Why Blog?

Why Blog? I have been thinking about this on and off all week after talking to a friend about it last week. She mentioned that she wouldn’t want to put her story and the intimate details of her life (my words, not hers) out on the internet for all to read. It made me realize that I felt that way once as well and not so long ago. I have been pondering the idea of a blog since this summer when I miscarried. I was sure that if I stared one, I would want it private and password protected. How could these women tell their stories and all the pain and highs and lows for all? I found them very courageous, but as I tend to be more private, it was not something for me.

Going through this trying to conceive (ttc) process has really changed me. I’ll save the details of that for later, but sitting here today I realize that while this year has been difficult, I have really grown and I have met a lot of great people along the way.

I have always been open with my family and friends about wanting to have a child. When I actively started the process, I gave full discloser. Family and friends knew what was going on every step of the way. Mostly, everyone was supportive and I was so happy to finally be pursuing something I have always wanted…children.

In the middle of my first 2ww, I was feeling … I don’t know exactly….anxious, hopeful, and a strong need for “something else”. I was out reading the archives of the discussion board for my clinic and I found a reference to IVF Connections and that other women who were going to my clinic posted there for on-line support. I hightailed it over. Even though I was still doing IUI and it was an IVF board, I posted. I am not much of a lurker. Everyone was great and very supportive. I had mentioned that I was single and going this alone. Another single on the boards sent me to Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). Wow! Yes! I was not alone in this. It was so great to have these forums. They were exactly what I needed at the time. I felt so much less alone. As much as my family and friends love me and were supporting me, here were other women going through what I was. They “got it” in a way others that have not gone trough the process never could.

When I went into my last (3rd) IUI, I was in a very different place than where I was when I started this process. When I found out I was pregnant (from my 2nd IUI), I was so happy. I knew that miscarriage was a possibility, but the reality was something else all together. Those more experienced with the process cautioned about telling people so early. I told a lot of people anyway. When I did miscarry, it was really hard to tell everyone and to have to talk about it. Even though I had asked others not to share the news, they were so happy for me and did. Unfortunately, in a few cases, people were told I was pregnant, but not that I had miscarried. I got a couple of comments weeks/months after the m/c from people that I didn’t realize were told that I was preg., but hadn’t been told of the loss. This was incredibly painful for me. I did not want this situation to happen again. I wanted more control over the information about me “out” in the world among my family and friends. Mostly, I just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Period. I felt like such a failure. Like my body was now a traitor. For the first time, I thought maybe this won’t work. Maybe I will never be a mother. The hurt was too real and too painful. It is just not something that I could have out there. I stopped talking to my friends and family about what I was going through. I told them that I was planning on keeping the details of what I was going through private. I tried to explain why, but I know that they don’t really understand. This really wasn’t/isn’t about them, but about me and where I was/am. I just couldn’t stand the questions because it felt like a dagger to the heart with each one because this hadn’t worked. I needed time to heal without people constantly bringing things up and asking how things were going (or not going). It was like picking the scab off the wound before it could properly heal.

The source of comfort and camaraderie that I was feeling with my on-line friends was weaning at this time as well. Several were successful in achieving pregnancy. Others were taking a break from it all. And, I was feeling left behind. I know that this wasn’t personal to me and that just like I needed to not talk to my family and friends about it, they were in a different space. The people that were successful moved on leaving only those that it didn’t work out for remaining. And, that number was less and less, re-enforcing the feeling of failure making me feel bad about myself instead. I was personalizing everyone’s pain and disappointment and adding it to my own. It got to be too much. While I still post occasionally on these forums, I no longer feel comfortable expressing as much detail and passion as I once did.

During this time, I also found the world of blogs. Unlike the IVFC and SMC groups, I almost without exception was/am a blog lurker. There are many, many courageous women out there who have gone through some incredible things to try to achieve a family. Every women has a different story and a different journey, but in so many ways the feelings and emotions and highs and lows are the same. I learned so much from reading them. I realized that my feeling after the m/c and the failed cycle were “normal” in ttc land. Once again, I felt less alone with the process.

Why blog? I think I need a place to process what I am going through and what is on my mind and I no longer feel comfortable doing that in the ways/places I had in the past. I could do a private journal instead (and have thought about that), but I feel like I would be more committed to a blog. I realized that I was already posting intimate details of my journey in other public forums and that by blogging, I would just be doing so in my own space instead.

Maybe, just maybe, someone will come across this and my story will help them like others stories have helped me. Mostly, I think it will be therapeutic and a way for me to record my story for me.