Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Blah’s

The swimmer’s are all in one locale - the clinics. Thus, avoiding a $110 storage charge for 3 months of storage. So, I have 5 vials. Found out the donor has about 20 total, but only 10 of good quality. A letter went out last week that they are “cleaning house” and getting rid of vials of donors no longer in the program and, basically, last chance to purchase my donor. I asked the nurse practitioner what is the cut off date for a decision and she said a few months. I may never be able to use them, but gosh darn it, don’t want them destroyed either. I guess I will wait a month or two see if I get any kind of response before deciding to spend a small fortune on something likely I will never need.

As I was out and about, playing hooky from work all morning, I was thinking about whether I may be mildly depressed. Truly, all I wanted to do today was lay in bed and read a book. I think more likely, I just have the blah’s.

I used to get so happy every time I went to the clinic. Now, it just makes me sad and feel like crying. I stopped in my nurse coordinators office while on my way out to confirm my consult with Dr. A over the weekend and to get lab slips for my beta next week and cd3 labs for my next cycle. She asked me how I was doing. I said fine, but really felt like bursting into tears. I changed the subject instead. Even though I wasn’t going there for a procedure or to even see a doc, it was still very hard and makes me sad. Dr. P’s birthday was this weekend. All I could think about was how she was doing and how hard it likely was to not have Dr. N there. Ugh, blah, blah, blah…just makes me really sad is all. It is still so tragic. I wish it never happened and that he was still here. His death affected me deeply. Mostly, I get on getting on since he wasn’t a part of my every day life/route. But, going to the clinic is hard.

While driving, I was really hoping and praying that I really did get pregnant this cycle even though it was against the odds and I really don’t think so, because it would mean that I would get to stop going there for a good long time, if not forever. I’m not ready to give up, and I’m not ready to go someplace else (like anyone else would want to take me on). I so dread anything to do with that place these days. It’s just another sign of how likely I will never have another bio child and reminds me all over again about how much I really liked and respected Dr. N and how much I miss him.

To add to my mood. 1) My new (bought within the last year) vacuum isn’t working as discovered by Ana, the lady that cleans my house every two weeks. 2) My new washing machine isn’t working as discovered by Noemi when if flooded the just cleaned kitchen floor. It stopped mid cycle and now won’t do anything. It’s just dead. My cousin called to tell me that I need to turn in paperwork by tomorrow in order to be a “sponsor” for her daughter who is getting confirmed in April. I told her no way I could get the letter from my church, that I haven’t been to in months and months, so I sent her the URL to the church and told her she could get it herself or write one…what a great example to set for her daughter, huh? 4) It is a rainy, gloomy day here. It fits my mood.

So, I haven’t laid in bed today feeling sorry for myself and reading. But, I am feeling a bit down today. Life goes on. Life is for the living, but some days it is easier than others.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

Monday, January 29, 2007

Feeling Pissed Off

I’m feeling pissed off and it is only Monday. I really do (mostly) like my job, but have been dreaming more and more about being independently wealth (or marrying rich …HAHAHAH) and being able to be a stay at home mom. Hmmm, I know I have said it before, but before Max, I never thought I would feel that way, after having him, I could easily do it and love it.

Last Monday night, I bit the bullet and worked late after I put Max down to get caught up on this task that had been hanging over my head. I got an email today that said the database was corrupted and all data entered within the time frame I did mine, is lost, gone, has to be redone. F’ing pisses me off. I just finally get caught up work wise for a day or two until we actually start delivering the performance reviews for our employees and now I need to find MORE time to go back and do work that not only did I already do, but I did so at personal sacrifice to myself. Yes, while I could be working on it now instead of bitching and moaning about it, I need a day or two to cool off over this. Ugh!

In other news, having a bit of a hard time getting used to the glasses. The big problem is that I have found that I don’t just “read”. I tend to read a bit and then look around, like at the clock across the room which is now blurry. Or, from my work computer, to my home computer, to out the window. This is problematic. And, I get a weird glare (from the lenses). What I have found is that they do magnify things and make them clearer (like they are supposed to) close, but I’m getting headaches from the blurriness caused by looking at other things and tacking them on and off every two minutes is a pain. They seem to work best if I close my eyes, put them on, and open them while only looking at what I want to read. Then, taking then closing my eyes and taking them off before I look anyplace else. But, easier said than done.

Max and I have a very nice weekend. We actually had zero social commitments and didn’t leave the house except to walk the dog twice a day and/or play in the yard (rain, mud puddles, etc.). I didn’t run any errands (although I probably should have). I even hardly talked on the phone. I think we both needed a quiet weekend together. We worked on an art project each day (putting stickers and crayons on a blank sheet of paper), we listened and danced and sang to the CD from the music class he started taking last Monday. It was the first time I had listened to it or that we had listened to it together. I think we both liked it. We played numerous silly games like “It’s raining socks” and “Squish, Squish”…don’t ask, they are made up spur of the moment games. We watched a bit of TV and listened to music.

It dawned on me sometime last week when Max kept asking for Football on the TV, that he maybe only like the background noise so instead of always putting that on, I’ve been putting music on from the cable stations and most of the time, he is fine with that. So, I think I was right, he just wants the noise, which I’m not thrilled with because I don’t particularly like a TV or radio on all the time, but am willing to go with the flow and he is asking for it on less and less since I haven’t restricted it. Hey, I try not to say “no” when I don’t have to because the battles have already started on that and trying to get his way.

The other day he was playing basket ball in the house which involves him picking up a ball, climbing onto the recliner chair and throwing the ball to the hoop. He decided that he was tired of “chasing” his own balls and started pouting to try to get me to do it for him. Oh man, you should have seen it, classic. Made me laugh. I did get it for him that once, but told him that was it and I wasn’t going to chase his balls down for him. He sighed and climbed out of the chair to go fetch his own ball the next time with a sigh.
In fertility related news, I keep forgetting about my progesterone…especially the morning one over the weekend. Sigh. There are whole pockets of time where I completely forget I am in a 2ww and all. I’m moving sperm tomorrow morning to avoid getting charged a storage fee at my sperm bank. And, I have a follow up consultation with Dr. A about next steps/protocol next Saturday. Beta is a week from today.

Okay, not feeling quite so pissed about the work thing, but not going to do it for another day or two on a matter of principle and let them complain about it not being done. I dare them.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Week In Review

I almost can't believe that another whole week has passed. Time is really flying. I'm actually writing this Thursday night from my work laptop while sitting in bed because I felt like getting my thoughts out, but couldn't stand one more minute in my office. As such, it won't be posted until Friday sometime. Really, nothing significant going on, just the minutia of life.

I triggered last Friday night for a Sunday IUI and was so tired that at 9:07 pm I set my alarm for 9:55 because I knew I just couldn't stay away another minute and didn't want to miss it I was back asleep by 10:15.

Saturday, Max boycotted taking Shadow for the first time since he was born. He just threw a royal fit when I put him in the stroller and didn't snap out of it by the time I got a house or two away. Since it was still early 7am ish, I decided not to force the issue turned around. Instead, he used the time to take a nasty fall, biting his lip and getting blood all over me, him, and everything around us. Of course, when it first happened, I didn't know it was just the lip and got a bit freaked. I'm not really squeamish, but the whole blood thing…especially when it is coming from the mouth and through the teeth unnerves me a bit. We ended up taking Shadow with us out to the park for an hour or so before nap time. Then, I spent a good part of the afternoon getting blood out of everything and doing laundry. Ugh.

Sunday, we got up early, I stopped by the bank on the way to the park for our early morning walk to get cash for Noemi this week and found out that I was overdrawn. Damnit! I obviously made a mistake someplace, but haven't found time to fix it. Then, it was the mad rush to get us ready and out the door for my IUI. Then, I dropped a bunch of baby stuff off to a friend who is expecting twins soon and spend the afternoon visiting with another friend who has twins Max's age. Max had no nap (left at 9 am and didn't get home until 4:30 pm) so it was a mad rush to get the dog walked, Max dinner, and to bed early. The funniest and scariest thing that happened on Sunday was in the wind down period before bed, I was talking on the phone to a friend while Max played and the cat came to cuddle for a bit. He was so starved for attention, he even let Max near him and pet him for a bit before he took off. Max, being completely overtired, started to cry and chase him. City Boy took refuge outside through the doggie door and Max went right out after him. It took me about 10 - 20 seconds to realize this happened because I only heard the one "flap", but things got too quiet too fast so I went to investigate. As I got to the kitchen door to go find Max, I hear Max start to cry like he was hurt, but I couldn't find him. Finally, I realize that the sound is coming from the front courtyard and I run across the house to open the front door and Max is standing at the gate that City has just gone under out of reach. The whole thing took less than a minute. Max must have been giving City a run for his money to get around the house that fast. You have to know my house layout to truly appreciate the distance and logistics involved. Thankfully, Max has not attempted to go through the doggie door again.

Monday, I worked all day. Took a short break to spend some time with Max after Noemi left and Max went to bed. Then, I worked for a few more hours on a task long over due and pushed through and completed it even though I was so fricken tired because Max woke up somewhere in the 3 o'clock hour. He fell back to sleep for a bit, but I was just drifting off when hw woke up for good. Big relief to have another big work item hanging over my head from last year done. I escaped work for an hour to go to the eye doctor and found out that I do indeed need reading glasses. Diagnosis - slight stigmatism (eyes not exactly round per the doc when I asked what that meant). The only good news in this is that my insurance is pretty decent and my out of pocket f ore the exam, the lenses, and the frames was only $50. Glasses are not yet ready so I have not started using them.

Tuesday, a friend came over after I put Max to sleep and we watch the State of the Union and various media coverage like the democratic rebuttal that I had taped from an hour or so earlier. Then, we watch a bit of live coverage until we both had enough. So, it was another late night for me after another early morning with Max again waking up exceedingly early. As I was climbing into bed, I realized I hadn't seen the cat in awhile and he usually is around when this friend is over trying to win her over. I find out that he is locked in the garage again. I say again because a week or so ago, he got locked in the garage overnight without me realizing it. To defend myself, the first time it happened, my niece was still living with us and it was common that City would spend the first part of the night with her and then move to my room during the middle of the night so I didn't think anything of it when he wasn't around when I went to sleep. He seems no worse for the experience with the only lasting sign of the ordeal the paper towels I put over the pee in the garage that I have not yet picked up/cleaned up (because I want to wash the cement to get the smell/scent out to discourage "marking" in the future.

Wednesday. Hump Day. Mom came to dinner. I don't really remember much about Wednesday except the ottoman in the living room broke.

Today, Thursday, after a busy morning and early afternoon I played hooky and went to the grocery store since I will soon be out of milk, which is not a good thing. Makes me miss my niece all the more because she was really great about stopping for "the basics" like milk and eggs and such while she was out. My timing was off because I ended up trying to leave the grocery store right as the high school across the street was letting out. PITA! Made a mental note to not do that again. I got home right as Max and Noemi were going to the park. Since Max saw me, there was no way he wanted to leave so we let him play in the car while I unloaded the groceries. Then, he played while Noemi and I got everything put away. Then, Noemi walked Shadow and Max for me while I made dinner (Taco's), returned a few phone calls, ordered refills for some of Shadows meds, and tried to find my cell phone head set/blue tooth ear piece which must have fallen out of my purse at the grocery store. Damnit! I just bought that a month or so when I washed my last cell phone in the laundry. Another $100 gone. Getting back to dinner, I really don't know why I bother actually trying to cook a meal or offer Max a variety because he seems like like what I make in reverse proportion to how much effort I put into it. He took one bite and spit it out. So, Max had a quesadilla and peas instead and I guess I will be having left overs for a day or so. After Max went to bed, I fixed the broken ottoman and the dryer while thinking about how many things have broken or I have lost recently, the most expensive of which is my 1/2 carate diamond earring which still hasn't turned up and my patio table breaking in the wind storm a week or so ago.

Still left to fix is the toilet in my bathroom which started "running" and not filling properly right after my last trip to the hardware store to replace the latch/knob on my front door. Since I haven't had time to get the replacement part and/or fix it, I have had to turn the water off behind the toilet and then turn it back on when I need to flush it. Yes, another PITA (pain in the ass) situation. I also have to try to figure out how to put the cover back on the smoke detector after I replaced the battery a few weeks ago. It really shouldn't be that hard, but apparently, I can change the lock on my door, repair my dryer, fix the broken ottoman, but am incapable of putting a cover on a fire alarm. I best not dwell on that because it pisses me off, but I have been too busy and too frustrated to attempt it again.

Underlying things that have happened that cover the week is that Max is really starting to add new words to his vocabulary. He started saying "ci-ty" for our cat and "sha" for our dog shadow. I've also been thinking about how well he can communicate with his limited vocabulary. More is one of his favorites. Even used when he wants something that he hasn't just had like more phone, more light switch, more football (which can mean he actually wants to watch football or it could just mean that he wants to watch TV in general). However, NO and UP are probably used most often with football and more being in the top 5. I should note that he also calls all of his plethora of balls "football" and he calls basketball hoops footballs, include the two we have inside for him. The other day, I was sitting with Max and he was kind of hugging me (this has actually happened a few times) and he didn't want me sitting there or wanted me to get up and hold him touch something, so he held my shoulders and pulled and said, no, no, no (like no sit) until I got up and figured out what he wanted. For some reason, this week as I look at Max in spite of the lack of sleep that has been more prevalent this week than in quite some time I am just amazed. He is growing and changing so quickly. His face has filled out and changed a bit and he is just so cute and charming. His face is so expressive. He is funny and entertaining and so fun to be around even with the exerting of his will and the tantrums and such. Probably, the biggest problem right now is being a prisoner in my office when he is home during the day with his nanny. I used to be able to come out and say a quick hi and then go back to work. He is in such a mommy phase that it is better for him to not see me.

Another big thing on my mind this week was whether or not I even ovulated even though I triggered because my left ovary was sore enough this week that it could have just been a cyst and not an egg producing follicle. I thought about holding out on taking progesterone and getting a 7 dpo p4 test to see if I even ovulated, but decided to just start the progesterone, not worry about the blood draw since no matter what it said I would likely continue the progesterone until I have a beta that confirms that the cycle was a bust. As I ponder scenarios like this, I just continue to miss Dr. N. I just don't feel like I can email Dr. Q or Dr. A like I could Dr. N. Actually, the fact that the clinic was closed this weekend and I ended up doing the IUI at the sperm bank worked out for the best. Dr. N did every single IUI that I have had so far. I found it much easier to have the nurse practitioner do it at a completely different place than to have it done in the clinic without Dr. N. As I was getting groceries today, I was reminded of my early craving for lobster bisque on the cycle I conceived Max and how a friend said she figured I was pregnant when I told her about it (and that I had it for breakfast right as soon as I got home with it) and it kind of made me sad and happy remembering it at the same time. Yes, I did have a taste for taco's tonight and made them, but after having one, it really didn't taste good. Actually, this has probably been one of the easiest 2 ww that I have had. I mostly have forgotten that I am in even though it is in the back of my mind wondering (if that makes sense), probably since I am greater than 98% sure that it didn't work. The odds were so low given the poor lining, the possibility that it was a cyst, the fact even if it was an egg producing follicle the likelihood of the egg being "good" is incredibly small, etc. But, the chance is better than zero and my ovaries actually did something. Not much, but something. THAT makes me happy.

One of the blogs I have been following must have gone off air this week and a few others I have kept up with in the past have been inactive. While reading one of the few I keep up with that is updated regularly, I linked to a blog and linked to another blog and found Dr. Bitch. I spent several hours I don't have reading past posts about her open marriage, her boyfriend, and such. I ended up spending countless hours I didn't have this week browsing her site. I find her and her blog fascinating and it has made me think in a way I haven't in awhile. I have regretted not having more time as her site has left me wanting to read more, it is like a book I wasn't able to put down. She seems like such an interesting woman who is so completely different from me in thought and action. She is from "academia" which I never realized or even thought about, but what appears to be a strong sub-culture much like the single mom by choice one and the infertility one, but bigger. For the first time ever, I was able to understand what my ex-boy friend said when he didn't think cheating or infidelity was personal. Fidelity and "cheating' were one of the big sticking points in that relationship. Dr. B was able to explain her position in such a way, that I think I "get " it, finally 10 (15? 20?) years later. In addition to the content, her blog has got me wondering whether or not she actually type our Pseudonymous Kid (in reference of her son who seems to be at least 4 - 5 years older than Max) or if her program fills in the word after a few keystrokes and how she doesn't use abbreviations or short hand (must be the teacher in her) that I use and is used prevalently in my work and in the fertility and single mom sites I frequent. And, I am a bit in awe that she physically has time to work in what seems to be an interesting, but challenging job, have a child, a husband, AND a boyfriend when work and Max and trying to keep the house running with the support of nanny has been fried these days. Yes, her work seems to have more flexible hours and her son is older, but still… Anyway, one of the reasons I haven't posted this week is because most of my free computer time was immersed with Dr. B. Unlikely that I will ever be able to totally catch up (she started her blog in 2004, has posted regularly, and her posts tend to be long…yeah, I know….I have a propensity for that as well, but what I have been able to read has me interested and hooked in wanting more. Ugh, just what I need, another time waster, but I feel like I need to fill in the gaps. It is like a story that is unfished, even though I know the end (in that I have read her posts from the beginning of the year) but don't have the history and the story that came before, just snippets, but I'm still left without the whole. Truly a fascinating perspective that is so polar in almost any way to me and my life.
So, that's it, my week. Mostly mundane, somewhat philosophical, very busy, and not much sleep. No big plans for this weekend. Need to do a few errands (pick up meds for Shadow and make a Costco run) but other than that, quiet. I'm looking forward to it since the last few have seem so packed.

TGIF. It has been a long and tiring week.

Friday, January 19, 2007


Quick highlights of today.

!00% of my employees performance reviews are written. What a relief. Have to review a few of them still with there direct day to day leader, but the bulk is done and only minor editing now. Whew!

On whim, I called RE’s to schedule an u/s appt. early next week (cd 9 today) to see if anything was going on with my ovaries. They couldn’t get me in, but I rushed in today and have a follicle at 25 on my left. Office is closed, but triggering tonight to do an IUI Sunday morning at sperm bank with nurse practitioner. My lining was low and probably the egg quality sucks, but it is a chance. And, there is some life in my ovaries. Yipee!

Made eye appointment for Monday. Getting lots of headaches and eye strain. Don’t remember when I last had eye exam. Think I may need glasses. Yuck!

Max woke me up at 3:45 this morning. He went back to sleep for a bit, then whimpered in his crib until about 5:15 am when I got us both up. Tired!

My niece moved out today. It has been planned, but I’m going to really miss her. She actually was a perfect roommate and gave me hope that I could successfully live with another adult at some point in my future if it is the right person. Boo hoo! (on her leaving) Yeah!! (that it worked out so well for me, her, and Max).

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Forks and Praise

I’d like to talk about forks today. As I tell Max, forks are eating utensils. LOL. Yes, I really do tell him that just like I tell him spoons and chop sticks are eating utensils. I’m sure that I do talk down or baby talk to him sometimes, but I really try not to.

Max has started using a fork, a “real” one, the last few days. By “real” I mean a salad fork out of a normal place setting that has “sharp” pointy teeth on it. I have been offering him a fork or spoon depending on the meal on and off for a month or two now, but he really “got it” a few days ago… Saturday evening, if I remember correctly, because I gave him half a piece of birthday cake for dessert from the birthday party that we attended that afternoon, but left early as they were eating cake (as all the other kids were 3 or almost 3 and able to nicely sit around the table, Max was starting to get over stimulated, and it was time to get home and walk Shadow, have dinner, do the evening wind down routine). Anyway, Max was able to scoop up the cake as it easily stuck to the fork and get it into his mouth…for the first time. This was encouraged by me yelling “Bravo, Bravo, my son, well done. That’s exactly how you use a fork.” while I was clapping. Since Max is a total ham and will do just about anything for encouragement and praise, he kept doing it, getting more praise. Then, his cousin came out and added to the praise, much to his smiley delight and he had to show her how he could use the fork and she added to the clapping and verbal praise.

He can’t always get the food on the fork so either I will help him by “loading” it or he will pick up some food, put it on the fork with his fingers, then eat it. Very funny. He has started to put the food and fork near his mouth or just in his mouth without actually taking the food off while looking at you to see if THAT will get praise too in kind of a teasing fashion. Gosh this kid just makes me laugh. At such an early age, I can tell he has a good sense of humor and fun. And, yes, has to test, test, test every last thing. LOL.

Anyway, since my flight was cancelled, I got home yesterday as Max was eating breakfast and was signing “more”. Since I hadn’t yet had breakfast, I made some eggs for us* and gave him a fork to use. Noemi seemed a bit worried about this and took out one of the plastic kid forks we have and told me that these were “better” for the baby. I just smiled and told her that they aren’t as sharp and he can’t get the food as easily on them and reassured her that I only gave him the “real” forks when I was sitting with him watching him to make sure he didn’t puncture an eye or severely injure himself. I had to laugh and it reminded me of a conversation I had in Target a few months ago with a mom who was complaining that they only made decent metal spoons (or something like that) for kids and she couldn’t find any decent metal forks. I just nodded and wished her luck in her search because she also seemed horrified with the idea of giving a kid (and hers were several years older than Max by the looks of them) a regular fork.

I guess it is just me, but with proper supervision, I think it helps and it is easier to use. The whole thing just makes me smile. It’s not that I want Max to grow up too fast, but I also don’t want to baby him. Within the last week, he has been “ready” to use eating utensils (my friend said he was using a spoon while eating lunch at the baby shower we hosted on Sunday, but I didn’t see him) and I am just encouraging him and coaching him, which is what I think my job is as a parent. And, we both have fun with it. You should see his face light up when I praise him with “Bravo” for eating with a fork or “Wahoo” when making a basket or “Thank you for making beautiful music for your momma” when he plays the piano. He gets this big ole smile on his face, and of course, wants to do it again, and again, and again. If there is more than one person around, he will look to make sure everyone is watching and praising him.

Some times, he will be doing something he feels especially proud of and will start clapping for himself and look at you until you start clapping as well. Or, if I just give the verbal praise, but don’t clap, he will start clapping (even if it means putting down the fork or ball or whatever) to do so. Very, very funny.

I just love seeing him grow and develop. He is already growing up so fast. I try to remember to cherish the small moments now even as I can’t help but wonder what kind of boy, teenager, and man he will become.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many things about this stage that can be annoying like his new found fondness for being held to go along with the ‘up, up, up, up, up” that he follows you around saying until you do pick him up. It’s not so much that I mind except that he doesn’t really want to be held for mommy cuddles, he just wants access to more things like the buttons on the new VCR/DVD player Santa brought me for Christmas, or the basketball hoop that his Aunt Kris got him for Christmas, or the light switch so he can turn it on and off and on and off. And, I tire of these “games” much quicker than he does. Unless I have something really pressing to do, I try to reach my limit, then push myself to double it, and then double it again before putting him down while subtly trying to get him interested in something else or blatantly pushing him towards a new activity. **

Anyway, just thought I would share a new Max milestone since it has been on my mind and we have been having fun at mealtime with it.

* When I made the eggs, Noemi told me that he already had 4 waffles (small ones that amount to smaller than a piece of toast) and some fruit. She was shocked when I told her he could easily eat 8 or 9 and saw him eat what amounted to almost 2 eggs, a half piece of toast, and 2 small lil’ smokey sausages in addition to what she gave him. He may be skinny, but the kid can and does eat, unless he is not feeling well or is going through a non-eating phase which does happen about every 6 weeks or so.

** Like when we were at the Birthday party on Saturday and Max was in the kid room with just one other kids, who was at least a year or two older than Max was and who kept taking all the “balls” way from Max. After a few times of referring this, it was getting old and I said in a really happy upbeat voice, “Hey, Max, look what’s going on in this room over here. Let’s go see what the kids are doing over here.” as I walked out of the room with Max following behind me to see what he may be missing out on. The best part was the dad who was also in the room with his son (the one taking the toys away) who had been wanting to get out of that room but his son wouldn’t leave asking, “does that really work?” and tried it with his son and it did. LOL.

Monday, January 15, 2007


I guess sometimes wishes do come true. I got to the airport this morning and my flight was cancelled. No flights to my destination until at least tomorrow night. Called my boss who said, go home, don’t bother. He wasn’t even sure if he or anyone else who wasn’t already there could get in. Likely, it is all totally cancelled and maybe rescheduled for February.

Now, in the whole scheme of things, I would have rather my wish for a second baby had come true.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Fat and Frumpy

I just finished packing for my trip and am waiting on a load of laundry for a shirt that I decided I wanted to take. Everything is just a tad too tight including the shoes. There is not one day where the outfit completely fits the way I would like or feel completely comfortable. If I don’t button the buttons on two of the pairs of paints, they aren’t too bad. The most comfortable pair, I’m wearing tomorrow with a shirt that tugs right across the belly since tomorrow is going to be an incredibly long day. The other two tops fit fine, but will be worn with pants that are snug across the middle. However, one of them are short sleeves and the high in Texas is supposed to be in the 30’s while I am there. Great! So, I’m going to have to take the only coat I have which is an insolated gortex rain coat that is a bright lime green. Very professional – NOT. The last two times I traveled I was either pregnant or had delivered Max in a reasonable amount of time (was still breastfeeding so he must have been about 6 months?) to still be carrying extra baby weight. Sadly, I think I am actually heavier now since I have gained weight since I stopped breastfeeding. It’s almost enough to make a person cry if they were in that kind of mood. Oh well, I guess I will have to grin and bear it and pretend that I don’t know that I am a fat frumpy person.

Since I had a busy weekend with very little time, the lock on the front door broke and you can no longer enter through it. You can leave through it if you (only) twist the handle to the left. I spent Max’s nap on Saturday trying to fix it, but think it is beyond repair and will need to be replaced. That’s on tap for next weekend. Then, got back after a busy day helping to host a friends baby shower (left at 9:15 am and didn’t get home until about 4 pm) to find one of my sprinkler values leaking. Since I didn’t and won’t have time to call my yard guy, I just turned off the water value that feeds to those sprinklers until I get home. I can and have replaced sprinkler values, but it is too messy and a pain to try to do with Max around and in cold weather so I’ll be contracting out for that repair. Then, I’m in my office to get my suitcase and pack up my work stuff/computer and discovered that the battery in the smoke detector is going and needs to be replaced. So, I have to haul in the ladder and will have to do the same thing again when I get home since it takes a 9V of which I don’t have (the ONLY size I don’t currently have an abundance of).

I really wish I didn’t have to go. The thing is, I could have told them no. It would have my life so much easier, but it would have been the wrong thing to do. So, I will make the best of it after I ball my eyes out tomorrow morning when I leave. I had to really stop myself tonight when I put Max down and was telling him that when he wakes up, Mommy will probably be gone on a business trip for a few day and I won’t see him for a few days. I need to leave the house at 5 am and he should still be sleeping. Oh, I am going to miss him so much. As busy as my life is and as tired as I usually am at the end of the day, I really don’t want to be living another one. I love being a mommy. I’m going to miss him so.

The days are going to be really long while I am there, that will help in a lot of ways, but having too tight clothes about the belly will be a constant reminder of him since I was overweight before, but not as squishy in the middle. Sigh. And, I can’t really call to check in him because Noemi’s cell phone isn’t working and she doesn’t/won’t answer the house phone. And, even she did her English still isn’t that great and she would just tell me, “The baby’s fine. I take good care of him. I love him. Everything’s fine.” At least that’s what I hope. I’m a tad worried because Max developed a nasty rattly sounding cough this morning right before we left for the baby shower, he clearly wasn’t feeling that great today, and he got no nap today. I have the Vicks vaporizer set up in his room and spiked his bedtime milk with Tylenol and Benadryl and that has helped keep the cough to a minimum. I just hope he doesn’t get worse. I left my cell number and the home, cell, and office numbers for my friend who is a pediatrician and speaks Spanish’s. Yes, bad enough I have to leave the guy at all, but now he is sick, teething, and already been in a mommy, mommy, only want mommy phase since my Christmas vacation.

Okay, clothes are now in dryer and the alarm will wake me up very early if Max, a barfing cat, or a restless dog don’t first. I must go to bed. And, I will be repeating the mantra…”All will be fine. He will survive, you will survive. Maybe it isn’t ideal, but all will be fine”. Of course, I told him that while I was leaving him. I would be back. After the freak accident with Dr. N, I almost started crying and said a quick prayer to allow me to keep my word on that. Plus, I still don’t have my living will and trust in place. Must. Do. That. Soon. Really, really must.

Signed, Fat and Frumpy Deb who really must do something soon to try to loose some weight and this squishy round tummy that sadly looks like I could be pregnant like I really wish I was.

Friday, January 12, 2007


Max vomited last night while sleeping again. And, was fussy* a bit this morning, but I think that was because it was really cold on our walk this morning, colder than I thought it would be and I forgot/didn’t think to bring his mittens and don’t think he was dressed warm enough. Once I got him warmed up, he was basically fine the rest of the day. He has no fever. My theory is that he is teething again. He is getting some mammoth back teeth in. Last month, they were the upper teeth** and this month the lower ones are coming in. They are huge. They look like adult teeth in a small child’s mouth. His poor gum is all red and swollen. I think what is happening is that since his teeth are bothering him, he is putting his fingers in his mouth while he sleeps causing him to gag and vomit. He has actually put his fingers in his mouth and started to gag a few times during the day, but Noemi and I tell him to stop, take them out, and he is more easily distracted. I didn’t come up with this theory until this afternoon after his nap, where he did not vomit, but really hadn’t eaten anything today to vomit up. He still really wants his milk, but refused dinner (chicken and rice). Then, wanted to snack on “fish” which he put right on the gums and I think made them feel a bit better. I gave him a teething toy he had never really used, but we have had forever and he did gnaw on that happily for several minutes. I spiked his milk tonight with some Tylenol. We will see how things go. It is just kind of odd that no one (including me who he has been “sharing” his milk with at night) has gotten sick and he is only vomiting at night. It’s an odd symptom, but I think it is the teeth. Poor guy. I hope they get in soon because it looks really sore.

Since I am going out of town next week, I typed up Max’s daily routine and tried to post it, but I have it in a table and the formatting is all screwed up so I’m not going to bother. I thought about scanning it and posting it as a picture, but I’m too tired and it feels like too much effort.

* screamed for the last few minutes of our walk and for about 10 minutes after we got home, which isn’t like him, until I had a soothing DVD on and we cuddled in the rocking chair under a warm blanket for awhile

** when he vomited for the first time ever a few times and again only in his sleep

Thursday, January 11, 2007

cd 43 --> cd 1

Just to prove that I have no clue as to what is going on from a female reproductive standpoint, I started my period today. The bad cycle that just wouldn’t end, finally did come to an end. I think I might email one of the RE’s, but I think this means that the progesterone results are meaningless and/or inconclusive. I went back and counted days from when I had the cervical mucus and thought I might have finally ovulated and it is well within range taking into consideration my luteal phase defect and all. I’m thinking about going on BCP’s for a month instead of oh natural. I’m going to ask the RE for his opinion on that as well. I have a few days to decide.

In work news, I have been busting my but to get all of the annual performance revies written in our corporate tool before it was “locked” tomorrow. I found out that we only have to have one part done by tomorrow and that the tool doesn’t lock for a few more weeks. I’m at about 75% complete and think I can get to at least 85 – 90% by tomorrow close of business. So, I am taking the night off. I’ve been working all day, spending a few hours with Max before I put him to bed, then working another few hours. I’m fried. I probability could actually be 100% by tomorrow if I put in another 3 – 4 hours tonight, but I would be pushing it I would have done it if I HAD to be done tomorrow, but I don’t.

In Max news, he vomited while taking a nap today. Seemed fine afterwards. He was a bit clingy and mommy, mommy, mommy today, but he has been a bit like that ever since the holiday’s were over and I’ve been back to work and hard, hard at work, with no breaks during the day. Often, I will take a 10 – 15 min. break after he eats lunch to cuddle with him and put him down for his nap. Then, when he wakes up, I will spend another 5 min. or so with him before Noemi takes him out to the park. And, he is just growing and developing so fast. This afternoon I was on the phone with one of my bosses when Max woke up from his nap. Then, Noemi put him straight into the tub since he had vomit all over him (was laying/sleeping in it for the duration of his nap). After that, I heard a rattle at my office door and in he comes. I’m in trouble. He has figured out how to turn the knob. He let himself in. My boss and I had a good laugh on that one. Good thing the door actually has a lock, because I may need it sometimes.

The Christmas pictures we took on New Years day are back already. I’ll have to see about getting them scanned and posted soon. First, I have to find time to pick them up or see if my niece can do it.* Ugh, life is so busy right now. Social engagements both days this weekend and then out of town for work next week. I guess I am going to just get a whole lot more tired. I can’t remember the last time I had caffeine and I don’t normally have any at all, but I have seriously thought about it a few times these last few days.

* She has been so darn good about things like that. She stopped today and got cat food for me. Big relief. I was completely out…of the hairball control kind. I have a back up back of the non-hairball, but he starts vomiting up hairballs if I don’t give him hairball control so all and all, a good thing for us all.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

P4 = 0.5

Labs came back fast. No ovulation. Looks like no period next week while on trip. Nurse coordinator and I agreed I will induce next week after trip with 3 cc’s of PIO (progesterone in oil).

> 4 ovulation
> 10 needed to maintain a pregnancy
> 15 desired progesterone on a medicated cycle

Then, wait to see if I have a normal cycle next month. If so, do cd3 labs and try to cycle again.

Damn! Damn!! Damn!!!

Things are very screwed up here.

Monday, January 08, 2007

cd 40

Today is officially cycle day 40 in the bad cycle that will just never end. Dropped off blood at the lab to check progesterone level. Bypassed RE’s and went straight to nurse coordinator for lab slip. Best case scenario is that I ovulated New Years weekend. Worse case scenario is that my cycle is just royal fucked up. Of course, if I ovulated, I will be having my period while on my business trip next week. Nice. However, probably things are just fucked up and I will never cycle again.

Work extremely busy as am paying for not getting things done last year like I should have. A tad stressed. Okay, more than a tad. Eating way to much chocolate that I never should have bought in the first place.

And, fucking high winds forever here lately day after day after day. It is ridiculous. However, now it is more than annoying as it blew over my patio table today and broke the glass. I guess I will be trying to deal with that tonight in the dark after Max goes to sleep before I start working again.

Decided on the way to donate blood to the ttc cause that anything cycle related will likely put me in bad mood lately. Still miss Dr. N. A lot.

Feeling sorry for myself at the moment like no one cares. I know, I know. Not true. Hey, emotions don’t have to be reality based.

Okay, eating last piece of chocolate for the day (I swear) and back to work. Blah!

I have never, ever had irregular periods whether I ovulated or not. Since my very first period way back when. Cd40! 40!! 4….0…. I’m depressed enough that I think I need one more piece of chocolate. Okay, I don’t NEED one more piece as in who ever really needs chocolate. But, think I am going to have one so then I can just add lack of self control, being fat, and body issues to things to feel badly about.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


This was sent to me by a friend and posted with permission. I enjoyed the sentiment so much, I wanted to pass it on. This friend has a daughter a few months younger than Max. She is "T42 with IVF#4 likely to start in January 2007, who was almost ready to give up in January 2005". Her daughter was conceived on IVF#2 after 1 IVF and 6 IUIs.


"My Wish For You"

This year, I wish you "Shalom," in the fullest sense of the word. I studied Hebrew in seminary a few years ago and the word "Shalom" really resonated with me... and continues to resonate as I go through this process of trying to get pregnant. The word means "peace," but has a much fuller meaning than that one words suggests. There are seven variations and I have really thought and prayed over each of them over the past few years. Below is my wish for each of you in the coming year.... Please indulge me as I share my theological education with you. :)

My Wish for My SMC IF/TTC Friends in 2007

I wish you Shalom, in terms of peace in terms of completeness. May 2007 bring you peace in the completeness of your dreams to become a mother.

I wish you shalom, in terms of safety and soundness of body. May you and those you love remain safe and sound during 2007.

I wish you shalom, in terms of your welfare, health and prosperity. (This is the variation that is used when expressing pregnancy in the Bible!) May 2007 bring peace and healing to your body in whatever way is necessary. May prosperity find you and may everything be well in your welfare.

I wish you shalom, in terms of peace, quiet, tranquillity and contentment. May your heart and soul feel peaceful and calm in the coming year. May inner peace be a hallmark of your year.

I wish you shalom, in terms of peace in friendships and relationships. May your relationships flourish and may peace between you and all other people characterize this year.

I wish you shalom, in terms of peace from war. May you and those that you love remain safe from war in 2007. May our world become a more peaceful place for all children to live.

I wish you shalom, in terms of peace with God. Whatever your concept of a higher power, may it be one that brings you peace, comfort and strength.

Monday, January 01, 2007

First and Last

My ex-boy friend almost got a call last night, but I was tipsy and disorganized enough that I couldn’t find his number. He left a message around Christmas and I still haven’t gotten back to him so I figured I could just use the number in message history, but the area code/number didn’t look right. Then, figured that it was already late enough and talking to any kind of ex after drinking is usually not a great idea anyway. LOL.

Yes, I did open the bubbly last night. Good thing a friend came over to share it with me otherwise, I would have really been hurting today. We had a nice time. Just put some tunes on the TV/Digital Cable channel, drank some bubbly and talked. It was nice. So nice, that she left later than planned and I got to bed WAY later than planned. And, yes, I have been paying for it today. This is the second New Years Eve that this friend and I have spent together. We met in December 2004 when we were both doing an IVF attempt. She got OHSS and I got cancelled for poor response on the same protocol with the same RE. We met in the clinic lobby the first time when she was returning “the tank” with her swimmers and I was heading out with it to pick up mine. Then, we met a few weeks later at a Single Mom by Choice (SMC) get together. She only attended a few, but we have remained friends. Sadly, she is still struggling/waiting for her child. I hope this year brings her closer to the family of her dreams.

Max, of course, showed me no mercy with a 5 am wake up call. Then, took a crappy short nap so I didn’t get one of those either. But, the nap thing was my own fault because we had a play date with a local SMC who has a boy a month younger than Max and I got him home late and he was pretty wound up.

Max is really starting to talk in words that I think probably people other than me can understand. He used to say one for a few days, then move on and not use that other word again. Now, he is just talking more and more. Of course, momma is one of his favorites (smile), followed closely with mommy. Nana has been a big one since my mom stayed over Christmas weekend. He has also been saying “up”, “poo poo” and ‘pee pee”. LOL. “Football” has been also used quite a bit the last week and was thrilled to have the game on while trying to put his football into the basket ball hoop that still hasn’t made it back outside yet. I think I have even heard "santa" a few times (while walking or driving past houses with holiday decoratons/Santas, but it sounds a lot like "nana" so I could just be mistaken or projecting on that one, but don't think so.

I lost one of my diamond earrings the other day. The ones I splurged on and bought for myself for my 40th Birthday. I’m still holding out a small hope that it will turn up because the afternoon I lost it, we stayed in except for a walk around the block. Took that route in the daylight today and didn’t find it. Ana, the cleaning lady, comes tomorrow and I hope that maybe she will come across it. Otherwise, I am going to be majorly bummed out. I’ve been praying to St. Christopher (or is it St. Andrew) who is the patron saint of lost articles. So far, it hasn’t done any good, I’m hoping that isn’t because I’m praying to the wrong saint.

I’m stretching my vacation and have tomorrow off as well with the plan to take down Christmas decorations. The flaw in the plan is that I forgot that Ana was coming to clean. I contemplated actually trying to do it tonight and even brought the boxes in the house, but decided to screw it and just do it tomorrow with her here making it more difficult for both of us.

I didn’t have any huge revelations on the ttc front since yesterday other than to be pretty sure that stopping at one is likely not the answer. Nor, do I think is adoption. I think I’m just going to wait a few weeks to see if I did ovulate over the weekend and get a 7 dpo progesterone test. Maybe if I did ovulate, I’ll give another go trying to cycle with my own eggs which was my plan all along. But, I have been thinking if I have/want 3, it would probably be better to try sooner rather than later with donor egg so that I had 2 with DE. Just seems to be a bit better for family dynamics and all. If I go with my own eggs and actually do get another child, maybe I’ll stop there at two. Don’t really know. Just thinking and pondering and trying to work it out in my mind and through my emotions.

To end the post as I began it by talking about my ex-bf, I don’t know how we got on the subject, exactly, but we started talking about “our first” s-e-x experiences last night. Got to love the girl talk! And, a scrap book of my college years got brought out when my friend asked to see pictures of the ex. It brought up some really good memories and fun times. Made me smile. Is making me smile again just thinking about it. And, made me realize that the first guy I ever had sex with is also the last guy I had sex with. How funny is that? Yes, it has been awhile and there were others in between and he doesn’t even live in this state. And yes, while I just saw him a few weeks ago right after Thanksgiving, I didn’t lure him into the bedroom away from a full house(hmm, who was here…my youngest sister, my cousin, her husband, her daughter, his brother, a mutual friend, the friends sister, and of course, him, me and Max). I can be bold, but not quite that bold. LOL. I’m sure he would have LOVED a call from me last night while I was a bit tipsy, but glad that I didn’t actually make the call.

So, my new years toast is to the first’s, the last’s, and full circles. May the year be filled with friends, family, and laughter. And, may it bring us closer to our dreams, whatever they may be.

Thinking about the ex made me remember that often things end up working out the way they were supposed to or even better than you planned even if you can’t see it, it is too hard to believe it, or you don’t want to believe it at the time. Kind of like that country song about unanswered prayers.

As I told Max, today is a very special day. It is not only the first day of the month of January. It is the first day of the New Year. A year filled with infinite possibilities. To which he responded “Football”, Got to love it and laugh! Max really is all boy.

Happy New Year!!!!