Sunday, June 28, 2009

It's 6:10 pm

It's 6:10 pm Sunday night. Do you know where your children are? Mine are asleep, asleep, asleep. We rally'd and made it to church, the 9 am service which meant the twins only got 1 nap, not 2 today. I've tried the 11 am, just doesn't seem to work as well as skipping a nap. N can hang no problem. R starts loosing it towards the end. Max had lots of swimming in the pool today and he's out as well. I could do the dishes, but...I'm not gonna and you can't make me. I was caught up except for dinner so it isn't too bad. Still, it was a busy hands on day and the Sunday sitter cancelled so I'm going to pump, take a quick shower, then cuddle in bed with a book. Or, chat with my cousin who should be back by then from house hunting in San Deigo and will be here until Wednesday, then back early August with all their earthly posessions. It was such a nice weekend. With the big leverage of wanting to go swim in the big pool, Max was on his best behavior and that just makes all the difference in the world. Days and weekends like this are exactly what I imagined and wanted when I dreamed of my family.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


It was a perfect summer day. Everyone was healthy. Lot's of outdoor play and swimming. The twins took good naps and went down well. Max went down great. That combination of fresh outdoor air and to love it! Max and I had time to play 1:1 while the twins had their morning nap before Nana came, then were able to get in the big pool a few times. Max was so proud because he was able to dive down and get the dive toys from the bottom...just like the bigger kids. I took R in the big pool, but he really wasn't that impressed and the water is much colder than the baby pool which I'm able to fill with warm water. N was content to splash and crawl in nice warm baby pool. I was able to make a nice dinner (eaten at 3 pm :) and baby food while the twins took their afternoon nap and Max played 1:1 with Nana. It was one of those days where there just seemed to be enough time for everything...keeping up with the dishes, cooking, especially lots of outdoor fun. Ah, every day doesn't have to be this perfect, but it sure was nice.

ps. N is mobile. She's been crawling backward, combat forward, and slow. She's starting to pick up speed. She was almost out her bedroom door in the time it took me to go to the kitchen and back. So nice to see her getting there, but out...all three moving and grooving is likely to be scary at least half the time. :)

Friday, June 26, 2009

1 Yr Peds - 5

The twins had their one year peds appointment on Monday. I'd tell you the stats, but I can't find the piece of paper they were written on. The doc and I never got around to talking percents anyway. He has two young ones...a 35 weeker that is probably about 4 or 5 months now and maybe a 3 year old...and he had them all weekend by himself since his wife was working. He said things like super mom and how do I do it and we laughed and said how much less work it often was to actually go to work. What I remember is that N was 20 lbs. R just slightly less than that at 19 lbs 10 oz. R was slightly longer than N and his head was slightly bigger. This always surprises me since when you look at N' she looks like she is much bigger and longer. But, it just isn't so. We were going to test their iron. Well, actually, we were going to test their iron at their 9 month, but alas the doc and I were so sleep deprived that we forgot to even talk about it. Then, the twins got shots and the nurse didn't prick and it didn't happen. I remembered this days later. Called to follow up on wether I was supposed to go to a lab, but is done in the office. The nurse seemed a bit stunned when I suggested we just wait then until their 15 month appointment or I'll bring them when Max has his 4 year in appointment. She studdered out "let me check on that" with the doc, who ...had no problem with this...not urgent. I'll just keep on given them iron supplements until then. Really not a big deal.

Since Monday, we've started them on whole milk which is going fine. I dropped a day or two ago my middle of the day pump and am just going morning and night for now. This is yielding enough breast milk for everything except the last bottle of the day. Have I mentioned how much I love my ped? We talked about stopping the breast milk and he said that the only real studies were for 1 year or less and then asked me what my exit strategy had been in my mind. And, I said 1 year, but that it has come and gone, but I'm not sure I'm ready to stop. He said, whether 12 days, 12 weeks, or 12 months, if it is just too much for a mom, it is just too much and he is supportive. I'll probably go through this summer at least and stop this internal adjusting for preemie status even though I've been told it isn't necesssary.

In other news, the massive sore throat and body aches that has been plequing me for almost a week are almost gone. As of Monday, my current position is officially so unvaluable as to not exist anymore, but I'll putter around at it and a few other things until my new one starts mid July.

Made milk shakes and smoothies with Max's classroom today. We had fun.

My weekend sitter cancelled for Sunday, but I'm still looking forward to the weekend.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Max Funny

Max's godfather was in town again this weekend and took him to the library to return books and get new ones while they were out running errands for me. I was reading one of them...the only one of the four that we have actually read at this point...he's funny like that...we will get three or four and then really only read one of them most of the time, but he doesn't want to get only one book. He is always trying for as many as he thinks he can get away with. Anyway, the title of the book is called "A diary of a worm". When I got all done reading it, Max asks me in this incredulous voice "where was the diarrhea?" and was so disappointed. So, we have inserted the word diarrhea in two pages to appease the audience. I'm sure that's not what the author had in mind, but I figure installing a love of reading comes in many shapes and sizes. He loves him so potty talk, that is for sure. His god father heard the comment and my readjustment and commended me on my page selection and quick adaptation.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Stubborn goat

Max can be an ornery stubborn ole goat at times. These days it seems like most of the time. This morning, not even 6 am and we are in the twins room and I'm changing diapers. R went first while Max and N bonded in her crib. Then, R was free and I was doing N's poo. R picks up and starts swinging this hard toy. Max starts cheering and telling him to bonk N on the head. I ignore Max, but tell R not to listen to his brother and that I will have to take the toy away if it does bonk N, because it hurts her and she doesn't like it. R, this time, doesn't get drawn in, so Max gets out of the crib, takes the toy away from R, and bonks N (not hard and she didn't even cry), but as he was preparing for all this, I warned him the consequence would be that he would need to leave the room. He did, I put him out of the room, he didn't like it.

Jim (my cousin's husband who has a new job in San Diego and is here again this weekend...cousin comes tomorrow) were talking about this last he just tests and pushes it to make sure you are going to follow through. Jim told me that at the store yesterday Max was trying to poke a whole in the wrap for the meat. Jim asked him to stop. Max didn't. He was warned to stop or he would need to get out of the cart for 2 minutes. He did it anyway.

It just gets so tiring and as much of a pain it is to follow through it is worse and escalates if I don't (which does happen on rare occasion) follow through. I feel like I always need leverage by having something he wants to do, but can't if he doesn't listen or is mean or am constantly having to give him consequences.

It gets old. Or, have I said that already.

I keep hoping it is a phase, but I think part of it is just personality. Has be a bit scared for the future when I really stop to think about it.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Green Light

I was given the green light today by N's neurologist to start weaning her from the phenobarbital. Yeah! She had an EEG - HATED IT! But, I guess the doc got enough of what he needed. So, here is to hoping that she responds as well as I think she will (i.e. no seizures) so that we can be done with it all. So, a full six weeks to wean and a follow up in early December.

Some mornings

Some mornings it is much harder to get up and get going. This morning was one of them. Up with a sick feverish hallucinating (although not too bad this time) kid (Max). We both had just fallen asleep (at least if felt that way but it could have been 30 - 45 minutes later) when R woke and wanted to eat at which point I had less than an hour before I had to be up and moving. Climbed into Max's bed because he was in my bed and snoring and finds me like a beacon and wants to touch and cuddle in his sleep..ick. Forced myself up 10 minutes late, but at least my 7 am meeting was canceled this morning. N, my most excellent sleeper, is up eating cereal and watching TV (Baby Bach) while I pump. She sleeps well, but 11 hours is enough for her but at least I got here out of there without waking R for a change. He's not fond of being alone and can usually sense it and wake up and put up a fuss if the crib tent zipper doesn't wake him. You should here him during the day if he is left someplace alone. You'd think he is being tortured or is seriously hurt or something, but just stops and gives his big toothy grin when you come back. I don't need 11 hours, don't think I ever slept for 11 hours, but 7 would be nice. 5? Okay, Max is up and grump. Only 15 hours or so until the next sleep opportunity.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I wonder

This may sound odd, but as I sit here another night pumping yet again...I wonder when I am going to stop. I know I wanted to make it at least to the year mark. That has come and gone. The twins 1 year ped appointment is next Monday and rumor has it that they can be switched to whole milk at any time and one does not need to adjust for the prematurity in this. We will get his take next week. However, even if he does give the green light, I'm not sure that I'm ready, willing, and able to stop just yet. Certainly, I'm tired of it even if it has become habit and routine for us all. I wonder if there is any significant extra benefit for them to continue to get as much of it as possible. On rare occassion, I still attempt to offer each a chance at the breast. They smile and laugh at me and make it clear that there is no interest so I'm not holding out for that. Maybe I will drop the middle of the day pump and just do morning and night and introduce cows milk and plan to go until the end of the summer or early fall, even if not necessary to adjust for the prematurity, just because. Or, maybe I will just get sick of it one day after I'm sure they can tolerate the cows milk and we've run out of forumla (cause I'm not buying any more of that I tell you...I'm done happily with that in my own mind) and just stop. I wonder. I thought I'd be more than ready to stop given the slightest reason and oddly, I find that I am not.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Almost laughable

I found out what my sister...the one who, apparently, hasn't been talking to me is miffed. Not from her, of course.

I guess when she brought me home from the hospital from having the twins, Max asked for her or wanted her or something...really, I don't even remember it....and, I started to cry.

Now, let's keep in mind, that I was still in shock, had tons of hormones, was crying over everything and JUST LEFT MY TWO VERY PREMATURE BABIES IN THE HOSPITAL, had missed Max terribly, had just had a major surgery, and was already sleep deprived.

Anyway, she has been upset for over a year now on something that I truly don't even recall. How sad is that? On many levels.

After thinking long and hard on and off since I found out, I have only the most vague of recollections of coming home at all. And, during that time I was most concerned with how hard all of this was on Max. Really something like that and the other acting out he did that week until my cousin came didn't bother me in a take it personal kind of way.

The mom that had always been around, working from home, and his rock was all of a sudden gone two weeks back to back. I got that and how hard it was for him and even though he couldn't express it the anger and fear and life altering it all was for him.

The whole thing almost makes me want to laugh that she has been so hurt and upset over something that I can't even remember. Heck, I've even told anyone who would listen and care how much she and my other sister stepped up to the plate. Here she has been feeling put out and under appreciated for nothing.

Another, very small part of me, wonders if I really want someone in my life who is so self absorbed that she couldn't understand how hard and emotional that day was for me. Or, the first 3 months until both babies came home. Or, the first year entirely.

Obviously, I should have done a better job of showing and expressing my appreciation.

But, ah...come on? Really, that's what this has all been about? I knew I didn't have a clue and most have missed something along the way, but this?

The funny (in a sad sort of way that isn't funny at all) is that she must have not been talking to me for a lot longer than I realized as I really only clued in over the last month or so just figuring that I was busy and she was busy. And, she was really letting this get to her. I have to remind myself that she must have really been hurt by it.

Not quite sure how I want to handle the situation as I'm not supposed to know (talked it out of another family member). She did make a brief appearance at the twins birthday party. So, maybe my email of the other week at least got her thinking or trying to put it behind her. Probably, this week some time I'll send her a note thanking her for the gift cards for the twins birthday and adding in about what a hard year it was and the many angels in my life including her helped right at the right time making it just a bit easier.

One day soon when I get over how petty it all seems and self absorbed and selfish on her part and can truly feel the hurt she must have felt.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Yeah for help!

I'm sure this is stating the obvious, but things go really well around here with the right kind of help. My cousin's husband was in town this weekend and started a new job today. They are moving out this way this summer, which is terrific news. They are god parents to all three of my kids. He is an experienced dad with his eldest finished with her first year of college, his second graduated from high school last week, and his baby in middle school. Max just thinks he is the best and ran errands with him and had a grand ole time. Setting up for the party was easy peasy with him out of the picture and the twins napping and I had someone come in towards the end of the party to help clean up and feed the twins dinner. Sunday, I even got to nap while the twins napped. It was awesome and much needed since it was one of those nights where I didn't get much sleep. Last night, I wasn't completely exhausted at the end of the weekend. I almost forgot what that felt like. Made me think that maybe marriage may not be so bad with the right person. I do it solo all the time by myself and don't think too much about it. Maybe that's why it was such a nice suprise.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Happy Birthday to you!!

The twins turned ONE today. What a roller coaster....What a ride.....

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Poor Fellow

Under the things that could make you cry or scream.....

R is on day 3.5 of antibiotics. Still feverish. Still feeling terrible. Still clingy and crabby (for him). Just not shaking things. Called the peds office and urgent care gave the wrong dosage ... half of what he should have been taking. Thankfully, they just called in a new prescription with the proper dosage and we are starting the 10 day clock over.

I'm glad I called put upset that it was wrong in the first place and that I didn't follow up and check with either my friend who is a ped or our peds office earlier. When the doc gave me the dosage, it seemed a bit low to me, but I honestly couldn't remember and thought about asking him if he was sure but figured....ah, he went to medical school and I didn't and prescribing meds is key part of his job so presumably he knew what he was doing. To bad, because they really were close and convienient, but they have lost my trust now. I'm wondering if I should call them back and tell them or just let it go.

I just feel bad for my poor little fellow who just wants to be held when there hasn't been enough time to do that for him and that he spent several more days than he should have feeling miserable because of an error and a mom not following through on something when her instinct suggested she should.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Tapped out

How do you feel today sister? Tapped out. Spent. Emotionally drained.

It was a hard day. It was announced today that many colleagues I have worked with for many years. Good solid knowledgeable hard working people will be out of work in the next round of layoffs. I myself will be moving into a new role.

I had a clogged milk duct. Ouch. I added heat and extra pumps and think I now have it cleared again.

R is still sick, but seems to have turned the corner.

Three, almost 4 year olds, can be so annoying sometimes, especially when you are tired, have a headache, a sore boob, and emotionally spent because of work.

I did not get to the store, but did get the car into the shop for routine service where they found and additional $550 worth of potential work. I didn't do it all.

N pulled herself up into a stand yesterday. She was so proud. She's starting to move and scoot and think maybe she will be crawling soon.

I need to make birthday cakes either today or tomorrow. I've thought about only making some for the party and not their actual day. They won't know, but I likely won't. I guess it depends on how the next few days goes.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Know better

Just shoot me, pop me over the head, give me a strong reminder next time I even think of uttering the words healthy, reasonably healthy, or any such sentiment. Really. I know better. I do.

R = urgent care = double ear infection.

The bad news, other than the sickness, is that the peds office was too busy to even return a phone call to get us in today and a flock of birds or at least a really big one poo'd all over the twins, the stroller, and the car when I was loading them in to come home...gross. The good news is the urgent care was open, close, quick, and not too expensive.

I started suspecting yesterday actually. R was a little fussy and he usually isn't. Then, he woke up about an hour after bedtime last night screaming and rubbing his ear, but no fever and he went right back. He woke up crying off and on all night, but self soothed and fell right back to sleep. Forgot about it actually in the morning madness until he woke up from his morning nap with a fever and I just knew. So, dealt with early in the day and will get some meds in the fellow and get him on the med. Poor guy.

Now, just hoping N doesn't get it.

State of affairs

It's 5:50 am on a Saturday morning. What are you doing?

Me: I'm up. Been up for almost 2 hours now. Ray cried in his sleep. Woke me up and that was that. I'm now pumping.

R: In excersaucer and not thrilled with it. He was tolerating it while he had his cookie/toddler biscuit in his hands, but seems to have lost. Ah, just started a DVD all from the confines of the couch and he has stopped whinning again. I don't care what anyone says. TV rocks!

Max: Sleeping in. Good. With me short on sleep it's better he gets lot to improve the odds of a decent day. Speaking of the devil, I hear stirring from within his room and expect to see him momentarily. Yep.

N: Getting some floor/tummy time. Normally, she gets put in the exersaucer as well for safety reasons...hers. But, she's really starting to move and getting closer to crawling and with one brother confined and the other alseep it was a good opportunity. She had a follow up with the cardiologist this week and we don't need to go back again for a year. She still has and I forget the medical terms here...a skin tag on one of the ventricles of her heart likely caused by the PIC line in the NICU and then they saw this time the normal opening in the heart has not fully closed yet. Both were dully noted, but neither seemed concerning by either the tech or the doc. And, they even agreed with me that TV rocks since N and a little Barney in mommy's lap made the entire visit much shorter and better than it could have gone especially since the nurse putting her on the table to measure her length set off screams that got people popping in to make sure things were okay.

I both look forward and dread weekends. I like the extra time with the kids, but it is hard and tiring especially when I head into it tired which is pretty much all the time. At least this weekend, everyone seems to be over the sicknesses and are relatively healty.

Big week ahead. Last week/4 days of Preschool for Max (summer school starts the following Tuesday or Wednesday...need to go look that up so it is basically a long weekend which will likely seem forever) and the twins turn 1 with a small party next Saturday.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

What's up

I just sent the following email to my older sister. I actually think I will not hear a word back. When I think about it, which really isn't that often...because I have a lot on my plate right now...I alternate between being angry and sad. We are 13 months apart and her kids are now grown and gone. She lives less than an hour away (pending Los Angeles traffic). When I'm in my angry phase, which I am right now, I remind myself that it has more to do with her than with me and that she has apparently written off and isn't communicating with our youngest sister either. When, I would really just have a good fight with her and be done with it. I'd call, but she's not picking up when I do (admittedly, I haven't called that often...birthday, major holiday's, to try to get ahold of my mom who I thought was at her house and coming to my house, but I wasn't going to be here as planned cause I had to run Ray to the doctors) and haven't heard back. I've sent an email or two and haven't heard back. Presumably, she isn't talking to me. Probably, I would have picked up on this earlier except...I've kind of been busy this year. Sigh.

Did we get in a fight that I don't know about? If there is something I have done or not done to cause problems, it would be nice at some point to know what it is. Because really, I don't have a clue. I feel damned either way. We didn't invite you to Easter which really was an oversight since you have pretty much not participated in any family event in the last few years and you've wanted to keep things small with you and Frank or friends which is fine, but then I heard (indirectly of course, because I presume you aren' t talking to me?) that you were hurt. Then, you do get invited (with plenty of notice) to the twins birthday party and don't even bother to acknowledge or reply either way. It seems that family and holidays were only important when your kids were small at this point. If that's the way you feel then fine, I guess it is better that you are not in our lives right now. Truly, it is your loss. Anyway, I'm presuming since I haven't heard from you that you will not be attending the twins first birthday. It will be the only one they ever have.
I guess I'll go back to just letting things lie and taking the path of least resistance since most of the time that's all I have time and energy to do, but it just makes it harder all the way around. For example, I have a cousin coming in town this weekend for a week...or so I hear through the grapevine...and I would like to see him, but he is staying at her house, then going to San Diego, and this means I likely won't get the chance to see him at all. I totally get him not wanting to stay here since he is single bachelor mid thirties so would be total culture shock, but a shared meal might be nice.

Anyway, I won't go renege my invitation or be petty or any more rash than sending the email, but it would be nice to at least have a clue what the issue is...real or imagined.

Well, I have other things to do, like buy the twins a present, get stuff to make cakes and/or cupcakes, decide on food and decorations ... so, pretty much everything except invite people.

A rare treat

A friend, whose husband is out of town, came yesterday afternoon ...picking up Max on the way... and made the most delicious dinner. She wouldn't let me help at all in the cooking or cleaning up. We were able to visit. I got extra baby time. It was so nice. The kids...her 5 yrs old b/g twins and Max...played (mostly nicely...with the mostly being Max, of course :). Upon my profuse thanks (i.e. what are you doing every night for the rest of my life?), she commented that woman really appreciate woman since we know the effort involved. I'd feel guilty except I enjoyed it too much and she said she cooks almost every night anyway. Still harder to do it someplace else.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Baby Dayz

The twins had a field trip to Max's school this morning or Max had the twins in for show and tell today depending on how you look at it. They are having "Baby Week" where people can bring in their babies if they want and all the kids are bringing in baby pictures and trying to guess who is who. Everyone had a wonderful time. The kids all had to tell me they didn't have a baby at home and to show me their baby pictures. Then, they had snacks for the babies which was so sweet, but we had fed them before I left to help it go well. But, all the kids kept shoving the snacks at the twins. It was so funny. Max was so happy. R was in awe. N looked shocked and happy to see so many girls all in one place. She kept starring at all there faces in disbelief and put out her hands to touch them to make sure they were real. N really did well as she tends to be a bit slow to warm. Max came and gave me a big long hug, tried to get R to cause some rucus and held N during circle time. I think the only thing that would have made it better for Max was if R got into his full on menace mode and crawled all over dumping the toys all and wreck the block buildings. It was much funnier to see Max try to insitgate this at school where it didn't work than at home when it does. It was the perfect amount of time...about 40 minutes. R started to reach his comfort zone and made a dash for the bathroom and N was about to loose it from overstimulation. So glad we did it and so like the preschool and teachers Max goes to and has.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Testing, Testing 1 - 2 - 3

Please, tell me it is just a phase. Please, I implore you as I pray for patience.

Scene: About 5 pm. Dinner is finished. I'm giving R a breathing treatment. Neomi is doing the dishes. N is watching TV and playing nicely. Max is playing and has a poo. Neomi goes to help wipe. Max throws a fit screaming and crying "no, my mommy, I want my mommy to do it" and runs away from her around the house with his pants around his ankles. Fine. I hand R off to Neomi so she can finish the breathing treatment, at which point R starts throwing a fit and knocks the despencer off thus spilling the contents after about 3 minutes. Meanwhile, I wipe Max butt and put him into the tub.

Scene: About 5:15. Max is still in tub. I tell him for the second time no more water. R I am carting around with me as he has decided to be a mommy cling on for the night. N is still playing nicely in baby jail (probably happy her brothers are leaving her alone and she isn't at present moment in physical peril and no one is grabbing all her toys away) and watching TV. I give Max a 5 minute warning.

Scene: About 5:18. Max is still in tub. I hear water go on again. I hand off R to Neomi for diaper change and PJ's. Go tell Max for the 3rd and final time, no more water and now it is time to get out. He throws a fit and refuses to get out. I says he is going to splash water all over the floor [before it drains]. I remind him that if he does, he will need to clean up the water. He does it anyway. He puts a pitcher on his foot and tells me he is going to club me with it and hurt me. I tell him I do not like to be hurt and if he does this, I will have to take away the pitcher and he will not be able to use it for awhile until he can show me he can use it properly. He gets out of the tub with the pitcher, puts it on his foot and clubs [although gently as he is only willing to push it so far] with it. I take it away and put i up out of his reach. He laughs and tells me he will just get it down [but he can't as it is too tall]. I dry him off and give him the towel to dry the wall and floor where he splashed. He refuses. Does a little and then throws the towel into the tub which still has not drained all the way. Most of the towel is wet except one part of which he asks what part is dry. I show him so he can use that to wipe the rest of the water. He puts it back into the tub making sure to get the dry part wet. I send him to the linin closet to get a dry towel. He does. Finally, he starts wiping up the water commenting that it is hard work and he doesn't like doing it. Bingo. Yes, I comment, it's hard work for me too and I don't like it either.

Scene: About 5:45. We are all in the twins room doing last bottle and bedtime for the twins. Neomi has left by now. Max and R had a nice game of chase Max's sippy cup where the goal is for Max to keep it just out of R's reach as R crawls as fast as he can to get it only to have it tossed even further. Both seem to be enjoying this game so it continues until it is R's turn for bottle. Max has turned over the stool for the rocker being warned repeatedly that N doesn't like to have the sharp corners bashed into her head. He is warned [since this has been a problem in the recent past] that if he purposly hurts her or any of us, calls any of us a name, or is disruptive, he will be asked to leave the room. He tests without actually crossing the line this time.

Scene: About 5:50. The twins and I are still doing final stages of bedtime ... getting on sleep blankets and about to start books. I ask Max, who is in the kitchen putting water in bowls for some odd reason, if he wants to pick books and participate. He declines. I start reading. He comes in screaming half way through the book that he wanted to pick and start over and on and on and hissy fit. I calmly tell him that he is not being considerate of the twins bed and book time and if he continues, he will be asked to leave the room. He continues and escalates. He is removed from the room continuing to throw a fit, but at least outside the room so I can finish books and get the twisn to bed.

Scene: About 5:55. Max is still crying and tantruming. I go into his room and cuddle him until he calms down. When I ask what books he wants to read, he indicates the ones I had just read the twins. I get them and then he doesn't want them, but another one. I read the other one. We climb in bed for cuddles and kisses for a bit.

Scene: About 6:20 pm. All three kids are asleep. The beautiful sound of silence.

Now, probably this is all normal age appropriate testing stuff, but sure can be tiring. I hate to be on him so much, but sometimes he just makes such bad choices after being given plenty of warnings. Yes, it's at the end of the day an he is tired. We all are, but still. He has to learn that he can not phyically hurt his siblings at will. He has to learn that he can't go around calling us names, although he really makes an effort not to call me names anymore after pushing it past the limit. He has to learn that being part of a family means being considerate. If I don't correct him, who will and how will he learn. However, he needs the limits. He needs to know when he crosses the line. He tests to make sure he knows where the line is and what it means to cross it and what the consequences are. I need to remind myself of this and that it is normal.

I'm not sure if it is a boy thing, or an age thing, or just a Max thing, but it can try my patience at the best of times. Tonight, I had enough left to stay calm and cool about the whole thing instead of yelling at him and letting him suck me so it went better than it can when I just can't take it anymore.

Well, hopefully, he has learned his lessons or we will be back at it again tomorrow.

ETA: OMG, I just had a terrible, terrible thought....what if it isn't a phase? What if this continues up to and during the teenage years where just that which is tested changes to be bigger and badder and more problematic with bigger consequences. I can see my future and it could be kind of scary. Oh well, nothing to be done but to plug along do the best we can and hope and pray it makes a difference and/or divine intervention.

One with the money, two for the show

I took Max to the movies for the first time yesterday. I would say he loved the experience and was ready to do it again soon. The show, not so much. If his mommy had done a better job picking and realized it was a PG movie not G so it was more age appropriate, it would have been better. He got on my lap and cuddled after the first scary part and just looked around at the others. Towards the end, he told me he was tired of the movie and wanted to go home. So, I did what any good mom would do...bribe him with candy after the movie if he let me stay to the end. For even more mommy points, I actually took him to the movies on the same day that we skipped going to church...but, in my own defense, the twins were slightly more than a tad whinny and fussy and it was bad enough I had to listen to it let alone subjecting everyone else in the "cry room" to it, even if it is the cry room. And, by going to the movie with Max, I got bonding time with the older kid and the sitter got to deal with the cranks (okay, just kidding, they were napping for more than half the time we were gone and I really did need the break).

The funny or not so funny thing about the sitter thing was that it wasn't until almost 2 hours after I called and ask if she could come an hour earlier than planned that I realized I didn't even have her scheduled to come at all that day. Then, had to call back to make sure that she did know I meant TODAY since 1) I had already bought the movie tickets online and 2) I had mentally prepared for time away for good behavior. Mental preparedness is key I have found.

Sometimes I am amazed what I can accomplish in any give day or hour. Other, I'm amazed at how little and how I can squander that same amount of time. I *should* be working right now or at least paying bills (and tax return is back so not actually having the money isn't an issue at the present moment), but...I don't wanna (typed with as much whine as possible).

Having a hard time "caring" about my job at the moment knowing the role is going away soon. It all seems like such a farse, like how important can the work be if it isn't important to actually pay to keep a person it it. Oh, I'll get done what needs to get done, but doesn't mean I have to actually feel like it.