The end of denial and avoidance

I have been denying and avoiding the fact that I am in a 2ww. I have been pretending and acting like the IVF was just canceled with no conversion to an IUI.

Things have been going relatively well the last few days. This approach has been working for me. I have been calm again. Just taking things one moment at a time.

I was able to get my #1 guy and purchased 4 vials of swimmers. Two of which are available now. I will be moving them to my clinic next week when I have my what next (a.k.a WTF*) consult with my RE.

I found out that my mom will be here for Christmas after all because she wasn’t able to get a flight out until the day after Christmas.

Work has been busy and distracting and fun. It hasn't been fun since our last re-org this summer.

Today was my last day of Dex. I haven’t been sleeping great, but it hasn’t been that bad. I am hoping now that I am off the dex it will improve. Since I am only taking it every other day, I have noticed that my sleep is less and lighter on the dex days.

I got a wonderful Harry and David holiday gift from my boss.

Things have been going relatively well. Until…

I realized that the progesterone suppositories I received for this cycle are only 50 mg, not 100 like I thought (and with 1 mg of estradial added as well). I am supposed to be taking 400 mg a day (200 mg/twice a day). Luckily, I had some 200 mg ones left over from my last cycle and have been mostly taking them (except for twice) under the first come first serve premise. I was running low on them so I decided to take the 100 mg ones at night because when you “double up” you get much more leakage and I was hoping this would reduce that. I am glad that I looked closer at the package today from some odd reason today. Okay, thinking about it while I type this, I realized the reason I looked more closely at the dosage was because I have been experiencing some cramping, even while taking Tylenol. While this could be a good thing as it is the right timing for implantation, it could also mean that I don’t have enough progesterone and/or blood flow lining issues. I hope I haven’t screwed it up by having too low of progesterone. Since I have used the right dosage all but twice, I think it should be okay. I am just telling myself that it is over and done with now. They look exactly alike. I can’t go back. It was only the wrong dosage twice and not back to back. Think positive.

And then, things get worse….

Yesterday, my upper right molar started hurting. I was hoping I had just irritated the gum or something and that it would go away. I have been taking Tylenol regularly since then. I sent an email to my RE telling him I had a tooth ache and asking if I did go to the dentist was there anything I should not have done. He said everything should be fine except for a root canal. As the day progressed, the pain has gotten worse and worse and worse until I am now in excruciating pain that will not go away. Earlier, before it got so bad, I thought I would just try to “tolerate” it. I will be making an appointment tomorrow and the dentist will tell me I need a root canal. Why do I know this? Because that is just the way my luck is going recently. Also, I needed a root canal a few years ago and know that this is the same pain with the same symptoms. Then, I will tell my dentist that I can’t have one and ask if there is anything that can be done to quite the nerve or at least manage the pain. Well, on the bright side, I will get to see the dentist again. I have been going to this guy for the 9 years since I moved here and I really like him. Unfortunately, my company forced us to change dental insurance next year and my dentist is no longer covered. As of January, I am not going to get to see him anymore. I guess this is my last hurrah visit with him and I will get to tell him that I may or may not be pregnant.

The pain has been getting worse and worse and worse. I took some Tylenol after dinner. Didn’t help. Took some Tylenol PM about an hour ago. Didn’t help. Took a bath after I had put in my progesterone suppository (which I try not to do) in an attempt to relax me and ease the pain. Didn’t help. I am in so much pain I am nauseous and I am ready to cry. I just took a Vicodin. It was listed as class B. It seemed the better alternative than Motrin. I hope I don’t regret it. I really do. I am sure that many people do worse before they even know that they are pregnant. Right? I just can’t take the pain. I really can’t. It is terrible.

Chances are that I am not pregnant and I will go through all this pain and suffering for no good reason. But, what if I am? Oh God, please help me through this.

I think I will call my acupuncturist in the morning and see if there is anything she can do. Oh please, please, please.

I guess the second week of my 2ww just got a whole lot longer and I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t deny it or avoid it anymore. I am in a 2ww. I could be pregnant. Or, I could not be. I will be counting the days and hours and minutes until I find out. Now that the Vicodin has taken the edge off a bit, I can say that I would rather be pregnant and deal with the pain than the alternative. A little bit ago, I actually was hoping that I am not so I can get the root canal. How much does that suck?

Please make the pain go away or at least take the edge of it off. Please?

* WTF - What The Fuck