Deer Sightings

I saw two deer this morning while hiking with the dogs. I never fail to feel awe and marvel when I have the chance to see them. It is truly precious to me. It was just a quick glimpse before they ran into the brush. If I hadn’t been looking up right at that moment, I would have missed them. The funny thing is that I was just thinking at that exact moment that I hadn’t seen any deer for this cycle. I live in Southern California and deer sightings are fairly rare. In fact, before ttc I think I had only seen them once or twice max in the 7 years or so that I have been hiking. Coyote sightings are all too common and they get more aggressive and bold each year. I have seen a mountain lion twice and the reason I now make sure that I always have my cell phone with me when I hike. Deer sightings, they are enough to make me stop in my track and contemplate the beauty in life and thank God for what I have.

I have copied below part of a post I made on IVF Connections in September when I was starting IUI#3 that talks about my deer sightings.
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IVFC Post on 09-06-2004 10:28 AM …
However, the best thing that happened lately is that I saw 2 deer this morning. It was so cool. I can't even really tell you or explain, but I will try. As I have mentioned, I hike a lot (okay, almost every day). Coyotes sightings are common, but deer sightings are very rare. In all the years I have been hiking, I think I have only seen deer 5 or 6 times total...and, 4 times since I have been ttc. Right before my first cycle (have I told this story?), I was hiking and reflecting and "talking" to god. No sooner than I had asked God if I was on the "right" path and dong the "right" thing and I saw a deer. I couldn't believe it and thought "is this a sign?" The next day when I was hiking, I was asking god if the deer yesterday was a sign and telling him that if he was I needed another sign... to be hit in the head with it (so to speak). As soon as I had the thought, I saw another deer. I was in awe. I said, okay, it was a sign and the deer is a symbol that I AM on the right track. On my first cycle, I really felt (and still do) that I did get preg., but lost it before it could be confirmed. We later found out that I had low progesterone.

I also had a deer sighting on my 2nd cycle. I am not exactly sure of the timing (I need to call my cousin who was with me for this one, but don't want to yet because my mom is still here and she will likely overhear the conversation and I am not telling her or any of my local family that I am trying again this month). Anyway, I think the timing was after I was preg., but before I m/c, (either that or it was just after I m/c). We saw a deer grazing on a hill and it was being stalked by 2 coyotes. The deer either caught our scent or the coyotes and took off, the coyotes went after it and they all ran off until they were out of sight. I remember my cousin and I talking about the symbolism.

Back to today. Got AF today. I was hiking. I wasn't actually talking to god, but I was thinking about today being cd1 and that I was still nervous, but getting excited. As you know, I really struggled with what type of cycle to do next and decided on the Inj. IUI late last week. Even though I still had some concerns, I really wanted to do it anyway. I was thinking about this and pondering if it really was the right decision. And, as soon as I thought the thoughts, I saw not one, but two deer. I couldn't believe it. Tears came to my eyes and I thought, this IS a sign. I didn't even have to ask this time and god is telling me that I am on the right path. I am not sure if seeing 2 deer is 1) a sign that it will be me and an actually baby this time or 2) twins (which was never my first choice and something that really concerned me with going to the inj.), but if it does turn out that way, I will know that it was my path. I am now at peace with it 3) just coincidence and/or B.S. I guess time will tell. I do know that I just had joy and peace at seeing them. I am finally comfortable and at peace with my decision. A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Again, time will tell if I am reading way to much into this or if it really was a sign, but...it has brought me the peace I needed going into this cycle. I just had to share.....
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IUI#3 was ultimately a failure, but I did have 2 perfectly good size follicles and going through that helped me be okay with twins/multiples if that is what happens. I was very worried about multiples in the beginning. Now, I just want it to work. Having twins as a single mom will be extremely difficult, but if that is what happens, it is and I will be happy with it. I would rather get pregnant with twins than to not get pregnant at all. I did ultimately confirm with my cousin that the deer sighting on IUI #2 was after I had the cramping and bleeding when my beta rose from 110.54 to 155.23 before dropping to 61.43.

Getting the BFN (big fat negative) with IUI#3 was probably the lowest point of this whole process for me. I think even more so than the m/c a few months earlier which was completely devastating. For the first time, I thought that maybe this whole thing wouldn’t work and I would NEVER be a mom. I couldn’t listen to the radio or watch tv or read books for awhile because almost all of the songs or the shows or the commercials or books had babies and families and pregnant women. They all had things that I wanted and couldn’t/didn’t have. I really didn’t like myself very much at the time and this was very hard on me since I am usually very comfortable in my own skin. I felt like God had forsaken me. I was really sad that my deer sightings were not prophetic. How egotistical of me to even contemplate God giving me a sign? Who did I think I was that I should be so fortunate and so blessed? I was mad at the world and wanted everyone to leave me alone. As sad as I was that this try didn’t work and as angry as I was that I would be moving to IVF, I was equally upset that my deer sightings were just random, coincidental sightings that I has stupidly read to much into.

I realized when hiking this morning that the last time I had done this trail was in early September at the beginning of my injectable IUI cycle and the last time I had seen deer. I was reflecting on the fact that I hadn’t seen any deer for this cycle and no longer was even asking God if I was on the right path or not and as soon as I thought the thoughts I looked up and saw two deer. What does this mean? Was this just another random coincidental event or a sign? At what point does it stop being a coincident? It really is quite bizarre when you think about it. How many times does it have to happen for me to really believe? I am too afraid at this point for it to mean anything. Maybe this was God’s way of saying, like the footprints poem, it is then that I carry you.

After I miscarried, I read a book called When Bad Things Happen to Good People which was written by a Jewish Rabbi after he lost his son to a rapid aging disease. It talks about laws of nature vs. laws of God. It is an excellent book for anyone (regardless of faith or religious belief) to try to understand how/why bad things happen when you are a good person and that it is not "God's will".

Maybe the deer sightings are not a prophesy at all? Maybe the deer are not a sign of the outcome, but of what could be if not for laws of nature? Maybe it is just God’s way of saying; keep the faith you really are on the right path and it was my interpretation that was wrong?

I have a good friend who is an ordained minister and one of the pastors of her church. We have talked a lot about faith and God’s plan for each of us over the last year or so. We have talked about the need to be open to hearing God’s word even when it tells you what you don’t want to hear. It took a lot for me to decide to become a single mom by choice. I debated over it for years because I really believe a child deserves the benefit of having two parents whenever possible. I knew I would be a great mom, but wasn’t sure if that gave me the right to move forward with this on my own. I finally decided to move forward with ttc after realizing that if I didn’t try it would be the biggest regret of my life. Most of the time, I have felt very sure that I was on the right path doing what I needed to be doing when I needed to do it. There have been a few times when I have stumbled and had self doubt, but by in large I feel like I am on the right path.

Maybe the deer sighting was God’s way of saying, don’t forget about me. Don’t give up faith and hope. I haven’t forsaken you. I am with you and you ARE on the right path.