Emotionally Exhausted

I am 5w0d today. This is when I started to miscarry with my first pregnancy this summer. I started cramping last night pretty bad. Tylenol only dulled the pain, didn’t eliminate it. The only thing that kept me from completely freaking is that I have had no spotting or bleeding of any kind. I have been so worried about loosing this baby. I knew this week was going to be hard enough to get through and the cramping isn’t helping one bit. I think I have reached my worry threshold, at least for the moment. I am emotionally exhausted. This pregnancy will be what it will be and no amount of worrying and fretting and even praying will do any good. At this point, laws of nature take over. If the embryo (or is it a fetus at this point?) is viable, the pregnancy will move forward and I will see the sac and heartbeat in a week or two. If it isn’t, there is nothing I can do to change or affect the outcome. It really will be what it will be. I wish I could predict the future, but I can’t and I guess I just have to learn to live with that.

The thing is, I still don’t feel pregnant. How does it feel to be pregnant? I have heard that when you are pregnant, your symptoms usually follow the same symptoms you have with your monthly period. So, I shouldn’t be so surprised that I am having cramps. That is my A-#1 monthly period symptom. Too bad that you don’t get to pick which ones you want. Cramping is too much like a miscarriage symptom for my liking. Why couldn’t I have extreme tiredness or nausea or morning sickness? It seems to me like those are at least more reassuring that you really are pregnant and will probably stay that way than cramping.

I don’t like the cramping symptom. I would like to trade it in for another one.

Like I said, at least I am not bleeding or spotting. That would be bad. Very, very bad.

I sent my doctor a pathetic email this morning.

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Me:

Dr. N - The very light spotting and mild cramping that I asked you about last week went away 3 – 4 day ago supporting the theory that it was being caused by implantation. Then, yesterday evening, I started getting sharp, intense cramping that are still as sharp, but not quite as intense at the moment. Very similar to menstrual cramps and or what I felt when I started m/c last time. Tylenol dulled it a bit, but didn’t take it away. No spotting or bleeding of any kind right now or for the last few days. Other than possible impending doom, what can cause this? Do you have a good OB type book that you would recommend or a web page that I could read that gives more detail? The What to Expect When You are Expecting or Your Pregnancy Week by Week are just too general for me and only really talk about the “what”, not the “why”. I don’t suppose that another beta or an u/s right now would give us any useful and positive information at this point? I am sure that I am just being extra paranoid and worried because I am 5w0d today which is when I started m/c last time and this cramping really isn’t helping any. I know that only time is going to tell whether this is going to work out or not and the chances, if I am going to m/c again of it happening in the exact same week as last time have to be minimal (okay, I didn’t actually read that anywhere and just made that theory up), have to be fairly slim especially since the fibroids are no longer there and all my immunity testing checked out. I still don’t feel pregnant (not especially tired, no nausea, etc.) or have any other symptoms that I haven’t told you about. Any good theories or reasons, other than m/c, that can be causing my current cramping? Debbie

Him:

If the cramping is mid line and not accompanied by bleeding it might just be pulling on the ligaments. You’re right about another beta. Try to remain positive. If the bleeding or cramping gets more severe let me know. An ultrasound would not show us anything at this point either.
As far as good information about week to week, there is nothing that great out there. “What to expect..” is probably the best one, but like you said it is a bit more general.

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There you have it. I will try to remain calm and positive. Emotionally, I have to move past this fear and worry. And, it is hard.