Monday, October 26, 2009


Max had teacher in-service one day last week. I had to work, but took some time to run him to McD's for a special lunch, do a puzzle with him, let him play in my office for a bit when I didn't have meetings. When I asked him what he enjoyed most about the day...."playing with my brother and sister".

Life is more than 2 or 3 times busy and stressful, especially in this economy, but I never ever regret having the twins/more kids. I knew to my core that Max and I both needed more. That is confirmed all the time in big and small ways.

"Beep Beep" is R's favorite and clearest word. He is an imp that one. Oh my, rules and boundaries...physical or verbal...are clearly just there to be tested in his mind.

R can mimic almost any word you say to him although he isn't really talking too much and many of his words aren't all that clear unless you know him and the context.

R oozes charm to go with his defiance. He will pitch a fit at the slightest if he thinks it will help him get his way, but equally or more often he will smile and flirt to do so. He has started saying "momma" and when I turn to look at him and make eye contact, make kisses with his mouth. Oh, my...(not to label or anything)...but, this one is trouble.

N is very observant. She sees the stuff that gets R attention or just plain looks fun and copies. Thinks like pitching a fit because her milk isn't there soon enough, pitching her water off the highchair tray for know...all the things you wouldn't want copied.

N isn't yet walking solo, but she is darn darn close. She's just missing some balance. She'sactually frustrated and wants you to walk with her all around the house so she doesn't have to crawl. She is able to walk a push toy all around the pool in the back (with some help adjusting the toy around the corners since she really only has straight) which is like a race track around here and that her brothers do with free abandonment. She was so proud. Her grin and squeal when she is proud is just amazing.

N isn't yet talking, but her sign language is amazing. She makes noises and is very verbal, just no real words. The therapist say that language is tied to walking, which I didn't know and had never heard, and that it is rare that a child will start talking before they walk. I'm really not worried cause she may be delayed, but when she gets there...she perfects fast.

We got inoculated with the N1H1 on Saturday. LA County was having "clinics" so we went on what was supposed to be on the way back to the pumpkin patch. We never made it to the pumpkin patch. The line was incredible and it took 2.5 hours total. This could have been worse in so many ways. My cousin was in town so she dropped us off to get in line then went to park. Since there was another adult and a 12 year old helper and the "clinic" was at a large park with a big gym...we could take the kids off to play and trade off. Glad it's done. Not looking forward to having to do another round next month for the booster, but my cousin says she'll come back again.

It's really nice having my cousin within such a short drive.

Because I knew about the county vacination clinic I was able to pass it on to a few other people who needed it, which made me happy.

I taught Max a new potty word....defecate...deification. He was thrilled. He says he is going to share it will all this preschool potty word loving friends. I figured I may as well increase the caliber of the words since stopping them altogether just isn't in the cards. Although he tries to be funny, is getting the fact that in public and when there is company are not appropriate.

The picture is from the church/elementary school carnival. Max loved it. R tolerated it (because he had to be in the stroller instead of running wild). N hated it. Pretty much par for the course.

Over the weekend, we took a walk around the block. Max and N rode. R walked. He couldn't believe his good fortune. He was happy, happy kid. He made for the street twice. Not sure how much he really understand sometimes, but think more than I realize. Each time, I told him NO and that if he went to the street he would be put in the stroller for the rest of the walk. Although uncharacteristic of him, he didn't push it. He was not about to give up some of this new found freedom.

We are traveling for the first time next weekend as a family to go my cousins way for Halloween. I'm both looking forward to it and exhausted just thinking about it.

It is going to be a busy week capped off by our first trip instead of a quiet weekend at home. Yikes!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

What have I done?

Santa is getting the twins this play kitchen, a shopping cart, and various food and pantry items. The kitchen and cart need assembly. Where, how, and when I am going to do this assembly and where I shall store said assembled items is a mystery. Box of un-assembled kitchen arrived today. Box had big picture of product inside. Max was home due to teacher in service. Thank goodness I saw it before he did and hid it in the garage for now. He IS smart enough that if he sees it now or before the big day around here and then it comes from Santa he will question it. He's only 4 and loves, loves, loves him some Christmas. He likes Halloween because it means Christmas is closer. He likes Thanksgiving because you get to see family, Christmas is even closer and we put up our tree and decorations around then. A few weeks ago when we were outside, he looked at the chimney and asked about Santa's ability to get down it and reminded me that we need to move the gate and toys from in front of the fireplace before Christmas. Tonight, he wanted to read The Night Before Christmas and played with his Christmas Tree Train that his Nanna got him last year that never got put away because come has two of his favorite things. A Christmas Tree. A Train. Other than throwing in a full conversation or song or nothing but "potty words", it doesn't get any better in the eyes of my eldest. Anyway, not quite sure how I am going to pull this off. The pressure is on.

Santa does not yet know what she is going to get Max. She has a few ideas.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


My nanny annoys me. Some days more than others. Today is a more day. Definitely a more day.

I'm sure I annoy her too.

As tempting as it is to find someone new, I trust her with the kids. They are attached. Plus, someone else would just annoy me as well. In different things ways probably.

I do count the time until the twins are in preschool and I don't need someone.

I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't need to work. I dreamed about being independently wealthy on not needing to work last night.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Had a big scare today and not of the Halloween variety even though it did happen at the Pumpkin Patch/Fall Harvest Festival and a (relatively local) farm. Let me start by saying everyone is physically fine, but Max and I will have some emotional scars for awhile. Even with 2 sets of helping hands in my cousin and her 13 year old daughter, we lost Max. He was there one second and gone the next. My cousin had the presence of mind to find a worker and they handled the whole situation very well. T, my cousin, says that the one worker got another worker who radioed the front and back and got the word out fast. My recollection is a bit hazy as I was loosing the battle of remaining calm. We were in a play area waiting for my cousin to get a drink and I bent down to get the camera and he was gone. He says he didn't see us and thought we had left him so he went back to where we had just been listening to the music. Then, he got scared and went and told someone his name and that he couldn't find his mom. They in turn got a worker and were headed back with him to we were as they got the word. We were both in tears and shared lots of hugs and kisses for awhile. He was lost probably at least 5 minutes, but no more than 10. If felt like an entire lifetime. There are few times in my life I have been that shaken and I know that was the scariest time in his life.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Milestones and Due Diligence

We hit a pretty big milestone over the weekend. I took all three kids, solo, out to dinner. It went suprisingly well. Granted, the restaurant was only McD's, but Max was quick to point out how well it went, that he had been a very good listener, and wanted to ensure that we could do it again. For good measure, he made sure to let me know the next day how much he enjoyed his dinner the night before. We've had some really low key PJ weekends the last few weeks. Max literally didn't get out of his PJ's, even for the dinner out walk/event. The extra good news about this that it means he and his bed were dry. We go through phases about that, but overall staying dry at night is happening more and more often. Anyway, with everyone just feeling tired and a bit sickly, we just chilled out. My mom didn't even come on Saturday like she normally would since she was feeling sick with a nasty cold/cough. It was nice to just hang out and bond as a family with nothing that really had to get done and no where we really had to go. This weekend, my cousin will be making the drive so we will have company and we are equally looking forward to that.

One of the big things I've been pondering lately is whether to send Max to kindergarten next year or keep him a year. I have not yet made a final decision, but am leaning towards putting him in the early 5's class at his preschool instead. Talking with his teachers this week in parent/teacher conference, that would be their recommendation....if I want to send him to the elementary associated with the church we attend (or haven't attended lately) and the preschool. The main reason would be fine motor skills and lack there of. The secondary and maybe of equal importance has to do with general maturity and the desire to do things his way/ability to listen and follow instructions. It's not that he can't listen and follow directions or do a task in question. It is whether he will choose to at any given moment without question or debate. In a preschool setting, it is no issue or problem. With the high demands of kindergarten and the high standards of the elementary school in question, it may be an issue. Part of the teachers comments makes me sad because it has to do with loosing some of his independence and individuality. An example given is that he likes to wear two different shoes. Another factor is that if I do send him, he will be the youngest and a full year younger than at least some, if not the majority, of his peers. If i don't go/stay private, it would be the wrong decision. If I do, I think it will be the right. So, I need to do my due diligence two fold. I need to go visit the school, again, and talk to the principle and get a better feel for a few big questions I have. And, I need to go visit and talk to a few charter schools in the area to compare. Our local elementary school is not an option. The other thing I really need to do is take a long hard look at finances to see if and how I can commit to this. My common thinking is that it could work because what I pay in nanny fee's should be more or equal to what tuition would be for all three kids. Money has been tight. Really tight. And, I'm thinking about cutting Noemi's hours again cause things are just not adding up on the expense vs. income columns. Things just keep up like the fact that I'm now $500 poorer as of yesterday because the master toilet tank just decided to crack open in grand style flooding my bathroom and room. Yes, the new toilet is nice and all, but the other toilet was fine and mostly did his job.

Why am I up in the middle of the night not sleeping? No good reason. The third time this week actually. I'm tired. I'm still coughing and fighting the end of this lingering cold. But, I'm waking up and just can't get back to sleep. Sucks. Once woke up because of a bad/strange dream. The other times, like tonight, no reason to wake up. Maybe a kid cried out once that woke me, but no other sounds. Just silence. All is as it should be, except it is prime sleep time and I'm awake.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Rain Play

We've had rain the last few days. Not sure how much, but a fair amount for here and this time a year. I've gotten disapproving looks from the nanny, but have let the kids go out and play and get wet and dirty after dinner. My mom was here tonight and she made some comment about not believing, especially since we are on the tail ends...still...of colds, that I'd let them out. I reminded her that colds don't come from being cold and wet, they come from germs. Then, she saw the joy and fun they had. Especially after being inside and sterile all day. Although like when it is too hot or smoky from fires, I have brought in the big climbing slides and swing. And, we brought in a push toy. N is getting good at them and think she will join the ranks of solo walking soon. Anyway, I digress. I often wonder at the disapproving looks and criticism. It is not as if they will melt in the rain. It's not really cold, just wet. N just held her hand up and laughed at the rain. The all loved splashing in the water puddles. N had a wild wet ride on the horse. Max and R and I had some nice games of chase. And, they all loved the warm bath, snuggly PJ's, and milk after the outdoor fun. We get rain so rarely around here, I'm glad that they are getting a chance to feel and experience it. Yes, I know not for everyone, but we've enjoyed it here. Fresh air, outside time, even or especially wet (since it is a bit of a novelty) does the body and heart good, in my not so humble opinion.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Helicopter (and other ramblings)

Have you ever heard the term Helicopter mom? I never have until recently and now I've heard it a lot. So, either I've been completely oblivious, which is entirely possible. Or, it is a relatively new term.

I'm not a helicopter mom, by they way. I'm not negligent either. I just give the kids lots of room to practice and grow and develop. And, I firmly believe in natural consequences.

R, I think, is probably going to be the most athletic of my kids. He's got balance and coordination and energy and drive. We will see how that plays out with his asthma and lung issues. We had just weaned off breathing treatments and ramped back up due to the next round of sickness. He doesn't let a little thing like not being able to catch a breath or breath fully slow him down. Although, he is sitting better and quite calmly and quietly for treatments these days. He's quite fond of the TV and only gets to watch during treatment time.

N, is not so steady, but getting better all the time. She's so proud of herself. I have some pictures of last weekend with the proud look I need to post. Anyway, when she was first getting started, I was right there to show her how to turn around and go feet first to come down, to make sure she didn't loose her balance, or get pushed off by her brother. But, she has it now. She's more cautious. She is slower to pick things up and reach milestones than R, but she watches both of her brothers and when she has a few minutes of peace and quiet to herself she practices. But, when she gets it, she gets it and becomes proficient fast.

It's amazing having twins and control subjects with each other. R's behavior so typical of "boy" behavior and N's so typical of "girls". N can spend a good 10 minutes or so multiple times per day trying to fasten the buckles on a stroller or highchair. Her fine motor skills are amazing compared to either of the boys actually. R probably barely sees the straps and I don't think it would ever occur to him to actually try to fasten the torture restraint that keeps him from go go going.

N, of all my kids, needs time to herself to explore and check things out. Now and always, I need to carve out little times for her just for some alone time for herself. R, can not stand to be alone. From the very beginning, the moment he was brought home from the hospital. He needs someone else there. Don't even think if leaving him in a room by himself while you take N in the other room for something. Oh my word, the hysterics. The PT was telling me once that she was working with N in the twins room (often it works best and need to have them seperated during sessions because R just is too jealous and wants all the toys and attention) and Noemi went to the bathroom. This was before R was mobile (and I was doing a project with Max's class at the time so not home). R pitched such a fit that she ran out there thinking something major was going on. As soon as he saw her he was all smiles and happy. This is not atypical. Now that I think about it, R got almost all the drama for the family.

Anyway, speaking of the PT, that brings me to main point...she's a helicopter type. :) Don't get me wrong, I love her. She was briefly Max's PT for a few sessions because he was a toe walker. About the third session, she looks him in the eye and said "Max, stop walking on your toes." He did and that was the end of PT for Max. Anyway, we really clicked and she had said if I ever need any PT for the twins (was pregnant at the time Max was released) to request her. I took her up on the offer and it has worked well. But, it does make me laugh because she is so worried about them falling or getting hurt and that is part of being a kid and learning to climb and walk. She's told me about a friend of hers who was all upset because her (I think it was 5) year old had fallen and gotten his first bruise because she was so cautious and hovering and protective. I'm sorry. I don't even think that is healthy.

How do you ever get the proud look, that confidence, that self esteem if the child never gets a chance to try?

I understand the term and what it means to be a helicopter mom and read about a couple in some doctor's office magazine about a couple who was headed towards divorce because she was helicopter (actually used that term) and he overcompensated in the other direction.

I guess I don't understand the fear or the motivator for the behavior...the hover behavior. What are you trying to protect them from? The safety one I guess. To my philosophy (and I know we all have our own that works for us and our families..or not) it does more harm than good for a social and psychological perspective. We all have failures and falls and frustrations and disappointments in life. To me, my job isn't to prevent the failures and the falls and disappointments. It's to teach them how to deal with them. "Oh R, it sounds like you are frustrated because you can't push the toy over the rock (or through the chair or whatever), it may help if you pick it up or back it up a bit and go around". If I "fix" it every time, how does he learn to fix it for himself. Don't get me wrong. I'll show him. I'll help. But the saying holds true typically small kids small problems. Big kids, big problems. I want to teach them with the small stuff when the consequences are small.

Anyway, even I no longer remember the point. I need more sleep. I'm headed there now. The rythme was interrupted by Max who awoke coughing and crying with yet another nose bleed. He got the first one last month and had two or three then. He got one yesterday at school, one last night, one before bath tonight and one just a bit ago. Usually, he handles it quite well, being tired and woken from the cough and the blood had him a bit overwrought. He's calm and back to sleep hopefully for the night and without a bloody sheet/pillow mess to greet me at some awful hour or in the morning. I was left to try to regather my thoughts and am further rather than closer to sleep time myself.

Oh, and in the proud category. I got very little sleep last night. My own fault, the kids were all fine and slept through with no problems or pee accidents. And, I'm not feeling so hot myself, but today was the next possible 'be kind to yourself and get out and walk day'. I didn't want to. I didn't feel like it. I did it anyway. I'm proud of me. To me, working out every day at the same basic time is much easier. It is a habit and you can do it by rote without even thinking about it. Trying to fit it in when and how you can, feels much harder to me. Like making the commitment each and every time.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009


The other night I was reading The Hungry Caterpillar, by Eric Carle to the kids before bed. It hadn't come up in the book rotation in a year or so. I don't remember reading it since the twins were born. I was reading the page where it talks about how the caterpillar wasn't hungry anymore and he wasn't a little caterpillar any more, he was a big fat caterpillar. Max asked me what fat meant. I told him. Something like to be really big, round and pump. He asked me if I was fat. Ouch! I replied that yes, most people would consider me fat. I thought of myself as comfortable.* As only a little child could, he innocently replies that he didn't think I was fat. And, we moved on.

It made me a tad sad, because who wants to be thought about as fat. I've spent a lot of years coming to terms with my weight and who I am. I'm more sad about the prejudice and judgments...unfairly and incorrectly in my not so humble opinion...towards fat people. I'm tired of people assuming that fat people are lazy, eat poorly, don't exercise, etc. and so forth.

I'm not lazy. I'm not as productive and efficient as I was pre-kids, but I challenge anyone to do and accomplish what I typically do in any one given day.

By and large, I don't eat poorly. I'm not perfect, but I eat better and more balanced than at least 75% of everyone I know. I rarely eat fast food. I cook relatively healthy well balanced meals...not every night, but the majority. Those nights I don't "cook" I still serve well balanced meals. In the nanny compliance department, after years and years and years of correction and coaching, I still have to be more specific and repeat about basic nutrition to Noemi. They are served a vegetable, a protein, a starch, and usually a fruit with every meal. They don't have to eat it, but I do want them to get used to what it looks like to have well balanced meals.

Over the last year, year and a half, I have exercised the least ever in my life. I can feel the difference. Exercise improves how I feel. It doesn't significantly affect my size or weight. As I have stated many times, I miss most my early morning hikes from my pre-kid days. But, I wouldn't trade these days for those. Having the kids are worth it. I believe it is hard for most moms of young kids to get regular exercise. These days and this time is already going fast enough. I'm not going to wish it away. I'm just going to do the best I can.

I've thought and felt and discussed for awhile that for me and those in my family, that there is a big genetic component and there is a tie to hormones. My mom was never successful in loosing weight until the last 5 years or so as she aged. I eat now pretty much the same as I did when I was pregnant, after birth, during breastfeeding/pumping. Actually, I probably eat less and better now, yet struggle more. I have felt unheard by the medical profession and the doctors who causually mention the "weight". Actually, I tune it out at this point. I would like to trade bodies with them for a day, a week, a month and then have them dish out the same assvice.

I'm fed up with the assvice. I've come to love me for who I am no matter what size I am or what other people think about me and the size I am or am not.

All that to say, after a comment today on a random on my randoms post the other day, I found and watched the rest of that PBS obesity show I fell asleep to the other night. I saw/heard chapters 6 and 7. They were worth watching again. I watched the entire show tonight via the web, link below. I have to say. ... Finally, I feel heard. Finally, other people saying what I have felt and said. Finally, other people feeling like I feel. There is a line towards the end that says something like we need to get past blaming the individual and getting past our fat phobias and let the scientists research and come up with answers. It is a complex issue that if it were easy to solve would be solved already. AMEN! AMEN!

Another comment from the show that resonated was that health care professionals need to eat a bit of humble pie and try to better understand the issues and their complexities rather than just assuming the patient is a dumb, lazy asshole would would rather die than improve their lifestyle. Okay, so the humble pie part was there, I extrapolated a bit on the patient assumptions. I think all doctors and health care professionals should be mandated to watch this and do some targeted reading/study as part of their on-going learning/resertification. And, to Dr. B and other fat phoepic jerks with their high horse superiourity, up yours. Open your mind. Treat your patient, not your ego or your misguided opinions.

I want to live in a society that respects all people regardless of their color, religion (or lack there of), or their size. I want Max to understand what people mean by fat and skinny, but most importantly, I want him and the twins to grow up to realize that each and everyone of us are different. Short and tall. Black or white or brown. As they grow, I don't want them to be embarrassed by my size or just my size. I'm sure I will give plenty of other ammunition. I can't control any of that really. I can guide. I can coach. Most importantly, I can be happy with who I am. All of me. After all, at this point, there is just more of me to love. Don't get me wrong. I'd be happy with a little less. But, I don't have time (3 - 5 hours/day) to do the needed exercise or do more than what I am currently doing. I'm doing the best I can. I do better and more than most (and not as good and less that others).

I am who I am. I'm fat. I'm not proud of it. I don't mean to advocate that it is healthier or a desired state. I'm saying that people are dealt the cards they are dealt and given the choice, people need to be happy with the skin their in.

I am who I am. I'm fat. It is a part of who I am. It is not who I am.

Skinny people of the world who dare to judge others for not being as skinny as themselves or the "ideal". Fuck off. Don't even try to offer assvice on something you have no understanding and no first hand knowledge. When life is so much harder, do you think we would choose to live fat if their were reasonably and successful alternatives? Oh, right, we just need to have more self worth, end our addiction and emotional bond to food, excerize more, eat less and make better choices. If it were only so easy, it would be done.

PBS - FAT: What no one is telling you

* We use the word comfortable a lot around here. For example, when cuddling or hugging..."you're so comfortable" or "this is so comfortable" or "this is nice and comfortable". Or, are those pants, shoes, underwear too tight or comfortable.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Action this weekend

Crane your neck if interested, as apparently, I had the camera sideways. N, not being bothered. R, walking. Max giving R a ride. And, if you listen really close, R with his cute...."bye"...finally. Then, R running over his sister and Max wanting my slippers and smelling "diet coke". The day before it was mint. The day after he was home with a fever.


I wish I could find the remote control for the TV. It's been missing since Saturday. I've looked everywhere. Noemi looked today. I looked N straight in the eye and asked her. She smiled at me and held out her hand for me to hold. I asked R and he toddled off and came back with the grey DVD/VCR remote. I thanked him and asked him if now he would find the black TV one. He shrugged and walked off. I called my mom who lives 30 minutes away, but who was here Saturday and actually the last to use/touch/see the remote thinking maybe it got put in one of her bags. I've said a quick ditty to St. Christoper, patron saint of lost articles.

Max was home sick today. Fever. He layed in my bed all morning watching TV. Then, perked up good as new for the afternoon. He reminded me of the time last year when he had the fever and the mud movers (can you say hallusinations?) came and if I remembered it. I assured him I did, but was surprised he remembered. That kid has a memory on him.

Max's favorite expressing is "poop on your butt". He wrote (I scribed) and illustrated a book on poo and another on pee the other weekend. Very interesting and crazy stuff in that book. He's so proud of it that we took it in to show his teachers (who both read it and showed interest and laughed at the appropriate times). He's asked me to read it to him and his brother and sister many times.

Max has decided that he is only going to say potty words on preschool days and has pretty much stuck to that. Today, although he didn't go was a preschool day so he was going to use them. Yes, he does use them at preschool, but not when the teachers are around the hear him...he says with a smile.

R. What can I say about R? He has things rough trying to keep up and catch up and get the attention of his older brother while at the same time making sure his sister isn't playing with some toy he wants right at that moment. He's (another) smart one. Last weekend, we were out back and Max was riding a bike around the "track" around the pool and R was pushing a push toy and chasing him. After a few times of that, he realized he couldn't keep up...and at first I thought maybe it was coincidental, but watched and realized that no, it was he would wait near the narrow part of the track. When he would see Max coming he'd start running, cut Max off, and turn and laugh and run in front of him to be chased. This weekend, he changed that game to just sitting down in the middle of the path so Max has to stop. That's just an example. He is a mischievous imp he is.

N. What can I say about N? She's been practicing her climbing and is so proud of herself. Her face just lights up with her smile and joy. She gives me long suffering looks when her brothers take away or push her off whatever toy she has that looks interesting. I've thought about and even interviewed once or twice, but after all the drama, she doesn't want it anymore. She just wants to get out of the path of the crazies to reduce the chance of getting hurt at their expense.

I also can't find the calendar. The one that hangs on the wall with appointments on it. Which is why I forgot the twins had a high risk follow up at the NICU this afternoon which I couldn't have made anyway due to Max's illness. It is also why I forgot that Noemi has a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and I have two very important meetings schedule. One I'm leading and one I'm going to attempt to listen to on mute while simultaneously feeding 3 kids and getting one off t o school. The other I'm going to pray the nap gods are with me and the twins actually sleep when and how they normally do.

Several more things are broken around here. I can't remember them all. One is the outside fridge where I store the extra gallons of milk to prevent so many trips to the store. Since the sink, nothing has been fixed. However, the sink is still not leaking again. I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. It has been such a problem.

A blog I read pointed to a horoscope type thing which indicates that while things have been tight financially, they should start easing up. Oh, please. Pretty please. Maybe someone will want to publish my children's book. Not the poo and pee one. The balloon one. It is quite good if I do say so myself.

I was watching/listening to this really interesting program last night on this PBS channel I didn't know that I had. It was about a second "brain" /processing center in your gut and how gastric bypass has been so successful, not because of the bypass, but because the nerves in the gut processing center have been cut through. It talked about things I have mentioned to so many doc's for myself about how it seems to be hormonal for me and tied to some IBS when not pregnant or lactating. Unfortunately, I fell asleep during it so now must search it out at some point in the future and see if I can record it...if and when I ever find my remote.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Hurt me so good

I decided yesterday morning that something, anything needed to be done. I've been slowly working back in things for me like a well woman, a physical, taking time to read a library book after the kids are down and to get me off the computer. But, I could hardly stand how I've been feeling, how blah I've been. How helpless to make a change or try to take on one more thing or put on one more ounce of pressure.

One of the things I've missed most about being a parent is my morning hikes with the dogs. I was actually able to keep this up for most of Max's first year before Lucky died and Shadow just didn't want to do it anymore without her friend. But, no way no how do I have the time for that right now. From the time I get up until I put the kids to bed, life is a sprint. Instead of leaving the house at 6:30 am to hike, I'm sitting down to work. Three nights a week I have a meeting that starts at 7:30 pm that lasts from 30 - 90 minutes and the nanny leaves at 5. On the nights I'm not working, I'm housebound and just too tired to make myself/motivate myself/even think about doing a home work out.

I went through my entire day evaluating for any time that I could carve out even a short amount of time for a walk around the neighborhood and from there my mind jumped to maybe walking even once around this park near Max's preschool that I used to go to with the dogs after I dropped of Max. It is a big park with a .6 mile walking path around with slight hills. I met several of my closest friends at that park pre-kids. My heart misses the nature. My body misses the endorphins.

I decided that maybe a few days a week I could take a detour for a power walk before home. No way could I do it every day as I can barely get Max to school between meetings. But, some days, maybe I could. Even if it is just one or two laps. And, I did it. Two days in a row. Not much. Just two laps around 30 minutes. Ran into an old acquaintance that i hadn't seen since before i was pregnant with the twins this morning. I so didn't feel like going today as that "not much" yesterday had me huffing and puffing and stiff and sore, but I turned left to the park instead of right home and just did it. Giving myself permission to do just one leisurely lap instead of two high powered ones if I just went knowing if I just went I'd go for it. And, I did.

Sadly, I am stiff enough after 2 days that I can barely walk tonight. But, I'm glad I've start it. I'm glad I've made the commitment to do what I can when I can and let the rest go. I haven't looked at all of next week, but think on average that I can probably at least work in 30 minutes 3 times a week which is better than nothing and oh so good for my soul. I can't commit to every day. I can't commit a longer time as I'm robbing peter to pay paul time wise to make it happen rationalizing that I will be a better more focused employee and a healthier happier mom.

I had thought I'd have to wait until the kids were older. I so miss having a dog, especially these last few days, but I'm still going to hold off as hard as it is for me to motivate myself to walk just for me instead of "the dogs". The time is still not right for a new k9 friend.

It's not much, but it's huge. It feels huge and it feels good....even if I can barely walk upon first standing at the moment.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Wondering, Thinking, and Being Annoyed

I've been wondering if I'm mildly depressed. I'm just so tired and just don't have the energy for anything extra. Then, I remind myself of my schedule and that I have valid reasons for being tired and not having energy.

I've been thinking about the fact that one of my children is annoying me and getting on my last nerve. Interestingly enough, it is my second child, my second born son, the middle one by two whole minutes and I've always heard and read and observed that the child in the same birth order as you is the one that tends to be the most like you and triggers more of a reaction. It's nothing major, just a lot of whining, being competitive and pushy with his siblings. He's a screamer and will throw a tantrum just because ...although he didn't want the swing until you put his sister in it, he does now that she's swinging. He's an instigator. He can get both Max and N going, just because. It is not just me that notices this...the early intervention specialist and the PT have as well and we've discussed it.

I've been thinking about how having twins, at least for me, is very different in how I handle things...especially sleep disturbances and crying in the night. My twins seem to be able to sleep through their sib screaming, but if I walk in the room...they are both up and wanting attention and to be soothed, especially more recently as they get more competitive with each other.

I've been finding our family time on the weekends both more enjoyable, easier, much needed and isolating. I'm not getting the joy and social aspects that I have in the past through work, which is a whole other depressing story. And, although it is easier to pick up the kids and go run an errand or quick trip to the store if needed, we haven't even made it to church recently because it is just too hard solo because I can't contain them the entire time and with a 3:1 ratio it is just too crazy even in a contained "cry" room space. I've been reminding myself that this part is just a phase and to enjoy the time and stage and next year it will be easier. Then, I hope and pray that I'm not deluding myself and that next year it does in fact get easier. I can't wait to be able to get up and go more.

I've been finding things, in general annoying, and coaching myself to just let it go. Things like my resentment at my neighbors for throwing a party a few weekends ago with a live band that caused me to get no sleep that night. Things like the fact that someone couldn't follow the rules when our street was being resurfaced, and while a pain and even though barricaded couldn't just wait, drove on it anyway so that instead of a nice new surface you see tire marks ruining it. Every day, I've been getting annoyed. Every day, I tell myself to let it go. Let it go. I continue to find it annoying at the number of people who can not drive in their own lane as I take Max to and fro school on a mildly curvy road and that try to side swipe me on a regular basis.

While I am overall happy with our nanny and trust her and so happy I have not had to worry about some of the situations I have heard others, I find her annoying as well. After 4 years, you'd think I'd learn to live with the fact that she is not capable of organizing toys or putting the dishes away so that you can open and close the drawers/cupboards or zipping up a zippy so the cereal/crackers/whatever don't go stale. Now, especially with the OT and the PT being on vacation for two weeks at the same time and she is taking the kids to the park and out a bit more, that SHE NEEDS TO BE BACK IN TIME FOR THEM TO PROPERLY NAP and getting back at 1:05 or 1:10 when they go down at 1 is not acceptable because they still need fresh diapers and bottle (or rather sippy cup because we are done with bottles as of a few weekends ago) and they don't have time to unwind and you miss "the window" and then they don't nap. Fine for her, but then I need to hear them fuss in their crib while I try to work in the afternoon while she sits at the table and takes a much needed rest/lunch break. Then, she leaves and I'm left with tired crabby kids on my own who don't sleep well that night and I get less time because I have to put them to bed even earlier and the time I do get is crap because they are too tired to function. We have had this problem on and off since Max was little and she just doesn't get it. And, the truth is, at this point, I don't care if she gets it or not, she just needs to comply. I'll be happy when I don't need the help anymore.

Not only do I feel like my life is in a bit of a rut right now, I've felt like our dinners and what we eat have been so as well so I've gathered up a few recipes and been trying to do a better job of variety. Last night was Baked Ziti. Earlier in the week we had Tater Tot casserole and this chicken broccoli roll dish. I have a few more new ones to work in. I'm not taking it personal that Max is basically not eating dinner right now as the twins and I are enjoying the new tastes and changes.

All and all, I've just been saving my happy and time and energy for the kids and feeling down about work and lonely and sad I'm so out of touch with pretty much all of my friends right now because I just don't have it in my to be a friend right now and hoping and knowing that they are just as caught up in their own lives right now as well.