Not Tired! Sh!t Worried/Neurotic Rant

I am not really all that tired. And, I only got 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night. I have been feeling a little too good these last few days. And, Audrey hasn’t been moving that much. Even after a bath. Thank God that I never sent back that fetal heart monitor. It took me a minute, but I am fairly sure I heard her heartbeat. I want to call up and asked to go in and get monitored. I haven’t been feeling pregnant. I’m worried. Really worried. And, trying not to get myself panicked and all upset over nothing. It is so remote a possibility that she would just die in womb without me having any outward signs that I should even consider it, right? I was taking a nice warm bath to help me relax and something that is almost sure to get Audrey moving, but it didn’t really do either. I am feeling a little sick, like menstrual cramping. It is very light and not very noticeable. I think it is probably psychosomatic. I am sure that it is just that I am out of sorts and everything is fine, but if this kid doesn’t start moving around a bit more over the next day or two I think I will have to call Dr. P and beg for an appointment this week.

I have been a bit teary eyed and extra emotional over the last few days. My friend C found out that her pregnancy wasn’t viable and she has stopped all meds. I am so sad for her. She called last night to talk and I think talking may have helped me more than it did her. I don’t know. My friend N is struggling with what to do next and is afraid she is just wasting her time and money on the ttc emotional roller coaster. I called her last night to distract her and give her a sounding board and I think all it did was upset her. My friend T is just coming off of a failed donor egg cycle with 2 perfect blasts that didn’t take. She is upset and angry and trying to decide what to do next and why it didn’t work. All of their pain is my pain. The process is just so hard. It just SUCKS!!!!!! I remember the pain and the fear all too well. I just want to make it to the next level like they want to make it to the next level. We all just want a baby. How f-ing hard should that be?

I feel like just going and crying myself to sleep for all of us. Those of us who have found the ttc journey to be a lot harder than they ever imagined to be. Those of us who just want a baby. Why is it so hard? Why?

The only good thing that seems to have happened lately is that Lucky’s heart is just fine as confirmed by a very expensive u/s (but, not more expensive than a 1st Tri Pregnancy u/s at my RE’s office). I was happy to pay the money for the assurance that she will not die of a heart attack one day soon while out hiking.

Thinking about it as I type this up, it isn’t as if I have NO symptoms. I have been waking up the last few nights with tingling in my hands and wrists. I think I am getting carpal tunnel, but haven’t had time to research it. I still have to pee every 2 minutes practically. The biggest thing is that I haven’t been that tired or sleeping well (like my pre-pregnancy days) and that really, really worries me. I hope it is just that second trimester burst of energy I have heard mention (and have discounted as an old wives tale) and not something bad. The other problem with not being so tired and awake more is that I have more hours in the day. Maybe someone less neurotic would use that time for good things, like making sure that they are actually prepared for the baby’s arrival. Should she actually get here.

I have actually taken some important steps. I called my dog walker and have him scheduled for later in the month when I have to be out of town. I also told him I was pregnant and asked if he was going to be around and could he be on call. He is and he has two people available to back him up, just in case. I really like this guy. I rarely see him because I am never here when he comes, but the dogs really like him. I know this because he came after my polyp removal and a few other times when I needed him, but was in town. I also called my acupuncturist and set up an appointment for Saturday and she is going to prepare a new list of doula referrals for me. It will be good for me to get in to see her. I still need to call a few painters and get estimates.

Everything is probably fine here. I am sure I am worrying for nothing (oh God, I sure hope so). I have been doing so well (at least in my own somewhat warped mind) with being okay with where I am and thinking that this could have a good outcome. This is just a temporary relapse. It will be fine and I will deliver a nice healthy baby girl in August.

BTW, I am still not 100% on the name Audrey. I thought I would start using it to see how it goes. I am not considering any other names right now, but, I reserve the right to change it after she is born/on the birth certificate. Speaking of birth certificates. I have to fill out this pre-form and take it to the hospital with me when I go in to deliver. What the hell am I supposed to put in the father section? Do I leave it blank? Do I put n/a? Do I put the sperm bank name and donor number? One more thing I need to think about between now and then.

Anyway, I am feeling calmer and less emotional at the moment. I think I will go climb back in bed, pray that everything will work out for me and my ttc friends, and try to sleep...right after I give Audrey a stern lecture on the need to give her insecure and neurotic mother more reassurances that she is still alive and well in there.

Off to pee once again!