Tuesday, October 06, 2009


The other night I was reading The Hungry Caterpillar, by Eric Carle to the kids before bed. It hadn't come up in the book rotation in a year or so. I don't remember reading it since the twins were born. I was reading the page where it talks about how the caterpillar wasn't hungry anymore and he wasn't a little caterpillar any more, he was a big fat caterpillar. Max asked me what fat meant. I told him. Something like to be really big, round and pump. He asked me if I was fat. Ouch! I replied that yes, most people would consider me fat. I thought of myself as comfortable.* As only a little child could, he innocently replies that he didn't think I was fat. And, we moved on.

It made me a tad sad, because who wants to be thought about as fat. I've spent a lot of years coming to terms with my weight and who I am. I'm more sad about the prejudice and judgments...unfairly and incorrectly in my not so humble opinion...towards fat people. I'm tired of people assuming that fat people are lazy, eat poorly, don't exercise, etc. and so forth.

I'm not lazy. I'm not as productive and efficient as I was pre-kids, but I challenge anyone to do and accomplish what I typically do in any one given day.

By and large, I don't eat poorly. I'm not perfect, but I eat better and more balanced than at least 75% of everyone I know. I rarely eat fast food. I cook relatively healthy well balanced meals...not every night, but the majority. Those nights I don't "cook" I still serve well balanced meals. In the nanny compliance department, after years and years and years of correction and coaching, I still have to be more specific and repeat about basic nutrition to Noemi. They are served a vegetable, a protein, a starch, and usually a fruit with every meal. They don't have to eat it, but I do want them to get used to what it looks like to have well balanced meals.

Over the last year, year and a half, I have exercised the least ever in my life. I can feel the difference. Exercise improves how I feel. It doesn't significantly affect my size or weight. As I have stated many times, I miss most my early morning hikes from my pre-kid days. But, I wouldn't trade these days for those. Having the kids are worth it. I believe it is hard for most moms of young kids to get regular exercise. These days and this time is already going fast enough. I'm not going to wish it away. I'm just going to do the best I can.

I've thought and felt and discussed for awhile that for me and those in my family, that there is a big genetic component and there is a tie to hormones. My mom was never successful in loosing weight until the last 5 years or so as she aged. I eat now pretty much the same as I did when I was pregnant, after birth, during breastfeeding/pumping. Actually, I probably eat less and better now, yet struggle more. I have felt unheard by the medical profession and the doctors who causually mention the "weight". Actually, I tune it out at this point. I would like to trade bodies with them for a day, a week, a month and then have them dish out the same assvice.

I'm fed up with the assvice. I've come to love me for who I am no matter what size I am or what other people think about me and the size I am or am not.

All that to say, after a comment today on a random on my randoms post the other day, I found and watched the rest of that PBS obesity show I fell asleep to the other night. I saw/heard chapters 6 and 7. They were worth watching again. I watched the entire show tonight via the web, link below. I have to say. ... Finally, I feel heard. Finally, other people saying what I have felt and said. Finally, other people feeling like I feel. There is a line towards the end that says something like we need to get past blaming the individual and getting past our fat phobias and let the scientists research and come up with answers. It is a complex issue that if it were easy to solve would be solved already. AMEN! AMEN!

Another comment from the show that resonated was that health care professionals need to eat a bit of humble pie and try to better understand the issues and their complexities rather than just assuming the patient is a dumb, lazy asshole would would rather die than improve their lifestyle. Okay, so the humble pie part was there, I extrapolated a bit on the patient assumptions. I think all doctors and health care professionals should be mandated to watch this and do some targeted reading/study as part of their on-going learning/resertification. And, to Dr. B and other fat phoepic jerks with their high horse superiourity, up yours. Open your mind. Treat your patient, not your ego or your misguided opinions.

I want to live in a society that respects all people regardless of their color, religion (or lack there of), or their size. I want Max to understand what people mean by fat and skinny, but most importantly, I want him and the twins to grow up to realize that each and everyone of us are different. Short and tall. Black or white or brown. As they grow, I don't want them to be embarrassed by my size or just my size. I'm sure I will give plenty of other ammunition. I can't control any of that really. I can guide. I can coach. Most importantly, I can be happy with who I am. All of me. After all, at this point, there is just more of me to love. Don't get me wrong. I'd be happy with a little less. But, I don't have time (3 - 5 hours/day) to do the needed exercise or do more than what I am currently doing. I'm doing the best I can. I do better and more than most (and not as good and less that others).

I am who I am. I'm fat. I'm not proud of it. I don't mean to advocate that it is healthier or a desired state. I'm saying that people are dealt the cards they are dealt and given the choice, people need to be happy with the skin their in.

I am who I am. I'm fat. It is a part of who I am. It is not who I am.

Skinny people of the world who dare to judge others for not being as skinny as themselves or the "ideal". Fuck off. Don't even try to offer assvice on something you have no understanding and no first hand knowledge. When life is so much harder, do you think we would choose to live fat if their were reasonably and successful alternatives? Oh, right, we just need to have more self worth, end our addiction and emotional bond to food, excerize more, eat less and make better choices. If it were only so easy, it would be done.

PBS - FAT: What no one is telling you

* We use the word comfortable a lot around here. For example, when cuddling or hugging..."you're so comfortable" or "this is so comfortable" or "this is nice and comfortable". Or, are those pants, shoes, underwear too tight or comfortable.



I totally agree! Inside every fat person is a skinny person dying to come out! The personality is the same...we are all the same on the inside, why should fat people be treated so differently. I've had the "fat" conversation with my kids, too. I hope they are able to see what inside and be proud of what's on the outside, too.

honesty556 said...

I love your blog I just stumbled upon it doing a search of single moms by choice. I have been obese the majority of my life. I joined food addicts anonymous and maintained a 100 pound weight loss. The beautiful thing about it, is it is free. It is actually big in California. Your children are beautiful I love the red hair.