My Christmas Eve/Christmas

If you want a nice, happy, upbeat story, I would stop reading now. A sad, depressing, worried story is all I have in me right now. You were forewarned.

I ended up spending Christmas Eve at my sister Kris’s house. She lives in Camarillo about 40 minutes (without traffic) from my house. My mom, who also lives in Camarillo, drove to my house that morning so she could drive back to Camarillo with me a few hours later. When I questioned the logic of that I was told it was so that she could drink without having to worry about driving. Whatever! It was just a small affair with me, my mom, my sister, and my mom’s friend Sue.

This was my sisters first “big” meal and she had the timing all off and dinner wasn’t served until around 7:45 pm. At 4, I did mention to my sister that the roast probably took a few hours to cook and she might want to think about putting it in the oven. I was ignored. Finally, I got to leave around 9:30 pm or so. It was some of the longest hours of my life.

I started spotting again right before I left my house that afternoon. I also started cramping. While I have been cramping and spotting on and off, that was the first time I was spotting and cramping at the same time. As the evening wore on, I felt worse and worse. I ended up telling everyone that I must have got the stomach flu or something and just laid on the couch miserable and wanting to go home. I didn’t even go to the table to eat dinner. Really, I just wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to go home, but I also didn’t want to ruin my mom’s holiday. I thought about telling them I was pregnant and thought I was miscarrying. I didn’t. My mom would have been too worried for me (although she would have left immediately) and I just couldn’t take the worry I would cause her. My sister would have even been more pissed at me for ruining “her” holiday and her first Christmas in her new house.

I thought about calling my dr., but didn’t because why ruin his holiday when there was nothing really to be done. If I was home, I probably would have taken some of that Tylenol with Codeine that my dentist gave me for the tooth infection and my RE said would have been fine to take. I don’t know if I did m/c, but I felt really, really bad.

The funniest thing about the whole evening was that my sister didn’t eat any of the red potatoes, which I had pulled myself off of the couch to help her out and make, and sent them all home with mom and I because she was afraid of getting the flu since I had made them. I am sure she also sanitized her house immediately after I left. She didn’t exactly say so, but I know her well enough to know that she was very unhappy that I was such a wet blanket and had the nerve to bring germs into her house. What a bitch! She didn’t even bother to come to my house on Christmas day like she was supposed to. She didn’t even call. Whatever! I was glad that she didn’t, but I think my mom was sad.

The other funny thing was when we got home, my mom told me that she was getting a bit queasy as well and she hoped she wasn’t getting the flu. I didn’t say anything, but laughed a bit inside at that.

Christmas day, it was just mom and I. I mostly laid on the couch all day. I still wasn’t feeling that great. I had bought a Honey Baked Ham and some of their cheese potatoes so all I had to do was steam some broccoli and heat and serve. I only had the broccoli. Nothing else sounded good. Maybe I was starting to actually believe my own flu story. A friend told me that maybe that was a good “sign” that I hadn’t miscarried. We didn’t even sit at the table to eat.

Yesterday, I dropped my mom off at the airport. I am sure that she was even more thrilled than normal to get out of town and go to Michigan to see her sister, my sister Cindy and her family, and all my cousins. They are more interesting and fun than I am when I am feeling good and not such a downer to be around. I was happy to see her off and have the week to myself to worry or not without watchful eyes.

I met up with a friend after dropping my mom off and had a late breakfast/early lunch. We did a bit of running around after that and then I came home, took a nap, walked the dogs, and climbed back in bed to watch t.v for the rest of the night.

I had decided that I am much more positive about this pregnancy working when I am NOT spotting or cramping so I took to wearing black undies and taking Tylenol at the first sign of cramping. That was effective for about a day and a half.

I started spotting (the most so far) and cramping again this morning. I wrote another email to my dr. asking if it was still too early to come in for an u/s; letting him know that I was still cramping and spotting; and asking once again if this could possibly be normal before crawling back in bed for a few more hours. I decided that a big mac, French fries and a 1/3 of a box of See’s candy was a good lunch choice and indulged in that while checking once again to see if my dr. had responded to my latest email. He hasn’t. Now, I just feel more gross and sick.

I am so tired of the few people who know about this pregnancy (and that I have talked to) telling me that I need to be more positive and that I can’t go around worrying the whole pregnancy, that it will be what it will be, or worse that it will be okay. How the hell do they know? I am not worried the whole time, just when I am spotting and cramping, which has been WAY too often for my liking and way of thinking. Maybe this really is a viable pregnancy; I am just finding it harder and harder to believe. As I told my dr. in my latest email, if it isn’t viable, I just want to find out sooner rather than later so I can put it behind me and move on. I don’t know what a “normal” pregnancy feels like, but I don’t think this is it. How do you not worry when your last (and one and only) pregnancy to date ended in an early m/c and you have been spotting and cramping with this one. I don't think it is a unreasonable to be worried like I keep getting told. Maybe I am just neurotic and paranoid? Or maybe I am a realist? Time will tell.

I wish that I could “enjoy” my pregnancy and could be happy about it like I keep getting told. Right now, I just can’t. Let them walk in my shoes and still say that. In my heart, I don’t think that it really will work out. I don’t like the implications for that since the only possible cause at this point would be crappy eggs. Not crappy enough not to fertilize, just crappy enough not to actually make it to a clinical pregnancy.

I hope I am wrong. I would love to be proved wrong on this one. I really would. I just don’t think I will be.

That was my Christmas. One for the record books. I think I will go climb back in bed for awhile.