Sunday, July 31, 2005

Shower went well

I had the shower yesterday and it went well. Better than I thought actually. I still stand by the fact that I could have lived with out one. It just seems so mercenary. Not that I didn’t LOVE every gift I received. It was fun. Better than any birthday party that I ever had, that’s for sure. I have such wonderful friends and my family wasn’t half bad yesterday either. LOL. I’m really glad that I invited folks over to swim and hang out after the official shower. It gave me a chance to spend more time and actually talk to people on a one on one basis. I think that is what appeals to me least is that when you have a get together like that. YOU know everyone, but they may not know anyone else there or only a few people. I feel an obligation to make sure that no one is left feeling uncomfortable or “alone”, but it is hard when there are so many people.

I’ve always said that if I ever found someone I loved and trusted enough to marry I would want to elope. Having a formal wedding is not something I ever dreamed about. I would rather the expense and planning be put to better use. I realized that part of my apathy towards a baby shower wasn’t all just fear of jinxing a good thing or paranoia. If I were getting married, I don’t think I would have wanted a bridal shower either. Just me.

Anyway, like I said, I did have it. It went well. I can now cross it off the list. I had a wonderful time and think that most everyone that came had a great time. Tracy, Heather, and my sisters did a great job in pulling it all together so that people felt comfortable. As much as I complained about Julie, she really did work hard during the shower itself and both she and Heather made a fantastic variety of food.

I think my funniest memory of the day will always be around the party favors. My sister Cindy got baby bottles and filled them with Hershey kisses and decorated them with blue ribbon and the words baby kisses in blue pen. The kids took out the chocolate and have been using them to drink out of, including the 15 year old second cousin and 20 year old niece. Truly funny!

For the first time in my pregnancy, my ankles really swelled up yesterday. I think it was the combination of standing around more and then being out in the heat all afternoon. I was making sure that I was staying hydrated, but when I looked down at one point in the afternoon and saw how swollen they were I increased intake even more and made sure I wasn’t eating anything salty to help contribute. They were back to almost normal size this morning. In my late night reading on the subject of swollen ankles, feet, and hands I was reassured that I was not likely developing pre-eclempsia (LOL) and that I should consider myself blessed that it hasn’t happened much more often since it seems very common especially during the heat of the summer.

My cousin, her husband, and their youngest daughter joined me on a nice nature walk this morning. We went out a bit further than I normally would since it was Sunday and I have absolutely no commitments today. Hip Hip Horray! When we got back, they went to church and I was a slug and just laid around doing nothing all morning. I think I may have even dozed off a bit. It was some really nice alone time that has been scarce lately. I really needed it.

Things are still going well. The baby seemed like he was much more active yesterday than I have felt in awhile. Maybe he is going to be a social butterfly and an avid party go-er when he grows up. I have more pressure in my pelvis and hips today than I have had before, but no contractions or anything else indicating my time may be coming sooner rather than later. I think I am just feeling normal changes in the final weeks before the big event.

Friday, July 29, 2005

“Man” Hands

I just don’t seem to have enough time for everything all of a sudden. The visit with my cousin is going well, but with her here my mom is over almost every afternoon/evening and my sister Julie stops by on a regular basis. This means I have had really no personal time. It is starting to take its toll. Work has been really busy and I haven’t had time to post/blog during work time. None of this stopped me from getting the new Harry Potter book read in 3 days. It helps that I am a fast reader. In grade school, we had to take a speed reading class each year. They would take a story and scroll the sentences by on a screen at a progressively faster pace as the year went on, each year increasing it. At the end of the story you had to take a test answering questions on the content. A real pain at the time, but a skill that has stayed with me and is very valuable as an adult.

Throughout all of the chaos on the home front, including my plumbing backing up on both bathroom floors and into both tubs requiring someone to come clear the sewage pipes (a mere $358 later), and a busy work schedule where I rushed out from meeting with one of my bosses where we made significant updates to a salary plan to go to the OB without saving the file to come back and find out that my computer had crashed and I lost all of the updates and they need to be recreated and into the tool by tomorrow for a meeting that we need to have with our other boss. In the back of my mind with all of this going on was the realization that I am afraid that this whole baby thing just isn’t going to work out. That it is too good to be true. I’m not afraid of labor anymore. I have never been afraid of bringing the kid home no matter how hard everyone keeps insisting on telling me that it is going to be and why don’t I have help lined up. I’m afraid that the baby is just going to die in utero before I go into labor or will die through complications during labor. Purely irrational, I know. I was worried enough that I snuck into my office and did a fetal heart monitor check the other night just to be sure. I have never felt the kid move as much as I am told that I should and it seems like it has been even less lately. If I happen to comment on this fact, I am told it is just because I am “too busy” to notice. I just bite my tongue to prevent myself from snapping back that they must not realize how obsessively I monitor this behind the scenes. I haven’t said anything about my worries because I don’t want to either 1) worry anyone else for something that likely won’t happen and even if it did can’t be controlled 2) make anyone think that I am crazier that I am.

I have been feeling my body change over the last week or so as it prepares itself for labor. This part is actually kind of cool. I feel more pressure in my pelvic and hip area. I was really, really horny there for a few days/week or so. I can’t tell you how tempted I was to act upon the increased libido. Only fear of bringing on preterm labor and contractions convinced me to behave myself. I have had a lot of clear cervical mucus on and off each day. Sometime in globs. Sometimes just a little when I wipe. My vagina and cervix has been really itchy on and off. I wouldn't be suprised if I was a bit more dilated, but glad the new OB didn't check at today's appointment. And, my nice pregnancy sleep pattern seems to be going by the way. I have heard people say at the end of their pregnancy that they have trouble sleeping, mostly this comes with the statement because they are so big and uncomfortable. I am not really THAT big or uncomfortable, but still having trouble either falling asleep or staying asleep this last few days. Must be a hormone shift.

I have been intermittently crabby the last few days. I had a whole post written in my head about all of the little things that have been bugging me that I wanted to get off my chest before I went off on someone, but I didn’t have time to write it. Lack of privacy/alone time, lack of sleep, and hormones are taking its toll.

My OB appointment yesterday went fine. Turns out the Dr. covering for Dr. P isn’t a contractor like I thought, but going to be joining the practice. She was nice enough, but only did a quick check of the baby’s heartbeat saying it “was strong” without counting the beats per min. I was glad I had done it myself the night before or I would have been upset. She also pressed on my lower abdomen really hard to see if the baby’s head was done. I have to say that this really hurt. I was still hurting an hour or so later enough that took some Tylenol and I could feel it at 2:20 am when I woke up for what might be for good tonight. I told Dr. T (covering OB) that I could have TOLD her that the baby’s head was down because that is why Dr. P had put me on bed rest (in other words, look at the F’ing chart). When I went to make next weeks appointment, they kept trying to schedule me with Dr. T saying that Dr. P was so book and that is why they were bringing on a new Dr. I said (in the nicest possible way), look, I will be 3 weeks away from my due date and I want to see MY OB. Finally, they scheduled me with Dr. P at a time when I have a work meeting, but I will just have to miss it. I’ll be going out on leave the next day anyway so work will just have to get used to my not being around a bit earlier.

My cousin keeps saying she hopes I go early while she is still here. I repeat that I don’t want to go too early with my shower this weekend and my OB on vacation until next Tuesday. Probably, it doesn’t matter what OB you get (or so I have been told), but I went to a lot of trouble to get an OB I feel comfortable with and whose style matches mine.

I still don’t have my birthing “plan” done. I guess I need to do that sometime soon if it is going to happen. I think of it more as a birthing preference list as opposed to a plan, but whatever. Just not enough time right now.

I am probably most happy about getting into my hair dresser for highlights (or partial weave as she likes to call it) and a hair cut. I hadn’t been in since the beginning of my second trimester. It was long over due (we calculated it had been 5 months since I had been in) and my hair was really out of control. I was tempted to just get it all chopped off I was so hot, but she convinced me to not be so hasty. LOL.

I am getting a few more things done off the “list”. My bedroom curtains are down and at the dry cleaners. Not a must have, but something I wanted to get done before the kid arrives. My shower is this weekend. I will be really happy to cross that one off of “the list”.

I could do a whole blog entry on how my sister Julie has been driving me crazy in general and specifically how she has annoyed me around the shower where she keeps committing to things and to help out and then dishing them off to someone else to do. It would be less annoying if I didn’t know that she will for the rest of our lives take credit for the great baby shower that “she” threw me. I am trying to let it go.

She was here when I got home for getting my hair done last night and I just groaned as I drove in. She didn’t comment on how nice my hair looked or ask how my OB appointment went (at least not at first). I was starving and making a quick dinner for myself. My stomach was still sore from the OB “baby head down check”. I was tired after a busy work day and running around afterwards. What is the first thing my sister says to me? ”Oh, your hands have changed. You now have “man” hands like Kris (my youngest sister) and I.” I civilly replied, that yes, my fingers were really stiff and swollen right now. (They have been this way for awhile, remember the carpal tunnel blog awhile back?. The tingling has gone, but they are stiff and swollen and it is worse at night.) At least, I think I was civil. She said, “It’s not just that your fingers are now stubby and swollen, but your veins are all raised” and something else about her 40th Birthday and a picture of her and Kris and hands on hips and “man” hands. Truthfully, I stopped listening and tuned her out for my own sanity. Once my pasta was done, I hightailed it into the office saying I had some work to finish up, which really was true, to escape.

My sister Cindy is in town, but I will likely only see her on Saturday at the shower and at the “after” shower swim party at my house since she is hiding out at her friend Audra’s house for the weekend because Julie is annoying her too and all the beds/rooms at my house area already taken by my cousin and her family. Julie told her that she was responsible for doing fruit salad and party favors for the shower yesterday (Thursday) for the shower on Saturday. Rather than arguing and making it more stressful for me, she agreed (but, we did have a nice phone call to complain about it and Julie in general). Have I mentioned recently about how I could have lived without a shower? I am sure it will be nice, but it is stressful and I am not even doing anything for it except trying to keep the peace. I would have liked to spend a little one on one time with Cindy while she was here. She is the sister I consider myself closest to and we haven’t seen each other since last Christmas, but it doesn’t look like that is in the cards. She’s already pitching for me to bring the baby out for Christmas, because it will be much nicer to spend it with her and her kids. LOL. I told we will see, but probably I will want to spend my first Christmas at home with the baby. And, that a lot would depend on how the whole sleep through the night things is going. She is funny. She will keep pressing her point until then, subtly of course. Again, I wish that we would have some quality alone time while she is here. Sigh. But, at least she is having fun with her friend and enjoying being away from her kids.

The highlight of my day? Being told I have “man” hands, of course. Just what every woman wants to here, right?

Bottom line is that all is going well. I am feeling 9 months pregnant, but think that what I am feeling is better than what most are feeling at this stage of pregnancy. All and all, I am really not that uncomfortable and am feeling pretty good.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Off Bed Rest

I have officially been off bed rest for a few days now. However, after all my complaining, I think I got too used to it. On Sunday, I got up and took the dogs for a short easy shaded walk and then watered my back yard (my container rose tree’s are about dead with all this heat and lack of water). I had to come in and take a nap. Seriously.

Not much new. Started reading the new Harry Potter book. Finished a book called #1 Women’s Detective Agency over the weekend. Worked yesterday (sort of). Working today (sort of). Wish I were already off work AND not on bed rest. I guess I am getting greedy.

Shadow, my older dog has really been limping the last day or two since I got off bed rest. She is 15 and I think that my change in schedule and being on bed rest really affected her as well. After a few days of more regular walking and two different kinds of pain medicine she is doing better and getting back toned up. No matter what anyone says, I know that this regular walking is good for us all. My cousin has been going with. She completely agrees that I have sufficiently toned down the difficulty to an appropriate level and pace of us all.

I really wish I could go take a nap, but I have a work meeting in an hour so not enough time. I get to see my favorite Dr. Dan late this afternoon. Yeah, for that.

I guess I am just in a tired, quiet, mode. Plus, the house is full with company so I haven’t had much time on the computer.

All is well. Just think I got extra lazy after lying around for a few weeks and am still doing that as much as possible. Nothing seems that urgent or worth the effort right now. Not in a bad way, just in a …I’m really feeling 9 months pregnant right now and can’t believe I have 4 weeks left (or 3w4d, but whose counting?).

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Today’s OB Appointment = Good News…Only 3 more days of BR

Yes, the highlight of my week was my OB appointment and this was even before I had the exam and got the good news. Dr. P laughed when I told her that seeing her and being out of the house was the highlight of my week. It was the first time I had driven and been out of the house all week. Boy, was it nice to see some other scenery. I didn’t even mind the traffic, although I did have to curse at a few fellow drivers for their stupid and dangerous driving.

Cervix was exactly the same as last week. This supports the theory that I could have been dilated for awhile and we just didn’t know because it was never checked. Many women, including my sister Cindy with her last child, walk around dilated at 2 or 3 for weeks or even a month or so before delivery. To be cautious she wants me to continue to restrict my activity until Saturday. Then she said I could get up and do as I desire, even jumping jacks to celebrate if I like. LOL.

I was so happy to get out of the house. I washed my hair this morning and put in hot rollers after it dried; put on make-up and jewelry; and wore my best maternity shorts/top. I would have worn one of maternity dresses except it is better to only have to get half undressed when doing an internal exam or being able to just pull down the shorts when they are just doing a heart beat check.

I think the little guy was as happy as I was to get out of the house. He hasn’t moved as much this week. In fact the other day, I got worried enough to check on the rented fetal heart monitor. He and I were getting down to the music. I was singing and he was moving away in there. I hadn’t thought about it, but I guess the big change in my routine really affected his too. I am sure that he misses walking the doggies as much as I do.

I go back again next Thursday, but Dr. P will be on vacation so I will see another Dr. She said the other Dr. would just check the baby’s hb, my blood pressure, weight, urine, etc. with no internal exam. This means that unless I have contractions, I should be good to go for the duration.

I asked if getting in the pool and floating on a raft would be considered bed rest. She laughed and said that she would allow it since things looked so good as long as I had a bottle of water out there with me and I made sure that I didn’t get dehydrated.

I had a nice long talk with my sister Cindy who is home from Europe. They were there to spend a few weeks with her husband’s family, who lives there. Her kids were jet lag and went to bed early so we had a nice long uninterrupted talk for a change. She went through her son’s stuff (her first day back from a 3 week trip to Europe) and said she had saved a lot more than she realized and I would be set until my little guy is 3. She was even washing it all for me so I didn’t have to deal with it and will bring it with her when she comes for the shower. Isn’t that nice?

So, unless something changes, I told work that likely I will be putting in the last two weeks as planned with my last day being Aug. 5th. Then, two weeks to rest and relax. A friend, or was it my sister, laughed and predicted that after all of this he was going to be late. Time will tell.

Getting out of the house was enough to keep me smiling all day. Knowing that I only have 3 more days, just as a precaution to lay low, has me glowing.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Bed Rest/Baby Update

I had a good night sleep last night after a lousy one the night before. I’m feeling much better and less emotional as a result.

I told work today that if I am given another week of bed rest tomorrow at my appointment I am going to go out on disability as of Monday. I have had to do a lot of typing the last day or two and it is talking it’s toll on my back and shoulders. Plus, logistically, it will be much more difficult with my cousin and her kids here because my “day” room is on the bed in the spare room that she will be using. I could take my laptop anywhere in the house, but my work phone is a land line that I can really only use in my office or in the room next to it. I have whole in the wall through the closet where I pulled a spare wire through when the house was being painted. I could go get a new wireless phone I guess, but that just seems like so much work.

Now that I know what it feels like, I am pretty sure that the baby has moved back into birth position with his head down between the hips and the pelvis. Drat, just in time for tomorrows appointment. He had moved out of that position (or at least that’s what it felt like) sometime on Friday or Saturday of last week. I’m wondering if I did a hand stand, I could get him to move again. LOL.

Bed Rest is going better than I thought. I’ve had a lot to occupy my time/thoughts. It is much easier to follow Dr.’s orders on day’s like today when I can feel the baby in position or on Sunday when I was having cramps.

This, I’m sure, falls under the category of TMI, but I am almost positive that Sunday’s cramping/irritated uterus issue was caused by a mostly unplanned “O” on Saturday night. I woke up around 12:30 from a very erotic dream that had me hot and bothered. I “O’’d before I remembered that probably wasn’t a good idea. Hey, I may be single, but I’m not dead sexually. I’m used to fairly regular “O”s and have lots of extra hormones right now. I’ve made a mental note not to forget again.

My ex-BF. My first and only true love. The one I thought I might marry some day way back in the day. The only one that I dated that is the closest to my ideal mate, if he didn’t have a few fatal flaws. Him. We are just friends these days, who occasionally choose to sleep together when he is visiting. Usually, this occurs when I am in the mood and tell him to be prepared to put out. Not that I am a ho or anything, but we’ve known each other for, gosh, almost 20 years now. It’s comfortable. We really like each other. I’m glad that we never did tie the knot, but he remains a good friend and we always have a wonderful time together. He lives a few states away these days. He’s coming into town middle of September. We have a date to play cards with another buddy of ours. It’s like a tradition. He promises to not be too loud and obnoxious and wake the baby. LOL. We get kind of competitive at times. It’s funny. Even after all of these years, he was really relieved when he found out I was pregnant by donor instead of a male partner. Not to worry, he told me that he had the snip snip, even if I am able and in the mood to sleep with him, he won’t produce a sibling. Besides, we were always very cautions, even when I was on the pill, and typically use at least one if not two condoms. Okay, off the sex subject before I end up with another wet dream tonight which would probably be really bad with baby back in position and OB appointment tomorrow.

I’m debating whether to circumcise or not if the baby really is a boy. I’m leaning towards no since it is elective surgery. Every now and again, I think that maybe I should. We will see. My nephew and his father (one of my brother in laws) aren’t. Don’t know about the other BIL, but think he probably is. Hmmm. I've never been with anyone who wasn't. Wish I had a viusal comparison in my mind.

It’s been really hot and humid here.

The baby really hasn’t been moving much over the last day or two. At least not that I can feel. I was worried enough that I pulled out the rented fetal heart monitor yesterday and did a live baby check. Still alive and the heart beat was strong and about his typical range. Maybe he is just running out of room to move. Not good, if I want to get him to change positions by tomorrow before my OB appointment.

I have stopped listening to my doula’s hypno birth CD. In it she has you visualize the baby in the birth position and being in labor. Just in case it was actually working too well, I have stopped until the event gets closer and I am off restriction.

Mom’s here. She did a Costco run and stocked me up on water and a few other things, plus cereal, corn dogs, and other junk that my cousins kids like. She bought a salad from there for dinner and I just threw some Chicken Breasts in the oven for dinner. Going out would be nicer, but….

I really hate having to turn on the oven when I have the AC down so low and it is so hot outside, but let’s face it. Oven baked chicken is WAY easier than grilled chicken only because you don’t have to get the grill ready and watch it so closely.

I’m thinking and praying for M who just had her best cycle ever after 5 and just started the 2ww and R who just had a less than ideal cycle and just started the 2ww. I hope those little embryo’s have implanted and are growing as we speak. May the force or fertility goddesses or fate be with them.

Since today is Wednesday, I am 5.5 days through my first week of bed rest. It has actually gone kind of fast. I haven’t really even turned on the TV or had a chance to read the trash magazines a friend brought me. Like I said, it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I just had to get into the zone I think. Not that I wouldn’t be thrilled if Dr. P, lessened my restrictions, but I am not holding my breath. I’m just holding out a small (very small) ray of hope.

I think that is all of the random thoughts I have in my brain to share right now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Being Grateful

Things are going well here. I settled into bed rest by day 3. Even starting to lose count of the days. Sunday I was a bit crampy on and off for about 12 hours, but the on-call OB said take Terbutaline every 3 hours as needed. This did the trick and by Sunday night the cramping was gone and has not come back.

I was worried about being bored while on BR, but not to fear. Haven't felt bored not once. The help and support I have received has been almost overwhelming at times. One of the things I am truly grateful for is the great, supportive friends that I have who have stopped by the help both a little and a lot. This is one of many reasons I feel blessed right now.

I won't go into all the details and the circumstances, but in a conversation with a good friend of mine I was told that she couldn't believe that I was complaining because my pregnancy has been problem free until now. I should just be grateful that I was pregnant in the first place as she would give anything to be in my place right now pregnant and being told to be on BR. I have been told that I should have had the nursery set up earlier. I have waited too long for the shower. Mostly, how dare I complain?

I must say that “God Bless Them” and I mean this in the most sincere way, from my heart. Most of my friends and support have come from women who are still ttc and/or who have been pregnant once and m/c. They are either "on a break" because they can't take the stress of the process right now or have just had a failed cycle. One of them was here helping while cramping from period of her 5th failed cycle (1st after m/c). I told her she is a better friend than I because I don't think I could have done it. I really don't. I have told her several times that I would completely understand if she needed a break from the friendship and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I have been where she has and it sucked. I couldn't even stand to see or hear about someone else pregnant let alone look at them and help them. And, I am only one of 3 of her friends that are all due within weeks of each other. I can't even imagine how difficult and painful that must be for her.

And, it is hurtful to be told that I am not grateful and I should never complain. It is a slippery slope. I guess I won't be able to complain after the baby is born, assuming of course we both actually make it through the delivery, about being tired or anything else.

I have been surprised that I have slept very well so far each night on BR. I was afraid after lying around all day I wouldn't. I have been up and down and tossing and turning all night with this topic on my mind. I had to get up and search out an old Tertia archive post because she could say it better than I ever could.

Here is my list....

Things I am grateful for:
• That I am pg, I am truly 100% grateful, honored, appreciative
• That I am healthy and in good physical shape
• That I made it to 35w, so far so good
• That I have such terrific helpful friends
• That I have a great bosses and supportive colleagues
• That my dogs are still alive and that Lucky is in remission
• That the ttc journey has introduced me to the most wonderful and diverse set of friends that I KNOW I would never have met unless my journey was so long
• That the ttc process has made me more aware and empathetic of how difficult and emotionally draining can be, but how women can band together to ride the ride together making it just a bit easier than it was.

Things I am not grateful for:
• That the ttc process (mine and others) has made me so jaded and paranoid that I have spent much of my pregnancy worried
• That at 35w I can still doubt I will get a live baby out of this deal
• That I have to spend the day on bed rest for fear of going into labor
• That I have to worry that even if I do this BR thing perfectly, it won't matter
• That I am so in so much pain sometimes from laying around when I am normally so active
• That I am judged by my friend on what I should have or should not have done during the pregnancy and what is left of it.

Tertia said it best. I am only human. I can be grateful and ungrateful at the same time. This holds true with only being pregnant. This will hold true if I really am blessed with a healthy happy baby out of this gig.

I don't need the trimmings. I could care less whether the nursery is done perfect before he gets here. I could care less about the shower. I could care less that the majority of the baby things that were in the garage were dusty and dirty. Me, I just want a healthy, happy baby to hold in my arms.

Having the furniture here and all of the baby paraphernalia out, while very, very helpful and I am glad it is done, is hard for me. Every time I see it, the old worry comes back that, although very unlikely at this point, that this won't have a good outcome. I'll come home from the hospital empty handed after all this and have to look at my hopes and dreams down the drain in the form of a baby swing, a bouncy chair, and a room that, while not complete, looks like a baby's room instead of a spare room. I am not Jewish, but really can relate to the Jewish practice of not having everything set up until after the baby arrives.

I say to my friends still trying, thank you for being my friend and supporting me while I am pregnant. It means more than you can ever know. But, please, don't judge me. I am happy to be where I am, but the journey has been a difficult one. It has scared me and changed me for life in ways (both good and bad) that I could never have imagined along the way. Please don't judge me if I complain a little. Please don't judge me if I sit at the computer too long or don't follow the BR guidelines the way you think I should. Please don't judge me for hoping that my OB releases me from BR in a week or two. Please don't judge me, in the unlikely chance my OB does free me of BR sometime in the near future, for following her advice and not staying on self prescribed BR until term just as a precaution.

Please trust that I will do what "I" think is best for both me and the baby. It may not be what you think is best or what you would do or have done. And, like anything in life, I will have to live with the consequences of any decision I make along the way no matter how big or small it is.

I hope and pray that you will get your turn very soon to move from the ttc path to pregnancy and then to motherhood. We each have had different paths and journeys. Even going through the same process, we will not look at things the same way.

Until you have walked in my shoes and have lived in my body, please don't judge me for what I have or have not done. I am only human. I am doing the best I can knowing that I have to live with each and every decision and choice that I make.

I know that you are only human and are hurting inside because you hold the dream of having a child just as deeply as I do and I am much closer.

It just brings tears to my eyes and I could get myself worked up again that anyone could think I am ungrateful for being where I am at. I'm grateful. Trust me.

Now, if only I get a healthy, happy baby out of this.

Switching gears, since bed rest, I have stopped listening to the doula's hypno birth CD. Possibly, it was working too well. Perhaps, I pictured the baby in the birth position too well. Maybe, I imagined labor and riding through the contractions too well.
Back to bed. Back to rest. Back to sleep?

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Bed Rest Day 2:

After I got over my pity party, Day 1 wasn’t completely horrible. I’m so glad that I had work. I talked to several people who thought I was crazy for not going out on disability while I have the chance, especially because I have enough hours accrued I would be paid at full salary. It’s not an ego thing. I don’t think anyone else can’t do my job or that I am irreplaceable. Actually, my back up while I am out on maternity will probably do my job better in some ways than I do. She is more detailed oriented and I am more high level. Not that I can’t do the details, I just don’t like to and often don’t, finding other important things to do instead. Although, I have teased her to not do my job so well when I am out that they don’t want me back. LOL. The job will be done somewhat differently, not better or worse. I’m okay with that. The truth of the matter is that I like my job and the people that I work with. Sure, I don’t like everything about it or everyone I work with. I don’t think anyone will find a job like that. However, overall I like work and look forward to working every day. Plus as egotistical as it may sound, I am good at it. I have a natural confidence at work that hasn’t come so naturally in other parts of my life. I had serious work alcoholic tendencies in my past. When I moved to LA almost 10 years ago, I made myself a promise that I would have a more balanced life and would cut back. I have kept that promise. At the time, I thought it would mean less choices, less advancement, less opportunity and more mundane work. I’m happy to say that hasn’t been true. I have had to put some boundaries in place. I only take/schedule meetings before 9 am on very rare and important circumstances. I have only done it 3 or 4 times this year which is a challenge since I work with many people and all of my bosses are either on eastern or central time. I don’t work tons of overtime anymore. Occasionally, I will work late or a weekend if something really has to get done, but I won’t do it as a rule anymore. One of the reasons my maternity back up will likely do better in some parts of my job is that she is willing to put in a lot of overtime that I am just not willing to do anymore. To make a long story short, I don’t let my job define who I am, but I do like it and it is a good distraction for me. I’m not quite ready to be off yet. Maybe next week when my cousin is here.

After work, my friend Tracy came over to keep me company. She took the dogs on a quick walk and went to the grocery store for me. I got teary eyed again when she left with the dogs and I couldn’t go. In fact, I am getting teary eyed again typing this. I think I could better handle bed rest most of the time if I could have my walks. At least one of them a day. Better move to a different subject before I get myself all worked up into another full fledge pity party again.

I still haven’t heard from my normal dog walker. It is unusual enough that I hope he is okay. Probably it is something like he went out of town and left his pager/cell phone and/or charger on accident or it is out of range and he wasn’t expecting it or something like that. I called my vets office and the receptionists sister is in high school and looking for extra cash. She is going to walk them in the evenings, at least this weekend. They have a big garage sale planned for this weekend and she couldn’t do it in the mornings, which is my first preference. That’s a relief. I wish I had something firm lined up for the mornings. My neighbor Susan came over yesterday and brought me a Jamba Juice. She commented on how Shadow is really struggling and limping “really bad”. Shadow is old and used to being walked twice a day for at least 80 – 90 min. which the vet has said is the best thing for her and keeps her loose and nimble. She has gone from that to almost no walking in days. The dogs are handling it better than I thought, but this bed rest thing is hard on us all. Susan said she would come by again sometime today and take them out for me. She couldn’t do it last night because she had organized a big neighborhood watch walk for last night. I can’t wait to here how it went since I had to miss it. And, my friend Heather said she would call and come by this morning. She’ll take the dogs out if I asked or Susan hasn’t come over yet.

Not to worry, I am not sitting at my computer typing up this long rambling blog entry. I am typing it on my work laptop while lying on my side with pillows propped under my left armpit for support in what I am referring to as my “day” room. I will transfer it to my home computer and post from there.

To keep myself sane, I have designated my bedroom as normal, at night sleep room. The bed in my spare room is my official “day” room which is set up with my laptop and work phone. It offers me a view of the front yard and street like I would get if I was working in my office or at my home computer. The couch’s in the living room and in the back yard (if it isn’t too hot) are designated as evening locations or company come visiting locations. One must do what one must do to keep sane.

Salvation Army is coming between 10:30 and 1:30 and will hopefully haul away all my no longer wanted, but hard to part with furniture. I really don’t like the fact that I was asked if it was in “good” condition and that the driver has the discretion to refuse to take any of it. I told the lady it isn’t in great condition otherwise I wouldn’t be getting rid of it, but it is still serviceable and solid wood furniture. We will see. I may have to go off on the driver if he refuses any of it. He is dealing with a pregnant women in a fragile state.

I am trying to behave myself as much as possible. I’ve decided I like the term restricted activity better than bed rest and am going to use that with my family, who I still haven’t told. I only have one incident of blatant disregard for my dr.’s orders, but I am doing the best I can with this. I know. I know. There could truly be a lot worse fates. In the whole scheme of things, bed rest isn’t really that bad. Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally and physically it is really, really hard on me.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Feeling more than a little sorry for myself

Morning 1 on bed rest: Woke up ready to get going like usual then remembered the bed rest jail sentence. Yesterday wasn’t so bad because I was tired and was pre-occupied. It is really, really hard to start today without getting out of the house and some fresh air. I know this is the best for the baby which is only why I am doing it. I know that I am blessed for getting this far in the pregnancy and having the opportunity to have a child. I am not much of a complainer (or at least try not to be), but today and the next week really are stretching long in front of me. I can’t help the tears streaming down my face. I am just not a bed rest kind of person. It makes me think I am addicted to the exercise. I know the stereotype of the overweight person is couch potatoes with bad eating habits and no exercise. While overweight, I am not that person.

I’m wondering if just keeping the weight off the pelvis is the entire goal or not. Maybe I could get in the pool and swim for about 20/30 min. a day? I have decided after only 30 min. of not following my normal routine (but, not really in bed either) that I am brave enough to ask my OB this even though she will probably think I am crazy. The worst she can say is “no”. I even if she does, I may go float for a bit each afternoon/evening just to be outside a bit. She DID say, reclining position, not sitting when I asked for clarification and floating in the pool does fit within that, although is pushing the edge I’m sure.

I understand the need. I am going to do the best I can. But, it is going to be a long, hard week for me. I really was thinking that I would make it through the entire pregnancy, at this point, with no major problems or bed rest. Silly, stupid me.

My cousin comes next Friday so I will have more help and distraction then. I guess this will be a good character building exercise for me this bed rest not getting morning exercise thing.

Drying my tears and moving to the spare bed room for the daytime part of my jail sentence now.

Part of my baby furniture is getting delivered today. I wonder what time? Too bad they aren’t open at 6:45 am so I can call and find out.

Did I mention that my shoulder is back to hurting again? It really is quite painful. I think it is being caused (or at least irritated by) my using the mouse on the computer as well. Normally, I would just deal with it. Today, it is just one more thing to feel sorry for myself about.

The dogs seem restless and ready to get out this morning as well. I talked to my regular vet yesterday since the oncologist is out of town. She said it could have been the antibiotic that we put Lucky on for the bladder infection that was causing the problem and to stop that to see if it stopped the nausea and vomiting. I think maybe that was it. That's good news. Shadow isn't quite as restless, but wondering what the deal is. She is leaving her hot spot alone as long as I put Aloe or Neosporin on it every now and again. I guess they will deal with the best rest thing along with me. I never heard back from my dog walker. I'm hoping he is able to come later this morning and just didn't call back because he didn't get the message until late. We will see.

Okay, Okay, enough stalling. Back to lay down now. As much as I really don’t want to.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Bed Rest

Today is the day that I was put on bed rest. Yep, the OB appointment was going well until she checked my cervix. I think she only did it because 2 other women who were about as far along as I am came in dilated today and I was already undressed for the Step B culture (or whatever it is called) that they do around this time. I was SHOCKED when she said I was 2 cm and she was putting me on bed rest. I thought she was joking at first because I haven’t had any cramping or anything. She said, no, the baby’s head is down. I can feel it and the sack. I’m not joking. While I was surprised to be dilated, I wasn’t really surprised to know that the baby had dropped because I was having more pressure and pelvis aches. Not bad, but enough for me to wonder. Bed rest it is. I was feeling very crampy and worried after the exam. I called the on-call dr. and he asked if she had prescribed anything to calm the uterus. I said no because I wasn’t having any cramping before just after. I told him I did have some Terbutaline from trying to get pregnant. He said, “trying to get pregnant” in disbelief. I said it is a long story. He let it go, but when I read the dosage he said take ½ a pill now and if still crampy take another ½ pill in an hour. If still crampy and/or it is getting worse to call back. The one dose of Terbutaline did the trick. I have been good and just lying around since. A friend and I were supposed to go to dinner tonight, but she brought dinner instead. I probably won’t be around much since my home computer is a desktop and not in a place where I can lay down and access it. I am going to try to work with my laptop (which is wireless). We will see. Dr. P said she wants me to try to get to at least 36 weeks. This means likely that I will be on bed rest for the next two weeks unless things go south between now and then. I go back next Thursday (1 week) for a check. I called the Doula to give her an update. She said, well, at least we now know that you can dilate without intense pain. When I told her about the bed rest she asked so is that what you are going to do? I’m not sure what she meant, but…yeah…the difference between 6 weeks pre-term and 4 weeks pre-term is that your baby goes into the NICU for at least a week at 6 weeks and likely you can bring him home at 4 weeks. Bed rest it is. Shadow, Lucky and I are a motley crew. Shadow has a big hot spot on her rear, Lucky vomited again today, and I am down for the count. Needless to say, they didn’t get walked tonight and are handling it well. I have a call into the dog walker for help starting tomorrow. Over and out for now.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wednesday’s Suck

I have decided that my current Wednesday work schedule just plain sucks. I am in meetings back to back from 9 am – noon with a short break (as long as the last meeting doesn’t run late) to return phone calls, respond to emails, pee, and maybe get some lunch. Maybe. Then, I go into a few more hours of meetings. I was in 7 hours of meetings today and trying to multi-task to get other things done and work emails responded to during the meetings. My brain is like mush after that. I had to work a bit late to get some stuff out the door while listening to my mom whine about hurrying up so we could go out to eat. In the meantime, Lucky had a massive vomit attack where she just puked her guts up for about 30 min. She started shaking and seemed like she couldn’t breathe for a bit. I was trying to clean that up before she reclaimed it and hurled it up again, comfort her and calm her down, and be one the phone from work. I did manage to get a call into the vet, but didn’t get to talk to her. I called back before I left for dinner and was told she wasn’t there and wouldn’t be back until Monday. But, had a message from her with 5 min. of when I left. I talked to another vet in the office who was clueless. Lucky seems better now so I’m not going to worry about it for now. I needed to talk to the vet about the bladder infection I had her into the reg. vet for on Sat. Turns out it isn’t a bladder infection but some crystals and something else was seen in the urine. Reg. vet said talk to Oncologist. Oncologist now gone. The antibiotics she has been on since Sat. seems to be helping so I have continued them. Will call Reg. vet tomorrow and tell her what happened today and get advice. Probably, just wait until Oncologist is back on Monday unless something bad happens between now and then. It was hotter than hell today (or so it seemed). It was 103 at 5:30ish when I left for dinner with mom and had cooled to 97 by the time I got home. I have the A/C cranked still. I usually turn it off at night, but don’t think I will tonight. Wednesday’s in general suck. This one seemed to suck even more with Lucky being so sick and it being so hot. I have most of the vomit cleaned up except for the nice 3 patches in the baby’s room. After that, she either needed mommy comfort or wanted me to at least know which dog was getting sick and stuck to my side and puked right in front of me for the rest of them and I tried to clean them up as they went along. I have never seen her so sick. Yes, it was a fun day.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Complements of Dr. Dan…

I know I say this after every visit, but I just love Dr. Dan. He worked on my shoulder and gave me some stretches to help and suggested I sleep with a pillow under my arm to keep my shoulder from rolling forward, which he said is causing the problem. He gives the absolute best massages. Normally, I go once a month. I decided to start going more frequently as I get closer to help with all the aches and pains I have heard get worse the closer you get to your due date.

For your amusement and spiritual growth, Dr. Dan shared the following prayers:

Female/Male prayers (with thanks to Dr. “O” for sharing this)

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And always be my very best friend. Amen.

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge _ _ _ _ _
Who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care. Amen.

(well, is this pretty much true, folks???)

ETA: If I were Dr. Dan’s assistant I would be pissed at him. Granted, I don’t think he told everyone this, just me…since he knows that I am single and needed reproductive help to get pregnant. But, he told me that June was out for a few days for IVF and that this is her second and that the first one failed. I told him that I would spare him the details, but I got pregnant on a cancelled IVF cycle and that I so hope it works for her this time because it is a long hard journey. As I told him, by the time you get to the point of doing IVF you have already faced a long hard road. He sheepishly said, yes, she didn’t want me to say anything because everyone would ask how it went and it was so hard to talk about if it didn’t work. I agreed with her that it really is hard. Of course, now I want to know details like what was her protocol, who was her RE, etc. I didn’t ask Dr. Dan because I am sure he doesn’t know and I would never ask June herself unless she brings it up herself which is unlikely unless Dr. Dan tells her that he told me which is unlikely. Somehow, I like her a lot more knowing she is going through this as unfair as that is. Go, June, Go!! I’m hoping you are sharing nice preggo news soon!

2 am complaining

I can't sleep. I have something out of alignment someplace and my right shoulder just plain hurts. It only bugs my when I lay down and has gotten worse the last few nights. It is worst when I am lying on my left side which is the recommended position during mid to late pregnancy and best when I am lying flat on my back which is a big no-no. I am sure I just need to stretch someplace or someway to make it better, but can't figure it out. Trust me. I have tried. Thank goodness I am seeing Dr. Dan, my chiropractor tomorrow. I think he will be able to fix it for me. I'm hoping the combination of a very warm bath and Tylenol is enough to let me get some sleep.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Monday’s Musings

In case I haven’t ever mentioned it, I work in corporate America for a fairly large size company. I was talking to a colleague today about how I was feeling, the whole girl/boy switch, etc. Hey, she asked! I don’t typically bring it up unless asked a direct question. Anyway, at one point, she said something like how did your husband react or take the news. I said, Oh, I’m not married, but the pregnancy was very planned and I’m thrilled. She got so embarrassed and apologized for making that assumption. I told her not to worry it was a natural assumption as I was laughing. She was truly mortified and upset. One of the benefits of working in such a corporate environment is that I very rarely get asked questions or details that I have heard that other Single Mom’s by Choice get about whose the daddy, etc. and so forth. Actually, it is very rare that anyone does even mention a husband. Most of the time, I will correct the assumption. Sometimes I don’t. Anyway, it just struck me as really funny.

Mr. UPS brought my first baby presents today. Several ladies that I work with ordered a waterproof mattress pad and baby sheets from my registry. They bought it before they knew about the girl/boy thing and were glad that I mostly registered for more gender neutral type colors. It is a yellow called "butter" it think. It was so nice and thoughtful. I may have hated doing the registering, but found I really like getting the gifts. I guess I had better get out there soon to make sure I don’t have too many girly type things out there on the registry since I can't actually remember what I put on the registry.

Boy Names….Have I mentioned the ones I am thinking about? Jacob (Jake), Max, and Zachary (Zach). The one I am most drawn to is Zach, but still looking through the books to see if anything else strikes me as better. A woman at the SMC meeting on Saturday suggested I go to the park and scream out the name a few times to see which one I liked best. LOL. It made me realize that they are all one consonance (? Is that the right word, to lazy to go look it up? or is it syllable) and sound very similar.

Jacob Allen Z = JAZ
Jacob Andrew Z = JAZ
Max Z = MZ (If I use Max I may go without a middle name because I can’t fine one I like that goes)
Zachary Edward Z – ZEZ
Zachary Z – ZZ (no middle name)
Zachary Anthony Z – ZAZ

*where Z is a one syllable last name

What do you think? Any other names or combinations you want to throw out for consideration?

Sunday, July 10, 2005

My Major Meltdown

I was so happy when I woke up this morning and realized that today was Sunday and I had no commitments and nothing that I really had to get done. I lay in bed about a half hour longer than normal and then I took the dogs on a nice nature walk. I thought about going to the beach, but decided that was a tad more ambitious than I felt. I found out that I had lost 2 of the 3 lbs. I recently put on. I had thought about stopping by the ATM while out with the dogs, but couldn’t find 2 checks (totaling about $450) that I wanted to deposit. After a nice breakfast of left over spaghetti with homemade vegetarian sauce, I decided that something must be done in the office and between a few phone calls managed to bag up about 15 paper grocery bags of books to take to the used bookstore. I decided to take them and just put them in front of the store (it was 10:30 am and the store doesn’t open until 1 pm on Sunday’s) instead of waiting so I could move on. I had just finished taking out the last bag out of my car when a worker came out and told me that they couldn’t accept the books today and asked if I could bring them back in a few days. I told her that I really couldn’t because I was pregnant and needed to get them out of the house. She got a bit nasty and told me she would probably just have to throw them all away then. I said something like she had to do what she felt was best, but it would be a shame to see them wasted like that and just got in my car and left. If I hadn’t had them all unloaded already, I probably would have donated them to a library or something else instead, but I just wasn’t going to stand around and listen to her bad attitude and reload them and/or bring them home. On the drive home, I just started crying and had a major melt down. It was on par with when I found out I miscarried last summer and found out a few months ago that Lucky had cancer. I knew that I was totally over reacting to the situation as I just lay in bed sobbing with my Lucky next to me giving me kisses and looking very concerned. I don’t really know what happened. I wasn’t and am not really stressed about anything right now (as I psychoanalyzed myself wondering if I was more nervous or worried about the baby coming and/or anything associated with it than I thought I was). I’m not. I’m putting it down to just a random hormonal thing. I finally made myself calm down and get a grip when I started getting shooting pain in my lower abdomen and realized that the baby was moving around quite a bit and likely upset because I was upset and that I wasn’t doing anyone any good by the drama. I got up, blew my nose, turned on the A/C, put back on my p.j.’s, climbed back in bed, forced myself to relax, and ended up taking a nap. The day went up hill from there. I went and floated in the pool for awhile and talked on the phone. Then, decided to tackle more of the office. I made great progress and got the remaining books re-organized and shelved; got the pictures back on the wall; went through all of the paperwork and bills; and paid bills. I even found those two missing checks in a stack of paper that I swore I had looked through at least twice. I walked the dogs and decided I deserved a treat so I called in a pickup order to CPK (California Pizza Kitchen) for their steamed chicken dumplings and ½ order of Chinese chicken salad. I stopped by the ATM and deposited those checks on the way to pick up dinner before they got misplaced again; came home and watched a bit of TV while enjoying my dinner; and came into the office to admire my day’s accomplishment (and since I was so close to the computer to do a quick or not so quick blog about my day). I still can’t quite believe that I had such a major melt down over something so stupid. While I am still feeling emotionally drained, I can laugh at myself over it. When I was walking the dogs I remembered my sister calling me when she was pregnant once balling because she had dropped a gallon of milk carrying it in the house and it broke and spilt everywhere. Like I said, I am putting it down to an odd pregnancy related hormonal thing. I plan on taking a warm bath and then going to bed. While the sharp shooting abdomen pain went away after I calmed down, I have been a bit crampy on and off all day. I’m hoping that isn’t a bad thing. I am almost positive I haven’t put myself into pre-term labor, but obviously the thought did cross my mind or I wouldn’t have mentioned it. This morning just made me all the more thankful that I have not been that emotional for my entire pregnancy. Yes, I have gotten a bit teary eyed at some songs on the radio or when I hear bad news from a friend or about a tragedy like what happened in London last week, but nothing like the all out melt down of today. I wish I had another day in the weekend before the work week, but no such luck. Maternity leave will be here before I know it without me trying to rush it. I still can’t believe that I got so upset over something so minor and stupid.

Friday, July 08, 2005


Lucky had her first radiation treatment today. She seems to have come through like a charm, thank goodness! She seemed a bit groggy and disoriented right after the treatment, but they had to put her under general anesthesia to do it. And, this is the first time she has been “under” like that. It’s funny. She now has blue X’s all over the front of her body where they marked the radiation spots. No treatment for her now (one can only hope and pray) for a month when they do the other, lower, half of her body. Then, we just do monthly check up’s to see if she has stayed in remission.

Usually, her appointments have been on Thursday afternoons. I was so out of it yesterday that I thought her appointment was yesterday, not today. Because she had to go under anesthesia, she wasn’t able to eat that morning until the appointment. I could tell she was so hungry. She kept following me around and whining at me like WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM HERE how can you forget to feed me. I was feeling so bad. I was feeling even worse when it occurred to me that I was starving her for nothing because her appointment wasn’t even that day.

I emailed my RE yesterday telling him about the girl/boy thing and just giving him a general update on how the pregnancy was going. Part of his response is as follows:

I don’t know if you have heard about this new test for determining gender from The research on it has shown it to be 99% accurate. They send you a package in the mail with a lancet that lets you take a sample of your blood from your fingertip and send it back. You get the results in a few days.

How cool is that? I looked it up. Only $275. I seriously thought about it as I now wonder, is it really a boy or is it a girl? Yes, I know. The u/s picture really is quite explicit and as a friend reminded me, what ELSE could it be? I think I have decided that I can wait the 7 weeks to find out 100%. However, had I known this earlier in my pregnancy, I would have done it for sure.

Not much else new here. Going to an SMC Meeting tomorrow and a friend is coming over to help me move furniture and clear out the baby’s room some more. The dressers and night stand are in and will be delivered next Friday. I got a message this afternoon while at Lucky’s appointment that my crib that was supposed to take 6 –8 weeks is here and they are just waiting on the chair. Things are starting to fall into place!

As for being so tired, a friend reminded me that at this stage the baby is really growing and putting on weight and that makes you very tired. It made me think of the teenage years as they grow and how tired they are all the time. And, it somewhat correlates as I have gained a pound a day for the last 3 days. Yikes! I sure hope all of that isn’t the kid as much as I would rather it not be me just gaining because of not so stellar food choices. Hey, I have to get him out, you know. I want him healthy and all, but not huge. I need to go back and read how quickly the baby and I are supposed to gain about now. The only thing that has kept me from really obsessing over this is that everything I have read said the baby should be about 5 lbs about now. I am resolved to make better food choices than I have. After just one day, I am not feeling quite as tired. Extra motivation!

Again, TGIF! Too bad it isn’t another 3 day weekend. Greedy, aren’t I?

Thursday, July 07, 2005


I’ve just been so tired and drained all week. I think it is a combination of the emotions around the girl boy thing; the increasing summer heat; and work. It was so great having a long weekend with no commitments. I got enough stuff done around here without being crazy busy and was able to get a nap in every day. Being back to work this week has been really hard. I’m almost ready to be on maternity leave and have at least 5 more work weeks to go (7 weeks until EDD). I don’t want to rush things, but… I’m thinking of blocking my calendar for an hour or two about 2 pm PT/5 pm ET for nap/rest. I was so tired last night I fell asleep about 8 pm ish, but woke up every few hours and slept really light. I was up at 3 am for good. That’s more like my ttc sleep habits, not my preg. ones. I thought about getting on the computer, but listened to my hypno-birth cd and took a bath instead.

I think I have told just about everyone I needed to about the girl/boy thing. Just a few more people to call. My cousin emailed my sister’s husband (well, really, my cousin Anna's husband Chris emailed him since they work together) since I didn’t have his email address and they are in Europe visiting his family to give them the news. She called this morning and we had a good laugh. She said, don’t worry, I saved aside a bunch of really cute boy stuff as well that I will send your way. She has really good (and expensive) taste so I am sure that it really is nice. We will swap out the girl vs. boy crib bedding when she comes out for the shower. I’ll have to see it. She said it is red and blue and may not match the green I have in the room. I can’t remember really what it looks like. I may end up having to break down and buy something. The only boy theme I kind of like is an “under the sea” type one, but can’t find anyone that actually sells what I picture in my mind. I hate that.

Hmm. What else? My mind is like mush! Did I mention I am tired? Yes? Hmmm.

Ah yes, boy baby names. Still mulling it over. Pulled back out the baby name book. Not really ready to share ideas yet. Any thoughts? Too funny, people keep trying to suggest boy names that start with A E, to replace Audrey Elizabeth. Have to laugh. Not stuck on the initials, just liked the name.

Also, in case I didn't say so or it didn't come across, I am A-Okay with having a boy instead of a girl. I didn't really have my heart set either way. I just want a live healthy baby. I was just shocked because I just felt I was having a girl and had 3 u/s that confirmed it was a girl. Not upset at all, in fact, I couldn't stop laughing/smiling after I found out. It is just a mind shift, that's all.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Big News

I had my Level 2 u/s today. Baby is growing fine and is 5lbs ? oz. Genetically, everything looks great. The big news is that….it looks like my little girl is really a boy. Holy Cow! I am in shock. I guess I will not be going with butterfly’s and fairies. Oh my. I will have to see if I can post “the picture” that as Dr. D says shows the she is really a he. A boy! Wow!!

It's a boy!

Yikes, I'm NOT a girl!!