Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Three, 3, III

I could have cried for joy! I’m on the emotional downswing from my u/s this afternoon. I have 3 follicles. I’m totally fine with this being a scrap cycle. After all, my cycles never really look good on paper. And, I got pregnant with Max on a cycle much, much worse than this one. I’m on cd20 right now. I was cancelled on cd12 for no response after 11 days of stims. Last Friday when I begged for an u/s..okay, really, I didn’t have to beg, I just had to asked, because….I’m like a fixture or part of the staff around there and have been going there longer than at least half of the staff….Anyway, I called and got in last Friday and had two follicles sitting at 13. Today, I have 3….1 at 20; 2 at 18. This is the first response since my one follicle in my cancelled IVF last July. If you add up all the follicles in all the cycles I have attempted for #2 this response probably equals the sum total. I feel like I have a fighting chance this month. I have some hope that this could really be my month. Dr. Q after shaking his head in disbelief asked me if I wanted to try to convert to IVF. I declined. I think I have him convinced to let me trigger on Thursday for a Saturday IUI. I’m supposed to check my LH and call tomorrow. Now, I could trigger tomorrow for a Friday IUI, but I’d like to let them grow one more day. The last two times I’ve gotten pregnant (with Max being the first of those) my lead was at 24. By Thursday, the lead should be just about there. What looked like and should have been another miserable cancellation just a little over a week ago, now looks to be my best cycle yet. I’m so glad I asked for that extra u/s even if I was expecting to have them say I was full of it and didn’t have anything growing. Wow, wow, wow! The quality is dubious, but I’m in the game. It really, really, really could work this month. Hot Damn!

Note: Written on 2/27/07 at 7:30 pm ish, but not able to post because blogger was down so I have now added and post dated. Not that anyone really cares, but...felt like I had to say it for the record. :)

Saturday, February 24, 2007

No, No Kool Aid Here!

Here are the latest professional pictures of Max and I from December 31, 2006. Finally got around to scanning them tonight. I had planned on tackling my office and bills this evening. Instead, I chatted on the phone with a friend for 90 + minutes after I put Max to bed, then was unmotavated. I came to the computer to turn it off and got side tracked. Several hours later...here I am. I was thinking earlier today about how I always wanted to be the Koolaid Mom before having a child and now that I have one, I wouldn't give him Koolaid to drink. Max gets water or milk. Okay, I did give him a sip of my Black Cherry Fresca tonight. Yes, he had a major meltdown when he couldn't have more. It wasn't pretty. Typically, I don't drink anything but water when Max is around so I don't mind sharing my drink with him. Yes, I did grow up drinking Koolaid, and Tang for that matter. Remember Tang? And, I survived, but would rather not get Max into the habit so young. There are plenty of years for corrupt eating and drinking habits to come. I'll just try to hold them off as long as possible.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Hope and New Born Babies!

The best part of this week is that my friend M delivered two healthy boys this morning. Her road to being a mommy was longer than any person I know. I’m so happy for her. I got to see her this afternoon and hold one of the babies. She looked great. He was so cute and so small. OMG. Just affirmed for me that I am not ready to give up. I am so darn happy for her.

My u/s this afternoon went very differently than I thought and worth the wait, which started to get me frustrated because it meant I may not get to see my friend and the babies and did cut into visit time. But, my lining was good over 8 with a triple line. And, I had two follicles that had grown to 13. Dr. Q was just shaking his head and kept saying that he didn’t know what to do with me and that I sure wasn’t a text book case. LOL. I assured him that was true. He asked me if I had continued the meds. LOL. Ahhh, no. I was expecting you to tell me I still had nothing there.

We talked about me maybe adding a low dose stim back in. I told him I would think about it, but have opted to not. The stims don’t seem to help and these were growing on their own. So, I’m going to ride it out. I’m going to go in for another u/s next week. Dr. Q said Monday or Tuesday. I’m going to make the appointment for Wednesday if possible since I like them large.

When I walked out, he was talking to all the nurses who were sitting around. I guess I was the last appointment. We all had a laugh about how I’d be back as long as there was the smallest glimmer of hope since I had conceived Max on such a scrap cycle.

I really can’t believe it. There still is some hope for this cycle. Maybe a little of life left in my ovary. Back to hoping and praying over here. And, yes, I took my prenatals, the dex, and the Omega oil when I got home.

Now, I’m not going crazy with excitement over here. The odds are still not great and the quality is questionable since it is so late in the cycle, but I’m hoping they continue to grow and I get to waste another vial of sperm on a chance this month. That’s all I want. A CHANCE. Okay, what I really want is another miracle, but that can’t happen without a chance.

Maybe holding the baby (gosh, was he gorgeous, but I think I already said that) will help. Don’t they emit some fertility pheromone or something?

ETA: And, my consult with the financial coordinator went well. Got all the information I needed plus information on about 6 or so DE agencies to look into research. They have two packages. Glad we talked. Well worth the time.


Avoidance has been my biggest coping strategy of the week. Truth be told, it hasn’t been as hard as one might think because all my extra energy has gone to work, which is extremely busy, and Max, who has required a few extra cycles/more energy this week. It also helped that I avoided talking to most of my friends thus avoiding have to talk about “the failure”. Yes, I have been a really bad friend this week. I just couldn't make myself do call backs or pick up the phone. Just couldn’t. Didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to think about it. Wanted to pretend all was fine. I was fine. My big rebellion, other than avoiding friends, was not taking my prenatal vitamins and fish oil pills. I took avoidance too far with completely forgetting to wean myself from the Dex. Wednesday night I was feeling physically pretty crappy along with emotionally drained when it occurred to me that it was likely caused my the cold stop to the Dex. I took it and went to bed and woke up physically better.

The thing is, I have only been able to take avoidance so far because my ovary, the left one, hurts. It’s sore. It is a constant reminder on how fucked up my fertility is right now.

I have some questions for the RE that I haven’t called or emailed. I remembered a friend who used an acu that is very close to me, across the street from my grocery store I think, but haven’t called to get the name/number. I just haven’t been able to take any action, at all, in regards to this latest failed cycle.

And, then, this morning, I had a lots of cervical mucus. And, I called and set up an appointment for another u/s this afternoon just to make sure that nothing is growing. Yes, I know that even if a follicle has grown the egg quality at this point is likely bad, but I can’t help myself. I need the quantitative data …okay MORE quantitative data…because even with two u/s showing there was nothing going, a high FSH, and a low Inhibin B.. I want to hold on to a little hope. For another miracle.

While I’m in, I’m meeting with the financial coordinator to talk about a DE cycle.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I hate my ovaries

Just awake stewing about how much I hate my ovaries and filled with self loathing right now.

I guess I’m officially on my break from ttc for the next few months while I try to loose weight, go to acupuncture, do whatever else I can think of that might help/not hurt before trying once more with my own eggs.

The thing with this approach is that it places blame for the continued failure to have a child (another child) squarely on myself. If only I was better, it would have and still has a chance of working. If I were skinnier, healthier, calmer, took more time for self care….whatever….it probably would have and still could work.

The reality is that even if I can do some of these things, it probably still won’t work, and then there will just be more to hate and resent.

I’m thinking about going to see a therapist to talk through some of this stuff cause I know that how I’m thinking now….last night/early this morning….it isn’t healthy. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about how people turn to drugs/alcohol/food/whatever drown or avoid the feelings and wishing I had something better. How, I was letting some of the sorrow and pain out, but only a small part because the rest was too great it scares me and I just can’t right now. I have too much to do with taking care of Max, work, and life to let myself feel the full force of my disappointment in myself and the repeated failures of late.

A few weeks ago, I was reading on one of the fertility sites I browse on occasion and read a thread that talked about pet-peeves. Mostly people were talking about non-fertility related stuff, but a few listed stuff around trying to conceive. Since then, I’ve been thinking about mine…when people call themselves “poor responders” and then say, I ONLY had 5 follicles/3 eggs/ xx whatever. Even at my best, I never got that. Never made it to ER. Not once. Never will. I’ve been thinking I should start the ‘no responders’ support group, but that sadly, I’d be the only member I know and it would be just like now with me having a pity party for myself. I know, I know…the people that say that still don’t have a child or another child and relatively speaking, it isn’t great. I really do understand where they are coming from. I do. But, there odds are 5 times. 3 times, xx times better than mine.

My odds are ZERO. I can’t even fucking get in the game. I don’t even get to play. Or, rather, I can try. I can try as hard or as long or as many times I want, but the result is still the same.

And, if I was “better”, more worthy, it probably would have work.

And, if I hadn’t miscarried 9 months ago I’d have Max’s sibling in my arms. I was sad then about the loss, but at least happy that I still had and could get pregnant. That it didn’t work this time, but if I just tried long enough, enough times, it was an odds game and it would eventually work. Since then…9 months ago…I have had one and only one true follicle on my cancelled IVF cycle. I have nothing to show for my time, efforts, money except more pain and sorrow. I’ve tried. I’ve tried everything I know…except loosing weight, acupuncture, and whatever and if I had done that then …hey, maybe it would have work.

I hate the blame game, especially when I’m blaming myself.

I have more thoughts about DE and moving to DE and being okay with it, but that’s another post for another day. Mostly, I think I am fine with moving on, except why am I fine with the internet and my SMC friends knowing, but feel like I wouldn’t want my family to know….which has more to do with my own feelings of failure than any support or lack there from them.

And, I decided last night, to not go to my grandmother’s service even without the need to worry about the rest of my cycle. I do feel a small amount of guilt over this, but logistically, I just don’t think I can pull it off. I would need to get myself and Max (because I really really can’t leave him for that long and feel good about it) from home to Northern Michigan by Thursday. This means I would need to leave here no later than Wednesday morning. I just can’t get the tickets, get someone to watch the dog/cat, try to meet up with my cousins (on the other side) in Detroit to get weather appropriate gear for Max; and then drive another 5 hours or so to the service. Assuming no delays or problems, we would have a 6 hour flight with another 5 hours of driving not counting getting to the airport, and not counting the packing. And, not counting all the work I would either need turnover or rather cancel or reschedule for later. If I had another day or two to try to pull things together, I may just be able to do it, but otherwise, I’m just one person trying to do the best I can and attempting this would just put my over the edge right now and I’m too close to going over the top as it is. Plus, two of my sisters (my oldest and my youngest) are already bickering and fighting…started Sunday apparently when my mom and youngest sister took my oldest one out for her Birthday lunch…and now is getting flamed because of the trip for grandma service. I’ll spare you all the petty details, but really THAT was the last deciding straw. I just can’t face having to overcome what already felt like a overwhelming obstacle to go have to listen or be put in the middle of that.

Anyway, just up having a pity party for myself. Stewing. Brooding. Blaming.

I wish I could just truly believe that my latest cancellations and all the ones that came before it this year really just “are” without labeling them. Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, I’m not there yet.

So, I’m left wishing and dreaming. If only. If only. If only.

Where can I get the newer, younger model? I really hate my ovaries (trying to target the hate instead of taking it on in total). I want to trade them in for a new, younger model. Or, at least a set that work.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Good News, Bad News

Max's 18 month check up went well. HE is either on track or advanced in every area. Ped was impressed. No shots.

My ovaries are fucked. I want to trade them in for a new younger model. In spite of ovarian pain and nice CM (cervical mucus), there were now 3 at 8. Last we there were two at 8. Nothing growing. Cancelled. Again. Told them I may check OPK's and come in if I have a surge.

Still haven't decided on whether I'm going to my grandmothers service. I would need to be across country (from California to Northern Michigan) by Wednesday evening for family viewing, Thursday for mass/rosary, and Friday morning for the actual service. I just don't think I can do it in spite of being cancelled. It just isn't enought time to pull things togther.

Feeling tired and wired; happy and sad...all at once.

Sunday, February 18, 2007


I just got word that my grandma died this evening. She was 92. She was my last living grandparent. My dad called yesterday telling me he thought the end was near. When I hreard this, I regretted not making more of an effort over the last few years to see her/spend time with her. I thought about calling my dad and talking to him about trying to go see her before she passed, but hadn't yet had the chance. She was a big part of my childhood, but not a big part of my adult life. She led a full life and died peacefully. I hate that I'm more stressed about the logistics of whether or not to go the the service (no details yet) than mourning her loss. I don't know if I can swing it with work, with Max, cycling (if I don't get cancelled tomorrow), and financially. But, how can I not go. Why make the time now when I couldn't/didn't when she was still alive? I guess I will wait until I know the details to decide. Part of me says, how can you not go. I was already feeling wired after such a difficult afternoon with Max and after eating too much chocolate (that I shouldn't have bought, but hey ..it was on sale), now I'm just plain stressed out. It's already 11 pm. I'm wired and I still haven't even shot up my stims yet (should have done that hours ago). I'm sure I'll be paying early in the morning since I put Max to bed early.

Grandma - May you rest in peace. I love you! I really do think you are in a better place now. I wish we lived closer. I wish I called more. I wished you had a chance to meet Max instead of just see pictures and hear about him. I know you understood that I was busy building/raising my family. I don't think you ever understood how or why I became a mom without being married, but you loved me and were happy for me anyway.

Oh, what to do, what to do. I can't even find time to get the oil changed in my car, take a pee break during work hours, fix the ever growing things that need to be fixed around here, make a phone call about Max's mommy and me class. How can I take the time to fly across country? How can I afford it right now?

Life is too much of a roller coaster right now. I can't take the highs and the lows. I need smooth waters for awhile. I need to get my bearings and my calm back.

Yet, I feel selfish thinking about me and the impact to my life and not worrying about honoring her life.

What’s up?

My appointment on Thursday went fine. I thought Dr. A was going to do it, but Dr. Q came instead. Fluid u/s should uterus is fine. No fibroids. Which is especially good news if I do end up going the DE route. Two small follicles on left. Nothing on right. Dr. Q thought I should scrap the cycle. I told him I needed to think about it. Dr. A was finishing a consult when I was chatting with the receptionist before I left and called me into his office to talk. He thought I should continue stims through the weekend, do another u/s on Monday, before deciding. This was how I was leaning as well so that is what I have done.

I keep alternating between forgetting that I’m stimming and dreading it after I remember. I seriously thought about just not doing it last night, but did. Then, I got so hopeful that maybe THIS cycle would be the one that worked and that maybe both follicles would have good eggs and I would get pregnant with twins. Ha ha ha ha . Temporary insanity. And, since it is early in the year, it is really easy to add 2 (February) with 9 to equal 11 (Nov.) which would be the due date if this cycle worked with a thought that my ex-bf, the one that I came closest to marrying and still keep in contact with, was born in November. Mostly, it just all seems and feels so hopeless right now and I’m not sure why I’m bothering to go through the trouble and disappointment of yet either another cancellation or another negative.

Thursday was my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. The big 41. Feeling old and fat (and tired)! Work was busy and included a performance review where an employee was telling me he was still struggling with his diabetes and depression and how he wanted someone at work to know what he went through to do the job he did and proceeded to tell me about how he was sexually abused as a child, how his first wife died, his second wife was abusive, his third wife is great, but her kids are rude and obnoxious and how he needed to be freed to live up to his potential. I asked what that meant and he didn’t know. I asked what he wanted me to do and he said it was enough that I was just aware for now. That was the worst part of the day. The best part was at the very end of the day getting a beautiful flower arraignment from Max, courtesy of one of my SMC friends. In between that was work, the u/s, and taking Max to dinner with my mom.

Friday, I did six performance reviews back to back with no break, not even to use the potty. Had 30 minutes to make a few phone calls, grab a bite to eat, use the facilities before I conducted an interview. I was so mentally wiped out that I just hibernated Friday night after putting Max to bed.

Yesterday, Saturday, was great. The perfect weekend day with all day to spend with Max, some light gardening while he played, a visit with an SMC friend who has a son Max’s age, a few nice walks with the dog. The perfect day that left me fulfilled and wishing that I could spend every day all day with Max.

Today, I had great plans of trying to go to church again this week, but we just didn’t make it. Our big morning ended up being a trip to get groceries. Max woke up early from his nap crying and fussy and had tantrum after tantrum after tantrum with a brief reprieve during our late afternoon walk and while my mom and sister stopped by for an hour or so to visit. I put him to bed early with his milk spiked with Benadryl, Tylenol, and gas relief. He was ready and didn’t complain one bit. Clearly, he wasn’t feeling well with a buggery nose, didn’t really eat anything, and almost nothing made him happy (for long). Also, he developed another bad rash on Friday that has persisted through the weekend. At one point this afternoon, I just looked at him and had to start laughing as he was having yet another fit wondering who replaced my normally good natured child with this demon one. Makes me appreciate how good I have it most of the time with him.

Haven’t really had the time or felt like being on the computer lately. Plus, my office is an absolute wreck and it stresses me out being in here. It was bad enough earlier in the week with controlled piles that I needed to get to. Then, on Thursday afternoon when I was talking to one of my bosses going through some employee issues going on Max comes in like a tornado throwing things everywhere, climbs up, turns on the piano and starts pounding on it while my mom and Noemi are supposed to be watching him. They come to join us in the office, can see and hear I’m on the phone and do nothing but praise Max. So, I left to go finish my conversation outside…until I was followed there…and then moved again until we were done. Yes, I do have an understanding boss who has two grown sons and several grandchildren he dotes on and just laughed when I told him my office had been invaded and I needed to escape. I must get this office back in order because it is just adding to an already stressful work environment, but don’t know when I’m going to have time. But, that’s one of the reasons I haven’t been on the computer. Too stressful to even be in this room. I’m actually typing this with the lights off so I don’t have to see the mess (not kidding).

Tomorrow, busy, busy work morning then I need to dash out for my follow up u/s and Max’s 18 month ped appt.

So, now you know what’s been up. Not really much. Just same ole, same ole. Life, with it’s ups and downs and middle ground. Except now, I’m another year older.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Bad To Worse

Haven't spent much time on the computer and haven't had much (good) to say lately. Just trudging along.

I’m not usually a negative person, even though I may come across like in on-line or on my blog. After all, it is my place to process and “get it out”.

It just seems like every time I turn around, there is another problem, something else to deal with, bad news, etc. Truly, I’m getting tired of it. In fact, I’m just plain tired.

I’m stimming. Low stim cycle, but am actually feeling a bit of ovarian pressure so maybe I will have actually some response this month. I have an appointment on Thursday so we will see.

A week or so ago (seems like a good place to start), I was headed to the grocery store and was talking on my Bluetooth headset to my cousin on the way. Got to the store, hung up, put it and my cell phone in my purse and did my shopping. Got home. Lost the headset. I was really upset because it was just the latest “thing”. Seems like every time I turn around, it is just the next thing. Late last week, I did a Costco run and they had a Bluetooth for much less than the original and a $30 rebate so I sucked it up and got it. Didn’t even take it out of the box until the weekend, where I basically charged it and left it on the counter. Yesterday, I was packing up to go to the park before work and had an internal dialog with myself about not bringing it because no one would call this early and then I wouldn’t loose it; vs. why have it if you aren’t going to take it/use it and just pay attention to it, be careful it doesn’t fall out of the bag. I decide to take it, put it in the front of my backpack which stayed zipped the entire time we were out. I got home, unloaded, and it was gone. I’m not much for tears, but I almost lost it. I go out to the car, not once, but twice while Max is eating to go look for it. I think about trying to run back to the park to look for it after Noemi comes to look for it, but realize there is absolutely no way I can make that work with my schedule. It is just a little thing, but depressed me all day long. I take us back to the same park this morning and asked the various workers who haven’t seen it, no one has turned it in, and do all I can not to burst into tears. Damn it! F’ing pisses me off. I don’t know how I lost it. I was so careful. I’ve been thinking about replacing my diamond earings that I bought myself last year for my 40th because I really loved them and have been so sad I lost the one, but have pretty much decided not to. Not because I don’t want them, wouldn’t love them, but because I couldn’t take another loss. How sad is that? Okay, that isn’t the only reason, but a big one. I didn’t take some trees out or do a few other things last year so I could splurge and look where it got me.

I haven’t been sleeping great. I’ve forgotten how I can get insomnia while stimming and have glimmer of hope that it means this cycle may not get cancelled for no response. On Sunday night, I decided that I had to finally take a look at my fridge before it died. So, at 9 pm when I’m usually on my way to bed, I’m starting a project. I didn’t really do much but take it apart, clean whatever I could see/reach, clean behind it, below it, and such. Decided that it couldn’t hurt and may help since cleaning the dust bunnies helped get my hairdryer working again. And, it seems to have helped. Fridge is sounding much better and may live for awhile longer.

Anyway, not only have I not been sleeping great. Neither has Max. On Sunday night, he woke up at like 10 pm, 3 am, and 4:45 for good. Last night, I again got to bed late, but not as late as Sunday, and Max woke me up at 11:30, 2:45, and 4:30 for good.

All this to say, that this morning, I seriously almost had a melt down over loosing the damn Bluetooth headset. I’m tired. I’m hormonal. And, I am sick and tired of getting the short end of the straw. I had to do some serious self talk to keep myself from melting down in the parking lot and holding the tears in. So, when Max wanted to climb around the car instead of getting in his car seat, I let him. I just didn’t want to do that battle this morning. I didn’t have it in me. I sat in the back and cleaned up under the seats, picked up fishy’s, bites of dried apple, and other disgusting stuff off the floor, by Max’s car seat, etc. On a whim, I pulled forward the back seat to clean up the food I remember being under there a few weeks ago when I had it up to move some stuff for a friend. And, I found the Bluetooth headset. Couldn’t believe it. I won’t say it made my day, but it gave me hope that maybe things were going to start turning around, maybe things were going to stop being so hard.

I got my latest FSH results this afternoon. Squelched THAT idea. Should have known it was just another small step forward before the next leap back. FSH on Friday, cd2 = 19.2 when previously it was 6.5 before Max and 5.5 when I started trying for #2. And, I realized that I may get a follicle or two if I’m lucky, but the quality will likely suck.

I just feel like I can’t catch a break right now. Same shit, different day.

Now, really life isn’t that bad.

Work is busy. But, mostly in a good way. I got a very nice bonus. We are going through another big re-organization and I will be amazed if my role stays in tack, but not worried about it. Likely, there will be a spot for me when the music ends.

Max is great and growing and developing. And so smart it amazes me. This morning at 4:30 when I told him it was still night night, he told me “pee pee” and pointed to the changing table. So, I changed his diaper. Then, he told me “more” while holding out his milk cup that I had given him at 2:45 with Tylenol that was empty. So, I got him more milk. When I took him back to his room, he said, “no, no, no” while holding his hand on the wall making it hard for me to get into his room. Needless to say, he ended up in my bed watching sports center, playing around, and entertaining me while I lay there trying to wake up.

It just keeping up with the house and the trying for another child that is sucking up every last emotion and energy I have that isn’t left after Max and work.

Going out with the girls tonight. My SMC friends. Looking forward to it. Three of us are trying for a sib with a strike out for each of us this month. I’ll try not to burst into tears, but if I do, I may not be alone.

I’ll take all of the worries and things breaking and even the bad labs if I can get another miracle baby.

If/when this cycle doesn’t work, I’ve decided to take and extended break. Extended 3, maybe 4 months. Try once more with my own eggs. Then, move on.

In honor of my mood, I’m wearing black today. Black panties, pants, shirt.

Yes, I keep telling myself things could be worse. But, why can’t they be getting better? Why can’t I catch a break? FSH of over 19. Yuck. Really can’t get much worse than that.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Slim To Nothing; Bully Me

I found out today that my chances weren’t just slim last month; they really were nothing as I didn’t ovulate after all and had a big cyst just sitting on my ovary that I bullied Dr. Q into aspirating.

I was counting today as cd1 since I didn’t start spotting until around 5 pm last night, but they wanted to call today cd2. Fine. Whatever. Meds are ordered, but I didn’t have time to pick them up so they are being delivered tomorrow.

So, tomorrow, I will try to find time in the late afternoon to run out and get cd3 labs drawn since I am in back to back to back meetings from basically 9 am – 2 pm with no breaks and no lunch (lovely) and hope the meds have arrived by then or that Noemi will really understand when I tell her I need her to stay and sign for the package as opposed to when I explained to her last night that I had an appointment on the other side of town most of the day and could she come 10 – 15 min. early so I could walk out the door right at 8:30 and she showed up 15 minutes late instead.

I’m tired. I’m crabby. I’m sore and crampy. I’m off to bed.

However, before I go I must say that I’m sure that Dr. Q is a competent dr. I’m sure he is, but today during the u/s he originally said the cyst was on my right ovary. I was surprised and asked if he was sure because my right ovary hadn’t done anything since October 2004. Turns out when he went to aspirate it in another room with the chair facing a different way, that he realized (and at least admitted) that it really was on the left ovary, which makes way more sense on many levels. Then, the puncture point was bleeding so he needed to apply pressure for a few minutes and now I’m really sore. I sure hope he didn’t damage the ovary. He has to be competent in doing aspirations since he has supposedly done thousands of retrievals and it is basically the same procedure except you aren’t under anesthesia and there are fewer of them. The reason he didn’t want to do it was because he said they don’t usually do them for IUI’s just IVF’s, they just aren’t that aggressive with IUI’s. With a smile, I said, oh, I’ve had it done before for an IUI (actually on my very first cycle and the fact that I had the cyst and it was aspirated allowed me to end up with my #1 choice instead of my #4 choice in donors, but that’s a story for another day). So, he agreed to do it. Really, I think he didn’t want to do it because he was in a rush to get out of the office and seeing me and doing this procedure was just holding him up. Now, I know that I’m probably being to harsh, and I’m really trying not to compare him to Dr. N who would not have gotten my ovaries mixed up; who offered and gave me the choice of either waiting a cycle or having it aspirated and explained what it meant and the pro’s and con’s so I could make an informed choice and when I decided to do it, I didn’t bleed and wasn’t sore. Dr. Q clearly doesn’t consider himself my RE as he didn’t discuss my protocol or any details or really do anything except try to tell me I should wait this cycle out. Good thing I feel capable of managing my own cycle.

The thing is that I was actually considering not cycling this month after all because my work schedule is so brutal I didn’t see how I was going to get in tomorrow to do the baseline or the monitoring and when I told the nurse coordinator that, she suggested I come in today and scheduled a late afternoon appointment next week for the follicle check and fluid u/s. So, actually, I wouldn’t necessarily have minded not cycling this month but 1) I didn’t like that I wasn’t being given the choice and 2) if that cyst didn’t clear up with a trigger shot, it wasn’t going to clear up by next month and I would be in the same place.

Probably, I should have just let it go and been compliant and said okay rather than pushing for the aspiration when I have such a busy and stressful work month ahead. But, I didn’t.

Probably, my ovary isn’t permanently damaged by the aspiration. It is just bruised and sore.

I wish I had more trust and confidence in Dr. Q. I really do think he is probably capable. Enough so that I’m not demanding to only see Dr. A or switch clinics (to one who wouldn’t let me bully them into what I wanted or doing things my way). But, still I don’t have nearly the confidence in him that I had in Dr. N. Sadly, I probably won’t. And, don’t tell me that Dr. N had more experience when I started seeing him because he didn’t. I was one of his first patients and I knew that at the time, but I liked and trusted him from the very first time I met him during our initial consult.

Okay, enough, enough already. It is a horrible situation. I miss Dr. N. Dr. Q is between a rock and a hard spot with me.

I’m cold. I’m hungry. I’m tired.

I’m going to get a bowl of cereal (since I just remembered I haven’t had dinner yet), eat it during a nice warm bath, take some Tylenol PM and go to sleep. Really this time.

Monday, February 05, 2007


Finally got the results from Saturday’s beta this morning. Negative. As expected. Still a bit like a kick in the gut. So, probably, I didn’t ovulate even with the trigger meaning it was probably a cyst and not an egg producing follicle anyway (explaining why I haven’t gotten my period). Now, I need to decide whether to do the second beta or not. Dr. N would insist on it if I got one before cd 14 even when I never saw the point. However, clearly no one is paying close enough attention to me and my cycles at the clinic to insist on anything. Good thing I never calculated that due date or got my hopes up.

Saturday, February 03, 2007


I was up for a few hours in the middle of last night courtesy of my dog who has been doing this weird anxiety thing with her food bowl in the middle of the night tossing and turning it with her muzzle scattering food everywhere and waking up the entire house. I switched from her big metal bowl that she used to share with Lucky* to a smaller plastic bowl thinking that would help. It didn’t, but made less noise so it didn’t wake up Max, just me. I’m going to pick up the food bowl before I go to bed tonight.

Anyway, while I was up and awake, I was realizing that I do have some cramping still and feeling like I’m going to start my period. It’s been days but not a smidge of spotting. So, got me thinking that maybe there is a small chance this cycle could have worked after all. Then, this afternoon, my neighbor was out smoking cigars with his brother and buddies and it made me slightly nauseous. I mean, I’m not getting my hopes up until I get quantitative beta results, but I was surprised when I thought about it and the answer wasn’t a resounding, no way, impossible. Ah, the last few days of a 2ww is such a mind game.

Consult with Dr. A went fine. Didn’t last long, but we covered everything that we needed to. He agrees that the higher the stims, the worse my response. Assuming this cycle didn’t work, I’m going to do a low stim cycle starting with 4 amps ** and then dropping with a combo of Gonal F and Repronex every day (instead of alternating the Repronex in every other day). I’m going to start Dex with stims or if a miracle occurs and I get a positive beta with this cycle. I’m also going to do another fluid u/s since the my records don’t indicate my fibroids returned, but Dr. N told me they had. Happy to do it, because really I would like to know and it is one of those can’t hurt and may help. Not that I really feel up to another myomectomy right now, but if I do end up going to donor egg and spending that kind of money…I likely would want to try to remove any fibroids…just in case. He made some comment about cycling with IUI or IVF and converting if I had a stellar response. I just laughed and told him Dr. N always gave me the same spiel and agreed that if I had 6 or so follicles in range that I would convert, but I would always tell him not to worry it wouldn’t happen and he would come back and say that he had seen it and then I would say I’d love to have that problem. Dr. A just laughed. He started the consult by apologizing for neglecting me and telling me how valuable (not exactly the word he used but can’t remember it right now) and I told him that I understood and that I didn’t need any information so kept a low profile until things got settled but that he could be sure if I really needed something, I’m not shy.

I saw a friend a few weeks ago who made a comment about one step forward, one step back in terms of just get one thing taken care of and then something else breaks or comes up. I really feel like I’m living that as well. The vacuum is working (at least temporarily) again. However, the motor on the fridge started really sounding bad today and I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t die soon. Now, the fridge isn’t new as I bought it when I moved into my house in November 1995, but still not ready to have to spend the kind of cash needed to replace. And, then, my hair dryer just stopped working. It isn’t new either, but still. I like it and don’t want to have to replace it. I’m hoping I can get it working again. We will see.

It was a nice Saturday with Max. We didn’t do much, but I think we both need days like that every now and again. Having said that, thank god, the neighbor boy called over and he and Max played for about 40 minutes before dinner. It was just the diversion Max needed because no matter how much I play with Max, it isn’t the same as another kid. See another reason he needs a sibling. Max’s face just lit up when he saw Anthony and chased him around and followed him around and laughed at his antics. Good for both boys…Anthony to be hero worshiped and Max to have someone around to hero worship.

Max really seems to have good language comprehension. This afternoon we were outside and I wanted to take the long sleeve shirt off of Max and just let him run around in the short sleeve one since it was a beautiful day. When I told Max that, he came right over so I could do it. He really knew what I was talking about. Now don’t get too impressed with his listening skills because it is much more likely that when I ask him to do something or tell him he can’t, he throws a complete fit. This morning, we went to a park that has a basketball court. Normally, when we go, it is just us. Today, there were two full court games going on. Max went right over and wanted to play/run out onto the court. I told him he couldn’t play, he was too little, and he could only watch. You should have seen the fit he had. I picked him up and sat him on the bench and we watch a bit. Then, he made a move for the court again and had another fit when I again told him he could not play, but one of the guys smiled at him and said hi and he mellowed out and just sat there watching for a bit longer. He is starting to use two word sentences like “car bye bye” when either we are going someplace or we are walking and he sees a car pull out of a garage or driveway. Max will say, "City...no, no, no" while crying that City is leaving or "no, no bye bye" when he's not so upset over the fact. Last night, he got the soap from the bathroom sink, threw it in the trash can and said “bye bye”. I guess he has the bye bye concept down.

Anyway, still feeling very crampy as I sit here typing, but the intensity comes and goes a bit. Tomorrow, we are going to a friends house so the day will be pretty scheduled and go fast. Helps with the waiting and keep the mind games to a minimum.

Okay, I have to confess before I sign off that I actually went for a beta this morning, hoping that if it was positive, I would get some news and not have the torture of waiting until Tuesday (since I won’t be able to drop off blood until after 3 pm PT on Monday), but never got the results today. Sigh. Even though it was marked STAT, I’m not sure if it didn’t get sent to the clinic or everyone had left or what. Dr. A knew I was waiting and he said he would check before he left, but he could have gotten busy and forgotten or they weren’t there. I could email, but it wouldn’t do any good because if he actually got the results, he would have called. This is where it gets hard and I have to balance my natural inpatients with understanding for Dr. A’s situation (me not being Dr. A’s patient and him being impossibly busy and my history not being with him, but Dr. N) and missing Dr. N. If Dr. N knew I was waiting for a beta, he would have tracked it down before he left or if I emailed him. It’s something I don’t feel comfortable emailing Dr. A about would have Dr. N. The whole situation just sucks, but now is not the time to be a pain in the ass patient no matter how much I may feel like it.

And, so I wait. These last few days. To see. If maybe, just maybe, this cycle worked.

* Next month will be the one year anniversary of Lucky’s death. I still miss her and can tear up thinking about it, but not in the gut wrenching pain of loss of the first few months. Max has played with our neighbors son a few times recently who keeps saying Lucky died. It doesn’t really upset me because I know it is his way of processing it and I think he is 5 (isn’t 5 considered the death year?), but it does make me sad that she isn’t here. Then, I look at the photo on the fridge of Max and Lucky the day before Lucky died and I remember how sick she was.

** He gave me the option of staring with 6 or 4 amps and I picked 4. After the call, I’ve been thinking that maybe 3 would be better – 2 Gonal F 1 Repronex.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Quote Of The Day

The funniest quote I heard today comes from one of my bosses when he told me I was going to have to take some yoga classes so I could be flexible enough while being wrapped around Max’s finger to not get hurt. LOL. Yes, something I really do need to be worried about and one of the many reasons I want Max to have a sibling. I think we need triangulation which happens naturally in a married couple. Maybe not all mom and kid families need triangulation, but I do think mine does. I just think things will get too intense and it will be to easy for me to spoil him without another person in the family to stir thing up a bit. In regards to being wrapped around Max’s fingers, Max is such a charmer I can see it easily happening. I’ve actually told my friends that when they see it, to please point it out to me since, I’m sure he will easily manipulate me without me even being aware as he grows.

In other news, I seem to be in less of a funk now that I have identified and able to articulate what it was that was bringing me down. Yes, still a bit sad, but in a more aware way. Consult tomorrow. Beta Monday.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Figuring Out The Funk

While I was doing nothing tonight, I identified the root cause of the funk I have been in. I don’t know why it didn’t hit me sooner, since it has been in the back of my mind for awhile. Today is February 1st. Not only will be turning 41 in 15 days, if I had not had the latest miscarriage, I would be getting ready to go out on maternity leave any day now. I was due on February 15th. My 41st Birthday. I would have loved that for a birthday present. I always wanted a February baby. Instead, I’m still trying. No closer now than I was a year ago to having a second child with the likelihood of me ever having another biological child pretty darn slim. There you have it. Not a darn thing to be done except keep on getting on since I’m not ready to quit. You can’t win if you don’t play the game, but the game really does suck most of the time. I’m sad for the child that never was. I’m sad for the actual loss as well as the loss of the hopes and dreams that go with it.

I was also thinking that for the first cycle ever, I haven’t looked up my due date if it works. In the past, I haven’t been able to help myself. This cycle, I have no desire to know. I never even thought about looking it up until now ¾ of the way through the 2ww. It is enough that my ovaries actually did something this month.

Anyway, I miss you baby that never was for all that you could have been and brought to our family.

I miss the loss of my dream of have siblings close in age growing up together. I tried so hard for that and in my heart I know that there is nothing I could have done to make that happen that I didn’t try. I’ve tried every chance I had in every cycle I had where there was anything remotely viable to work with.

I’m sad that I’m not in the home stretch and putting the final preparations together for my birthday baby.

The Nothing Post

I’m sure if I thought about it, I could find something meaningful to post about, but I’m tired/mind numb at the moment. I had a good idea for a post yesterday. Ah, yes, it is coming back to me about how sleep begets sleep. Max is in a weird sleep pattern. Shorter naps and a bit longer at night, BUT he is waking up on and off at night crying for a minute or two or even a few more before falling back to sleep. This of course wakes me up for a bit while I listen and determine if intervention is needed or not, pee since I am already awake, let the dog out to pee (since she is so old now that using the doggie door is hard for her). Between Max and the dog who has decided to eat at 3 am and for some reason move around his metal bowl on my tile floor so loudly that I can hear it across the house and waking me up, I haven’t had a good night sleep in awhile. But that, all and all, I think I actually get more sleep, but am more tire and sleep after having Max. Hmmmm.

I have some cute pics of Max that I haven’t unloaded from the camera yet. One of him this weekend playing in a puddle with a ball. Like doesn’t get any better than that for him. The two things he loves most. Water and Balls. He is actually getting quite good at making baskets with all different sizes and weights of balls.

One of Max’s other favorite activities these days is chasing the cat. The cat is quite tolerant and doesn’t seem to mind most of the time. In the past, the cat would be the one trying to get Max to do the chasing. Max will start crying and tell City ‘no, no, no’ when he walks/runs away from him. Then, Max will usually go over to Shadow and give her a big hug instead since Shadow almost never moves away from Max even when he is sitting or bouncing or doing a full body hug. Max, be nice to your doggie, she is old. You are hurting her. You can’t bounce/lay on your doggie are very familiar refrains around here. Poor Shadow. I think she loves the attention, but that Max does hurt her. Come on, she’s 16 now and Max is 25 lbs.

Still in a hibernate, don’t feel like talking or hanging out with friends moods. Finished my last good book and have been zoning out in front of the TV (for a rare change). Cleared out most of what I wanted to watch off the DVR. Sigh.

Nothing going on. Nothing new. No knew news. Got nothing to say about anything today! Got to wrap this up and turn off my computers so I can go spend time with Max* and then do nothing once I put him to bed.

As I’ve been typing this getting crampy and light my periods will be here soon. Here’s to betting that it comes by the weekend. Unlike some, I’ll get a period taking huge amounts of progesterone or not. I’ll still wait for beta until stopping, you know, just in case an all.

There you have it…my post about nothing.

* I would say do nothing with Max, but that is an impossibility and something he would never let me get away with although has he ages he takes much less time and attention. We will do our nightly walk and then play a bit before bed time. One of the amazing things about Max (maybe it is like this with all kids?) is how he reminds me that it isn’t the destination, but the journey that is important.