Tuesday, July 31, 2007


For the record, work is very much a pain in the ass right now. And, it is going to get worse, probably much worse before it gets better....if it gets better. I have some pretty tight time frames I am working under for things that were just given and not meeting them is not an option. So, I'll probably be tired, overworked, and grumpy for the next 6 - 8 weeks. Just thought I would mention it.

Monday, July 30, 2007

More On Max

Forgive me if I once again go on about Max. Not only is he at a particularly cute and fun stage, he is very life affirming and the best thing going on in my life right now. It just seems like there has been so much death and disappointment lately. Within the last week, my brother in law's father lost his battle to cancer; a friend from my youth (known her and her family since I was 4, her mom was my confirmation sponsor) husband died...she found him dead on the floor...they are doing an autopsy...she has three school age kids; an SMC friend...the one who went into preterm labor earlier in the week....delivered her daughter Katharine Eleanor today...she was born with no heartbeat let alone a breath. That's the death. As to the disappointment, well, there is the fact that that I'm still not pregnant and no closer to giving Max a sibling; my friend's A and S who are also struggling to have a second child as well...the three of us have been trying for about the same length of time with no success; my friend H...the one who is battling breast cancer has finished her months and months of chemo and gearing up for months of radiation; We won't even get into work, because that just gets depressing.

So, forgive me if I droan on a bit about Max again. I need to focus on all that is good and pure and fun in my life.

Today, Max's nanny started crying when she told me that her cousin, who has lived with her for 5 years moved out this weekend for a job on the other side of LA. Max put on his "cry" face, went and gave her a big hug and patted her back. I was so proud of him. He didn't know what it was about, but he knew she was sad and hurting. Wow. How did I get so lucky to have him in my life?

This last weekend, I took Shadow into the vet to get one of her labs retested and to see if they can get a urine sample they couldn't get last week. When I told Max we needed to take Shadow to the vet, the doggy doctor, he immediately said..."fish, fish", which caught me by surprise until I remembered that they do, in fact, have this really big fish tank in the office. Max has only been to the vet a few times, the last was when I took City Boy in for his annual check up when my niece was still living here and she went with us. Maybe January? I'm just constantly amazed at how good his memory is. It is kind of scary sometimes.

I'm so glad that I gave him the train table/set for his birthday. He is really enjoying it and loves it even more when I "play" with him with my commentary and sound affects. It is just amazing to see his face light up. He can't quite figure out how to attach the engines to the cars yet and gets frustrated when they fall off the track. Tonight, when one of the cars detached going down the hill, I started laughing and let out a bit "whoa, that was fast" and started laughing. Boy, did his frown turn around. He started smiling, did it again, and started laughing.

A week or so ago, I asked Max to take my hand and "show me" when he started to throw a tantrum and to try to use words to help me understand. Now, he will come up, hold out his hand and say "hand" and lead me (most of the time without actually holding my hand once I get up) to what he wants to show me or wants. Gosh, he is so cute.

Anyway, a quick ttc update. Had an u/s today, I still have 4 follicles, but the lead is at 16 and the others are 10, 8, 8. I have another u/s scheduled for Thursday, but am thinking of changing it to Wednesday. I'm going to ponder it over night. Would have been really nice to have 2 - 3 mature, but I wasn't counting on it or expecting it. Just nice to see the production. I've been thinking the last few days how the process isn't so bad and I can keep going a bit longer, maybe I shouldn't move to DE so quickly. Yet, I know that once I get my next negative, I'll be back saying I can't take it anymore, I need to move on to DE because I just want to be pregnant and have another child the fastest way possible.

Here are some pictures of Max from this evening. Guess which one Max took. :)

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Mr. Anti-social -- NOT

Yesterday, I commented that Max was anti-social and it has been bugging me ever since. I don't really think that Max is anti-social. He is less social than some kids and he is more social in some situations than others. Yes, yesterday, when we were at a party of twin 2 year old boys, he spent more time playing with the sliding screen door than the birthday boys or anyone else for that matter. However, he really wanted to play with their 5 year old brother and his friend and the more rough and dangerous the play, the more he wanted part of it. The older boys took a see-saw plastic rocker into one of the wading pools and Max glommed onto that situation before I could blink. They, of course, wanted nothing to do with him. Yesterday afternoon, he was a less social than normal, but he also hasn't taken a nap 3 out of the last 4 days and the one day he did nap it was short. I knew this was coming when he had 4 hour naps 3 - 4 days last week. It is part of his cycle, be it a growth cycle, teething (he has at least 2 if not 4 new teeth in, hard to tell as he refuses to let me get a good look).

Plus, playing with sliding doors and figuring out how things work is just part of his personality. He has spent countless hours playing with the sliding glass door and screen in my room commenting the other day "rail ro twacks" as he pointed to the track of the door. I was impressed and explained that those were tracks, but sliding glass door tracks, not rail road tracks. He nodded and has called them twacks ever since. I couldn't tell you how many hours he spent playing with the lounge chairs in the back yard figuring how they sit up and down.

Yesterday morning, we went to a park with the dogs before stopping by the train station to catch the 8:15 and 8:35 trains. We have been going to this park since right after Lucky died and I would walk Max in the Bjorn and then the stroller. Max loves this park because it has lots of dogs with nice owners as well as a train that goes through the mountains that can be seen by the park. I got Max out of the car and he took off to the group of people/adults and dogs that have known him since he was a baby. Talking up a storm talking about the trains and the dogs and heaven knows what else in excited chit chat. Completely social and comfortable and sure of himself.

When we were at the train depot, he walked right up to lady and started talking to her about the trains. In the same excited and confident manner. Apparently, he has done this before to her a few weeks ago (she remembered Max/us, but I didn't remember her). He did the same thing to another lady today. A few weeks ago, he did this to a couple, but it was more directed to the man.

When we are at travel town, he will pretty much talk to whoever will listen about the twains. Cho cho. It's coming. Bye, bye cho cho.

Heck, Max was hugging/laying next to Shadow today telling her all about the choo choo twains and the rail ro twacks. I had to smile.

I've been watching Max's behavior pretty closely when out with him for the last few months after the many conversations with his teacher in his gym class and a call from his mommy and me teacher recommending he come to the Tuesday class as well.
I had a really great conversation with his mommy and me teacher that I'm not sure I posted about or just thought about posting about. And, I moved him from the gym class to My Gym. In both cases, he has started doing the blasted circle time that I was so sick of hearing about him not doing...not sick of him not doing, just sick of people worrying about him not doing it when I just didn't think he was ready and he would when he was and he has.

Some of the things I have observed is that Max is more wary and I'll say shy around kids, especially groups of kids or if lots of people are around in a party setting. He does better in smaller groups or if there is only one or two other children around. And, he would rather play up. Given the choice, he would rather play with someone who is older than he is than the same age or younger. In a way, I can't blame him, because other kids can be mean..either on purpose to show off for older kids or inadvertently with younger kids. They want what you want. They take the toy you were playing with. They won't give you the toy you want that they are playing with. Since he doesn't have a sibling, he doesn't have to work that out on a hourly and daily basis. And, when there are lots of kids around, I think it can be a bit overwhelming for him.

I'm not really worried about Max's social skills or lack there of at this point other than trying to decide whether it would be better for him to leave him with Noemi for another year or go to a day care situation where he will get more interaction every day with children his own age. I'm leaning towards and think I have decided (unless I find some really great pre-school that takes kids early that I feel he must attend) to not make a change right now. I was already thinking about that and talking with Max's mommy and me teacher reinforced that for me. Why place him in a situation that could stress him out and cause him to withdraw (and pick up bad habits from the other kids) when I don't need to. He is still so young.

I think he forgets to be shy when excited about something of great interest to him like trains, dogs, and cats...or party balloons. But, otherwise, he would rather watch and observe and take it all in and figure out how things work.

One of my other observations has been that I'm Max's favorite person and he trusts me implicitly. If I'm around, he would rather be with me and have my attention. He's not annoying or demanding of it, although he has picked up somewhere recently "watch me, watch me mommy". Nanna (my mom) is his second favorite person. Noemi currently comes in third. There will be a time all to soon when I'll move down on the ladder. It is inevitable. So, I'm trying to enjoy it and appreciate it while I can.

I get to see the absolute best of Max -- how charming and fun and funny and smart he is. I get to see a side of Max that no one else gets to see. I wasn't counting or hadn't realized that part of motherhood. I just never realized that Max would be so different for me than others until was pointed out. Of course, the flip side is that I also get to see the worst of Max, but the worst is really not that bad. He is a great kid and I'm still in awe of how lucky I am to have him in my life...even on a day when I was so tired I couldn't see straight and he refused to nap.

Anyway, really, I think Max is fine. He's not anti-social. He's a bit shy. I was shy as a child. I turned out okay and I think he will too.

All's good.

You can't make me

My dream of a nap was just that...a dream. No nap for Max. No nap for me. I came coser than he did. Darn. I should have gone to the beach with my friend when she called. I could have taken Nikki to the foster showing event. The only break I typically get all week is during naps on the weekend. No naps for Max means no break for me. I realize how much I need that break, especially when I don't get it.

Updated Bio

One of the things I did last night when not sleeping was draft a new bio for Nikki. The person who is "sponsoring" her and looking for a forever home for Nikki liked it so well, she posted it to the web page with no changes already this morning. Not bad for late night ramblings. Barbara, the sponsor, had mentioned yesterday that she was thinking of re-writing it. As I do with blog entries sometimes, I found myself writing it in my head.

Here it is....

Not only is Nikki man’s best friend, but also woman’s, child’s, cat’s and dog’s. She would be a great addition to any family. She is 10 years young with a heart of gold and very friendly. When she sees a tennis ball, she’ll try to talk you into a short game of keep away with a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face. She walks great on leash -- in a perfect heel on a brisk walk and patient at a slower pace with an older dog and young child. She is housebroken, although hasn’t been trained to use a doggy door. Her fur may be short (now), but she is long on love. She is a great companion. She is happy to take whatever love and attention you can give her or lay near you while you go about your day. If you are a dog loving family ready for a new addition, please email Barbara at babyxxxx@aol.com. Please be sure to include your last name and where you live.

19 minutes and counting to nap time. I'm ready. Max had better be as well, because I am tired. He's already had two no nap days to balance out the extra long ones from last week. I'm ready for stabilization and our regularly scheduled sleeps. Although, he is not the reason I am tired and didn't sleep well last night. Sadly, very rarely (or probably not so sad really) is my lack of sleep a result of Max.

16 minutes until nap. Better go start setting the stage.

Bad Dream

I climbed under this fence to get Max and was arrested. It was some other country. Every time I tried to explain my situation, I was yelled at pushed back and told to wait "my turn". I was sick and Max and I got separated/they would not let us be together. He was still young, but not as young as he is now. I was there huddled on the cermet floor under a bench, by a chain link fence for a long time. Somewhere between 6 months and a year, long enough after the woman supposed to be "doing my processing" had been promoted. Max and I were reunited, but he would never play anymore and kept saying that he was sorry. It was his fault. And, I explained that it wasn't his fault, it was the fault of a woman who was in a position of power and responsibility. I was so upset to be separated from Max and angry that this could happen. As I was waking up, I had chance to "retaliate" to this woman and she was brought back to the states and separated from her family so she could see how it felt. I didn't come up with the idea or the situation, but just agreed to a punishment someone else set up for her. After the exact amount of time I was separated from Max, she was summoned and instead of learning her lesson, she kept arguing and justifying how what she did was fine and I didn't understand and how could I be so cruel. I was supposed to keep banishing her away, but I couldn't do it and she was sent back home. Max and I were just standing there hugging and crying when I woke up. It was awful. Now, I can't shake it and go back to sleep. Thank God it was only a dream. Note to self, no trips to foreign countries with unstable law enforcement and imprisonment.

Max is presumably sleeping peacefully after falling asleep in the car around 6: 30 pm and transferring well from the car to the crib. I'd go check on him and give him a hug, but I would wake him and am sure not ready for him to start the day early just because of my bad dream.

Saturday, July 28, 2007


I'm tired and was headed to bed before quickly checking in on the computer and found out a friend's water broke and has gone into preterm labor at 23 weeks. The details of my day like how Max didn't nap, was Mr. Anti-social at a friends birthday party, how I forgot to take the steps when I took Shadow to the vets for a follow up blood draw today and urine, all seem so trivial in comparison. For some, the road to parenthood can be so easy. For others, no so. My heart hurts for all those who struggle on the road to parenthood by either having trouble conceiving, miscarriage, or pregnancy complications. It can be so hard. Harder than someone who hasn't been through it can even imagine. Typically, there is nothing anyone else can do to really help. No matter how much we would like to.

Friday, July 27, 2007

And, here's your sign...(edited)

I got a lot of things done today, very little of it work that I get paid to do.

You should have seen Max's eyes and face light up when he walked in and saw his train table in the middle of the family room floor. I got a few pictures and tried to do some video, but drat the battery was dead and is now charging. You will have to imagine the sound affects..choo, choo train...CHOO CHOO...railro tracks train. I would only be slightly exaggerating if I said it took up half my family room. I put out a few trains, but am going to save the bulk of them to wrap and give him on his birthday. He has done nothing but play and explore the table since he walked in. I am so, so glad that I splurged and got him this. Now, I just have to make space for it someplace. I ended up getting it today and good thing I did, because I had to take out Max's car seat to get it to fit. Yeah momma!

Notice how he is checking it out from all sides and angles?

I decided to move sperm today as I was down to one vial at the clinic and to go in for an u/s to see what is growing. Today is cd10. I really struggled with whether to go in or not, but thought that waiting until Monday might be too late. So, I called around 10 and made an appointment for early this afternoon, called the sperm bank to see if I could use their tank, called the lady selling me the train to see if I could come today and headed out.

Tell, me, would any of these be a sign that you have been going to your clinic too long?

a) When the medical director sees you added to the schedule, he surprises you by coming in and doing your u/s.
b) You tell him, that you want to trade out his "wand" for one like Harry Potters and when he's in there he should shoot some magic up there because you are tired of dismal results and it can only help.
c) When we agree you need to come back in Monday, he and the nurse tell just to come on in any time and they will fit you in.
d) When you are in visiting with the office manager/financial coordinator and receptionist about your u/s results, they tell you they don't want more money from you they want you pregnant.
e) all of the above.

Very nice visit. Very nice day.

And, you will never believe this. I have a total of 4 follicles -- 3 on the left and 1 on the right. This is a completely unmedicated cycle. When we saw the follicle on the right and I told him that my right ovary has produced a follicle since October 2004, he took a picture of it for me. The right was about 9.5 and likely won't make it. Two of the follicles on the left were 13 and there was a smaller one at 7 something. Can you just believe that? This is the most activity my ovaries have done in years when taking meds back when my body used to somewhat respond to them. My lining wasn't that great at 7 something, but it has a week to catch up so should be fine. So, back on Monday to see how things are progressing and when to trigger. Now, the odds are that the eggs are crap, but still I'm just thrilled with them. Hey, it is more than zero and more than one. Best u/s I have had in forever.

While I was doing all this and playing hooky from work, my boss only called me 3 - 4 times to talk about a salary increase for one of my employees and by the time I got back, he was already gone for the day/week as he is on Eastern time. Sigh. I should have told him I would be out and to call me on my cell, but most of the time no one misses me. Oh well, I updated the tool and will talk to him on Monday. It will be fine.

All worth it. Maybe this is a sign that my luck is about to change? Could this be my magic cycle?

ETA: My son is hilarious. He asked me what every part of the train set was. What's this? That's the train tracks. What's this? That's the bridge. What's this? That's the crane. What's this? That's the windmill and they white part spins. What's this? That's where the trains rest and go night night. And, I just noticed that he put all the trains I put out, including the helicopter in the little building "to bed" ... on their sides so they are lying down...to sleep. LOL. Oh, he does amuse me.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Magic and Fantasy

*** Note: no spoilers here, safe to read if you haven't yet picked up or finished the new Harry Potter book***

I've always liked the idea of magic. Even as a child, I was never a big TV watcher, but Bewitched was my favorite TV show then. Did you know they are doing reruns of it, The Partridge Family, I Dream of Genie, and I think one more of the oldies? I don't remember the station/channel, but I have caught it a few times.

I always wanted to have magical powers. I dreamed of being a witch. I would have loved that.

I read The Hobbit series young and have the box set paper back collection. I have re-read it several times in my life. I was thrilled when they brought it to the big screen. I own all three DVD's and they have been watched a few times each.

I liked Star Wars and have the old videos of them that get re-watched every few years. Although, I don't have the newest one and don't think I have seen it. And, when did that come out? Years ago?

I never did get into Star Trek much. Never was a Trekkie. Don't know why. Just didn't. I guess I'm not much one for obsessions and such.

I have really enjoyed the Harry Potter series. I actually don't own any of the books, but do own all of the DVDs out thus far. Yet, I know that I actually will buy the set at some point in the future and re-read them all. I actually tried to do that before looking to see if the recent book was available from the library, but they are not yet available as a set yet.

Anyway, I finished the book yesterday. There's one part at the end that I have a question about, but it is really a minor detail. The author is a really great story teller with a wonderful imagination. In a way, I'm envious. I would love to have such a mind, a talent if you will, to think up stories like Harry Potter, Bewitched, The Hobbit, Star Wars almost as much as I would love, still today...maybe even more today...to have magical powers.

And, if I did have such powers, the first thing I would is fix the leak in my kitchen sink. Sigh. I just don't want to have to deal with it any other way.

I think one of the reasons I like books in general is because they take you away from reality for a bit into another world. My favorite class in college was this popular fiction class where we had to read something like 10 - 13 books that semester in every genre. It was great. I "had" to read the books...for class...at a time when reading for fiction and pleasure wasn't the norm as I was carrying a full school load and working anywhere from 1 - 3 jobs.

I just love, love, love a good story. A well written and well told story just can't be beat. I think that is why I get so bothered sometimes when Max doesn't seem to be the "reader" or have the interest in books that others do. Yet, I remind myself that he is still so young. There is still time as he gets older. And, by reading myself, for pleasure, I set the best example of all.

I'll make sure the library gets the Harry Potter book back today even though I can have it until Monday so someone else can get the pleasure of reading it.

I know some are really sad that the series is over. I'm not. It is a good story that will always be there to be re-read and re-enjoyed in the future. I hope that is a story that Max and I can enjoy it along with many others when he gets older. I'd love to read it to him one day and have him enjoy it as much as I have. Then, to read it himself at some point just for the pure pleasure of a good, well written and well told story.

I'll dream of magical powers for awhile and wish that I had them. All part of the magic.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Not only is Max still sleeping (Thank you Max, really needed that extra hour this morning), but I want to talk about his birthday present.

Here it is....

Reply to: sale-37xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-21, 9:13AM PDT

Thomas the Tank Engine 3'x4' Train Table with full track glued down with many accessories including matching chair, backpack and more than 35 train cars.

This table has been well loved and is in good condition.

$200 firm. Buyer must pick up train table in xxxxxxxxxx.

Now, I don't actually have possession of it yet, but she did say she would hold it for me. We have a time set on Saturday for me to get it and I have her address and phone number and directions to her house so I think I am set.

I'm so happy. I think this will be perfect and he will love it. I could never afford right now to get all this new for him and actually, I'm much happier it isn't and the tracks and everything are glued. This will make it easier and nicer for both of us.

I've been watching ebay and craigslist for weeks now. I've bid on another set on ebay and inquired on a few other craigslist items that I either never heard back on or were sold. But, actually, I like the one I am getting the absolute best of all the ones I've seen.

I'm so happy she is holding it for me. She told me she had someone coming on Sunday to look and get it if it wasn't sold and she had other emails of people interested. I was so worried it would get sold before I could go, because I can't get there until Saturday. I told her I was very interested and it would be perfect for my sons 2nd birthday and that I just couldn't get there sooner, but would see if I could get a friend who lived closer. And, she said she would hold it, that she liked the idea of it being someones 2nd Birthday present. I'm so happy. This is the second thing I've bought off a craigslist (my bowling ball gaze ball for $5 that I gave her $10 for since she met me halfway) and both sellers have been just so wonderful.

In other news, Max is either dead or still sleeping. I'll go with the latter. While this extra sleep the last few days has been nice, it worries me...only because I know what will happen next. He will go the opposite and wake up extra early and need very little sleep for a few days until it stabilizers out. That is, if the pattern holds.

And, I'm on page 650 out of 759 of the Harry Potter book. Don't want to pick it back up now because the action was good/intense when I put it down last night knowing I just had to get some sleep. When I pick it back up, I want to be able to read and concentrate without interruption on the last but. So, tonight. I should finish it tonight.

Have I mentioned how happy I am about Max's Birthday present? I'll get it Saturday. It is probably an hour away, but was heading that way anyway. Of course, pick up time is in the middle of Max's nap. Ugh. But, as much as I try to avoid disruption to his schedule, I just can't always. And, he will likely be in his need less sleep part of the pattern. Getting this for him will make it worth it.

Okay, I think I hear Max stirring.

I think he will love his birthday present too!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Catchup and Pear Juice

Catchup and Pear Juice. MMMMMM MMMMMMM. Yes, that is what Max ate for breakfast today. No, this is not, exactly, what he was served, it is just what he ate from that which he was served. Okay, to be fair, I think he also ate 3 slices of pare before just drinking the juice and asking for more.

The scene....

I open the fridge to pull out stuff for Max's breakfast. I was going from something quick and simple since I stayed up late reading...you know...Harry Potter. As soon as the fridge door opened. Max climbed in and pulled out the bottle of catchup and took it to the table. I made him a plate of turkey and tortilla and cream cheese with a side bowl of pares. He added the catchup (with a little help).

Oh well, I decided early on that I wasn't going to have food battles with Max. All I can do is serve him well balanced meals most of the time, what he chooses to eat he chooses to eat.

But, I did have to laugh at the combination...yuck....both from a taste perspective for breakfast and as lots of catchup and juice ended up all over him. He was using his fingers to eat the catchup and drinking from the bowl (good practice, he doesn't quite have it mastered yet, but is getting better) so some ended up down his front and on his legs.

I ate some crab pasta salad that I made last night from a recipe from a party I attended this weekend. Yum Yum. Way better than catchup and pear juice for breakfast.

So, what did you eat for breakfast?

Monday, July 23, 2007


Careful. That's what Max said this evening as he jumped off the rocking chair in his room and hurled himself at me as I was reading him a book before bed. Thank goodness, I turned to look over my shoulder at why he said that and was able to turn a bit so he landed over my shoulder and I could catch him. The good news is that he has been much more interested in books before bed. I think he has finally figured out what a good stall tactic that is to delay bedtime a bit and he hasn't been as tired before bed as he slept an hour late today and took another 4 hour nap. Can anyone say growth spurt?

This is the same boy who a bit earlier called "mommy" to get my attention, looked me straight in the eye and burped with a smile on his face and when I reminded him he should say excuse me when he burps just laughed.

During a boring work meeting today, on a whim, I did a search on the new Harry Potter book in the Los Angeles Public Library and they had a copy at a branch near me. Actually, they had 4 copies available when I looked and were down to one by the time the meeting ended when I called to double check availability. But, they were able to hold it for me and I rushed out. So, I have less than 7 days to get the book read and returned since it is so in demand. If I'm not around, you will no where I am spending my free time.

And, remember, ....careful. Ha ha. Yes, he has heard that word quite a bit in fact.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Hypothetical Questions

Quess who was playing with the camera?

I think he may have some talent. Don't you think the pictures are a bit "artsy"?

Do you think Nikki is starting to feel comfortable here?

This is where I found Nikki this morning when we came home from a whirl wind tour around the city.

Do you think these are signs your weekend was too busy?

1) On Sunday afternoon, you take a 2 hour nap and your son takes a 4 hour one (and counting).

2) A friend you haven't seen much of lately comes over with her kids to swim and you aren't here to see them. Note: She knew we wouldn't be here as we had previous plans, but they were at loose ends and it was a hot day. And, hey, someone to visit, entertain the dogs.

Do you think we have been to Travel Town too much lately? ...when the Engineer upon boarding today says, "So, you just can't stay away from this place?" as he recognizes us. We were there yesterday for a planned trip with a neighbor and stopped by on the way home to stretch our legs while we were on the way back from taking Nana to the airport and going to visit a friend who is in the hospital. Yes, Max continues to love the place!!! I'm sure we have many more visits in our future.

Friday, July 20, 2007


I've been fostering Nikki for a little over a week now. Things are going well and Shadow seems to have perked up a bit with her around. I was asked to take a few pictures of her and do a little write up.

Here it is....

Nikki is a 10 year old lady with a few groans and a bit of arthritis, but very friendly and easy going. She does great with other dogs, young children, and cats. She’s a natural born flirt and sparkles/shines with male (human) attention. She walks nicely on leash and very patient when walking with a slower 16 year old dog and a young 2 year old boy, but is also happy with a brisk stroll. When she sees a tennis ball, she’ll try to talk you into a short game of fetch/keep away with a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face. She’s housebroken, but doesn’t seem to have been trained to use a doggy door. She’s a great companion. She’s happy to take whatever love and attention you can give her or lay near you while you go about your day.

Note: The towels and stuff are all over the floor because Shadow can't walk without slipping on the tile anymore. So, we live with towels and such all over so she can get around.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

45 minutes

That is how much time my dad, his second wife, and their son (my half brother who is around 12 years old, I think) graced us with their presences today. Apparently, in 15 days while they are here, that is the only amount of time they could squeeze us in...while they were on the way back from spending the day with my youngest sister at the beach (who pitched a fit last time they came into town a few years ago when they only had time for a cup of coffee with her) on their way back to her sisters where they are staying. Of course, they were supposed to be here around 6 pm at the latest and didn't get here until right before Max's bedtime. It felt like such a duty visit, an obligation, that I wish they wouldn't have even bothered. I actually would have let Max stay up a bit later to spend time with them and he was pretty wound up by then with visitors so late. Max was actually very charming and well behaved with very good listening skills while they were here. Even though I told Max who they were, he doesn't really understand yet. Still it was hard when I was explaining that they had to go bye-bye and he said, no, and pointed to the chair for them to sit back down. I guess I am supposed to be honored that they gave us any time (they have actually come into town and not told us or tried to see us at all, because you know, her family is much more important). They spent most of the time telling me how busy they were and all. It just left me feeling sad and emotional.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

cd1, again

And, so begins another cycle. I'm fine, really. Sad, yes. But, fine.

Max's nanny is bugging the heck out of me lately. And, I don't think it is just me being in a bad mood or more critical. For example, she came late on Monday, in her husbands car, without Max's car seat, didn't want to drive my car, and was upset that I didn't have time to move the car seat from my car (and neither of us trust her to install it properly herself). She let Max cry in his crib for over 10 minutes when he woke up early for his nap, until I stopped working and went to get him, while she sat at the table doing nothing. Yes, there are a lot of other things that bug me, that are little and I will own or don't matter in the whole scheme of things, but these are things I don't need right now.

I have checked out a few more pre-schools. So far, not in love with any of them. Like pieces here and there, but nothing enough that I'm ready to enroll Max or commit.

Work is busy and basically sucks right now. I can't get into details.

Then, there is the whole fertility thing or lack of fertlility.

Life is not horrible.

I have a wonderful son. My fountain in the backyard is working and I have been able to sit and relax in my backyard admiring the fruits of my labor and the beautiful flowers. I have a job.

I feel really good about being a foster home for the Golden Retriver rescue, but that is hard in away as well. I purposly didn't agree didn't want to take in labs because both Lucky and Shadow were/are part labs and I figured that would have been too hard. Yet, I have found taking in any dog a bit hard. It still makes me miss Lucky more than I thought. And, I find it incredibly hard to understand how families can turn in their dogs as sweet as the two I have fostered. I just don't get it. Nikki has almost been here a week now. She and Shadow are doing little jockeying for alpha dog status. Nikki will take Shadow's bed when she gets up. Shadow will do the same. Nikki will try to block Shadow from getting to me by laying in the middle of the hall so she can't get past. Little subtle things, nothing bad, just kind of funny. I had to take Nikki in to get a microchip ID tag yesterday. She was so nervous. Okay, most dogs tend to get nervous going to a vets, but Nikki was so happy she wasn't left there and got to come home with me again. I hope they find a really great family for her soon as it will be hard not to get too attached.

I have plenty of things to do. A stack of bills and paperwork that has been at least a month, maybe longer, that I need to tackle. I need to get in my application for the rebates from my laptop. I need to make an dentist appointment for Max and make a Vet appointment for Shadow. Things like that. And, I'm so not motivated.

Anyway, my plan for the month is to go in for an u/s if/when I feel a follicle around cd13 or so and trigger/do an IUI. No stims for me this month. No labs.

I'm down to one vial at the clinic so need to move sperm this month which is a pain, but must be done.

I've looked at a few egg donor databases and decided that to finance a DE cycle I will likely refinance, but haven't yet/am not ready yet to take actual action. I'm getting closer, but not ready yet. Maz is now 23 months. I weaned him at 7 months and started trying at 8 months. I guess that is only 15 months of trying. It feels so much longer. I'm tired. I want another baby already. I guess I should say I want another child. All trace of babyhood is completely gone in Max. He is a baby no more.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Officially negative, again....

Not unexpected, but still sad/disappointing. I'm not having a good day on so many levels.

Friday, July 13, 2007


I know I said I was going to take a Tylenol PM and a warm bath and then head to bed. I did both, but made a quick phone call to a friend to tell her about a show that I saw last night in the middle of the night when I was up not sleeping because I thought she would like it. She had seen it and did like it. In the course of the conversation, we started talking about something I needed to pick up before next weekend and how I would likely need to do it on Sunday morning and miss church again because that was really going to be the only time. Which got us on the the subject of naps and the topic about which I need to vent.

She asked me why I just didn't take Max and let him sleep in the stroller. I explained because Max wouldn't sleep in the stroller. She went on to tell me how her sister used to do it all the time with her daughter and it worked out fine; how her daughter just got used to it. I tried to explain that was great and probably worked because of her neices temperment and before I could finish my point she cut in and started to say how she wasn't critizizing me or my parenting. I responded that I didn't feel critizized, but I just didn't agree with what she was saying and she cut in and said I got to go and hung up on me.

I have to say, it really upset me and pissed me off. I'm fine with her having her point of view and probably would have thought the same thing before I had Max if I ever even gave it a thought which I don't think I did. I really didn't feel critizized. I'm upset because she got so upset and angry that she hung up without me getting to finish my point and the reasons I felt the way did.

No maybe, probably, I should of just shut up and let her think I was agreeing with her instead of telling her I disagreed, but you know...I just didn't feel like it. I don't agree with her. I do think that some kids do just fine with this approach and can either not nap or nap where ever they are. And, I think that some kids, like mine, can't and won't. If I took Max out every day, he would not get used to it and sleep. He would just get overtired and I would have more behavior problems and tantrums and more sleepless nights (because of Max as opposed to sleepless nights for other reasons). I've done reading and research on this. He is my child and I think I know him best. I have tried it the other way on occassion when I have had to for some reason and while travelling and have seen the consequences which is why I am so firm about a regular nap and a regular bedtime. I never thought I would be this way, but I am because my child needs this. Give me some credit for knowing and understanding my situation and my son. I am not her sister and Max is not her niece. It is really great that her sister was able to do this. I'm happy for her. It just would not work for Max and I. There is no doubt in my mind. None.

I would have told her this had she let me finish and not hung up on me.

And the reason I should have just let it go and let it go is that she and I met years ago during the cycle I got pregnant with Max. We were going to the same clinic and had the same RE and moved our sperm on the same day. We were on the exact same protocol. I was cancelled for no response, converted to IUI and got pregregnat with Max. She overstimed, got OHSS, needed to be hospitalized, and didn't and hasn't gotten pregnant. She would desperatly love a child and is planning to start trying again in the fall with her boyfriend. I should have let it go.

Okay, vent over. Must run. Max just woke up screaming and my laptop is almost out of battery power so must post before I loose this.


I'm in pain here folks. I have a pinched nerve or pulled muscle in my right shoulder/neck for the last few days. My chiropractor is out this week. Went to see my acu and she worked on me. Still not feeling that great. She gave me a lecture, after I told her I took some Tylenol last night (because I haven't been sleeping the last two nights because of this) about how I should be putting toxins like this into my body during a 2ww. You know what, I'm going to do it again in a few minutes. I can barely move my neck and arm. I'm sure being on the computer for the last hour or so hasn't helped. Ugh! I hate this. Going to take a Tylenol PM (which Dr. N has told me is just fine to take in a 2ww) and then a warm bath which kind of sucks since it is so warm out to see if I can make it bearable enough to sleep. Just wanted to complain for a minute.

ps. All the gardening and work that probably contributed to this situation was worth the pain. Sitting out in my back yard while typing this and just really enjoying the fruits of my labor. And, I think I fixed the leak/crack in my foutain. I'll need to check it tomorrow mornign to make sure, but it all looks pretty good tonight.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


Work wasn't so bad today. I attended a few meetings and got through most of my email and that was about it.

Kristen, my first foster, was adopted today. She is going to a really great family that will love her and give her all the attention she needs. I'm so happy for her.

I got a new foster dog Nikki (sp?). I'd post a picture of her, but I don't have one and am too tired to take one and of load it to the computer right now. She's older (estimated about 10) and was found on a construction sight, but is well (and recently) groomed, well fed, and probably well taken care of since she isn't as needy as Kristen was. They think she is just lost or someone was watching her while her family is on vacation and are going to try to find her owners first before trying to adopt her out.

Max seemed to like and be happier with the younger, more energetic Kristen. I'm not feeling as overwhelmed with the older Nikki. While yesterday I was thinking no way could I take on another dog. Today, it seems much more manageable if it is the right dog. I'm not adopting another dog soon. Really. I swear. I think Shadow likes Nikki a bit better too. Shadow has/is laying closer to Nikki and interacting more with Nikki it appears. Shadow even came outside with us (I'm typing this at my new patio table looking at my new garden contemplating filling up my fountain with water to see if I sealed the cracks) and is laying right with us (and City Boy just joined us on the table). Anyway, two days into my fostering and on to my second dog. Still really glad I'm doing this.

I don't actually have a copy of them yet, but I got my lab results from Monday back verbally today. My progesterone was over 18 at 7 dpo. It was never that high with Max even when I got released from the RE to the OB. I don't have a 7 dpo number to compare since I never got a 7 dpo P4 in the cycle that resulted in Max. I only did it this time because I wanted to get the liver and kidney test since I was taking the Metformin. I was told that those test came back fine, but no details. However, my insulin was back up to the original number. Dr. Q wanted me to keep taking both the Avandia and the Metformin. I told the nurse coordinator, who was giving me the results, that it had gone down on the Avandia alone quite a bit and is now back up. We agreed that I would stop the Metformin for a month or two and retest to see if goes back down. Now, I did stop the dex, but likely that wouldn't affect it she said. Now, I didn't ask, but I had to wonder what a pregnancy could do to insulin levels. Dr. N told me once that pregnancy really affects and messes up cholesterol levels. Maybe it could do the same thing for insulin? This is where I reminded myself that I'm not going there and that this cycle is a bust. Yet, I am feeling crampy and tired and truth be told just a tad nauseous, especially when picking up all that extra dog poop. Ha, it's probably just hunger since I haven't eaten dinner yet.

You know what's funny and I realized today. I don't like dog poop in my yard. And, I most often don't have any. I walk the dogs twice a day and they poop on the walk. I pick it up and throw it out. These new dogs and Kristen's new brother (who was a poop machine while he was here) are not on board with this. Sigh.

Anyway, one more work day left in the week. Two more days till my party. Four more days until beta.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Back to Work

Sadly, my vacation is officially over and I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm tired. Physically and in a good way. I got so much done. Basically everything I wanted to in the yard/gardening. I did several things with Max and spent more time with him during the day. I was able to hang out with him during his lunch and putting him down for his nap before heading out for errands and spending more time with him in the late afternoon.

I got my first K9 foster dog today as planned and spent the afternoon giving her a bath and all the pets flea and tick treatments and her some extra TLC. Max absolutely adores her. She was here when he woke up from his nap and he got giddy excited and "played" with her all afternoon, even offered her some of his precious "la la juice" (Orange) that he rarely gets. But, it reinforced my decision that I'm not ready to add another pet to the family right now. I'm very happy to foster and feel really good about being able to help, but not ready to take on a full commitment. Her name is Kristen. Yes, I thought it was OTI (which I thought was a bit odd, but hey), but it turns out that OTI stands for owner turn it...lol..looks like a whole new lingo I need to learn. I'm only suppose to have Kristen for a day or two. A family is supposed to come by tomorrow afternoon to meet her and possibly adopt her. If not, the person who "rescued" Kristen said she has 3 other families interested in her.

Anyway, I barely got to sit down and relax on this vacation. I was hoping for a few hours here and there, but that didn't really happen. I'm fine with that. I feel like I made good use and got so much accomplished that I am proud of myself and what I have done.

Now, I have two days of work to catch up on. Then, I'm hosting a party on Saturday afternoon. Then, hopefully a day of rest with no big plans. And, then, life gets back to the normal routine. Whatever that is.

Yeah, yeah, I know I have said this before, but given the choice and money not being an issue, I would so be a stay at home mom in a second. I wish every day and every week could be a vacation day. I really do (mostly) like my job, but...even as much as I accomplished this last week, there is more I could do and just regular life stuff. Back to work and "reality" tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Travel Town Pics

Here us a photobook of our trip to Travel Town last Saturday where Max had his first train ride. Sadly, there are no photo's of that or the train itself, only of Max climbing on a "open" train where he ate lunch and against the fence waiting for the train to come again.

Foster Momma

Looks like I am going to be a foster momma for the first time tomorrow for Oti. I'm only supposed to have her for a few days. She is being turned in by one family tomorrow and the new family is supposed to adopt her on Thursday or Friday. I had my home visit on Saturday and was approved to be a foster home for dogs from the Golden Retriever Club of Greater Los Angeles Rescue and I already have a placement. With a dog, a cat, a kid, and working from home full time, I seem to be a very good foster home for these dogs as they make the transition. I'm looking forward to it.

Monday, July 09, 2007

7 dpo

Today is 7 dpo and if implantation had occured, assuming there was anything to implant, it would be complete by now. I had blood drawn today for progesterone, some kidney and liver blood tests for the metformin I'm on, and I added a fasting insulin test just to see how things are going.

The funny thing is I went out to lunch today with a friend who was running late and ordered and drank 2/3's of a glass of sangria before I remembered I was in a 2ww, then decided to finish it off anyway. I also sat in a 95 degree jucuzzi yesterday with Max at a pool party.

Taking the anti-2ww to far? Ha, no way this last cycle worked.

Vacation has been going well. Just busy with home and gardening projects, social engagments, and Max. Two more days. Yeah. Took a break from gardening this morning due to errands and attend Max's music class which was nice. Then, went and bought another $100 worth of plants to get in the ground between now and Wednesday.

I'm proud of myself for building a new table top for my glass patio table that broke in the winds earlier in the year. I just didn't want to spend $300 to get the glass replaced (spent that on plants the last week) so I got some particle board, spray paint, and polyurithane cut it out with a jig saw. It looks pretty good for what I need except for the whole in the center which is slightly off. But, I bought a chissle today that I hope will fix it without damaging.

In addition the the music class today, I went to Max's MYGYM class on Friday. We went to the train depot on Saturday morning and had a grand time seing 3 trains go in and out. Sunday, we couldn't get motivated for church, but did so to go to Travel Town for the first time and Max had is first train ride. He absoultly loved it and didn't want to leave. He was in awe and quite during the train ride and when we walked around the big, real trains. Then, he started yelling "choo choo twain" to everyone he saw or "Cho cho twain. It's coming." when he heard the wistle with giddy excitment. It was so darn cute. We will be going back again soon.

Other than that, I'm amazed at how many rude people there are -- mom's, older children, and drivers. I don't really see that much working in my home office all the time. Thank goodness.

And, after not returning my phone calls, not coming by when he said he would, and such, the owner of the company who took out my trees came by so I could show him the sloppy work of his crew. They will be back tomorrow morning with him to take care of things. Whew, what a relief, because I was getting seriously angry about the situation. I'll spare you the most of the details, but still lots of roots, a whole in my stucco, reparing a PVC sprinkler line but not putting in a sprinkler head so no water getting to my grass and flowers, etc. Stuff I didn't notice right away.

Anyway, just haven't been on the computer much, kind of taking a break from that as well this vacation. All and all, things are going well and I'm glad I took this week, but didn't go away or make huge plans. My little plans have kept me busy enough.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy July 4th

Other than my current splitting headache which is likely weather/dehydration related and missing my dog Lucky who hated 4th of July and all of its fireworks and loud popping noises with a nervous passion, today may have been the perfect day. It was fairly low key with just the right amount of busy mixed in with a trip to the nursery for me and a trip to the train depot for Max in the morning and a visit from Nanna that included swimming, backyard play with the hose, and dinner out in the afternoon. Max is in his crib (late), the house is picked up, the dishwasher ready to run, and I'm ready to cuddle in with a good book. I couldn't have asked for a better day. And, it is my first day of vacation. I'm looking forward to tomorrow with a morning of gardening and a late lunch with a girlfriend with Friday's plans the same except with a different friend. Perfect.

Monday, July 02, 2007

The Anti-2ww

Way back in the beginning of my ttc efforts, I used to get a rush during and right after an IUI. After all, it could happen this time. I would envision the swimmers and egg meeting up like in the Look Who’s Talking movie. I would calculate about when conception would occur, if it was going to happen. I’d keep in mind the little embryo as it made its slow journey down the fallopian tubes towards a nice soft implantation.

How long ago that now seems and how far I have come.

After the IUI this morning while waiting there for the swimmers to settle in and start their race, all I wanted to do is get up and leave and/or cry. The receptionist was in by the time I left and wanted to know why I wasn’t my chipper self, but still I held the tears back as I explained that I was pissed because of my bodies response that was giving me every indication that it was time to give up and I still wasn’t ready yet. I managed to hold the tears back until I was walking away from the clinic down the hall and I heard one of them say “Poor Debbie”. Great, now I have the pity of the staff on top of everything else.

This cycle has so little chance of working that I am considering it a failure early and moving on. If it does happen to work, it will be even more of a miracle that my cycle that resulted in Max. I’ll still start progesterone in a few days for the minuet chance it did work since the chance is above zero, but mentally I’m moving on.

I’m not just being hormonal and pessimistic here. There are reasons and what I would consider good reasons to feel like the cycle in the crapper, so to speak.

Top 3 Reasons for an Anti-2ww
1) My eggs are old and crappy on the best of cycles with low Inhibin B, elevated Insulin, and such not helping matters. The odds of this month producing the good egg is even reduced from an already low probability with having after being on stims for 5 days with zero response and then getting a follicle.
2) The follicle had already ovulated, again, at the time of IUI this morning. This really f’ing pisses me off and blows to hell my working theory that I just missed my surge the last few months. No way would I have surged yet. The follicle was only 15 last Thursday. Assuming a growth of 2 per day which is typical for me, it would have been about 19 Saturday night at trigger and about 23 at ovulation. Four IUI’s ago, I was ovulating at time of insemination. The last 3 IUI’s, I had already ovulated prior to IUI, but I felt like it was probably close and that I may have missed my surge since I let the follicles get so big. No way that happened in this case. Now, I’m just pissed because it is just another sign that my body is screwed up and I should just give up my ttc efforts. It is another problem. It is not normal to ovulate, consistently, prior to 36 hours after trigger. It is a new pattern. I don’t understand it and I don’t like it, but I can tell you that it isn’t good news.
3) The IUI didn’t go well. The RE had a hard time with the insemination. They use a syringe that is inserted directly into the uterus that is held open via a specula like is used for a pap smear. The “plunger” didn’t work. He had to take it out and reinsert it. I have been spotting and cramping ever since. Spotting enough to stain my panties (as opposed to just being on TP when you wipe) and cramping enough to take an Advil (which is a “banned” pain killer while ttc) and that still barely reduced the cramping. I have done lots and lots and lots of IUI’s. I’d count them up, but am depressed enough right now. And, I’ve only had this happen on 1 IUI, my third, the one I talked Dr. N into doing earlier than he recommended after my myomectomy. Thus, I can only surmise that my body was not ready even though I had ovulated, possibly because the follicle was either not an egg producing one or it was not mature enough. Either way, trust me when I say it is again, not a good sign and further reduces the already terrible odds.

Don’t mind me, I’m just feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good with the cramping. Blah. So, I guess I am “technically” in a 2ww, but no way did this cycle work. I’ll take my p4 and get my blood draws, but there is no doubt in my mind that this was just a wasted vial of sperm and effort this month.