IUI #2

It’s hard writing some of this story retrospectively. In many ways, I wish I had started this blog sooner in my journey.

IUI #2 was in June. Not only did I have a cyst from my first cycle, I was going to be out of town for work a week right during planned ovulation and I needed time to recover emotionally and research causes of early pregnancy loss. So, a May cycle was out. I was still confident enough in early success that I was only buying sperm 2 vials at a time and I was able to get my number # guy again. I talked my dr. into testing for natural killer activity and progesterone after my first cycle, both possible causes of very early pregnancy loss.

I had my baseline u/s on Tuesday, June 8th and got the all clear to proceed. I took clomid for 5 days starting that night. My cd 9 u/s on Monday, June 14th showed 3 follicles a 12 on the right and a 10 and 8 on the left. I went back on Friday, June 18th for another follicle check and the right had grown to 18 and the left to 14 and 12. I triggered that night and had only one IUI on Sunday, June 29th, Father’s Day. I really liked the irony of having a fatherless child conceived on father’s day.

This cycle had the least amount of monitoring of my previous cycle and was a lot less stressful and emotional having gone through the processes once before. I remember being pretty freaked out about having to give myself the trigger shot. None of my friends or family was around that night for moral support. I stopped by the pharmacy and picked up the shot on the way home from the clinic, then picked up a dinner and a few movies to keep me entertained until the “big” event. The shot wasn’t so bad, but I was nervous and was glad to have it behind me. I found out much later (on my injectable cycle) that I actually didn’t do it correctly because I didn’t put the needle all the way in. However, it worked good enough. This was the only cycle that my lining got the desired “triple line” and the only cycle that my right ovary decided to show up and had the lead follicle. I also started acupuncture with this cycle.

It is hard to convey the feeling and emotions that went along with this cycle so I am going back to some of my IVFC posts to capture that part of the story.

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IVFC 6/14/04: I had my cd9 check today and it could have been better. Only 2 follies (one left and one right) and my lining was only 5 (same as cd3). I go back on Friday for another check. Another Dr. did the u/s and he basically said that on my 1st IUI cycle, he thought my eggs over-cooked (my words) since I didn’t OV till day 18/19. He did say that eggs were more like a fine Chardonnay instead of a Bordeaux (his words) and we didn’t want them to age that much. How did he know that I love wine and could really understand that analogy? I have been obtaining mostly due to the sugar content since I have been sleeping so badly. Now, I want some….maybe I will splurge tonight. He said I am tracking a day or two ahead of last cycle in follicle side. I added in my own mind…but still a bit too slow. On the good news side, I had my first acupuncture apt. on Sat. and LOVED it. She was really nice. I hope she can help my lining (which looks like it needs it), I have 2 more apt’s before my Fri. u/s. The best thing was that it helped me relax enough that I have gotten the 2 best nights of sleep since last year. Maybe I scared all my follies away after my stern talk about only the best, most chromosomally solid eggs maturing?? I keep reminding myself that it only takes 1.

IVFC 6/18/04: It is WAY past my bedtime and I just came on real quick (ha ha) to let everyone know that I triggered tonight. I wasn't really expecting this and had a minor anxiety attack on the way home, but then settled down. I did the HCG shot okay (I think) after the second try. I was too wimpy on the first one. My right follie was 18.? and my lining had greatly improved to 9.6 with the 3 lines they like to see so the dr. wanted me to trigger today because last time we waited until my lead follie was 20 and I had my LH surge before trigger, but didn't ov until 4 days after LH surge. I go in Sunday morning for the IUI. This is the first time my right follie has become the lead. Maybe the egg quality is better on that side?? Oh right....I have given up worrying about things like egg quality and things I can't control.

IVFC 6/21/04: After not sleeping last night because I had myself convinced that I didn't and wasn't going to ov in time and the whole cycle was a complete waste, I am the last person to talk about not worrying. I prevented myself (barely) from driving to the dr. office and begging them to do an u/s to verify I did. I didn't ease into the 2ww very well. All I can say is my BB are already killing me. It is going to be a long 2 weeks. Sigh.

IVFC 6/24/04: I have been doing so great on my 2ww ever since I got over the not ov on time thing. I have been staying off the boards today. I actually forgot about it for a few hours today and everything, if you can believe that. Until....the receptionist from my clinic called to schedule a 7dpo progesterone test. She said, "hey mommy" when she new she was talking to me. It was so nice, but everything just came slamming back. God, I want this so much I could cry right now and am getting teary eyed as I type. Even if I am a nag (I try to be a nice one), the office staff at the clinic like me (as I do them). I know that I am psychotic, they know I am psychotic (not really, but you know what I mean), it works. The receptionist has told me many times that she really hopes it works for me. The nurse that was there on Sun. with the IUI told me (when I was asking for copies of my charts to compare for "next time"...I get them as I go along and have my own set of files) told me there wasn't going to be a next time since she washed the sperm...she was going to be so proud. They are so great and want this so much for me too. I went from calm to completely stressed in about 2 sec. flat. My stomach fell, the blood started whirling through my veins. Holy cow, I think I may have to try to schedule another acu apt. for tomorrow so I can get back in that nice comfy Zone again. Okay, deep breath. I have a chiropractic apt. in a few minutes. Maybe Dr. Dan can bring me back to the nice calm I had before.

IVFC 6/25/04: I'm still feeling a bit down today. Normally, I can focus on the possibility instead of the probability, but.....sometimes, doesn't it seem like life just wants to kick you when you’re down?

IVFC 6/26/04: I am feeling better and much more positive today. I stopped work early and took a nap yesterday, had a low key evening, and slept 9 hours last night. Maybe I just needed more sleep? This from the girl who averaged 4 hrs sleep/night during IUI#1. NOT reading anything into this.

IVFC 6/28/04: I've pretty much just been cruising along in the 2ww. Other than that little funk I got in late last week, I have been taking it all in stride and much better than last time. Probably because I am sleeping. I think my body is making up for all of those months of no sleep because I have just been tired, tired, tired and I am getting PLENTY of sleep. One week down!! Hopefully, I will make it to next Monday (and beyond) with out AF showing up. While work is starting to pick back up, good thing it is still reasonably slow because I spent all afternoon running around for this ttc stuff. I am so glad that we checked my progesterone level today. It was only a 7 which according to my coordinator is too low to sustain a preg. I had just gotten home from having the blood taken and an acu apt, when I got the call and had to head back out to get progesterone suppositories. I am kind of in shock because I really wasn’t expecting a problem.

IVFC 6/30/04: All I have to say about myself is this 2WW stuff really SUCKS!! I know it has been before, but I just really felt like it needed to be said again. I really feel like this cycle is a bust and wish it would just end so I can move on. Now that I am taking the progesterone sups, my dr. confirmed that it is unlikely I will get AF this weekend even if I am not preg. and their office is closed until Tues. 7/6. Even my Dr. had more confidence in this cycle yesterday than I did. How sad is that since we all know they tend to be on the pessimistic side. I think he was feeling sorry for me because he said he would give me a prescription to have my beta at a local lab over the weekend instead of waiting until Tuesday.

IVFC 7/1/04 9:16 am: I am feeling much better and more positive today!! This morning while hiking the dogs, I just had a +, peaceful attitude like all was "right". Then, I was further motivated my U2 on the way home (think...It's a beautiful day and Stuck in a moment...for any U2 fans). I think maybe some of the negativity was tied into the work stuff. I actually have enough to do today to almost keep me busy most of the day and I plan on taking a long (maybe a long, long) lunch with a girlfriend for the rest of the day. They had a meeting yesterday for all the people who still have jobs and said that roles and responsibilities and job assignments should be done in 2 weeks. I am just so used to being busy and productive at work, it has been really hard to have so little to do. I had the faintest spotting today and would not be surprised if I have heavier spotting later today (been cramping), I think I will shoot and email of to my Dr. to ask how likely it is that the progesterone sups wouldn't work. Yeah, I know, not likely. I am trying to talk him into letting me test on Sat. instead of waiting until Tues since all the local labs are closed on both Sun. and Mon. as well as the clinic. We will see.

IVFC 7/1/04, 4:31 pm: The cramping stopped right after I posted this morning and I haven't gotten any more spotting. Hmm. Maybe just a REALLY late implant (11/12 dpo, depending on how you count it)? Is this possible? Or, rather...how likely is it?

IVFC 7/4/04: I caved on the HPT and did one today. It was neg. , which is what I was expecting, but was still so sad to see. I am on cd29 and a full 2 weeks (15 days) from IUI so if there was any HCG, it should have shown up by now. I will probably test again tomorrow and still go in on Tues, but not holding out hope. Off to distract myself.....

IVFC 7/5/04: I tested again this morning and maybe there is a bit of hope. After 3 min., I saw the faintest, faintest, faintest line that anyone with any kind of eye problems would probably not make out. I looked at it again after 30 min and the second line was still very, very faint, but a bit darker. I am just hoping I will know tomorrow. I am going to a ballgame tomorrow night with a friend. It was supposed to be either a celebrate or commiserate outing, but at least it will be a distraction if I still don't know.

IVFC 7/6/04, 3:35 pm: Tic Toc, Tic Toc, watching the clock and willing the phone to ring...and have it be my Dr. .....with good news. I think I need to go at least pretend to get some work done in between all the repeated calls from my family asking if I had any news. Like I would not call them and tell them. I know they are just trying to be supportive, but I wonder why they think calling me every 15 min. is helpful? I am so tired and wondering why I agreed to go to the ballgame with my friend tonight. I am sure it will be fun, but a quite night at home with a good book sounds really nice right now.

IVFC 7/6/04, 4:24 pm: Yahoo!!! I just heard from my dr. and I am preg. (at least for now) . I can't believe it!! He said my ##'s were great. HCG is 52.16 and progesterone 16.53. I go back Thurs. early for a second beta.

IVFC 7/8/04: I had my second beta today and the numbers looked great. My Dr. said "you are very preg." Beta 1(Tues. late am) - 52.16; Beta 2 (Thurs. early am) - 110.54. We talked briefly about the chance of multiples, but I think it is very unlikely (although both of my grandfathers were twins). U/S scheduled for Tues. 7/20. My cousin (who will be in town from MI) and my closest girlfriend are going with me for moral support. So, everything is looking great and I am feeling very good (just a bit tired all the time, especially the afternoons ).

IVFC 7/9/04: I have just been so excited and worried that I have not been sleeping that well ever since I got BFP and last night was the worst. I went to bed at 9:30 last night exhausted, but didn't fall asleep until after 11. My mind was just spinning and spinning and spinning. Then, I woke up at 2 am and never fell back asleep. Needless to say, I called my acu first thing this morning and told her I was back to my old bad habits and could she see me. She is so sweet, she rearranged her schedule to get me in this afternoon. I know how important these first few weeks are to my little baby with all of the organs forming, etc. etc. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it, but how do I make myself sleep? I am trying not to stress myself out over the lack of sleep. I reminded myself not getting m/s is a GOOD thing and I am not spotting or cramping...so not to worry...but, of course, I am. I am so glad my cousin and her kids are coming tonight (until Aug. 1st) because it will help keep me distracted until my first u/s.

IVFC 7/11/04: I started spotting and cramping this afternoon. I am really afraid this is the beginning of the end. I am so scared. I am trying not to totally freak out here. I'm going to go laid down some more and pray.

IVFC 7/12/04: It's over – basically. I just talked to my dr. a bit ago. I go in tomorrow for a u/s; another beta to make sure today's results weren't a fluke or lab error; and probably a D&C. Today's beta was only 155. Last Thurs. was 110. Barring a fluke, lab error...or a miracle between now and then, it is basically over. My heart is just breaking right now.

IVFC 7/13/04, 5:36 pm: I had a long talk with my dr. today. The u/s showed nothing. No sack to be seen anywhere. Waiting for the clinic to call me back to schedule the d&c which i was hoping would be tomorrow, but...probably Thurs. at this point. He thinks that it may have been caused by my fibroids because I had more cramping than spotting. A recent study out of N. Carolina (that has been presented, but not published) shows that the smaller fibroids like I have a 55% m/c rate. We are going to test the tissue for abnormalities. If none are found, he recommends removing the fibroids. Either way, it will be months before I can try again. I am doing much, much better today than yesterday.

IVFC 7/13/04, 6:32 pm: My beta today dropped from 155.23 yesterday to 61.43 today. Even if they did the d&c tomorrow, they don't think they would get enough tissue to test. I go back on Friday for another beta to make sure it has dropped to 0. So, now I know NOTHING!! I hate this f*cking ride right now!!! I guess the good news is that if I can find a new sperm donor (mine is no longer available) I can cycle again sooner rather than later and hope and pray for better results the next time.
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And that was IUI #2. It was a more difficult journey than I remembered and hard to re-read. It brought the joy of the positive beta and the devastation of the miscarriage back to the forefront. I guess I had really suppressed those memories.