how exciting! or not

I always thought that I would be a Kool Aid mom. You know, the house where all the kids want to go and hang out. The house with milk and cookies. I've always wanted a family/children.

Life doesn't always work the way you think it will.

I've been saying since my 20's that if I wasn't in a serious relationship by the time I turned 30, I was going to have a child..."so don't think it was an accident". Thirty has come and gone. I am currently 38. Still single. Still no children.

A little over a year ago, I started to actively try to conceive. It has been a roller coaster of a year. I have done 3 medicated IUI's (2 clomid, 1 inj.) in April, June, and September. I had a confirmed pregancy with my June cycle, but had an early miscarrage. It was devestating. My dr. recommened that I have my fibroids removed before trying again. I had them out in early August. I had such high hopes with my September injectable cycle. I was doubling my odds and had two perfectly sized follicles. Negative.

For a lot of reasons, I decided to move to IVF. I have been on BCP's since my September negative. I am one of the few women that react very well to being on birth control pills. I LIKE being on them. I have spent most of my adult life on them. I found it more than a little ironic that in October 2003 I went off BCP to get pregant and in October 2004 I went on them again for the same reason.

Anyway, my IVF cycle officially starts tomorrow with my first Lupron shot. Those that know that I am cycling this month keep asking me if I am excited. I'm not. I'm not, not excited. I just "am" for now. I wish I were, but I'm just not. I really hope this works, but the reality is that very few people get a postive on their first IVF. Maybe I will be one of them. If not, I already have a solid plan for my next cycle.

I just feel like I have been in a war this last year and that I am battle weary.