Sunday, January 25, 2009

Healing so slowly

After this, I could barely talk about it. I guess after everything of this summer and the trama, loosing all that milk was a last straw and I just had to shut it away and not think about it or deal with it. I was going to throw out all the spoiled milk myself to get closure and in the end I couldn't do it and ask Noemi to go and toss it. I guess in a way, I was in mourning. I guess I'm healing every so slowly as I cleaned out the mold and turned back on the freezer today.

I still can't spend much time looking at any of the early pictures of the twins. I want to put together a book for each of them showing the changes week by week that I took, but not ready yet. I went looking for a picture of my cousin from this summer and even looking at the pictures brings me back and makes it all too real again. I get a physical anxiety attack type reaction.

Things are fine here. I've just been tired and behind on everything and needing to cave in a bit. I've been equally as bad at returning emails and phone calls. Work is busy and takes all of my talking and connecting with people energy right now that at the end of the night when I have the time, I'm just too tapped out. I have nothing left for others right now.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Sad State

Really, it is a sad state of affairs when you have free baby sitting and decide to stay in anyway. My mom is staying over tonight and offered to watch the kids tonight (after they were in bed asleep) so I could go out with a group of friends, but alas...I elected to stay in. I'm so tired and worn out. If they were a tad closer; if I didn't have limited help tomorrow; if I didn't have an extremely busy week next week...then maybe. But, it would be about an hour drive each way, Sundays can be long enough and it can be hard to be the type of mom I want to be without added extra tired into the equation; and my week is extremely busy next week. So, stay in, I am. Plus, I'm not feeling so hot. Just the sniffles and trying to fight off another cold around here like all the children. Probably made worse by the wind storms and everything it kicks up. I'll be happy when we have this first winter behind us with the twins a bit older with better immune systems and Max has a year of Preschool germs behind him.

Not to say I didn't take advantage of my mom being here to get a few errands run and then to take Max to a birthday party (which is the whole reason she stayed). We weren't gone too long, but glad we got home when we did because the twins didn't really nap and fussed off and on the entire time and all three looked happy and relieved when we walked in.

Anyway, as much as I like the idea of going out, seeing friends, and having wonderful conversation...the thought of a good night sleep is even more appealling and really unlikely so I will take what I can get and hope for an adequate night sleep and a nice family day tomorrow with reinforcements in the afternoon so I can get a break and get a few more much needed errands done.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

That's why

Another Max funny....he told me he couldn't go to school today because he was sick. I asked him what was wrong with him and he told me he didn't have a throat anymore. It was in his bottom and the food was falling straight to his foot. Oh my, he does make me laugh. Where does he get this stuff?

Spoiled Milk

One of the last things I do before going to bed (unless I get sidetracked on the computer and stay up later than planned) is to pump. One of the first things I do when I wake up is pump. I usually pump one of three places. My bed. The couch. Or, in my office at my work desk. I tend to not move the pump unless I have to. So, if I do the last pump of the night in my bed, I'll do the first pump in my bed. Or, if I do the last pump on the couch, I'll do the first one on the couch.

Anyway, the other morning, I sit down to pump and see my pumping supplies from the night before (I have several sets so I don't have to wash after each use) including the milk I had pumped. Apparently, I had forgotten one important step...putting the milk in the fridge. Pissed me off.

I'm almost over loosing the entire freezer of breast milk. Almost. I had been working myself up for closure by going and tossing it. In the end, I just couldn't and asked Noemi to go purge it for me. That was just a few weeks ago. I still can't bring myself to use that freezer for something else.

On bad days, I get worked up how much and how fast we go through formula compared to breast milk. I've stopped calculating and just remind myself that it is what it is and that I am giving them as much as I can and that is that and it is better than none. Sometimes, I have regrets that N never took to the breast and that as a result R doesn't get the opportunity as much as either would like. And, I tell myself that if things were different like I just had the twins, it is an issue I could have worked harder one, but with the twins and with an older child, you have to do what is best for the entire family.

So, I tend to only BF R right before he goes to bed as a topper offer if the schedule allows and then if he wakes up in the middle of the night or early, which he often does.

It makes me sad sometimes that something I loved so much with Max is just not apart of the equation with the twins. When I do BF R, I'm watching the clock and counting the minutes most of the time (since it is in the middle of the night and I'm usually hoping for more sleep) and I remind myself that I could just give him a bottle and be done with it, but I give him that special time when I can.

Mostly, I'm okay with how things are. The babies are growing nicely. Things are perfect or how I would have wanted or planned, but it works and it is best for the entire family.

Now, if I can just manage not to spoil any more milk, I'll be happy.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Oh, those things they say

Conversations with Max are (mostly)* quite fun right now.

The scene: Tonight as we were cuddling in bed talking about tomorrow.

Max: I can't go to school tomorrow because I'm sick.
Me: Sick, what kind of sickness.
Max: My throat is in my bottom and the food is falling into my feet.
Me: I can see how that would be a problem, but you are still going to school tomorrow.

There was a funny one last night/early this morning when he climbed in bed with me. It is a bit of a blur right now, but was something about being afraid of tigers getting him, sharks, and crocodiles eat people sometimes, you know. Yeah, sometimes. My very sympathetic response was something to the affect that I would not let a tiger or a shark eat him and that yes sometimes crocodiles did try to eat people, where did you hear that by the way, now, don't tell me, none of those things are in our house and you can stay in my bed if you be quite and let us go back to sleep.

He's started to use this expression of "you can do xyz, if you want to" when he really wants you to do something in the cutest tone of voice that makes you want to. Like, you can feed N at the table with me while I eat. Yeah, if you want to." Or, "R can come read books with us tonight...if he wants to".

Death has been coming up a lot. I didn't think the death year was supposed to be 4, but I guess we entered it early. It has come up off and on since Shadow died. He pulls out a book to read every now and again on it. He's asking where heaven is and how you get there and talks about the Rainbow bridge, where Shadow is. The other night, he says to me, yeah, but only doggies can die, not you and not children. Gulp! I went into a simple and brief explaination about the circle of life and that all things die eventually when it is there time, but this is a conversation for another time since it is past your bedtime.

The daddy thing has also been coming up a lot. Maybe I've already mentioned this? Twice recently when people were over he has insisted he has a daddy who is coming over and then goes to look out the window and open the door for him. We also do pretend play where I'm the daddy and he's the mommy or He's the mommy and I'm the son or He's the daddy and I'm the mommy or He's the daddy and his stuffed animals are his son's or He's the mommy and has 5 babies in his tummy. I just point out that all families are different or that yes, it would be really great to have a daddy to do xyz with or we don't have a daddy because mommy didn't get married, but loved you so much already that a doctor helped her or that we are a mommy and kid family or some such explaination as seems to fit the situation at the time. I also make sure I point out other families that are also a mommy and kid family (one of the local SMC's son's is a few years older and goes to the same preschool as Max, but both are in the all day program so get joined together in the afternoon). So far, I think it is more trying to figure it out and a whimsy thing it would be nice to have Aunt K come over and stay the night kind of thing.

Amyway, all three kids were up at various points last night and what sleep I had was pretty broken so I'm going to try to fall asleep early then wake to pump or maybe I should just pump now to reset the clock? Hmmm, decisions, decisions, decisions.

* When he isn't calling everyone poopy, himself spitter...and then trying to spit on you or whoever is in sight, or whatever inappropriate thing he thinks is hilarious at the moment.

Twin Milestone

I gave the twins cereal this evening for the first time. It was a whim, just to see how they would do. I had been kind of holding off to have someone to do pictures, but...that wasn't going to happen in the forseable future and I didn't really want to take them to their next peds appointment without at least giving it a go. The expressions were priceless, especially R. Like...what kind of crap are you putting in my mouth. R just pushed it back out with his tongue after rolling it around in there a bit. N also pushed out, but like in all things is much more dramatic. When I kept giving it to her, she gagged and made it clear she would continue and (pretend to) choke. Maybe I'll try again in a few days/next week.

Sunday, January 04, 2009


Things I have a love/hate* relationship no particular order....

- My work
- My nanny
- Pumping

* Okay, love and hate are really probably too strong of words. It is more a like and dislike kind of thing.