IVF #1 - Canceled

My IVF Cycle was canceled today. I’m still in shock. I can’t believe it. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t thought that it could happen. I did think about it, but ruled it out. It was too unlikely of a scenario to even spend time contemplating. I feel like things just go from bad to worse the longer I am on this ttc journey. I knew the news wasn’t going to be good once Dr. N read out the size of the lead follicle - 24. Way too big for cd9. I had 5 follicle’s total all on my left ovary. My right one decided not to play this time around I guess. I knew the news would be worse the longer he looked around for something on the right. I had zero, nada, not one on the right. I really think I hate my right ovary, but I think it may be the one that has the good eggs. The only cycle my right ovary decided to show was for my second one, the one I got pregnant with and miscarried.

Let’s follow the history here…

Cycle 1, Protocol = 100 mg Clomid cd 3 - 7/LH Surge; U/S Results: cd10, R 8/L 9, 7; cd13, R 12/L13, 13, 9; cd 15, R 17/L 18, 16, 7; cd 17, R 19/L 18, 15, 9; cd 18, R 10/L23, 20 Result: Either BFN or Unconfirmed preg/early m/c

Cycle 2, Protocol = 100 mg Clomid cd 3 – 7/HCG Trigger; U/S Results: cd 9, R12/L10, 8; cd13, R18/L14/12 Result: Confirmed preg/early m/c

Cycle 3, Protocol 2 amps Repronex cd 3 – 10/HCG Trigger, U/S Results: cd9, R 13, 11/L 16, 10, 9; cd11, R15/L23, 18; cd 13, R zero/L23, 18 Result: BFN

Cycle 4, Protocol L5, U/S Results: cd9 R zero/L 24, 16, 13, 12, 10 Result: Canceled

I was given the following options:

1) Cancel and hope for better response for next time with a higher dosage protocol
2) Drain the lead follicle, stim longer and hope the others caught up before the 16 was ready
3) Continue and hope the 24 didn’t ovulate and/or affect the other follicles

Truly, I didn’t like any of these options. The most I would get were 1 – 3 eggs, maybe, if I was lucky. Not bloody likely. IVF is too expensive with those kinds of lousy odds. I asked about converting to IUI. It’s a long shot, but with $2K of meds invested I hate to not at least try. You can’t win if you don’t play the game. So, I am going to sink good money after bad and hope for a miracle baby. I am triggering tonight/tomorrow at 4 am and insemination will be Thursday at 4 if I haven’t ovulated before then and/or still have any follicles left. The only way this could work is if the 24 doesn’t ovulate and/or suck up the rest of the drugs and the 16 matures to like 20 by then. The 24 is a bust. It will be over mature. My only hope is that 16 follicle catching up and being the perfect maturity when I need it. The odds are so low it is not even funny, but better than zero.

I am so glad that I told so few people about even trying this. Making the few calls that I had to make were hard enough. I have some really great friends who are terrifically supportive. I will be taking them up on that support in the days to come. Tonight, I had to wallow in self pity.

I can’t even think about next steps right now. This process is so hard. I seriously thought a few times tonight that I am not sure that I can do this again. I know that is an emotional response to the huge disappointment. I am not ready to give up. I am not ready to quit. But, maybe I should. Maybe this is a sign that it just is not meant to be. Maybe I am not listening or open to the message. Now, is not a time for decision making. I can’t imagine never being a mom. I just can’t. If that’s the message I am NOT ready to hear it.

My left ovary is so sore that I can’t imagine I will not ovulate before Thursday. I was talking to a friend the other day about feeling bloated and sore when I realized I was feeling less so, especially on the right. I said that wasn’t a good thing and passed it off as being my imagination. Now, I know it wasn’t and my body is just a traitor. I really hate it right now, especially that right ovary. She is getting the majority of the blame in this. In case I haven’t said it. This process really sucks!!