Angels and Blessings

Sometimes I think about angels and blessings and how things end up working out. For example, when my cousin came this summer. She was an angel and it was blessing and I don't know how I would have done it this summer without her. In college, my Aunt (who happens to be my cousin T, who came out this summer, mom...and my Godmother) randomly sent me some money with instructions that I needed to do something fun with it. She only did it that one time, and it came at a time when I really, really, really needed some extra cash for some expenses. It was like a God send. A friend who calls at just the right time so that you can laugh or cry and share.

Today, Max and I headed to the snow. I was getting a bit worried that it might have all melted and the place where I was headed and told was the place to go only had snow on private property. I asked someone and he pointed me further up the hill to the very top. When I got to what was the peak, there was a closed campground gated for the winter, but there was a hill and snow so I stopped and got out and got Max and I ready. Just as we were about to head down the hill, another family with 4 kids pulled up and got out. The youngest was three. I had borrowed a sled, a disk, and a snow tube from a neighbor and a friend. Since we were only using one, I pulled the others out so the other family could use them since they didn't have anything with them. We all just had a good ole time in the snow together for the next 90+ minutes taking turns and helping the kids up and down the hill. It was much more fun for Max to have other kids there and much easier for me because the other mom and I often just stayed at the top helping the kids get on the gear and the dad stayed at the bottom, "caught" the kids, and helped the little ones back up. They had more fun because I had equipment and we had more fun and more help. I just love win-wins. And, in the believe it or not, it is a small world..they live two blocks from Max's preschool. Anyway, we did end up having a good time. No pictures because it was a bit too slippery and I needed to stay in the moment. But, it got me thinking once again about angels and blessings and how things end up working out sometimes.

I really hadn't taken Max to the snow and it was one of the things I have been wanting to do and the timing didn't work for anyone else to go with, but was the only day I really could do it this vacation. And, Max did not want to get his pictures taken. He covered his face and refused to take one with me on Christmas and Christmas eve, but I really wanted to get updated family pictures before I went back to work and for the holiday's. You noticed how happy and smiling he was on the photos? Yes? I did what any good mom would do, bribery...incentive...oh, you want to go to the snow? Then, I need good cooperation and a good listener. Hey it worked and I needed and wanted to pay out.

N, the one I can usually count on to sleep through, was up more than she was asleep last night and screaming her head off last night. That girl sure has a pair of lungs on her that one. Not much sleep for either of us, then with the snow trip, I'm wiped. But, in spite of the hard nights, the more difficult, and the harder parts of parenting, I feel so blessed.

Angels and Blessings. Sometimes, you can see them in the more ordinary ways and places, like a random Tuesday, the last of the year.

The Funnies

In Septia

In Color

Guess what we did today?

Champagne Taste

I used to drink alcohol on a regular basis before I had Max, mostly red wine. I have this really nice wine fridge in my living room full (or half full) of really nice and somewhat expensive wine. They will probably be bad once I get around to drinking them, especially since Max plays with the buttons and you never really know what temperature it has been set at and for how long. Once I had Max, I really lost my taste for it. Plus, I could never drink more than a glass, then the rest of the bottle went to waste and I was dumping most of a $30 bottle down the drain which just pained me. Plus, with lack of sleep, never knowing how much and for how long you would be getting woken up, and the 24x7 nature of being a mom, I just haven't really had anything to drink in years. Tonight, I had a taste for some champagne and I figured I could have a glass, my mom (who is staying over tonight) would have a glass and we could cork it (with a special champagne cork I have after that one night when I lived in SF and had a cork blow off in my face spraying me and my entire kitchen, oh, haven't thought about that time in awhile, what a funny memory) and finish it off on New Years Eve (of which I celebrate with the East Coast) so as not to waste it. All that to say, I didn't stop at that one glass and am feeling pleasantly relaxed at the moment. I really can't remember the last time. I think I'm going to go with it. And, really need to start pumping soon. We will see if and how the twins react to this in the morning.

Oh, and I didn't pop the really good bottle I had in there because it was too warm because a certain 3 year old had fiddled with things again without me noticing so I am only drinking an average bottle, which is tasting just fine. I added in a warm bath with relaxing bath salts and I'm feeling just fine. Enough said.

Christmas Night

Hard to believe another Christmas has come and gone. Hard to believe I am a mom of three. I feel so blessed this Christmas..this year. I got my Christmas wish earlier this year when my family became complete with the birth of the twins. Sure, it is tough sometimes, but all good. Hey, tonight I managed to give all three kids a bath and get them down in relative calms. We had a nice day, a nice holiday. We did church last night, then had some family over and opened family gifts. Today, we just hung out and relaxed and snacked. Max and I never got out of our PJ's. We opened the last gift around 12:30 pm.

Christmas Eve

Max played Santa. He would take the presents to the North Pole (my room), then bring them back in to either open or pass out to be opened. He is a funny one that one. Getting a good picture of him this year was hard because if he knew you were taking a picture, he covered his face with his hands and declared he didn't want his picture taken. Not sure where he got that one from.

Christmas Day

Max checking out his gift from Santa holding a piece of N's gift from Santa which he likes and played with almost as much as he did his own.

Vacation Update (with pics)

After the difficult start, our vacation has been going along fine. Yes, with an active three year old, there are behavioral issues here and there, but mostly Max is just pushing to the limit and not crossing the line. I'm sure it helps (and by design) I've had something planned every few days that he really wants to do as incentive to being a good listener and adequate behavior. We took the Christmas train to the north pole to see Santa over the weekend. It was Max's first Santa visit and he loved it. Probably, he loved the fact that a train ride was involved even more. Monday, he and I ran a slew of errands to get ready for the holiday and today we headed to Santa Barbara to the zoo and beach. Again, I think seeing the animals and the beach were fine side dishes, but he got to ride the zoo train twice. Oh, what a thrill for a train enamored three year old boy. I'm solo with the kids for the next 2 days. Well, my mom and my sister are coming tomorrow mid day and staying over for Christmas so that will be nice. I'm ready, stress free, and hoping for a half decent night sleep for the holidays. The last few nights have been a blur, but I know there were a lot of wakings and each kid was up at least once with 2 out of the three up at least twice. Either way, I've got a Honey Baked Ham dinner with some easy appetizers and veggies to heat and everything else is ready, ready, ready. I'm looking forward to the holiday and Max is looking forward to Santa. This year he really seem to get it. When we were running errands, he kept looking at all the houses and saying which one has a chimney and which didn't. Last week, we spent a good amount of time for several days (even out in the rain) in the back yard staring and pondering our chimney. He amazed me when he asked what happens if there is a fire in the fireplace. The kid is always thinking. He's always coming up with things like that. Anyway, I'm sure I'm rambling at this point so over and out for the duration. Merry Christmas for those who celebrate and Happy Holidays for those that don't.

Not a good start

Today was the first day of our vacation - Max from school and me from work. We had a really, really rough start after a rough evening last night and broken sleep. I can take the hyper no listening, we are going straight to bed no bath no tv no nothing thing of last night. I can handle the being woken at 1 am crying and disoriented because Max was sleeping on the top bunk with Nana on the bottom bunk. I can handle being woken by R in the gosh awful 4 am hour. I can even handle the Max waking up when I climbed back in bed and not going back to sleep. What put me over the edge was the deliberate pee'ing all over my bed while I was pumping thing and then laughing and thinking it was funny. I was not amused and I was not laughing. I was furious and he knew it. He continued to try to joke his way out of it and then blame it on being an accident, like I wasn't right there. At first, I think he was only sorry because he was afraid he wouldn't get to go to his school Christmas party this morning. I made him help by taking the sheets to the washer and then witness me taking the duvet to the dry cleaners and explaining that I now had to spend money on that instead of rolls (a current favorite food), or candy, or toys, or presents. Although, it took me an hour or so to get over it, I promiced I would not dwell on it all day as what was done was done. He knew I was angry. He knew why I was angry. I told him no matter how angry I got, I would always love him. It was dropped and we moved on until tonight at bedtime, when he told me he was sorry he pee pee'd on my bed and he would never do it again. As I told him, it wasn't so much that he pee'd on my bed as much as it was deliberate and done because he was trying to be funny and get attention, when something like that isn't funny. It would have been different if it was an accident, but it wasn't and we both knew it. Lesson learned. This whole parenting and dicipline thing can be a pain more times than not, but oh so important. Max pushes things to the limit and tests all the time, but usually will get his act together before he crosses the line. Both last night and this morning, he made bad choices and didn't like the conciquences. Tonight went much better. I hope the rough start to the vacation was just an anomoly, otherwise, it is going to be a long, long, long few weeks and no vacation. I'm holding out hope that he has learned something here. Actions have conciquences, both good and bad. I guess learning this is all part of growign up, but my word, I was really upset with him this morning.

Weighing In

The twins had their 6 month ped appointment yesterday.... Below are their stats adjusted to 4 months, as opposed to 3 1/2 which is closer to the truth, but not really necessary...

N
Wt 14 lbs 2 oz, 75%
Ht 24 1/2 in, 50%
HC, 16, 40%

R
Wt 14 lbs, 3 oz, 50%
Ht 24 1/2 in, 40%
HC, 16 1/2, 50%

Highlights: They both got lots of shots, although not as many as they could have gotten since we have to be back next month for the second flu shot and the third synigis shot we split the immunizations up. R weighing more than N. He consistently eats at least 1 - 2 oz less each meal, but I guess he does sleep better overall so I guess that's what does it. However, anyone looking at them is shocked because N is so round and chubby looking, as well a baby should be. Dr. H laughed when I told him N doesn't do discomfort well and commented that his wife doesn't either. LOL. We could start solids/rice cereal or we could wait a month or two. I'm going to wait a bit while I continplate making my own baby food and get rice cereal recommendations. For those of you who have done this, and I know at least two of you so will likely email off line if/when I get a chance, what book recommendations, good tips/advice, family favorites, and/or lessons learned do you have for me? Both babies were tired and fussy last night. R woke up a lot. I didn't get much sleep. And, I've now got a sore throat and sniffles. Can you see where this is headed? At least I'll be on vacation, officially, in a few hours, although I've lost focus and am pretty much mentally done. However, Max will also be on vacation so probably rest and naps are out sadly.

Uninspired

Work is busy and fulfilling and in spite of all the turmoil going on and the pending vacation/holiday, I am reminded that I actually like work and am good at it. Not that I wouldn't give it up easily given the choice to spend more time "at home" with the kids, but since that isn't an option, it is a good thing that I like it. Anyway, this new gig I have keeps me busy, busy, busy so blogging during the day isn't really and option and I'm too burned out and tired of thinking and being in front of a computer when I'm not working. As such, I've been quiet and uninspired on the blog front, but maybe that is obvious.

My Big Babies

12 days until Christmas

Not to stress anyone out, but did you realize that today it is only 12 more days until Christmas. I'm in pretty good shape. I think I have everything bought and have a start on wrapping. I made a ton of Christmas cookies today. Today was the big day where I went into Max's class to do the cookie thing. I made the dough up earlier in the week and glad I ran out of ingredients and only made up 3 batches as we only used one in his class. After work, I rallied and made up 1.5 and froze .5 because I just couldn't do one more and needed to get Max to bed. We had cookies for dinner. Oh well, some days are just like that. It is my Grandma's recipe and a treasured one in my family. So yummy!

6 months ago

Six months ago today. Six months ago, and two hours ago precisely actually, the twins were born. Can you believe it? Happy 6 month birthday little ones.

Lack of content

I haven't had much to say lately. Things have been fairly routine, which is a good thing. Work is busy and I'm working after the kids go to bed most nights. The twins, on average, continue to be pretty good night sleepers. Max, on average, continues to get me up and not be a good night sleeper. I can't complain too much, because I'm sure he gets it from me. My cousin says its the "farmer" genes in my linage. Most often, N gets put to bed earliest because she is crabby and screaming her head off, then Max, then R last of all. Tonight, we were all blessed with not having to hear N fussy and loud. It really was nice. What changed? She got decent naps.

I've been telling Noemi for weeks now to make sure N got good naps and to put her in her bed for it. R is a catch as catch can napper and seems to get enough or at least not have lack of sleep affect him. N, not so. Yesterday, Noemi commented to me that N likes to sleep in her bed and naps better that way. Ah, yeah. What do you think I've been trying to tell you.

Yesterday, Max gave me one day notice that he was going on vacation today and that I needed to take him to the airport. He's going to Michigan for 5 days. Not the Aunt TT Michigan, the Santa Michigan (aka the North Pole). And, on the way back, he's stopping by Utah. Not really sure where the Utah comes from since we don't know anyone that lives in Utah, probably this is all because someone at schoold is going to Utah for vacation. But, Utah it is. When I tell him I'll miss him too much, I'm told not to worry, it will be okay, and that he will be back in only 5 days. When I explained he was too young to fly by himself, he told Noemi she needed to come with him. When that didn't work, he said, momma's could come.

As previously stated, N was in a reasonable, calm mood tonight so she got to do books and early bed time routine with Max and I while R got bathed and fed. Me thinks the trying to get your siblings in trouble thing starts early. N was sitting there minding her own business and Max goes and puts his finger to her mouth and then tells me that "N got germs on me" in that tattle voice of kids. I had to laugh inside. He went on to tell me that now he is sick and has to go to the hospital. Yes, we have had to have many discussions on how he can't get in the babies faces, spit on them, blow on them especially when he is sick, etc.

As busy as the weekdays are, as hard and crazy and intense as the weekends are with all three kids, as much as I really like working, as much as work is easy for me and as egotistical as it may sound as good at it as I am, I miss having more time with the kids. Often I feel a little sad that I don't hold, feed, bath, change the babies more myself. Even if it means I get less sleep, secretly, most of the time, I'm not too upset when the babies are up during the night because it means I get more interaction with them as limited as it is because we have strong day vs. night cues and signals around here. I remind myself, that I have it better than most because I do work from home and I do get to see them here and there throughout the day even if it is a quick goo goo ga ga conversation and smiles while Noemi feeds them or they are hanging out in the swing or bouncy. I can take a meeting, then break to get Max to school most days. I can stop work to pick him up and wrap it up after they are all asleep. Most days. Not all. Today, Noemi had to do both drop off and pick up for Max because I had both early and late meetings. However, because I do work from home and the babies are so good on average, she can run and get Max leaving the babies with me and I can actually work and get done what I need. I could never have done that with Max at the same age. He needed and still needs/demands much more of me when he is around and awake.

All and all, things are going just fine. No real complaints. Just busy and routine and normal. All day there is something that needs to be done and lots that doesn't get done and I've been a terrible friend to pretty much every friend I have most of the time as I don't have the time or energy to keep in touch. But, overall it feels managable, and right and fulfilling.

sleep debrivation

Their are killing me these children of mine. I fell asleep at 10:30 ish after working late again tonight as I have pretty much all week. There is just a lot to do and this afternoon I cut out early because my dad was in town unexpectedly and he hung out with for us for a few hours, but I had things that had to get done so once again it was back to work once the babes were down. So, I fall asleep around 10:30 pm and N is fussing at 11:30 pm that requires me to get up. I get her settled and go back to sleep, immediately fall back asleep and at 12:15, it was Mr. R's turn. By this time, I'm awake enough that I figure I may as well suck it up and pump and rest that clock and here I am. Last night, N was up and fussy a lot for some reason or other and she is usually my best, go all night sleeper. I really don't remember the night before that, but suffice it to say some turn of events happened that one or more of my children woke wanted food, attention, a nappy change that required my awake time when I'd rather not. Ah, sleep is over rated, right?

A pump emergency

If it's not one thing, it is some thing else...or so the saying goes.

Had a pump emergency a bit ago. Breast pump started making really, really bad noises and I was afraid it wouldn't make it through the night, which would have been bad. Very, very bad. I tried to see if I could fix it. I couldn't and didn't spend much time trying to get it back together. A quick online yellow pages search and a few phone calls later and I found a place that had one and that I could get to before it closed. Several hundred dollars later, I'm the proud owner of a brand new breast pump. For a nano second, I thought about just stopping, but I'm not ready to do that. As much as it is a pain, it is now part of my routine and I think it is in the best interest of the children.

Another potential crisis averted. Now, I just need to trash the old one.

A funny

I was working late tonight because there is a lot of work. My new assignment is going to keep me busy, but I really am enjoying the work and it is something that will probably sound very egotistical, but I'm good at it. But, with coming up to speed in the new area, and being out last week, and trying to recover from the weekend, I was way behind and needed to catch up and tonight was the night. Now, I'm on an adrenaline rush and I'm finding it hard to unwind and get to bed, which I'm sure isn't a good thing.

I was wrapping up work and going to move N from the swing to her crib....again. She had been previously asleep in her bed and woke up screaming in her I'm inconsolable mode and the solution was the swing. My neighbor lent me her old swing so we now have two and have them in such a manner that the babes can see each other. N just snuggles in the new one and looks like such a rolly polly. I'll have to pull out the camera and take some pictures. I forgot it at Thanksgiving. N was 13 lbs 8 oz last Friday. R was 13 lbs 4 oz. Max is very concerned that only N has been using the new swing and I've been instructed to move them and let R have a go at it. We have the swing R has been using up against the counter under the cool air humidifier. He's doing fine right now. Almost no wheezing and only a bit of coughing, but it is regular coughing. Both still have a fair amount of congestion, but they are both on the up hill climb unless we get something else brought into the house of germs. I was able to convince the peds office that we didn't need to come in this week for a visit as instructed in the hospital discharge reports since we are going to be back soon anyway for their 6 month check up and second synigis shot.

Speaking of synigis, I got a call from the supplier today asking some questions and about shipping it to the docs for the second installment and the rep asked whether they had been hospitalized while taking it due to respiratory issues among several other routine type questions. She had to catch herself and do a double take when I responded yes. I guess she doesn't get that much. :) Just made me laugh.

Now, here is the funny....I was wrapping up work and was clearing dishes out of my office and going to move N, and I had this ah ha, gut type thought? reaction? moment? where it hit me ....

I HAVE TWINS. Holy Crap. I have babies. Two of them. Twins.

Considering all that we have been through since June and that they are now almost 6 months. I just found my awe and disbelief quite amusing and amazing. I guess it was a bit of a delayed reaction. I'm still laughing at myself a bit over it.

Things I have learned

1) Even the hospital didn't think it was necessary to have R on oxygen taped up to his face. They had a "blow by" of cool most air out of a tube somewhat directed at his face. I'd be willing to do that while he sleeps if I had the right equipment. I feel slightly vindicated. Although the admitting doc gave the best explanation yet of why the pulmonaligist wanted to err on the side of caution.

2) You don't necessarily have to use the face mask on the nebulizer. Yes, it may be more effective, but just blowing it at the nose can be considered good enough if the mask freaks out the patient.

3) You can and probably should use the bulb syringe to suction the mouth/back of the throat when clearing the nose. Boy did I get a lot of phlegm when I did this. A lot. Less for them to need to cough up and to possibly get into the airways/lungs. Yes, they don't like it, but it does fall into the good for you/very effective category.

4) What "pulling" means in regards to breathing and why it is bad. I'm still not all that good at hearing wheezing. Yes, I can hear it in R, but pretty anyone even vaguely around him will hear that it is so bad right now. They say N is wheezing a bit as well, but I can't really hear it in her.

5) Even though the directions may say to only give a breathing treatment every 4 hours as needed, really, you can do it as often as needed much more frequently if needed to try to get breathing airways open and less pulling and wheezing.

I kid you not

In the truth is often stranger than fiction category, I sat down and had my first bite of Thanksgiving turkey tonight (Sunday, November 30th) at 7:08 pm alone at my dinner table after the Sunday sitter left after a 80 minute nap in my own bed this afternoon after a two night, three day stay in the hospital with R as the patient and N along for the ride while Max had a sleepover with his aunt and his nana. I don't have the energy to get into all the minutia of the last few days. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty, but we all got through and all my children are asleep in their own beds and I hope to be doing the same as soon as I finish pumping.

I was in hospital hell in a hospital so old school it doesn't have wireless internet connectivity, not that I would have had much computer time. I was so tired that tears were easy to come, but busy enough that I didn't have much time to wallow in self pity. Below is a brief entry I made when I did have about 30 minutes to wallow while both babies were asleep at the same time.

Here I sit for another night in a place where I rather not be. Another hospital visit. Another overnight stay. R came down with an upper respitory infection and croup. Time goes by fast and slow at the same time. I miss my Max regardless of the fact that he is tolerating his sleep over with Aunt K and Nana just fine. At least they let me bring my N with us and I have both babies here. For pretty much the first time, other than the middle of the night, I have a moment to sit with nothing to do. That isn’t really a good thing. Being busy is better. I’d call some friends, but I’d just start crying and can’t talk. The biggest problem is lack of sleep. For two nights now, I haven’t gotten much sleep to speak and it’s taking it’s toll. For the first time today, I got the “oh, is he your grandson”. Ah, no, my son as I think how tired and bad I must look today. Forget the fact that I understand why R is here and that it is where he needs to be, I want to be home. I want us all to be home and healthy. Please let R be better not worse tomorrow and please let us go home tomorrow. This is not how I want to spend the weekend. I need a plan for if R has to stay Sunday night too. I don’t have one, good or otherwise. Hospitals suck no matter how necessary.

R is still a bit wheezing a bit, but not under such respiratory distress. Things peaked with the croup about Saturday midday. I'll continue to give him home breathing treatments as often as necessary. And, I will monitor him closely, but feel like he is on the upswing...as did the attending doc at the hospital or we wouldn't be home in our own beds tonight. N still has a bit of a cold/cough/wheezing as well, but thank goodness it didn't develop into croup...which was one of the worries and why she was allowed to stay with me in the hospital. She is getting breathing treatments and was given a round of steroids as a precaution as well.

Max seemed to tolerate the time away well. He had a great time at his sleepover, but did say he missed me. Oh, but not nearly as much as I missed him.

I have to say that I am very envious of those parents who haven't had hospital time with their children. I've had far, far too much this year and hope this is the last of it. I'm tired of hospitals. I don't like the fact that I know too well the "workings" at this point. May I never see the inside again for a very, very long time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The pies are baked for Turkey day. The house is decorated for Christmas and given a good dusting and vacume while I was at it. I even took some time to "do lunch" with a friend, hold some babies and go read a story at Max's school this morning. I wouldn't really call the last three days as a vacation, but not working at the job I get paid for allowed me to work around the house and get ahead of the game for the holidays. I was feeling tired and crabby earlier. I'm still tired, but not as crabby. I'm sure that has something to do with the fact that all three children are sleeping peacefully at the moment, especially my eldest who was tired and crabby and wired and a tad naughty and whinny tonight when he wasn't yelling. Tomorrow we are going over to my sisters. It is going to be a pain to load up, but once we get there it should be fairly relaxing. Lots of adults to help hold and entertain and we aren't cooking this year. We ordered and will be picking up a premade meal for a resteraunt. Me, I've made my pies and my dill dip, which are the things that mean Thanksgiving to me, the rest is just dressing. My mom is staying over for a few nights to help since I gave Noemi off and she actually has been quite helpful so it is a good help. So, while I am tired, it is a good tired after some busy, but productive days with a lot of accomplishments.

Growing pains

Sometimes, being a mom can be hard. I just so thought Max would love preschool. Some days he does. Often he doesn't. I thought things were getting better, then on Friday when I went to pick him up, he told me he didn't like it and didn't want to go anymore. All weekend, he told me he didn't want to go. I told him not to worry about it because it was the weekend and there was no school. Monday morning came and I got a bit of push back and told once again how he didn't want to go. Once again, I explained that mommy works and he goes to school and he told me how he wanted to stay home with Mimi (what he calls Noemi). This morning, oh my word, we had meltdown like we rarily have with him, cried and cried the whole time I was getting him dressed, most of the way to school, as we walked in, and when we got to his room. His face was all red and splotchy like mine gets. He pulled out every stop and told me that he couldn't go because he was "too tired and crabby and needed to stay home and have a LONG sleep. A long one". You know he was desperate not to go if he was trying to trade in sleep, which he tries to do as little of as possible.

When I try to find out why, I get told "There are sharks there". No sweety, sharks need water. "Yes, they are in the water under the streets". Or, there are dinosours. Or, some other nonsense answer.

I asked one of his teachers yesterday morning if they had a clue. None, but he burst into tears during snack time and when his teacher asked why he was crying he said "he didn't know why".

When we aren't talking about preschool, I've been getting a lot of "I want to be two again". Some, "I miss Shadow. Can we get another Shadow?" (which is at least to me a bit easier than asking me to go get Shadow and bring her home from the doctor or hospital or rainbow bridge). And, even a "I want to be a girl. How can I be a girl?" once or twice.

I just don't get it.

In general, I think he has a hard time trying to get along with so many people for such a long period of time. And, kids can be mean. There is one kid that seems to me like he is such a bully, he has gotten in Max's face a few times while I was there including this morning. I, of course, call him on it and tell him "That's not nice. I don't like it. Please stop." and the kid just walks away. This kid has never been to any of the birthday parties so my interaction has been limited and I've decided not to say anything to the teachers unless Max complains directly about something specific. I think I'm the one that has an issue with this kid as Max hasn't said much about it. Maybe Max was a little on the outs with his closest friend and it is just a combination or many things and many changes recently.

It felt a bit like pushing him out into the big bad world and I so wanted to just cuddle him and let him stay home and protect him. Sadly, life doesn't work that way and that would solve nothing. I had to remind myself that I can't and shouldn't always protect him. My job isn't to keep him from sadness or tears, but to make sure he knows that he will always be loved and to give him the tools needed as he grows.

I wish I could make it better for him. I sat and hugged him for awhile until he calmed down and left him after a 5 minute, 3 minute, 1 minute warning and he was fine. His teacher said he had a good day and only cried once when they found tape in the fish tank and he was worried about the fish.

I shed a few of my own tears on the way home because it just made me so sad to see him so sad.

When the seasons collide

I almost took a picture. Really it is quite amusing. Messy, absolutely. A pain, you bet. When it is complete, beautiful. In the mean time, a bit of a safety hazard.

I'm taking down Halloween, putting up Christmas, and preparing (as much as I plan to) for Thanksgiving.

And, now, I must stop and go pick up a 3 year old tornado to add to the mix.

I told him I was going to get the tree up today on the way to preschool. He was thrilled. If he had his way, it would stay up all year. He cried, literally, for weeks when it went down. Has ask throughout the year to put it up with an increasing creshendo since Halloween.

Yes, a bit early, but really it needs to be done while I'm off work, Max is in school, and I have help with the babies so today thru Wednesday is it and I have a friend coming in town tomorrow so tomorrow is mostly out.

I hate putting it up, dislike taking it down, but just love it all when it is decorated. The earlier, the more time to enjoy.

The case of the absent cell

When you sign your child in at Sunday school, it asks for your cell number just in case they need to get a hold of you for some reason. I've always thought this as a tad odd because, presumably, one would be discouraged from having their cell phone on during service. But, I digress. I realized that I had left my purse in the car once I sat down in the cry room and figured it was too much of a pain to haul the twins out and back to the car and they would just come find me if needed. To digress further....during church, a lady that I see quite a bit and how has been a baby holder on occasion leaned over to me, told me that she just couldn't sit through service today to pray for her, but her kids were in Sunday school and she was going to get a coffee. Oh, how that made me laugh.

We were driving home after because I forgot the birthday present for the party we were going and thought about someone I needed to call, but my purse was in the back of the van. Stopped by home, left the kids in the car real quick, got present, pee'd, got drinks, headed to the pharmacy to drop off a prescription from last Tuesday (drive thru), and then headed to the party. Went to call my cousin to answer a question she asked me weeks ago that somehow I got distracted and never answered while I was thinking about it since it had to do with the twins and mirrors she had installed for me and how they were working and my ear piece wasn't working. It was just dead.

It was then that I remembered that my cell phone was actually by my bed, turned off, because I was to tired to get up and charge it last night before I fell asleep and I didn't want it to beep low battery at me in the middle of the night. So glad I didn't actually need the phone today.

Max had a great time at the party. I didn't have a bad time. It was a bit of a pain because the house was up a hill with lots of steps and I had a double stroller and lots of stuff I was hauling. But, the party was a tad strange if I do say so myself, and I do. There are several reasons why I thought it odd, but the biggest was how they tried to pose all of the kids (this was a 3 year old birthday party) for about 10 minutes and wanted them to stand (instead of sit) behind the cake because it would be a better shot. Another odd thing was how most of the kids were brought by their dad, a few by both parents, and only one other woman came with just her child and how more than half of the kids (all who were brought by the dads) stayed for only about 30 - 45 minutes before begging off for various reasons. The only other alone woman was older and had adopted from China. I wanted to ask her if she was an SMC, but got distracted. Like I said, I felt completely comfortable and didn't have a bad time, there was clearly some other dynamic going on coupled with the parents of the child squabbling a bit and several other things. Anyway, neither here nor there.

Speaking of getting distracted, when we got home after being gone pretty much all day, I unloaded the kids, started unloading the car, when Max had to go poo. A bit later, I went to get the twins out of their car seats and R wasn't buckled in. I'm hoping I had started to get him out when I got distracted at home and not that I carried him down steps, drove home, and unloaded him that way. After ponding it and worrying a bit, I honestly don't know, but think that may be the case. I've made a mental note to double check fastenings in the future. Oh my! If so, that was bad, bad, bad. Clearly, my brain is mush and I'm to easily distracted and forgetful right now. The babies are sleeping fine. Max isn't, therefore, I am not. And, I've been staying up later than normal wasting time on the computer which seems like a good idea at the time and not so much in the middle of the night when your up and down every few hours.

Just me?

Is it just me or does anyone else occasionally check their own blog to see if it has any new content when, in fact, you haven't posted any?

Busy week.

Had lots of doc appointments, mostly for N. The neurologist and neurosurgeon both gave N a good bill of health, come back in 3 months. Oh, how I can't wait until that is 6 months, then a year, and maybe some day, never? Both babes seemed to tolerate the synergis shot well enough. Both are still sleeping so well that it is really quite scary and a joy at the same time. It's a mixed blessing since it helps since I don't get a nap now that I'm back to work, but I also miss spending more time with them since they are sleeping more. A paradox like many things in life.

I finally got an assignment at work doing the same thing I was doing before I went out on leave, but for a different group. And, the person I was getting turnover from was taking today as vacation and I'm taking next week and she starts a new gig the first week of December so that has taken up time. Work is so much easier than not work and weekends take on a whole new meaning with 3 kids and little help, but it's all good and we need that "family time". I miss spending more time with the babies or did I say that already.

Speaking of weekends, Max is now officially on the birthday party circuit with parties almost every weekend and two this weekend. It is kind of a pain, but how can I not do it if possible ...espeically with kids he likes. So, I'll be schelping everyone to a bowling party tomorrow and a house party after church on Sunday. Just the thought makes me tired. We got one from a kid I don't think he likes much and it is a gym/Karate type class that Max said he didn't want to go. Was it wrong of me to celebrate and encourage this?

I hear a baby fussing in the other room. Think I will go give out some Friday afternoon cuddles.

Moments of panic

I was driving N to an appointment on Monday and had this moment of panic where I was sure I had brought the wrong child with me. I didn't. I had to seriously think about it and it did give me pause, before I realized that I was good and did, in fact, bring the right baby.

I walked in the twins room today and had a moment of panic when N's crib was empty. I'm not sure of the particular order of these thoughts but one was that someone had come in and stole her during the night, to which I told myself that was unlikely as they probably would have taken R as well or instead since he is a much calmer/easier baby unless they only wanted a girl baby; another was that I had left her in the family room all night and was she in a bouncy or the swing, before I reminded myself that no I had indeed checked on her and she had been in her crib; which brought me to the question "Where the fuck is my baby?" After standing there for a period of time taking all this in and trying to process, I walked further into the room and my darling daughter had scooted herself down to the end of her crib and turned herself sideways and was laying behind a pile of her baby blankets that just so happened to be the same cream color as her sleeper and a spot that could not be seen from the doorway. Whew! As much as she can be a PITA, I'm quite fond of her and would like to keep her around.

When Max was first born, I used to have these moments of panic where I'd be driving and worry that I left him behind, or forgot to strap him in, or the most common was that he died during sleep with SIDS or suffocation being the top two causes of his early demise. I find it amusing and ironic that I have much fewer of these with the twins who had much more of an auspicious start. But, I do have them on occasion. Heck, it's even more funny because Max didn't even HAVE blankets in his crib until he was a year or two old because I worried he would roll into them and suffocate during the night. I'm sure there is some sort of "reason" for them like mommy brain overload, or hormones, or lack of sleep, or such a big change in routine, or a combination. When they happen, they are "real" and I have a physical reaction along with the moment of terror. I'm typically an easy going person, which I think helps immensely being a mom and a single mom at that, but every now and again, something can happen that causes me pause like this morning.

I've been laughing at myself all day, but ...oh, that moment this morning when the crib was empty.. just a tiny moment of terror.

Weights

Nora weighed in at 12 lbs 14 oz and Ray weighed in at 13 lbs 2 oz today.

Long afternoon with two doctor's appointments and a stop by my old RE's office to show of the babes and inquire about the form needed to authorize the demise of my pity freeze embryos that the storage comes up on next month. Probably, I will have them destroyed instead of renew. To tired to get into it tonight, but donating is not an option for many reasons including being a violation of my contract with the donor.

As tiring as it was, it was nice to have a whole afternoon with both babies. They were in best form until the end of the last visit when they were tired and then got a shot and we had to wait for 15 minutes to ensure they didn't have an adverse reaction.

I wonder how this bodes for my night....as I was putting Max down and saying the last good nights, he said, "see you in the night". I said, no, see you in the morning, not in the night and he laughed and repeated himself. Oy, that kid of mine is something else.

I think I had another point or two, but have lost it. Brain is mush. Must go to bed. Oh yeah, I now have a work assignment and a pretty good one. Doing the same thing I was doing before I left, but for a different group. Going to be kind of a pain until I get up and established within the new group, but should ultimatly be fine.

The best things in life

Warning: Do not read if you are struggling to ttc or having difficulty being child free cause this post will probably set you over the edge

I heard the old adage the other day that the best thing in life are free. I agree with the spirit of the intent of that message, but have to disagree. The best thing in my life are my children. They really are a dream come true. They make me feel fulfilled and complete in a way that I had not thought possible. I have a little anxiety about the work situation, which really is warranted as some big, big, big changes have and are coming down and the company that I have worked for 19 years is no longer the same company; I'm not moving into the position I had when I went out on leave; and, I do not yet have a new position so am filling the hours at this point. However, other than that, mostly, and overall....I'm happy. Sometimes a tired or sick or crabby happy, but happy none the less. Anyway, I digress. While my children are the best things in my life, no part of having them has been free. Not on the front end of conceiving, the pregnancies themselves, or after and beyond. In fact, the twins are quite expensive actually. It probably wouldn't be to far wrong to say they are close to million dollar babies although I haven't added up the costs because it can be too overwhelming (I literally have several book size file folders of EOB's from this year) and I just keep thanking God for good insurance with a reasonable yearly out of pocket maximum. I've just been feeling particularly blessed lately. The twins are really such good babies. They have been sleeping all night and are just willing to hang out and look around in the morning until you come in to get them. When they see you, they just get the biggest smiles on their faces that just go to the core of my heart, like "yeah, your here. I'm so happy to see you, your the best ever" and almost like it never occurs to them to cry out for you. Now, even though they are sleeping through, I'm still up in the night to pump, change Max, etc., but it's more doable than I thought at this stage. It's not all perfect and sunshine and roses. Nothing in life really is. Yet, it is perfect for me. I finally feel like I am the me I was always meant to be and that every struggle and heartache and disappointment was just leading up to now. While not free, it is the best thing in life.

Vent

I've said it before, but here it goes again...I do NOT heart N's neurosurgeon's staff. They have great ineptitude in a basic skill such as scheduling appointments. It really should not be this hard. N has her 6 week post op this week, but the needed u/s couldn't be scheduled on the same day as her visit with the doc. Fine. We were scheduled for a 8:30 am u/s appointment today. Monday. We are scheduled to see the doc on Wednesday afternoon in is satellite office. We get there and checked in after fighting morning traffic, leaving early, have to arraign things to leave so early to find out that they had her scheduled for 11 am. That is a big difference and I was pissed. After waiting for about an hour, N was tired and overstimulated and went from her charming smiling and coo'ing self to her screaming her head off self. I paced with her in the hall glaring at the radiology reseptionist with each pass of the desk and cornered the u/s tech to tell her my troubles at first opportunity as I tried to remind myself that it wasn't their fault and that being upset would get me no where but a bad day or possibly high blood pressure...and who needs that.

While I"m venting, let me just mention how many bad drivers there are on the LA freeways. I often find it quite incredible how many people have difficulty staying within the lane lines or will attempt to change lanes without first looking to see if said lane has an opening. Now, my car (s) are big and diffuclt to miss, but I can't tell you how many times I've almost been broadsided since the twins were born. Don't even get me started about those people who continue to use cell phones without an ear piece or ...and I kid you not... texting while attempting to drive even though it is now illegal to do so in California.

And, while I'm in bitch mode, let me comment on how ironic it is/was that gas prices were the highest ever this summer during a time when I drove the most ever and now that I'm back to not needing to drive so much (Thank goodness, cause "they" are idiots I tell you, idiots!). At least now I'm able to double save that money if you will.

And, for all I give Ms. N a bad rap about being miss cranky pants, she really can be quite a good baby most of the time. We got home around 11 (the u/s tech did get us in a bit early after getting tired of my less than happy looks and pacing, pacing, pacing with N in front of their door) and Noemi was out at the park with R. Instead of calling her home, I figured N was tired from her morning adventures and would likely sleep until 1 pm which was her next feeding time, and I could work while she slept. And, she slept until 12:58 pm waking up right on cue. I could have never ever done that with Max when he was a baby. Yes, you can sooth him more easily, but he just didn't sleep so well or so regular then or now.

Anyway, I'm sure I could find more to storm and rant about, buth the vent has left me tired. I'm feeling better, but still not great with this cold thing going on.

The house of germs...

It's official. I live in the house of germs. With a three year old in preschool, it doesn't matter how much hand washing you do. The germs seem to find us. It doesn't help that said kid will use his fingers and/or arm to wipe the snot instead of a tissue and laugh when you tell him that's disgusting. Or, sprays it while he says it. Or, actually use his arm only once every 5 times he coughs.

We've all got it. Including me. Sore throats. Body aches. Buggers. Blow, blow. Suction suction. Crying. Screaming. Sleeping.

Saturday night, we all had Tylenol cocktails as our after dinner drink and went to bed. We all needed it, especially my darling daughter N. She doesn't do discomfort well. An airbubble or a dirty diaper, if in the "mood" can set her off. Not feeling well just puts her over the screaming edge where nothing and no one can comfort her until you take her troubles away. She's training us all well. An unhappy N makes and unhappy household. A happy N makes a happy household. Oh my, does that girl have some lungs on her. She woke up Sunday, with smiles and charm, so one can presume that she is over the worst of it.

The twins have already slept 12 hours more nights total than Max has in three years. Occasionally, they both even do it on the same night. Most nights, Max is still waking up. He came in at 2 am with a nice chipper "Good Morning". Ugh! With the time change (which he has never done well) and the sickness and the biggy...pee'ing through, he's up at least once every night. If I can catch him and change him sometime in the middle of the night when I'm awake, he'll stay dry enough to sleep through. Okay, so it happened once in the last two weeks (but, whose counting). Not only do the overnights give him a rash, the don't work. Double diapering does nothing. A diaper then a pull up. No. A pull up, then a diaper still doesn't cut it, but seems to be the better combination. Just a phase. Soon, it will pass.

I'm still up pumping at least once every night. It continues to suck. I continue to do it.

Lots of doctors appointments this week for routine follup up, mostly with N and finally the synergis shots for the babes in between which I pretend to work.

Time vs. Money

Here I sit once again, pumping. It sure gets old fast, but I've made it past the 5 month mark. I'm going for gold...at least a year. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I make it. Then, I think about the cost involved in buying formula on top of everything else and I know I can suck it up and motivate myself for a bit more. I'd like to say that it is because I just want the best for my babies and how much better breast milk and all that and that is all true. But, formula is so easy. I'm not having to supplement much. I've actually been able to freeze some again and some nights don't even need to supplement at all. Today, R got 4 oz of formula. Last night, N got one bottle of formula. Then, it had been 2 - 3 days since I'd needed to reach into the formula canister. As it is, this huge, expensive canister of formula that I got at Costco seems to be going very fast. I shudder to think how fast it would go if I had both babies using formula full time. That motivates me really fast to put in my time at the pump. What can I say, I'm frugal at heart on most things. I'd rather my money go to something else, especially since my supply is good and it IS good for the babes.

Jinx'd?

Yes, Yes, of course I jinx'd myself by mentioning that which should not be named. I know better than doing that sort of thing. The good news is that Max slept through for a change. But, the babes did wake up and I had trouble falling asleep after pumping so another night of little sleep. However, I think the problem with the twins is that they got cold so am going to try to avoid that and see how tonight goes. Yes, I do dare hope that I will get lucky one of these days and have all three have a good sleep through night and where I am sleeping as well. It could happen. Someday.

Anxiety

Sunday evening, I drove by the hospital the twins were born/in the NICU. It's really quite far from my house, but I was out that way for something and it was in route. As I passed, I was wondering who was working in the NICU and about the families and babies in there right now and I was really surprised that I had such a physical reaction to it. I'm not sure I really know what an anxiety attack is, but I think probably along the lines of what I started to feel. I had to talk myself into deep breaths and to slow my pulse and calm the heck down. No one looking at me would have known I was upset or affected, but inside...oh my word. I've thought back on it a few times since or some other thought close and had a similiar reaction. I guess it is like post tramatic stress or something and the experience can just come back to bite you when you least expect it. Sometimes the NICU days seem so far away they are like a distant memory and sometimes the fear and stress all some back like a bad reality. I've never experienced such a physical reaction from a memory before that I was really caught off guard by it and can't say I like it.

Mostly things are going pretty well here. That thing that you like babies to do at night has been happening. I hate to say anything or acknowledge it so that I don't jinx things. Also, another sign of scars from the tough start is that instead of enjoying it I worry that it is caused by a sickness or failure to thrive or some problem that will land us back into the hospital with the fear of RSV or some other such situation with all the colds and coughs and such in the house of germs this last month. My intense scruteny seems to point to the fact that they are just much better at that thing that Max isn't and that I have even further reason to love and adore these babes of mine, but you know...I don't want to jinx it or anything.

Lest you think that just because the babes are doing something so well that I have seen a postive benefit, think again. Mr. Max has never, ever adjusted well to time changes and it has been yet another difficult transition with lots of night and early morning wakings. Last night, he ended up in my bed for almost all night so I'm hoping he finally got a good enough sleep that we are finally getting back on track. Of course, since he was in my bed, I slept like crap and woke up a gagillion times or something.

All that to say, I'm up pumping while all three children are still alive and asleep in their own beds without waking (or at least waking me) since they were put there. And, pumping sucks. I go through phases where I don't mind so much, but I'm not in one of those phases right now.

My Max

My friend dropped by a few bags of clothes for us. She has boy/girl twins that will be 5 in January and I've benefited quite a bit from outgrown toys and clothes. I was sorting through and sorting...because I'm a tad anal and everything must be washed in my own machine with my own detergent before packing it away for a few years before it will likely get rewashed prior to wear. Now that N is with us, she sent a bunch of girl clothes, several pair of ballet shoes (how cute are they?) and some smashing butterfly rain boots. Anyway, Max saw these PJ's and just knew he wanted to wear them. Who am I to say no? They are very similar to several PJ's that his beloved CC had this summer and a robe of mine that he just loves. He was so happy and kept saying how comfortable he was. Notice his fireman rain boots, his nice warm slippers just weren't good enough to complete the outfit. I wasn't going to get out the camera, but he was just so cute and when I asked if I could take a few pictures of him I got a resounding YES and that I was supposed to tell him "not to smile". Gosh is he a (comfortable) cutie!


Yes, we also got his hair cut last weekend. By the barber. The man. Not the mommy one. The MAN one. There were lots of men there with their sons. He cuddled up to one for a bit and ran his car over him while I was distracted by the twins and called him back. He started calling me daddy. I responded "oh great, I get to be both mommy and daddy today" and answered him. That night, I asked him if it was hard to be there with all the daddies. To which he replied, "At Kevin's party, Nolan said I had a daddy and I told thim that I didn't and he didn't believe me. I said NO I DON'T". Sigh. Not the response I was expecting. So, we ran through why we don't have a daddy in our family. I told him he was absolutly right and asked if he wanted me to talk to Nolan about it to which he said, "yes" then started talking about something completely different.

Hospitals and doctors have been a big part of our life this year so it was no suprise Max wanted to be a doc for Halloween. A week or so ago, he told me he needed to go to the hospital to have surgery to become a girl. Not quite sure where that came from. Probably a boy at school. He is one of the youngest in his class and I'm not always impressed with some of the older boy influence. Max has been taking a little mermaid lunch box to school. We have the cars one we got in preperation for school, then Max found the mermade one and a bullwhinkle one in the cupbard that someone had given us or left. Every morning, I give him a choice. Most of the time, he chooses the mermaid one. I guess the comments one day last week got enough that one of the teachers mentioned it to me, the next day he wanted the car one. I talked to him about Strength of Body; Strength of Character; and Strength of Conviction and what they all meant and why they are important. I told him if he liked the mermaid one to forget what anyone else said, it was his life and his lunchbox and he could do what he wanted. He wasn't hurting anyone by bringing the mermaid one so it didn't matter what they said. He gets to bring the one he wants to bring and they get to bring what they want to bring. If that was taking the car one, fine. If that was taking the mermaid one, that was fine too. Since then, he has wanted the mermaid one.

I know that many would not agree, but I'm not going to ever stereo type him or any of my children or the clothes they wear or toys they play. He may get the pressure from society or others outside the home. He will never get it for me.

My Max, he is growing up so fast and such a contrast between all boy and liking the softer/finer things in life. Hey, I have PJ's made of this material and they ARE comfortable. Why should he not get to enjoy the feeling just because he's a boy? A lot of this "girl" stuff is nicer and more colorful and more fun.

Growing up is a lot of fun and it can be hard. Harder because of the choices his mommy made so that he doesn't have a daddy. Harder because he has a mommy who takes all of this exploration into the "girl" world in stride without freaking out or making him feel like it is wrong where as if there were a daddy in the picture he would likely get a different or more tempered message. To the whole needing to go to the hospital so he could become a girl, I asked him if he wanted to become a girl because they were nice and got to have a lot of nice stuff to which he said yes and moved on.

Me, I just want him to be happy and secure in himself. And, clearly, he was happy tonight. This mom stuff sure can be hard sometimes.

Bouncy, Bouncy

I'm in the kitchen making morning bottles for the twins and Max goes in their room to "check on them". I hear him start to sing "bouncy, bouncy, bouncy" in that sing song voice of kids. He will often sing to them or go get his guitar and play music for them in the morning as I get things ready and we start the day. This time, as I listen closer, I hear bed springs giving cadence along with that song. I wander in to check it out and Max has climbed in the crib (his old crib) with R and is jumping up and down...yes, bouncing. R is laying there with his eyes really big and a big smile on his face as he flies a bit off the mattress with each jump...yes, enjoying this. I figure that I had better object on principle because even though both parties are enjoying it at the moment, someone is bound to get hurt. "But, momma, I'm careful. I won't hurt him." Uh, huh. I remove R and temporarily put him over in N's crib (can't remember where she is, probably out in a bouncy with me) to finish up and come back to Max in N's crib...yes, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy. Oh, you just have to laugh.

The hardest part

The hardest part of going back to work has been missing Shadow and having a dog at my feet for company. I miss her. Max misses her as well and often asks me to "go get her and bring her home". He asked for a new dog the other day and I told him when the time was right for our family, the right dog will find us. Tonight he wanted to read I will always love you by Hans Wilhelm. Three times. It was all I could do to not start bawling. Max must have gotten what he needed although he still doesn't understand "death" because halfway through the third read I got "Momma, I need to talk to you. Stop reading. I need to talk to you." When I stopped, "Why do I have sharp teeth?"

Election Day

Just waiting for the polls to close so I can go to bed. For those who may not know, my garage is the polling place for my precinct. I've been doing this for at least 10 years now. I enjoy it. Often, we get the same workers for every election. They've seen me move from a dog only family to a kid and cat family. I think City Boy enjoys election day most of all in our house. He is in heaven thinking that all these people come just to see and pet him a few times a year. We've had the best turn out ever for our precinct. This morning, the line was down the drive way and down the side walk in front of our house. City was in thrilled and a bit ruthless as he worked the line standing and meowing until he was acknowledged and petted. He hasn't even come inside yet for dinner or treats. He's a funny cat. There are enough workers that they should get things wrapped up fairly quick, then I can call it a night. It goes without saying that my sleep was limited last night with Max having another early morning. Max just doesn't adjust well to the time change. I keep hoping it will get better as he grows, but it hasn't. He had a major meltdown this morning when I dropped him off at preschool. Poor kid has been through so much change with me going back to work and the time change this week just adding on to months and months and months of change for him. His teacher said he was fine by the time they came inside a bit after I left him. Work wasn't bad, just getting caught up on things and made progress against my training goal, and no time for a nap today.

I've had a list of random items to share and was going to do a post, but I can't think of a one of them at the moment. Yes, my brain is mush and the part that isn't went to work today.

Second time around, not same as the first

Today was back to work day. It didn't suck too badly. I had to fight traffic to head to one of our offices to get this computer problem worked out, but was back by noon to meet via phone with my boss. I did get all teary eyed while driving, but was saved from having a melt down by a cell call from a friend. Unlike with Max when I cried my eyes out when I went back, I got worked up about how different it is the second time around. I was actually so rushed to get Max and I ready and out the door and my computer packed up that I didn't even say goodbye to the babies when I left. That's what upset me. Sometimes, I feel so disconnected to them. It wasn't possible, nor will it be in the future to spend as much time with them one on one as I did with Max, as I would like to do. That's one of the reasons that I like going solo on the weekends as much as possible even if it is really hard. It helps us bond as a family and forces me to spend time with them in basic care like feedings and diapers if nothing else. When Noemi is here during the week, it is all too easy to just let her take care of the babies while I take care of Max and everything else. I guess that is just the way of it with second born babies in general and second born twins specifically. So, because I have had to leave the babies so much already since they have been born and since Noemi has already been doing the day shift with the babies, going back to work really wasn't that big of a deal. Granted, I didn't actually get much work done and ... I confess...I did go take a nap after I met with my boss...I was just so tired. It was one of those nights where I was up at 2 am to feed babies and pump. I climbed back in bed at 4 am and Max was up at 4:20. Anyway, the next few days should be pretty mellow at work because I don't actually have an official assignment yet. My boss and I talked about a few things depending on how they play out and I like one better than the rest, but will do whatever really. Until then, I can get my inbox cleaned up, do some training to meet my training target for the year, and go browse some corporate web pages to brush up on changes since I was out. There were some big ones that I don't feel comfortable discussing in such a forum. Anyway we all survived the first day. Max is asleep. Ray is watching Baby Bach while I pump and narrate for him and Noemi feeds Nora. Another day, almost done. Or, rather, night shift about to begin.