Monday, December 19, 2005


Vacation Day 1. Yahoo!! Great to have no work. I didn’t accomplish much. Have I mentioned how much more productive I was before I had a kid? It’s true. Could be that the kid doesn’t sleep. Really. I don’t sleep much and he sleeps only slightly more than me and he is only 4 months old for crying out loud. I should probably disclose up front that I opened a bottle of wine a few hours ago and am well into it. I was a bit tipsy after a glass. I am about half a bottle down right now. I think I may be on my way to getting drunk. What a light weight I have become.

Said kid just woke up. He fell asleep while I was talking on the phone and sipping a bit of vino. Put him to bed and before I got one paragraph typed he was calling. Good thing I love the kid so much. LOL. He only slept 25 min. all day today. It’s no wonder I never get anything done anymore. He is big enough that he can lie on the Kushie’s pillow and eat while I have 2 hands free to type. Can’t reach the wine glass at the moment, but that is probably a good thing.

Today, I accomplished 2 things. And, Naomi was here for most of the day, I wrapped Christmas presents and treated myself to a massage. That’s it. That’s all I got done. If you don’t count walking the dogs twice, feeding my kid on demand (Naomi did give a bottle while I was laying naked on the table two towns away), talking on the phone, and making goo goo eyes to my little guy. One should get more done on a vacation day with paid help. Maybe, but not me.

Said guy is now done eating. Very tired. Wants love and attention. Got to go. Good thing I have my whit’s about me. Ha ha.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Birth Announcements Ordered

It only took me 17 weeks and 1 day, but I have finally gotten around to ordering birth announcements. I used this picture.

And the following text….

Joyfully announcing the birth of my son

Max Alexander
August 17th, 2005
8 pounds 21 inches

Wishing you a New Year of peace and happiness!

I asked to have the envelopes sent early so I can maybe get them addressed and stamped before the order is actually ready.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Vacation Yet?

I am having such a hard time focusing at work. I just want to be on vacation already. Yesterday. Yesterday really wasn’t that great of a day. I actually did okay with the lack of sleep, but it seemed like there was one problem after another. On our morning walk, Max started getting fussy so I turned around before I normally would. It wasn’t soon enough and he cried and screamed all the way down the hill. I took him out of the Baby Bjorn, which helped at first. Who knows what the problem was. It could have been too cold. It could have been that he was hungry. It could be that he just doesn’t like that trail. It is the only one that he has ever really gotten fussy on. I thought it would be nice to feed him on the park bench instead of in the car until dogs started approaching and Lucky and Shadow went into protector mode. I saw what was about to/could happen and got us all packed up before hand. Then, I went to start work and had computer problems. I was able to avoid sending the laptop off to be completely re-imaged, but it was a real pain. In the mist of all this, I sent a note off to my team on a number of topics and said “Happy Friday” in it. Unfortunately, yesterday was only Tuesday. They probably all think I am a total idiot. Strangely enough, no one said anything about it. I mentioned it to our administrative assistant. She said that she just thought it was a joke that she didn’t get. Sigh. LOL.

In other news, I remember the three other blog entries that I haven’t gotten written.

8) Contradictions and Hypocrisy - Where I talk about how I don’t really agree with organized religion, but have baptized Max and attended church last week and plan to raise him Catholic like I was raised, even though I have some major issues with the religion and organized religion in general.. How I don’t think that any one religion is “the” answer. How many times people who are devote are also “righteous” and since they are so right everyone who doesn’t think, believe, and act like them are wrong. I probably wouldn’t be able stop throwing in some snide comments about politics and our political leaders. I am not sure how else to raise Max with morals and a good foundation of right and wrong. Yet, I feel like such a hypocrite. As he gets older, I will talk with him about all of this and expose him to other religions and hopefully give him a foundation so that he can decide for himself. I would also talk about (in my blog entry that is likely to never be written, not necessarily to Max) the other contradiction where I don’t think I could ever marry someone who wasn’t Christian (doesn’t have to be Catholic) even though I don’t think it is the answer and think other religions are just as valid. Oddly enough, every donor that was interested in and the one I ultimately selected was Catholic. I am having a hard time justifying the contradictions and hypocrisy in myself right now. I showed up to church in my hiking boots and in my sweats on the way back from our morning excursion, leaving the dogs in the car. I figured it was the only way it was going to happen since going home first and showering/changing/etc. and going back out hadn’t worked the previous week.
9) Baby Antics - Where I tell you all about the silly, goofy things I do with Max. My cousin commented on how well I had done in making up songs and rhymes and entertainment for Max. Yeah, well, I can’t remember the words or tunes to any of the “real” stuff. Anyway, a lot of that is morbid when you think about it. Come on….”Rock a bye Baby” the cradle falls. “Ba Ba Blacksheep” the wool is going to a master. Not a nice uplifting message I want to pass on to Max. Maybe it is just me. My cousin looked at me odd when I pointed this out. She thinks I am depriving him. Instead, Max gets the “I love Max” song; the “I’m your mamma” song; the “Bouncy, Bouncy Walk” song, where I talk about all we see, the seasons, the weather, and nature. He is fond of the “Kisses and Smooches” game where mamma kisses his tummy, his cheek, his ear, his foot, etc. Who knew I could be such a grade A dork? But, my kid loves it. For now. I am sure I will be a total embarrassment soon. LOL.
10) My favorite song - Where I tell you about my favorite song…John Michael Montgomery’s “Life’s a Dance”. Have you ever heard this? I’ve loved it for years and listen to the CD when talking a bath. Max now loves it as well. I don’t think Max ever took a bath without that as background music until we were in Michigan for Thanksgiving. LOL. Worth a listen sometime. In my mind, words to live by. In the blog written in my mind, I find John Michaels Montgomery’s official web page with a link to where you can actually listen to the song and post the lyrics.

My mom is out doing Christmas shopping for me. Max is practicing his “voice” on the other side of the house. Naomi (as I recently found how she really spells her name and that I have been wrong) is hard at work taking care of Max and cleaning the house. And, I am avoiding work. I should be feeling more guilty than I am right now. Really, I will be focused in January. Right now, I am just ready to be on vacation. No big plans. Wrap presents. Meet up with a few friends. Maybe go see a movie. Max has his 4 mo. appointment (and I have a lot of questions for the dr.). And, of course, Christmas and New Years. I can’t wait.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Where does the time go?

I can’t believe how long it has been since I posted. I’m up because Max pee’d through, as I discovered when he started stirring for his 4 am feeding. He could care less about being wet. All he wanted was food. But, his mamma couldn’t let him go back down like that so he needed a full change – diaper, undershirt, 2 layers of p.j’s, sheet in the co-sleeper. He was awake after all of that, but another round on the other boob in a dark room lulled him off. His mamma, she wasn’t so lucky and tossed and turned and realized after 45 min. that she may as well get up since it was clear she was not going to get more sleep anytime soon.

And, here I am.

I have probably written 10 blog posts in my mind. Yes, only in my mind, with no time to actually get them out. Here is what you could have read, if only, there was time to actually write them.

1) Succession Planning….Where I go on and on about how I want things to work if I die. Yes, still don’t have a will, let alone a living will put in place. Still on the list. I want to set up an investment account for Max. However, because of the tax consequences, I need to/should have some of this set up and in place before I do that. I must move this up on the list because I am loosing out on compounded interest and capital gains while the money sits in a cookie jar. I talk endlessly about why I don’t want my mom or any of my sisters to have Max. Why half of the few people I have talked to about this topic berate me because my current first two people who I want to give the first right of refusal if I keel over are not family. How I talk about how I would like to ask my cousin Ana (who is as good of friends to my sister Cindy as I am to her sister/my cousin Terri) and her husband to be third. How this would break my cousin Terri’s heart and could I get away with this without saying anything and leaving everyone to deal with the written word without having the conversations because after all, I’d be dead. One day, I really am going to get this all out.
2) Acupuncture Testimonial…..Where I post the testimonial I finally got written for Denise, my acupuncturist. This one should be easy since it is already written. Although, may require some edits since I haven’t heard back from her on it and not sure it really was what she was looking for.
3) My life – The comedy…..Where I talk about how Max on Saturday night would fall asleep in my arms and every time I went to put him down, he would wake up and cry. How I ended up falling asleep with him in bed. Tried to move him a few hours later when I woke up. He woke up. Repeat. I finally get him asleep, by himself, and Lucky climbed up and cuddled in the spot vacated by Max. It was a classic. Baby asleep until you get him over the crib and his body on the way down and he starts crying. Start bringing him back up to your chest, crying stops. Repeat. It is only funny in retrospect. At the time, I was very tired and not finding it very amusing.
4) Before and After - Where I post pictures of my hair before and after my hair cut last week. Much better. I was also going to work into this how supportive my hairdresser has been and how she tells all of her single friends about me and how I did this “the right way”. She is currently getting divorced and having to deal with all of the issues around that with her separated husband.
5) Petty, Petty me - Where I talk about how badly the pictures of me looked from the Baptism and how I am a bit resentful that my cousin took Max from me while at the Baptismal Fountain/Bath saying that she was supposed to hold him during this part. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but really regret not holding him through the entire ceremony in hindsight. There are some really great pictures, close ups of the two of them as the water is poured over his head and he is blessed by the priest. I’m standing next to them just looking on like a dork. I’m kind of pissed, but know that I am just being petty. I was looking so bad (tired, hair a mess, fat, etc.) that even if I was holding him then the pictures weren’t so great. I know this is petty. My friend Heather says that Terri should have known better. I’m getting upset about it all over again and I know I should just let it go. It really was a great ceremony and I had no problems at all with it until I looked at the pictures. Silly, petty me.
6) Sleep, Glorious sleep…Where I analyze, ad nauseam, why I was so tired last week including physical reasons (tooth still bothering me, mole that was liquid nitrogen’d hurting, low grade headache, hemorrhoid flare up), need for a little down time/alone time (here I could have worked a whole chapter on my awareness and need of personal space contributing to my still being single), and how I decided that I just need more sleep after Max (7 hours was perfect before, but 8 or 9 is better now). How, like most things in life, it wasn’t just one thing, but many added up that was causing the problem.
7) Me time…Where I talk about how Max fell asleep at 5:30 pm on Friday night and I had the whole evening to myself. Where I wasted such free time catching up on the entire season of Commander in Chief that I had been recording on my DVR but never had a chance to watch. Where I go on and on about how each baby is different and each parent is different citing as examples a fellow SMC friend who just had a baby 10 weeks after Max (she had some Nanny transition problems, but not nearly as badly as I did) who said she is much more efficient since her kid has arrived and I talk about what a time waster I have become and how much more efficient and on the ball I was pre-Max. I was also going to work into here my comments on a recent posting to the SMC-Mothering list about a recent mom of twins was asking the group about what they did on maternity leave because she was bored and had too much free time and how glad I was when a few other people posted that they could completely not comprehend because they never had a minute to be bored or any free time (Whew, it wasn’t just me), which was a relief because, I was thinking “what did I do wrong” that she has time with 2 like I never had with one. At which point I go on and on about how each kid is different and that if your child actually SLEEPS during the day when you yourself don’t need to be sleeping, I can see it. I then would talk about Max’s sleep patterns (night = good; day = bad) and reference back to when he was first born and if he had a sleep athon (like 2 or 3 hours of day time nap in a row) like Friday night I was in a panic (reference back to previous blog entries on such topic) and how much I have grown that I only checked on him once or twice and was able to enjoy my free time with only fleeting thoughts of death and SIDS.

Okay, that’s only 7, not 10. But, there could have been a few more that I am just not remembering at the moment. And, some of those are really big topics and could be split into more than one entry. I’m sure that the digest version was enough. I had novels and chapters written in my mind. Thank goodness. Never had time to write them. Lucky, Lucky you.

I have not read one page of one non child related book since Max was born. I have written tons of blogs that have never made it to print. Oh…just remembered another one where I talk about how I still spend more time researching and reading about infertility than on baby milestones and parenting styles (where I would be an RE when I grow up if I didn’t have to go to medical school and be an OB first and when I read baby parenting stuff I just either 1) freak out because they are so contradictory 2) read all the bad stuff like SIDS, suffocation, rare illnesses, premature death that I swear off it again, tell myself to go with my instincts and go back to reading about fertility/infertility.

Time to go wake my little guy. Feed him. Put another layer on him. Go walk the doggies. Get ready for work. Work. WHOOOOO YAHHHHH. Let another day begin!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Baby Eskimo - With Resignation

Baby Eskimo

Santa Baby - With Wide Eyed Wonder

Santa Baby

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The little things

These days it seems like it is the little things that can make a day. Like today. I got my hair washed and dried before work. No time since the weekend and it really needed to get done. And, I didn’t think it would happen because we got moving and out of the house late (6:45 am). I got the low fuel message as I pulled up to the trail head to park so I needed to stop for gas on the way home. I need about 40 min. extra in the normal get ready routine to wash my hair. Since I had a 9 am work meeting/call, I needed to be home by 8 am ish and Max needed to be asleep/not need to be fed for the hair wash thing to happen. And, it did. I just put the car seat, with him asleep in it, into the bathroom with me. When he started to stir, I quickly shut off the light and showered in the dark. LOL. Of course, I just pulled it immediately up into a ponytail out of the way because my work headset gets caught into other things and Max is starting to grab. Much better to have it out of the way.

I’ve been really, really tired lately. My ass is just dragging. I don’t seem to have the energy for anything. Not getting any less or more sleep (in general) than usual. I thought it may have been because of the high winds we had for a few days, but they have been gone for a few days and I am still tired. I hate it.

I was all set yesterday to leave Max and Niomi home while I went to the dr.’s again. I mentioned it to Niomi and she got a funny expression on her face so I asked her if she wanted to go with. She did. So, we all trekked off to the dr. so I could have more liquid nitrogen placed on the mammoth mole that grew during my pregnancy.

I have so many things work and personal to get done. Don’t feel like doing a one of them. I can’t wait until the 19th when I am on vacation again. I do like my work, just not into it at the moment.

I haven’t even managed to unload my digital camera (let alone actually order any prints..since Max was born…so sad) so that I can take more. I need to get one of him as Eskimo Baby and Baby Santa. It is really not that hard. It really won’t take that long.

Still trying to decided whether or not to do Christmas cards and/or birth announcements. Not enough energy or desire to research it and/or actually make a plan.

I guess I am still a bit stuck in that I would like to be a stay at home mom pattern. Niomi has grown on me. We are both much more used to each other and things are going very well in that regard. I’m actually getting very used to someone pickup after me and, heaven forbid, make my bed everyday. I actually cooked last night. It had 5 ingredients and required backing. Actually, I couldn’t find the recipe and after eating it I am sure that it was supposed to have more than 5 ingredients because it didn’t taste that great, not bad, but not good either. Anyway, I digress. I only piled the dishes in the sink with some water so the food wouldn’t get stuck on and left them instead of washing them or putting them into the dishwasher. Yes, mild guilt over it, but not so guilty I didn’t do it.

I know that I am so fortunate that get so see and feed Max during the day. Maybe I would be more focused if I was getting out and separated more often.

I’m still thinking about trying for another next year. The thought of weaning Max in a few months depresses me though. I keep telling myself to cross that bridge when I am there. We may both be ready by then. My dr., the one that I saw yesterday, has a 5 ½ month old, and said that she is stopping. She said that both she and the baby are ready for that now. I hope that will be the same for Max and I.

I guess I am just in a bit of a funk.

Have I mentioned how tired I am?

Monday, December 05, 2005

Where’s Debbie been?

What has Debbie been up to lately?

A. Having a three day battle with exterior Christmas light, getting extremely frustrated and regretting even starting the project after seriously thinking about not even putting up lights in the first place this year

B. Tending to her young son who has been boycotting sleep the last few days, including waking up at 5 am on the weekend wide awake and ready to play and be entertained and only napping for 10 – 30 min. at a time then waking up screaming

C. Visiting/Talking with IRL family and friends, including but not limited to discussing what jerks the guys in their life are and, for those not married to the jerks, why they should/should not/did break up with them

D. All of the above