Out of sorts....

I’m feeling out of sorts today. And, taking everything to the heart and personally. Not a good thing. It doesn’t help that it is a cold, rainy day here. I am usually better about that…taking things too personally. However, my defenses are a bit down right now and I am letting things get to me that I normally wouldn’t.

I have new neighbors across the street. They moved in last week. I went over to introduce myself, take them some cookies, and welcome them to the neighborhood. It is a young couple with no children and a cute little black lab puppy. She is a nurse and he is a firefighter. Her parents and grandmother happened to be over. I got the “Are you married? Do you have children?” questions. I didn’t burst into tears or get teary eyed, but I felt like it. I didn’t say, “No, I am a looser that can’t attract a husband or get/stay pregnant, let alone have children.” I thought about it, but didn’t. I was feeling especially attractive, at this point, in old navy sweats that are a tad short with paint stains and a favorite tie dye long sleeve T-Shirt with frayed sleeves and an old turtle neck underneath not having showered today. I wished I had “cleaned up” a little bit. How can doing something nice make me feel so crappy and inadequate? Needless to say, I didn’t stay long.

My sister Cindy was supposed to come visit the day after Christmas for a week. When she went to check out flights, they were too expensive and so they decided not to come. I found this out earlier in the week. My mom told me this morning that Cindy offered to pay for a ticket to bring my mom out to visit instead. Note: My sister Cindy did not tell me this directly. I heard it from my mom. Since my sister Julie and her husband and children (grown) already had plans to go to Franks sisters house this year, I guess I will be spending the holiday alone (or with my youngest sister which will almost be like being alone) this year. Nothing worse than not having anyone to open presents with. Except not having anyone to open presents with after getting a BFN on your canceled IVF/converted IUI cycle.

Actually, I was thinking earlier today that getting a BFN would not be the worst thing. Having an ectopic would probably be the worst thing. A BFN would be the second worse thing. Another early m/c wouldn’t be too great either. You can see where my thoughts are today. Happy and positive. What got me thinking about ectopic is that I have been having pinching in my left ovary region on and off all day. Probably nothing, but the way my luck has been going through this process it would be icing on the cake to loose a tube out of this try.

When I was hiking with the dogs in the rain this morning, I was thinking about the grief/loss/change curve. Have you heard of it? The stages that a person goes through when they have a loss or change? I am going from memory here because I couldn’t find the actual curve. I am sure I have it here someplace, but only gave a half hearted look. Anyway, there are stages that a person goes through with grief, loss, or change. They are denial, the valley of despair, anger, and acceptance. It is not linear. You can move back and forth through the stages. You can stay in one stage a long time or move quickly through them all. You can move forward, then back again. When I was hiking this morning, I was thinking that I was getting over being angry and moving to acceptance. After all, why be mad at my ovaries? They were really only doing what they are supposed to do. They are supposed to have a lead dominate follicle. That is their job. How can I be mad at them for just doing the job really, really well and ignoring all the drugs and medicine? As the day has progressed, I think I am moving backwards. Back into the valley of despair.

My sister Julie stopped by to borrow my carpet cleaner. She stayed awhile and had a glass of wine. Mostly, she talked about herself and told me things she has already told me several times before. Then, she tried to pry into what was going on with the ttc stuff. Her: “So how are things going with trying to get pregnant”. Me: “It’s going”. Her: “So, they are having you inject yourself up with all of these hormones?” Me: I don’t really want to talk about it.” Her: “Well, it has to be a hard process.” Me: “Yes. It is.” I changed the subject and she didn’t stay long after that. Obviously, my mom and my sisters have been talking about me behind my back on this. My mom saw the Lupron in the fridge when she was here for Thanksgiving. The last person I would want to talk to this about is my sister Julie.

I have been going out quite a bit with local SMC tryers. They have been a great support to me. I have distanced myself quite a bit from my family over the last few months. That is not to say that they are not still apart of my life. I have talked to two out of my three sisters and my mom today. The other sister is at a soccer tournament all weekend. I have started receiving condescending remarks (or at least that is how I have been taking them) from my sister Julie and my mom. “It is so nice that you are making new friends” like I am in fucking junior high and/or didn’t have any friends before. My mom has said this several times over the last few weeks. When I talked to her today and she said it again, I told her that I found it condescending and implied that I didn’t have any friends before. She, of course, said that she didn’t mean it that way, but that she really thought it was nice that I had some “single” friends to hang out with and do more with. I just let it go. I am sure that I shouldn’t have said anything. I know that they say this because they are feeling left out. I know that they are trying to be supportive. It just doesn’t feel like support.

I have been really watching my diet since this summer and I had the m/c. This has pretty much been shot to hell over the last few days. I went out shopping and to a party with a friend last night. I didn’t make the best eating choices when we went out for lunch or at the party. I also ate some of the raw cookie dough for the cookies I took to the neighbors and a few cookies. I am sure that this regression in my diet is NOT helping my mood and probably even contributing to me feeling out of sorts. Too much sugar and carbs in my diet when I haven't been having any sugar and minimal carbs.

As I said, I am feeling out of sorts today. I am over reacting to pretty much everything. I think I will go put on the rain gear and take the dogs for a nice long walk, work off some of the sugar, and get the endorphins going. Then, I will eat nice health leftovers of baked chicken, brown rice, and sugar snap peas. Then, I will light some candles, start a fire, and curl up on the couch with a good book that I am reading.

I am sure that it is a very good thing that I am not taking next week as vacation and stayed busy with friends on Friday night and all day Saturday. Clearly being alone is not the best thing for me right now.

I would feel much better if this pain on my left side would go away.