Starting to worry and wonder and hope

Even watching the conclusion to Survivor Vanuato (which I had recorded on my dvr, the one I got to keep me occupied on my three days of bed rest that didn’t happen) wasn’t enough to distract me today and that is the one show that I watch on a regular basis. I mean I wasn’t obsessive or out of control, but I did find myself really hoping and wondering and worrying about the outcome. Against all odds, I really hope that it worked. I don’t feel like it did, but I am hoping.

I also realized tonight that I have dinner plans with my mom on Wednesday night. I had completely forgotten this and was setting up dinner plans with a friend (someone who is also ttc) when I realized that I already had dinner plans. The funny thing is that I have dinner with my mom EVERY Wednesday night. This is not something special or out of the ordinary. I can’t believe I forgot that. I guess that shows how distracted I am. I don’t’ want to cancel on her since we also used to get together on Sunday’s and I permanently cancelled that a few weeks ago. I also don’t want to get the news with her around or right before (especially if negative) because she doesn’t know that I am cycling and I don’t really want to tell her. I don’t want to say anything one way or another until after I have a positive and have at least seen the heartbeat. Now, I am stressing a little bit about how I am going to handle that situation. I guess I will ask Monica to just leave a message on my cell phone if I don’t answer and turn off the cell phone until after she goes home. Or, maybe I should cancel. I will have to think up a lie to do that though because my mom is too inquisitive. I hate to lie or cancel so maybe I will just deal with it. Maybe I can beg them to call me early?

I am starting to get stressed out and that doesn’t bode well for a good night sleep. I am so glad that I am working and that work has been very busy. Busy enough to keep me distracted. I was so distracted today that I completely forgot that I had taken my car to the shop this morning because the front driver window controls weren’t working (and I wanted to make sure that I didn’t have a day without my car while on vacation). The service guy had to track me down on my cell because I wasn’t answering any of the other lines. Then, I forgot between the time that I talked to him and the shuttle to pick my up came (maybe 10 – 15 minutes later). Yikes, it was just that busy. Right now, that really is a good thing.

The funny thing is that if I am pregnant, I am. There is really nothing to do one way or another right now. Not only would praying for a successful outcome be pointless, the die is already cast. I guess I will pray that I handle the situation with grace and strength.

Off to worry and wonder and hope and pray, even if it is hopeless and pointless. I’ll try not to be obsessive or out of control, but I am not making any promises. I really hope that it did work and that this is the end of my ttc journey for now. If not, I will survive. I will move on. I will be okay. It is not what I want, but I can accept it. This cycle just had so many problems and obstacles to success. I know it is a long shot. At least, if feels like a long shot. I guess in theory, it has as much chance of success as any of my past cycles, but somehow it just doesn’t feel that way. I wish that I had already met with my doctor and had my plan. I still need to write out all of my questions so I don’t forget them when we meet.

Please, please let the meeting with my doctor be a waste of both of our time. Please let the extra sperm I purchased be left for a sibling in a year or two. See, this is why I didn’t/don’t want to hope and wonder and worry. Really, it does no good. It will not affect the outcome one way or another. What will be, will be at this point. I know this, but….God, do I want to catch a break on this. Truly, it is the only present I want this year for Christmas.