Tuesday, December 28, 2004


I don’t know what to say about IUI#3 except that in hindsight, it was a mistake. I don’t regret it because I know that based on all of the information I had at the time; I would have made the same decision again. IUI#3 was 6 weeks from my fibroid surgery and even though I thought going in that I was ready to cycle again. I wasn’t. For the first time ever, the IUI hurt and I had cramping and spotting after it. I went home and just laid in bed for a few hours afterwards. I had cramping on and off almost the entire 2ww. Beta number one came in at .16. Beta number two was .15. When I had my consult with my doctor after IUI#3 and in preparation for IVF#1, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said “no” and we left it at that. What was there to say? I pressured my doctor into letting me cycle at 6 weeks instead of a full 8 weeks or two months and I shouldn’t have. It was a mistake.

Here is a very long email that I posted to the SMC-TTC list that explain some of my thoughts around IUI#3

I am having a very difficult time making a decision about what to do
with my next cycle. My dr. is recommending an inj IUI cycle with 1 amp of Gonal F for 7 days (which gives me a 20% chance of success), but said he would also be comfortable with another clomid cycle (which gives me a 10 - 15% chance of success), or a natural a cycle (at 5%), or even move to IVF (50%). In many ways, the move to IVF is appealing because it will give me a better feel for the quality of my eggs. However, I have ruled out the natural or IVF cycle at this point and decided to give another go round of IUI (at least today). If I knew my eggs were crap (or should I say are in line with the statistic that at age 38, 75% of all eggs are not chromosomally viable), I would have no problem moving to the Gonal F. I have no fear of shots or pouring extra, fake hormones into my body. But, because Gonal F causes more eggs to be produced and released (thus increasing the chances of success) and if I have good or better than average egg quality, it is also more likely to cause multiples. I don't have the percent for twins, but was quoted 5% chance of triplets (compared to 1% for clomid). The problem is that statistics are just that statistics. Someone has to fall into the 95% and someone has to fall into the 5%.

The good news is that I have tried twice and believe that I have conceived twice one unconfirmed, one confirmed). However, this is the reason I am having such a difficult time with this decision. I am concerned about multiples. I could live with twins, but it would be difficult and it is not my first choice as a single mom. Does the fact that I can seemingly conceive give more or less credence to the loss(es) being chromosomal in nature and/or increase my odds of multiples? I think I am asking a question that can't be answered.

Assuming scar tissue doesn't become an issue, I have rule out the last potential environmental issue with my myomectomy earlier in the month. I have had one immunity test (natural killer cell) that came back in range and have blood drawn tomorrow for the blood clotting immunity issue. I have decided that if the blood clot immunity test comes back out of range (which is unlikely), I will go with a clomid cycle with 2 potential factors, fibroids and immunity, either likely to have caused the loss resolved). However, if it comes back in range, I really don't know what to do. ince I started this ttc path, I have always been so sure and the decisions have been relatively easy. I just "knew" I was on the right path. Everything felt "right" and I have been at peace with all of my decisions. The problem here is that I just don't like any of my current choices and none (so far) leaves me at peace.

Some other considerations are as follows: 1) my insurance only covers 3 IUI's (and the next one is #3) at an 80/20 arraignment. After that, I either need to move to IVF (for my 1 covered IVF cycle) or pay 100% out of pocket which would about equal the amount of my co-payment for an IVF cycle). This is a big part of the pressure I am feeling for this to "work", but not work too well; 2) after try #1, we found out that even with clomid I have a luteal phase defect and my progesterone was too low to sustain a preg. 3) my day 3 FSH was 6.5 and estradiol was 31 when tested in March 2004.


Ultimately, I decided to do an injectable IUI with 2 amps of Repronex/Pergonal. I was glad that I had done an injectable cycle before moving to IVF because it made it a lot less stressful since I had already mix vials and injected shots, etc.

I started out with 5 follicles on cd9, which reduced to 3 at the next ultrasound, which reduced to 2 at the time of the IUI. I guess that was the first sign that I would have a lead dominate follicle issue, but the Lupron was supposed to take care of that.

It is funny in hindsight that I was worried about the cycle working “too well”. Oh well, you live and you learn.

I’m not sure what I would have done if my doctor didn’t let me do an IUI in September. Probably, I would have gone for IVF in October. But, maybe not. Maybe I would have chickened out at the last minute and just done the injectable IUI then.

IUI#3. Probably, the biggest mistake of my ttc journey.

1st OB u/s - Good News!

My doctor took pity on me and let me come in today for my first OB Ultrasound. My friend Heather came with me. I was so worried. The good news is that we saw one sac and one yolk sac. Ovaries and tubes look good and clear. I was/am so relieved. Since I have been spotting and cramping my doctor did say that my chances of miscarriage are increased. Based on seeing the sac today he said 75% chance of successful pregnancy 25% chance of miscarriage. The odds get better next week if/when we see the heartbeat. When my doctor responded to my email from yesterday saying I could come in today, I almost didn’t want to go I was so afraid of bad news. I am so glad that I did. I am calm for now and back to feeling like maybe this could work out. I hope the spotting and cramping stays away. The house is still a wreck with the dishwasher still full of clean dishes, more dirty dishes pilled up, and more clothes laying around. The rain has temporarily stopped so I feel like I should go take the dogs out while I can rain free. But, I think I will go take a nap instead. Wow. I am really happy. This is the “most” pregnant I have ever been.

My fibroid surgery

I guess it is time to stop wallowing in the here and now and catch up on the rest of my ttc story.

My fibroid surgery was on August 4, 2004.

After my miscarriage, my doctor recommended having my fibroids removed. We will never really know what caused that miscarriage, but a recent study showed that people with small fibroids like mine can cause miscarriage 50% of the time. I have copied below some of the links I used to research the subject.

Small Fibroids May Increase Miscarriage Risk:

Uterine Fibroids (Benign Tumors Of The Uterus):

Obstetrics and Gynecology, December 2001 Journal Scan (See 2nd Article);
A Prospective Controlled Study of the Effect of Intramural Uterine
Fibroids on the Outcome of Assisted Conception:

Mayo Clinic; Uterine Fibroids:

When my dr. recommended the surgery, I agreed. If that could have been the cause, I wanted them gone. I didn’t want to EVER have to experience another miscarriage. Plus, it was action. Something to do. And, if I had to do the surgery, what a better time then when my cousin was here to visit. We couldn’t get the scheduling down with my dr., the assistant surgeon, and the hospital until August 4th, which was after my cousin was supposed to go home. She agreed to stay with her two younger children and only Elizabeth, who was starting high school and need to get back for band camp went home as scheduled. It was really great to have my cousin here. She was a great advocate at the hospital and I didn’t have to worry about my dogs.

In preparation for the surgery, although my doctor said nothing was needed, I started swimming every day. We had a trip already planned to go to Lake Arrowhead for 4 – 5 days and it was great to get away. The dogs and I and some of the kids slept outside on the deck under the stars. I remember sitting out on the deck watching the sun set one night enjoying a glass of wine and thinking that I would give anything in the world to still be pregnant.

The official name of my surgery was exploratory laparotomy with abdominal myomectomy. This was the first time I was going to stay in the hospital. I had outpatient knee surgery several years ago, but had never required overnight in a hospital. I was a bit nervous, but not freaked. I was told to plan on being in the hospital 2 or 3 nights. I had to be mobile, eating solid food, and able to pass gas in order to leave the hospital. I ended up being there 2 nights. The surgery was a little over 2 hours long and they found four fibroids instead of the expected two. He needed to make two incisions into the uterus because one of the fibroids was on the top and the other three were on the bottom. I was fortunate that none of the fibroids were in the uterine cavity so he didn’t need to cut into it. Because of this, I don’t have to worry about scar tissue. While he was in, he also did the dye test to help locate the fibroids and my tubes were all clear.

It’s funny. The anesthesiologist asked me if I wanted an epidural or general anesthesia, but recommended the epidural. When my doctor found out, he asked me if I requested it. I had to laugh, but told him, “no, the anesthesiologist recommended it”. I thought that I was getting the epidural with a twig light sleep, but when I read my surgery report, I realized that I was also given general anesthesia. I guess the anesthesiologist didn’t run the epidural idea by my doctor before he suggested it. The very first thing I remember thinking as I was waking up from the surgery was “OMG, I’m paralyzed. I can’t feel my legs or feet.” Then, I remembered that I had the epidural. They left the epidural in until the night before I left and gave me all my meds through it. I was supposed to get up and try to walk the morning after the surgery, but my legs were still numb and I couldn’t move them. I was weaned off the epidural that day and was slowly walking by the second night.

When I was in the recovery room, I remembered hearing this lady yelling and screaming and panicked. A few hours after I was moved from recovery into my room, they brought this lady in as my roommate. She was old and almost blind and hard of hearing. She was completely disoriented and out of it. I took one look at my cousin and said “this is NOT going to work”. My cousin arraigned for me to be moved to another room. It looked like I was going to be roommate free, but no such luck. Late that night, another lady was brought in who didn’t speak English. I’m not sure what she was in for, but think she came in to emergency and was admitted. She was given some sort of medication that she had an allergic reaction to and almost died. Or, at least that is how it seemed to me in the next bed. She was having trouble breathing and couldn’t properly communicate because she didn’t speak English. With people running in and out half the night, I am sure that I got little or no sleep that night. The next day, twenty or so of her closest friends and relatives came to visit. The most annoying thing was that her husband kept opening the curtain to my portion of the room and looking in on me and then leaving it open so people could see in as they passed by. It was creepy and gross. My cousin worked with the nurse to get me moved to a private room the second night. This was much better.

I was told to expect a clear liquid diet at first. I took this to mean water. When a tray was brought to me that night, I asked, “Do I have to eat that?” I was told I should at least try, but took one whiff of the soup and vomited. I was already feeling a bit nauseous and that put me over the edge. I was given nausea medicine and then more nausea medicine before it finally came under control. My nurse had some medicine in pill form that I was supposed to take. Just thinking of it made me want to vomit again. I told her that it wasn't a good idea and I didn't think I would keep it down. She came back with another alternative that was fed into my epidural. I think I had the clear liquid diet for the next two meals and was able to keep it down so was upgraded the second night to solid foods.

I also started to sit up outside of bed and slowly walk around the room my second night. The problem was that I accidentally stepped on my catheter and partially pulled it out. My nurse was swamped and her nurse’s aid called in sick to work so my cousin finally found another nurse to help out. He was a young Asian nurse and said he would be glad to help as long as I didn’t mind a male nurse. I laughed and said, at this point, it was fine by me. He did whatever was needed and removed the catheter. My nurse came in a few hours later and removed the epidural.

My surgery was Wednesday late morning and I was home by Friday afternoon.

The morning of my surgery, I was up early waiting. I was told not to walk the dogs because of the chance of dehydration. I was bored and decided to go re-read the profile of my donor. After the m/c, I needed to order more sperm, but was told that my #1 guy was no longer available. He was so limited that the remaining vials were being reserved for siblings of women already with children. However, I was pleased to find out that 4 vials of my #2 guy was available and pre-purchased them. However, the morning of my surgery as I pulled up his profile, I though the number sounded a bit off. I called and left a message for the nurse practitioner at my sperm bank saying that I was probably over anxious because I was going in for the surgery, but I wanted to confirm that I had bought four vials of the right guy. Since I was going to be in the hospital for a few days, would she just confirm by leaving a message on my cell phone. It turns out that I DID buy the wrong guy. I don’t know if I made a mistake or the person on their end did, because the first 2 digits were the same, but the third was a 3 and supposed to be an 8 (or something like that). With exchanged messages and cell phone calls from the hospital bed, we got it all worked out and they kindly swapped it out for 4 vials of my #1 guy. Once again, by some fluke of the fates, I got him again against the odds.

When I first went to my doctor, I thought I would have to have my fibroids removed before trying to conceive. We agreed to not at the time because of their location and size. However, I was very pleased with my doctor’s surgery experience. As an OBGYN, he specialized in women with ovarian and uterine cancer and treating them so that they didn’t lose their fertility. I was glad that he was the one to do my surgery because of his experience and because I trusted him to preserve my fertility.

I am glad the fibroids are gone and hope they stay that way.

It is REALLY raining. It is REALLY pouring.

It is and has been raining so hard since yesterday that I decided NOT to hike with my dogs this morning and just took them around the neighborhood instead. I can’t really ever remember doing that. Maybe once. I do have a few trails that aren’t too bad or dangerous when it is raining, but I was worried about even getting to those trails today. We have flood, thunderstorm, and mud slide warnings in affect. They are recommending that if you don’t have to be out to stay home. So, it was just a neighborhood walk instead because of the potential danger and hazards. Even with that (and I had boots and full rain gear on), we were all drenched. Through the boots into the socks. Through the rain pants. Through the rain coat.

Today is trash day. There is so much water trying to drain off that it is carrying off trash bins. I saw one go sliding along for two houses until it ran into a car, stopping it. It was common to see four and five trash bins all lumped together turned around or tipped over. Here all trash pick up is “automated” where the truck comes with two metal arms and “lifts” the bin dumping the contents into the truck. There is only one trash collector who drives the truck. There is no way that most people’s trash is getting picked up today. I saw one trash truck just leaving the neighborhood, probably shaking his head because it is such a mess.

Complete intersections in my neighborhood are flooded up past ankle deep, which is why my boots and socks got soaked.

I was thinking of going shopping or to a movie today, but maybe I will just stay home and go into cave mode instead. It will probably just get worse from here on out if we get as much rain as predicted. We have rain in the forecast for as long as they are predicting, through next Monday at least. If they are right and we don’t get any let up, it is going to be a dangerous mess here. In some ways I am glad that I have the week off for vacation. On the other hand, what a waste of a vacation week since I will probably be house bound for most of it.

Monday, December 27, 2004

It's Raining. It's Pouring.

I had a nice nap since I posted a few hours ago. I still haven’t heard back from my dr. so I guess I won’t be going in today for a lookie see. Drat!! I read on my clinic’s discussion board that emails are getting bounced back so maybe he didn’t even get it. If not, too bad I can’t recall it back. I am currently only mildly cramping and haven’t spotted again since this morning. Therefore, I am not feeling so worried and panicked.

One of the things I purchased when running around with a friend yesterday was this new alarm clock that has nature sounds to help you fall asleep. It has beach, forrest, and something else. I find the beach surf sounds very relaxing. It has gotten lots of use already with two naps under its belt and when I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I put it back on and I actually fell back asleep. The best $20 I ever spent.

It has been drizzling on and off all day, but finally the rain is really starting to come down. Maybe it will let up before I need to give the dogs their evening walk. Our forecast for this week is rain, rain, rain, rain, rain. How depressing. I’m glad I got a new raincoat a few weeks ago and that my rain pants are fitting a bit better since I have lost about 5 – 10 lbs since last rainy season.

I have done NOTHING around the house. Dishwasher still full of clean dishes. Dirty dishes piling up around the kitchen. Laundry sorted on the bedroom floor. Hasn’t made it into the washing machine yet.

I have nothing better to do than clean up, but I don’t think I will. Maybe I will go put on the rain gear and go take the dogs for an early walk then determine if 1) I should climb back in bed and watch t.v. 2) I should hang out on the computer for a few hours and catch up since I haven’t had time or felt like being on it for days 3) get motivated to clean up around here.

My Christmas Eve/Christmas

If you want a nice, happy, upbeat story, I would stop reading now. A sad, depressing, worried story is all I have in me right now. You were forewarned.

I ended up spending Christmas Eve at my sister Kris’s house. She lives in Camarillo about 40 minutes (without traffic) from my house. My mom, who also lives in Camarillo, drove to my house that morning so she could drive back to Camarillo with me a few hours later. When I questioned the logic of that I was told it was so that she could drink without having to worry about driving. Whatever! It was just a small affair with me, my mom, my sister, and my mom’s friend Sue.

This was my sisters first “big” meal and she had the timing all off and dinner wasn’t served until around 7:45 pm. At 4, I did mention to my sister that the roast probably took a few hours to cook and she might want to think about putting it in the oven. I was ignored. Finally, I got to leave around 9:30 pm or so. It was some of the longest hours of my life.

I started spotting again right before I left my house that afternoon. I also started cramping. While I have been cramping and spotting on and off, that was the first time I was spotting and cramping at the same time. As the evening wore on, I felt worse and worse. I ended up telling everyone that I must have got the stomach flu or something and just laid on the couch miserable and wanting to go home. I didn’t even go to the table to eat dinner. Really, I just wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to go home, but I also didn’t want to ruin my mom’s holiday. I thought about telling them I was pregnant and thought I was miscarrying. I didn’t. My mom would have been too worried for me (although she would have left immediately) and I just couldn’t take the worry I would cause her. My sister would have even been more pissed at me for ruining “her” holiday and her first Christmas in her new house.

I thought about calling my dr., but didn’t because why ruin his holiday when there was nothing really to be done. If I was home, I probably would have taken some of that Tylenol with Codeine that my dentist gave me for the tooth infection and my RE said would have been fine to take. I don’t know if I did m/c, but I felt really, really bad.

The funniest thing about the whole evening was that my sister didn’t eat any of the red potatoes, which I had pulled myself off of the couch to help her out and make, and sent them all home with mom and I because she was afraid of getting the flu since I had made them. I am sure she also sanitized her house immediately after I left. She didn’t exactly say so, but I know her well enough to know that she was very unhappy that I was such a wet blanket and had the nerve to bring germs into her house. What a bitch! She didn’t even bother to come to my house on Christmas day like she was supposed to. She didn’t even call. Whatever! I was glad that she didn’t, but I think my mom was sad.

The other funny thing was when we got home, my mom told me that she was getting a bit queasy as well and she hoped she wasn’t getting the flu. I didn’t say anything, but laughed a bit inside at that.

Christmas day, it was just mom and I. I mostly laid on the couch all day. I still wasn’t feeling that great. I had bought a Honey Baked Ham and some of their cheese potatoes so all I had to do was steam some broccoli and heat and serve. I only had the broccoli. Nothing else sounded good. Maybe I was starting to actually believe my own flu story. A friend told me that maybe that was a good “sign” that I hadn’t miscarried. We didn’t even sit at the table to eat.

Yesterday, I dropped my mom off at the airport. I am sure that she was even more thrilled than normal to get out of town and go to Michigan to see her sister, my sister Cindy and her family, and all my cousins. They are more interesting and fun than I am when I am feeling good and not such a downer to be around. I was happy to see her off and have the week to myself to worry or not without watchful eyes.

I met up with a friend after dropping my mom off and had a late breakfast/early lunch. We did a bit of running around after that and then I came home, took a nap, walked the dogs, and climbed back in bed to watch t.v for the rest of the night.

I had decided that I am much more positive about this pregnancy working when I am NOT spotting or cramping so I took to wearing black undies and taking Tylenol at the first sign of cramping. That was effective for about a day and a half.

I started spotting (the most so far) and cramping again this morning. I wrote another email to my dr. asking if it was still too early to come in for an u/s; letting him know that I was still cramping and spotting; and asking once again if this could possibly be normal before crawling back in bed for a few more hours. I decided that a big mac, French fries and a 1/3 of a box of See’s candy was a good lunch choice and indulged in that while checking once again to see if my dr. had responded to my latest email. He hasn’t. Now, I just feel more gross and sick.

I am so tired of the few people who know about this pregnancy (and that I have talked to) telling me that I need to be more positive and that I can’t go around worrying the whole pregnancy, that it will be what it will be, or worse that it will be okay. How the hell do they know? I am not worried the whole time, just when I am spotting and cramping, which has been WAY too often for my liking and way of thinking. Maybe this really is a viable pregnancy; I am just finding it harder and harder to believe. As I told my dr. in my latest email, if it isn’t viable, I just want to find out sooner rather than later so I can put it behind me and move on. I don’t know what a “normal” pregnancy feels like, but I don’t think this is it. How do you not worry when your last (and one and only) pregnancy to date ended in an early m/c and you have been spotting and cramping with this one. I don't think it is a unreasonable to be worried like I keep getting told. Maybe I am just neurotic and paranoid? Or maybe I am a realist? Time will tell.

I wish that I could “enjoy” my pregnancy and could be happy about it like I keep getting told. Right now, I just can’t. Let them walk in my shoes and still say that. In my heart, I don’t think that it really will work out. I don’t like the implications for that since the only possible cause at this point would be crappy eggs. Not crappy enough not to fertilize, just crappy enough not to actually make it to a clinical pregnancy.

I hope I am wrong. I would love to be proved wrong on this one. I really would. I just don’t think I will be.

That was my Christmas. One for the record books. I think I will go climb back in bed for awhile.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Emotionally Exhausted

I am 5w0d today. This is when I started to miscarry with my first pregnancy this summer. I started cramping last night pretty bad. Tylenol only dulled the pain, didn’t eliminate it. The only thing that kept me from completely freaking is that I have had no spotting or bleeding of any kind. I have been so worried about loosing this baby. I knew this week was going to be hard enough to get through and the cramping isn’t helping one bit. I think I have reached my worry threshold, at least for the moment. I am emotionally exhausted. This pregnancy will be what it will be and no amount of worrying and fretting and even praying will do any good. At this point, laws of nature take over. If the embryo (or is it a fetus at this point?) is viable, the pregnancy will move forward and I will see the sac and heartbeat in a week or two. If it isn’t, there is nothing I can do to change or affect the outcome. It really will be what it will be. I wish I could predict the future, but I can’t and I guess I just have to learn to live with that.

The thing is, I still don’t feel pregnant. How does it feel to be pregnant? I have heard that when you are pregnant, your symptoms usually follow the same symptoms you have with your monthly period. So, I shouldn’t be so surprised that I am having cramps. That is my A-#1 monthly period symptom. Too bad that you don’t get to pick which ones you want. Cramping is too much like a miscarriage symptom for my liking. Why couldn’t I have extreme tiredness or nausea or morning sickness? It seems to me like those are at least more reassuring that you really are pregnant and will probably stay that way than cramping.

I don’t like the cramping symptom. I would like to trade it in for another one.

Like I said, at least I am not bleeding or spotting. That would be bad. Very, very bad.

I sent my doctor a pathetic email this morning.

Dr. N - The very light spotting and mild cramping that I asked you about last week went away 3 – 4 day ago supporting the theory that it was being caused by implantation. Then, yesterday evening, I started getting sharp, intense cramping that are still as sharp, but not quite as intense at the moment. Very similar to menstrual cramps and or what I felt when I started m/c last time. Tylenol dulled it a bit, but didn’t take it away. No spotting or bleeding of any kind right now or for the last few days. Other than possible impending doom, what can cause this? Do you have a good OB type book that you would recommend or a web page that I could read that gives more detail? The What to Expect When You are Expecting or Your Pregnancy Week by Week are just too general for me and only really talk about the “what”, not the “why”. I don’t suppose that another beta or an u/s right now would give us any useful and positive information at this point? I am sure that I am just being extra paranoid and worried because I am 5w0d today which is when I started m/c last time and this cramping really isn’t helping any. I know that only time is going to tell whether this is going to work out or not and the chances, if I am going to m/c again of it happening in the exact same week as last time have to be minimal (okay, I didn’t actually read that anywhere and just made that theory up), have to be fairly slim especially since the fibroids are no longer there and all my immunity testing checked out. I still don’t feel pregnant (not especially tired, no nausea, etc.) or have any other symptoms that I haven’t told you about. Any good theories or reasons, other than m/c, that can be causing my current cramping? Debbie

If the cramping is mid line and not accompanied by bleeding it might just be pulling on the ligaments. You’re right about another beta. Try to remain positive. If the bleeding or cramping gets more severe let me know. An ultrasound would not show us anything at this point either.
As far as good information about week to week, there is nothing that great out there. “What to expect..” is probably the best one, but like you said it is a bit more general.


There you have it. I will try to remain calm and positive. Emotionally, I have to move past this fear and worry. And, it is hard.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

4w5d and NBHHY

Today, I am 4w5d. I have been keeping busy and out of the house. It is nice that I am on vacation this week and can do that. Good distractions. I’m still a bit worried about m/c and jinxing myself, but am trying to take it all in stride. My first OB u/s is scheduled for Wednesday, 12/29. My friend Heather is going to go with me for moral support. I will only be 5w6d at that point so the chance of seeing a heartbeat is very, very small, but I at least want to see if there is a sac or not. Still cautiously optimistic and vacillate between wanting to guard the secret “just in case” and shouting the news from the rooftop. I think maybe I have not had any spotting or cramping in 24 hours. However, I have been having a pinching on my left side. I will be surprised if that is not where the embryo nestled in. I’m still watching out for ectopic pregnancy signs, but I feel it more in the uterus area, not the ovary area. I keep reminding myself that I don’t have the fibroids this time to kill off my little embryo. I have tested negative on all of the immunity testing. The egg was good enough to fertilize against the odds. This has a good chance of working out. I really hope that by next Christmas I will have a 3 month old infant.

I was looking back at the calendar from my m/c cycle. I started spotting and cramping, which was very different than the spotting and cramping I have had with this cycle, on 5w0d. When it started last time, I just knew in my heart that it was the beginning of the end. I went in for a few more betas and a u/s to double check for a sac before they decided I should stop meds. At 5w5d, I actually m/c or got my period. This next week is going to be a hard one to get through.

I was out to dinner with a friend last night. She wants me to be happier and more positive than I can be right now. Don’t get me wrong, I am THRILLED to be pregnant. When I was pregnant the first time, I was so happy. I can’t even describe the joy and excitement I felt. I knew that there was a chance of miscarriage, but in my heart didn’t really think it would/could happen to me. I went into planning mode and had things all set up and squared away for the pregnancy and beyond. When I miscarried, I was just devastated. I know that it was so early. But, it was a loss and an emotional pain such that I had never felt before. I just can’t be as excited and happy as I was the first time. I know all too well that things can go wrong. As my friend pointed out, things can go wrong at any step of the way. There are no guarantees. She asked, “Am I going to be able to enjoy it at all and when?” I am enjoying it, just in a much different and more cautious way than last time. I am not planning too far ahead this time. I’m just planning to the next step. I’m only planning until next Wednesday and my first OB u/s at this point. If I make it past that, I will plan the next step.

In my reading along the ttc journey, I have found that women who have m/c tend to be anxious and waiting for the other shoe to drop until they get past the time of their loss. For me, that is next week. I hope I make it that far. I know I will feel much better when and if I see the sac and heartbeat. Then, I think I will be able to relax a little, enjoy a bit more, and start to really believe that this could have a good outcome. In another blog of someone who has struggles with ttc, she coined a phrase “NBHHY” or nothing bad has happened yet. I keep reminding myself of that. I am living by that. I hope that by next week at this time I can once again say NBHHY.

I am still cautious enough that I haven’t actually purchased anything for the baby to be yet. It is still way too early, in my mind, for that. However, I did accept several items from my friend Heather that she has been saving in her garage for me. When I called to tell her that I was pregnant, she said congratulations! We both laughed when I heard her husband yell in the background, “Good, have her come get that stuff out of the garage that we have been saving for her”. I am trying to work through my paranoia of having too much baby paraphernalia this early. And, I know how annoying it can be to have something around that you don’t want anymore and just want out of the way. When my sister moved last year, several of her things got put at my house temporarily. I just got rid of the rest of it this week (over a year later) when I physically put it in my car and drove it to her house. So, I loaded the stuff up today (we went shopping and had lunch together in Santa Monica) before I headed home. I am now the proud owner of a changing table, a swing, a bouncy seat, a nursing pillow, and a bed extender (can’t remember the official name) for when the baby is first born and you are nursing frequently. This is added to the car seat and stroller she had already given me and the pack-n-play, booster seat/high chair, and stroller my sister bought to use “when she was here”. Yikes, I already have a lot of stuff and haven’t even bought anything yet.

I hope this works out and I won’t be looking at all of this stuff any longer than needed without a baby actually using them. NBHHY!!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Palm Reading, Is there any truth to it?

Have I mentioned that I think I am a sleep camel? I seem to occasionally store up on sleep than get less for some time after that. I had my two naps on Thursday after a full 8 hours of sleep Wednesday night. Thursday night I think I only slept around 6 hours and looks like that is all I will be getting for Friday night as well. Oh well, good thing I am used to not sleeping well and function well on only 6 or 7 hours of sleep.

While I was lying there trying to determine if I would be able to doze back off or if I should just get up, I started thinking about Palm Reading. I am not sure how much I believe in it, but have had enough interest in the past that I have several books on the subject. I have had my palms read three times that I remember. The first was when I was on a cruise and our waiter “read” my palm one night. The second, I was at some sort of carnival or street faire or something. The third was when I saw the supposed psychic that my sister knew and insisted that I see. This is not counting me and a friend reading through my palm reading books and doing “self” readings. In every reading, I was told that I would have 3 children. I had forgotten the whole thing and hadn’t thought of this for years and certainly not since I started trying to conceive. Since I started this ttc effort, I had always hoped for 2 children. Ideally, this would not be twins, but at this point, I will take what I can get.

As I lay there, I started wondering more about how this works. What counts? Does my early m/c of this summer count since it was a confirmed pregnancy? If in fact, I really did conceive on my first IUI even though it wasn’t confirmed, does that count? If I lose this one, is that like a three strikes rule and that would be my third and I am now out of the game?

I am not sure how my sister (Julie) feels about palm reading and whether she believes in it, but I do know that she believes that some people are psychic and has seen several over the years. In fact, one of her good friends is a psychic and she has consulted with her on more than one occasion. My sister Julie had two daughters when she was young and just out of high school. In many of the consults that she had, when she asked whether she would have another child, she was told that she would conceive a son. When she tried to press for more information, she was never given any.

I guess it is about 10 years ago now; she met a wonderful man and re-married. About 6 years ago, they decided to try to have a child together and she conceived a son. When she entered her seventh month, she found out that the baby (they named him Brian) had a severe heart problem and he had only developed one heart chamber. This defect was also causing his lungs to under develop and other issues. She was told that if she didn’t miscarry before delivery, Brian would have less than a one percent chance of living through the delivery and even if he did he would need at least 3 major surgery his first year with high risk for each one with little chance of him surviving to the next phase. And, even if he survived through that, he would be a special needs child that would never live a normal life. She and her husband made one of the most difficult decisions of their life and decided to terminate at her doctors recommendation (and after consulting several other doctors and heart specialists). She has never talked much about what happened other than to say it was the most horrible thing she has ever gone through in her life. Since then I have never looked at late term abortions the same and get very angry when people say that it is “black and white”. While her life was not in danger, she just couldn’t continue waiting for a miscarriage and putting her family (her daughters were in their early teens at this point) through the entire ordeal. The quality of Brian’s life if he did make it and the burden and strain (emotional and financial) that it would put on the entire family weighed heavily on her and Frank as they made the decision. Now, the most religious and fanatical anti-abortionist would believe that she should have left it to “God’s Will” and that she and her husband were making a choice that was not theirs. I never believed that. I fundamentally believe that all women should have the choice to make these decisions for themselves and that if the most religious and fanatical don’t agree with it they can always choose not to have one. But, I am digressing here. After that, she has commented on more than one occasion that the psychics were correct and she conceived her son, she better understood why they could not give her more detail.

Since Brian counts, does my early miscarriage? Does the unconfirmed pregnancy, if it in fact was one, count? How does this work? Do I even believe in any of it? Right now, I really don’t know. I guess time will tell. I guess the worst case scenario is that they all count and if I miscarry this current pregnancy I am shit out of luck and have no children in my future. I just can’t imagine that for myself. Ideally, if I am able to have a child, I would like that child to have a sibling. So, if the confirmed pregnancy counts and the unconfirmed one doesn’t then it would still be possible. I wonder how adoption fits into this all this. Does having a child by adoption count on the palm reading family chart? These are things that I just don’t know. I would like to. I would like to have some real answers on this stuff. Since that is very unlikely, I think I will just re-file it all in the back of my brain for later, much much later. It’s not anything that I am going to spend any more time right now worrying about or contemplating.

But, I do wonder.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Beta #2 more than doubled

I am happy to report that beta #2 more than doubled. It went from 73 to 196. I am very, very happy about that. Doing well and getting back into a nice zen state. Just a bit tired. No time for naps today. Running to the clinic for the beta and then to the acupuncturist seem to take the whole day. I am now in my second 2ww until the u/s to look for the sac and heartbeat. I am so glad I am on vacation. I keep thinking I will have more time to get things done and post a few more bog entries that I have in mind, but…the time is just flying by and I am just too tired. Off to a nice healthy dinner of backed chicken and then to bed.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Trying to live in the moment

Have you ever seen that commercial where the guy walks around and tells random people. “I lowered my cholesterol, I lowered my cholesterol, I lowered my cholesterol”? Last night when walking the dogs, I was starting to get over the shock. I couldn’t stop smiling. I wanted to shout from the rooftop. I’M PREGANT. I wanted to tell every person I saw. I’M PREGNANT. I was so happy.

I woke up and hiked with the dogs, nothing unusual there except that I did a normal weekday hike even though I am now on vacation and could have gone a bit further out. When I got home, I decided to HPT. LOL. I was just so sure that this cycle was a bust that it never occurred to me to test. I did not one, but two HPT test. One that I bought from the internet (I don’t remember the name off hand and am too lazy to walk across the house and go look) and an EPT. Funny enough, the lines for both of them were so faint to barely be noticeable within the listed test timeframe. They both did get a bit darker as time went on. Probably good that I had not tested earlier. I started having a bit of cramping this morning and spotted after collecting the urine for the HPT’s. Okay, so spotting is probably too strong of a word, it was more like very light pink when I wiped. I had a little bit of a freak-out! I was just starting to come out of my shock and think that maybe it could work this time. After I showered, I decided to crawl back into bed to rest and watch t.v., after all I am on vacation and didn’t really have big plans. I couldn’t believe it when I dozed off for about 30 minutes.

I went off to shop and lunch with a friend (one of the ones in the know) and this was a good distraction. After talking to her, I started to mellow out a bit and realized that this will either work out or it won’t. I do think it would be a bit too cruel of fate to have such a crappy cycle, get a BFP, and then have it not work, but, as we all know, life is not fair or just. I can worry to death and obsess over this, but there will always be the next thing to worry about. Did the beta rise appropriately? Did we see a sack/heartbeat? Did I make it to the 2nd trimester? Will the delivery be okay? Will the child develop correctly? Etc. I just decided that I can’t go there and that I need to mellow out and take it a day at a time. Yes, I have had minor cramping all day, but truly, I could have been having cramping through most of my 2ww and I wouldn’t have noticed because of the pain in my tooth and pain meds for it. I am going to try really hard to be at peace through this and enjoy it as much I can.

On my way home from Heather’s, I heard this song on the radio called “Christmas Carol”. It was about a little girl who went to see Santa and her Christmas wish was to be taken home since she didn’t know her daddy and her momma had disappeared. The Santa called child services and picked her up on Christmas day. I had never heard that song before and it really touched me. I just started balling. And then, laughing at myself for being so emotional. I am not a crier typically.

I came home and was feeling tired so I crawled back in bed to read a bit. Yes, I fell asleep again for about an hour and a half this time. Wow, two naps in one day after getting a great night sleep. I am not used to it. I must be pregnant!

I am glad I am on vacation and can just take it easy and relax and take several naps a day if that is what it takes.

I keep telling myself that this really can work this time. I don’t have the fibroids this time. All of the immunity testing came back normal. It could still be an egg quality issue, but as I said, I think fate would just be too cruel to get a BFP and then snatch it away. Since the egg fertilized against the odds, I think, I hope, I pray that it is a keeper.

I was having a little discussion with my little one earlier today and I told her that the biggest disappointment she could give me was to not stick around! God, I want this to work!

Another ironic reason why I think this could work is way back when as I was preparing for this process and still thought I could have some say or control in it, I told my cousin that the one time I would absolutely NOT want to be due was in August because it gets so hot here in the summer and it would be miserable to be so heavy pregnant and hiking with the dogs and out and about when it is that hot. August is by far the hottest month of the year here. I was going to be due in the winter. HA HA HA HA HA! My current due date is August 25th. HA HA HA HA HA! The joke is on me. I’ll take it. When I reminded my cousin about this we both had a great laugh! Again, I’ll take what I am given and be happy, thrilled, and overjoyed!

Tomorrow is the next step. The next milestone. We are looking for a 66% increase or a beta around 115 – 120. Until tomorrow….

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Surprising, shocking BFP

I am in shock, really and truly. Beta #1 – 73.?? at 13 dpo. I was so sure it was a bust that I didn’t even bother to HPT.

I had a next steps consult with my dr. today. I moved sperm to the clinic today. I told the nurse who took my blood that if it was a positive, I was going to give her a hard time about mixing my blood with someone else. I actually found out before my dr. because the embryologist saw me bringing back the tank and had just done the pregnancy test so she new it was positive. She went to talk to the nurse and she and the receptionists told me. I couldn’t believe it. The embryologist wanted me to take the sperm back to the sperm bank. I thought about it, but told her no way. I needed it for good luck and would pay the storage. My dr. called to congratulate me and said he knew I was in shock. I couldn’t really say much on my side because my mom was here and could over hear what I was saying. He said that they want to see the number increase by 66% on Friday (to about 115/120).


My consult with my dr. went well. I told him that I was running out of questions so I didn’t have that many and he said that was hard to believe. LOL. I told him that I was ready to move to the next stage and ask a different doctor about pregnancy and labor. He laughed. He told me that I knew more that some RE’s. I said, I find that scary, but I certainly know more than my PCP or her nurse practitioner. He asked me if I felt pregnant. I said no. He asked if I had felt pregnant last time I was pregnant. I said no and that in fact, in looking through my notes, I was equally as sure I was not pregnant then either, but that I was also sure that I was going to ovulate early and had some follicles on my right side before cancellation, so I may not be the best judge.

I am so thankful that he met with me without knowing if this cycle worked or not. I just really needed that information. Just in case.

He started out by explaining how he would change my protocol and explained how Lupron and Antigon work (which I really already knew). He explained that I was not over suppressed. He knew I was a tad worried about that after he posted on the clinic discussion board to someone else that you could be over suppressed if you were on BCP’s for too long before a cycle and I was on them much longer than what he said. He assured me this wasn’t the case and if anything I was under suppressed. He said that he would do no Lupron at all and start stims with no suppression. Once my lead follicle got to 14, we would start Antigon. He would have me come in for a cd6 check instead of waiting until cd9. He said that he would also up my dosage of Gonal F to 6 amps to start instead of 5.

I asked what was next if the Antigon didn’t work because my understanding was there were only Lupron or Antigon. Did that mean that IVF wasn’t really an option for me? He said that if that didn’t work, there was one other protocol that they could use starting with Lupron and switching to Antigon. He said that they use that for poor responders and patients with low ovarian reserve. That Antigon is expensive and you start it much earlier in the processes so they didn’t do that protocol unless they really needed to.

I asked him if it was my imagination or was my right ovary under performing and was this indicative of a problem. He said that it was possible. My right ovary had some follicle development, but he would have expected more. He couldn’t tell if it was a result of the lead dominant follicle suppressing the other follicles, he said that he did see some smaller ones, but didn’t measure them because they were not viable. He assured me that statistically, it was not possible that one ovary had all the good eggs. Maybe my right ovary has problems, maybe not, but either way, I don’t think anything can be done (although I forgot to ask him about that specifically).

We talked about egg maturation. He said ideally in IVF they get between 10 – 15 eggs and that you can get more, but you sacrifice quality and fertilization. He said at 20, you could be borderline hyper stimulated. I asked him if at 24 at trigger and 27, wasn’t that too large and indicative that the egg was over mature. He said that 24 was borderline and reminded me that I had one at 16. I asked him wasn’t 16 too small and probably immature. He said at 16 it had a 50/50 chance.

He said that they recommend waiting a cycle so I couldn’t go in January and would have to wait until February, but he would not have me start BCP’s with this period. He said not to be surprised it my next period was delayed and I had an extra long cycle (5 week cycle) next time. I looked at him skeptically and said, we will see since I tend to have 22/24 day ones when not cycling.

My Anti D titer test results were in, sort of, they only gave him my blood type, which we already knew. He was going to call because he said sometimes they don’t put anything if no antibodies were detected. I would be happy if that is the case, but the lab was so confused and didn’t really understand what test he was talking about so I would have been shocked if they got it right. I think I will ask to have them do that test on Friday while they already have my blood.

We talked about my .16/.15 results of last cycle. I asked if that could have just been HCG left over from the trigger shot. He said that other hormones can interfere and could cause a false positive. I asked if I got anything under a 5 today, if I should just consider it failed. He said, well, maybe if you got a 4 or something it might still be possible, but either way they would want me to come back for a second beta just in case.

We talked a bit about my tooth infection and what might have caused it and how it made the 2ww go much faster. He said that pain killers were fine in the first trimester (and pregnancy) and he had prescribed them, but the pharmaceutical companies were afraid of the liability so put all kinds of disclaimers on them. He said that if Extra Strength Tylenol didn’t work, the next best choice would be Tylenol with Codeine. Next would be Viacdin. He would not recommend Motrin.

There you have it. My “what next” consult that I hopefully will not need if all goes well.

I am so happy, I am tempted to share my news. I learned my lesson last time and I will be keeping it under wraps for now. My friend Heather, my cousin, my sister, my acupuncturist, my fellow ttc’ers, and the internet (not counting my dr./clinic of course!). That’s it for now until at least another good beta or two and I can see the heartbeat.

I guess this goes to show that the power of positive thinking is just b/s.

Wow, the shock is starting to wear off a bit and I am just plain tired at this point. I will be hoping and praying for a health and happy pregnancy with an actually baby at the end of the road! Life would be too cruel to get another positive after such a crappy cycle and to loose it. I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope that this works out.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Starting to worry and wonder and hope

Even watching the conclusion to Survivor Vanuato (which I had recorded on my dvr, the one I got to keep me occupied on my three days of bed rest that didn’t happen) wasn’t enough to distract me today and that is the one show that I watch on a regular basis. I mean I wasn’t obsessive or out of control, but I did find myself really hoping and wondering and worrying about the outcome. Against all odds, I really hope that it worked. I don’t feel like it did, but I am hoping.

I also realized tonight that I have dinner plans with my mom on Wednesday night. I had completely forgotten this and was setting up dinner plans with a friend (someone who is also ttc) when I realized that I already had dinner plans. The funny thing is that I have dinner with my mom EVERY Wednesday night. This is not something special or out of the ordinary. I can’t believe I forgot that. I guess that shows how distracted I am. I don’t’ want to cancel on her since we also used to get together on Sunday’s and I permanently cancelled that a few weeks ago. I also don’t want to get the news with her around or right before (especially if negative) because she doesn’t know that I am cycling and I don’t really want to tell her. I don’t want to say anything one way or another until after I have a positive and have at least seen the heartbeat. Now, I am stressing a little bit about how I am going to handle that situation. I guess I will ask Monica to just leave a message on my cell phone if I don’t answer and turn off the cell phone until after she goes home. Or, maybe I should cancel. I will have to think up a lie to do that though because my mom is too inquisitive. I hate to lie or cancel so maybe I will just deal with it. Maybe I can beg them to call me early?

I am starting to get stressed out and that doesn’t bode well for a good night sleep. I am so glad that I am working and that work has been very busy. Busy enough to keep me distracted. I was so distracted today that I completely forgot that I had taken my car to the shop this morning because the front driver window controls weren’t working (and I wanted to make sure that I didn’t have a day without my car while on vacation). The service guy had to track me down on my cell because I wasn’t answering any of the other lines. Then, I forgot between the time that I talked to him and the shuttle to pick my up came (maybe 10 – 15 minutes later). Yikes, it was just that busy. Right now, that really is a good thing.

The funny thing is that if I am pregnant, I am. There is really nothing to do one way or another right now. Not only would praying for a successful outcome be pointless, the die is already cast. I guess I will pray that I handle the situation with grace and strength.

Off to worry and wonder and hope and pray, even if it is hopeless and pointless. I’ll try not to be obsessive or out of control, but I am not making any promises. I really hope that it did work and that this is the end of my ttc journey for now. If not, I will survive. I will move on. I will be okay. It is not what I want, but I can accept it. This cycle just had so many problems and obstacles to success. I know it is a long shot. At least, if feels like a long shot. I guess in theory, it has as much chance of success as any of my past cycles, but somehow it just doesn’t feel that way. I wish that I had already met with my doctor and had my plan. I still need to write out all of my questions so I don’t forget them when we meet.

Please, please let the meeting with my doctor be a waste of both of our time. Please let the extra sperm I purchased be left for a sibling in a year or two. See, this is why I didn’t/don’t want to hope and wonder and worry. Really, it does no good. It will not affect the outcome one way or another. What will be, will be at this point. I know this, but….God, do I want to catch a break on this. Truly, it is the only present I want this year for Christmas.

I though I was pushing it (aka 11 dpo, but whose counting)

I talked my clinic into letting me do my first beta on Wednesday (13 dpo) and the second on Friday (15 dpo) instead of the traditional 14/16 dpo since the office will be closed on Saturday and I really don't want to wait until next week. I already scheduled a consult with my doctor for that day and am going to move a few more vials of sperm to the clinic while I am out that way. Wednesday is my first day of vacation. Wow, don’t I know how to live it up? When I talked to my nurse coordinator about testing on Wednesday and Friday, she thought I meant of NEXT week. I laughed (thinking are you CRAZY??) and said no, this week at 13/15, one day early. She agreed. I think they feel sorry for me at this point. Hey, who am I to complain if they let me push it a little. I get a call from one of the receptionists at my clinic a few minutes ago saying that they had me scheduled for my first beta today and why hadn’t I showed up. I told her that I would be happy to drop what I was doing and drive there to be tested, but I was only 11 dpo and thought that was too early. She put me on hold and asked my nurse coordinator. I was told, no, just come in on Wednesday. LOL. I guess they don’t feel THAT sorry for me.

Really, I have been doing pretty well on this 2ww. The first half I was angry and coming to grips with having my IVF canceled. Then, I got the tooth infection and the pain of that pretty much overrode the 2ww worry and trying to analyze each and every potential symptom. I have been moving forward like it has already failed and haven’t really let myself think or hope about the fact that it really could work. I started thinking about it working this morning as I was waking up. I was thinking about how much I wanted this to work and how much I wanted a child. I was thinking about IUI#2 (probably because I posted about it yesterday and it was still on my mind). I had forgotten that on IUI #2 I acted very similar and was sure it hadn’t worked and was making future plans. I had to tell myself to stop hoping and thinking about it working. I just can’t go down that path right now. I will be very happy and thrilled if I do get a positive, but I can’t think about it and hope that I will. It is just too painful when it doesn't happen.

Today was a gym day. I didn’t go. Again. Typically, I go to the gym 2 – 3 times a week on a M/W/F schedule. However, I haven’t been all month (or is it up to 6 weeks now?). It was the one thing too many that I let myself slide on during this cycle. Actually, I gave myself a break because my shoulders were very sore after my last workout and I thought I had injured myself or had tendonitis or something. When I saw the Chiropractor and told him, he said is it “here” and pressed on a specific muscle. He nailed it. Apparently, I wasn’t stretching properly and that muscle got too tight. I have been doing the stretches here and there, but haven’t made it back in to the gym. Next Monday. Positive or Negative. I promise. I will get back to it. Yes, I am still hiking every morning and walking the dogs around the neighborhood each night, but those all involve the legs. When I go to the gym, I just do upper body weight training. It really does help keep everything in alignment since I sit in front of the computer all day with hunched shoulders. I can tell the difference which is one of the only motivating factors.

Only two more days until I find out whether this cycle was a complete bust or a miracle. I’m glad I am working and have a busy schedule. I want it a bit more now that I know they had me in for a beta today. Maybe I should have pushed it and tried to go in, but I really do think it is too early. Plus, I want to talk to my doctor first about next steps before I get a confirmed negative. I just need that.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

IUI #2

It’s hard writing some of this story retrospectively. In many ways, I wish I had started this blog sooner in my journey.

IUI #2 was in June. Not only did I have a cyst from my first cycle, I was going to be out of town for work a week right during planned ovulation and I needed time to recover emotionally and research causes of early pregnancy loss. So, a May cycle was out. I was still confident enough in early success that I was only buying sperm 2 vials at a time and I was able to get my number # guy again. I talked my dr. into testing for natural killer activity and progesterone after my first cycle, both possible causes of very early pregnancy loss.

I had my baseline u/s on Tuesday, June 8th and got the all clear to proceed. I took clomid for 5 days starting that night. My cd 9 u/s on Monday, June 14th showed 3 follicles a 12 on the right and a 10 and 8 on the left. I went back on Friday, June 18th for another follicle check and the right had grown to 18 and the left to 14 and 12. I triggered that night and had only one IUI on Sunday, June 29th, Father’s Day. I really liked the irony of having a fatherless child conceived on father’s day.

This cycle had the least amount of monitoring of my previous cycle and was a lot less stressful and emotional having gone through the processes once before. I remember being pretty freaked out about having to give myself the trigger shot. None of my friends or family was around that night for moral support. I stopped by the pharmacy and picked up the shot on the way home from the clinic, then picked up a dinner and a few movies to keep me entertained until the “big” event. The shot wasn’t so bad, but I was nervous and was glad to have it behind me. I found out much later (on my injectable cycle) that I actually didn’t do it correctly because I didn’t put the needle all the way in. However, it worked good enough. This was the only cycle that my lining got the desired “triple line” and the only cycle that my right ovary decided to show up and had the lead follicle. I also started acupuncture with this cycle.

It is hard to convey the feeling and emotions that went along with this cycle so I am going back to some of my IVFC posts to capture that part of the story.

IVFC 6/14/04: I had my cd9 check today and it could have been better. Only 2 follies (one left and one right) and my lining was only 5 (same as cd3). I go back on Friday for another check. Another Dr. did the u/s and he basically said that on my 1st IUI cycle, he thought my eggs over-cooked (my words) since I didn’t OV till day 18/19. He did say that eggs were more like a fine Chardonnay instead of a Bordeaux (his words) and we didn’t want them to age that much. How did he know that I love wine and could really understand that analogy? I have been obtaining mostly due to the sugar content since I have been sleeping so badly. Now, I want some….maybe I will splurge tonight. He said I am tracking a day or two ahead of last cycle in follicle side. I added in my own mind…but still a bit too slow. On the good news side, I had my first acupuncture apt. on Sat. and LOVED it. She was really nice. I hope she can help my lining (which looks like it needs it), I have 2 more apt’s before my Fri. u/s. The best thing was that it helped me relax enough that I have gotten the 2 best nights of sleep since last year. Maybe I scared all my follies away after my stern talk about only the best, most chromosomally solid eggs maturing?? I keep reminding myself that it only takes 1.

IVFC 6/18/04: It is WAY past my bedtime and I just came on real quick (ha ha) to let everyone know that I triggered tonight. I wasn't really expecting this and had a minor anxiety attack on the way home, but then settled down. I did the HCG shot okay (I think) after the second try. I was too wimpy on the first one. My right follie was 18.? and my lining had greatly improved to 9.6 with the 3 lines they like to see so the dr. wanted me to trigger today because last time we waited until my lead follie was 20 and I had my LH surge before trigger, but didn't ov until 4 days after LH surge. I go in Sunday morning for the IUI. This is the first time my right follie has become the lead. Maybe the egg quality is better on that side?? Oh right....I have given up worrying about things like egg quality and things I can't control.

IVFC 6/21/04: After not sleeping last night because I had myself convinced that I didn't and wasn't going to ov in time and the whole cycle was a complete waste, I am the last person to talk about not worrying. I prevented myself (barely) from driving to the dr. office and begging them to do an u/s to verify I did. I didn't ease into the 2ww very well. All I can say is my BB are already killing me. It is going to be a long 2 weeks. Sigh.

IVFC 6/24/04: I have been doing so great on my 2ww ever since I got over the not ov on time thing. I have been staying off the boards today. I actually forgot about it for a few hours today and everything, if you can believe that. Until....the receptionist from my clinic called to schedule a 7dpo progesterone test. She said, "hey mommy" when she new she was talking to me. It was so nice, but everything just came slamming back. God, I want this so much I could cry right now and am getting teary eyed as I type. Even if I am a nag (I try to be a nice one), the office staff at the clinic like me (as I do them). I know that I am psychotic, they know I am psychotic (not really, but you know what I mean), it works. The receptionist has told me many times that she really hopes it works for me. The nurse that was there on Sun. with the IUI told me (when I was asking for copies of my charts to compare for "next time"...I get them as I go along and have my own set of files) told me there wasn't going to be a next time since she washed the sperm...she was going to be so proud. They are so great and want this so much for me too. I went from calm to completely stressed in about 2 sec. flat. My stomach fell, the blood started whirling through my veins. Holy cow, I think I may have to try to schedule another acu apt. for tomorrow so I can get back in that nice comfy Zone again. Okay, deep breath. I have a chiropractic apt. in a few minutes. Maybe Dr. Dan can bring me back to the nice calm I had before.

IVFC 6/25/04: I'm still feeling a bit down today. Normally, I can focus on the possibility instead of the probability, but.....sometimes, doesn't it seem like life just wants to kick you when you’re down?

IVFC 6/26/04: I am feeling better and much more positive today. I stopped work early and took a nap yesterday, had a low key evening, and slept 9 hours last night. Maybe I just needed more sleep? This from the girl who averaged 4 hrs sleep/night during IUI#1. NOT reading anything into this.

IVFC 6/28/04: I've pretty much just been cruising along in the 2ww. Other than that little funk I got in late last week, I have been taking it all in stride and much better than last time. Probably because I am sleeping. I think my body is making up for all of those months of no sleep because I have just been tired, tired, tired and I am getting PLENTY of sleep. One week down!! Hopefully, I will make it to next Monday (and beyond) with out AF showing up. While work is starting to pick back up, good thing it is still reasonably slow because I spent all afternoon running around for this ttc stuff. I am so glad that we checked my progesterone level today. It was only a 7 which according to my coordinator is too low to sustain a preg. I had just gotten home from having the blood taken and an acu apt, when I got the call and had to head back out to get progesterone suppositories. I am kind of in shock because I really wasn’t expecting a problem.

IVFC 6/30/04: All I have to say about myself is this 2WW stuff really SUCKS!! I know it has been before, but I just really felt like it needed to be said again. I really feel like this cycle is a bust and wish it would just end so I can move on. Now that I am taking the progesterone sups, my dr. confirmed that it is unlikely I will get AF this weekend even if I am not preg. and their office is closed until Tues. 7/6. Even my Dr. had more confidence in this cycle yesterday than I did. How sad is that since we all know they tend to be on the pessimistic side. I think he was feeling sorry for me because he said he would give me a prescription to have my beta at a local lab over the weekend instead of waiting until Tuesday.

IVFC 7/1/04 9:16 am: I am feeling much better and more positive today!! This morning while hiking the dogs, I just had a +, peaceful attitude like all was "right". Then, I was further motivated my U2 on the way home (think...It's a beautiful day and Stuck in a moment...for any U2 fans). I think maybe some of the negativity was tied into the work stuff. I actually have enough to do today to almost keep me busy most of the day and I plan on taking a long (maybe a long, long) lunch with a girlfriend for the rest of the day. They had a meeting yesterday for all the people who still have jobs and said that roles and responsibilities and job assignments should be done in 2 weeks. I am just so used to being busy and productive at work, it has been really hard to have so little to do. I had the faintest spotting today and would not be surprised if I have heavier spotting later today (been cramping), I think I will shoot and email of to my Dr. to ask how likely it is that the progesterone sups wouldn't work. Yeah, I know, not likely. I am trying to talk him into letting me test on Sat. instead of waiting until Tues since all the local labs are closed on both Sun. and Mon. as well as the clinic. We will see.

IVFC 7/1/04, 4:31 pm: The cramping stopped right after I posted this morning and I haven't gotten any more spotting. Hmm. Maybe just a REALLY late implant (11/12 dpo, depending on how you count it)? Is this possible? Or, rather...how likely is it?

IVFC 7/4/04: I caved on the HPT and did one today. It was neg. , which is what I was expecting, but was still so sad to see. I am on cd29 and a full 2 weeks (15 days) from IUI so if there was any HCG, it should have shown up by now. I will probably test again tomorrow and still go in on Tues, but not holding out hope. Off to distract myself.....

IVFC 7/5/04: I tested again this morning and maybe there is a bit of hope. After 3 min., I saw the faintest, faintest, faintest line that anyone with any kind of eye problems would probably not make out. I looked at it again after 30 min and the second line was still very, very faint, but a bit darker. I am just hoping I will know tomorrow. I am going to a ballgame tomorrow night with a friend. It was supposed to be either a celebrate or commiserate outing, but at least it will be a distraction if I still don't know.

IVFC 7/6/04, 3:35 pm: Tic Toc, Tic Toc, watching the clock and willing the phone to ring...and have it be my Dr. .....with good news. I think I need to go at least pretend to get some work done in between all the repeated calls from my family asking if I had any news. Like I would not call them and tell them. I know they are just trying to be supportive, but I wonder why they think calling me every 15 min. is helpful? I am so tired and wondering why I agreed to go to the ballgame with my friend tonight. I am sure it will be fun, but a quite night at home with a good book sounds really nice right now.

IVFC 7/6/04, 4:24 pm: Yahoo!!! I just heard from my dr. and I am preg. (at least for now) . I can't believe it!! He said my ##'s were great. HCG is 52.16 and progesterone 16.53. I go back Thurs. early for a second beta.

IVFC 7/8/04: I had my second beta today and the numbers looked great. My Dr. said "you are very preg." Beta 1(Tues. late am) - 52.16; Beta 2 (Thurs. early am) - 110.54. We talked briefly about the chance of multiples, but I think it is very unlikely (although both of my grandfathers were twins). U/S scheduled for Tues. 7/20. My cousin (who will be in town from MI) and my closest girlfriend are going with me for moral support. So, everything is looking great and I am feeling very good (just a bit tired all the time, especially the afternoons ).

IVFC 7/9/04: I have just been so excited and worried that I have not been sleeping that well ever since I got BFP and last night was the worst. I went to bed at 9:30 last night exhausted, but didn't fall asleep until after 11. My mind was just spinning and spinning and spinning. Then, I woke up at 2 am and never fell back asleep. Needless to say, I called my acu first thing this morning and told her I was back to my old bad habits and could she see me. She is so sweet, she rearranged her schedule to get me in this afternoon. I know how important these first few weeks are to my little baby with all of the organs forming, etc. etc. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it, but how do I make myself sleep? I am trying not to stress myself out over the lack of sleep. I reminded myself not getting m/s is a GOOD thing and I am not spotting or cramping...so not to worry...but, of course, I am. I am so glad my cousin and her kids are coming tonight (until Aug. 1st) because it will help keep me distracted until my first u/s.

IVFC 7/11/04: I started spotting and cramping this afternoon. I am really afraid this is the beginning of the end. I am so scared. I am trying not to totally freak out here. I'm going to go laid down some more and pray.

IVFC 7/12/04: It's over – basically. I just talked to my dr. a bit ago. I go in tomorrow for a u/s; another beta to make sure today's results weren't a fluke or lab error; and probably a D&C. Today's beta was only 155. Last Thurs. was 110. Barring a fluke, lab error...or a miracle between now and then, it is basically over. My heart is just breaking right now.

IVFC 7/13/04, 5:36 pm: I had a long talk with my dr. today. The u/s showed nothing. No sack to be seen anywhere. Waiting for the clinic to call me back to schedule the d&c which i was hoping would be tomorrow, but...probably Thurs. at this point. He thinks that it may have been caused by my fibroids because I had more cramping than spotting. A recent study out of N. Carolina (that has been presented, but not published) shows that the smaller fibroids like I have a 55% m/c rate. We are going to test the tissue for abnormalities. If none are found, he recommends removing the fibroids. Either way, it will be months before I can try again. I am doing much, much better today than yesterday.

IVFC 7/13/04, 6:32 pm: My beta today dropped from 155.23 yesterday to 61.43 today. Even if they did the d&c tomorrow, they don't think they would get enough tissue to test. I go back on Friday for another beta to make sure it has dropped to 0. So, now I know NOTHING!! I hate this f*cking ride right now!!! I guess the good news is that if I can find a new sperm donor (mine is no longer available) I can cycle again sooner rather than later and hope and pray for better results the next time.

And that was IUI #2. It was a more difficult journey than I remembered and hard to re-read. It brought the joy of the positive beta and the devastation of the miscarriage back to the forefront. I guess I had really suppressed those memories.

Friday, December 10, 2004

8 dpo, but whose counting....

...not me. I am not in a 2ww, remember? While I haven't been able to completely avoid and deny that this is so, it is much easier proceding like I'm not. If I get a positive, wonderful. If not, yes, I will be sad and disappointed, but I will have a plan. I'm still really hoping it works. I am just not expecting it.

Eight days down. Only 5 more until first beta and 7 more until second beta. I talked them into letting me test at 13 and 15 dpo instead of 14 and 16. When I was talking to the nurse coordinator, she said so you want to test on Wednesday and Friday, on days 17 and 19. I started laughing and said, yes on the Wednesday and Friday, but at 13 and 15 if testing one day early won’t be a problem. I think she was serious, like I wanted to wait LONGER. I realized that she wasn't crazy, just streched a bit too thin right now.

I decided today that this has really been the most screwed up cycle. Yes, it could have been worse, but not by much. If it works, it really will be one for the record books.

I went to the dentist yesterday. I really like that guy and was glad that I was able to talk to him and the staff one more time before my insurance gets changed and I have to start seeing someone new. The verdict? Bacterial infection in my upper, right, second molar. The one and only tooth that I have had a root canal on. The treatment? Six days of antibiotics four times a day. I decided that maybe the black cloud I have been imagining following me around maybe was just grey instead.

I was starting to feel better, but right now I have a headache and toothache that won’t quit. I took some Tylenol PM. I hope it kicks in soon.

I went to the acupuncturist today and couldn’t seem to settle or relax. I was so tired when I got there I was sure I may actually be able to fall asleep this time, but I was so fidgety. I couldn’t seem to lay still. While I was there, I met another patient who saw my name on the sign in sheet on her way out. When she found out I was still there, she wanted to meet me. She got pregnant on her 6th IVF cycle and had twins 11 weeks ago. She looked great. She went to the same clinic for her last IVF that I am using. It’s funny. When she introduced herself, I knew exactly who she was. We both knew each others stories from IVFC even though we never posted on the same thread together. She posted on a “sister” thread that I would just lurk on most of the time since it was mostly married women many of whom were stay at home mom’s going for more and I was single and working full time. She actually referred my acu to another person who referred her to me. So, in a round about way, she is the reason I am going to the acu that I like so much. It is a small world. We had an instant bond and the acu finally said enough, she had to treat me before she fell even further behind.

I decided that it is a good thing that I am a fairly intelligent, level headed, meticulous person. It must be even more difficult to go through this process otherwise. On my way back from acu, I stopped to pick up more progesterone. If I hadn’t had previous cycles, had left over progesterone, or looked more closely at the suppositories I received for the IVF cycle, this cycle would be in even more trouble that it currently is. They tried to give me 100 mg. I told them it should be 200 mg. The insisted I was wrong. I ask them to call the dr. office (which thankfully hadn’t closed yet). I left with 200 mg.

Lesson No. 1: You must be your own best advocate. If something doesn’t seem or feel right. Ask. Check it out. Keep asking until you feel comfortable.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The end of denial and avoidance

I have been denying and avoiding the fact that I am in a 2ww. I have been pretending and acting like the IVF was just canceled with no conversion to an IUI.

Things have been going relatively well the last few days. This approach has been working for me. I have been calm again. Just taking things one moment at a time.

I was able to get my #1 guy and purchased 4 vials of swimmers. Two of which are available now. I will be moving them to my clinic next week when I have my what next (a.k.a WTF*) consult with my RE.

I found out that my mom will be here for Christmas after all because she wasn’t able to get a flight out until the day after Christmas.

Work has been busy and distracting and fun. It hasn't been fun since our last re-org this summer.

Today was my last day of Dex. I haven’t been sleeping great, but it hasn’t been that bad. I am hoping now that I am off the dex it will improve. Since I am only taking it every other day, I have noticed that my sleep is less and lighter on the dex days.

I got a wonderful Harry and David holiday gift from my boss.

Things have been going relatively well. Until…

I realized that the progesterone suppositories I received for this cycle are only 50 mg, not 100 like I thought (and with 1 mg of estradial added as well). I am supposed to be taking 400 mg a day (200 mg/twice a day). Luckily, I had some 200 mg ones left over from my last cycle and have been mostly taking them (except for twice) under the first come first serve premise. I was running low on them so I decided to take the 100 mg ones at night because when you “double up” you get much more leakage and I was hoping this would reduce that. I am glad that I looked closer at the package today from some odd reason today. Okay, thinking about it while I type this, I realized the reason I looked more closely at the dosage was because I have been experiencing some cramping, even while taking Tylenol. While this could be a good thing as it is the right timing for implantation, it could also mean that I don’t have enough progesterone and/or blood flow lining issues. I hope I haven’t screwed it up by having too low of progesterone. Since I have used the right dosage all but twice, I think it should be okay. I am just telling myself that it is over and done with now. They look exactly alike. I can’t go back. It was only the wrong dosage twice and not back to back. Think positive.

And then, things get worse….

Yesterday, my upper right molar started hurting. I was hoping I had just irritated the gum or something and that it would go away. I have been taking Tylenol regularly since then. I sent an email to my RE telling him I had a tooth ache and asking if I did go to the dentist was there anything I should not have done. He said everything should be fine except for a root canal. As the day progressed, the pain has gotten worse and worse and worse until I am now in excruciating pain that will not go away. Earlier, before it got so bad, I thought I would just try to “tolerate” it. I will be making an appointment tomorrow and the dentist will tell me I need a root canal. Why do I know this? Because that is just the way my luck is going recently. Also, I needed a root canal a few years ago and know that this is the same pain with the same symptoms. Then, I will tell my dentist that I can’t have one and ask if there is anything that can be done to quite the nerve or at least manage the pain. Well, on the bright side, I will get to see the dentist again. I have been going to this guy for the 9 years since I moved here and I really like him. Unfortunately, my company forced us to change dental insurance next year and my dentist is no longer covered. As of January, I am not going to get to see him anymore. I guess this is my last hurrah visit with him and I will get to tell him that I may or may not be pregnant.

The pain has been getting worse and worse and worse. I took some Tylenol after dinner. Didn’t help. Took some Tylenol PM about an hour ago. Didn’t help. Took a bath after I had put in my progesterone suppository (which I try not to do) in an attempt to relax me and ease the pain. Didn’t help. I am in so much pain I am nauseous and I am ready to cry. I just took a Vicodin. It was listed as class B. It seemed the better alternative than Motrin. I hope I don’t regret it. I really do. I am sure that many people do worse before they even know that they are pregnant. Right? I just can’t take the pain. I really can’t. It is terrible.

Chances are that I am not pregnant and I will go through all this pain and suffering for no good reason. But, what if I am? Oh God, please help me through this.

I think I will call my acupuncturist in the morning and see if there is anything she can do. Oh please, please, please.

I guess the second week of my 2ww just got a whole lot longer and I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t deny it or avoid it anymore. I am in a 2ww. I could be pregnant. Or, I could not be. I will be counting the days and hours and minutes until I find out. Now that the Vicodin has taken the edge off a bit, I can say that I would rather be pregnant and deal with the pain than the alternative. A little bit ago, I actually was hoping that I am not so I can get the root canal. How much does that suck?

Please make the pain go away or at least take the edge of it off. Please?

* WTF - What The Fuck

Monday, December 06, 2004

A new day, a new attitude

Today was a much better day than yesterday. I am not usually so moody and morose. I guess all of the extra hormones along with the extra sugar and carbs wasn’t a good combination along with the disappointment of last week. I took a long walk in the rain with the dogs and ate a very healthy dinner last night. I started feeling better after that. Then, I cuddled up on the couch with one of my dogs to read and fell asleep. I couldn’t believe it. I woke up at 8 pm, blew out the candles, and went to bed. I slept until 4:45 which is also great for me. What is that….a little over 9 hours of sleep? I am usually happy if I get 6 or 7. Wow, I guess the progesterone kicked in.

I was also very glad I worked today. I got done several things that really needed to be done. Plus, I have been out of the office so much that my team was really happy too. Several of them had things they wanted to go over with me, but hadn’t had a chance.

I did manage to call the sperm bank and put in an order of 4 more vials of my #1 guy. Didn’t hear back on whether he is available when I will need him again. Oh, I mean when I MAY need him again.

Feeling better about the whole Christmas thing. I decided I need to work on my reaction to things when I am not expecting them. Very hard for someone with the Project Management background that I have. I am really happy for my mom. It will be much nicer for her to go than to stay. I actually could go if I wanted or go to my cousins instead. I already have the time off of work. I just don’t really want to spend the money right now. Whether I am pregnant or not, I don’t think I want to be traveling right then. Maybe I will change my mind. I just had to remind myself that I am not a victim. I do have choices around this and several places/people locally or not to spend the holiday. Right now, I am choosing not.

I still am having cramping on and off in my left ovary area. However, I realize that it is much more likely that one or more of those three smaller follicles did not ovulate and turned into cysts. I did re-read the symptoms of an ectopic, but am sure that I was just being over dramatic yesterday. Since I seem to be having an even worse than normal reaction to things I haven’t expected, it is probably good that I at least thought about it.

I canceled the consult I had scheduled with my dr. for tomorrow and rescheduled for next week. Since I am not taking vacation this week and I really do have a lot to do for work, I didn’t want to be out of the office this week if I didn’t have to. So, I rescheduled for next Wednesday. I am also trying to talk them into letting me do my first beta when I am in. It will be 13 dpo instead of 14 dpo. Haven’t heard back. We will see.

Today was a good day! I saw the sun rise over the mountains this morning. The air was crisp and cool. I got several things done that I wanted to. The worst thing that happened today was that I forgot to call and cancel my dog walker who was going to cover while I was on bed rest for the transfer. Lucky, he was responsible and called to check since he hadn’t heard back from me to finalize the days. He was worried that I may be in the hospital and didn’t have anyone looking in on the dogs. If he hadn’t caught me on the phone he was going to come over and check. Now, that is why I have him taking care of my dogs when I can’t. It endeared him more to me.

I am either pregnant or not right now. If I am, the little embryo is making its way down the fallopian tube. If not, I will try again soon. Either way, I will find out in a week or so and nothing I do or don’t do will change that fact. Hopefully, I can keep this up this new and improved attitude until then.

It was a new day with a new attitude.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Out of sorts....

I’m feeling out of sorts today. And, taking everything to the heart and personally. Not a good thing. It doesn’t help that it is a cold, rainy day here. I am usually better about that…taking things too personally. However, my defenses are a bit down right now and I am letting things get to me that I normally wouldn’t.

I have new neighbors across the street. They moved in last week. I went over to introduce myself, take them some cookies, and welcome them to the neighborhood. It is a young couple with no children and a cute little black lab puppy. She is a nurse and he is a firefighter. Her parents and grandmother happened to be over. I got the “Are you married? Do you have children?” questions. I didn’t burst into tears or get teary eyed, but I felt like it. I didn’t say, “No, I am a looser that can’t attract a husband or get/stay pregnant, let alone have children.” I thought about it, but didn’t. I was feeling especially attractive, at this point, in old navy sweats that are a tad short with paint stains and a favorite tie dye long sleeve T-Shirt with frayed sleeves and an old turtle neck underneath not having showered today. I wished I had “cleaned up” a little bit. How can doing something nice make me feel so crappy and inadequate? Needless to say, I didn’t stay long.

My sister Cindy was supposed to come visit the day after Christmas for a week. When she went to check out flights, they were too expensive and so they decided not to come. I found this out earlier in the week. My mom told me this morning that Cindy offered to pay for a ticket to bring my mom out to visit instead. Note: My sister Cindy did not tell me this directly. I heard it from my mom. Since my sister Julie and her husband and children (grown) already had plans to go to Franks sisters house this year, I guess I will be spending the holiday alone (or with my youngest sister which will almost be like being alone) this year. Nothing worse than not having anyone to open presents with. Except not having anyone to open presents with after getting a BFN on your canceled IVF/converted IUI cycle.

Actually, I was thinking earlier today that getting a BFN would not be the worst thing. Having an ectopic would probably be the worst thing. A BFN would be the second worse thing. Another early m/c wouldn’t be too great either. You can see where my thoughts are today. Happy and positive. What got me thinking about ectopic is that I have been having pinching in my left ovary region on and off all day. Probably nothing, but the way my luck has been going through this process it would be icing on the cake to loose a tube out of this try.

When I was hiking with the dogs in the rain this morning, I was thinking about the grief/loss/change curve. Have you heard of it? The stages that a person goes through when they have a loss or change? I am going from memory here because I couldn’t find the actual curve. I am sure I have it here someplace, but only gave a half hearted look. Anyway, there are stages that a person goes through with grief, loss, or change. They are denial, the valley of despair, anger, and acceptance. It is not linear. You can move back and forth through the stages. You can stay in one stage a long time or move quickly through them all. You can move forward, then back again. When I was hiking this morning, I was thinking that I was getting over being angry and moving to acceptance. After all, why be mad at my ovaries? They were really only doing what they are supposed to do. They are supposed to have a lead dominate follicle. That is their job. How can I be mad at them for just doing the job really, really well and ignoring all the drugs and medicine? As the day has progressed, I think I am moving backwards. Back into the valley of despair.

My sister Julie stopped by to borrow my carpet cleaner. She stayed awhile and had a glass of wine. Mostly, she talked about herself and told me things she has already told me several times before. Then, she tried to pry into what was going on with the ttc stuff. Her: “So how are things going with trying to get pregnant”. Me: “It’s going”. Her: “So, they are having you inject yourself up with all of these hormones?” Me: I don’t really want to talk about it.” Her: “Well, it has to be a hard process.” Me: “Yes. It is.” I changed the subject and she didn’t stay long after that. Obviously, my mom and my sisters have been talking about me behind my back on this. My mom saw the Lupron in the fridge when she was here for Thanksgiving. The last person I would want to talk to this about is my sister Julie.

I have been going out quite a bit with local SMC tryers. They have been a great support to me. I have distanced myself quite a bit from my family over the last few months. That is not to say that they are not still apart of my life. I have talked to two out of my three sisters and my mom today. The other sister is at a soccer tournament all weekend. I have started receiving condescending remarks (or at least that is how I have been taking them) from my sister Julie and my mom. “It is so nice that you are making new friends” like I am in fucking junior high and/or didn’t have any friends before. My mom has said this several times over the last few weeks. When I talked to her today and she said it again, I told her that I found it condescending and implied that I didn’t have any friends before. She, of course, said that she didn’t mean it that way, but that she really thought it was nice that I had some “single” friends to hang out with and do more with. I just let it go. I am sure that I shouldn’t have said anything. I know that they say this because they are feeling left out. I know that they are trying to be supportive. It just doesn’t feel like support.

I have been really watching my diet since this summer and I had the m/c. This has pretty much been shot to hell over the last few days. I went out shopping and to a party with a friend last night. I didn’t make the best eating choices when we went out for lunch or at the party. I also ate some of the raw cookie dough for the cookies I took to the neighbors and a few cookies. I am sure that this regression in my diet is NOT helping my mood and probably even contributing to me feeling out of sorts. Too much sugar and carbs in my diet when I haven't been having any sugar and minimal carbs.

As I said, I am feeling out of sorts today. I am over reacting to pretty much everything. I think I will go put on the rain gear and take the dogs for a nice long walk, work off some of the sugar, and get the endorphins going. Then, I will eat nice health leftovers of baked chicken, brown rice, and sugar snap peas. Then, I will light some candles, start a fire, and curl up on the couch with a good book that I am reading.

I am sure that it is a very good thing that I am not taking next week as vacation and stayed busy with friends on Friday night and all day Saturday. Clearly being alone is not the best thing for me right now.

I would feel much better if this pain on my left side would go away.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Maybe it was the Dex and other neurotic thoughts

As much as I have been denying that the Dexamethasone I have been taking with this cycle was causing my sleep woes, I think…maybe I was wrong. When my cycle was canceled I was told to wean myself off the Dex by taking it every other day for a week. Apparently, it is not something you want to stop taking cold turkey. I have been taking it in the morning and took it Tuesday before knowing I would get canceled. With worrying about everything and convinced that I was going to ovulate too early and needing to take the trigger shot at four, I didn’t really get much sleep that night. I wasn’t too surprised. However, on Wednesday night, I got a solid night sleep (7.5 hours) which is great for me. I put it down to just being worn out and off the hormones, etc as I tend to sleep way better in the Luteal Phase of my cycle. Yesterday, I took the Dex again and was wired. I had a terrible time settling enough to sleep and after taking a sleep aid and a warm bath, I think I finally nodded off a little after 11 pm and woke up around 4 wired with no hopes of dosing off again. Sigh. Got me thinking that maybe it was the dex.

Of course, once awake I started worrying that I wasn’t going to ovulate at all or that because the lead follicle was 27 that egg is over mature. I’m thinking about emailing or calling my dr. and telling him that I know that I am currently neurotic, but could I come in again today for another check to make sure that I have ovulated. I am laughing at myself on this. I haven’t been the best judge on things lately. After all, I went into my cd9 check thinking the cycle was going great only to have it canceled. I was sure I was going to ovulate too early and didn’t. Now, equally convinced that I am not going to ovulate at all or that my $2K egg is over ripe. I really hate what this process does to your mind. It can all be such a mind-fuck. I know what I really need to do is just trust my dr. and the process, but will I? I am just a tad paranoid right now.

I was supposed to be on vacation again next week for all the procedures. Now that everything was canceled, I really don’t want to take off. Not only do I have a lot of work to do, it will really be hard thinking about what I should/could/had planned to do and filling the time. I didn’t get a chance to talk to my boss about that and got an email late yesterday saying she was going to be out today so I am in a dilemma about what to do. What I would like to do is either save the vacation week until early next year or cash it out and use the money for stims on my next cycle.

When I was in the office yesterday, I got the cycle dates for the next 2 cycles at my clinic. If this cycle is a BFN, I think I will be able to get into the January cycle. I would need to get my period by Dec. 22nd which would be cd31 for this cycle and I will know whether it worked or not. If it did, GREAT!! If not, baseline u/s would be Jan. 4th and if all clear I would start stims and antigon. Cd 9 would be Jan 11th with ER 1/13 – 1/16 and ET 1/16-23. Getting my period by then will be cutting it close with the progesterone, but I think it would work or that I could talk my dr. into letting me do it anyway if I am a day or two off.

I think what I am going to do is talk to her backup and not take next week as a vacation. I think I will just send out a note saying that something came up and that I am changing my vaction schedule so I will be working next week and either taking the following week or a week in January off instead to be determined next week after talking to my boss. It will just be too hard and I think my boss will understand. If after talking to my boss, I can’t save it since this approach has employee law ramifications in California or cash it out which has financial considerations for the company and is not currently in my bosses budget; I will take the week of the 13th off and just have 3 straight weeks of vacation instead of breaking it up. At least that way, I won’t have the disappointment of the failed cycle in my face all week and work will be a distraction. Okay, now that I have a new plan I can get ready to take my doggies out for their morning jaunt and set the wheels in motion.