IVF #1 Converted to IUI #4

I have been off the last few days coming to terms with my new reality of not doing an IVF this cycle. Ultimately, we decided to convert to IUI. I got a call Tuesday night saying to trigger at 4 am Wednesday morning. I only got a few hours of sleep that night and by 3 am I had convinced myself that I had already ovulated because the pressure in my ovary had lessened considerably, but did the trigger anyway as instructed. I called my dr. on Wednesday morning to tell him I thought I had ovulated. I love my dr. I really do. He did not tell me that I was being ridiculous, paranoid, or neurotic. He asked me why I thought that and when I told him that the pressure had lessened in my ovaries. He had me come in for an u/s. The u/s showed in fact that I had NOT ovulated, but he suggested doing an IUI which we did. He even humored me be telling me that the follicle may already be collapsing since it had reduced from 24 to 22. He told me not to loose hope that he would get me pregnant and a baby to take home if it was the last thing he did. He promised. I really needed to hear that yesterday. I know that he can’t be held to that promise, but I don’t think he would have said it if he didn’t really believe that it was possible. We talked about why I likely responded the way I had with a dominate lead follicle. I was worried that if I did have the tendency of a lead dominate follicle, like the last 2 cycles indicated, that there was nothing that could be done. He felt that Antigon (used for poor responders) would be more affective based on my results, not because of low ovarian reserve, but because my body seemed to be ignoring the meds because they were “just so powerful and strong”. He reminded me that it still could work for this cycle and that “stranger things have happened”.

I didn’t really feel anything in my ovaries over the last day or so. All of the pressure and bloating sensation was gone until I was driving into the clinic for my appointment today when I started feeling a pinching sensation on my left side which has been getting stronger since then. My u/s showed that the lead follicle had grown to 27 and that I still had not ovulated. He took the time to show me everything on the u/s machine and where he would see fluid if I had ovulated. They had the sperm all ready and washed and we did another IUI. He said he was pretty confident that I wouldn’t have ovulated. We both laughed and I thanked him for humoring me yesterday by doing the u/s and IUI anyway and that emotionally I really needed that after having the cycle cancelled. I could tell he really understood. He told me that he was really feeling good that this could work for me this month (even though my IVF was cancelled) and we talked about how the odds of me conceiving this month were just as likely as any of my prior cycles. I told him that I need a new plan in case this doesn’t work and we agreed to meet next week to talk it out. We talked a little more about how Antigon worked compared to Lupron and he explained at a high level the differences in how the two drugs worked. We agreed to talk more next week.

I also had a chance to talk to the financial coordinator while I was in the office. Based on what we were originally told by my insurance company, a 4th IUI is not covered which is why I moved to my one and only covered (80/20) IVF cycle. She will re-bill fee for service for everything from the start of this cycle and see what gets paid. She didn't want me to pay anything now and said that we would settle up later since at the start of this cycle I still had a $1K credit. She feels like since I have reached my out of pocket yearly max that she may still owe me at the end of the cycle. Now, that would be nice. It has almost been like I got the last 2 cycles free since I haven’t had to pay anything. Of course, I already paid the money up front, but that is money already spent and gone. It almost doesn’t count.

Now that the initial shock is wearing off and I am over my initial melt down, I have been mostly doing okay. A bit moody, but coming to terms with things. By nature, I am a pretty happy, optimistic person. I was feeling really down again on my drive into the clinic because I checked the cycle board for my clinic right before I left and one of the ladies I was cycling with posted the details of her retrieval and she was so happy about the results. I was happy for her, but sad for me. It just hit me again. Seeing my dr. and talking to the staff really cheered me up. I have the same chance of it working as my previous cycles. It could happen.

When I got home, I tortured myself by calculating the due date if it does work. It will be August, 25th 2005. Why do I do this? Why do I torture myself this way. After each loss/negative, I swear I am not going to do that again. After each insemination, I do. I can’t help myself. I have found that I like the due date calculator at http://www.ivf.ca/calcu.htm the best because it allows you to calculate by retrieval/ovulation instead of last menstrual period, which to me is much more accurate. It also gives you the dates you will enter each of the trimesters and typical prenatal testing periods.

So, I am officially in the 2ww. I start progesterone suppositories tomorrow. I didn’t schedule an appointment for my beta, just the consult. I’ll do that as the day gets closer. I’m somewhere in between the all hope is lost mentality when I found out the IVF was cancelled and optimism that this could work.

I do think the timing of today’s insemination was very, very good. Now, let’s hope it is one of the “good” eggs. This just could work. You can’t win if you don’t play the game.