Friday, November 30, 2007

eye infection (edited)

It's not even 5:30 am yet and I'm already feeling tired, worn down and wishing I could just stay in bed and have a good cry today.

Here's the email I just sent to one of the RE's in my clinic:
I've had this cold/virus all week and woke up with crusties and a swollen eye this morning so somehow managed to get an eye infection out of this. I am in for an u/s and e2 check today at 1 pm since I have to be out of town next week just to check the lining because my e2 was low (basically sucked) earlier in the week. Is there any way I can just get a prescription from you today while I'm in so I don't have to try to get into my primary care doctor today as well (the thought of having to tell them "what medications are you currently taking" seems too much in addition to the pure logistics)? If not, while I can't imagine it being an issue right now I have to ask (because he will ask or want to talk to you/the clinic), is there any antibiotic cream or whatever they will prescribe that would interfere with the cycle or something that would be better than another? I'll call the office between 8:30 - 9 am in case you don't happen to be the early bird riser/email checker that I am so I know whether to call the PCP. Thanks! See you this afternoon. Deb

Since I have two employees retiring today with exit interviews first thing, a meeting with my new boss, the u/s e2 appointment, an acupuncture appointment (that will have to go if I don't get the prescription from the RE and may have to get canceled anyway depending on my stress level), and a desperate need to get groceries especially milk before heading in to the weekend all while really needing to actually get some work done.

Suffice it to say my stress level is HIGH today.

A stressed out, fat, hormone induced, cold/virus ridden buggery coughing woman with a swollen/read/weepy eye infection. Just what the world needs. Looking and feeling lovely over here today -- NOT.

I'd give in to the whole crying fit, but I'm sure it will just make things worse so I'll buck up, suck it up, and trudge on.

ETA: And, now it is raining. Wonderful. This may not be a problem in the rest of the world, but a little rain around here really screws everything up making traffic horrible and at least doubles travel time. And, I won't tell you that Max is awake (early) and in his crib singing songs to the Sound of Music and just sounding adorable because that will ruin the whole 'tone' of this post about how hard and awful and completely joyless my life is. Yesterday morning he also woke up early and was just laughing and laughing and laughing in his crib. I went to go get him early just so I could try to find out what he was so amused. As near as I can tell, it was because he had taken off his socks and thrown them overboard. He got really quiet again when the rain started. Taking it all in. I'll probably give him and myself another 10 minutes of alone time before going and freeing him for the day.

ETA: OMG, my son is so darn cute I can hardly stand it. Hard to have a completely sucky day with him in it. He's now singing "It's raining it's pouring. Can't get out of bed in the MORNING". LOL. In spite of it all, he has me laughing over here. Let me go get him and offically start our day.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

In memory.....

A year ago, a tragic car accident killed my RE. I could give the alleged details and reports of what happened. That could tell the how. I still ask myself and wonder 'why'. The lives of countless people were changed in that instant. For me, the year has dulled the shock and the pain and the grief. The sadness is still there.

If you've followed my story for any length of time, you will know how much Dr. N meant to me (and so many others). If you've followed my story for any length of time, you will know that this was a very difficult and emotional year from a ttc perspective, made even more difficult with the loss of Dr. N. Nothing was the same. Nothing will ever be the same again. I've cycled and been monitored with Dr. N's colleagues, but I would not really consider either my RE. And, I think if you asked them, they still see me as Dr. N's patient. I've really been my own RE this year based on what I learned from Dr. N. Often, I think and wonder how this year would have been different had that routine, weekly trip to teach hadn't ended his life. How it would have been different for me, his other patients, his wife and children, the daughter that he never saw or held or kissed. How it could have been different. I wonder if I would have, could have gotten pregnant with another child from my own eggs with my own genes. Questions that really have no answers. The reality is, for me, it likely made no physical difference. Emotionally, it made all the difference in the world.

I said it a year ago and I'll say it again today. It is just so unfair. It should never have happened. I'll never understand 'why'.

A year ago, I was, like now, in the preliminary phases of an IVF cycle. A modified Estrogen Priming protocol that Dr. N and I had cooked up as my best chance to conceive. I crashed and burned with poor response, again. In my heart of hearts, I knew at the time it was my last shot with my own eggs and that anything I did this year would just be doing what I had to do to move on. I've grieved the loss of another genetic child, a full sibling to Max along with my grieving for Dr. N.

I don't think I will ever really stop grieving for both. I've done what I had to do this year to come to peace. Time has done some healing and the grief isn't so raw or so present in my every day life. I can drive to and from the clinic without crying both ways at my loss(es). The grief and sadness isn't as intense, but I don't think it will ever be fully gone.

Nora Grace

If I'm ever fortunate enough to get pregnant again and have another child. Likely, that child will be named in memory of Dr. N. I've thought long and hard about it while hoping and praying and wishing upon that star for another child. And, if I am fortunate to have another child and that child is a girl (and some have predicted that I do and it is), I'm pretty sure her name will be Nora Grace. If, I'm fortunate enough to have another child and the child is a boy, I'm still undecided. After much thought and contemplating and pondering, I haven't quite come up with just the right boy name. Who knows, I could always change my mind. Heck, I went into the hospital planning to name Max Zachary Edward, Zachary Edward was going to be Audrey Elizabeth until around week 30 when I found out I was boy instead of a girl.

But, for some reason, Nora Grace just feels right.

Anyway, Dr. N, I can't believe it has been a year. I still miss you more than I could ever say. I really hope you are in a better place. I hope you know what a legacy you left behind with your family and kids and patients. Or, maybe you do know and are looking down still helping to guide and watch. Gently, from the sidelines. I have to say, if so, it just isn't the same. It will never be the same. Those you left behind are still affected. We will never forget you. Dr. N, I will never forget you. The tears I cry today on your behalf are not with the same shock and intense emotion as the tears I cried a year ago. However, they are just as sad.

Note: Dr. N's death was actually the morning of Monday, November 27, 2006. I've been thinking about him and his death all week. I've been drafting this entry in my head all week, but just didn't have it in me to actually write this post until today. I wasn't able to let it go enough the last few days. Hard day, hard week, hard year.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Donor started stims, and other random thoughts

My donor had her baseline u/s sound yesterday and started stims. She had 20 preantrals....ON EACH SIDE...for a total of 40. Holy crap is all I can say to that. Really, I hope that no more than 20 are retrieved because I think that quality gets compromised with too much quantity. But, 40. Wow! As I told my coordinator, I don't think I had 40 total the entire time I've been ttc. I hope she doesn't over stim again. She got mild OHSS last time. We lowered the dosage. The protocol is solid. What will be will be at this point.

My e2 was 153 on Monday, which basically sucks. I did better about remembering my Viagra today. In part, because a friend gave me a fertility bracelet last night that I wore as a reminder. Another friend gave me a fertility stone on Monday night. Both said they had been carrying them around for me for ages, maybe even a year. I'm hoping it is extra good luck that they both gave them to me now.

I was thinking it was my good fortune that Max decided to take off his diaper and poo and pee all over his crib during nap time (not on my watch) so I didn't have to clean up the mess until I went to put him down for bed and realized it smelled too bad in there to have gotten cleaned all the way. Had to pull the crib out to get to a monster size BM and clean poo off the wall and outside of the crib.

I'm tired of coughing and stuffy noses and sucking on cough drops, but I am feeling better than I have been the last few days. Not great, but better.

My cousin left today and the house seems a bit quiet and lonely and empty even if I was ready for a break and some true alone time (after Max is in bed for the night).

Hard to stay too down about things with Max around. He's just talking up a storm. Singing all of the songs in Sound of Music. And, decided the last two nights that he wants to "hug your arm momma. Sleep with your arm." and proceeds to cuddle himself around my hand and arm in a big body hug. Just made my heart melt, but not enough to let him get away with it for more than 30 seconds or so. He is a charmer, but as I told him. Shadow and City need a turn and I'm tired and want to go to bed myself.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

sups = PITA

I was supposed to do 4 Viagra suppositories today. Started off great. Twelve hours later, I remembered I never did doses 2 and 3. Sigh. So, I doubled up and will try to remember to take one in the middle of the night. That should al most get me to 4. Sure hope my lining doesn't completely suck. Now, extra glad I have that early appointment on Friday.

Suppositories are a PITA in the best of time, but annoying beyond belief when you have a bad cough. Insert suppository. Cough. Suppository comes out. Insert again. Cough. Suppository comes out. If you have done suppositories, you have not a clue what I'm talking about. And, if you have, you know all too well.

Plus, I have to be extra, extra careful. Check twice and all that. To make sure I don't accidentally take the progesterone suppositories instead of the Viagra ones since they look exactly the same on the outside and only this small label on the packaging bag tells the tale.

Can't tell you how much fun I'm having now. Still feel terrible. My cousin is leaving tomorrow and I pretty much left her to her own devises and climbed into bed after taking some cold/cough medicine and a warm bath.

Is it just me, or does this seem like the longest cycle in the history of cycles?

I wonder how my donors baseline u/s went and if she started stims today.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Today is done

Today is done. Tomorrow starts another one.

Back to work for me today. Didn't make a dent in my email, but cleared it enough that I can actually send outgoing messages again.

A rare and nice dinner out with friends tonight.

A stop by the clinic for a blood draw. E2 number was low so they are up'ing my delestrone for tomorrow. Possibly, I should be worried the number was so low and the meds were increased, but can't muster the energy at the moment. I'd tell you what it is, but don't remember exactly as I got the number while driving and couldn't write it down. Must email coorinator to vefify and get details. Maybe it was 145 or 153 and ideal would have been in the 500's. Increase e2v to .3 (up from .2). Worst case scenario (in regards to me and my response) is that my lining will suck and I won't go to transfer. It will be what it will be.

Trip out of town next week for work to meet new boss and do organization planning. If it had to be during a (very expensive) cycle, it really are the best days. As much of a pain as it is, it really is an honor as only 6 people in our entire organization was invited; 3 out of the 6 are a direct report to me; and I was the only one of my peers. Had it been any other days, I would have had to regretfully decline. I'm glad I don't.

Still not feeling great. Feeling better. Not great.

Long, busy, mostly good day. I'm glad it's done. Maybe I'll get more done tomorrow after being able to put in a full day of work.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

I'm ready

I'm ready to have my house back to myself.

I'm ready to be feeling better.

I'm ready for Max to take a nap.

I'm ready to take a nap myself (although that seems highly unlikely at the moment).

I'm ready for a new foster dog, and looks like I'll be getting a temporary placement of a 2 year old, which is WAY younger than what I would normally take in.

I'm NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Fire, not the actual flame kind (edited)

I woke up several hours ago with my throat on fire. The 3 o'clock hour is never a good one to wake in, at least for me. It makes the next day really, really long. Several hours later, several cups of tea later, and after a bath, I'm only feeling bad, not awful.

Remembered that I forgot that Max has his gym class this morning. If he's feeling okay, I'll probably sacrifice the floor cleaning to go. Yet, will not be sacrificing nap time to do the floors. As disgusting as they are, they will likely have to wait as I don't think my cousin will be up for doing them either as she met me in the kitchen on my first trip in saying she'd been up for a few hours and was trying to get back to sleep.

Lupron and folic acid are taken care of for the day so now I only need to remember the important E2V shot this evening.

Probably won't, but going to try to catch a few more zzzzz's before Max wakes up.

ETA: Ha, ha, ha. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, Max awoke. Throat still really hurts. No gym class for either of us. Max is off to shop with my cousin. I have permission to leave the floor and climb into bed, which is what I have done/am doing. Blah, I hate being sick, especially on my last few days of vacation.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Turkey Day

Nice day here. Pre-cooked, heat and serve meal from Gelsons was the way to go. Everyone, except Max and I, got a nap. Max played nicely in his crib during nap time, but was too excited with the company and the promise of another Jeep ride. When I went in and asked him if he was ready to get up he said "YES! JEEP RIDE" that had my cousin laughing from two rooms away. My sister is staying the night and the car seat is still in her car so I bet he gets one more before she goes. :) He's feeling a lot better, but still battling a cough and congestion. And, I'm also now battling a cough, but not feeling too badly. I only got mildly annoyed once with my cousin when she shouted for her daughter, who was across the house, to come and change the channel for her in the room she was in so she didn't have to get out of bed and once with my mom who called me in from the other room to change the TV channel, but all and all a very pleasant, low key holiday. My cousin said her favorite, least stressful Thanksgiving ever. We have another few low key days planned so it should be nice. As I told my cousin, the only thing I really wanted to get done tomorrow was the floors that I wanted to get done before she even got here and never did, They are just so dirty and gross and I can't take it. I asked for her to take both the kids for an hour or so in the morning so I could do them or I could take the kids out and she could do them. I think she wants to do some shopping so will likely do that with them while I clean up, which is fine.

Cycle wise, just cruising. Today was just a dex, lupron, folic acid day. So, two pills and one small shot. Nothing to it. I'm just double checking the schedule regularly to make sure I don't miss anything or do something stupid. Plus, now have to remember to give Max meds twice a day in addition to all the meds I already give Shadow. Doesn't seem like it should be hard, but ... sadly, it is.

One of the books I got for Max recently was called, The Night Before Thanksgiving. It was the best $4 I've spent in a long time. I've read it over and over and over to Max this week. He calls it the "eating book. Momma, read the eating book." Yes, good to know after the holiday is over. I know.

Anyway, the day was just the way I think a holiday should be. Fun. Filled with family. Relaxing and relatively stress free.

I know I lead a sad, boring existence, but I even got out of the house for a bit after Max was asleep while my cousin and I ran to the drug store (my sister watched the kids) because I decided I needed a humidifier and Vicks Vapo Steam for my room too tonight. It happens so rarely. I told my cousin it is kind of freeing.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Sick, Sick, Sick Again

Sick, Sick, Sick Again, my son is sick again, wearily, wearily, wearily, back to the peds we went.

Confirmed ear infection. Perked right back up after the first dose of meds, administered in the car before leaving the parking lot. Not how I really planned to spend Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving, but what's a mom to do. When the alternative is a miserable, sick, whinny child for Thanksgiving when only the ER would be open. Yep, called quicker than you can blink and eye to get in. I'd like to say it was my awesome mommy intuition that diagnosed. However, even if you over look the classic mild fever after a week long cold, the "mommy, owie, ear owie" as Max pointed to his ear pretty much told the tale. I have to tell you, this having a kid who can talk and communicate is incredible, even if a good portion of the time you hear, "no, mm mm" as in "not happening and you can't make me".

When people ask me how I spent my vacation, taking care of my sick child will be the standard response. While 100% true, it only tells half the tale.

I'm so glad we ordered precooked, heat and serve meal that was picked up today supplemented by a few appetizers which are already made and we're going to supplement with a box of stove top stuffing and a few desserts that are already made. The only thing that needs to be done tomorrow really is cutting up a few veggies. I think we are all feeling tad weary and under the weather so it is nice to not have a lot of cooking and cleaning stress.

Didn't take the dex today and that has helped a lot, although taking it I think has helped me from getting the full blown cold/virus Max has had.

I woke up at 4 something am (after my 6 solid, uninterrupted hours of sleep), still a bit upset about the whole vet incident so I purged most of the remaining angst over the whole thing by writing a letter to my vet to send if she didn't call back today. She did call back, but I missed her call while dealing with sick boy so maybe we can connect on Friday. A combination of the writing purge and the call back even if we didn't talk has let me put the whole incident behind me. I still have a few things to say to the vet, but it will be not be coming from the emotional pool when we do.

Off to check laundry and head to bed. Had to wash my bath mats after a massive bleeder when doing my delestrogen shot last night. I was too slow on the draw as tired as I was and left a bloody mess. Sigh. It was a big ole mess. See, that's what I get for even thinking about not having bruises and bleeders the other day. Sure fire way to jinx yourself. Just talk, mention, or even think about the fact that it hasn't happened.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


My nice zen mood was shattered today. In a big way.

No, no. My u/s went fine. My e2 is only 18, which is good. I'm all set to start the estrogen injection tonight. My cycle continues to go well.

No, the fact that I realized this morning that after a week on Lupron, I was supposed to have been refrigerating it didn't do it. I was a bit irritated with myself, but have been around long enough that I was pretty sure I hadn't ruined my entire cycle and the world wasn't ending. Which my coordinator confirmed when I went in for my appointment along with the fact that I don't need to replace it.

No, what has me all upset, is what was supposed to be a quick stop by the vets office to get refills on Shadows meds. I didn't need to pick them up today, but was going right past the office and could leave early enough to stop in on the way as long as they were ready. Which, I was assured they would be and that I would be called if they weren't. Not only were they not ready, the person hadn't even gotten approval yet. I explained that I was in a hurry and did not have time to wait today and would come back later, but they insisted they would do in now. Which she did do, but not quickly. I have not been really happy with my vets office staff, which is young and relatively new, recently, but they really were quite rude and unprofessional this morning. I have a call into my vet to discuss (as I told them I would be doing), but actually have no confidence they will actually give her the message. I'm upset enough that I will follow up until I discuss this with her even if I have to make an appointment to do so. I really do like my vet and have been going to her, gosh for at least 10 - 12 years now even though she is a bit far and not very convenient, but if her office staff continues to be discourteous, I will be changing and plan on telling her so.

I left the vets crying and late and just cried on and off to my appointment and in fact have been crying on and off since. I can't even nap I'm so upset.

When I got to my appointment, 10 minutes late (after having to wait 15 minutes at the vets), the receptionist, joked with a "your late missy" before she saw my face. To which, I replied I know and burst into tears all over again. I think they were all king of shocked since I'm not usually very emotional and have been there through a lot of bad times like multiple m/c, multiple cycle cancellations, Dr. N's death, etc. and I have never burst into tears while actually in the office. They were all so nice about it and had me laughing and joking by the end of the visit.

But, when I try to quite my mind enough to sleep, I just get all upset and steamed all over again. I'm usually pretty reasonable and I know that I'm making much more out of this than needs to be, but I just can't seem to help myself. I tell myself not to let some young, foolish, inconsiderate people ruin your day and take your power away. Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, I'm having a hard time letting it go.

Just a little more sleep would help. All together. Without interruption.

My coordinator and I agreed for me to start taking the dex every other day. That should help a little.

Hopefully, I'll be back to my normally scheduled zen state by tomorrow. It was here. I was doing fine. Until, just like was gone. No warning. No build up. Snap.

Being all worked up and emotional is too much work and too tiring for someone who is already tired. I hope my vet does call me back relatively quickly so I can say what I feel like I have to say and put the whole thing behind me.

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

Sleep, Glorious Sleep....How I long for you.

Sleep, Glorious Sleep...How I miss you.

Truthfully, I don't really miss the sleep when I'm riding high and not feeling tired.

I just hate when my ass is dragging and I'm so tired living seems hard. And, you've got living to do, things to get accomplished, plans. So, you just work through it, tired.

It was a ruff night here last night with my sleep being from around midnight to 12:20 am, 1:30 to 3 am, with Max in my bed which was probably a big mistake but I was tired and desperate, and 4:30 - 6:20 am. I think Max enjoyed that napping on my chest thing as much as I did last week and keeps wanting to "fall asleep on mommy".

Well, we'll add company in the mix and estrogen in my body if all goes well at my appointment and with my blood draw today all right before bedtime. Maybe the combination of the two will help. I'd say it can't be worse, but then I'm usually proven wrong so I won't say that. Okay, I didn't even think it, really. I didn't.

I was thinking this morning as I was doing my lupron shot how I've been doing this for a week and didn't have one bruise and how folks talk about a bruised belly and how that wasn't a problem for me cause I had so much fat and a room for such measly small shots. And, yes, I did get a bleeder and a bruise today thank you very much.

I'm tired of being and feeling tired and wired. And, it's all worth it if it works.

God, please let this cycle work. Pretty please, with sugar on top with a cherry?

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Minutia of Life and Cycle Hormones

I know this may seem odd, but sometimes this whole donor egg cycling thing seems a bit surreal. I'll be going along my business and the thought "Holy Crap, I'm doing a DE cycle and it may actually work this time" surfaces. I mean, I know I'm doing a cycle. I've had tasks and action items and been executing the plan for months, but sometimes the reality hits. And, what it does, I feel joy and happiness and hope. Because, maybe, just maybe, it may work this time.

Today was the opposite of last week -- scheduled. Max and I made up missing all of his classes last week with a 9:15 am make up gym class, an 11 am music class (normally, he goes to the 10 am class, but I was able to push it back so we could also do the gym class), and his 4:30 pm swimming lesson. It was a lot, but not overwhelming or too much. I think he was glad to get out of the house actually now that he is feeling better and to have me go with him for a change.

All of a sudden today, I've gotten "hormonal" and emotional.

I really had to hold myself back during Max's gym class. He was climbing this structure with such confidence and ease while talking to me about something. It was just a big whammy about how blessed I am that he is in my life, what a really, really great kid he is, and how much and fast he is growing. It was like a flash back to the first gym class I took him where I had to hover and be right there to catch him when he stumbled. It was an amazing moment, probably underscored because I don't get to go and see his progress each week.

There were a few other times that I got all tear eyed like listening to a song called Watching You by Trace Adkins (?) as I identified with the man whose son watches and wants to be 'just like him', cause Max is the same way. It is such an awesome and humbling responsibility.

Switching gears, I've gotten Max a bunch of new books for Christmas. I think I may try to get four more to make it an even 12 and give him one each day for the twelve days of Christmas leading up to the actual day. I know I was worried back not to long ago that he didn't seem that into books. All of a sudden, he is and seems to get it and want the longer stories. It is so cool. He's been into Dr. Seuss One Fish Two Fish and Green Eggs and Ham this week. He hasn't wanted any songs before bed. "Book, mommy. Read book" and he'll tell me which one he wants. He's been really only picking one per night and wanting it read 2, 3, 4 (and more, really as long as I am willing and until I put my foot down that it is time). Several of the books I ordered came in the mail today including one called, "The Night Before Thanksgiving" which I gave to him and ended up reading at least 3 times. It's a cute book and Max had me smiling when he called it the eating book. "Read, eating book, mommy. Eating book."

I'm tired. I'm spent. I'm done with home improvement projects for the foreseeable future, except for cutting and attaching the cork to the pantry door. I did another polyurethane coat tonight and I had to dig into reserves to do it and finish it. They could probably use another coat or two, but I don't have it in me. I'm too tired and was getting too sloppy. So, I'm done. I've cleaned up. Put all the supplies back in the garage. Done. Finished. No more. You can't make me.

Before I could tackle the cabinets tonight, I really needed to get a few pieces of meat marinating for later in the week. Max got to bed late. Rather, Max got to bed on time and then got up several times. "Fresh Diaper, Mommy. Fresh Diaper", even after I explained I had just put that one on him and it really was already pretty wet. Then, he had farts and wanted to go "Poo Poo on Potty Mommy." So, out of the crib, out of his diaper and PJ's to sit on the toilet. Ultimately, a false alarm (just gas), but he'll probably end up waking up early with a BM. He's got the pee thing down as long as he doesn't have a diaper on, but is still trying to figure out the whole BM vs. gas/fart thing. He still hasn't ever poo'd on the toilet so I would have been happy and impressed if he had. He has gone outside on the grass a few times "like the doggies". :) He's starting to get it.

Okay, enough. I'm tired and rambling at this point about the minutia of life.

Stage 2 of my vacation starts tomorrow. 1) my cousin comes 2) my baseline u/s appointment should give me the go ahead to add in meds as I move into the next stage of the cycle.

I'm glad I've gotten everything done I have this week. And, I'm glad I have nothing more than just the basics planned for the rest of my vacation.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Check, Check, Check

Today's cycle calendar said to expect period. And, it came, right on schedule. Okay, it said that for yesterday as well. But, hey, it showed up on one of the two expected days. I think it's an omen that this cycle is going to go exceedingly well. With my period, came an end to my energy high I've been on all week and a general feeling of blah and bloat. Sadly, I had a full day and just had to suck it up. Good thing Max is on the mend and feeling a lot better today. I'm not sure I had it in me to be as lovey dovey as I have the last few days. Sure, I would have sucked it up if I had to and he was a tad whiny and grumpy still, but he slept great last night and for his nap. Allowing me to finish my gate painting project and get two coats of polyurethane on the kitchen cabinets, which I was hoping to not have to do, but .... the stain was texturally unappealing to me (slimy and sticky) it needed to be done. I may do another coat tomorrow night before I do the floors and general clean up before my cousin gets in on Tuesday. I'm still glad I did it because it does look a lot better. I was noting to myself how my standards have changed since I had Max in that I kept telling myself it doesn't have to be perfect, just improved/better than it was, and it is. No way would it have gotten done if I had sanded and prepped and washed things down like I should have. But, it does look significantly better. And, thank goodness for wonderful friends who do things like bring food for breakfast and a paint brush for me to use (since I had lent all of mine to my mom and never got them back and had no time to get it today really). In my defense on the bring your own food thing, we had planned to get together at her house and had to change venues at the last minute so she had already shopped and I hadn't. And, thank goodness for free grocery delivery, that came after breakfast, so I now have a house stocked full of food and at least 3 meals planned, in addition to Thanksgiving, while my cousin is here. While waiting, literally, for the paint to dry so I could put on the second coat, I worked on and almost finished my Christmas cards. I only have about 10 left to do. There getting dropped in the mail on Friday. Yes, I do plan on being obscenely early on everything Christmas this year. I'm a list person, even if the list is only in my head, and I'm feeling incredibly proud and productive with how many things are just getting checked off my to do list. While tired, not necessarily sleepy, getting so much done now is helping keep me in my nice zen place in regards to the cycle so close to Christmas. I want to not be stressed for this cycle and enjoy Christmas. Granted, I didn't NEED to take on these home improvement projects, but got to get something productive done while on the dex high and it's amazing how much more productive you can be when you don't sleep much.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Snowmen and Jeep Rides


Max has really been into snowmen for awhile now. Maybe since summer. But, tis the season (around here at least :), and he's loving it. We haven't done much this week since he's been sick, but hang around the house. Here is one of 'his' projects. He loved mixing and making them. Wouldn't even hear of eating them.

This week has really been great, in spite of Max being sick. It has made me realize how little time we usually have to just hang around, do nothing, and 'be'. I think we are both enjoying it. He spent the second half of his nap the last two days sleeping in my arms in the rocker after waking up coughing and crying. Since I knew he needed more sleep, I just slowed down, put all those projects, things I 'could' be doing, want to get done, and just cleared my mind and held my boy. It's been at least since I stopped breastfeeding him at 7 months since he's slept in my arms. It really has been nice.

I've asked him if he's wanted to go do go see the trains, the park, walk the doggy. He's liked the idea, but hasn't really wanted to get ready so we haven't done much. The only thing he really, really, wanted to do today was go on a Jeep drive.

Jeep Rides

This is so cool!
Will you stop with the pictures already? Please, let's go.
Let's GO!
Aunt K came through. God, he was so happy. Laughing and shouting "Faster, Faster". K's Jeep is her pride and joy. She drove 40 - 45 minutes one way to come and spend an hour or so letting him play in it and then going to lunch. Max had us both laughing when we pulled back in the drive way and said "Nice ride". Oh, that boy of mine. His expression in these pictures don't do justice to the extreme joy he had seeing, touching, and driving in the jeep. I know she was so happy she made the effort when she saw and heard Max's excitement.

Of course, since the car seat was out of the car, it had to get a total cleaning prior to going back in my car. It was disgustingly filthy. I don't care what the car seat instructions said, that cover had to go through the washing machine (on hand wash) and drier (on air fluff/low). The activity I was in the middle of when Mr. Max woke crying from his nap asking for his momma. It waited. It got done. After I held my little boy who is growing so darn fast.

We spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Sound of Music. He did get bored with a few parts, but over all loved it. Maybe partly because I've sung him some of the songs since he was a baby. He thought it was hilarious when they all fell out of the boat and wanted to see that again.

Nice day.

And, damn. The paint is now dry on my third primer coat on the gate project and ready for prime time paint. I really dislike all parts of painting and will be glad when this project is done. Since it is spray paint, I really think 3 more coats. I can get one more in tonight. Now. Then, maybe first thing in the morning and then again at nap time. But, most likely not until tomorrow night (one at nap time and one after bedtime).

ETA: Probably the funniest thing about the whole Jeep ride itself was after we had pulled into the parking lot for the restaurant, two women who were probably at least in their 60's if not older, came up with big smiles and commented on what a picture we made and how Max was just glowing with happiness and how great for us for zipping him around in a Jeep.

I'd really love to know and understand how my son's mind worked sometimes. As my sister said, the entire desire to ride in a Jeep and to get upset because he couldn't was just so random. I mean, I'm fine with going with the flow. It's kind of just funny that he saw a Jeep parked on the street the other day and just knew he wanted to ride in one. He does have an old army jeep plastic toy that is now missing one wheel that he plays with a lot in the tub that has been around the house forever/years before Max ever entered the picture. Maybe that combined with seeing the Jeep and not feeling well, just all boiled up. And, it was really great that my sister actually has a Jeep (which I may have mentioned to Max in the past, but not anytime recently) who was willing to go out of her way to humor my son. Certainly, he would have been fine had we not been able to arrange such and outing, but it sure is great to so meet your child's expectations and to see him so happy. If you could have heard the laughter and seen the smiles and excitement.

Two more coats of paint applied tonight so I think only one more during the day/daylight should do it. Hallelujah! Clearly, I have not been doing enough squats and my wrist and pointer finger are so sore. Also, did on-line grocery shopping to be delivered tomorrow during nap time. Sadly, they didn't have any paint brushes as well. However, being single, it is really hard to often get out to get the groceries you need, so it is really great that they now have this online grocery thing and it is so easy and convient to use. I can "shop" after Max has gone to bed and receive the groceries the next day when I'll be home during nap time anyway. So worth it. Shipping is only about $10, but I ended up getting free delivery about 1/2 the time because of promotions or discounts.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Sushi in the tub

What? You've never eaten sushi in the tub? You should try it. It's really quite decedent. I would strongly recommend opening any packages of soy sauce prior to actually getting in the tub and having wet hands. Really, the soy in the tub didn't diminish the experience. I'm sure there is some sort of anti aging property in it or somethings. Not only did it reduce my hunger pains, my late night snack gave me two more opportunities to go into the kitchen to admire my earlier handiwork.

See the interesting things you can do and try when you don't need sleep like mere mortals.

For those who are saying....ah, yes, get that sushi in now because soon you will be pregnant and it's not recommended while pregnant...I tell you, it wasn't real was California rolls (the fake sushi that can be had anytime cause I'm not really into raw fish pregnant or otherwise) and I'm pretty sure the place I ordered it from uses imitation crab at, fake all around. And, the bath, the bath. Yes, well, assuming I make it to transfer, I'll probably abstain for baths for a bit, but no likely the entire pregnancy. I don't care what they belly is big enough I can easily keep it outside the water so I don't bake the kid.

Since Max went to bed late and had a broken nap, he should be waking extra early. Maybe even that 4 o'clock hour. Which means, I likely will be getting only 4 - 6 hours a sleep best case...if I can fall asleep within the next minute. Unless, I get a break and he sleeps in a bit, which could happen, just not very likely.

Sleep. Glorious sleep. How I miss thee.

ETA: It was 3. He woke at 3. Ugh! Actually, that is good for him because it is early enough that he will and did go back to sleep (and is just now starting to stir). But, me...oh my...not nearly enough. I'm pretty sure I did doze between 4:30 and 5:30 and again between 5:30 and 6:30, but it sure didn't feel restful. On the positive side though, I just took another dose of dex so I should perk back up again in a bit. :)

Riding the dex high

I'm not the worlds best sleeper in the best of circumstances, but put me on dex and things go down hill fast. The one plus is that I'm hyped, wired, revved up so I'm not dragging around or tired. Last night I got about 6 hours. The night before that around 4. And, this is with Tylenol PM to counter balance things. I've tried it without and it isn't pretty.

Tonight, after Max was asleep, I re-stained my kitchen cabinets. They look great. All nice and shiny and fresh looking. Probably, no one else would notice, but it is a significant improvement. I'm feeling all proud and accomplished. I hadn't actually planned to be so ambitious. I was only going to stain this pantry I had added probably about 5 years ago now that has been sitting there bare and naked for far too long. I did a coat earlier today and it went pretty fast so I decided I would re-stain the entire wall to blend things in a bit even though the stain was a good match. And, I just started and kept on going. Twice. Cause I did a second coat. Ha Ha. Looking good. Feeling proud. Do I know how to spend a Friday night or what?

On tap tomorrow or when ever time allows is putting some cork board up in the pantry door over the particle board. The hardest part of that for me will be cutting it properly to size. Then, I also got some paint to finally get to that "new" gate that has been sitting unprimed and painted for probably at least 3 years.

All projects that are good to get done prior to a pregnancy and infant in the house. Yes? Let's just call it early nesting. And, even if I don't end up pregnant, I've got a few long outstanding projects done.

When I was pregnant with Max, I had (almost) the entire interior of the house painted. It was a huge mess. Everything was tore apart. Closets and cabinets are still not back to how they were/I'd really like them in an ideal world. I swore I would never do such a thing again. That's why I'm getting estimates to have the wood floor in my room replaced (it's been buckled for years now) and the floors redone in the back half of the house. I'm getting estimates to have wood put in my office, Max's room, and the spare room which have old carpet that was in when I bought the house 12 years ago; and the hallway and guest bathroom tiled. It's really needed to be done for awhile and when I was re-financing for big expensive cycle that hopefully will work, I worked into the budget some of this home improvement. I like that carpet is nice and soft and comfortable to sit on, but I just don't see it as practicle with kids and dogs. Cause, my word, the amount of dirt that gets tracked in every day is amazing. I have white tile in the main house (here when I bought it and too expensive to change) and it is amazing when clean. And, the floors get done pretty much every weekday, they need it so much. I couldn't imagine with carpet. I shutter to think about it.

I dragged my sick child out shopping today. We weren't gone too long and he was rewarded with Jamba Juice, which made him incredibly happy. "Mama. Jamba Juice. I like it." said with a huge smile on his face. Needed supplies for my "projects" and Santa's getting (bought today) me some diamond earings. I splurged and bought myself a pair a few years ago and lost one of them when Max was about 6 months old. I've mourned the loss ever since. They're not top of the line, but I'm pleased with the size (1 carat total weight, 1/2 carat each), the price (big sale), and their certified. No, I don't think I'll be able to wait until Christmas to wear them now that they are in the house, but shhh, don't tell. I will put them out under the tree. Max got me new slippers. I like slippers. And, amazingly, they will match the Christmas PJ's I got.

The funniest thing that happened today was that Max had complete meltdowns, which are incredibly rare for him, TWICE today because he couldn't go for a ride in a jeep. I kid you not. We were out walking Shadow this morning and a jeep was parked at the curb on our route. I happened to point it out as I often do to things to keep Max headed in a forward direction. Things like, "Hey, Max, come look at this spider/spider web. It's huge." Or, "Max, here's a boat", a motorcycle or whatever I think will interest him enough to get him moving in the direction I want. Who knew that today, I would innocently point out a jeep and it would cause such upset in the life of a small sick boy (typed with humor)? What's a mom to do?

Me: I'm sorry Max. That's not our jeep. We don't have the keys. We can't get in it or drive it"

Max: (having full on melt down) Want drive the jeep. Wantta drive the jeep.

Me: Shall we go home and call Aunt K (since I didn't have the cell phone with me) and see if she will come and bring her jeep and give you a ride in it.

Max: Y-Y-Y-Yessss.

(about 30 minutes later at home)

Max: (out of the blue melts down all over again) Jeep. Jeep, Momma. Want to drive the jeep.

Me: Let's call Aunt K. Shall we.

Max: (tearful) Yes!

Thank goodness I actually know someone with a Jeep cause I'm not sure what I would have offered up otherwise and clearly he was not being deterred from this Jeep thing. And, I'm sure I haven't heard the last of it cause the kid has a memory that doesn't quit. I'm sure my sister was wondering what the heck as she was working and we just left a message with Max finishing up crying in the background agreeing with my message he wanted to ride in a Jeep.

Ah, got to keep a sense of humor about this whole parenting gig most of the time.

Other than my home improvement projects and taking care of sick Max. I've been reading this really interesting book. But, I'll have to save that for another time. I need to go admire my re-stain job one last time before attempting to relax enough to sleep tonight.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Subconcious says otherwise

I've really been feeling pretty calm and peaceful about this upcoming cycle. Surprisingly so considering the expense and the fact that this is a firm end of the line for me in my ttc efforts. I've been focusing on other things, busy, getting things done.

Sure, as I've been decorating for Christmas, I've had hopeful thoughts like I hope I'm pregnant when it's time to take this down and I'm faced with the problem of finding someone to help and wondering if there is a way of doing so without telling anyone I'm pregnant and hoping I have to deal with that problem. Or, hoping by next Christmas, I have a 4 month old to celebrate and trying to figure out how to get all the decorating done being as tired as you are in the beginning and with an older child. Or, wondering, if we can still track down the lady who made Max's (and my mom's) Christmas stocking to match the one my grandmother (mom's mom) knitted for me when I was a a baby since she was in Atlanta and a friend of friend of my sister who moved to NJ two years ago. So, I am thinking about it. It is always there, in the back of my mind.

Still, I was a bit surprised this morning when I woke up dreaming that I had just received a call from the clinic telling me I was canceled because my e2 was 107 (which means I wasn't properly suppressed; it should be under 60). My first thought was about how much that would suck. I'm prepared to loose. I won't be happy, but I'll know that I had to take this path and it is the end of the road that I had to take. I'm not mentally prepared to get canceled for me. I've also (consciously) thought about the fact that I could get canceled because of the donor for some reason, but that's pretty unlikely. She's proven and solid. My second thought, remember I'm still groggy from sleep here (and went to bed late and was woken several times by Max who is sick), was "is that possible? could I get canceled for my e2 being too high?" It is possible to get canceled or delayed, but.....I was consciously so paranoid about not being properly suppressed that I added e2 (along with p4) to my prolacton blood draw a month or so ago a few weeks after I went on BCP's. HA HA HA. Yes, I am laughing at myself here. I guess my conscious mind forgot to tell my subconscious mind that I already worked out this scenario long ago. And, I'm laughing that I know myself well enough that I knew I'd be worried about this so had the lab done ages ago knowing that I already was properly suppressed and since I've staid on active BCP's. I'm good.

Ah, so glad I thought ahead like that and instead of being worried and stressed that the dream had meaning, I can laugh and go back to my relative zen like state about this cycle because I have quantitative data that shows I am properly suppressed.

In other news, I'm glad Max is sleeping in a bit. I hope he turns the corner and is feeling a bit better today. I'm also glad I took him to the ped yesterday morning, because the medicine* really helped. He still woke up coughing a few times, but not that awful bark like cough and difficulty breathing thing. "I want my mommy" was a familiar phrase yesterday and last night. He was so lethargic and sickly yesterday that even the neighbors were commenting on it. He wanted to "walk the doggies". But wanted to "bring the big stroller", wanted to get in said stroller, and stayed in it even though not buckled in, for the entire walk. Once I gave him the meds (that after trips to two different pharmacies and a call to the peds office, was determined I was not going to be able to get the liquid as prescribed and I was supposed to grind up and put in applesauce followed by chocolate syrup) mixed in with ice cream (which I KNEW he would eat as opposed to applesauce which I knew he would not eat) he came back to life again.

And, in spite of it all (the morning at the peds, the pharmacy trips, the taking care of a sick child), I got the tree decorated and (lightly) tinseled, and the house completely picked up, the floor vacuumed, and the tree skirt under the tree. The house looks pretty good if I do say so myself. I'm so happy I did it early and we have a long time to enjoy it. And, I'm happy that everything is back together and looking nice (for the moment, remember Max is still sleeping. :) Noemi is coming over with her sons who are visiting from Guatemala so they can meet me and Max and see where she works. I think that is so cute. And, I really wanted things looking nice for the visit so that she can be proud. I knew that if I started the Christmas mess, I'd want to be completely finished before the visit so the pressure to finish was on once I started. I'm glad I did it before the visit instead of after (which was my other option) and that it is done, done, done.

* On the meds, I was surprised when I got home, got back from our walk, and sat down to read up on the med before giving it to Max to see that it was actually Dexamethasone since the ped and the pharmacist were calling it a different name. I had to laugh. What are the odds that in a two person family, both people will be on dex at the same time (although for completely different reasons). Ah, I love me a good irony. I do.

Monday, November 12, 2007


I'm pretty sure Max has croup for the first time. Scary stuff this croup. I was getting ready to fold one last load of laundry (the dryer had gone off and the house was relatively quiet) when I heard him coughing and having difficulty breathing. Forget the adage of never waking a sleeping child. In truth, I'm not sure he was asleep, but he sure wasn't calling out for me. I couldn't remember what to do so I took him into the bathroom and steamed it up, then out into the cold night air, then back in the the steamy bathroom. I also forced some Benadryl (cause I thought he was choking on flem) and Tylenol down his throat and took his tempature (101 ish). Rocked him a bit, gave him a really big pillow to prop himself up with to sleep, some water, a blanket in case he got cold since I took off his sleep blanket.

Came back to the computer to find that everything I did was a good choice and that my memory served me well, except for giving the Benadryl. The new humidifier I just bought a few months ago broke and I haven't replaced it. I will likely be doing that tomorrow morning cause it sounds like this can last a few days.

Scary stuff this croup. Normally, I have his monitor all the way across the room in my bathroom and his is across the room in his room so I only hear the major stuff, but I think I'm going to move it close tonight. The instruction that said if the breathing gets really bad to head to the ER with the windows down freaked me out a bit cause it implies SERIOUS/don't fool around. I actually don't think it will come to that, but I'm glad that I immediately got him up and did the bathroom steam and outside route.

Did I mention this whole difficulty breathing/croup thing is scary stuff?

cd 3. vd1

It may be cycle day 3, but what I'm most excited about is that today is vacation day 1. Then, why am I up at 5:15 am when said kid is still fast asleep? Habit I guess.

I'm so happy to be on vacation. I can't even tell you. We had a busy weekend, but still managed to get out the Christmas decorations. The tree is still in the garage and the ornaments mostly still boxed, but everything else is just out everywhere with no organization. I know, I know. It is terribly early, but I wanted to get it up while I'm on vacation; before the cycle; and so that Max can enjoy them longer. He had so much fun touching what he could; what I would let him. I decided not to put out my nativity scene because I really, really, really am fond of it and Max would want to touch it and it's glass and things would get broken. But, I got this one for children and got it put together last night. And, one of the animals, the donkey, is already lost somewhere amid the mess.

Since today is veterans day observed, Max's music class was canceled. We have no place to go or no one we have to see this morning. I'm looking forward to a rare morning home with Max.

Cycle wise, things are going well. Haven't forgotten anything. Still sleeping decent with the dex. Still feeling calm and peaceful about the whole thing.

It's funny. I've been going to church on a regular basis. Really regular, like weekly, instead of the regular, once or twice a month or so since Max is in Sunday school (which he loves, loves, loves and never wants to leave). It's actually very nice to attend mass without Max. It's calm. I'm able to pay attention. And, my friend is there since she put her kids in the Sunday school as well. Anyway, none of that is really the point. I have consciously not been taking communion. I haven't looked to closely at the churches teachings recently, but if IVF and fertility treatment is frowned upon and "sinful" than the whole DE/IVF has got to be even more sinful in the eyes of the church. I just didn't feel comfortable taking communion knowing that I planned to be sinful, in the eyes of the church, with no remorse, sorrow. Yesterday, during mass, I just had such a feeling of rightness and peace with the path I have chosen (and maybe I'm rationalizing here, but I really don't think so) that I figured that there is no way that this can be wrong. Not for me and my family. That if children were so important that if a husband died that his brother was to take on the wife for his own, as was the standard, apparently when the bible was written, that there is no way this could be sinful (and I don't really care what the church teachings are on the matter), but just more modern. I can really articulate it, but it was just this deep knowing I'm on the right path for me and my family. And, really, I think even if the outcome is not what I hoped and my family doesn't grow. It was the path and journey..."the calling"...I was suppose to take. The feeling was just so strong, so right, so peaceful. So, I surprised my friend when I did decide to take communion today.

The other thing I have thought is that if it is a sin, who is it a sin against. I can't see anyone getting hurt by this. So, the only sin would be against the church teachings which were put in place, by man, not by God. I can live with that. It may not be a choice others would make or even understand. They have the right to choose what's best for them and their family and I have the right to choose what is right for me and mine. And, I just KNOW to the core of my being that this path is the right one for me and mine.

Win or lose. I just know this was the path I was meant to take. I haven't felt such peace in quite awhile. I have to say. I like it.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

It's official

My cycle has officially started. .75 pill of dex consumed. 10 units of lupron injected.

In a way, it is seems kind of surreal. I've done such a good job of compartmentalizing the last few months and just getting done what needs to get done, that I can't believe the day is finally here. There are a few benefits of having gone down this path so many times before. For example, instead of being freaked out you have to give yourself a shot, you look at it and think, that's it? It's such a small needle and a small amount of meds, let me go double check everything. I look at the calendar and think of how easy it is for both the donor and myself. When your only doing half the prep work, it is really a lot less. It almost seems too easy breezy, which is why I have copies of the calendar spread throughout the house to remind me that I'm cycling and so I can make sure I'm not forgetting things/doing the proper amounts on the proper days.

Another way the whole process is a bit easier, is because I do have a child already. I don't want to say or imply in any way that secondary infertility is not difficult or emotional or anything like that, because I think from the emotional aspects, not being able to conceive another child when you want to it is the same regardless. When you get that negative, it stings just as much, if not more. I can't say what it feels like to get a positive as I haven't been there, unless you count that m/c which was years ago now, but I sure hope to know what that feels like soon. However, I think the part that is a bit easier is that having a child can be all consuming so I find all the waiting a bit easier as there is so much to do, to occupy my time, to lift my spirits, to keep me distracted.

As the cycle "officially" starts, of course, of course, I'm hoping and praying and wishing it works. Going DE takes things to a whole new level financially and emotionally, if not physically. But, I'm also realistic to know that it isn't a shoe in. The odds aren't 100% and I'm decreasing my odds significantly by only planning to transfer one. It will be hard to stick with that decision under the gun, but I know it is the right decision for me in the long run. It may mean this cycle doesn't work. I realize that and I'll be upset, for sure. But, I'll be okay as long as there is something to freeze. It may sound trite, but the reality is the cycle will either work or not. I'll either have something to freeze or not. Either way, this is the end of the road for me. Not this fresh, per se, but this retrieval and anything that results from it. There is some peace in that. Actually, a lot of peace for me in that.

Win, loose, or draw. The outcome will be what it will be. And, right now, this minute, I'm content with that. I'm at peace. I feel like I'm doing what I need to be doing for me and my family to either build my family or bring closure to the entire issue. This peace, the feeling of rightness, it has been a long, long time coming.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Ready, Set, Go

I'm only a few hours into vacation and am loving it already. It just feels like such relief. I ordered in (a gyro for tonight and lemon chicken for tomorrow night...yes, thinking ahead) from a local Greek place I like that delivers. Spent time playing with Max and looking at pictures and got him to bed late. Went to check on him after a nice warm relaxing bath and he was still awake with a bowel movement. So, I got him changed, cuddled and sang him a song or two, and here I am.

As I told a friend earlier today, being on vacation is very different post Max than pre Max. No cruise or tropical vacation. Heck, just the thought of travel puts my stomach in a knot and feels like torture rather than fun. But, I'm looking forward to it just the same. It's like I get to put down one of the balls I juggle as a part of life and get to focus on one less thing and the thing that brings me the least amount of joy these days (although it does pay the bills so not complaining too much) and allows me to spend more time with the thing that brings me the most amount of joy these spite of his independence, opinionated, you can't make me self.

Tonight, while Max was eating dinner, I got out my Styrofoam stretch cylinder and was stretching out my back, which has been tight and bothering me, and got me a scolding from my chiropractor last week with a promise to be better. I was just on the ground and settled when I hear this, Ready, Set, Go from Max. Good thing I looked up at Ready so I WAS ready to catch him as he hurled himself at me at top speed. So, we played ruff and tumble for awhile on the floor until he was ready to move on and then I got to stretch a bit. While Max was pretending he was a pro wrestler (without ever having seen or heard of pro wrestling), I was thinking that I should spend a lot of time over the next few weeks in ruff and tumble physical play with Max cause with any luck a month or so from now, it will be off limits with another baby growing in my tummy.

I'm not even on meds and I've started have weird dreams.

Good thing I took my calendar with me to my acupuncturist appointment with me today because I didn't realize I was also supposed to start dex tomorrow. Probably, I would have looked at the calendar and realized it. Probably. Now, I have a copy right in the bathroom with a pen near so I can mark things off as I go.

Ready, set, go - Vacation, here I am.

Ready, set, go - May tomorrow be the start of a successful cycle, giving me another biological child, if not another genetic one.

Ready, set, go - to bed since I have been up since about 1:30 last night for no good reason other than I woke up wired and couldn't fall back asleep.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Needless worry is exausting

The assessment went fine. She didn't walk in the door and exclaim I was an unfit mother; Max had severe problems; and how come I couldn't see all that. She was nice. I think she did start getting frustrated because Max was fairly uncooperative. I don't think I ever heard him say no so many times in a short period of time. As she said, you can't really get a 2 year old to kick a ball if he doesn't want to, and he didn't. He flat refused. He also refused to move anything with the little stick. Eventually, I think she got him to do everything else she needed, but it was tough and she had to work for it every single step of the way. He never was one to perform on command as he clearly reiterated today. She asked me if we were singing a song and I stopped if he would continue on with the next verse, which he can and will do, as well as sing almost entire songs himself. Today? Nope.

She is going to recommend services for his fine motor skills. She said rather than recommend one or two visits a week, she was going to recommend for an OT (?) assessment to determine that. She said that it wasn't that he couldn't do anything that he should. He could do everything. He was just a bit weak and shaky with it. She said that he compensated well, extremely well. But that it would be better for his writing once he hit school to be a bit stronger in his fine motor skills. Since talking to his pediatrician and doing a bit of research, this really didn't/doesn't surprise me. A small, itsy bitsy part of me was hoping that he would be rated as perfect in all areas, but ...come many of us are truly well balanced and well rounded in every area.

She said his left ankle/foot was also a bit stiff and she was going to recommend a few visits with a physical therapist to show me some stretching exercises for it.

The most praise, the most positive comment I got from her was that Max was really strong as he was demonstrating his ability to climb into his crib for her (not kicking the ball like she wanted him to do).

She wasn't negative by any means. She was just strictly business going down her checklist trying to get Max to do what she wanted instead of what he wanted, which was a bit painful for all of us. And, Shadow was being really nervous and pacing and agitated, which is so unlike her. It wasn't until later that it occurred to me that she was probably picking that up from me and that I'm not usually nervous so she was probably feeding off of me.

I'm glad its done. The next step is that she will do the report and send it in, then my coordinator will call to set up a review meeting to come by to discuss it all and set up services.

Nervous and distracted

Less than hour until Max's full development assessment. I've been nervous and distracted all day. No matter that I keep telling myself that I have nothing to be worried about and that being nervous is irrational. Irrational or not, I'm tense and having to hold myself back from eating the rest of the Halloween candy. Thank goodness Max had a decent night sleep last night and went down well and on time for his nap today.

At least work has been keeping my busy and distracted for the most part today. Not 100% engaged, but at least enough to keep me mostly sane. But, now that all those east coaster are gone, things have slowed down a bit and here I am nervous as heck.

Deep breath, deep breath. I'm sure it will be fine.

Which is why I can't believe I'm so nervous about it. I don't usually let stuff like this get to me, but here I am. I really do think it will be fine, but then, why am I so nervous. Even if there are issues or concerns found, they are not judgments of goodness or badness.

I think it is because when I was calling to set up the appointment, the person at the agency made some comment about Rita, the assessor, having done this for so long that she just has to look at a kid to know if there are issues and reading on the web that I should have been asked to fill out a questionnaire on my observations around Max's development, which I haven't.

I keep telling myself that the assessor is a professional and will not come to snap judgments, no matter what the receptionist says, and that objective criteria will be used for the evaluation.

Down to 45 minutes and counting. Too bad I don't have a foster dog at the moment to go take a quick brisk walk around the block once or twice. Yes, yes, I could do it anyway without the dog, but it just doesn't feel right or natural to do it that way without a dog or kid or something in tow.

I guess I'll go read through the big package of release forms from the clinic for my cycle. That should be enough to numb the senses a bit.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007


Today is Wednesday, which means my mom was here for her weekly visit and dinner. I grilled a nice flank steak that has been marinating since the weekend, pesto pasta, grilled onions and mushrooms, and a green salad. I was cleaning the kitchen while my mom was watching Max in the shower/tub. And, I was thinking how nice it was that Max was getting bigger and I could trust her a bit more with him. When I popped my head in to check in things, Max was jumping up and down in the tub. Sigh. I wonder how she can't see/realize that is dangerous and can result in serious injury. Of course, I tell Max to knock it off and that he knows better than to jump in the tub because it is dangerous. He tells me "Momma, dancing. I'm dancing, not jumping". I only laughed on the inside (I'm pretty sure) and told him he had better sit down now or I was taking him out of the tub. As he knows that's not an idol threat since we've been down this road before, he got his butt down pretty quick.

As good as said son was sleeping last month, he has been sleeping the opposite of that this week since the time change. He's waking up a few times a night. Not napping well. Waking up early.
He woke at 4:30 this morning and resettled until about 5:30 after I called out that it was still night time and to go back to sleep, but the damage was done and I was awake. Today for his nap, he jumped around his crib, tore up book, undressed himself, sang songs, and generally played for two hours before finally falling asleep, then woke up after 90 minutes hard and fussy.

Needless to say since he's short on sleep, he's not listening well, hyper, and somewhat ill mannered. He got put in the crib early tonight after giving Shadow a full body slam after repeatedly being told he could not hit her, kick her, could not climb all over her and needed to be gentle when hug her. He was slightly less "physical" with me, but oh my, was he being a little stinker. Let's hope we both have a better night sleep tonight.

In cycle news, I got my donors calendar and reviewed/approved it. I got my meds and had my nurse coordinator laughing when I called to confirm that the Lupron was sub-Q and reminded her that I dislike sub-Q (even though it is a smaller needle) because I'm afraid the meds will just get lost in the fat and not get absorbed and distributed. I reviewed the changes to the contract and my lawyer and I agreed that a minor wording change around the extra donor medical insurance purchased by the agency since I hadn't and wont see or have reviewed a copy of the policy. He has a faxed copy of my signature and the full initialed and signed original went out with todays mail. Lupron starts Saturday morning.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007


I'm tired. This time change has been harder on me than on Max. It's 7:30 and I'm ready for sleep. I'm already in bed (on the laptop). Max is chattering away in his room, reading a book I think. He's been into snowmen all year, but especially these last few months. I was in Target yesterday and they had one of the yard light ones on sale. I put it together last night after Max was in bed. He's loved it as much as I thought he would. It's in his room as a giant night light at the moment.

I got the DE contract back yesterday and read it this afternoon and it looks good. I have a review meeting with the lawyer tomorrow.

I got my protocol on Friday and talked with my coordinator today to schedule appointments and go through what meds I need. The pharmacy called and the meds will be delivered tomorrow. I also ran by her the fact that I'm planning on driving myself to and from tranfer, which she was fine with as long as I was on bed rest for 2 - 3 days. Where I said that I planned to take it easy and see if Noemi could work late until Max was in bed, but still work as I work from home and could do so from bed. I was expecting a little bit more push back, especially about the driving thing, but am glad that she was basically fine with it/my approach. There were also restrictions about refraining from strenuous exercise (not a problem sadly); alcohol and caffeine (already out of my diet anyway) so we are looking good to go.

I should have the donors calendar tomorrow. She already has her meds, at least enough to get her started.

I start lupron on Saturday.

Thursday, we have the full development assessment for Max. I find myself on and off getting a bit worried about it and then remind myself about how wonderful and amazing he is no matter what they say or don't say. I wasn't worried or nervous at all about the speech assessment. I am just a tad about this one, probably because I'm not as certain about his development as I am with his language.

Friday evening, I'm offically on vacation for two weeks. Boy, I can't wait. Work has been busy, in a good way, actually, but I'm ready for a break.

Saturday we are missing a local single mom's get together at a good friends house to go on a field trip with Max's school for a guided nature walk. I thought about driving so we could get back in time for nap, but know how much he would love to ride the school bus so we're going that route.

Sunday we have a birthday party in the afternoon and the normal church/Sunday school in the morning.

Monday, Max's music class was cancelled. Not sure what we will do. Maybe go to the zoo if the weather is cool enough as we haven't been in awhile/since last winter since the summers are just too hot to go.

Tuesday and Thursday I'll probably take him to school like normal. Wednesday, Noemi who is also on vacation is going to come with her sons who are visiting from Guatemala this year and her younger one is staying as a permanent resident. I know this makes her so happy. In the way of things, her car broke down. Started smoking and caught on fire yesterday when she was brining Max home from swim class last night. So, now she's down money she didn't expect to get the car fixed. I offered and she accepted paying her early this week.

Since her car was in the shop today, she took Max on the metro bus to the metro train to china town for lunch. He was very impressed and had a wonderful time. I offered and Noemi accepted a ride home, which was kind of a pain and almost an hour round trip, but I'm fine with or wouldn't have offered. As another example of how amazing my son is, when we were driving, he pointed out to us exactly where we would turn/would have turned to go to swimming class. He's only two. I think it is incredible that he is so aware of his surroundings that he knows and remembers this stuff. Many adults I know wouldn't remember directions like that.

Max has also been telling me all the things he likes....cookies and candy are on the top of the list along with snowmen. He was calling the snowman in his room today "snow". Hi snow! I like you!. :) On the way home from dropping off Noemi, we passed a football/baseball stadium. He pointed it out. Then told me he was a baseball player for Halloween to get candy and that he likes candy. :) Oh, he sure makes me laugh. He kept telling me to go "that way. That way, momma" where that way was any way but home. He kept working on his argument/strategy to find one that would work. It was funny. I've said it before, but he is going to give me a run for my money as he grows.

Anyway, there's a lot going on and will continue to be I think for the rest of this year. And, I'm tired so I'm going to go take my BCP (0nly a week or so left...maybe it was 9 or 10 days...have to go look at the calendar) before my last one. I'll have been on them for 2 full months (6 weeks of active pills) minus one day. I actually don't mind as I like being on them unlike most women. I'm hoping this cycle works and I can be pregnant instead. Much better and nicer actually.

Monday, November 05, 2007

The pea and other middle of the night ramblings

I remember an old fairly tail about a princess who could feel a pea under 100 mattresses or something. I don't remember the details or the moral, but I often think of it. Max has been wanting to play and "sleep" on mommy's bed, which is fine, but he tracks his food and dirt and such with him. I keep feeling all these "peas" in my sheets. No, not literal peas, just grains of sand that rub, sticky grape juice, etc. I straighten, I hand brush, I look and it looks fine and I climb in and find that small sand grain and lob it off the the floor. Oh, what I put up with, as a result of this son of mine. Last night we read stories on my bed for a good 15 minutes. I think that is a record for him. He is liking and "read" books on his own more, requesting specific books, starting to show some favorites. Big surprise, his current favorite is The Little Engine That Could. I think I read it 5 times last night. Often, he will still be playing around with his trains or some toy as I read with only occasionally coming to look at the pages, but I can tell he really is paying attention. The last few nights, he really hasn't wanted singing..."no sing mamma, read book", as requested, we've read books instead. It is great and makes me happy.

Why am I up in the middle of the night? My alarm, which wasn't turned on, went off at 2:20 am. I reset the alarm time to 10:20 am just in case it decides to have a mind of its own again to avoid such situation again. As I almost never ever use an alarm to wake unless I have to travel out of town on an early flight which hasn't happened (Hallelujah) in years. The only thing I can think is resetting the clock for the time change caused it to get confused or something. Don't know, but here I am in the middle of the night wide awake.

I was having this weird and disturbing dream when abruptly woken. I was a live out nanny for a family of young twins whose father was deployed on tour with the military. I was only going to be working for this family for another 6 months and was helping the mom/wife interview live in nanny's. She found someone early and her live in an pick up extra hours and after this happened I found out she was a suspected child sex offender. I got concrete evidence that I presented to the mom and was fired. Very odd really, but interesting since I was awake to analyze it. In the church bulletin, they were talking about the training program that anyone working with children in the church needed to go through with the upcoming dates/times it was offered. After church, we went over to my friend's house. Her husband was flying out of town last night for business. She used to be a nanny and we talked about how she was going north for Thanksgiving weekend to visit and spend the holiday. My garbled mind must have been piecing all of the isolated pieces of information of the day making it into a weird story or something. Still it was quite detailed and disturbing.

I've been doing a bit of research here and there on fine motor skills and such. According to Birth to Age 5 book (not it's official title, but the lights off and it is out of arms reach and I don't feel like getting out of bed or turning on the light) Max has hit all targets for his age. According to a checklist on I saw elsewhere Max has only achieved 1 or 2 of 4 or 5. And, I've spent the last 15 minutes trying to find it again, but can't. Drat. It had things like 1) can put on shoes and socks 2) can take off shoes, socks, and shorts 3) Copy/draw a vertical line and 3 or 4 other things that Max couldn't do. He can take off shoes, socks, and PJ bottoms, his sleep blanket, his diaper. He can put on momma's shoes and boots, but not tennis shoes or other. It's funny cause in my search of this list, I came across 5 others of which Max could do almost all of the times.

Of the 80 or so items that could be a sign he has SPD, only a few really apply. He doesn't like to have his hair brushed. He doesn't like to have his teeth brushed, although he is 500 times better after going to the dentist a few months ago, he still prefers to "do it myself, momma". He has trouble sleeping if he isn't at home, in a familiar comfortable environment. He used to need white noise to sleep as a baby (but, out grew that years ago). He appears uncoordinated and stumbles quite a bit.

Anyway, you've now been privy to what's been on my mind in the middle of this night where I've been wide awake for too long. I'm going to at least rest quietly and try to fall back asleep before the day officially starts.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Nothing and Nowhere

me to take him someplace, which is rare for him. It was actually a nice day and I think both needed the down time. I got a bit of gardening done; a nice dinner made for last night, a dinner prepared that just needs to be cooked for tonight, and a steak marinating for later in the week. But, mostly we just hung out and "watched Max" on the TV. We probably saw his first Birthday party 30 times. We played on Yesterday was one of the rare days since Max was born that we basically did nothing and went no where. I saw the pool guy when I took Shadow out to potty. And, my mom stopped by unexpectedly around dinner time (conveniently) on the way back from my sisters. Max didn't even leave the parameter of the house. He didn't even ask, beg, pull, or otherwise try to inscent me to take him someplace, which is rare. We played on Momma's bed and the computer. We played with blocks. We got out the slip in slide and I got the fountain cleaned from the windstorms and filled with water and working again. He played with trains while I was in the kitchen. I stayed off the computer all day, which was nice, except to supervise and help Max go to and "refresh" the Wiggles and play with the "Star" (Baby Shapes) game we have loaded. Luckily, I had bought a magazine on impulse at the grocery the day before, which I almost never do, to keep me a bit entertained after the 10 viewing of "Max Birthday". We won't get another such day again for awhile, and that's fine, but it sure was nice.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Decision Time

I have two weeks of vacation coming up so that Noemi, Max's nanny can have her vacation. The week before Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving week. The original plan was for me to go to Arizona for the holiday, but that got messed up awhile ago with my cousins husband loosing his job and then found out that my sister was going out of town which would leave my mom alone for the holiday. Also, I have my first u/s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving for the cycle.

Then, I was going to go the week before for at least a few days, but they weren't sure they were going to be in AZ and the tickets never got bought and things got scheduled here. And, she wanted to try to schedule the trip when her husband was there for some reason, but that wasn't working out. And, her daughter would be in school during the "prime" hours for Max. And, I find it very hard to travel with Max mostly because of the lack of sleep involved for me and how much harder it is to parent a tired child out of their routine. He's not awful, but it is harder. And, I have to arrange for care for the dog and cat while gone.

Plus, I'll be on Lupron and having to travel with the calendar and the drugs on top of everything else.

When you add it all together it just doesn't feel much like a vacation even though Max would probably love it. I know plenty of people have and do travel with small children just fine. I say good for them. I'm just not one of those people. I'm perfectly happy to vacation at home. To stay at home, in routine most of the time.

When airfare was too high, I thought about driving, briefly, but kept getting more stressed just thinking about it. Then, we talked about my cousin coming here, but they decided they didn't want to travel since her husband would only be in town for a short period of time.

The long and the short of it is, I'm not going anywhere for the vacation and I'm exceedingly happy about that (if feeling slight, but not too much guilt). I'll just get to pretend that I'm a stay at home mom and take Max to all of his activities that I never get to do while keeping him in his routine the first week. Then, getting to visit with family and break up routine the second week. I'm really looking forward to it.

A week from Monday. I can't wait. I felt such relief to not have an out of town obligation. To not have to travel.

I also decided to not try to go to acupuncture while off and that I may just try to take Max with me to my u/s appointment rather than trying to get care for him. That will work great if I can get an early appointment. I'll know on Monday.

Can't make me

Max, instead of napping today, took off his blanket, all of his clothes, including his diaper and peed all over everything or so I was told by a reliable source, his nanny. Needless to say, he went to bed early tonight and was out like a light. He did that a few weekends ago, except it wasn't just pee that got everywhere. I was hoping it was a one time wonder, but figured it likely wasn't.

Got my protocol this afternoon. Looks reasonable. I have a few questions and need to figure out what meds I have and what meds I need. I'll call on Monday (as requested) to set up my appointments.

I got chastised by my chiroprator and I vowed to be better about stretching and doing the things I should to keep my back from rouding and tighing up so badly that it can't even be adjusted. And, vowed to get back in this month. (Note to self, remember to set up appointment) Then, worked a bit, had an accupuncture appointment, got groceries, came home to my tired boy and tried to work some more.

Tired children wouldn't be so bad...okay, I shouldn't generalize...Max wouldn't be so bad when he's tired, except he forgets he ever knew how to listen and starts bouncing off the walls.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. We have very few social plans. I think we need the down time. I know I do and therefor, so must Max.

Oh, and Max told Noemi that he didn't nap because Mini was scary. She didn't get it and thought it might be from the "witch" in the Little Einstien Hansel and Gretel. I tried to explain it to her, but don't think she got it from either of us. He woke up this morning talking about it and the trains and kept taking my hand and walking me to the door saying he wanted to go ride the cho cho trains.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Momma's Bed

I know I've said it many times before, but this son of mine amuses me so.

He woke up early this morning having pee'd through everything as expected after all he drank last night. When went in to tell him it was still night night time and offer milk, he said "no, sleep in Momma's bed". I had to laugh and freed him. Stripped him down and brought him to my bed knowing full well that was the end of sleep for us both since my bed is a place for him to watch sports, play on the computer, and jumpy, jumpy, jumpy to the refrain of "Max, be careful. You could fall and get really hurt from mommy's bed since it is so tall." As I try to distract him into a more safe activity.

The day ended as it began, with him begging to sleep in Mommy's he ran stark naked across the house...laughing. So, I got him dressed and he drank his milk on my bed stalling bedtime as he reminded me we hadn't gone out and looked at the stars and for the moon tonight singing twinkle twinkle. Yet, he didn't know that I started bedtime routine early expecting such since he only played in his crib during nap time instead of actually sleeping and I was prepared for such tactics after an early day.

Often, I have to wonder how his mind works and why all of a sudden after months of being no where near my bed he brings it up? What reminded him of this or made him think about it? Has he missed our morning cuddle and play time as much as I have with his sleeping late routine? He does this for various things often. Things I'm surprised he even remembers it has been so long.

We will see what tomorrow brings and what other funny things he comes up.

And, I started to get stressed about my pending cycle today. I have no calendar or protocol. As far as I know my donor has no calendar or protocol although she has meds (which irritates me every time I think about it), still have no signed contract, haven't heard boo from the clinic, the agency, or the lawyer. I thought about getting on the horn to chase things down, but decided to wait until Monday since tomorrow under the guise of working I'm going to the chiropractor in the morning and the acupuncturist in the afternoon with fitting in work around that and hoping no big fires break out on the work front while I'm out and backing up someone else who is out.

ETA: Getting back to Halloween. Isn't it just the way of things that Max's nanny and I searched high and low for his dodger cap yesterday before he went out trick or treating. No where to be found. I went to start laundry this morning and it was sitting right there on the dryer. Sigh.