4w5d and NBHHY

Today, I am 4w5d. I have been keeping busy and out of the house. It is nice that I am on vacation this week and can do that. Good distractions. I’m still a bit worried about m/c and jinxing myself, but am trying to take it all in stride. My first OB u/s is scheduled for Wednesday, 12/29. My friend Heather is going to go with me for moral support. I will only be 5w6d at that point so the chance of seeing a heartbeat is very, very small, but I at least want to see if there is a sac or not. Still cautiously optimistic and vacillate between wanting to guard the secret “just in case” and shouting the news from the rooftop. I think maybe I have not had any spotting or cramping in 24 hours. However, I have been having a pinching on my left side. I will be surprised if that is not where the embryo nestled in. I’m still watching out for ectopic pregnancy signs, but I feel it more in the uterus area, not the ovary area. I keep reminding myself that I don’t have the fibroids this time to kill off my little embryo. I have tested negative on all of the immunity testing. The egg was good enough to fertilize against the odds. This has a good chance of working out. I really hope that by next Christmas I will have a 3 month old infant.

I was looking back at the calendar from my m/c cycle. I started spotting and cramping, which was very different than the spotting and cramping I have had with this cycle, on 5w0d. When it started last time, I just knew in my heart that it was the beginning of the end. I went in for a few more betas and a u/s to double check for a sac before they decided I should stop meds. At 5w5d, I actually m/c or got my period. This next week is going to be a hard one to get through.

I was out to dinner with a friend last night. She wants me to be happier and more positive than I can be right now. Don’t get me wrong, I am THRILLED to be pregnant. When I was pregnant the first time, I was so happy. I can’t even describe the joy and excitement I felt. I knew that there was a chance of miscarriage, but in my heart didn’t really think it would/could happen to me. I went into planning mode and had things all set up and squared away for the pregnancy and beyond. When I miscarried, I was just devastated. I know that it was so early. But, it was a loss and an emotional pain such that I had never felt before. I just can’t be as excited and happy as I was the first time. I know all too well that things can go wrong. As my friend pointed out, things can go wrong at any step of the way. There are no guarantees. She asked, “Am I going to be able to enjoy it at all and when?” I am enjoying it, just in a much different and more cautious way than last time. I am not planning too far ahead this time. I’m just planning to the next step. I’m only planning until next Wednesday and my first OB u/s at this point. If I make it past that, I will plan the next step.

In my reading along the ttc journey, I have found that women who have m/c tend to be anxious and waiting for the other shoe to drop until they get past the time of their loss. For me, that is next week. I hope I make it that far. I know I will feel much better when and if I see the sac and heartbeat. Then, I think I will be able to relax a little, enjoy a bit more, and start to really believe that this could have a good outcome. In another blog of someone who has struggles with ttc, she coined a phrase “NBHHY” or nothing bad has happened yet. I keep reminding myself of that. I am living by that. I hope that by next week at this time I can once again say NBHHY.

I am still cautious enough that I haven’t actually purchased anything for the baby to be yet. It is still way too early, in my mind, for that. However, I did accept several items from my friend Heather that she has been saving in her garage for me. When I called to tell her that I was pregnant, she said congratulations! We both laughed when I heard her husband yell in the background, “Good, have her come get that stuff out of the garage that we have been saving for her”. I am trying to work through my paranoia of having too much baby paraphernalia this early. And, I know how annoying it can be to have something around that you don’t want anymore and just want out of the way. When my sister moved last year, several of her things got put at my house temporarily. I just got rid of the rest of it this week (over a year later) when I physically put it in my car and drove it to her house. So, I loaded the stuff up today (we went shopping and had lunch together in Santa Monica) before I headed home. I am now the proud owner of a changing table, a swing, a bouncy seat, a nursing pillow, and a bed extender (can’t remember the official name) for when the baby is first born and you are nursing frequently. This is added to the car seat and stroller she had already given me and the pack-n-play, booster seat/high chair, and stroller my sister bought to use “when she was here”. Yikes, I already have a lot of stuff and haven’t even bought anything yet.

I hope this works out and I won’t be looking at all of this stuff any longer than needed without a baby actually using them. NBHHY!!