Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Last 40+ Hours

How have they been spent you ask? Good question! Thanks for asking! The answer would be on my 3rd Labor and Delivery visit which included an overnight stay, constant monitoring for contractions, and two ultrasounds. I’m home now and I think all is fine. Since I didn’t actually get to talk to my dr. before I was released, I have more questions then answers at this point. All in good time I guess.

After my trip, I was really tired. I worked Friday (sort of). I took two naps on Saturday. One nap on Sunday. And, was planning on another nap on Monday, when it occurred to me that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt the baby move. It had been awhile. At least 24 hours. I figured that the baby was probably just laying low since I wasn’t feeling that great because of the cold I caught, but worried enough that I did check for the baby's heart rate on the fetal heart monitor that I never sent back. It was in good range, but I mentioned it to my friend, who is a dr. and who is my voice of conscience. I told her all was probably fine. She countered with if I wasn’t worried I wouldn’t have brought it up and I shouldn't be worried at all so I should call. Mostly to appease my friend and to ease any quilt I would feel if anything really was wrong, I called. I explained the situation and the on-call dr. said to come in for monitoring. Great. Okay. No problem. Been there. Done that. No big deal.

I go in and get hooked up and monitored for an hour. And, I had two contractions during that time and both times, the baby’s heart rate dropped below 120. The on-call dr. sent me down to u/s to check the baby and amniotic fluid. The amniotic fluid was “low”. She said it should be at least 10 or 11 and mine was 8. I am given the surprising news that I will be admitted overnight for more observation, an IV, and another u/s the next day to recheck the fluid. To say I was unprepared is an understatement. There are several lessons in this whole situation, but I will save them for another day because I only got somewhere between 30 and 90 min. of sleep all night and I am so tired I can barely see straight.

I get admitted and from then on, everything looks good. No more contractions. No more dips in the baby’s heart level, and the second u/s showed amniotic fluid over 10 with good blood flow. I was released today at 4 pm with instructions to drink plenty of fluids and to keep my Friday appointment.

What caused the low fluid, contractions, and heart dip? I still have questions about that myself, but I think that the on-call dr. (the one who admitted me) would say that my placenta isn’t functioning the way it should and that a cold, travel, and dehydration would not cause that to occur. She was all for having the perinatoligist who did my L2 u/s come by and do a compare. Dr. P, my dr., seemed much less concerned and I doubt I would have been admitted if she had been making the decision. She said an “8” was borderline, not low, and that I would just be monitored more closely.

It’s funny. My friend C, the dr., stopped by after her shift and was there when both dr’s stopped by this morning. We agreed that it is a matter of style between the dr’s, but she thinks the on-call dr. would be better for me because she would set more rigid limits. For example, my friend C thinks that I should not still be hiking the dogs in the hills. I asked Dr. P about it and she said it was fine and even healthy. C asked the on-call dr. this morning and she said “absolutely not”. To a certain extent, she has a point. If she hadn’t pressured me, I would never have called in. I just would have waited until Friday to talk to Dr. P. It turns out, there really was a problem that I would have just brushed off thinking everything was fine in a false sense of security. Now, maybe everything would have resolved itself or maybe not. Hard to say.

The bottom line is …. Best case scenario, I was just dehydrated which caused the contractions and lower fluid level causing the umbilical cord to be squished during the contraction causing the baby’s heart rate to drop. Worse case scenario, my placenta isn’t functioning the way it should and the hospital bed rest and IV resolved it for now, but I will be having future problems. I guess time will tell.

I do know that I will be much more cautious and careful. I want to avoid an extended hospital stay if I can help it. One day was bad enough. And, if I HAVE to go to bed rest, I really want it to be at home, not in the hospital. I would miss my doggies way to much. I would do it, if I had to of course, for the well being of the baby and myself. But, I sure wouldn’t like it. I’m not much of a complainer, but I sure wanted to be during this hospital stay.

So, there you have it. The last 40+ hours of my life and the most eventful (it goes without saying, not in a good way) hours of my pregnancy.

Having told the story I am off to give my dogs their treats, take a warm bath, take some Tylenol PM to dry my up and limit my coughing and I am off to bed. Nightie Night!

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Major Pregnancy Milestone Achieved and What’s Really On My Mind

I achieved, at least in my own mind, a major pregnancy milestone this morning. A complete stranger asked me when I was due and how the pregnancy was going. I was out hiking with the dogs and a couple with a dog was going out as I was heading in. We stopped to complain about the shape of the trails (completely overgrown and not maintained) when we now have to PAY to park for these trails. Less people are doing the trails because of the paid parking situation which means that they are even more overgrown. And, those who used to volunteer their time and help with trail maintenance are no longer doing it. It is a bad circle. Anyway, getting back on topic, during the course of the conversation, the woman asked when I was due and how it was going. Yeah! I must be starting to actually look pregnant and not just fat if a complete stranger is willing to broach the subject. Hip Hip Horray!!

Now, for what is really weighing on my mind today…

1) I don’t know what to eat. Now that I am back from my trip and read the OB Text book on the Gestational Diabetes and realized how serious this is, I am at a complete loss. I mean, I know I should eliminate sweets and significantly reduce the number of carbs, but…What do I eat at 6 am when I am heading out to hike? What do I eat for lunch, dinner, and snacks? The thought of protein (steak, chicken, etc.) is just not very appetizing still. Tuna is good for once or twice a month. HMMM fresh crab sounds tasty, but not financially practical as a regular meal idea. I settled for Sushi for dinner, a can of peaches completely rinsed for my early morning snack, and celery and peanut butter for breakfast. Not perfect, but the best I could come up with for now. What do I eat for the rest of the day/week? I need meal ideas. I was planning on stopping to get groceries on the way home from hiking, but realized that I don’t know what to buy AND the dogs and I were dripping wet from the hike because it was misting/drizzling this morning and with everything overgrown we got extra wet from the plants/weeds we waded through. I guess I better figure it out soon. I can’t starve the kid (not a good practical alternative). I can just see me going in on Friday for my next OB appointment having actually lost weight. Not a good thing at this stage.

2) I have developed a cough. Other than being tired, I don’t feel bad, per se. Just a scratch in my throat with a cough and a bit of a runny nose. And, maybe a bit of pressure in my upper chest. Okay, I’m convinced! Another day of doing nothing and lying around is in order. I should have known when I had two naps yesterday and almost slept through the night (except for between 3 and 4 am).

3) It became painfully clear, during my work trip to Dallas, that within the near future I am going to have to make some hard choices about my job. I think I will still have opportunity within the company, but I’m going to have to move to do so. Texas or Michigan are the likely choices with Michigan probably the best choice because a) they are going to build a strong center of expertise around Program and Project Management, which is my focus b) I have Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that live in Michigan so I would have better support. It is going to be a hard choice. I REALLY like where I live. I like my house. I have spent 10 years getting my backyard the way I like it. I, FINALLY, after 10 years, feel like I have some great friends and a good support system. It will be hard to leave that. Really hard. On the other hand, staying means that I will likely have to begin commuting again, which will take away some of the current quality of life that I enjoy, and starting over in a new company. Michigan would be cheaper and you could argue that it is a better place to raise kids. Moving would not only mean moving me and my household (kid or kids and dogs included), but probably also my mom. I think if I go, she will want to go also so she can be around her grandkids as they grow, plus both her sister and her brother and my cousins all live in Michican. The thing about Michigan is that the weather sucks! I started my career 16 years ago in Michigan and didn’t like it and wanted to come back to California. I have made 4 moves so far with this company in my first 6 years and have been here for 10 now. I don’t need to decide now. I have time to think about it, but it is a decision I will need to make in the next year; two on the outside. But, I don’t think I can/should even mention it to my family just yet. My cousin will try to talk me into moving now. My mom will just worry. What’s a girl to do? At least, I have control over my decisions. I rode back to the airport with 2 of my colleagues (both female). One is sure that her husband, who works for the same company, will be out of work by the end of the year. He could re-skill, but doesn’t want to. The other is divorced and a single mom of a 4 year old. Her ex sounds like a real looser. He doesn’t work and has tried to sue for alimony and custody. She can’t move without going back to court to revise the visitation rights, which she is afraid, will re-open the whole can of worms. I’m not the only one being affected by any stretch of the imagination and I can see/understand why the company is making the changes that it is, but it is going to be a really difficult year or two as we try to get to the end state. Before we get there, I will need to have made some hard personal decisions.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Not one, but two

I needed today. I didn’t really do much. Got up and decided to take the dogs to the beach. Came home, made breakfast, puttered around. Decided to lie down and take a nap. Woke up an hour or so later when the phone rang. Read a book (which I just finished). Got in the pool for awhile, well sort of, I really just floated on top of the water in my deluxe floaty while reading. Went inside to pee and eat a late lunch. Started to read the chapter on Diabetes in my OB book, but didn’t really understand the details except for increased chance of motility and still birth and that not feeling the baby move very often was a VERY bad thing and that weekly fetal stress tests and additional monitoring is the standard protocol. Got a bit freaked out so I switched back to the fluff book. Fell asleep again and woke up when the phone rang again a bit disoriented. Walked the dogs. Got on the computer quickly once or twice during the day. Decided to go get Sushi take out for dinner, only California rolls with are okay when pregnant since the crab is cooked. Got back on the couch and finished my fluff book.

I can’t remember ever taking two naps in one day.

All in all, it was a very good day. The only downer is my guilt that I haven’t invited my mom to come stay the weekend, which I know that she would love to do. Normally, she would have invited herself because she likes to come. It is like a mini-vacation for her. I guess she realized that I just need a break. Maybe I will invite her over tomorrow or Monday depending on how I am feeling. All I know is that I would have never taken one, let alone two naps if she was here. And, I was feeling so tired I needed it.

I think I will try to tackle/make sense of that Diabetes chapter tomorrow when I am less tired and more able to focus/concentrate. I knew gestational diabetes wasn’t a good thing, but didn’t realize it was quite so serious.

Friday, May 27, 2005

My travel week

I was hoping to make it my entire pregnancy without having to travel, but no such luck. My boss (who is in Texas) is having a face to face staff meeting for all of her direct reports. Since the re-organization a few months ago, many of those people are new and people I have never met. While it is a pain, it will be good. My old boss is back reporting to my new boss so I will get to see him again. I will get to meet the woman I talked into “sharing” my job with (that 2 – 3 person job that I said no thanks to). And, I will get to meet a lot of other new people as well. So, the dog walker is lined up and all the instructions are written out and I am off. I don’t have my work computer set up to post to my blog so this will be a journal type entry with one big post and the end. Of course, if I would have set up my blog eons ago like Katrina told me how to do after I asked, I could email entries up, but….alas….it is another thing not done.
I have done my homework and am prepared, as is my nature. I have found 2 local hospitals that have L3 NICU’s, just in case something goes awry on the trip. But, I am sure all will go fine.

Monday was a busy day as I tried to get everything done that needed to before I left. I did manage to make time to call Dr. P’s office to find out if my 1 hour glucose tests were in. I was told that they were sitting on Dr. P’s desk and she would call me, probably Tuesday or Thursday (she doesn’t work in the office on Wednesdays) to discuss. I told the nurse that I was hoping to get the results today since I was gong to be out of town for the rest of the week. Then, went on to mention that I felt so awful after the test that I knew that they weren’t great. She paused and said, well…if you don’t mind me giving you the results…And, I piped in with…no, I would appreciate it. She said, it did come back high and I would be given a lab slip to do the 3 hour test. I thanked her and told her that I figured that would be true. I asked her details about the 3 hour test and asked if I could just skip it. She explained that the 3 hour test is a fasting one and they take a “baseline” blood draw before you drink a different, but similar drink to the 1 hour test. They take blood draws after 1, 2, and 3 hours. She said that some people start to process the insulin at the 2 or 3 hour mark when there body isn’t able to at the 1 hour mark. You need to have “normal” readings on 2 of the 3 blood draws to pass. Otherwise, you are considered to have Gestational Diabetes. We agreed that since I didn’t start feeling better until 8 or 9 hours after the 1 hour test, I likely wouldn’t do so well on this test. She put a note on my chart to have Dr. P call me back on Friday so I can get the official results and ask my questions, such as how much does this increase my chance/risk of needing a planned c-section and/or a large baby and can diet and exercise control that or not. My exercise level is already good with walking the dogs and I had always planned to add a bit of swimming in to the routine once the weather got warmer and the pool heated up. We will see.

I am usually a fairly calm, easy going individual. Very rarely do I get upset or worked up. I had a major blow up this morning before I left for my trip. I got a call from my vets office saying they needed to cancel Lucky’s Friday morning chemo treatment because there would not be a dr. available, but they could reschedule me for earlier in the week. I told the lady that I was very upset by this and could NOT do an appointment earlier in the week because I was out of town. I went on to explain that I SPECIFICALLY asked about this a month ago and had this appointment set 3 weeks ago since they only do chemo treatments on Friday morning and they were hard to get. If they were not going to be able to accommodate this, I was going to shift Lucky’s treatment by 1 day each week so that she didn’t have to be delayed by almost a full week because of my trip. I was told that it would be “no problem”. She just repeated that she was sorry, but that a dr. would not be available, but she could give me a Thursday appointment. At this point, I was yelling and crying and told her that a THURSDAY appointment would not work because I would not be in town. The bottom line is that her next appointment is next Tuesday, a whole week away, 5 days after when she originally should have her treatment and there is not a damn thing I can do about it, but complain….which I will do again when I go in on Tuesday. The way I figure it is the dr. just realized that it was a holiday weekend and wanted to make it a 4 day at the last minute which is not the “emergency” that the receptionist mentioned. I know this is not the end of the world and that it probably will not make a major difference in her treatment, but I am still so upset and pissed about it I am getting all worked up and teary eyed all over again on the plane. Okay, I need to think calm, peaceful thought.

On another note and switching topics before I start balling on the airplane, I am feeling less panicked and worried about the upcoming L&D event (93 days left, but whose counting). I am almost finished with Ina May’s book. The second half was much more…more…I don’t know the word…soothing or informative don’t really express it. Let’s just say that, I am feeling calmer and better about the pending event. I especially liked the Chapter on Sphincter Law. I can’t do the chapter justice so, if interested, you will just have to read it, but…here are “The Basics of Sphincter Law”.

1) Excretory, cervical, and vaginal sphincters function best in an atmosphere of intimacy and privacy.
2) These sphincters cannot be opened at will and do not respond well to commands (such as “Push!” or “Relax!”).
3) When a person’s sphincter is I the process of opening, it may suddenly close down if that person becomes upset, frightened, humiliated, or self-conscious.
4) The state of relaxation of the mouth and jaw is directly correlated to the ability of the cervix, the vagina, and the anus to open to full capacity.

It amuses me to no end to realize that I have actually been preparing for this labor event from the beginning of my pregnancy without even knowing it. How so you ask? My dirty little secret is that I have been urinating all over hiking trails in the Santa Monica Mountains since the beginning or my pregnancy. Yep, I just drop my drawers when the pressure gets too much, which is at least once if not twice, each morning. I have never been the pee in public type of person (haven’t ever pee’d in a bed pan for example due to stage fright). I haven’t been “caught” by another hiker yet and often have to hold my dogs away while pee’ing so they don’t put their head in the urine stream (usually, this is just Lucky because Shadow is taking advantage of the opportunity to rest) while also trying to “relax” enough to “go” before another hiker comes up. Some trails are busier than others so the risk of this happening is a bit greater. I was rationalizing this by feeling good that I wasn’t de-hydrating myself. Now, I can add that I am only preparing my sphincter’s to relax in more stressful and public situations. Who knew?

I’m tired and swollen!! But, all is well and I am glad I went. It was a jammed few days with no time to self. As suspected, the research, directions, and planning to local hospitals and L3 NICU’s was not needed and all was fine. I knew I was in trouble when I noticed the schedule showed NO (as in zero/zilch) breaks or lunch on the 2 day schedule. However, everyone was very accommodating to the pregnant lady! My biggest bonehead move of the trip was scheduling an 8 am meeting with my local team members when I saw the 8 – 9 am block empty. I should have realized since breakfast was listed from 7:30 – 8 am that my boss was going to use this time to kick off the session. LOL. She was very accommodating and started the meeting 30 min. late, just for me. Then, I was late getting back because I got turned around. I could have sworn I took the same elevator bank down as I did up, but it took me a few minutes to turn myself back around. I am very happy that I will be home soon and can’t wait to see my doggies.

I’m back and still tired after a good, full night sleep and happy to be home. Dogs are walked, I am showered, and sitting at desk ready to work and it is still only 8:20 am. Okay, so, I am sitting at desk, but not so motivated to work. I feel like a nap already. The dogs found a new trail today and being the easy going adventurous dog owner I am, I let them. I am amazed that with hiking as many years as I have been we can still find new places to go. I think this one may be a good late pregnancy one because it looked relatively flat and shaded. I guess I should go check voicemail now since I didn't check it once while I was gone.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

What have I gotten myself into?

I have come to an interesting realization over the last week. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am almost in the 3rd trimester. The realization is ... I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY…followed by….AND, I AM COMPLETELY UNPREPARED.

I have researched the ttc process obsessively. I have done my fair share of reading about pregnancy and what to expect, week by week, month by month. I have never had any serious fear or concerns about raising a child. In my heart of hearts, I just KNOW I will be a good mom. However, over the last week or so, I have come to realize that I know little to nothing about the whole labor and delivery process. I have never seen a birth. Obviously, I have never given birth. I have never asked too many questions or really heard any birthing stories. In fact, for some reason, I never gave it too much thought one way or another until recently.

One of the doula’s I talked to and the one I think I will go with recommended two books. I have spent last night and this morning reading one of them “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth”. I am halfway through the book and just finished reading the birthing stories that comprise the first half of the book.

OMG, WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO? I can’t believe that I didn’t research this out long before now. On the other hand, this is probably a good thing, because I am not sure I would have gone through with it had I had more knowledge or details (and I am only half kidding with that remark).

This whole situation reminds me of managing this Year 2000 project for one of our clients. I remember clearly in October 1998 being so stressed out and not sleeping well (because the stakes of not getting the project done on time or with high quality was extremely high) as I got the project started up and through the planning phase. I thought at the time, I better get a grip because this was a long, long project and I couldn’t go on like this for the entire project. Once things settled in and we had a solid plan that we were executing against, I settled down and things went off without a hitch.

I don’t have 2+ years to get used to this baby thing. In fact, according to Fertility Friends, I only have 95 days of pregnancy left (assuming of course that I deliver ON my due date). But, I do have 95 days to get more educated and get a birthing plan in place. I do have 95 days to get used to this idea of the actual birth and labor/delivery.

Some of my thoughts and concerns are as follows:
• This book really frowns about hospital births and the medical intervention that goes with it. And, there is NO WAY I am not doing a hospital birth. Heck, I am the one that selected the hospital based on it having the highest NICU, just in case.
• My OB said that she doesn’t recommend a natural birth for a first child. She said it is extremely painful and you need to separate yourself from the pain and it is very difficult for women to do this the first time.
• In theory, I don’t have any problem with an epidural and the whole needle in the spine thing. I had one for my fibroid surgery. However, I do remember waking up and my first thought being a panicked one thinking I was paralyzed because I couldn’t feel my legs and feet before I remembered that I had the epidural. I didn’t get feeling back until the epidural was turned off. Also, an epidural can slow down the process making delivery more difficult (or was it risky or both…I need to do more research on this) in part because you can’t feel to push properly. Dr. P said she rather deal with that than having me in such intense pain that I couldn’t function or enjoy the birth at all (my words, but a good synopsis).
• This book says that it is mind over matter. The old adage…If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you can’t.
• I think I need to ask a few more questions of the doula’s I am talking to. I don’t think a “die hard” go natural or else approach will work for me. On the other hand, from everything I have read so far (if you ignore the Girl Friends Guide to Pregnancy which I am glad I didn’t actually buy and only started reading because someone gave to me) indicates that natural is better and that 95% of the time, there is no medical reason for not going natural.
• Since I have decided that I do have gestational diabetes after my bad response to the 1 hour glucose test the other day, I am worried that the baby will be too big and that combined with the fibroid surgery and other risk factors my Dr. will recommend a planned C-Section.
• If this happens, although I always thought I wouldn’t care one way or another, I think I will be sad. Also, what is the point of having a doula if you are having a planned C-Section and the front runner doula asks for either full payment at the first visit or half payment at the first visit and half at the second. Why waste the money if I won’t be able to use her skills and knowledge by having a C-Section? On the other hand, I think she would really be great so I would like to have her reserved and in my corner under the assumption that I will get to go natural.

Holy Cow, What am I going to do? What have I gotten myself into?

I am going to take some deep breaths. I am going to try to finish blowing up my deluxe floaty and hang out in the pool for awhile. I am going to continue to research this out and ask questions. I am going to use this stress now to be as prepared as I can be so that I can be nice and relaxed when the time comes so that I can enjoy my labor and delivery to the extent possible.

As the book says, “It is important to keep in mind that our bodies must work pretty well, or there wouldn’t be so many humans on the planet”. I will forget that the same sentiment also applies to the ttc arena (and we know how iffy that whole process can be even when things look text book perfect). I can do this. I am women. I am strong.

I haven’t craved or really missed not having a good glass of wine one bit since I have been pregnant and the months leading up to it. A glass of Sterling Merlot sounds really good about right now.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

One Hour Glucose Test and OB Apt. Update

I haven’t failed a test in a long, long time. And, I am almost positive I failed my one hour glucose test yesterday. The drink itself wasn’t bad. It tasted like orange Kool-Aid. About 50 minutes after I finished the drink, I started getting really shaky and started not feeling so great. I stopped afterward I left the lab for a sandwich and that helped a little. Then, I got really, really sleepy. I could barely stay awake. I also got a low grade headache that just got worse as the day went on. It wasn’t until much later in the evening after I took some Tylenol and had some Rubio’s tacos that I started feeling better. It is hard for me to believe this is a normal reaction. I was so hoping to avoid Gestational Diabetes and after my reaction to the one hour test, I really dread the 3 hour one.

Other than that, my OB appointment went fairly well. Blood pressure and weight were good. I was given the final okay to travel next week for work. The only disconcerting thing was finding out that I should be feeling the baby move 10 times and hour. I told my dr. that I didn’t think I was feeling the baby move enough because I wasn’t feeling her move that much some days and certainly wasn’t feeling her move 10 times a day (which is what I THOUGHT was the goal). It turns out I should be feeling her move 10 times an hour at this stage of my pregnancy. I told her when I REALLY get panicked I check for a heart beat with a home fetal heart monitor I rented rather than calling up and begging to go into L&D for a check. She was very grateful to this. She was kind of vague on how much of a problem this was and said it was just one of many measures and the baby’s heartbeat was good and everything seemed fine.

We also talked about how woefully unprepared for the birthing event I was. I asked if she recommended any particular birthing method because I heard they all pretty much fell apart once the going got touch. She agreed. We talked about hypno-birth and she said she had seen that method be the most successful. She said that it really is painful and you need some technique to separate yourself from it to go nature. She doesn’t recommend a completely natural birth for the first delivery. She asked how I felt about an epidural. She said that while it does have some risks and slows down the birth and makes pushing harder (since you can’t feel it) she would rather deal with that than complications due to intense pain. I told her that I had no problem with the needle in the spine thing and the risks and had had an epidural for my fibroid surgery. Just that I would rather try natural first and switch if it the pain got too bad. However, if my health or the health of the baby were in question I wanted whatever medical intervention that was needed fast. She was okay with that. The key here will be to find a Doula that subscribes to the same philosophy. I have talked to another one, who I think may be who I end up going with. And, have been playing phone tag with a third. We will see.

I am hosting another SMC Meeting today. This is a different group than the one I hosted last month. I can’t believe that I have everything so together that I have had time to kill before folks get here. Only 20 more minutes. Should be fun, but I am glad that I have nothing that I have to do tomorrow. I think I need a day to relax and maybe get caught up on bills, work, get ready for my trip next week, etc.

To close, next OB appointment is in 2 weeks because I need the Rhogham shot since I am B- and every 2 weeks thereafter. Holy Cow! I am getting close and that this really may happen.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Just about the WORST hike ever, if not THE worst

WARNING: Ticks, Field Mice, Dry Heaves, and Tears involved. Read at your own risk

6:11 am – Open eyes and realize that I am late (after being up from 3 am - ? 5:30 ? am)

6:44 am – Leave house late

7 am – Start hiking on trail we haven’t done in awhile because the rains washed out “the favorite” one of the three possible trails to take.

7:11 am – Realize the trail is completely tick infested. Get to an open area/out of that field and pick hundreds of ticks off of Lucky (who was first and got most of them), Shadow, and myself.

7:20 am – Lucky catches a field mouse and refuses to drop it. I yell at her, ignore her, dry heave. She will not drop it. At this point, only the tail is showing. I can’t look at her without dry heaving (I was running so late I didn’t eat anything before going so there was nothing in my stomach).

7:22 am - I have a choice of going back through the tick infested trail or through an overgrown one with lots of prickly weeds. Prickly weeds win. I am still ignoring Lucky.

7:27 am - Arrive back at car and try to get Lucky to trade the mouse for a treat. I alternate between turning my back on her, in which case she just gets in my face again, yelling at her, gagging, and by this time, crying. Nothing works. She will NOT drop it.

7:30 am - I load Shadow in the car and REFUSE to let Lucky in. I close the back and get in the driver side. I start car. Lucky FINALLY drops the mouse (observed through side mirror). I hope out and praise her “GOOD DROP”, “GOOD DROP”. She thinks about picking back up the mouse. I promptly lead her away and give her a treat saying “GOOD DROP” through my tears.

7:32 am - I let Lucky in the car and we leave. What is usually a nice relaxing 60 min. hike is cut short with me traumatized and driving home in tears trying not to have a complete melt down, and I am not typically a cryer.

7:45 am - I arrive home. Lucky is trying to play and make up. I am still pissed as hell at her and continue to ignore her. I brush out Shadow to ensure that I have found and removed all of the ticks. Shadow is black and has a thick under coat. This is hard. I find several. I finally call Lucky over and check her out. I find three more on her. I think I have gotten them all and an itchy all over.

8: 03 am - I take off my clothes item by item inspecting everything and my intire body. I find one crawling on my toes after I take off my socks. I can’t truly express how disgusting this is.

8:30 am – I am feeling calmer and am ready for work. I still don’t like my dog very much.

5:30 pm – After working all day and setting up the polls for tomorrow (City of LA Mayoral Election). I am feeling more kindly toward my dog again and not quite as emotional. I have kept my eyes open for more wayward ticks and haven't spotted any. Thank goodness!

How’s that for a Monday? I sure hope my week gets better cause it is jam packed with work meetings and appointments and other stuff. It sure did start out sucky! I am used to ticks, but not in that number at one time. Lucky caught a field mouse one other time, but promptly dropped it when I told her too. After years of training, I KNOW that she just gets more stubborn the angrier I get with her. This is a proven fact. I should not have freaked out. I just could not put on the happy face and pretend that I was okay that she had a mouse in her mouth. I couldn’t. I can’t even think about it without wanting to vomit. I have had scary hikes that involve packs of coyotes and, once, a mountain lion. These seem better somehow than today’s hike. I don’t usually get so upset or freaked out, but I just wigged this morning. Probably, if I wasn’t pregnant, I could have better dealt with the situation.

On a pregnancy note, I am feeling a bit crampy. Not like the vice grip ones that had me calling the on-call dr., but sore enough for me to notice.

Off to walk dogs, take out trash (which I really hate!), and make dinner for tomorrow night for the poll workers. It must be all prepared to bake tomorrow so I can cook it after lunch and before I need to leave for my Dr. Dan appointment.

I still did not call a painter and get something scheduled. I did find out that both hospitals in Dallas/Plano (where I will be for my work trip next week) that came up as 1 and 2 choice for Preterm Infant – Major Complications are Level 3 NICU’s. I have good personal referrals for both from my boss and her administrative assistant. So, just in case something bad happens while there. I have a plan and a back up plan.

I keep thinking that things will slow down soon. It isn’t happening. I guess that is life.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Thoughts for a Sunday

My sister is irritating as hell. When she moved from a house to a townhouse/condo a year or so ago, she “gave” me a bunch of things that she wouldn’t have use for. Most of these things, I didn’t want, but they were brought over for me to deal with anyway. One of the things that I did want was her mini rotor-tiller machine. This is the one I haven’t used this year in preparation for planting my tomatoes because I can see a big frown on my OB’s face when I even think about it. She just called a few minutes ago and is sending her husband over for it, like I had borrowed it and never returned it. It just pissed me off. I told her, I am working and not dressed. She said, oh, he can just go into the garage and get it. Doesn’t she know that I have naked swimming/sunbathing planned for this afternoon that now can’t begin until he gets here and leaves? And, their “few minutes” could mean anytime from now until dark. Why do I let her get to me? I was having a perfectly nice day, now I am irritated and pissed off.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I will need to become a recluse and never leave the house in the later stages of my pregnancy because I will have to be naked due to lack of clothes that fit. I went to Target this morning for a few things and decided to look through their maternity department. I don’t know why I torture myself this way. They had ZERO shorts and only a few bathing suits. I tried on the largest size in each style. Why do I bother? They didn’t even come close to fitting…hence the need to go naked this afternoon…because it is fricking hot here this weekend and even with the a/c on, I think I need to break-in my new deluxe floaty. Okay, I am not REALLY going to sunbath naked today, I usually reserve that for late evening when it is dark. Plus, don’t you know it is too easy to burn some of those private parts when you go sans clothes in the middle of the day? I am going to wear this really thin cotton baby nighty that is almost as good as nothing when it is wet. It is only good to protect modesty in your own mind and not something to do if anyone could possibly see you. Plus, it dries fast.

I have decided over the years that I should never, ever go make major purchases on my own. I have this problem. I don’t get, exactly, the top of the line…but, pretty darn close. This is why I spent close to $1K on a new washing machine yesterday which will be delivered on Monday. Hey, it is energy efficient and reduced water. I will get a rebate from the Department of Water and Power (DWP), the gas company, and on delivery. This will make it only $200 more expensive than the other model I was considering. It has all of the soap dispensers that I wanted and all of the pre-soak and rinse features/options I wanted. Plus, it will save me in the long. Right? I probably would have been happy with the $500 model. I could have lived with it. But, now I have a better one. Of course, if I hadn’t bought the top of the line model 10 years ago, I would have been able to upgrade to a lesser model. See, this is a viscous cycle.

Of course, the new washer needs a special “HE” (high efficiency) detergent that I was told that all “major” detergent makers offer. As I found out at Target, this is true, BUT none in the “free” of inks, dies, and perfume category that I buy. I must now call all of these manufactures and request that they begin doing so to meet me and my new needs. Sigh. I will do this right after I line up a painter and request all of my rebates.

After I went to Target, I stopped and got a few groceries. Tuesday is a local election here and I have started a tradition of making dinner for the poll workers. After much pondering over the menu, they are getting meatloaf, red potatoes, and sliced tomatoes/cucumbers. Instead of asking the bagger to “not make the bags too heavy” I asked if they could “keep the bags light”. Still not perfect, but an improvement. Or, maybe it was just a better bagger to start with.

I don’t think my tingling wrists and hands in the middle of the night are carpal tunnel. I was reading in my OB text book that in a small percentage of women, this can be caused by rounded/hunched shoulders. I think this is the more logical explanation since I have been seeing a chiropractor (remember the lovely Dr. Dan?) for the last 6 or 7 years for that exact reason. I sit over the computer all day hunched over and the stress just knots up all of those shoulder and neck muscles. Pre-pregnancy I was lifting weights a few times a week to strengthen the muscles and help keep everything in alignment. I have always been bad about doing my associated stretches if I am not in the gym. But, after reading this, I have been doing at least some of the stretching at home and it has made a difference. Interesting, that I couldn’t find anything on the internet to support collaborate the OB Text book, but it does make sense and doing the stretching that I should have been doing all along seems to be working.

For the first time in a long, long, time I didn’t feel like getting up and hiking the dogs this morning. I spent a few minutes pondering just NOT doing it. A few things got me moving. One, the dogs were up and being loud chasing squirrels around the backyard so I would not be going back to sleep anyway. Two, the longer I wait, the hotter it will be. Have I mentioned how hot it has been? Three, I really needed to get a few groceries. So, off I went. It was a nice shady trail with lots of water/streams (that Shadow just LOVED). It was still hot.

After hiking, Target, and groceries, I got things put away and put myself on one hour of bed rest. The one hour lasted two hours. It was very nice and I think I needed it. I did a bit of work work. I had two or three things that I wanted to try to do, but only got one done. Oh well, the other two will keep.

Brother in law has come and gone. At least he realizes that they gave me the tiller, because when I mentioned wanting to use it to prepare to get tomatoes in, but hadn’t he said, “I’m sure Julie would be happy to do that for you when she brings it back”. I just smiled because when I mentioned it to Julie she said, “some things just have to slide when you are pregnant.” LOL. I do love my sister. I do.

Anyway, off to eat lunch, find a trashy novel, blow up my new pool floaty and float for the rest of the afternoon. One of the nice features of my top of the line car is that it has a built in air pump to blow up your tires if they get low that can also be used on sports balls and pool floaties. See, I do use and enjoy my top of the line features. You get what you pay for (still trying to make myself not feel guilty over the washer). Anyway, really, I am off to float. I guess I better working in putting on sun screen into the schedule before I get in the pool. Ta ta.

Edited to add….as I went to make my sandwich for lunch, I realized two things. One, I bought the wrong pickles. I got the Valasic Bread and Butter “spears” instead of sandwich stackers. This is not a terrible tragedy (because they taste the same/I will still eat them), just a pain because I had to slice them to fit on the sandwich. It is a bit too much pickle for the sandwich, but not bad. And, after all pickle IS a vegetable and I struggle getting enough veggies in these days. Two, I think for the first time ever I had pickles and ice cream on my shopping list. How funny is that? I mean, I am not eating them together or anything, but I have wanted both separately quite a bit lately. Too funny!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

All is fine!

All is fine! I guess the lack of sleep was really affecting my judgment even if I didn’t feel tired. It is amazing what a good night sleep can do. After I posted, I went and lay down. Little Audrey was kind enough to give me a few reassuring kicks and I was able to fall asleep much quicker than I thought. I woke up at 4 with tingly fingers/wrist (first sign of carpal tunnel, which can be caused by Diabetes or other metabolic disorders – GREAT!). Audrey was kicking and moving away (good girl!). I quickly fell back to sleep after a potty break, of course, and slept until 5:30 or 6 am which is my normal wake up time. Little Audrey again was quite active (I guess that lecture from last night really sunk in, LOL).

I have begun to really dislike Wednesday’s. I start meetings at 9 am and go straight through to back to back meetings until 3 pm. Ugh! I had to ask for a few “3 minute” breaks for some of the longer ones cause this preggo bladder just can’t go that long these days. You think I am kidding, really, I did. What I need to do is get a cordless phone, but I haven’t found one that has all of my requirements (2 lines, head set compatible, with a mute button). You wouldn’t think that would be too hard to find, but believe me…I have looked. I have actually written to a few manufactures asking them to start making a phone with them. I just heard that Panasonic has a new model out that meets all of my requirements. Hmm. They must have actually read and listened to my letter (ha ha).

Dinner with mom was fine even if my sister did join us. She really was on her best behavior and didn’t make one mean or snotty comment.

I have the nicest neighbors. I think I may have mentioned that my washer is leaking. It turned into a minor flood today. Thank goodness I have tile floors. Normally, I would just pull out the washer and investigate myself, but I figure that my OB would frown upon this and I would feel really bad if I ended up in L&D again…so…I broke down and asked for help. It wasn’t that bad. They were happy to help and the problem is a cheap/easy fix. It had rust/old galvanized steel in the hose that didn’t get flushed out when my pipes were changed earlier in the year. Bill recommended replacing the hoses since they “are soft”. If I pick them up tomorrow, he will come back tomorrow night and install them for me. Isn’t that the sweetest thing?

BTW, although my tile and wood floors are really nice, it looks like I may be able to hold off on pulling up my carpet for now. The incontinence supplements for Shadow are doing the trick and the Nature’s Miracle seems to have worked after all now that everything has completely dried. Very nice.

Okay, I was on the computer much longer than planned and this isn’t a quick post after all. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am so over last night’s drama and back on track with my “everything is going to be fine” attitude. I even told someone else at work today that I was pregnant. I’m making progress. Last night was just a short relapse.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Not Tired! Sh!t Worried/Neurotic Rant

I am not really all that tired. And, I only got 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night. I have been feeling a little too good these last few days. And, Audrey hasn’t been moving that much. Even after a bath. Thank God that I never sent back that fetal heart monitor. It took me a minute, but I am fairly sure I heard her heartbeat. I want to call up and asked to go in and get monitored. I haven’t been feeling pregnant. I’m worried. Really worried. And, trying not to get myself panicked and all upset over nothing. It is so remote a possibility that she would just die in womb without me having any outward signs that I should even consider it, right? I was taking a nice warm bath to help me relax and something that is almost sure to get Audrey moving, but it didn’t really do either. I am feeling a little sick, like menstrual cramping. It is very light and not very noticeable. I think it is probably psychosomatic. I am sure that it is just that I am out of sorts and everything is fine, but if this kid doesn’t start moving around a bit more over the next day or two I think I will have to call Dr. P and beg for an appointment this week.

I have been a bit teary eyed and extra emotional over the last few days. My friend C found out that her pregnancy wasn’t viable and she has stopped all meds. I am so sad for her. She called last night to talk and I think talking may have helped me more than it did her. I don’t know. My friend N is struggling with what to do next and is afraid she is just wasting her time and money on the ttc emotional roller coaster. I called her last night to distract her and give her a sounding board and I think all it did was upset her. My friend T is just coming off of a failed donor egg cycle with 2 perfect blasts that didn’t take. She is upset and angry and trying to decide what to do next and why it didn’t work. All of their pain is my pain. The process is just so hard. It just SUCKS!!!!!! I remember the pain and the fear all too well. I just want to make it to the next level like they want to make it to the next level. We all just want a baby. How f-ing hard should that be?

I feel like just going and crying myself to sleep for all of us. Those of us who have found the ttc journey to be a lot harder than they ever imagined to be. Those of us who just want a baby. Why is it so hard? Why?

The only good thing that seems to have happened lately is that Lucky’s heart is just fine as confirmed by a very expensive u/s (but, not more expensive than a 1st Tri Pregnancy u/s at my RE’s office). I was happy to pay the money for the assurance that she will not die of a heart attack one day soon while out hiking.

Thinking about it as I type this up, it isn’t as if I have NO symptoms. I have been waking up the last few nights with tingling in my hands and wrists. I think I am getting carpal tunnel, but haven’t had time to research it. I still have to pee every 2 minutes practically. The biggest thing is that I haven’t been that tired or sleeping well (like my pre-pregnancy days) and that really, really worries me. I hope it is just that second trimester burst of energy I have heard mention (and have discounted as an old wives tale) and not something bad. The other problem with not being so tired and awake more is that I have more hours in the day. Maybe someone less neurotic would use that time for good things, like making sure that they are actually prepared for the baby’s arrival. Should she actually get here.

I have actually taken some important steps. I called my dog walker and have him scheduled for later in the month when I have to be out of town. I also told him I was pregnant and asked if he was going to be around and could he be on call. He is and he has two people available to back him up, just in case. I really like this guy. I rarely see him because I am never here when he comes, but the dogs really like him. I know this because he came after my polyp removal and a few other times when I needed him, but was in town. I also called my acupuncturist and set up an appointment for Saturday and she is going to prepare a new list of doula referrals for me. It will be good for me to get in to see her. I still need to call a few painters and get estimates.

Everything is probably fine here. I am sure I am worrying for nothing (oh God, I sure hope so). I have been doing so well (at least in my own somewhat warped mind) with being okay with where I am and thinking that this could have a good outcome. This is just a temporary relapse. It will be fine and I will deliver a nice healthy baby girl in August.

BTW, I am still not 100% on the name Audrey. I thought I would start using it to see how it goes. I am not considering any other names right now, but, I reserve the right to change it after she is born/on the birth certificate. Speaking of birth certificates. I have to fill out this pre-form and take it to the hospital with me when I go in to deliver. What the hell am I supposed to put in the father section? Do I leave it blank? Do I put n/a? Do I put the sperm bank name and donor number? One more thing I need to think about between now and then.

Anyway, I am feeling calmer and less emotional at the moment. I think I will go climb back in bed, pray that everything will work out for me and my ttc friends, and try to sleep...right after I give Audrey a stern lecture on the need to give her insecure and neurotic mother more reassurances that she is still alive and well in there.

Off to pee once again!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Topics 11 – 21

11) They completely freaked my out on Thursday at Lucky’s appointment. I saw “my” tech come out and talk to the receptionist. I thought, that is odd, why is he not back with Lucky. Then, they call me into an exam room. I almost had a major breakdown thinking they were going to tell me that Lucky had a bad reaction to this weeks drug and died. It was the one where they do the ECG firt. I kept repeating, this is not necessarily bad, don’t freak out, it could be okay, why are you so negative these days, don’t jump the gun. The thing is, I have been going there long enough that I “know” normal from not normal. I am the type of person that knows the schedule and rythme of an office. For example, I try to never get the 2 pm appointments any more because the techs are on lunch from 1 – 2. Anyway, my dr. wasn’t there so another dr. came in to tell me that the EKG wasn’t normal, was different (read NOT GOOD) and they want her to see a cardiologist before they give her Adriamycin again (which can affect the heart). So, we agreed on a different drug for this week and that I would try to get her in for a u/s of the heart this week to see if the drug really did damage. There is a drug that is not as affective in the same class, but I guess Adriamycin is the “premiere”. Even if her heart is okay, I am not sure I am going to authorize it again. I don’t want to kill her from heart damage trying to cure the cancer. What else would cause a change in EKG that quickly? All questions for Tuesday when I am out of the office even more at another vet appointment.
12) I managed to avoid 2 calls from my sister Julie (and a visit from my dad and his wife..but that is a blog in and of itself), 2 calls from my mom, 3 calls from my sister Cindy, and a call from my cousin this morning. Ugh, I do love my family, but sometimes, like today, I just wish they would leave me alone. I returned mom’s call because I am taking her to lunch for mom’s day today to tell her I have no idea when I will get there because I can’t get anything done between calls from every family member (times 2 or 3) that I have. She got the point.
13) My mom’s friend sent a bunch of clothes (fat people clothes) for me. Most of them fit. Two shorts were too small (which I will return) and two pants were too big (which I will keep for later in case I need them then), but mostly everything else fit. A few more options…3 pair of shorts, 2 pair of pants, 1 sweater, and 2 tops I think. A friend was asking me why I am so resistant to shopping for maternity clothes. First, I am not that big of a shopper to begin with. Second, NONE of the maternity clothes fit me. They are all too small. I can only fit into really fat people clothes (size 26 and/or 3x) and it makes me feel really bad. If I found some halfway decent maternity clothes that fit. Even ONE piece, I might not have such a bad attitude, but shopping just makes me feel really, really fat and bad. I am getting teary eyed just thinking about it. I know there has to be plus size maternity clothes someplace, but I haven’t been able to find them…even on-line. I hate it. I really do.
14) My house is a complete mess. Thank goodness Ana (the lady that cleans my house every two weeks) comes on Tuesday.
15) My sister Julie, the one I called back and rushed off the phone, said something about stopping by on Monday. I said, please don’t. I have a busy weekend and need Monday to myself. She said, okay, I will see you on Tuesday then. Ugh! I can only avoid them for so long.
16) I now only have time to stop by and get a birthday/mother’s day present for my mom and head out before lunch. I have 2 other errands I really wanted to get done also, but…I guess THAT isn’t happeneing. Okay, I really have to go.
17) Did I mention that my washing machine is leaking? Water all over the floor. Shit, it is almost 10 years old not and I had it fixed last summer. I am probably going to need a new one.
18) I have not called one single painter yet. I must get my house painted soon. I must.
19) I can’t even find the names/numbers of the painters that have been highly referred to me, let alone call them.
20) I am really crabby right now. I hope I get over it before I get to my mom’s house. I doesn’t matter that I rather climb in bed and take a nap. It isn’t going to happen, so get over it (my mental reprimand to myself)

Edited to add 21) Did I mention that we have 6 open staffing requests for my team and only 2 resumes? That we have to lay off 6 people (between my team and Michele's team) which means I think I have 8 open positions. It's a long story, but it really sucks having to lay off perfectly competent folks in one part of the company when we are short staffed and anyone we get in we will have to train and bring up to speed. My team in NOT an entry level position team. You need quite a bit of exerience and knowledge to do it and we just can find the folks right now.

Okay, I really am leaving now ...after I move the clothes from the washer to the dryer, put in another load, and load the care.

Top 10 things on my mind

1) My friend, N, got a BFN on Thursday. I just feel so bad for her. I wish there was something I could do to make it better.

2) My friend, C, is still in beta hell. Her beta’s are low, but rising (5, 18, 30). But, she had a lot of bleeding/cramping. She was told on Friday by her dr. that the bleeding wasn’t good, but it is still a 50/50 chance. As I told her, that’s a better chance than even conceiving on this cycle. I so hope this works out for her, but if it doesn’t that it ends sooner rather than later. I think she feels the same way.

3) My friend, T, went in to her first beta today. I can’t believe I forgot her the other day when asking for prayers and positive thoughts. She has been through the ringer as well. I really hope she gets good news today.

4) It is kind of amazing that I know so many people that are cycling and that they were all so close together. I wish they could all work.

5) I haven’t been sleeping that great. I am having trouble shutting down and forgetting about work. I picked up people care responsibilities and there has been a lot going on this week that I have had to deal with…a) an employee’s whose sister passed and was out of the office, but didn’t tell anyone b) a resignation c) one of our top performers whose site is closing and needs a salary increase, but we haven’t been able to commit that he can work from home or get a salary increase through d) a husband and wife who both work on my new team that may be put on the RIF list e) an employee who isn’t happy about her assignment change and has “worked from home” 3 or 4 days the last few weeks without prior authorization f) and on and on and on. With 60 people, if you only have “things” with a few, it still takes time and energy. I am having trouble not thinking and worrying about these things when work is done. I dreamed about all this stuff round and round last night. Needless to say, I woke up tired and a tad grumpy.

6) The smallest things are making me angry right now. It isn’t even 10 am and here are a few….a) the guy that cut my off when entering the freeway this morning then went REALLY slow in front of me b) the lady that almost blocked me in this morning while I was hiking making it difficult to get out c) the very, very old man that was driving the new shiny red “vet” 15 miles under the speed limit d) the grocery store bagger that doesn’t seem to understand “please don’t fill the bags too heavy”. Does he not realize that 6 cans of dog food in one bag is heavy? Or putting a jar of mayonnaise and spaghetti sauce in with a gallon of milk is too much? I was annoyed enough I asked them to repackage some of them e) the person who stopped by the garage sale across the street who BLOCKED my driveway and continued to browse while I waited with dogs and groceries in the car. I can’t say that I have anger management problems because I didn’t act out any of my thoughts/desires that involved destruction of property (in most cases). I had to keep repeating to myself….let it go….let it go…it isn’t worth it…let it go.

7) I am a really bad daughter, but really I am fine with it. Maybe I will save the details on this for a separate blog tomorrow.

8) I got to go. I have a lot to do today. When I woke up I was wishing I could have a whole day in bed with nothing to do. I realize that the reality is that I would be bored and ready to get out in an hour or so, but I wish things would slow down a bit around here. Unfortunately, I don’t see that happening for at least a month or two or for the rest of the pregnancy.

9) Did I mention I made it to the 24 week mark on Thursday? Yep, 24w2d. Only a few more weeks until the baby is viable.

10) Shadow had dental surgery yesterday and now has 2 fewer teeth. I can tell she still isn’t feeling well. The whining and moving even slower than usual are my first clues. I got the dogs canned food today because she hasn’t eaten much (only soft treats with medicine) since Thursday night. Poor thing. Edited to add: Can you believe they tried to give me Shadow's teeth? Eww gross. I told them "no thanks" and the tech laughed and said, "well, they are your property" as he threw them out.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

If prayers, hope, and postive thinking can work....

My heart, prayers, and positive thoughts are going out today for two of my SMC-TTC, IRL, friends. One of them is just back in town from attending her grandmother’s funeral and tested negative on an HPT today. Her beta is scheduled for tomorrow. While this is her first medicated IUI, she has been on the ttc journey for several years and had an IVF that failed (got OHSS and was hospitalized) at the beginning of the year. She is sure that it is “over” and she is so upset and bummed out. I hope she is wrong.

My other friend got her first positive beta; after she was so positive that her cycle was over that she stopped progesterone. The beta was really low, but tripled from 5 to 18, but she has been bleeding with clots (sorry if TMI). She knows the chances of this pregnancy making it is small and is happy because it shows that her eggs can fertilize and implant. I am hoping that this is the little embryo that could and the pregnancy does stick.

They are together for lunch while I am here hard as work (or not) in back to back meetings and wishing that I was with them.

The TTC process is just such a roller coaster with more lows than highs the longer you are on it. It is just so hard to hear the message that it “can still work” even if you do have/get a negative HPT when you are so positive that it hasn’t worked…again. I have been there.

Part of me doesn’t really believe that the prayers and positive thoughts and hopes really help. I used to be a big believer in power of positive thinking and prayers. The process has jaded me so much in that regard, that I don’t really believe that anymore. However, I figure it can’t hurt, right? So, I am offering it up for my two buddies. It would just be so cool if it worked out for both of them this month and they can both be so close in their pregnancy. We can all be pregnant together and we can all laugh about how we got pregnant on cycles that should have never been or we were positive hadn’t worked until our dr. called us to tell us so. Our kids can grow up together and be so close in age. It would just be perfect.

If you are the praying type, or spiritual, or believe in positive thought type, please offer some up to my ttc friends. May this be the end of the ttc road for them.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


I’m getting annoyed at fictional characters now.

I’m reading this book. It’s just a trash novel, but waiting for my reading buddies to catch up with me on the “real” books. And, I come across this paragraph last night.

“She’d stopped dating and started looking at sperm banks. In the end, she just couldn’t do it. She wanted to know what the father of her child looked like, to hear his laughter, to see his eyes darken with passion….”

I have to say that this really pissed me off. Granted, I was a bit crabby yesterday anyway. I know it is just a book, but the lady in question had an oopsie baby when she was 20 and wanted a sibling. This seems to imply that oopsie babies “are better” than sperm bank babies and that whole sentiment (of which my older sister subscribes too) just hits a raw button with me. Just thought I would share that.

Yes, I am still reading the book. I didn’t burn it or throw it across the room or anything. But, a day later, I am still irritated by it.

My mom, having accepted the assignment/challenge, has been searching for maternity clothes for me. Specifically, I need some maternity business attire before my work trip at the end of the month. She called me from the plus size maternity store last night that is about half way between where she lives and where I live. They only had black, not navy dress pants. They had this, they had that. Most of which it sounded like I would not care for. We decided on a few options. I also asked her to find out if they had one of those pant extenders so that at worse case, I could wear the navy dress pants that I have. Apparently, they did, but my mom wasn’t sure if it would be “enough”. At the check out, she was told that it was a “final” sale. She called again to find out whether she should get it or not. I ask “why” would that be a final sale. The store considered it an accessory, like lotion. I told her I didn’t agree with the policy and to not get it. She called me back a few minutes later and said that the clothes could only be exchanged for store credit. Annoyed, I told her I didn’t care for their business policies and didn’t want to do business with them. Back to square one. I still don’t have anything, but the target pj bottoms that are getting a lot of use.

I’m a bit less overwhelmed today, but still annoyed at yesterday situations (nothing new really annoyed my today). I got the floor vacuumed, the bills paid/accounts balanced, and one load of laundry done today. Nothing that was on the list that was overwhelming me, but I do feel a bit better. The rest will either get done or it won’t. Remind me of that if I get all in a panic again, okay?

I was tempted to go look and see how much money I have spent on my dogs since the beginning of the year while I was in paying bills and balancing accounts, but decided that I was better off not knowing that information right now. No sense in getting all worked up about it since I would have spent it anyway. I got all of Shadows lab and urine test back today. Everything is normal. They are going to start her on something (don’t remember the name) 2x a day for 1 week to see how she responds. I’ll get it at her dental appointment on Friday. I don’t think I can get there to pick it up before then. I got some Nature’s Miracle stuff for the floors. It has helped some, but I still smell it. Maybe it is just implanted into my nostrils right now. I don’t smell it all the time, so it is better, but not gone. I think I may have to tear up my carpet and install hardwood floors. That is, of course, after I get the house panted and everything else taken care of on my “overwhelmed” list.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Hospital Orientation and Pre-Registration

I have been feeling particularly uninspired lately. I was thinking that I didn’t have much to say and was going to do a quick post to say I was still alive, but nothing new, but….I realized that wasn’t quite true.

On the dog front, my dog Shadow seems to have developed a bladder control problem. The house stinks. I don’t know what to do. I got my small carpet cleaner back from my sister this weekend and spot cleaned the carpet in my office so I could stand to work in here today. It is better, but still smelly. I took her into the vet to have her tested for an infection or to see if it is related to old age. If it is an infection, she will be put on antibiotics and if not, she will be put on a supplement to see if it will help. I don’t find out until Wednesday. In the mean time, it gets smellier around here. My dogs have NEVER urinated inside. I don’t know what to do. No point in getting carpet cleaners in until the problem is resolved. Also, she has a broken tooth and needs a dental exam. This is tentatively scheduled for Friday pending the outcome of her “labs”. I am afraid to tally how much I have spent on my dogs lately.

I went to the orientation and tour for the hospital I plan to deliver in yesterday. I was able to pre-register while I was there. I was impressed and happy I made that choice.

Then, I finally was able to talk to the Doula recommended to me by my acupuncturist today. She said that the hospital I choose was the worst and she tries not to deliver out of it because they have a “transition” where the baby is removed from the mom and that they tend to induce more and have a higher c-section rate. She said my number 2 choice was MUCH better. I went with No. 1 over No. 2 because No. 1 has the highest NICU in the area and has private rooms and was rated as number 1 or two in all of the stats by my insurance carrier. See http://deb2you2.blogspot.com/2005/02/it-is-official-changing-obs.html#comments. The Doula said that No. 2 has private rooms as well and that they are much more caring and accepting of the mom’s views/rights. All of this goes against what I have heard from others who have delivered there and the orientation. Of course, those that I know who have delivered there have only delivered there and of course the hospital thinks it is the greatest. I am a bit worried by what the Doula said. I am glad that a friend when with me because I am almost positive that we were told that we could decline the transition period and that what we wanted with our birthing plan, would be. We just needed to let our nurse know when we got there. I want to kick off an email to my OB and get her opinion on this, but think I will wait to talk to my friend and actually meet with the Doula first.

I am starting to realize how much I need to get done between now and August between taking birthing classes, getting the house painted/ready, and work, not to mention just the normal upkeep which I am failing at. I am getting a bit worried and overwhelmed. I just want it all to be done without having to actually do it. A neighbor was over on Saturday and we were talking about me getting the house panted. She made a comment about getting it done in May and having June to prepare the nursery. I am not panicked yet, but…am worried. The thing is….I can’t have the house painted in May between having the local mayoral election here, the Valley SMC group for a get together and having to be out of town for a few days for work. I just can’t. There is not one good week in all of May to have my house completely torn apart.

Have I mentioned that I can’t take the pee smell? It is driving me crazy.