Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Spoiled Milk

One of the last things I do before going to bed (unless I get sidetracked on the computer and stay up later than planned) is to pump. One of the first things I do when I wake up is pump. I usually pump one of three places. My bed. The couch. Or, in my office at my work desk. I tend to not move the pump unless I have to. So, if I do the last pump of the night in my bed, I'll do the first pump in my bed. Or, if I do the last pump on the couch, I'll do the first one on the couch.

Anyway, the other morning, I sit down to pump and see my pumping supplies from the night before (I have several sets so I don't have to wash after each use) including the milk I had pumped. Apparently, I had forgotten one important step...putting the milk in the fridge. Pissed me off.

I'm almost over loosing the entire freezer of breast milk. Almost. I had been working myself up for closure by going and tossing it. In the end, I just couldn't and asked Noemi to go purge it for me. That was just a few weeks ago. I still can't bring myself to use that freezer for something else.

On bad days, I get worked up how much and how fast we go through formula compared to breast milk. I've stopped calculating and just remind myself that it is what it is and that I am giving them as much as I can and that is that and it is better than none. Sometimes, I have regrets that N never took to the breast and that as a result R doesn't get the opportunity as much as either would like. And, I tell myself that if things were different like I just had the twins, it is an issue I could have worked harder one, but with the twins and with an older child, you have to do what is best for the entire family.

So, I tend to only BF R right before he goes to bed as a topper offer if the schedule allows and then if he wakes up in the middle of the night or early, which he often does.

It makes me sad sometimes that something I loved so much with Max is just not apart of the equation with the twins. When I do BF R, I'm watching the clock and counting the minutes most of the time (since it is in the middle of the night and I'm usually hoping for more sleep) and I remind myself that I could just give him a bottle and be done with it, but I give him that special time when I can.

Mostly, I'm okay with how things are. The babies are growing nicely. Things are perfect or how I would have wanted or planned, but it works and it is best for the entire family.

Now, if I can just manage not to spoil any more milk, I'll be happy.


Cheryl said...

I have twins too that were in the NICU 5 weeks. I pump 6-8 times a day. I am SOOOO over it. I do not breast feed either. One liked it and the other does not but with weight gain, etc..I pump. They get only part of one bottle a day that is formula am glad it works that way so far but know that one day they will get more formula. I only make so much.

Anonymous said...

I tried very hard to breastfeed my twins for about 3 weeks and then I gave up! I had a toddler, like you, and neither baby latched on very well, and I used more and more formula and it just became a downward spiral. I agree that breastfeeding twins is extremely challenging. angelina jolie just said so in an interview, too. nancy in AK