My cycle calm was challenged yesterday.
I had a lovely hike with the dogs. Except for the part where it was really wet and damp out and the fact that I only wore my tennis shoes, not my hiking boots and the grass was tall. My feet got wet. I hate that. Walking around in wet shoes/socks. However, I ignored that and we went on an extra long hike because I could.
I haven’t hiked in that area much (only twice) since this summer. They made it a “paid” parking area so they can raise funds to make it a bird sanctuary. So, I can park there for $3 each time or get an $80 year pass. I was so angry and bitter about this change that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pay to park there. I am getting over it and was just resigned yesterday. I used to hike that trail about 3 times a month. Now, I have only been doing it about every 6 weeks. Oh well. Anyway, I did an extra long walk so that the dogs and I could get our moneys worth.
I get home from hiking after stopping by Target and spending more money than I should have or planned. I bought the new Harry Potter DVD and the complete first 2 seasons of Sex in the City to watch on my 3 days of bed rest. I don’t have HBO and really watch very little TV. I seem to always find other things to fill my time. I have never seen (not one) episode of Sex in the City. Can you believe that? I spent almost $100’s on DVD’s for a show that I have never seen and am not sure if I will like. Oh well, I will be having a marathon. As I was selecting the sets, I was wondering if one season was better than the other and if I should just “jump in” random. I decided to start at the beginning. I have to say, I am now looking forward (instead of dreading) the bed rest so I can watch these. Because of that, it was worth the purchase.
I also bought my dogs and my friend’s dogs Christmas presents. My dog Lucky and her dog Daphne love the little squeaky toys. I got them both a little duck that quacks. Everything was still sitting on the counter because I checked voicemail and there was a call from my clinic. This had me bit worried since I was not expecting it. Turns out they wanted me to do another test, for Rh – Antibodies. I try to understand why from the nurse. Why now? Why at the last minute? What happens if I do have them? Is that a good (I think not) or a bad thing? What would be do differently? Anything? Yes, I am Rh- and my donor is Rh + and I did have a m/c and did receive a Rhogam shot. If they need it as just a precaution, why did I not get this test with my last medicated IUI instead of now that I am going into the IVF? So many questions that I still do not have answers for. I am glad that my Dr. takes and responds to email. As soon as I get some time, I am going to email him.
Anyway, got sidetracked with the story. I’m on the phone with my clinic and had moved into the office to check which line I had hooked up to the fax machine and my dog comes in with her Christmas present in her mouth. She is so happy. She must have jumped up and taken it off the counter. I should have been pissed since she knows she should not take anything off the counter, but I couldn’t help but laugh. She was so cute and happy running around the house with it making it squeak. I let her play with it, thought about letting her just keep it and getting her another present, but picked it up when she wasn’t looking and hid it off. She will be just as happy to see it again in a few weeks. Yes, I know. I am a dork buying the dogs gift. However, my friend is as big a dork.
Blogging my random thoughts are more of a priority than composing an email to Dr. who wouldn’t get it until at least tomorrow at this point. I am a bit concerned, but not panicked at this point. I think it is just a precaution. More data to have if I do get (oh, I mean when) pregnant on this cycle.
The nurse tells me that no, the test doesn’t have to be done today and I can have it drawn locally, but it will take at least 4 – 5 days to get the results and they would really like to have them, if possible, by my cd9 u/s check next week. Fine. They fax me the lab slip. I quickly shower. And, off I go to the lab. I walk in and am thrilled to see only one other person waiting. Great! I can get in and out and on my way. HAHAHAHAHA! I wait for at least 10 – 15 min. before some even talks to me. I show them my lab slip that says “Pt is RH negative needs a *Titer blood Test.” The two lab technicians talk among themselves about what kind of a titer test as there are several. They call the dr. office and talk to the nurse. At this point, I think I was watching them too intently because they ask me to go wait in the second room on the left and they will be in. The technician comes in (after about 20 min.?) and says they are still trying to figure out exactly what test. They don’t want to do the wrong one you know, but they need the room so they are sorry, but can I come back to the lobby. I do. A new lab request is faxed indicating that I need the Anti D Titer. They look up IDC9’s. They call their head office. They have no idea what test this should be and more importantly what colored tube it must be in. At this point, they ask me to call the dr.’s office. I do. My dr. gets on the phone. I hand the phone to the technician who is very please to actually be talking to the dr. Apparently, he wanted to do this before but the nurses wouldn’t let him. The tech is pleased to hear that I needed a Type and Screen test (he has heard of this one, code 360) and dooly notes this on the lab sheet that Dr. N had authorized this at 11 am on 11/24. Yes, I did get a copy of this. My blood was FINALLY drawn. Who knows when Dr. N gets the results, if it will be from the test he thinks he orders. Time will tell at this point.
My plan for Wednesday morning was to bake pies. It is now 11:20 and I am woefully behind schedule. I am making/made Cherry and Pumpkin. Hmmm. The Cherry Pie recipe is my grandmothers and is tasty. I have been looking forward to it for weeks and weeks. Anyway, the filling needs to “set” for awhile so I got that prepared then made the pumpkin. I was a tad distracted because of the whole Rh- thing and a bit confused about why they had me heat the oven at 425 for 15 minutes, then turn it down to 350 and cook the pies for 50 – 60 minutes. I thought, odd, okay, I guess I just need to start with a hotter oven. When the pies had been cooking for 50 – 60 minutes, they were still undercooked. Shit! I go back and look at the instructions closer. Upon closer evaluation, I re-read and realize I was supposed to bake the pies for 15 min. at 425 not just pre-heat the oven. Oh well. I decided to let them cook longer and see what happens. In the down time waiting for the pies to finish baking I'm on the computer looking up Titer Bloood Test. RH -, Anit D Titer, etc. NO HITS! NOTHING! The pies still look undercooked, but I have to go to get to my acupuncture appointment. I just shut off the oven leaving the pies in there thinking “How does one ruin pumpkin pie? It is one of the easiest pies to make, ever. Yes, I royally screwed up an apple pie once (and have never attempted it again). But, pumpkin? I’m telling myself not to get worked up about it. T here is nothing I can do about it now. I will just stop by the store on the way home from my appointment, get more ingredients, and do over. The Cherry pie filling will just have to "set" for much, much longer.
I get on the freeway and hit a wall of traffic. This is LA baby and the freeways can resemble parking lots at times. This was one of them. I almost burst into tears (and I am not a cryer). I was never going to make my appointment time and I was late for my last appointment (a long story). I kept telling myself. Be calm. The Rh – test is a pre-caution, not a problem. You will get info. You can just remake the pies, not a big deal. There is nothing you can do about the traffic. Stay calm. Don’t let this rattle you. Stay calm. Don’t get worked up. Stay calm. You can do nothing to change any of this at this point. Stay calm. Yes, a lot of self talk. When hiking that morning, I was thinking about how calm about this whole cycle I have been and how prepared mentally and physically I feel for it. I was happy. I was thinking about what a challenge and what a feat it will be if I can make it through the whole thing this way, but know that it was going to get harder and harder as things progress and more hormones get put into my body. Experience tells me this. It is much easier (but still very, very hard) to be calm, cool, and collected at the beginning of a cycle. Much, much, harder with the hormones.
I am only 5 – 10 min. late, whew, and my acu (Denise) was in with another patient so I had time to calm down, breath deep, and try to relax. My acu works with her husband and there are other acu’s and chiropractors and such that share space. Her husband, A, finishes with a patient and comes and sits down to talk with the receptionist/office helper, J? It’s a small area and I can’t help but overhear. J is talking to A about a patient she is seeing outside of the clinic and how the patient is really crazy. A asks J if he is helping her. J says, well, I listen and try to support her, but I am not a therapist. Then, they start talking about Denise in that light. I burst out laughing at this point, drawing attention to myself, and tell them that yes, I have referred to Denise as my mini-therapist at times. We all have a good laugh. A says, yes, she likes it and so do her patients. Enter Denise. She’s ready for me. Do we jump right in and start treatment? No, we talk for about 10 – 15 min.(aka mini-therapy session). I tell her about my morning and the test and the pies and the traffic and my cycle progress. Then, treatment. I just love her! I left feeling much calmer. She saved the day. The major freak out was saved and calm was restored. I decided to take the coast home and saw the sun setting over the ocean. Nora Jones playing in the background. I had a nice drive through the mountains. Made a few phone calls. One of which to my house to see if my mom was here yet and to see if the pies had made it or I needed to stop. Good news! No need to stop by the store. The pies weren’t ruined after all. Yes, there was some traffic, but it wasn’t horrible. An hour later I am almost home, but feeling good. I call Denise to thank her.
It is going to be a challenge not to let the stress of life and the cycle get to me, but I am committed. Everything at this point is out of my control. I am following dr.’s orders. I will have whatever follicles I have, we will get what eggs we get, what will fertilize will fertilize. I am vowing NOT to stress over these things. They are unknown, but they will be what they will be. There is nothing I can do to change things at this point, but to follow my instructions.
When I get home, my mother had not taken my strong hints to put the Cherry Pie filling into the pre-made store bought crusts and get them in the oven. Deep breath. No big deal. I did it. Then, walked the dogs. I knew that I wasn’t going to feel like cooking or going out on Wed. night so I made dinner (baked chicken and brown rice and cucumber and mushroom’s with a special holiday dill dip) on Monday. Heat and serve baby. It was perfect.
My sister, Julie, came by to visit for an hour or so. She and my mom drank a bottle and a half of wine while she told stories that she has told either a million times or at least the other day when I saw her. I kept thinking, I wish I could go on the computer and research the Rh- stuff instead of listening to these drunken stories again, but I didn’t. I haven’t seen much of my sister since this summer after my m/c when we got into this fight (I’ll save that story for another day) and I have seen less of my mom than usual lately so I sat there politely visiting with them.
Thanksgiving is not at my house this year. I moved into this house Nov. 1, 1995. I can’t believe I have been here for 9 years. This is the first time since then that Thanksgiving is not at my house. This makes me so happy. My sister decided that she wanted to just have a small affair with her and “her family” since both of her daughters are off at school/college this year and will both be home at the same time. This left my mom, my sister Kris, and I on our own. I really think my sister did this to try to hurt us and make us feel excluded and it really annoys her that I am happy with it. When the topic first came up, my mom thought I should cook a small turkey breast for us. My sister Kris thought we should go to Marie Calendars. My friend Heather, who knows I am cycling, invited us all over. This is a win-win for both of us. This is her twins first Thanksgiving and her husband broke his collar bone a few weeks ago. He can’t help with the children. We decided it would be a lot more fun and less stressful to share the holiday. My sister Kris hated this idea and told my mom and I, fine, she would just go eat at Marie’s by herself. Can you say emotional blackmail? I said okay, if that’s what you want to do, but you are more than welcome to come with us. My mom waffled back and forth. She wanted to go to Heather's with me, but didn’t want Kris to be alone. Finally, she committed. It turns out Kris’s friends Liz and Kevin who were going to go camping decided to not and she is spending the day with them. So, it all worked out well. Julie was explaining to my mom and I that it is “good to shake things up” like she did. Again, I think she was just trying to stir the shit and make us feel bad. I again told her how happy I was that it worked out the way it did. I think she thinks I am just saying that, but really I am not. It has been so much less stressful not having to prepare everything and knowing that I don’t have to spend time with her while jacked out on hormones. It makes me a tad sad that I feel that way. I would like to have a better relationship with her since we live so close, but I have realized this last year while ttc it takes two and things work great when everything is about her. Enough about that for now….
I think there really is something wrong with me. I have been on vacation this week and the latest I have slept is 5 am. Every other night I have been up at 4. This is truly sick. I wish I could sleep better. I was doing really good and back to normal sleep patterns until I started the Lupron/Dex for this cycle. I made it worse last night by having a small piece of both Pumpkin and Cherry pie after dinner. Added to the 5 amps of Gonal F which hype me up anyway and I was up until 11:30 and awake at 4 am like clockwork. Oh well, I am going to enjoy the holiday and the lack of sleep will be worth it WHEN (not if) it works.
I’ve been feeling like I am going to get a cold/fighting off a cold. I was telling Denise about this when I was in so that she could maybe “treat” that as well. She reminded me that I felt that way on my inj. IUI cycle, but that I never did. She’s right. A sore thought, achy, either roasting hot or freezing cold with little middle ground, bad headache on and off that won’t quit, feel like a cold sore coming on. We had the same conversation and agreed that the stims just may affect me that way as my body starts working so hard to overproduce eggs. I’m sure it would help if I got a decent night sleep. However, now that I know that Tylenol PM is safe now and throughout pregnancy. I avail of that and get at least 4 – 5 hours.
I have ideas and thoughts for about 5 blog entries that I want to write, but haven’t had the time. Maybe I need to not be on vacation to slow down. HA HA. I am so glad I am on vacation this week. It was busy enough without having to worry about work as well.
The sun will be rising soon and time for my next shot..Lupron..soon. I am glad that I am done with the 5 amps a night down to 3. It is a lot of mixing and takes awhile. I am getting better and faster with each day of practice.
Man, my mom is like a hawk. I had that small bottle of Lupron in the fridge hidden behind the butter. She wasn't here for more than an hour and she's asking. What's this for? Who needs shots? You or the dogs? I couldn't believe it. I just didn't say anything for about 30 seconds. Then, I said, me. She said, well your brave. I couldn't do it. Thank God, she left it at that. Man, she's sees a lot more that she lets on half the times. Then, wammy, she hits you with it. I know that it hurts her that I am not confiding what is going on with my ttc plans, but I just can’t right now. As I lay awake in bed last night trying to relax from the sugar/Gonal F high, I thought about telling her and I just got a knot in my stomach about it. Even though I know she would keep it quiet now she would not be able to resist asking tons of questions or even if she did I know that she would be thinking them anyway and hoping and wondering. It is much better her not knowing at this point. I am sorry that this hurts her, but I need to do it for me. There is so little that I can control in this process. I just need to control the information about it. It will be bad enough that I will be disappointed again if this doesn’t work. I don’t’ want to do it to her to. I know she wants to support me, but I will feel like I let her down again. She so wants me to be pregnant and have a baby and to have another grandbaby that lives close to her. Maybe not rational my need to keep this quiet, but that’s how I feel. She will just have to wonder about why I am giving myself shots. It is better this way.
I still have a few more random thoughts rattling around, but I’ll save them for another day. I’m glad that I was able to get down what I did. Off to shoot up, hike the dogs, and hype out on sugar by having another piece of Cherry pie for breakfast. Hey, my mom made that rule/tradition years ago. You ALWAYS start Thanksgiving day with a nice healthy slice or two of pie. Her rules, not mine. I’m just going with the flow in my nice calm cycle state.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thansgiving 2004 at Heather's with Martin, Heather, Charlie, Debbie, and Mom (Sanger taking picture and Hadley taking nap)
Thanksgiving 2004 with Hadley and Daphne
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