Sunday, October 22, 2006

“Stay Out Of It”

That has been my motto on and off over the last few days. My niece N, who is 21, moved in with me for a few months.* She has been sharing a small place with a platonic guy friend. It is a one bedroom and he has the bedroom and she sleeps on the couch. They got a place together last year when my sister J basically kicked N out. J and N are very much alike and had conflict and clashes on a regular bases where each complains about qualities in the other that they also have. No problem staying out of that, it has been going on for too long.

When N moved out/was forced out, I was a bit concerned because I thought she was moving in with her boyfriend and didn’t want her to feel trapped or that she had to stay in a bad relationship. So, I called her, told her that I loved her, and that if she needed it, she had a place to stay at my house if the relationship went south. She told me that she was moving in with a male friend, but not her boyfriend (good thing, cause that guy is long gone). I told her I felt better about that situation, but the offer still stood.

I get a call from her about mid week last week asking if she could stop by and talk. She came right over and asked if she could move in until January. I said absolutely, no problem. She stayed over than night and every night since and moved her stuff into storage/clothes here on Saturday. Apparently, the guy she was living with is a heroin addict who started using again and is out of control. N came home on Monday or Tuesday night and the guy was high and covered in blood and she was scared and freaked. She was worried about him as a person and bailing on her “friend” because it is unlikely he will find someone else to move in with him and how he was worried his parents would find out and pull his cash so he would have to drop out of school. Another friend of theirs was going to talk to him and insist he get back to rehab or call his parents and tell them what is going on (think tough love). I explained, which intellectually, she knew, that a person who is high and using drugs is no ones friend, especially their own. We talked about how her mom does come by and in fact is sitting for me on Monday night so she would have to see her/talk to her, if she stayed her. This is an important point since they haven’t been talking/seeing each other for a few weeks. I hear from each that the other is too negative and “toxic” N had no problem with that after all, she “is” her mother and can deal with that, but she didn’t want her to know about the drugs. She didn’t want her mom to worry.

I get a call from J basically trashing her daughter and saying she can’t believe she left this guy high and dry and she needs to grow up and what is her problem. She is happy she has someone to turn to (me), because that is what family is for. And, how probably it is good that it is me, because of anyone, I wouldn’t get sucked into N’s drama and manipulation, etc. and on and on. This is the same sister that when I told my family I was going to ttc trashed me to my face for several hours one night telling me how wrong I was for doing this and how I should “find a man”; “loose weight”. How I would damage this child forever because I would foster all of my “issues” on my yet unborn child and therefore should seek counseling. Since Max has been born, she has actually been the biggest help of anyone in my family. Last week when I had that unexpected night in the hospital after the surgery, she went right over to my house to relieve Max’s nanny and did “morning duty” until Noemi returned while my cousin got me settled in a room. Anyway, sorry about that, got a bit sidetracked. Just wanted to point out that my sister is not inherently evil, but she can be opinionated and try to force her opinions on another no matter how wrong they are for that person. Having set the stage a bit, I wasn’t sure if it was a complement or not when J said that of anyone she knew, I wouldn’t put up with N’s shit and she couldn’t manipulate me. I so much wanted to butt in and tell her to lighten up on her daughter and give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her if she would rather live with a heroin addict who was out of control. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to, but I honored N’s wishes and only told her that N didn’t leave her roommate high and dry that she had paid him November rent. J went off all over again saying how they were in a lease that went until February and he couldn’t find anyone mid-term and so on and so forth. All I could think was, Deb “stay out of, nothing good will come of you opening your mouth, stay out of it, not your problem, you can not heal the bad blood between these two, stay out of it.”

And, so I have, but it has been hard. I have not told N to tell her mom the whole truth. I have not told J the full story. I keep telling myself ‘thou shalt not get in the middle of this”,

While having a “roommate” is a PITA and I have vowed from ever having another, I really am glad that I can help N out this way. It maybe almost 20 years now since I was her age, but I remember how hard it was and how scary at times. And, I’m glad that N will get to know Max in a whole new way and get to see him grow for a few months. I think it may be a bond that could last a life time and even if not that it will be good for them both now. N really is a good kid just trying to grow up and become a woman in a place where that isn’t so easy with parent support that is different than I hope to give Max and any future children should I ever be blessed. Sure, she has made some mistakes, but who hasn’t. I sure can’t and never would claim perfection.

I will just stay out of it and not get put in the middle of things. I think it will be difficult at times, but not impossible.

* She is only staying until January because she plans to move from Southern to Northern California at that time. She was going to move sooner, but got a DUI (or is it a DWI) over the summer and needs to finish the repercussion from that first which includes taking a class and attending AA meetings, (and maybe counseling?) all while holding down a full time job as a waitress. Mostly, she does the 6:30 am – 2:30 pm shift and is very happy those whom she is sharing a house with are up even earlier than she is. Although, I am happy to report it is not as early as it has been and Max is back to waking up in the 5 am hour these last few day. Hallelujah! Waking at 5:15 felt truly divine this morning. May this phase last awhile and not get too screwed up with the change in time next week.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Current Reading List

Last week while on vacation/doing the surgery thing, my cousin picked me up two books (the first two) out of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum Series. I read the first last week “One for the Money” and have started the second “Two for the Dough”. Entertaining, engaging, light reading. Just what I need right now. Even stayed up a bit late last night reading. Max is napping. Must spend free time reading instead of something productive like pay bill or surf the internet. Haven’t really read in ages. It feels nice.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


I have a plan. I have a plan. I have a plan.

Saw RE today under the guise of a post-op follow-up. That took 30 seconds. Rest of time spent “consulting” (read…me asking questions, him responding, us coming up with plan). It starts tonight with estrogen shots (.2 cc’s) twice a week (M and Th) until the end of November for an early December IUI cycle. Modified estrogen priming. No BCP’s, Lupron, Antigon or suppression of any kind. Will start Dex with stims.

Very pleased with plan. (not that it will work, but at least it is a plan, something else to try).

Early December IUI (TWO YEARS AGO NOW) was when I conceived Max.

Would love another December conception. Here’s to hoping December is my month. God, I hope this plan works.

Very tired. Max very fond of 4 am wake up’s recently. Refused nap entirely today.

Early night night for both of us tonight.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Nigh Nigh

What’s a momma to do when these words are whispered by your son as he pulls his blankie from his crib as you are preparing his bath and his bedtime is still at least 40 minutes off?

Max: Nigh Nigh

Me: You want to go night night? What about your bath? You don’t want to take a bath?

Max: Nigh Nigh (as he holds onto his blankie with one hand and his crib with his other)

So, I put him to bed in the clothes he had on, then realize I needed to put a fresh diaper so changed him into his PJ’s as he was sucking down his cup of milk.

Do I think it was the right thing to do? Absolutely! Did I pay this morning with an early morning 4 am wake up call? Yes!! Was the wake up call even more painful than usual because I had taken a Vicodin AND Benadryl at 3 am? Hell Yes!!!

I think I actually dozed on the couch a bit while he padded around and watched a DVD. I’m STILL dragging. Very, very tired.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Let’s Vote

Why don’t we vote on the best title for this entry? Anyone game?

A. cd2 lab results
B. Mystery Solved
C. the news just gets better and better
D. All of the Above

I finally got my cd2 labs back.

FSH = 6
E2 = 46
Inhibin B = 7

Let me do a quick rating of these numbers.

FSH = 6 = Very Good
E2 = 46 = Good/Decent
Inhibin B = 7 = HORRIBLE

Got to love Dr. N....
"Inhibin B level was 7 which is lower than we would like (Day 3 inhibin B levels should be over 40 pg/ml to suggest good ovarian reserve.). This is consistent with the response we have seeing in you".
The master of understatement.

Dr. N wants to stim me hard. Even harder than what we have in the past, which was pretty hard. I'm not sure there is value in that since the amount of stims doesn't seem to make a difference. I need to do more research. The only reference to any kind of treatment I have seen so far is prednisone and Dexamethasone. Prednisone and Dex are both corticosteroids. Interestingly enough, low Inhibin B seems to be a cause of early m/c. And, the only cycle carried to term, so far anyway, is one where I was on dex.

I wish I could find some natural way to increase Inhibin B since I have several months with which to do so.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Home Sweet Home

Surgery went well. I stayed last night in the hospital for observation because of a reaction to the anesthesia (nausea and vomiting) and low blood pressure. Notice how I didn’t say that I SLEPT last night at the hospital because the truth is, I only got brief cat naps in between 1 and 4 after being given an Ambien. I got home around 12:30 pm today and had lunch and waited until Max woke up from his nap to give him a quick cuddle. Then, Noemi fed him lunch and took him off to the park so I could have a much needed nap. The only good thing about the over night stay was that it kept me from disobeying dr.’s orders and over doing it. The biggest restriction is no lifting anything over 5 lbs for 4 – 5 days with Max now weighing in at 23 lbs. Good thing my cousin is here to help. And, my sister was great and drove over last night to relieve Noemi and did early morning duty with Max until she was relieved by Noemi. It was a huge help and a big stress reduction.

I’ve had little to moderate pain, nothing unmanageable at all. The only hard part was the vomiting from the anesthesia. I was feeling pretty bad there for awhile. The female parts looked great. There was a small cyst on my left ovary, which is cyclical and not a problem, but he drained anyway since he was there. Tubes are open. Uterus looks good. No problem taking out either the gallbladder or the appendix. However, the multi-purpose surgery was a blessing in disguise as they found two long stringy lesions holding down my intestines. I didn’t talk to the doctors (or at least I don’t remember talking to them) but my cousin said they said that it “was concerning” and I would likely have ended up in ER soon with a bowel obstruction since the intestines could have wrapped their way around them, causing me to loose part of them. My cousin got the impression that the only reason they saw the lesions was because they turned the camera to look at the female parts. Oh, and, the surgery took a bit longer because my bile duct was swollen. Even though the last scan of the area didn’t show any stones in it, they took 20 minutes or so to wait for an x-ray to be certain. Likely this was caused by the progesterone, which is why Dr. N wanted me to have the surgery in the first place.

I got this Ah ha moment, after the surgery, where things became crystal clear of why things may not have worked out the way you wanted, but the way they were meant to be. Probably being pregnant with the intestines issue would have been a very bad thing, not to mention the whole gallstone thing on top of it.

Anyway, all is well. I think I am going to go climb in bed and read a bit and hope for more sleep tonight than last, which shouldn’t be hard since my brief nap of this afternoon already beat last nights total. I do which I could relax in a nice warm bath, but that is off limits for 3 weeks. I’m glad to be home and glad to have this behind me.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Today’s The Day

Today is the big surgery. Still not even a teeny weeny worry about the procedure itself. Still just a little worried about what Dr. N will have to say about my female parts. Mostly worried that today is the first day Noemi* is going to drive Max in her car. We got the word yesterday afternoon that the extra coverage was added to her insurance. I’m sure that it is a very good thing that I will be under anesthesia at the time this is going to occur. The truth of the matter is, and I told Noemi this, that if I did not trust her she would not be driving Max period. This after I gave her a copy of my drivers license with a note that said she had permission to drive my son that includes his full name, DOB, and my numbers. I’m sure all will be fine with both the surgery and with Noemi driving Max. Still, just have a little niggling worry. And, completely hungry and thirsty, of course, since I have had nothing to eat since after midnight. Mostly, really thirsty. Sigh. And, I’m sure that after the surgery I won’t feel like eating. Hey, maybe a way to kick start some weight loss here. Okay, must finish my hair (washed, dried, and am curling it) since don’t know when I will be able or will feel like doing this and an oily itchy scalp just drives me crazy.

* I now have a copy of Noemi’s drivers license and this is how her name is spelt. I’m assuming this is the official spelling and the one I am sticking with now and forever more.

Monday, October 09, 2006

All is well

All is well on the home front, just busy. My cousin is in town with her daughter* for the week; saw both my sisters at different times this weekend; my mom was here from Saturday mid-day until today (Monday) mid-day; and my cousin and I went to a “sex party” AKA “love boutique” over the weekend. Yesterday, my cousin took Max and her daughter to a local harvest festival while I cleaned my garage and moved baby/infant toys and clothes from the spare room to the garage. Today, I cleaned my office and paid bills while Niomi watched Max and Carolyn and Terri and my mom shopped. I haven’t quite gotten everything done I wanted (like take Max to the Zoo), but I think Terri is going to take Niomi, Carolyn, and Max tomorrow while I do pre-op stuff. I feel a bit like a bad mom, because I don’t have a lot of passion on being with him on his first trip to the zoo, but do want him to go. I’ll just tell them to take lots of pictures. (smile)

Not worried at all about the surgery itself. Felt a bit panicked this morning that Dr. N was going to tell me that my female parts inside are shriveled up black crap and to give up the t42 thing as another full sibling for Max is out of the questions. I have no clue on what they should look like, but I have vivid visualizations of what could and shouldn’t look like.

I have been thinking a lot about Max and being the mom of a boy. Several times recently, I have just looked at him and felt sure that I am likely a better mom to him than I would have been to the girl I thought and was sure I was having until that 30w peri appointment. Usually, this thought comes to me as I am letting him stomp through and splash in a mud puddle or some other stereotypical “boy” behavior. I grew up with 3 sisters. Four of Max’s five first cousins are female. We were a “girl” family and I was just so sure that would continue with me. It was all I knew. I wasn’t sad or upset when I found out “she” was a “he”. In fact, I laughed in disbelief and didn’t quite believe it until Max was born. Like many people, when I thought of a sibling for Max, I thought it would be nice to have a girl. You know, the whole b/g thing. However, the more Max is in my life, the more I see the beauty of having a son and find myself hoping that if I am able to have another child that it is a brother for Max. It just feels so right and natural and fun and easy. I know how hard and moody girls can be, especially during the teen years. I was prepared for that and if I am blessed to give birth to another child, I will be ecstatic no matter the gender, but a little part of me is calling …just a whisper mind you…for another boy.

I have a friend that has b/g twins. She and her husband were so thrilled that they had one of each. The “complete” ready made family. As she lost her first daughter during PTL; her second daughter after 11 days in the NICU; and her twins were delivered via surrogacy, the thought of having one of each really thrilled both her and her husband. We were having lunch last week and talking about the difference between boys and girls. ** She was commenting on how hard it was to have twins of different genders. Her daughter knows all her alphabet, can count to 20, and knows all of her colors. Her son could care less and is more interested in how the wheels turn on the car, cause and effect, stuff like that. She is a SAHM (who is trying to finish a book on the side that was started before the birth/death of her first daughter) and just signed up to put them in preschool early next year. She had just done and “art” project with them and was lamenting how hard it was because they are so different and trying to fill the needs of both of them because of the differences.

On the other hand, I have another friend who had b/b twins a few weeks before Max. She already had a boy and always wanted a daughter. She ended up with 3 sons. Recently, we were talking about how much easier it is to have all boys and how it will continue to get easier as they grow -- easier and less costly to dress, similar interests, etc. And, a part of her is still sad that she won’t have the mini-me girl of which she always dreamed.

Anyway, like I said, I’ll be thrilled if I am able to have another child. Period. While I thought I was having a girl for my first, I was really fine with either. Now, I look at Max and a part of me, a secret part deep inside, kind of hopes that I can give Max a brother.

When I haven’t been pondering that, I have been worrying a bit about how at even such a young age Max is influenced by his peers and other children. A recent example of this is when he came up last week and “practiced” balancing on one foot. Of course, it took me two days what he was trying to do. But, when I asked Niomi whether kids at the park were doing that, she laughed and said yes. Funny kid my Max. At 14 months, he will practice, practice, practice until he moves on to practice something else be it opening and closing the door; climbing up stairs or on/off a cart; or how to balance on one foot.

I’ve also been worrying a bit about Niomi taking Max in her car. It is time for both of them. I’m not worried about her kidnapping Max, or getting into an accident (even though I insisted her car insurance be increased), or anything like that. She is very, very careful with him. I guess it is just another step towards independence. We got the car seat installed in her car today and are just waiting on confirmation that the insurance changes. She so wanted to go today.

I’ve also been pondering life’s mysteries. Like how my car didn’t start about a month ago after leaving the hatch up for maybe 20 – 30 minutes while loading up to take my mom to the airport (used her car to jump mine and have been keeping the cables in the car just in case); but how it started up just fine last week after I left the hatch up, apparently for almost 24 hours (must have left it up after our walk one day and didn’t realize it until we went to go again the next day) last week in a state of haze when Max got me up in the 4 am hour all week. And, how it has been starting, but turning over slow and how the clocks have reset themselves twice now. And, how I should probably take it into the shop, but I don’t really have the time or the money for a huge repair fee right now. And, how much risk am I assuming by not addressing this issue.

So, life is mostly good. Busy in a good way. I have some worries and some concerns and life isn’t perfect, but all and all. It’s good.

Maybe I should be more worried about the surgery. But, I’m not. I hope I heal fast and can enjoy the rest of my week off. I’ve heard mixed bags on recovery from similar surgeries. I hate being laid up and am hoping I’m up and about quickly. Hey, it is outpatient surgery, right? How bad can it be?

Lastly, I guess I hope I don’t regret not getting my trust/living will together. Maybe it would have been better if I was a tad worried about this because the reality is that any time you are put under anesthesia and have surgery, there is a chance for complications. I’m prepared for minor ones (hence, how happy I am that my cousin is here for the week, just in case), but not major ones like death. I guess I wouldn’t live to regret it since I would be dead, but I really need to get “my house” in order and get things set up. I need to make it more of a priority.

Anyway, it’s late. I’m tired. Tomorrow will be another busy day.

* Max thinks she is the best toy in town and she is having fun with him as well. She's 8 and had a lot of change these last few months (moving from MI to AZ with her mom and dad, but older sibs staying in MI). A win-win.

** She “sees” clearly that I am able to have a second child and that it is a girl. Wish I had the hope and faith that I will be able to have a second.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Recent Pic's


And, I told myself I wasn't going to be on the computer all night after working every night the last week or so. Sigh. But, he is a cutie and I just couldn't resist. I had forgotten about so many of the pictures until I unloaded the camera tonight. I just love my little guy so much.

Bitter Sweet

Max is getting so big and growing up so fast. I haven’t put him on the scale recently, but I swear he has gained at least 5 pounds almost overnight. He is solid and getting heavy. Niomi and I both noticed it at the same time so it’s not just me.

One of the many gifts Niomi got Max for his birthday was a “potty”. I, of course, thought she was out of her mind; that Max was way too young; and figured it would just sit around collecting dust. But, I kept my thoughts to myself and under the rationale that it couldn’t harm, put it in the bathroom, and decided to go with the flow. I think Niomi could tell I was a bit reluctant, in spite of my best efforts to pretend otherwise, and asked I wanted to put it away while assuring me that it was better for them to get used to it now because if you waited until the child was 2 or 3 they were afraid of it and it was harder. I assured her, no, let’s leave it there and see how it goes. Well, I have to say, that Niomi was right on this. Max has been pee’ing in it pretty regularly before and after bath. He “gets” it and is so proud. Now, he is also pee’ing in the tub and on his carpet and anyplace else he can while his diaper is off. These are not accidents. He knows what he is doing. He is like a dog marking his territory. He is so pleased with himself. I’m giving him lots of praise for going in the toilet and either ignore or give a silent groan (can’t help it) when he goes else where. I think this approach is helping a little. This morning, I could tell he was about to have a poo so I took the seat to the “little” potty and put it on the “big” potty. Within 1 minute, he had poo’d and was so thrilled and pleased with himself. Of course, I took him off to soon and he pee’d on the bathroom floor just after that. (smile) Tonight, before bath I asked him if he wanted to pee on the big potty or the little one. Right away, he pointed to the big one. Put him on it with the converter seat and within seconds, he had pee’d. Now, he is not potty “trained” by any means, but I think it will happen sooner rather than latter since he really does seem to understand. I have not pushed or prompted him in any way. He showed interest in it and I just helped get him undressed when he seem to indicated that was what he wanted. Only once has he not gone within a minute of sitting on the toilet and wanted to get off (which of course I let him do). Left to my own devises, I would not have even thought of exposing him to this until after he was two.

And, today, we finally switched him off the bottle. Last weekend, I finally found a transition cup that would work based on his skill level without making a huge mess. I probably have at least 10 different types of various sippy or child type cups I have bought and tried over the last 6 months or so, but they have all been more trouble than they were worth for us. The Nuby is the one that has finally worked. He has been taking water out of it since the day I got it. Today, Niomi gave his milk in it before his nap and I did the same tonight before bed AND no fuss, no muss, no problem. It was the non issue I hoped it would be. And, yes, it is very similar to a bottle, but ….hey, it is “technically” a cup so I’m counting it. Too bad I only got two.

Here is a picture of Max tonight before bed. We were practicing sticking out our tongues while reading Do’s and Don’t by Todd Parr.

I’m so happy that Max is growing and developing and advancing at almost an alarming rate. We have so much fun together. Yes, he can whine and throw a fit or scream in this loud piercing voice that can grate on your last nerve and give you a headache when he can’t have his way immediately at times. He is a kid and an explorer and adventurer who may not be talking, but can usually communicate loud and clear his wishes, desires, and preferences. LOL. I love where he is at and watching him move from a baby into a little boy. It really is quite amazing. And, it is bitter sweet and I miss the cuddly little baby he was. It makes me so long for another.

Now that I am in “wait” mode, I’m just cruising along and work has been crazy busy. This is why I haven’t been around. I’ve been taking a break to spend the evening with Max and working for several more hours after he is down. Then, I’m too keyed up to sleep and have been going to bed late and dragging and cringing in the morning when it is time to get up. Next week, I’m out all week and my cousin will be here to visit, but I have the pre-op on Tuesday and the surgery on Wednesday so I don’t think I will be able to get done as much as I would like.

Max is just growing up so gosh darn fast.