Trying to live in the moment

Have you ever seen that commercial where the guy walks around and tells random people. “I lowered my cholesterol, I lowered my cholesterol, I lowered my cholesterol”? Last night when walking the dogs, I was starting to get over the shock. I couldn’t stop smiling. I wanted to shout from the rooftop. I’M PREGANT. I wanted to tell every person I saw. I’M PREGNANT. I was so happy.

I woke up and hiked with the dogs, nothing unusual there except that I did a normal weekday hike even though I am now on vacation and could have gone a bit further out. When I got home, I decided to HPT. LOL. I was just so sure that this cycle was a bust that it never occurred to me to test. I did not one, but two HPT test. One that I bought from the internet (I don’t remember the name off hand and am too lazy to walk across the house and go look) and an EPT. Funny enough, the lines for both of them were so faint to barely be noticeable within the listed test timeframe. They both did get a bit darker as time went on. Probably good that I had not tested earlier. I started having a bit of cramping this morning and spotted after collecting the urine for the HPT’s. Okay, so spotting is probably too strong of a word, it was more like very light pink when I wiped. I had a little bit of a freak-out! I was just starting to come out of my shock and think that maybe it could work this time. After I showered, I decided to crawl back into bed to rest and watch t.v., after all I am on vacation and didn’t really have big plans. I couldn’t believe it when I dozed off for about 30 minutes.

I went off to shop and lunch with a friend (one of the ones in the know) and this was a good distraction. After talking to her, I started to mellow out a bit and realized that this will either work out or it won’t. I do think it would be a bit too cruel of fate to have such a crappy cycle, get a BFP, and then have it not work, but, as we all know, life is not fair or just. I can worry to death and obsess over this, but there will always be the next thing to worry about. Did the beta rise appropriately? Did we see a sack/heartbeat? Did I make it to the 2nd trimester? Will the delivery be okay? Will the child develop correctly? Etc. I just decided that I can’t go there and that I need to mellow out and take it a day at a time. Yes, I have had minor cramping all day, but truly, I could have been having cramping through most of my 2ww and I wouldn’t have noticed because of the pain in my tooth and pain meds for it. I am going to try really hard to be at peace through this and enjoy it as much I can.

On my way home from Heather’s, I heard this song on the radio called “Christmas Carol”. It was about a little girl who went to see Santa and her Christmas wish was to be taken home since she didn’t know her daddy and her momma had disappeared. The Santa called child services and picked her up on Christmas day. I had never heard that song before and it really touched me. I just started balling. And then, laughing at myself for being so emotional. I am not a crier typically.

I came home and was feeling tired so I crawled back in bed to read a bit. Yes, I fell asleep again for about an hour and a half this time. Wow, two naps in one day after getting a great night sleep. I am not used to it. I must be pregnant!

I am glad I am on vacation and can just take it easy and relax and take several naps a day if that is what it takes.

I keep telling myself that this really can work this time. I don’t have the fibroids this time. All of the immunity testing came back normal. It could still be an egg quality issue, but as I said, I think fate would just be too cruel to get a BFP and then snatch it away. Since the egg fertilized against the odds, I think, I hope, I pray that it is a keeper.

I was having a little discussion with my little one earlier today and I told her that the biggest disappointment she could give me was to not stick around! God, I want this to work!

Another ironic reason why I think this could work is way back when as I was preparing for this process and still thought I could have some say or control in it, I told my cousin that the one time I would absolutely NOT want to be due was in August because it gets so hot here in the summer and it would be miserable to be so heavy pregnant and hiking with the dogs and out and about when it is that hot. August is by far the hottest month of the year here. I was going to be due in the winter. HA HA HA HA HA! My current due date is August 25th. HA HA HA HA HA! The joke is on me. I’ll take it. When I reminded my cousin about this we both had a great laugh! Again, I’ll take what I am given and be happy, thrilled, and overjoyed!

Tomorrow is the next step. The next milestone. We are looking for a 66% increase or a beta around 115 – 120. Until tomorrow….