Being Grateful

Things are going well here. I settled into bed rest by day 3. Even starting to lose count of the days. Sunday I was a bit crampy on and off for about 12 hours, but the on-call OB said take Terbutaline every 3 hours as needed. This did the trick and by Sunday night the cramping was gone and has not come back.

I was worried about being bored while on BR, but not to fear. Haven't felt bored not once. The help and support I have received has been almost overwhelming at times. One of the things I am truly grateful for is the great, supportive friends that I have who have stopped by the help both a little and a lot. This is one of many reasons I feel blessed right now.

I won't go into all the details and the circumstances, but in a conversation with a good friend of mine I was told that she couldn't believe that I was complaining because my pregnancy has been problem free until now. I should just be grateful that I was pregnant in the first place as she would give anything to be in my place right now pregnant and being told to be on BR. I have been told that I should have had the nursery set up earlier. I have waited too long for the shower. Mostly, how dare I complain?

I must say that “God Bless Them” and I mean this in the most sincere way, from my heart. Most of my friends and support have come from women who are still ttc and/or who have been pregnant once and m/c. They are either "on a break" because they can't take the stress of the process right now or have just had a failed cycle. One of them was here helping while cramping from period of her 5th failed cycle (1st after m/c). I told her she is a better friend than I because I don't think I could have done it. I really don't. I have told her several times that I would completely understand if she needed a break from the friendship and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I have been where she has and it sucked. I couldn't even stand to see or hear about someone else pregnant let alone look at them and help them. And, I am only one of 3 of her friends that are all due within weeks of each other. I can't even imagine how difficult and painful that must be for her.

And, it is hurtful to be told that I am not grateful and I should never complain. It is a slippery slope. I guess I won't be able to complain after the baby is born, assuming of course we both actually make it through the delivery, about being tired or anything else.

I have been surprised that I have slept very well so far each night on BR. I was afraid after lying around all day I wouldn't. I have been up and down and tossing and turning all night with this topic on my mind. I had to get up and search out an old Tertia archive post because she could say it better than I ever could.

http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/10/v_cross.html#comments

Here is my list....

Things I am grateful for:
• That I am pg, I am truly 100% grateful, honored, appreciative
• That I am healthy and in good physical shape
• That I made it to 35w, so far so good
• That I have such terrific helpful friends
• That I have a great bosses and supportive colleagues
• That my dogs are still alive and that Lucky is in remission
• That the ttc journey has introduced me to the most wonderful and diverse set of friends that I KNOW I would never have met unless my journey was so long
• That the ttc process has made me more aware and empathetic of how difficult and emotionally draining can be, but how women can band together to ride the ride together making it just a bit easier than it was.

Things I am not grateful for:
• That the ttc process (mine and others) has made me so jaded and paranoid that I have spent much of my pregnancy worried
• That at 35w I can still doubt I will get a live baby out of this deal
• That I have to spend the day on bed rest for fear of going into labor
• That I have to worry that even if I do this BR thing perfectly, it won't matter
• That I am so in so much pain sometimes from laying around when I am normally so active
• That I am judged by my friend on what I should have or should not have done during the pregnancy and what is left of it.

Tertia said it best. I am only human. I can be grateful and ungrateful at the same time. This holds true with only being pregnant. This will hold true if I really am blessed with a healthy happy baby out of this gig.

I don't need the trimmings. I could care less whether the nursery is done perfect before he gets here. I could care less about the shower. I could care less that the majority of the baby things that were in the garage were dusty and dirty. Me, I just want a healthy, happy baby to hold in my arms.

Having the furniture here and all of the baby paraphernalia out, while very, very helpful and I am glad it is done, is hard for me. Every time I see it, the old worry comes back that, although very unlikely at this point, that this won't have a good outcome. I'll come home from the hospital empty handed after all this and have to look at my hopes and dreams down the drain in the form of a baby swing, a bouncy chair, and a room that, while not complete, looks like a baby's room instead of a spare room. I am not Jewish, but really can relate to the Jewish practice of not having everything set up until after the baby arrives.

I say to my friends still trying, thank you for being my friend and supporting me while I am pregnant. It means more than you can ever know. But, please, don't judge me. I am happy to be where I am, but the journey has been a difficult one. It has scared me and changed me for life in ways (both good and bad) that I could never have imagined along the way. Please don't judge me if I complain a little. Please don't judge me if I sit at the computer too long or don't follow the BR guidelines the way you think I should. Please don't judge me for hoping that my OB releases me from BR in a week or two. Please don't judge me, in the unlikely chance my OB does free me of BR sometime in the near future, for following her advice and not staying on self prescribed BR until term just as a precaution.

Please trust that I will do what "I" think is best for both me and the baby. It may not be what you think is best or what you would do or have done. And, like anything in life, I will have to live with the consequences of any decision I make along the way no matter how big or small it is.

I hope and pray that you will get your turn very soon to move from the ttc path to pregnancy and then to motherhood. We each have had different paths and journeys. Even going through the same process, we will not look at things the same way.

Until you have walked in my shoes and have lived in my body, please don't judge me for what I have or have not done. I am only human. I am doing the best I can knowing that I have to live with each and every decision and choice that I make.

I know that you are only human and are hurting inside because you hold the dream of having a child just as deeply as I do and I am much closer.

It just brings tears to my eyes and I could get myself worked up again that anyone could think I am ungrateful for being where I am at. I'm grateful. Trust me.

Now, if only I get a healthy, happy baby out of this.

Switching gears, since bed rest, I have stopped listening to the doula's hypno birth CD. Possibly, it was working too well. Perhaps, I pictured the baby in the birth position too well. Maybe, I imagined labor and riding through the contractions too well.
Back to bed. Back to rest. Back to sleep?