Monday, November 12, 2007

cd 3. vd1

It may be cycle day 3, but what I'm most excited about is that today is vacation day 1. Then, why am I up at 5:15 am when said kid is still fast asleep? Habit I guess.

I'm so happy to be on vacation. I can't even tell you. We had a busy weekend, but still managed to get out the Christmas decorations. The tree is still in the garage and the ornaments mostly still boxed, but everything else is just out everywhere with no organization. I know, I know. It is terribly early, but I wanted to get it up while I'm on vacation; before the cycle; and so that Max can enjoy them longer. He had so much fun touching what he could; what I would let him. I decided not to put out my nativity scene because I really, really, really am fond of it and Max would want to touch it and it's glass and things would get broken. But, I got this one for children and got it put together last night. And, one of the animals, the donkey, is already lost somewhere amid the mess.

Since today is veterans day observed, Max's music class was canceled. We have no place to go or no one we have to see this morning. I'm looking forward to a rare morning home with Max.

Cycle wise, things are going well. Haven't forgotten anything. Still sleeping decent with the dex. Still feeling calm and peaceful about the whole thing.

It's funny. I've been going to church on a regular basis. Really regular, like weekly, instead of the regular, once or twice a month or so since Max is in Sunday school (which he loves, loves, loves and never wants to leave). It's actually very nice to attend mass without Max. It's calm. I'm able to pay attention. And, my friend is there since she put her kids in the Sunday school as well. Anyway, none of that is really the point. I have consciously not been taking communion. I haven't looked to closely at the churches teachings recently, but if IVF and fertility treatment is frowned upon and "sinful" than the whole DE/IVF has got to be even more sinful in the eyes of the church. I just didn't feel comfortable taking communion knowing that I planned to be sinful, in the eyes of the church, with no remorse, sorrow. Yesterday, during mass, I just had such a feeling of rightness and peace with the path I have chosen (and maybe I'm rationalizing here, but I really don't think so) that I figured that there is no way that this can be wrong. Not for me and my family. That if children were so important that if a husband died that his brother was to take on the wife for his own, as was the standard, apparently when the bible was written, that there is no way this could be sinful (and I don't really care what the church teachings are on the matter), but just more modern. I can really articulate it, but it was just this deep knowing I'm on the right path for me and my family. And, really, I think even if the outcome is not what I hoped and my family doesn't grow. It was the path and journey..."the calling"...I was suppose to take. The feeling was just so strong, so right, so peaceful. So, I surprised my friend when I did decide to take communion today.

The other thing I have thought is that if it is a sin, who is it a sin against. I can't see anyone getting hurt by this. So, the only sin would be against the church teachings which were put in place, by man, not by God. I can live with that. It may not be a choice others would make or even understand. They have the right to choose what's best for them and their family and I have the right to choose what is right for me and mine. And, I just KNOW to the core of my being that this path is the right one for me and mine.

Win or lose. I just know this was the path I was meant to take. I haven't felt such peace in quite awhile. I have to say. I like it.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I've thought a lot about the communion thing as well. Heck, we both CLEARLY are sinning seeing as not only are we getting pregnant by other means we are also both single mothers. (okay, you already but me soon). However I also feel that I am going to be (and you already are) a wonderful mother and we both are going to raise extraordinary children regardless of how we got pregnant and it would be a sin NOT to bring these wonderful children into the world.