gifts from me that I will give to him at a later time because it is just so much. He got a sit-n-spin, a 3-1 toddler basketball, a little people ship, a little people farm, several books, a little tikes tool box (from me), on top of the presents from my sister and Santa. I have no idea where I am going to put all of this stuff. I think tomorrow, I will put some of it away for awhile and rotate through a new one every week for awhile to make it not so overwhelming for us both.

In ovary news, my ovaries really felt like they may burst on Christmas eve, but feels like things are subsiding now. So, possibly, I did have some follicles grow and ovulated, otherwise, I don’t really know what it could have been. Too bad, the timing was so off that I couldn’t get in for an u/s to see what was going on there.

We had a nice breakfast of sausage, bacon, eggs, and fruit. Then, snacked the rest of the day and had left overs tonight. So, no big cooking or clean up. Thank goodness, because it was enough as it was dishes wise on top of all of the wrapping paper, boxes, and stuff. Anyway, all and all, it was a very nice Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

ps. In some of these pictures, can you believe that Max is only 16 months?

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Getting into the spirit

I’m starting to get into the spirit of the holiday over here. I realized last night after I posted that I had been carrying around a lot of toxic, negative thoughts for awhile and getting them out has helped. My ovaries, especially my left, are still really sore, but I have decided just to wait until next week to email/call if they are still bugging me.

I’m almost ready for Christmas, I have three more gifts (ornaments) to order for my sisters kids, but have already told her they won’t get there by Christmas and they do have another present from me under the tree. I have picked them out, but just need to order them. I started getting them each an ornament every year since they were born and have been regretting it the last year or two, sigh, but can’t really stop now, can I?

My mom is here and has at least tried to help. I told her last night after Max was down that this was the time of night that it was really hard for me to have company and to not be crabby. I told her that I needed some “me” time along with an early bed time since I am up so early. So, I (mostly) don’t feel guilty for ignoring her for the last hour while I caught up on the computer, did a load of laundry, picked up the house, fed the animals, loaded and set the dishwasher, etc.

A friend told me that a local grocery story had a Christmas dinner special that was pretty good, except for the stuffing, so I ordered us one. However, they didn’t have any at that store so we have to pick it up about 20 minutes away. My mom and niece are going to do that tomorrow for me. For $50 you get a turkey, mash potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauces, green bean casserole, and a pie. It is supposed to feed between 6 – 8. Everyone coming is fine/thrilled with it so we are not stressed, in the kitchen, and have time to relax. My sister who is not here was horrified. I said, yeah, well if you were here, you would either make a nice meal or at least help. Took a lot of pressure off.

Finally, I am kind of looking forward to the holiday. It just seems like so much really sucky stuff has happened lately. Christmas is usually my favorite holiday and it has just seem like such a chore and that I was “checking things off the list” rather than enjoying the season like I normally do.

I can finally say MERRY CHRISTMAS and mean it.

Friday, December 22, 2006

On my mind

I should be wrapping Christmas presents, but instead I’m making my way through a bag of peanut M&M’s. I’ve been doing really great with not eating junk lately because I haven’t had any in the house, have resisted buying any while at the store and declined most holiday social gatherings because I haven’t had time and haven’t felt like trying to get a sitter. But, the M&M’s screamed at me while I was out doing last minute shopping.

I could also be trying to get my sister and my cousins new address, but really I don’t feel like it at this moment. Max is napping. Noemi is cleaning. My mom is headed over for the weekend. So, I’m going to enjoy my quite ‘me’ time while it lasts.

Some things that have been on my mind….

I’ve never been a nervous driver. Even when I first started driving, I was confident and did well with it. Since Dr. N died, I’m more contentious and thoughtful and just a tad nervous. Not that I think it really shows or anyone else would notice, but I do inside of me. I haven’t been driving in the far left lane or car pool lane most of the time because a friend told me that she saw or read something that said that the number one thing you can do to prevent a death (not including diet, exercise, etc.) was to not drive in the far left lane. Plus, I see these people driving, like this morning when I was running some errands, taking all kinds of foolish risks. Running red lights. Blowing through stop signs. Pulling out in front of people. I won’t even talk about the parking lot behavior. I just want to stop them and tell them to slow down, be more cautious, if not for themselves, then for others. Yet, I know that it would really do no good, because, you know, they are in a hurry, think they are beyond the rules or good rood etiquette. Really, I just see this behavior and it makes me sad.

I’m feeling kind of lost ttc wise. I always loved going to my clinic and emailing Dr. N and running theories and plans inside of plans by him. Especially since my consult with Dr. A, I don’t really feel like “I” have a doctor that is mine. Seems Dr. A and Dr. Q are going to jointly take me on. Probably it is best in the long run, but is leaving me feeling kind of lost right now. I want someone to tell me why they think my ovaries are sore. Not sure if I should email one or the other or both and figure they are just so busy right now they don’t have time for little ole me. It has crossed my mind to try to start fresh someplace else with a new clinic/RE, but I think it is too late in the game for that for me. Who would want to take on my case at this point? Plus, I don’t want some RE trying to tell me what to do. I want final say, which I will have where I am at. For example, doing dex with an IUI cycle. I don’t want someone telling me it is hopeless and they won’t take me on and I don’t want someone to just blindly have to follow some RE’s orders.

Did I mention that I have to be out of town for 4 days in the middle of January for work? I’ve been worrying and trying not to worry about this. Two friends said they would watch Max for me. My sister said that she would do it, which would be more ideal because then Max would be in his own house in his own bed at night, but only if her daughter still wasn’t living here at the time. I have a lot of thoughts, mostly ill will ones towards my sister on that. I just can’t imagine getting to a point that I would feel that uncomfortable or have that much animosity towards one of my children. It is really sad.

My sister, her husband, and her youngest daughter are in Seattle this year for Christmas visiting her husbands family. Her other daughter was not invited and will be spending Christmas here. Can you imagine? I know N is very hurt by this, who wouldn’t be. It just makes me so sad and angry. They do talk on the phone occasionally, but are not really communicating. My sister dropped off a bunch of presents the other day before she left, a lot for N. N told her that she didn’t really want any presents and would rather they talk and work things out. My sister didn’t, wouldn’t, and doesn’t get it and why N would be upset by the hypocrisy. Staying out of it has been hard, but I have so far. I’m just trying to give N as much love and support and family as I can right now.

I told Noemi the other day about my work trip in January and how I didn’t know who was going to watch Max; either my sister or one of my friends (who her cousin works for several days a week and Noemi knows well). Noemi came back the next day and told me she talked to her husband and that if my sister can’t stay, she would be happy to stay over night, for no extra money, because she loves Max and it will be better for him. We can both see him crying and not sleeping well and having a hard time adjusting. If my sister can’t/won’t stay, I probably will take Noemi up on that and I will pay her extra.

Of course, she tells me this right after I had been thinking petty thoughts about how I hate it when she leaves Max’s excersaucer on Shadow’s bed when she does the floor every day, or how she piles all my shoes/slippers up so I have to dig through them to find what I want, or how she touches and rearranges my bath towels every day. I know, I know, I should probably just tell her, BUT, I know it is just so stupid and petty that I can’t bring myself to even try to say the words. And, she really is good with and does love Max.

I have been very stupid financially lately. I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t gotten to my bills in a timely manner, haven’t balanced things, etc. and I have made some stupid mistakes that have cost me money. For example, with a late fee and a higher interest rate on one of my cards. Or, when I paid almost $600 to the gas company instead of the electric company. These are just a few of several. I keep trying to tell myself to give me a break, it hasn’t been the easiest few months and in the whole scheme of things. But, it is just such a waste of money. It makes me mad at myself. With all of the extra Christmas stuff, money is tighter than I like right now and than it has been in a long time.

I really want to send some money in memory of Dr. N to their children’s education fund, but can’t swing the amount I would like to donate ($500) right now. I’ve thought about doing less now and more later, but have decided to wait until January or early February. I just get the impression that money is an issue for Dr. P now that Dr. N has passed. And, I want to help if I can.

There is this radio station here that is granting Christmas Wishes. People call up and leave a message and they with the help of sponsors are donating gift cards and groceries and stuff to help some less fortunate for Christmas. I have thought about calling up and leaving a Christmas wish for Dr. P and the kids, but haven’t because I am not sure if it would be overstepping my bounds or if it would be welcome or what. Probably, things aren’t desperate for her, but I just get a strong feeling like money is going to be a huge issue and I know all too well how money trouble sucks and the weight that could cause on top of her grief. I just know how much I miss Dr. N and how badly I feel and it has to be nothing compared to that of his family. I can’t get them off my mind for long.

I ran out of Christmas cards. I should have ordered at least 5 or 10 more. Oh well, too late now. I guess I will just forgo sending the rest or send an email proof of the card. How tacky!

It has been cold and damp. Shadow still wants to “go” but is struggling a bit. I’ve been giving her pain meds every day recently to try and help her discomfort. She is having a hard time getting in and out of the car even with the twist step I have so this morning I put the carpets stairs that we use at home in the back of the car with her and took it with us so we could go see the ducks like we do most Friday mornings. Yesterday, we just walked around the neighborhood in the morning instead of going to a park. It was cold (34 degrees F) and the ground was icy and frosty. We were about ¾ of the way and Max sat down on someone’s lawn to rest. Shadow laid down next to him and Max scooted over and gave Shadow a big lay on top of you hug with a big smile. Shadow is so great with him even though it has to hurt her when he climbs over and on or tries to ride her. I keep telling myself she has had a long (16 years) well lived life, but I am not ready to loose her. She has slipped a few times on the tile floor in the house and will stand and sure herself up if she needs to leave the carpet to go onto the tile now. I’m not ready to loose her.

I felt slightly guilty after Max and Noemi left this morning about Max potentially having Chicken Pox and that I shouldn’t have let them go, but I really don’t think it is Chicken Pox and he is feeling fine and really needed to leave the house for a bit today. The truth is I didn’t really even think about it until after they were gone, but probably would have let them go anyway if I had. I remember complaining awhile back about people taking their kids out sick and how inconsiderate that is, and now I am potentially one of those people. Sigh.

There are probably a few other random thoughts I have been thinking about and need to get off my chest before going into the holiday weekend, one where my mom will be spending here with me testing my patients and good will, but I think I got all the big ticket items and worries out.

Now, back to completing the tasks at hand.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Mystery Rash

To quote myself…(after correcting a grammer error because while I am too lazy to go fix it in the original post, I can't just leave it wrong if I am going to repost it as a quote)

Max has red marks all over him and will scratch himself raw (made his leg bleed the other day) when you take his clothes off. Trying to determine if this is a problem, an allergy, or something I should be concerned with. He is totally fine when fully clothed.

Max had an appointment this afternoon for his second flu shot. Rather than just pulling up his sleeve, the nurse wanted me to undress him. When I did, the first thing he did was start scratching** so I made an off handed comment to the nurse about the rash and whether I should be concerned with it or not. She took a look and then went and got another nurse, I think the head nurse, to look at it. She felt like a doctor needed to look at it prior to Max getting his flu shot, so we waited for a doctor. The doctor came in and took a look and wanted to have another doctor take a look at it. The other doctor came and took a look. Then, the two doctors left the room to discuss.

And, it is a mystery. Probably, a viral rash following the stomach virus or the cold/cough thing we got after than. Possibly, a weird chicken pox outbreak even though Max had the chicken pox vacine less than 6 months ago.* Potential bug bites or an allergy to laundry detergent or some other allergy.

If it is gone by Christmas, it is a viral rash.

If it comes and goes every 3 – 4 days for the next two weeks, it is Chicken Pox.

If it lingers, it is likely an allergy.

I’m ruling out bug bites, because there is no way the house or pets are infected with bugs. Not only do I keep them on flea/tick medicine, I have someone come once a month to spray. And, I am obsessive about bugs not being in the house. I would notice if they were in Max’s bed. Plus, no one else in the house (me) has been affected.

Bottom line, nothing really to worry about other than potentially affecting other people if it is the Chicken Pox. The doctor was really sweet and very concerned about our holiday plans. I told him they were limited as we are staying home and everyone coming has already had the Chicken Pox.

Treatment? Keep him lathered up in lotion and/or put hydrocortzone on the welts and watch it. It it is still problematic over time, I’ll let them know.

So, we didn’t get out of there until late. Got home 40 minutes after Max’s usual dinner time with him only fussing at the beginning of the ride home. Walked the dog letting Max walk most of the way since he hadn’t had much chance since I put him in the car to leave for his appointment right after he woke up from his nap. We bypassed bath and books tonight making to to bed only 15 – 20 minutes late.

Since it was so late, I did not call or stop by my RE’s office, which is right near Max’s pediatrians office to show Max off or beg for another u/s just to make sure that my ovaries were still not responding. I have been having some pressure in my ovary area (mostly left) that I am slightly worried about, especially if I am not producing any follicles.

Which reminds me of an intersting tid bit I learned in my consult with Dr. A the other day. Even if you are on birth control pills, your body still recrutes follicles which are obsorbed (?) instead of being ovulated. Thus, your FSH would not be falsly low if say…you were on BCP’s for 20 years or so…like I was prior to ttc’ing. Dr. A said, that since my FSH was so low, he thought there was something else going on and that it was not menopause or ovarian decensitization (which I don’t really understand yet at this point) because both are associated with an elevated FSH of which I do not have. Even if my Inhibin B is so low.

* I told the doctor that I thought you typically had a fever when you had the Chicken Pox. He said, yes typically, but that is not always true when a person has previously had the vacine. And, Max did have a fever the other day.

** I guess I should note that Max often has skin abnormalities for lack of a better word since his skin is so fair. So, it is not unusual for him to have bumps or rashes that come and go, but they have never been itchy. And, I guess it is the itchiness that makes the difference and was a cause for closer scrutiny.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Feeling better – mostly

Horrible, horrible headache is gone and am only left with mild, low grade headache. May or may not have a tooth infection. Cough is almost gone. Back is sore. Stress related and out of alignment I’m sure. Spent almost entire day sorting through papers, paying bills, filing, balancing my checking account (which hadn’t been done since September). Almost finished, only have to balance my Amex for the last few months and file a few more things.

Attempted to make Caramelized Pears from this Simply Slow Cooking cookbook this morning in between paying bills. I followed the recipe exactly or so I thought, but something went horribly wrong. The sauce caramelized so much that everything is stuck solid, including the spoon, to the dish. Sigh. They looked really good too (in the book).

Told myself that once Max went down I would rally and work on Christmas Cards tonight and wrapping tomorrow night. And, I’m too tired. Think I will go feed the animals, medicate Shadow, pick up a bit, and go climb in bed with a book.

Max has red marks all over him self and will scratch himself raw (made his leg bleed the other day) when you take his clothes off. Trying to determine if this is a problem, an allergy, or something I should be concerned with. He is totally fine when fully clothed.

After the first night of boycott, he has been doing great in the sleep sacks. If fact, he seems to sleep a bit longer when in them, especially at nap time. Went down at noon and slept until I went in his room at 3:45 pm today. Yesterday, I didn’t put him in one at nap time and he woke up at 2:15ish. The day before I did and he slept until 3:40 when I went in his room. So, sleep has been good (hope I don’t jinx myself), but his eating has slowed. Last night he really only ate fruit (forget what he was offered). Tonight he only ate noodles and fruit and left his peas and beef tips alone. Hmmm. Not really worried about the eating because he does go through fazes and was eating an unbelievable amount of food last week and the week before except for the few days his tummy was off with the vomit and diarrhea.

Still have a lot of thoughts about Dr. N and Dr. P and their family/kids and my consult with Dr. A and what to do for a next cycle rolling around in my brain. Just don’t have the energy or wherewithal to get into it right now.

I guess I’m hosting Christmas eve, which I am actually very happy about since I think it will be easiest in the long run, but this means that I need to decide what to cook and get it ready. I think I will call Honey Baked and reserve a ham and some trimmings and serve that and have left overs for Christmas day.

Trying not to think about everything that needs to get done in preparation for Christmas and work. I still haven’t written any more reviews. I think I have 5 or 6 out of 45 ish done. Yikes. Although, I have been checking email and doing some follow up as needed there since I really don’t have a back up since everyone is out. I am feeling some stress, but not enough stress to actually work on anything right now. Ta ta. Off to finish my “must do” chores and to bed.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


All and all, I think I am a tad bit depressed. I had my consult with Dr. A today. I started crying when he told me that, in not so many words, I was (one of) Dr. N’s favorite patients and that he looked at me more like a friend than a patient. Today, was Dr. N and Dr. P’s wedding anniversary. Dr. A said when he talked to Dr. P last night, she wasn’t doing so well and that he was going to take dinner over to her and the kids tonight. I so wish there was something I could do to make that whole situation better. I still miss Dr. N so much and have so much empathy for Dr. P. God, it just sucks!

In an odd state of events, I was talking to a friend over the weekend who has a friend who is the roommate to Dr. P’s office manager (talk about 6 degrees of separation). And, they said, that it was a couple who were having an argument that hit Dr. N; that, they are being prosecuted for manslaughter. Both of them. I don’t know them or their situation, but it just still feels so wrong and so tragic.

--- Interrupted hours ago by the phone and a visit from my sister. Feeling very sick. Horrible headache that, along with a stuffy nose/drainage is making be very nauseous. I’m sure the two margarita lunch isn’t helping. Rather than waiting to post. I’m going to stop now and post more tomorrow or later in the week. ---

Other than to say, consult went basically fine. Dr. A hadn’t looked at my chart yet. Said he would and will get back to me.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Still Nothing

When I woke up yesterday (at 4 am, with Max sleeping until 5:20), I thought I felt some ovarian pressure. I decided to wait until today and see if I still felt it, which I do. So, I called and went in for an u/s today. Sadly, still nothing. Not one measly follicle. Probably just as well since my lining sucked anyway (only 6.5 on cd 12). Hmm, I wonder what I am feeling then. I’m glad I went in instead of worrying and wondering, but it made me sad all over again. As I told one of the office staff, I’m even getting cancelled from IUI’s now.

I’m just feeling a little lost in the ttc arena. I really don’t know what to do next. I have a consult next week with both Dr. Q and Dr. A. I guess I will see what they have to say.

I received a really nice email from Dr. Q after my email to him and we exchanged several emails over the weekend because he misunderstood my first one thinking I wanted to change me care to Dr. A instead of just going to him for a consult. I think all is fine there, but I think I make him uncomfortable now. Sigh. And, he probably thinks I am a total nutcase for coming in today, but I am fine with that. I’m glad I went. Sad my ovaries are such , but glad I confirmed it instead of just wondering.

On the work front, still very behind. According to my own schedule, I should have 28 reviews written by the end of today. I currently have 0 done, but read through and started prepping for 5 or 6 of them. I guess I am resigned to working during my vacation so not feeling all that motivated.

Max has had an elevated temperature a few times this week and has some new teeth. We had a really difficult afternoon yesterday because he refused to nap and Noemi let him scream for over an hour while I was on a work call. They are gone now and he was still awake when I left for my RE appointment, but hope things went better and that he actually slept a bit.

I think I will scrap work for the day and go lay in bed and read for an hour. If I tried really hard, I could probably get 2 reviews written, but I really don’t feel like it.

ETA: Wasted the hour on the computer. And, Max and Noemi are back and she confirmed another day of no nap. At least he is not fussy and screaming today over it.

Friday, December 08, 2006

First Email to new RE

Subject: Cancelled Cycle Follow Up

Dr. Q -

I'm not sure if you remember me or not since you have had so many new patients thrown at you all at once and are mid-cycle, but I was a long time patient of Dr. N's and my latest cycle attempt (modified estrogen priming/6 weeks, 4 amps Gonal F, IUI) was cancelled Wednesday due to non-response. Since this is my second cycle in a row cancelled for non-response, I know this does not bode well for having another genetic child, but I am not ready to give up yet. I would be interested in knowing how you think I should proceed for another attempt with my own eggs in an effort to get these ovaries to go back to being a poor responder, instead of their current completely non-responsive state. I would be particularly interested in hearing more about ovary sensitization (?) that you briefly mentioned during the u/s. I have an idea of how I would like to proceed, but would like to get your opinion. Let me know if you would prefer me to set up a consult to review/discuss instead of doing it through email. I have also set up a consult with Dr. A for later in the month to get his opinion before I make a final decision. I have attached an excel cycle history chart that I maintain for myself that summarizes my ttc attempts in 2 pages that you may find helpful. I have copied it below in case you don't have excel, but it reads/lines up/prints better from excel.

On another note, you said something that I found quite hurtful after the exam on Wednesday that I just wanted to mention for awareness. I truly know that it wasn't intended as such, but when you mentioned that you know many women who would give anything to be in my position (or something like that) because of my son, it really stung especially because with 2 cancelled cycles in a row for no response, after 6 weeks of estrogen priming which was probably my best shot at having another genetic child, the reality is that likely no matter what I try next my ovaries are done. Studies have shown that secondary infertility can be just as emotional and stressful as primary infertility. The whole process is just so hard and regardless if someone is struggling to have their first child, a second child, or a fifth child to make/complete their family it is still exceedingly difficult when it doesn't work. I actually agree with you that many women still trying to have their first do feel that way, not understanding that it isn't any easier (and in some ways can actually be harder and more stressful) after successfully having a child if you so desire to have another. Because I have been in their shoes (Max truly was a miracles child if you look at the cycle he was conceived), I am very conscious of when and how I talk about my son to my many friends who are still trying unsuccessfully to have their first or who have decided, at least for now, to live child free. My ideal family size, in a perfect world, would be 3 children. I weaned my son early and have been trying for a second child for over 9 months now in an attempt to build my family before it was too late and getting cancelled on Wednesday means my dream for my family will probably never happen and future attempt are more to get me emotionally ready to move on. Comparing my pain or situation to anyone at that time seemed to invalidate my feelings, especially on top of the loss of Dr. N who was just so special to me, when I was trying (had personally vowed) not to cry during the visit even if I was cancelled as I feared I would be. Again, I truly know that is not how you intended it and that you are under extreme stress right now, but I wanted to mention it. I hold no grudge and am letting it go now that I have told you how the comment made be feel. I look forward to working with you again soon.

Deb Cycle History Summary Chart

Cycle 1 Date: April 2004
Cycle Day 10 13 15 17 18
Right 8 12 17 19 10
Left 9, 7 13, 13, 9 18, 16, 7 18, 15, 9 23, 20
Lining 9.8 9.7 10.1 9.9
Protocol Clomid, No Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 17, IUI cd18
Result Negative

Cycle 2 Date: June 2004
Cycle Day 9 13 15
Right 12 18 ?
Left 10, 8 14, 12 ?
Lining 5 9.6 ?
Protocol Clomid, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 15
Result Pregnant, M/C

< August 2004 Myomectomy>

Cycle 3 Date: September 2004
Cycle Day 9 11 13
Right 13, 11 15
Left 16, 10, 9 20, 14 23, 18
Lining 8.14 9.1 9.3
Protocol 2 amps Repronex/Pergonal, Viagra, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 13
Result Negative

Cycle 4 Date: December 2004
Cycle Day 9 11
Left 24, 16, 13, 12, 10 27, 16
Lining 8.44 ?
Protocol L5
Procedure IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd11
Result Pregnant, Max

Cycle 5 Date: April 2006
Cycle Day 5 7 9
Left 12, 11, 8 17, 13, 10 21, 10
Lining 5 9.6 10.2
Protocol Natural, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 12
Result Negative

Cycle 6 Date: May 2006
Cycle Day 8 11 13 16
Left 13. 8, 8 18,12, 11, 9, 7 22, 15, 12, 12, 10, 9 30, 20, 16, 16, 14
Lining 9 11.1 12.2
Protocol 2 amps Gonal F, 1 amp Repronex
Procedure IUI cd 16
Result Pregnant, M/C

Cycle 7 Date: July 2006
Cycle Day 2 5 9 10 12
Right 6 preantral 9
Left 6 preantral 11, 7, 6 18, 13, 8 20, 16, 10 25, 17
Lining 2.4 ? 9.5 11 11.3
Protocol A8 Follistim/Repronex
Procedure IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd12
Result Negative

Cycle 8 Date: September 2006
Cycle Day 2 9
Protocol ? 4 amps Gonal F, alt 1 amp Repronex @ day 3 every other day; ? dex
Result n/a

< October 2006 Lap, remove gallbladder, appendix, small cyst on left ovary drained>

Cycle 9 Date: September 2006
Cycle Day 2 9
Protocol modified estrogen priming; 4 amps Gonal F, alt 1 amp Menopur @ day 3 every other day; dex
Result n/a

FSH - cd 2/3, 5.5 - 6.5
Inhibin B - 7
Progesterone - 7 dpo, 7 - 12 with 400 mg sups
Immunity Testing - Fine
Fluid u/s - Fibroids

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Cancelled. Due to no response. Zero. Zip. Nada. Again.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

In a Funk

First, let me say that I am feeling significantly better today. I think it really was a 24 hour type thing because I woke about 3 am Sunday night feeling crappy and about 2:30* this morning feeling much better. I still have some diarrhea and haven’t felt like eating much (3/4 of an egg McMuffin and a bowl of noodles), but much better than yesterday.

Yet, I have wasted so much time today that I don’t have to waste. I’m kind of pissed and disappointed in myself here. I am only hurting myself since the more I procrastinate the worse it is going to get, but I am just not motivated to do things that just absolutely have to get done by the end of the year. If I don’t get them done in the next two weeks, I will just have to do them when I am on vacation. Other people are counting on me. Yet, today, I didn’t start work until 9:30…needed to fix the vacuum since the part came in the mail yesterday and the cleaning lady came today (saved several hundred dollars, almost makes up for the washing the cell phone thing..sigh). And, then, I spent several hours surfing the net.

I have decided I am in a funk. Can’t seem to concentrate. Don’t feel like doing it. Maybe it is short term depression like thing because I have felt like crying on and off all day. Maybe it is the hormones, lack of sleep, desire to be an independently SAHM, blah, blah, blah.

Tomorrow, I vow to be better. The only problem with tomorrow is that I have meetings straight from 9 am – 12:30 pm and then need to leave at 2 pm for my RE appointment so that doesn’t leave much time to actually work. On Monday, I had to average writing 4 annual performance reviews to get them completed prior to vacation. This means I should have 8 done, when I actually have 0 done.

Enough whining. I am going to just wrap up for the day and promise to do better tomorrow.

As to Max, he decided he wasn't going to take a nap today, no how, no way, and we couldn't make him. After 90 min. in his crib, we freed him, but that means he will need to go to bed early and it likely will be an early morning with a waking or two tonight as a result. Sigh. Good thing most days, I don't mind little sleep and usually, Max isn't the cause.

* Only dozing between 5 am – 5:30 am when Max woke up. Damn, I kept telling myself just to get up and work instead of trying to go back to sleep, but no, I just laid there wasting time.

Monday, December 04, 2006

“The” Bug

Yes, I now have the stomach bug that Max has had and I am not amused. Feel like crap. Still worked most of the day, except for those few times I just had to lay down and the trips to the bathroom. Max, of course, is feeling great today. He was thrilled that Noemi was back since all I did most of the morning was lay on the couch while he watched TV, except for a 30 min. walk around the neighborhood and the 20 minutes I let him crawl and climb around the car (hey, I was desperate). When he had enough TV he started pulling the blanket off me while I was on the couch. Where does he get this stuff? I didn’t have the energy to fight with him about it. And, just said, okay, fine, I guess momma doesn’t get a blanket. I think that was the first time he saw me on the couch and he wasn’t amused since he was now feeling better and ready to go. Poor Momma (don’t mind me, just feeling a tad sorry for myself right now). Saltines and 7-up helped to settle things a bit, but I’m just so tired and feeling so icky. And, didn’t get half of what I needed to do today at work. Sigh. Guess I will be working during my next vacation unless I pick up the pace, but I just couldn’t do it today. Think I will go rest before Max gets back so I can rally the last few hours of the day with him.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Crappy Week

All and all, it has been a crappy week. Of course, it could have been worse. I could have also had to work this week instead of being on vacation. That was a silver lining in the dark clouds this week. If only….I could be a stay at home mom. Sigh, anyway….

1) Dr. N’s death tops the list on the bad scale this week. The service was nice and I’m glad I went. There were hundreds and hundreds in attendance. It filled the entire ballroom at a Ritz Carlton hotel. I always knew that Dr. N and Dr. P had a really great marriage and that came across clearly during the service. I’m sure that will make things all the harder for her in the days to come. Probably, the most touching was when the older kids read letters they had written to their daddy. I can cry all over again thinking about it. They both said how much they missed him and wished he could be there for Christmas. I’ve been thinking about how after the shock and horror have passed that my life goes on almost as normal from a day in and day out perspective; and how hard it was when I lost Lucky last year. There family will never be the same again. I can only imagine how hard things will be emotionally, financially, physically, and logistically. Four kids with the youngest of them less than a week old. Dr. P is an OB. She delivered Max. Max was born at 11:01 pm. From a day to day perspective, her life just got exponentially harder and she will be doing it without the support of the person she needed it most from. I’ve just been hoping and praying that God (or whatever higher being a person may believe in) gives the family the strength and resources needed to cope.
2) Max has been sick. He had that vomit episode Thursday night/Friday morning sometime and other than being a little less active, not eating much, and loose stool, he was basically fine. Then, last night he vomited again. He woke up at 4 ish and I brought him into bed with me (first time in a long long time I have tried that) with some milk. He sucked that down and we both dozed until 6 am. He was really off all day today. Didn’t eat anything. Wouldn’t drink anything. Finally, my niece ran to the store for me and picked up some saltines (without the salt), popsicles, animal crackers and pedialite. I cooked a potato. And, that’s what he had for dinner. A small taste of each with everything rejected except the saltines of which he had maybe 1. I know they say no milk with a tummy upset, but really it was the only thing he wanted. Actually, he went to the fridge, fussed until I opened the door, touched the milk, and said, “ba ba”. Hey, I can take a hint. I gave him 4 oz. around 6 pm and another 6 oz. when I put him to bed around 7 and he drank it all. We will see how tonight does. He has been off bottles for months now unless I want him to have some Tylenol, but figured he was sick and I was going to give the kid what he wanted after not really eating much of anything for days. When I was washing the bottle, I saw that he had bit off, entirely, the top of the nipple. I sure hope he didn’t swallow it cause that can’t be good for the tummy, period, let alone an already upset one.
3) I was going through a stack of bills and saw a disconnect notice for the electric company. Apparently, I paid the gas company an extra $600 this month. So, I had to pay another $600 to the electric company. I hate when I do dumb ass stuff like that. This was just not a good month for that type of screw up. I just paid over $1200 for the meds for this cycle, need extra cash for holiday bonuses for Noemi and Anna (cleaning lady), Christmas presents, etc.
4) I washed my cell phone in a load of laundry last night. I discovered this when I heard something thumping around in the dryer that shouldn’t have been. Several hundred dollars, I now have a new phone, but lost an hour of my time and all of my phone numbers. I really, really hate when I do stupid shit like this. It is just a f’ing waste of money. I seriously thought about not replacing it right way, but got it for safety reasons and for being able to check in on Max when away from him.
5) The vacuum broke earlier in the week. After a trip to the repair shop, they guy and I figured it was something I could fix myself. Not only will this option save me several hundred dollars, but the part should be here faster than if I had to send the vacuum out. Ultimately, this wasn’t a major deal, just an huge inconvenience of being without a vacuum with a toddler.
6) Moving off of the money stuff, I have been having an icky, bloody cycle. I kid you not. On Friday, I went through over 6 panties and pants/shorts because of leakage. Major leakage. On Saturday, I think it was only 2. This was using double pads (under the category of TMI, I can’t use tampons because I start getting all the symptoms of toxic shock, probably because of how clotty my periods are). I found out I was leaking by sitting on the ottoman of Max’s rocker, which is fabric. As careful as I was, I did this not once, but twice damn it! Between Max’s vomiting and diarrhea and me bleeding all over everything. I have been cleaning up one mess after another and doing so much laundry.

The thing is, days and weeks like this make me more determined not to get bent out of shape over mistakes and life’s hurdles. Yes, I did have to talk myself out of bursting into tears over the phone and to give myself a break for the mistake over the eclectic bill. It may not work for everyone, but self talk can work for me. It did today.

The week wasn’t all bad. I didn’t have to work and got to spend lots of extra time with Max. Most mornings these last two weeks, I met a friend (who is a SAHM that I don’t get to see much these days) and her kids at the park and we got brief conversations in while chasing, playing with, and refereeing the kids. My nurse coordinator gave me a box of Menopur (5 vials) saving me several hundred dollars on meds. I got a cell phone that has that blue chip headset, which I am hoping will work better than other ones that I last less than a week and never worked well, so I can be hands free and presumably safer when I drive. I’m blessed with my son and my health (haven’t gotten Max’s bug yet…knock on wood). I have wonderful, wonderful friends (several of whom really pitched in this week to watch Max for me at the last minute which was so incredibly helpful I can’t even express). Money may be tight this month and maybe the next few while I catch up, but overall I am financially sound.

Cycle wise, I’m happy in a sick sort of way that I’m wired from the Dex and the stims because the cycles I had no response, I didn’t have that reaction. It gives me some hope that maybe I will at least get a little response. And, really, it couldn’t happen at a better time because I have a heck of a lot of work that needs to get done in the next few weeks that will not be able to get done fully during regular business hours even if I didn’t have to be out several times for monitoring for the cycle. Actually, Friday night I almost completely forgot to start them, but remembered about 10 pm (when the plan was to start taking them around 7:30 pm after Max is down). I was so busy getting everything done that had to get done that it just slipped my mind. Friday night, I didn’t wrap thing up until midnight and was up at 4 am. Saturday, I rested while Max napped when we got home after Dr. N’s service, but wasn’t completely exhausted. Tonight, after a day like today with Max sick, errands, etc. I am still going strong at 9 pm instead of being ready to crawl into bed after I get Max down. Hey, if I have to be amp’d up on stims and dex, now is a really good time for it.

On the worry side of the cycle stuff, I am worried because my period has been so heavy and so “clotty”. Dr. Q (new RE) comment on how nice and think my lining was at the baseline u/s. I keep telling myself that it is just because of the estrogen and not that the estrogen caused my fibroids to grow and cause it. Clotting and heavy bleeding is a sign/symptom of fibroids. It was a calculated risk (taking the estrogen since fibroids feed on estrogen) that I was aware of prior to starting this cycle. I just hope it pays off. I am trying not to worry because at this point, it really is what it is, worrying won’t change it.

Of course, I think every time I cycle, it is a good cycle to get pregnant, but I especially feel this way this month, this time. Dr. Q and I talked about what a great tribute to Dr. N it would be. The best. I think if I don’t get pregnant this month, it is going to be extra hard because of that and because it was 2 years ago this month that Max was conceived. And, if I have any kind of response, it will be my fourth T42 cycle and I conceived Max on my fourth cycle. And, the truth is that none of that matters, what only matters is if I get a good egg (assuming my ovaries function) that meets up with a nice sperm, etc. and so forth.

Boo hoo. Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully, it won’t be too bad since I have checked and tried to keep up on email almost every day while I was out so I can hit the ground running.

One finally blessing/prayer for Dr. P and her family as they official ceremonies are behind them and they begin a new normal without a man who was there foundation as we go into the Christmas season. In spite of my personal bads and goods this week, they have never been far from my mind. My problems seem to pale by comparison.

Good riddance to this crappy week. May the one ahead be better, even if I do have to go back to work. And, may Max not freak out too much tomorrow with me going back to work. I’m just hoping Max is so happy to see Noemi that it isn’t the major drama that it could be, especially if he is still feeling off. Because as crappy as this week was, we had each other. I’ll take the crappiest of weeks with Max in my life because they are better than the best weeks when he wasn’t.

ETA: Forgot one more crappy thing. I can't get the vomit smell out of Max's hair. After several baths, hair washings, etc. The poor kid still smells like vomit and has (at least to me) since Friday. Very annoying and disgusting.

Friday, December 01, 2006

My Funny Kid

I say this with total love and affection, but my son can be quite odd at times. Apparently, he has the stomach virus for the first time. My friend who watched Max for me yesterday afternoon, her daughter started vomiting right before we arrived and vomited a few times while Max was there and he was exposed. As I walked by his room this morning, I smelt the stench indicating that he has succumbed to the virus after exposure. I heard him stir a few times last night, but that isn’t too unusual especially since he only got an hour nap yesterday. Yes, I check and he is still alive and sleeping peacefully and other than the smell, the only evidence was a half a cherry laying on his sheet which I removed. As tempting as it is to wake him and clean him and the crib up, I decided he must need his sleep more. This is the first time he has ever vomited and he never was much of a spitter upper as a baby and this seemed not to phase him at all.

I have noticed (and so has at least one other friend who pointed it out) that Max seems fairly oblivious to physical discomfort. He tolerates cold extremely well and would most often* rather be outside in the cold playing than inside given the choice. He seems to handle teething pain well since the other day when he was throwing a fit when I was putting him in his car seat (sadly, a regular occurrence these days as near as I can tell just on general principle) I notice some of his back teeth (maybe a molar, but it seems to early for that) was coming in.

The only thing that really gets him upset is gas. He will cry and scream and fuss when he is gassy.

Okay, said kid has now woken. Must go. And, so starts another day.

Update: He is currently watching TV. Woke up in a great mood. Wanted to touch and play in his dried vomit chunks. His poor bunny got the worst of it. He seems to like the new work…Icky…and tried it out a few times. He got mildly upset when he saw his Poo Bear go into the washing machine. Only got really upset when I put him in the tub to wash his hair (fine initially until the hair washing/shower commenced). Really, really got worked up when I had to put him back in because there were still some chunks left and he needed a round 2. I think he really should have had a round 3, but decided not to push my luck. He is fine now that he is dry and dressed.

* He is in a TV phase and now has actually chosen to stay in and watch a show rather than go out in the cold, windy weather a time or two.