Kool Aid Mom Wanna Be: My Family

I suppose my family is as normal and/or as dysfunctional as most. I thought I would give the lay of the land so to speak on whose who:

My mom is 62 (born 4/42). She and my dad have been divorced since I graduated from high school. My mom lives about 40 miles away from me and I typically see her several times a week. I have a great picture of my mom and I that my cousin took when we weren't looking a few year ago. I wish I had an electronic copy. In many ways as the saying goes, I am my mother's daughter. I don't know how we got into the routine, but my mom usually comes on Wednesday night and we go out to eat and she comes on Sunday during the day and I make Sunday dinner. Recently, I have needed less structure and had several Sunday commitments and I haven't been seeing my mom on Sunday's. When my sister Kris (the baby) complained that I had "two" days and she didn't have any, my mom said, fine...you can have Monday's. This just makes me laugh! So, now they have dinner every Monday. They used to live with each other (long story) and now they don't. I guess it bothered Kris not having a day after that. I think it bothers Julie that mom comes to visit me so often and they do get together on occasion, but don't have a designated day. Every few months she will go out with us on a Wednesday night or stop by on a Sunday afternoon to visit. Probably, I am the closest to my mom and/or she feels the most comfortable hanging out with me at my house.

Mom, her brother Tom, her sister Barb at Beth's wedding in Nov 2000

My dad is 63 (born 9/41). He lives outside of Atlanta, GA. My father remarried about 10 years ago and they have a son together who is eight or nine. I have only met him a few times. My father’s wife had two sons by a previous marriage and they are both grown. She is also very insecure and psychotic who does everything in her power to keep him from his previous children. On the rare occasions where we are allowed to see him, it is only if she is present. I could tell some stories to illustrate, but I won’t.

Julie is my older sister. She is 13 months older than I am (born 1/65). She has two daughters who are both in college this year. They are currently 19 and 18 (although the 19 year old will be turning 20 next month). She lives less than a mile from my house. We are currently in two very different places in our lives where she is trying to deal with empty nest and I am trying to have a child. When she first found out that I was going to ttc, I received a several hour lecture on how selfish I am and how I should spend my time and energy finding a husband. It got a bit ugly when I finally asked her why it was so wrong for me to try to have a child by myself when I am older and financially secure and it was okay for her to have 2 young children by chance in her youth. “It just is” was her response. She did end up marrying the father, but divorced a few years later because he was a loser druggy. She remarried about 11 years ago to a wonderful/supportive man. She tried to be (or pretended to be) supportive of my ttc efforts once she knew I was moving forward against her advise/best judgment, but things have been fairly strained since we got into an argument this summer after my m/c. She told tons of people when I got preg. when I asked her not to, but didn’t go back and tell all of them when I m/c. This made things very difficult for me in a few cases. Funny enough, our argument was not about that, but something stupid. I do truly think she was happy and excited for me when I did get preg. She just can't imagine having a small child now or understand why I would want one. I have told her that she already has her children and they have brought her such joy (and pain and sorrow and everything else that goes with being a mom). I really just don't think she gets the need. We have continually made very different choices in life. We haven’t seen much of each other lately. While I wish it were different, I have needed the break while dealing with the m/c, my fibroid surgery, and my last failed cycle.

Summer 2003 in my backyard
Carolyn (Terri's youngest), Julie, Kris, Elizabeth (Terri's oldest), James (Terri's middle)

Cindy is my younger sister. She is 36 (born 12/68) turning 37 in a few weeks. She is the sister I am closest with. She lives outside of Atlanta, GA (about 45 min. from my dad) with her husband and 3 children who are 6, 4, and 3. We talk almost daily and see each other a few times a year. She is supposed to be coming out for a week the day after Christmas. I can’t wait. I saw them for a week this summer when they came out for a visit. Last year, my mom and I went to Atlanta to be with them for Christmas. She is “in the know” about my current cycle plans and progress.

Christmas 2003 at Cindy's in Atlanta
Cindy, Marcel, Mom, Sophie, Julian, Emilie

Kris is my youngest sister. She is 34 (born 6/70). What can I say? She is the baby of the family. She lives about 40 miles away in the same town that my mom lives in. We are just very different people. She is not supportive or unsupportive of my ttc efforts. She would also like to start a family, but I don’t think she would ever do so on her own. I could be wrong.

Hiking with the dogs
Debbie (many years ago when I was briefly skinny), Elizabeth, Terry, James, Kris, Lucky, Shadow

Terri is my cousin and one of my closest friends. She is 38 (born 11/66) this month. My mom and her mom are sisters. Terri and I spent summers together growing up. Every summer she would come out for several weeks/month to visit. We drifted apart during college, but my first job happened to be in Michigan where she lives so we were able to renew our friendship. She has 3 children (14, 13, and 7). I lived there when her two older children were born and it was difficult on both of us when I moved to Boston for work in 1991. She has come out to visit every summer for 3 – 5 weeks since her 7 y.o. was 6 months old. We just get along so well. As strange as it probably sounds, all I need is to find a man like her and I could be happily married. I also get along very well with her husband Jim. He is a great guy! She is also very supportive of my ttc efforts and is “in the know” about my current cycle plans and progress. She was here visiting while I had my m/c. I think this really helped me not go into a major depression afterwards. She also delayed her trip home by a few weeks so she could be here for my fibroid surgery. She was so awesome and took great care of me and my dogs while I recovered. One of these years soon, she is not going to make it out for the summer visit as the kids get older it gets harder and harder. I hope I have a child/children of my own by then because it will break my heart. Summer is meant for children and it feels so much more like summer with her and the kids here.

Summer 2002 in my backyard
James, Jim, Debbie, Carolyn, Terri, Elizabeth

As a side note, my sister Cindy and Terri’s sister Anna, who are the same age are very close friends as well. In fact, my sister Cindy moved to Michigan and lived with my aunt and uncle for her last few years of high school. At the time, my parents were getting divorced and Cindy was mature enough to know that she needed more guidance and structure in her life. Cindy and Anna and their families see each other every Thanksgiving trading off who hosts.

Anna and Cindy

One of the things I am most proud of in my life is going/graduating from college. Not only because of the opportunities that it opened for me, but also because both of my younger sisters have told me that my going motivated them to go. They both went through on sports scholarships (Cindy – Gymnastics; Kris – Soccer). They said if I could do it paying my way through and struggling, they knew they could do it too. My father wanted me to stay home, go to a junior college, and help take care of my sisters. It was a difficult time for the family as my parents when through their divorce and my mom was in the hospital for awhile. I knew that I had to go away for me and I stuck to my guns. I think I helped my sisters much more by going than I would have had I stayed home.

Anyway, that is my family. We fuss and fight and disagree, but deep down I know that we all love each other. I would love to have my own children. I want two. I want my children to have a sibling to play and fight with. Some how, some way, I am determined and destined to be a mom. I hope this cycle works and I am on my road to motherhood by the end of the year. That would be the best Christmas present ever!

Mom's 60th Birthday Party

Back Row: Debbie, Elizabeth (Terri's oldest), Cindy, Brittany (Julie's youngest), Terri, Carolyn (Terri's youngest), Nicole (Julie's oldest) Front Row: Julie, Mom, Aunt Barb