There are so many things that I really should be doing, but hell, as I found out recently, life is short and I am going to blog first! Just because I want to.
In talking to friends and family about Lucky and moving forward with treatment, almost every single one of them brought up the cost. It was a reminder to me that in cases like this I am glad that I am single and the only person that has to agree on how I spend my money is me. I earned it. No one else has a say in it. So, I won’t get my house painted this year. It won’t be the first or even the second time I have pushed this off. I am used to my multi-colored walls by now that I have “tested” paint colors on. So, I won’t get a few trees removed like I have been thinking about/wanting to. So, maybe I won’t get my wooden floor that buckled in all the rains this winter repaired right now.
My mom started lecture me on pet insurance. As I politely told her, last time I researched it, pet insurance would not cover this or most other treatments. Typically, at least the last time I checked (so maybe it has changed) it only covered routing office visits and shots.
I had lunch with a good friend. We actually met through our dogs when Lucky was a puppy about 7 or 8 years ago. She basically told me I was a fool for spending the money without a guaranteed outcome and that I should “save” the money for when the baby is born because, as I will find out, I will need it then. I was surprised that she was so judgmental and so against it. She usually isn’t like that. I guess in her mind, I should just let Lucky die. She backed off when I started crying and told her that I just couldn’t let Lucky go without a fight. I couldn’t loose her in 3 months or worse have her live a few months longer and not be able to be there for her as she is dying because I am in the hospital with a new baby.
I have been told that I “can get another dog”, while it won’t be Lucky, it will help. I have tried to explain that I trust implicitly the dogs I have with a baby/young child. I have spent years and years training these dogs as they have trained me. I can leave a plate of food on the ground or coffee table and KNOW that my dogs will leave it alone. I KNOW a child can walk around with food in his/her hand or drop it and my dogs will leave it alone unless I tell them they can have it. I don’t have the time or energy right now to train a new puppy. While I could get a rescue, they will also need to be acclimated to the family and I could not trust that dog without knowing its history. No matter how well trained it is, I would still need to train it to my standards. Pets, in my opinion, are a big responsibility. I don’t take that responsibility lightly.
I want 2 children. If all goes as planned with this pregnancy and I get a real live child in August, I want to start weaning the child and have a fluid u/s to make sure that my fibroids didn’t return in February 2006 (about 6 months after birth ) so that I can begin trying for the second one around April/May 2006 (a year from now). What can I say, I have a strong program/project management background. Now that I have had pets, I can’t imagine not having one, but I don’t think it would be fair to bring in a new dog to the family over the next few years. I have been told that when I get lonely enough, I will change my mind. Maybe I will. Likely, I would not get another dog until the kids are starting/about to start school. I would probably get a cat instead.
I haven’t done an internet search or looked up Lymphoma in dogs. I almost did, but I am not sure that I can take it right now. The only information I have right now is the information I have received from the vets. But, let me tell you, it sounds like a horrible way to die. The Oncologist said that she would become tired and lethargic. Her body would just start shutting down. She may have trouble breathing because the lymph nodes in her throat get so big they start cutting off her air supply. How could anyone just watch this happen? I can’t, especially so late in my pregnancy or when I have just delivered. My dog is too important to me. If she has to die and I have any control over the matter, I want it to be when I have the time to give her the love and attention she deserves when she is feeling at her worst.
The Oncologist said that with the treatment I am going with, 25% of the dogs will go into remission and stay that way, ultimately dying of other causes; 25% will not respond to the treatment at all; 50% will go into remission for a time and then come out again, some more quickly than others. While there is not cure, maybe, just maybe, the treatment will work for Lucky.
It’s funny. I read an article in one of the many doctor’s offices I was in last week about how families spend their money and if it was spent on the things they valued. It talked about how money doesn’t buy happiness and that rich people can be unhappy and poor people happy. The article’s premise was that the determining factor about happiness or not was if money was spent on items that were considered valuable to the family. It made me think about where I was spending my money. I am happy to say that it has been on items that are valuable to me. I spent 2K for medication for my IVF cycle that got cancelled, but ultimately resulted in my current pregnancy. It was worth every penny. How could I not spend 2K to see if it will keep my dog alive?
We all make choices. My cousin’s alma mater has made it to the final 4 for basketball this year. She called and said that they are trying to get tickets and want to take the whole family. What she will spend doing this will probably be as much, if not more, than the cost of Lucky’s treatment. Personally, spending that much for a game or a trip is not important to me. It isn’t something I would probably ever do with my money. But if it is important to them, they have the money, and it will make them happy, great!
I started this post thinking I would talk about being single and the pro’s and con’s, but it turned into something else entirely. I guess this was on the top of my mind and needed to be said more. I’ll have to save that topic for another day.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
What a week
I have so many thoughts rattling around in my brain that I am not quite sure where to start and if I can get them out in any logical, coherent manner. I am up in the middle of the night again. I can’t speak for the pre-pregnancy era, but post pregnancy I have noticed that me being up in the middle of the night correlates to having a BM in the middle of the night. If I just have to pee, no problem. I’m back to sleep quickly. If not, I’m up for awhile. Sigh.
Monday was a horrible day. I couldn’t stop crying from the shock of hearing how sick Lucky is and that I will likely loose her. I took her back to the vet for x-rays to see if her internal lymph nodes were swollen. They didn’t appear to be. Then, I came home crawled in bed sobbing for awhile while trying to uselessly take a nap. The vet called back with the x-ray results and options. I set up appointments with the Radiologist for Tuesday and the Oncologist for Wednesday. And, took the dogs to the beach. I used a whole roll of film mostly taking pictures of Lucky having a great time. On the way home, I stopped by the vets to pick up the x-rays and referral reports for both the upcoming appointments.
Tuesday I tried to catch up on work and left early take Lucky to the Radiologist for an ultrasound and a biopsy of her liver and spleen to see if the cancer had invaded those organs yet. I was a tad annoyed because when I made the appointment I specifically asked how long it took to get the results back and whether I would get them back in time for the Oncologist appointment because they had a morning and an afternoon appointment available. I was told it didn’t matter, but when I talked to the dr. she said it would take 24 hours. If I would have taken the early appointment, I could have had them back in time. I would have had to re-arrange about 4 meetings for work to take the early appointment, but would have done it.
Wednesday I had my staff meeting with my team and left for the Oncologist and made it back several hours later about 15 min. late for my boss’s staff meeting. I talked to the Oncologist about pro’s and con’s and chances of survival. I started Lucky on a round of chemotherapy right then. For the record, I have decided to only refer to this as “the treatment” and not “Chemo” because saying or typing the words Chemo makes me sad and seem negative. The treatment, even if it is longer, sounds more positive and hopeful. That afternoon, I found out that they did find cancer cells in both the liver and the spleen. This makes her cancer early Stage 4 (since the cells are present, but the u/s didn't show them to be swollen). Stage 3 would have been better, but the treatment is the same for either Stage 3 or 4.
Thursday I tried to play catch up again at work and am still woefully behind, but left early again for a Chiropractor appointment for me. Dr. Dan is still terrific, but I wasn’t so ready to lure him into bed this month. I came home, walked the dogs, and crashed at 7:30 pm. I slept for 10 hours only waking up every few hours to pee.
Friday was a holiday for work and had planned to work anyway to catch up, but decided to wash the dogs instead. Shadow had waded in some murky water when I took them to the beach on Monday and stunk to high heaven. I gave her a quick bath on Monday night after I gagged and vomited in my flower bed when she passed me getting out of the car, but she still stank and I didn’t want to be around her. After that, I broke down and actually vacuumed the floors in the entire house. It had gotten so bad with me and the dogs tracking in mud that I couldn’t even stand to walk around without socks and slippers/shoes. I had my second OB appointment around lunchtime and left late thinking traffic wouldn’t be bad. WRONG. Managed to get there within 5 min. of my appointment time. The nurse said my blood pressure was a bit high 130/80. I didn’t bother to tell her what a shitty week I had or being stressed about the traffic. I hope that was the cause. Dr. P did an heartbeat check and the baby is still alive. My quad screen results weren’t in yet.
Saturday I took the dogs on a nice hike, did a little work work, fell asleep for 90 min., then hung out in my back yard reading and cuddling/playing with the dogs all afternoon. I got my fountain working. It was a nice sunny warm, but not hot day. I can’t even tell you how sick of cloudy skys and rain I am. In the evening, the neighbor boy (he is 4) came over and played (marbles, piano, marbles, bubbles, putting his feet in the pool, bubbles). He has started coming over every few weeks when he is bored at home and his parents are pre-occupied with something else. After he left, I had dinner, read a bit more, took a bath, tried to read some more and finally gave up and turned off the light at 9:15 pm.
It was a sad, emotional week all in all. The thing is that Lucky doesn’t realize that she is sick. Even after the treatment, she is just fine. Her stool has been a bit soft since then, but basically she is her same normal self. She was getting upset because I was upset. I decided that I didn’t want that. If I only have a little bit of time left with her, I don’t want her worrying about me. I want her happy. So, basically, life is going on and I am going to try to make in mostly normal except for the weekly treatments. I have been a little easier on her than I would have been if I didn’t know her time was limited. The other day when I wanted to walk straight for a shorter walk and she wanted to go right for a longer walk. I gave in. On Friday when we were resting while hiking, I was sitting on a rock and she came up and wanted so “sit” on my lap (she thinks she is a 60 lb lap dog), I let her even though her muddy paws got me all dirty and wet. Yesterday, when we were out in the back yard and she was up in the flower bed barking at the neighbor dogs and squirrels, I didn’t yell at her (like I have for her whole life) to get out of the flower bed. There will be plenty of time for flowers to grow there later.
I was happy to realize that I have no regrets with the time that I have had with my dogs. I don’t have any “if onlys”. On Monday when I was still in shock and coming to terms with the news, I was thinking about how I could make her life better for the time she had left. I realized that I had wanted to take the dogs to the beach, but had been putting it off because I was too busy and tired lately. So I did it then. I realized that I hadn’t “played” with Lucky quite as much as I used too since I was pregnant. When we come home from being out, or I come home, or someone comes over, Lucky gets one of her toys in her mouth and wants to play (chase is her game). I have decided to be a bit better about that. Other than that, my dogs have a great life. They are well fed, well exercised, and well loved. I hope the treatments work and can put her into remission, at least for a little while. If not, I know that I have given her the best life she could have had. I’m still sad, but coming to terms with it.
Monday was a horrible day. I couldn’t stop crying from the shock of hearing how sick Lucky is and that I will likely loose her. I took her back to the vet for x-rays to see if her internal lymph nodes were swollen. They didn’t appear to be. Then, I came home crawled in bed sobbing for awhile while trying to uselessly take a nap. The vet called back with the x-ray results and options. I set up appointments with the Radiologist for Tuesday and the Oncologist for Wednesday. And, took the dogs to the beach. I used a whole roll of film mostly taking pictures of Lucky having a great time. On the way home, I stopped by the vets to pick up the x-rays and referral reports for both the upcoming appointments.
Tuesday I tried to catch up on work and left early take Lucky to the Radiologist for an ultrasound and a biopsy of her liver and spleen to see if the cancer had invaded those organs yet. I was a tad annoyed because when I made the appointment I specifically asked how long it took to get the results back and whether I would get them back in time for the Oncologist appointment because they had a morning and an afternoon appointment available. I was told it didn’t matter, but when I talked to the dr. she said it would take 24 hours. If I would have taken the early appointment, I could have had them back in time. I would have had to re-arrange about 4 meetings for work to take the early appointment, but would have done it.
Wednesday I had my staff meeting with my team and left for the Oncologist and made it back several hours later about 15 min. late for my boss’s staff meeting. I talked to the Oncologist about pro’s and con’s and chances of survival. I started Lucky on a round of chemotherapy right then. For the record, I have decided to only refer to this as “the treatment” and not “Chemo” because saying or typing the words Chemo makes me sad and seem negative. The treatment, even if it is longer, sounds more positive and hopeful. That afternoon, I found out that they did find cancer cells in both the liver and the spleen. This makes her cancer early Stage 4 (since the cells are present, but the u/s didn't show them to be swollen). Stage 3 would have been better, but the treatment is the same for either Stage 3 or 4.
Thursday I tried to play catch up again at work and am still woefully behind, but left early again for a Chiropractor appointment for me. Dr. Dan is still terrific, but I wasn’t so ready to lure him into bed this month. I came home, walked the dogs, and crashed at 7:30 pm. I slept for 10 hours only waking up every few hours to pee.
Friday was a holiday for work and had planned to work anyway to catch up, but decided to wash the dogs instead. Shadow had waded in some murky water when I took them to the beach on Monday and stunk to high heaven. I gave her a quick bath on Monday night after I gagged and vomited in my flower bed when she passed me getting out of the car, but she still stank and I didn’t want to be around her. After that, I broke down and actually vacuumed the floors in the entire house. It had gotten so bad with me and the dogs tracking in mud that I couldn’t even stand to walk around without socks and slippers/shoes. I had my second OB appointment around lunchtime and left late thinking traffic wouldn’t be bad. WRONG. Managed to get there within 5 min. of my appointment time. The nurse said my blood pressure was a bit high 130/80. I didn’t bother to tell her what a shitty week I had or being stressed about the traffic. I hope that was the cause. Dr. P did an heartbeat check and the baby is still alive. My quad screen results weren’t in yet.
Saturday I took the dogs on a nice hike, did a little work work, fell asleep for 90 min., then hung out in my back yard reading and cuddling/playing with the dogs all afternoon. I got my fountain working. It was a nice sunny warm, but not hot day. I can’t even tell you how sick of cloudy skys and rain I am. In the evening, the neighbor boy (he is 4) came over and played (marbles, piano, marbles, bubbles, putting his feet in the pool, bubbles). He has started coming over every few weeks when he is bored at home and his parents are pre-occupied with something else. After he left, I had dinner, read a bit more, took a bath, tried to read some more and finally gave up and turned off the light at 9:15 pm.
It was a sad, emotional week all in all. The thing is that Lucky doesn’t realize that she is sick. Even after the treatment, she is just fine. Her stool has been a bit soft since then, but basically she is her same normal self. She was getting upset because I was upset. I decided that I didn’t want that. If I only have a little bit of time left with her, I don’t want her worrying about me. I want her happy. So, basically, life is going on and I am going to try to make in mostly normal except for the weekly treatments. I have been a little easier on her than I would have been if I didn’t know her time was limited. The other day when I wanted to walk straight for a shorter walk and she wanted to go right for a longer walk. I gave in. On Friday when we were resting while hiking, I was sitting on a rock and she came up and wanted so “sit” on my lap (she thinks she is a 60 lb lap dog), I let her even though her muddy paws got me all dirty and wet. Yesterday, when we were out in the back yard and she was up in the flower bed barking at the neighbor dogs and squirrels, I didn’t yell at her (like I have for her whole life) to get out of the flower bed. There will be plenty of time for flowers to grow there later.
I was happy to realize that I have no regrets with the time that I have had with my dogs. I don’t have any “if onlys”. On Monday when I was still in shock and coming to terms with the news, I was thinking about how I could make her life better for the time she had left. I realized that I had wanted to take the dogs to the beach, but had been putting it off because I was too busy and tired lately. So I did it then. I realized that I hadn’t “played” with Lucky quite as much as I used too since I was pregnant. When we come home from being out, or I come home, or someone comes over, Lucky gets one of her toys in her mouth and wants to play (chase is her game). I have decided to be a bit better about that. Other than that, my dogs have a great life. They are well fed, well exercised, and well loved. I hope the treatments work and can put her into remission, at least for a little while. If not, I know that I have given her the best life she could have had. I’m still sad, but coming to terms with it.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Lucky has Lymphoma
I can barely stop crying. Without treatment she has 2 – 3 months to live. With treatment, maybe 6 months to 2/3 years. Without additional testing, they don’t know the grade or how wide spread. She needs an X-ray to see if the internal Lymph nodes are affect and testing of her liver and spleen. Then, a referral to a specialist. I can’t remember what kind.
Dr. C says that we don’t really know if we caught it early because I just had her in a few weeks ago and her lymph nodes weren’t swollen then because they can go up and down within days.
Treatment is estimated at $2K up for a 3 month period. There are no guarantees that this will put her in remission. The chemo could be oral drugs or injections. Some dogs tolerate this well and some don’t.
I am still in shock and have taken today as a vacation day.
Whenever I think of my family, Lucky is always a part of that. Me walking the baby and the dog that is what I picture. The baby growing up as Lucky grows old, that is what I picture. I can’t even imagine life without her. She is the best dog in the whole wide world. She is so happy and playful and good with people, especially children. We just met up with her friend Joey on the trail today and they had a grand old time playing. How can she be so sick?
Shadow is 14 and slowing down. I have mentally prepared myself as much as possible for her not living much longer. I never imagined my time with Lucky would be cut short.
I am not sure if it fair to her or not, but I think I need to at least try one round of treatment and if that doesn’t work, deal with the consequences. I love her so much, I can’t just let her go yet with out a little fight. I just can’t.
I just love her so much.
Dr. C says that we don’t really know if we caught it early because I just had her in a few weeks ago and her lymph nodes weren’t swollen then because they can go up and down within days.
Treatment is estimated at $2K up for a 3 month period. There are no guarantees that this will put her in remission. The chemo could be oral drugs or injections. Some dogs tolerate this well and some don’t.
I am still in shock and have taken today as a vacation day.
Whenever I think of my family, Lucky is always a part of that. Me walking the baby and the dog that is what I picture. The baby growing up as Lucky grows old, that is what I picture. I can’t even imagine life without her. She is the best dog in the whole wide world. She is so happy and playful and good with people, especially children. We just met up with her friend Joey on the trail today and they had a grand old time playing. How can she be so sick?
Shadow is 14 and slowing down. I have mentally prepared myself as much as possible for her not living much longer. I never imagined my time with Lucky would be cut short.
I am not sure if it fair to her or not, but I think I need to at least try one round of treatment and if that doesn’t work, deal with the consequences. I love her so much, I can’t just let her go yet with out a little fight. I just can’t.
I just love her so much.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Hip Hip Hurray for Lazy Sunday’s
I almost had plans, but they got cancelled at the last minute. So, I have not a darn thing that I HAVE to do today. I love days like this. They are so rare. Now, all I need is to not obsess over Lucky and whether she is okay or not. There was a mix up at the vet clinic. I asked to be called with her test results on my cell phone since I knew that I would be gone most of the day and didn’t want to miss the call, but the Dr. must not have gotten that note and called me on my home phone. I didn’t get the message until about 3:50 pm and called the clinic right away because they close at 4 pm on Saturday’s. They must have turned the out of office greeting on early or my clocks were behind and I didn’t get to talk to anyone. Now, I am just worrying, but trying not to panic. Dr. C just said she got the results and to call her back. This tells me that they were not normal, because in the past, if it was normal, she said so in the message. I keep telling myself it can’t be anything too bad, right? Lucky isn’t acting like she is sick. She still wants to play and hike and get into trouble. Ugh, first thing Monday, I will find out. I hate waiting. I should have checked my messages earlier, but it just didn’t occur to me.
My yearly review went just fine. Actually, better than I expected it would. I could write tons about that, but think I will go lay down and be lazy instead.
I finished reading this book last night and it just pisses me off when books aren’t ended very well. This author spent 500 pages setting everything up and then rushed through the ending that isn’t even plausible. I hate that. This is the second book I have read recently that didn’t have a good ending. The other one wasn’t really bad, I just didn’t understand it. This one was just plain bad. It was not plausible and after all that work, I just felt the author didn’t know how to end it so made up some stupid implausible ending. Sigh. Maybe I will just stick to t.v for awhile. Okay, probably not.
My yearly review went just fine. Actually, better than I expected it would. I could write tons about that, but think I will go lay down and be lazy instead.
I finished reading this book last night and it just pisses me off when books aren’t ended very well. This author spent 500 pages setting everything up and then rushed through the ending that isn’t even plausible. I hate that. This is the second book I have read recently that didn’t have a good ending. The other one wasn’t really bad, I just didn’t understand it. This one was just plain bad. It was not plausible and after all that work, I just felt the author didn’t know how to end it so made up some stupid implausible ending. Sigh. Maybe I will just stick to t.v for awhile. Okay, probably not.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Poor Lucky
She had ANOTHER trip to the vet this morning. If anyone is counting, this is the 3rd trip this month. The reason: Eye Infection. She was in last week (visit #2) for routine shots that they couldn’t give during visit #1 because she had an abscess in her paw and required 10 days of antibiotics. It hasn’t been her month. However, I just hope that is the least of her/our problems. While she was in today, Dr. C noticed that all of her lymph nodes were swollen and did a biopsy on 3 of them. She saw abnormal cells and is sending them to a pathologist for further analysis. We are also doing a full blood/urine work-up. Dr. C mentioned the “C” word. Got me kind of scared, but I am trying not to get myself worked up until we get the test results back.
Lucky
One of these days, I am going to write a whole post on how pregnancy does make you forgetful. Case in point, on my ttc/pregnancy calendar I wrote that I have an apt. with Dr. P today (OB) and next Friday with Dr. D (Perinatalogist). However, on my work calendar, I have next Friday for Dr. P and the Thurs. after that (3/31) with Dr. D. I freaked out because if I did have an appointment today it would be right at the same time as my annual performance review with my boss. This would not be a good thing. Luckily, I called and it really is next week. Too many dr. appointments for me and Lucky to keep straight right now.
I am a little worried about my annual performance review. This is the first one with this boss. I have only reported to her since last May. She lives/works in Texas and I live/work in California. She is a regional manager with a lot of responsibility and I only have limited interactions with her. I guess it shouldn’t be too bad since I have gotten 2 bonuses this year, a recognition dinner, and I will still be reporting to her effective 4/1 with more responsibility. If she really thought I was doing a crappy job, I am sure I would have been organized out of a job and never seen anything extra. Still, my last boss I reported to for at least 7 years and I knew what to expect. I am sure that it will be fine, but…I guess I wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t worry just a bit, right?
Too much stress and worry today. Okay, deep breath, deep breath. Think Calm Blue Ocean. Maybe I should actually put the pregnancy yoga DVD in the machine and use it today. And/or call my acupuncturist and try to get in for a visit tomorrow. Good plan.
Lucky
One of these days, I am going to write a whole post on how pregnancy does make you forgetful. Case in point, on my ttc/pregnancy calendar I wrote that I have an apt. with Dr. P today (OB) and next Friday with Dr. D (Perinatalogist). However, on my work calendar, I have next Friday for Dr. P and the Thurs. after that (3/31) with Dr. D. I freaked out because if I did have an appointment today it would be right at the same time as my annual performance review with my boss. This would not be a good thing. Luckily, I called and it really is next week. Too many dr. appointments for me and Lucky to keep straight right now.
I am a little worried about my annual performance review. This is the first one with this boss. I have only reported to her since last May. She lives/works in Texas and I live/work in California. She is a regional manager with a lot of responsibility and I only have limited interactions with her. I guess it shouldn’t be too bad since I have gotten 2 bonuses this year, a recognition dinner, and I will still be reporting to her effective 4/1 with more responsibility. If she really thought I was doing a crappy job, I am sure I would have been organized out of a job and never seen anything extra. Still, my last boss I reported to for at least 7 years and I knew what to expect. I am sure that it will be fine, but…I guess I wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t worry just a bit, right?
Too much stress and worry today. Okay, deep breath, deep breath. Think Calm Blue Ocean. Maybe I should actually put the pregnancy yoga DVD in the machine and use it today. And/or call my acupuncturist and try to get in for a visit tomorrow. Good plan.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
On sin and guilt…a light hearted story
Being the good Catholic girl that I am (or not), I feel the need to proclaim my sin/guilt to the world. As I type this, I am drinking a caffeinated Diet Dr. Pepper. I can’t even remember the last time I had caffeine. I think it was sometime this summer just after the miscarriage. I slept well last night falling asleep by 8:30 pm and waking at 6 am, except for waking up at 1:30 am starving and with a stuffy nose; going to the bathroom (#1); blowing my nose; drinking a glass of milk; taking the Costco/Kirkland equivalent of Benadryl; blowing my nose again; vomiting; going to the bathroom (#2); blowing my nose again; and was back to sleep shortly after 2 am. However, today, I am just so tired I can’t even work. I just keep thinking I want to crawl back in bed and sleep more. I have been craving caffeine on and off for few weeks. I actually went so far as to bring a can of soda in from the garage fridge to the house fridge last week, but opted for water or other non-caffeine drinks instead. I may regret it later, but it sure tastes good! I wonder if this means I am finally become more comfortable with the pregnancy being a happy ever after story.
Back to the vomiting, it was more like the hurling early in my pregnancy where you have repeated vomit incidents/expulsions making up one vomit episode. This is unlike my puking on the neighbors lawn a few weeks ago while walking the dogs which were a 1:1 vomit incident = vomit episode. The odd thing about last nights “episode” was that I had just drank a glass of milk and taken a Benadryl, but the milk and Benadryl never game up. I vomited up clear liquid/flem for the first 4 or 5 explosions. Then, I vomited up what looked like a (very, very) few curdles of sour milk and blood mixed with the flem for the next few. Anyone think I should be concerned with vomiting up blood? Anyone? The thing is that when I was blowing my nose, it was bloody snot. I’m thinking that this is what caused it and I shouldn’t really worry about it and I’m not, but feeling guilty thinking I should be.
On a less graphic and maybe more inspiring note, I put in the CD Rom of my u/s yesterday and it does continues play. I can just watch it and watch it and watch it if I want. I found this a good distraction/entertainment during some of the longer, less exciting business meetings I was in yesterday. I showed my mom before we left for dinner. She didn’t seem that interested when I showed her, probably because she couldn’t really tell what she was looking at, but when my sister met up with us at dinner the first thing she told her was “I got to see a picture of the baby…on the computer”. My sister was like WTF until I explained about the u/s being on CD Rom. Her comment was “Oh, they have gotten so much more technically advanced these days”. Ah, family!
The caffeine was good while it lasted, but now it is gone. I guess it is back to work for me. I’m still feeling like I should climb back in bed for the rest of the day, but maybe I will perk up soon.
p.s. My nose is still runny with bloody snot. And, I am thrilled to be going into 3.5 hours of back to back meetings. Hope I can stay awake. I may have to start back up the kid and try to decipher more of the ultrasound.
Back to the vomiting, it was more like the hurling early in my pregnancy where you have repeated vomit incidents/expulsions making up one vomit episode. This is unlike my puking on the neighbors lawn a few weeks ago while walking the dogs which were a 1:1 vomit incident = vomit episode. The odd thing about last nights “episode” was that I had just drank a glass of milk and taken a Benadryl, but the milk and Benadryl never game up. I vomited up clear liquid/flem for the first 4 or 5 explosions. Then, I vomited up what looked like a (very, very) few curdles of sour milk and blood mixed with the flem for the next few. Anyone think I should be concerned with vomiting up blood? Anyone? The thing is that when I was blowing my nose, it was bloody snot. I’m thinking that this is what caused it and I shouldn’t really worry about it and I’m not, but feeling guilty thinking I should be.
On a less graphic and maybe more inspiring note, I put in the CD Rom of my u/s yesterday and it does continues play. I can just watch it and watch it and watch it if I want. I found this a good distraction/entertainment during some of the longer, less exciting business meetings I was in yesterday. I showed my mom before we left for dinner. She didn’t seem that interested when I showed her, probably because she couldn’t really tell what she was looking at, but when my sister met up with us at dinner the first thing she told her was “I got to see a picture of the baby…on the computer”. My sister was like WTF until I explained about the u/s being on CD Rom. Her comment was “Oh, they have gotten so much more technically advanced these days”. Ah, family!
The caffeine was good while it lasted, but now it is gone. I guess it is back to work for me. I’m still feeling like I should climb back in bed for the rest of the day, but maybe I will perk up soon.
p.s. My nose is still runny with bloody snot. And, I am thrilled to be going into 3.5 hours of back to back meetings. Hope I can stay awake. I may have to start back up the kid and try to decipher more of the ultrasound.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Baby is alive and well
All is well. Baby is measuring about 2w ahead. I brought my VHS and got this ultrasound added. I also got 3 very cool pictures, 2 of which are 4d and a CD of the u/s. The baby was in breach position and face down so we didn’t get to see the gender or the details of the heart. The baby turned his/her face at the last minute so we did get to see that and Dr. D said all looks good. I go back in 2 weeks for another u/s. Yeah!
I had a nice talk with a genetics counselor. We talked about triple screen vs. quad screen. The genetics counselor said the quad screen did reduce the false positive and was 8 – 10% more accurate that the triple screen. This was less that what I read on the internet, but still high enough that I will likely do it even if I have to pay out of pocket for it. We also talked about amnio and what it really tested for. Dr. D’s complication rate it 1/300. The national average is 1/200. What I didn’t know is that, this rate is for any type of complication such as leakage, etc. and not necessarily a miscarriage rate which is presumably lower. I need to deicide in the next few weeks, like probably my next visit whether or not I am going to do it or not. Still leaning towards not, but open to the possibility.
I need to have blood drawn within the next day or so for the triple or quad screen so I can have those results by the next u/s. I have my next OB appointment a week from Friday. And, next L2 u/s is in just over 2 weeks. I love this extra monitoring. I really do. Too bad it won’t keep up for the rest of the pregnancy, but maybe by then I will be able to feel the baby and get daily positive reinforcement.
Today is a good day.
I had a nice talk with a genetics counselor. We talked about triple screen vs. quad screen. The genetics counselor said the quad screen did reduce the false positive and was 8 – 10% more accurate that the triple screen. This was less that what I read on the internet, but still high enough that I will likely do it even if I have to pay out of pocket for it. We also talked about amnio and what it really tested for. Dr. D’s complication rate it 1/300. The national average is 1/200. What I didn’t know is that, this rate is for any type of complication such as leakage, etc. and not necessarily a miscarriage rate which is presumably lower. I need to deicide in the next few weeks, like probably my next visit whether or not I am going to do it or not. Still leaning towards not, but open to the possibility.
I need to have blood drawn within the next day or so for the triple or quad screen so I can have those results by the next u/s. I have my next OB appointment a week from Friday. And, next L2 u/s is in just over 2 weeks. I love this extra monitoring. I really do. Too bad it won’t keep up for the rest of the pregnancy, but maybe by then I will be able to feel the baby and get daily positive reinforcement.
Today is a good day.
Monday, March 14, 2005
I’m back and better than ever
I have been taking a much needed break. I didn’t even walk into the computer room this weekend. In fact, if you saw me or spoke to me this weekend, you were one of the privileged few. I don’t think I talked to one non-SMC person the whole weekend.
Saturday, I attended a local SMC meeting. It was a large group this month and they are always so much fun. I ended up getting home much later than planned. Then, I went into major hibernate mode. I had an official “lay about” for the rest of the weekend. Only left the house to walk the dogs. I moved from room to room laying on my bed, the bed in one of my spare rooms, the couch, etc. I don’t think I even turned on the T.V. I went into the land of fiction and fantasy, reading a murder mystery and starting on a family epic. It was great.
I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Okay, so I’m back to feeling tired now, but it was good while it lasted, and I am sure the Peanut M&M’s I had for breakfast didn’t help.
I know I have mentioned this is in other places, but I am not sure that I have here, on my blog. March 15th was the due date for my miscarriage this summer. While I am thrilled that I am currently pregnant and in the second trimester for this pregnancy, it has been hard thinking about what might have been/could have been and that I would be almost at the end of this journey, if only….
I can’t even imagine how hard it would be if I was still trying to conceive again. I know that would be much, much worse.
I have also been struggling with the fact that pregnancy isn’t what I expected it to be. I expected it to be better. I’m not talking about the physical aspects. Truth be told, I miss the 1st Tri symptoms (as sick as that may sound) and have thought on more than one occasion this last week that I don’t even feel pregnant. During my little break, I realized that symptoms are still there, but they are more subtle and a bit harder to see.
I expected the emotional aspects of pregnancy to be better. That I would be happier, more positive. Just…Just….Just more. I decided to go down the ttc path, instead of adoption, because I wanted to experience the miracle of pregnancy and the thrill of having a baby growing inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy, but…I am also more negative and worried than I care to be. This is very unusual and hard for me. I am a happy, optimistic, positive person usually. This is the first situation I can ever remember where I have struggled with negativity. The thing is, you can’t MAKE yourself be positive or optimistic. At least, I am not finding that to be the case. I have tried. I really have. I think I have come to terms with the fact that my feeling are my feelings. They aren’t what I was expecting during pregnancy, but they are valid and they are real and they are mine.
I have been feeling bad because friends and family are starting to ask me about a baby shower and want to start planning one for me. They don’t seem to understand when I respond that I am not sure that I want one. They want me to be happier and more optimistic. I can’t be that person right now. I just can’t. Maybe I will change my mind as things get closer, but I can’t even think about that now. I can’t make those plans only to have it not work out.
I just need to take it in smaller steps, smaller milestones.
I think I mentioned that I recently read someplace (can’t remember where) that pregnancy is not a promise, it is a hope. This sentiment really struck me. I think it is something I will remember and always keep with me. I am hopeful that it will be okay. I don’t have ANY reason to think that it will not. I have too much scar tissue (so to speak) from the ttc process and my miscarriage this summer. I have read and heard too many stories about things going really bad and the person not taking home a baby in the end. Some of these stories are very close to home like a good friend of mine who lost her first child during pre-term labor and her second child in the NICU after 10 days. I know too much at this point. Sometimes, I think the real miracle is that anyone ever has a baby and that things ever work out okay. I know that the majority of the time, it does work out, but there are no guarantees. I can live with that unknown. I just can’t be all Pollyanna and positive.
So, tomorrow, on my “first” due date, bright and early, I will see the Perinatalogist and hope that my “second” baby is still alive and well. I will hope that I get to move on to the next step, the next milestone. I am going to accept that it is normal and acceptable for me to have dead baby thoughts and worry until then. I am not going to fight it anymore.
I am who I am and pregnancy is not what I thought it would be. I don’t have to be positive and happy all the time. I also want to thank all of my SMC friends that I have been able to share either face to face at our meeting or through other means, for allowing me to verbalize my thoughts as I have tried to work through my issues and fears and worries these last few days. I just felt so much better about being me after the SMC meeting on Saturday (and private phone calls before and after that event this last week) for all of the little comments and support and camaraderie. For not expecting me to be “glowing” and “ecstatic”. For letting me be me. I especially appreciate it since the women who were the most supportive are still trying to conceive and would probably give just about anything to be where I am.
Even though I am just posting about this now, I am actually in a calm, peaceful state at the moment. I am not really worried about tomorrow. It took me awhile, but I have come to terms with the fact that the news could be good, bad, or neutral. I have spent the last few days pondering and processing and thinking about this when I wasn’t in the land of fiction. I think I have everything worked out for now in my own mind. I think that probably everything will be fine. I hope that this is true.
On a side note, I still have not decided definitively on amnio. I am leaning towards no, but am open to changing my mind tomorrow during or after my dr. visit. I just can’t imagine terminating in any situation, but would love to have the information. If it were 100% risk free, I would go for it no questions asked. I just know that if I did it and I did have a miscarriage as a result, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I try to live my life so that I have no regrets.
I’m back. I’m less crabby and more at peace.
Saturday, I attended a local SMC meeting. It was a large group this month and they are always so much fun. I ended up getting home much later than planned. Then, I went into major hibernate mode. I had an official “lay about” for the rest of the weekend. Only left the house to walk the dogs. I moved from room to room laying on my bed, the bed in one of my spare rooms, the couch, etc. I don’t think I even turned on the T.V. I went into the land of fiction and fantasy, reading a murder mystery and starting on a family epic. It was great.
I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Okay, so I’m back to feeling tired now, but it was good while it lasted, and I am sure the Peanut M&M’s I had for breakfast didn’t help.
I know I have mentioned this is in other places, but I am not sure that I have here, on my blog. March 15th was the due date for my miscarriage this summer. While I am thrilled that I am currently pregnant and in the second trimester for this pregnancy, it has been hard thinking about what might have been/could have been and that I would be almost at the end of this journey, if only….
I can’t even imagine how hard it would be if I was still trying to conceive again. I know that would be much, much worse.
I have also been struggling with the fact that pregnancy isn’t what I expected it to be. I expected it to be better. I’m not talking about the physical aspects. Truth be told, I miss the 1st Tri symptoms (as sick as that may sound) and have thought on more than one occasion this last week that I don’t even feel pregnant. During my little break, I realized that symptoms are still there, but they are more subtle and a bit harder to see.
I expected the emotional aspects of pregnancy to be better. That I would be happier, more positive. Just…Just….Just more. I decided to go down the ttc path, instead of adoption, because I wanted to experience the miracle of pregnancy and the thrill of having a baby growing inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy, but…I am also more negative and worried than I care to be. This is very unusual and hard for me. I am a happy, optimistic, positive person usually. This is the first situation I can ever remember where I have struggled with negativity. The thing is, you can’t MAKE yourself be positive or optimistic. At least, I am not finding that to be the case. I have tried. I really have. I think I have come to terms with the fact that my feeling are my feelings. They aren’t what I was expecting during pregnancy, but they are valid and they are real and they are mine.
I have been feeling bad because friends and family are starting to ask me about a baby shower and want to start planning one for me. They don’t seem to understand when I respond that I am not sure that I want one. They want me to be happier and more optimistic. I can’t be that person right now. I just can’t. Maybe I will change my mind as things get closer, but I can’t even think about that now. I can’t make those plans only to have it not work out.
I just need to take it in smaller steps, smaller milestones.
I think I mentioned that I recently read someplace (can’t remember where) that pregnancy is not a promise, it is a hope. This sentiment really struck me. I think it is something I will remember and always keep with me. I am hopeful that it will be okay. I don’t have ANY reason to think that it will not. I have too much scar tissue (so to speak) from the ttc process and my miscarriage this summer. I have read and heard too many stories about things going really bad and the person not taking home a baby in the end. Some of these stories are very close to home like a good friend of mine who lost her first child during pre-term labor and her second child in the NICU after 10 days. I know too much at this point. Sometimes, I think the real miracle is that anyone ever has a baby and that things ever work out okay. I know that the majority of the time, it does work out, but there are no guarantees. I can live with that unknown. I just can’t be all Pollyanna and positive.
So, tomorrow, on my “first” due date, bright and early, I will see the Perinatalogist and hope that my “second” baby is still alive and well. I will hope that I get to move on to the next step, the next milestone. I am going to accept that it is normal and acceptable for me to have dead baby thoughts and worry until then. I am not going to fight it anymore.
I am who I am and pregnancy is not what I thought it would be. I don’t have to be positive and happy all the time. I also want to thank all of my SMC friends that I have been able to share either face to face at our meeting or through other means, for allowing me to verbalize my thoughts as I have tried to work through my issues and fears and worries these last few days. I just felt so much better about being me after the SMC meeting on Saturday (and private phone calls before and after that event this last week) for all of the little comments and support and camaraderie. For not expecting me to be “glowing” and “ecstatic”. For letting me be me. I especially appreciate it since the women who were the most supportive are still trying to conceive and would probably give just about anything to be where I am.
Even though I am just posting about this now, I am actually in a calm, peaceful state at the moment. I am not really worried about tomorrow. It took me awhile, but I have come to terms with the fact that the news could be good, bad, or neutral. I have spent the last few days pondering and processing and thinking about this when I wasn’t in the land of fiction. I think I have everything worked out for now in my own mind. I think that probably everything will be fine. I hope that this is true.
On a side note, I still have not decided definitively on amnio. I am leaning towards no, but am open to changing my mind tomorrow during or after my dr. visit. I just can’t imagine terminating in any situation, but would love to have the information. If it were 100% risk free, I would go for it no questions asked. I just know that if I did it and I did have a miscarriage as a result, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I try to live my life so that I have no regrets.
I’m back. I’m less crabby and more at peace.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Feeling Crabby
I’m feeling crabby and I feel like complaining. In general, I am (or at least I THINK I am) an easy going, positive person. I am not usually one to complain. The most negative I ever remember being, over the long haul, is actually with this pregnancy and whether it will ultimately work out. Over the last day or two, I have come to the conclusion that I must have turned a corner. I have come to realize that I am starting to expect that everything will be okay. I know that, in theory, things can go terribly wrong at any time, but it seems more theoretical at the moment. I find this scary.
I have managed to gain almost 4 – 5 lbs the last few days bringing me back to my pre-pregnancy weight. This pisses me off. I was hoping not to be here for at least another month. I have been eating shitty junk all week. I need to be better. It is just so much harder now that the morning sickness/nausea have gone. The thought of unhealthy food those first few months was just so unappealing; it was easy to eat healthy. I want to give the baby the proper nutrients. I don’t want to get gestational diabetes. I don’t want to have such a large child that I am forced into c-section. I am just finding it REALLY hard this week.
I’m tired. Everyone who has told me that I would feel energetic in the second trimester is a LIAR. I don’t. I’m not the sleepy, can’t do anything else, but lay down tired like the first tri, but I am not full of energy either. Everything seems to be such an effort. I wake up groggy and have to force myself up and out of bed, which is very unusual for me. Walking/hiking the dogs is just such an effort right now. I don’t really want to do anything or see anyone (okay, this is a slight exaggeration, but not a total one), but I seem to have stuff going on every day.
I hurt. My knees hurt. My back hurts. I’m still waking up at night because my back hurts. I read that I must start to train myself now at 16w to sleep on my left side and that laying flat on your back is a no-no at this point going forward because you can hurt the baby. I think it can cut of the air supply and the baby can asphyxiate, or something like that. I should probably go look that up again. Normally, I sleep on my left side anyway, but I keep waking up sleeping on my back because it is hurting and that is what I do when my back hurts. Now, just so you don’t feel too sorry for me, I doesn’t hurt enough that I have actually taken Tylenol or anything. It isn’t debilitating, just annoying and nagging.
I can’t seem to get anything concrete accomplished. There are a few things at work that really need to get done. They are important (not critical) and past due, but I can’t seem to care enough to actually do them.
I need to due my taxes and will actually get money back, but even this is not enough to motivate me. The thought of it is too overwhelming. Plus, there are questions I have around my medical expenses for last year like can I claim everything I spent even if services weren’t rendered. I ended up overpaying on my first two cycles because of the billed vs. allowed amount and, I think, I may still have a credit. Since I paid it last year, can I claim it on last years taxes. On the flip side, I saw the dentist (remember that infection I had in December during my cycle), but didn’t pay my portion until this month. Do I claim that on this years taxes? Plus, I think I would like to have a nanny the first year after the baby is born, but have heard that I need to “take out” employment tax, etc. This just seems too complicated. It is not as if I actually DO my own taxes. Heavens no, I pay an accountant to do that because I actually despise even thinking about it (can you tell), but I still need to pull things together for him.
I still have not sent back that fetal heart monitor. I still have not bought a 2005 calendar. I still have not redeemed the gift card I received for Christmas for new hiking boots and walking shoes. I need toner for my printer. I really need these things. Every day, I think about how much I need to take care of this stuff. Every day, it still does not get done.
My cousin IM’d me to tell me how much she misses me and how she has tried to get a hold of me everyday. Like I don’t know this. She has called. She has email. She has IM’d. Now, I both love and like my cousin. But this just annoyed the shit out of me. I actually responded and told her that I did get all of her attempts but that work has been busy and I have been tired. She told me that she knows this, but just misses me and hopes that everything is well. Then she went on to complain about her work, her kids, her life. I just haven’t been in the mood for this.
My mom came over for dinner. Yes, it is Wednesday again. She was nice enough to do my dishes for me, again. When she was done, she came in to my office to tell me that she had done that for me and that she STILL remembers being pregnant. I did thank her. I guess I could have been a bit more grateful, but…it just annoyed me as well. I didn’t ask her to do it. I’m glad that I don’t have to, but…did I mention that I am feeling a bit cranky?
The election was okay yesterday. I have decided, once again, that I really don’t like the Inspector (worker in charge) very much and she was actually the nicest she has ever been. She is just a bit too bossy for me. The type of bossy where she wants everyone else to do the work and she just supervises. I hate that. I ended up working/helping out more than usual because 2 out of the 4 scheduled workers didn’t show up. It was slow enough that 2 of them could have done it, but they did need breaks for dinner and lunch because you need at least 2 workers at all times. After lunch she brings back her male “house guest” to help, but he was so incompetent that the only job we could give him was to hand out and take the ballots. I could probably go on for awhile about this topic, but I will stop now. It really wasn’t that bad, just annoying. And, I was just tired and not in the mood.
My web browser seems to be missing an important .dll and I keep getting messages that it is not there and do I want to continue. Yes. Do I want to send Microsoft a notification of the error? No. Why don’t they ask me if I want them to automatically fix the damn problem so I don’t get the stupid message any more?
Hmm. I am sure that I could find more to whine and complain about while I am at it, but I guess I will spare us all and call it quits.
Really, things aren’t THAT bad. Just one of those days.
I have managed to gain almost 4 – 5 lbs the last few days bringing me back to my pre-pregnancy weight. This pisses me off. I was hoping not to be here for at least another month. I have been eating shitty junk all week. I need to be better. It is just so much harder now that the morning sickness/nausea have gone. The thought of unhealthy food those first few months was just so unappealing; it was easy to eat healthy. I want to give the baby the proper nutrients. I don’t want to get gestational diabetes. I don’t want to have such a large child that I am forced into c-section. I am just finding it REALLY hard this week.
I’m tired. Everyone who has told me that I would feel energetic in the second trimester is a LIAR. I don’t. I’m not the sleepy, can’t do anything else, but lay down tired like the first tri, but I am not full of energy either. Everything seems to be such an effort. I wake up groggy and have to force myself up and out of bed, which is very unusual for me. Walking/hiking the dogs is just such an effort right now. I don’t really want to do anything or see anyone (okay, this is a slight exaggeration, but not a total one), but I seem to have stuff going on every day.
I hurt. My knees hurt. My back hurts. I’m still waking up at night because my back hurts. I read that I must start to train myself now at 16w to sleep on my left side and that laying flat on your back is a no-no at this point going forward because you can hurt the baby. I think it can cut of the air supply and the baby can asphyxiate, or something like that. I should probably go look that up again. Normally, I sleep on my left side anyway, but I keep waking up sleeping on my back because it is hurting and that is what I do when my back hurts. Now, just so you don’t feel too sorry for me, I doesn’t hurt enough that I have actually taken Tylenol or anything. It isn’t debilitating, just annoying and nagging.
I can’t seem to get anything concrete accomplished. There are a few things at work that really need to get done. They are important (not critical) and past due, but I can’t seem to care enough to actually do them.
I need to due my taxes and will actually get money back, but even this is not enough to motivate me. The thought of it is too overwhelming. Plus, there are questions I have around my medical expenses for last year like can I claim everything I spent even if services weren’t rendered. I ended up overpaying on my first two cycles because of the billed vs. allowed amount and, I think, I may still have a credit. Since I paid it last year, can I claim it on last years taxes. On the flip side, I saw the dentist (remember that infection I had in December during my cycle), but didn’t pay my portion until this month. Do I claim that on this years taxes? Plus, I think I would like to have a nanny the first year after the baby is born, but have heard that I need to “take out” employment tax, etc. This just seems too complicated. It is not as if I actually DO my own taxes. Heavens no, I pay an accountant to do that because I actually despise even thinking about it (can you tell), but I still need to pull things together for him.
I still have not sent back that fetal heart monitor. I still have not bought a 2005 calendar. I still have not redeemed the gift card I received for Christmas for new hiking boots and walking shoes. I need toner for my printer. I really need these things. Every day, I think about how much I need to take care of this stuff. Every day, it still does not get done.
My cousin IM’d me to tell me how much she misses me and how she has tried to get a hold of me everyday. Like I don’t know this. She has called. She has email. She has IM’d. Now, I both love and like my cousin. But this just annoyed the shit out of me. I actually responded and told her that I did get all of her attempts but that work has been busy and I have been tired. She told me that she knows this, but just misses me and hopes that everything is well. Then she went on to complain about her work, her kids, her life. I just haven’t been in the mood for this.
My mom came over for dinner. Yes, it is Wednesday again. She was nice enough to do my dishes for me, again. When she was done, she came in to my office to tell me that she had done that for me and that she STILL remembers being pregnant. I did thank her. I guess I could have been a bit more grateful, but…it just annoyed me as well. I didn’t ask her to do it. I’m glad that I don’t have to, but…did I mention that I am feeling a bit cranky?
The election was okay yesterday. I have decided, once again, that I really don’t like the Inspector (worker in charge) very much and she was actually the nicest she has ever been. She is just a bit too bossy for me. The type of bossy where she wants everyone else to do the work and she just supervises. I hate that. I ended up working/helping out more than usual because 2 out of the 4 scheduled workers didn’t show up. It was slow enough that 2 of them could have done it, but they did need breaks for dinner and lunch because you need at least 2 workers at all times. After lunch she brings back her male “house guest” to help, but he was so incompetent that the only job we could give him was to hand out and take the ballots. I could probably go on for awhile about this topic, but I will stop now. It really wasn’t that bad, just annoying. And, I was just tired and not in the mood.
My web browser seems to be missing an important .dll and I keep getting messages that it is not there and do I want to continue. Yes. Do I want to send Microsoft a notification of the error? No. Why don’t they ask me if I want them to automatically fix the damn problem so I don’t get the stupid message any more?
Hmm. I am sure that I could find more to whine and complain about while I am at it, but I guess I will spare us all and call it quits.
Really, things aren’t THAT bad. Just one of those days.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Bought and Paid For
My garage is the polling place for my precinct. Too tired to tell the story about how that came about tonight, but I have been doing this for 6+ years now. Tomorrow is a Los Angeles City Election. We are voting for Mayor, City Council, and a few other things that I need to review after I find and dust off my sample ballot. I have no excuse for not voting no matter how small or few items on the ballot. No time to research the issues just doesn’t cut it in my book so I had better get on it.
The inspector and poll workers can change from time to time, but surprisingly there are quite a few repeats for my location. I think one of the big draws is that I always make a nice dinner for the workers so they don’t have to worry about rushing out to get something since dinner time is always the busiest time. Chicken Enchiladas are on the menu for tomorrow. (If any Pasadena SMC’ers are checking in, get your taste buds ready because I made several batches and plan to take one to our meeting next week!)
Anyway, the current inspector likes to get everything set up the night before. For City Elections, they use cardboard voting booths that you just recycle afterwards. As we were setting up, she commented that it was too bad that I didn’t have kids because they get a kick out of using them for forts, etc. once the election (tomorrow) and run off (May) are done. I agreed and told her that I have saved them for my cousins’ kids for when they visit in the summer, but that if things go well, I would have a kid to use them by the end of the year. She stopped what she was doing and said “What?” I think trying to figure out if she heard me right. LOL. I said, I’m 4 months pregnant and if all goes well, I should have a kid by the end of the year. She said, “Are congratulations in order?” I responded by saying that I am very happy and it was a planned pregnancy…the first time I was able to use “my line”. It didn’t stop her cold, like I hoped it would, and she went on to ask if there was a father in the picture. I hesitated briefly because one of the neighbor boys who is in Jr. High School came over the help set up and I wasn’t sure I wanted to get into it in front of him, plus I was a bit disappointed that my explanation didn’t stop her from more questions. I guess my hesitation was enough time to for her to think and she comes back with, “ahh, bought and paid for?” I just started laughing.
Hours later and I am still laughing. I may have to use that line just because I think it is so funny!!
The inspector and poll workers can change from time to time, but surprisingly there are quite a few repeats for my location. I think one of the big draws is that I always make a nice dinner for the workers so they don’t have to worry about rushing out to get something since dinner time is always the busiest time. Chicken Enchiladas are on the menu for tomorrow. (If any Pasadena SMC’ers are checking in, get your taste buds ready because I made several batches and plan to take one to our meeting next week!)
Anyway, the current inspector likes to get everything set up the night before. For City Elections, they use cardboard voting booths that you just recycle afterwards. As we were setting up, she commented that it was too bad that I didn’t have kids because they get a kick out of using them for forts, etc. once the election (tomorrow) and run off (May) are done. I agreed and told her that I have saved them for my cousins’ kids for when they visit in the summer, but that if things go well, I would have a kid to use them by the end of the year. She stopped what she was doing and said “What?” I think trying to figure out if she heard me right. LOL. I said, I’m 4 months pregnant and if all goes well, I should have a kid by the end of the year. She said, “Are congratulations in order?” I responded by saying that I am very happy and it was a planned pregnancy…the first time I was able to use “my line”. It didn’t stop her cold, like I hoped it would, and she went on to ask if there was a father in the picture. I hesitated briefly because one of the neighbor boys who is in Jr. High School came over the help set up and I wasn’t sure I wanted to get into it in front of him, plus I was a bit disappointed that my explanation didn’t stop her from more questions. I guess my hesitation was enough time to for her to think and she comes back with, “ahh, bought and paid for?” I just started laughing.
Hours later and I am still laughing. I may have to use that line just because I think it is so funny!!
Friday, March 04, 2005
Dr. Dan
I saw Dr. Dan today. He is my chiropractor. I haven’t seen him since early to mid November because late November/early December was filled with my cycle and then worrying about miscarrying. Then, my RE didn’t recommend me seeing him as a precaution. I was worried and tired enough that I took that advice and hadn’t scheduled anything. Dr. Dan’s assistant called a month or so ago to see how I was doing since I hadn’t been in so long. I told them about my pregnancy and that my dr. didn’t recommend it. They were thrilled for me, was glad that all was okay, and understood.
I don’t think I have mentioned this, but my back has really been bothering me lately. I sit in front of a computer and am on the phone all day. My posture isn’t great and I tend to hold stress into my shoulders. Work has been more stressful lately. Before pregnancy, I would lift weights a few times a week in a short routine developed by Dr. Dan to strengthen, tone, and keep my upper body in alignment. While at the gym, I would also do some basic back stretches. All of that has gone by the way side and it has taken its toll in my back. The last week or so I haven’t been sleeping as well due to the back pain and have gotten more headaches than I can remember and I knew it was because of my back and neck being out of alignment and too tight. I tried to do some home stretching, which helped a little, but I let things get too far gone. I went to see my acupuncturist and she gave me a treatment and a massage, which felt great and helped a little, but not enough. Finally, I called Dr. Dan’s office earlier in the week and asked if he thought treatment would cause a problem for the pregnancy and if he could just do an upper body adjustment, since my RE specifically said lower body ones could cause problems. He said an adjustment and massage would be good and cause no problem for the pregnancy. I really trust his opinion and scheduled an appointment.
It was so great to see him. He said today that his son was now 9 and I started seeing him when his son was 3 or 4. What is that, about 6 + years? He was so cute, after congratulating me and getting caught up, he casually mentions “so, in all the years you have been coming here, I didn’t know you were married.” I assured him that I wasn’t and that this was a solo venture. The first thing he said to this was, “that’s terrific, you will make a great mother.” Have I mentioned yet that I love this man? He went on to say that he got into a great debate with Tracy, his old assistant, about it and she kept insisting that I was and he was insisting that I wasn’t. He told me that I had mentioned my dogs, and cousins, and sisters, and work, but no husband. I really had to laugh that so much speculation and discussion went into it. I’m still laughing as I sit here typing.
Yes, I love Dr. Dan. Not in a I want to marry him kind of way, but in a he is the most intelligent man that I think I have ever met kind of way; in a he has improved the quality of my life kind of way. A few years ago, two months in a row, my hip was out of alignment. He asked me what was going on and what I had been up to. We reviewed my last two months and he figured out that all of the traveling I was doing for work and hauling my laptop and work bag over my shoulder was causing the problem. He recommended moving to a backpack carrying case for the laptop. My hip hasn’t been out of alignment since. This is just one very small example of improvements that he has helped me make in my life over the years.
Dr. Dan used to be a professional body builder and still lifts weights. I think he has even been in a movie or two. He is a great father who shares custody of his son 50/50. You can tell he clearly adores and has fun with his son. He struggles with his weight (as do I) and has been on every diet known to man and still struggles. This endears him even more to me. I wouldn’t want to marry him, but he does have many, many qualities I find attractive in a man. He said the happiest time in his life was when he and his wife brought his son home from the hospital and how much better of a person he was because of his son. How can you NOT love a man like that?
Now that we are clear that I am not looking for life long commitment with the guy, I think he is a hottie and I would sleep with him in a minute if he ever initiated. If his skills in the sack are anything like his masseuse skills, he has got to be a great lover. If I weren’t so afraid of making a fool out of myself and worried about loosing a terrific chiropractor who gives the best massages I have ever had (his butt massage is indescribable), I would make the move myself. Even if he did have any interest, which I find doubtful; his integrity would never let him get intimate with a patient. Hmm, but a girl can dream and imagine.
Anyway, I am back on track with seeing Dr. Dan and my middle back was so tight, he couldn’t really even adjust. And, I will try to be better about doing my stretches. He has a little special pad with a cut out for the belly all ready for later in the pregnancy when it gets uncomfortable to lay on my tummy. It wasn’t today, but my left boob really was squashed and I may use it next time just for that reason to see if that would help.
As much as I loved the visit and trust Dr. Dan, I am back to worrying about miscarriage. Not the general idea, it can still happen worry, but the I will regret it for the rest of my life if something happens in a few days from now, really deep down worry.
It is funny, the whole situation reminded me again of how much of my miscarriage this summer that I have blocked from my memory. I remember that I had a visit to Dr. Dan sometime before I had the miscarriage. I have never told anyone IRL this, but I was really worried that might have caused it. I suppressed and even forgot the entire thing until my visit today. At the time, I never asked Dr. N, because I knew that I just couldn’t take the answer if it was yes. I never told Dr. Dan last time that I was pregnant. It was so early that I wasn’t really telling anyone yet. Today, while I was in, Dr. Dan was explaining that adjustments were safe at any time during pregnancy and up until delivery, but since things were still attaching during the first 3 months, he would not recommend it in a case of reoccurring pregnancy loss until at least the fourth month. It brought all the old, suppressed worry back in force. Intellectually, I know that it was unlikely to be the cause and even if it was, I didn’t know what I didn’t know at the time, and feeling guilty now is pointless. But, I am more unreasonably worried than I have been in awhile about miscarriage. Yes, I have been a bit crampy today, but not any more so than I have on other occasions during this pregnancy. I hold onto the fact that it is probable that I would have vomited again on my walk tonight had I not thought to suck on a preggo pop as I had earlier in my pregnancy to avoid my lawn puking fear (turned reality).
I have vowed to myself not to only select data points that support my paranoia while forgetting other, pregnancy affirming data points. I have vowed not to obsess over the cause of my m/c this summer now that my deepest fear around it has been unsuppressed. I would like to vow that I will not worry about another m/c, but I don’t think I can keep that so I will vow not to obsessively worry unless I start spotting or bleeding sometime this week. And, then of course, I would freak out and demand a live baby check.
I am now looking even more forward to my Level 2 u/s. Thank God that they want me in around 17 w instead of 20. I think the waiting will be even harder now. In the meantime, let’s hope the visit was worth it and my back pains lessen and the headaches stay at bay!
I should create a count down ticker. Eleven days and counting until next live baby check.
I don’t think I have mentioned this, but my back has really been bothering me lately. I sit in front of a computer and am on the phone all day. My posture isn’t great and I tend to hold stress into my shoulders. Work has been more stressful lately. Before pregnancy, I would lift weights a few times a week in a short routine developed by Dr. Dan to strengthen, tone, and keep my upper body in alignment. While at the gym, I would also do some basic back stretches. All of that has gone by the way side and it has taken its toll in my back. The last week or so I haven’t been sleeping as well due to the back pain and have gotten more headaches than I can remember and I knew it was because of my back and neck being out of alignment and too tight. I tried to do some home stretching, which helped a little, but I let things get too far gone. I went to see my acupuncturist and she gave me a treatment and a massage, which felt great and helped a little, but not enough. Finally, I called Dr. Dan’s office earlier in the week and asked if he thought treatment would cause a problem for the pregnancy and if he could just do an upper body adjustment, since my RE specifically said lower body ones could cause problems. He said an adjustment and massage would be good and cause no problem for the pregnancy. I really trust his opinion and scheduled an appointment.
It was so great to see him. He said today that his son was now 9 and I started seeing him when his son was 3 or 4. What is that, about 6 + years? He was so cute, after congratulating me and getting caught up, he casually mentions “so, in all the years you have been coming here, I didn’t know you were married.” I assured him that I wasn’t and that this was a solo venture. The first thing he said to this was, “that’s terrific, you will make a great mother.” Have I mentioned yet that I love this man? He went on to say that he got into a great debate with Tracy, his old assistant, about it and she kept insisting that I was and he was insisting that I wasn’t. He told me that I had mentioned my dogs, and cousins, and sisters, and work, but no husband. I really had to laugh that so much speculation and discussion went into it. I’m still laughing as I sit here typing.
Yes, I love Dr. Dan. Not in a I want to marry him kind of way, but in a he is the most intelligent man that I think I have ever met kind of way; in a he has improved the quality of my life kind of way. A few years ago, two months in a row, my hip was out of alignment. He asked me what was going on and what I had been up to. We reviewed my last two months and he figured out that all of the traveling I was doing for work and hauling my laptop and work bag over my shoulder was causing the problem. He recommended moving to a backpack carrying case for the laptop. My hip hasn’t been out of alignment since. This is just one very small example of improvements that he has helped me make in my life over the years.
Dr. Dan used to be a professional body builder and still lifts weights. I think he has even been in a movie or two. He is a great father who shares custody of his son 50/50. You can tell he clearly adores and has fun with his son. He struggles with his weight (as do I) and has been on every diet known to man and still struggles. This endears him even more to me. I wouldn’t want to marry him, but he does have many, many qualities I find attractive in a man. He said the happiest time in his life was when he and his wife brought his son home from the hospital and how much better of a person he was because of his son. How can you NOT love a man like that?
Now that we are clear that I am not looking for life long commitment with the guy, I think he is a hottie and I would sleep with him in a minute if he ever initiated. If his skills in the sack are anything like his masseuse skills, he has got to be a great lover. If I weren’t so afraid of making a fool out of myself and worried about loosing a terrific chiropractor who gives the best massages I have ever had (his butt massage is indescribable), I would make the move myself. Even if he did have any interest, which I find doubtful; his integrity would never let him get intimate with a patient. Hmm, but a girl can dream and imagine.
Anyway, I am back on track with seeing Dr. Dan and my middle back was so tight, he couldn’t really even adjust. And, I will try to be better about doing my stretches. He has a little special pad with a cut out for the belly all ready for later in the pregnancy when it gets uncomfortable to lay on my tummy. It wasn’t today, but my left boob really was squashed and I may use it next time just for that reason to see if that would help.
As much as I loved the visit and trust Dr. Dan, I am back to worrying about miscarriage. Not the general idea, it can still happen worry, but the I will regret it for the rest of my life if something happens in a few days from now, really deep down worry.
It is funny, the whole situation reminded me again of how much of my miscarriage this summer that I have blocked from my memory. I remember that I had a visit to Dr. Dan sometime before I had the miscarriage. I have never told anyone IRL this, but I was really worried that might have caused it. I suppressed and even forgot the entire thing until my visit today. At the time, I never asked Dr. N, because I knew that I just couldn’t take the answer if it was yes. I never told Dr. Dan last time that I was pregnant. It was so early that I wasn’t really telling anyone yet. Today, while I was in, Dr. Dan was explaining that adjustments were safe at any time during pregnancy and up until delivery, but since things were still attaching during the first 3 months, he would not recommend it in a case of reoccurring pregnancy loss until at least the fourth month. It brought all the old, suppressed worry back in force. Intellectually, I know that it was unlikely to be the cause and even if it was, I didn’t know what I didn’t know at the time, and feeling guilty now is pointless. But, I am more unreasonably worried than I have been in awhile about miscarriage. Yes, I have been a bit crampy today, but not any more so than I have on other occasions during this pregnancy. I hold onto the fact that it is probable that I would have vomited again on my walk tonight had I not thought to suck on a preggo pop as I had earlier in my pregnancy to avoid my lawn puking fear (turned reality).
I have vowed to myself not to only select data points that support my paranoia while forgetting other, pregnancy affirming data points. I have vowed not to obsess over the cause of my m/c this summer now that my deepest fear around it has been unsuppressed. I would like to vow that I will not worry about another m/c, but I don’t think I can keep that so I will vow not to obsessively worry unless I start spotting or bleeding sometime this week. And, then of course, I would freak out and demand a live baby check.
I am now looking even more forward to my Level 2 u/s. Thank God that they want me in around 17 w instead of 20. I think the waiting will be even harder now. In the meantime, let’s hope the visit was worth it and my back pains lessen and the headaches stay at bay!
I should create a count down ticker. Eleven days and counting until next live baby check.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Grease and Beef
My icky crampy feeling went away quickly once I had dinner last night. I guess I just needed some grease and some beef in my diet. Mom and I decided to go to Chili’s. I haven’t been there in years. It is not part of our regular restaurant rotation. As I mentioned, I was looking for something different. They had this one pasta dish that I had last time I went years and years ago that I had a taste (No, NOT a CRAVING) for. Unfortunately, it was no longer on the menu. So, grease and beef it was. Mom and I shared an Awesome Blossom and I opted for a hamburger. It hit the spot.
I managed to walk the dogs with the dinner staying in tack. Wow, it was actually quite an uneventful walk after the last few nights.
I was happy to have enough leftovers to have a nice second helping today. Hmm, it was almost as good.
One of these days soon, I really need to make it to the grocery store. Shoot, for that matter, one of these days soon, I really need to empty my dishwasher and water my dying indoor plants. I also should return some of the phone calls that have been coming in that I have missed or been too tired to take. What I will likely do instead is get off the computer, go walk the dogs, open and close my cupboards and fridge several times looking for something desirable to eat, settle on cereal since it is really all I have left (using the last of the milk), read a chapter of this book that is very interesting, before deciding that I can’t keep my eyes open another minute and must fall asleep, wake up in the middle of the night starving and still have nothing to eat, settle on cereal with chocolate milk (using the last of that), hope I fall back asleep, then start all over again tomorrow.
I think tomorrow, I really MUST find the energy to get groceries.
Interesting, as I write this, I realize my life might revolve around food. Hey, a pregnant lady needs to eat at regular intervals you know! Also interesting is that while I may feel like I eat all day long and much more than I used to, I have not gained any weight to speak of. I lost about 6 lbs the first few months and gained back about 2 lbs a few weeks ago and have held within a few pounds depending on how much and what I eat in the middle of the night when I wake up starved, how many bowel movements I have had that day, how much salty food I ate the prior day causing water retention, etc.
What has been my biggest craving over time so far? Oranges. Followed by Orange Juice and Lemonade. Sadly, I have been out of oranges or any citrus type fruit for days. I must get more. I must go to the grocery store. Tomorrow.
I managed to walk the dogs with the dinner staying in tack. Wow, it was actually quite an uneventful walk after the last few nights.
I was happy to have enough leftovers to have a nice second helping today. Hmm, it was almost as good.
One of these days soon, I really need to make it to the grocery store. Shoot, for that matter, one of these days soon, I really need to empty my dishwasher and water my dying indoor plants. I also should return some of the phone calls that have been coming in that I have missed or been too tired to take. What I will likely do instead is get off the computer, go walk the dogs, open and close my cupboards and fridge several times looking for something desirable to eat, settle on cereal since it is really all I have left (using the last of the milk), read a chapter of this book that is very interesting, before deciding that I can’t keep my eyes open another minute and must fall asleep, wake up in the middle of the night starving and still have nothing to eat, settle on cereal with chocolate milk (using the last of that), hope I fall back asleep, then start all over again tomorrow.
I think tomorrow, I really MUST find the energy to get groceries.
Interesting, as I write this, I realize my life might revolve around food. Hey, a pregnant lady needs to eat at regular intervals you know! Also interesting is that while I may feel like I eat all day long and much more than I used to, I have not gained any weight to speak of. I lost about 6 lbs the first few months and gained back about 2 lbs a few weeks ago and have held within a few pounds depending on how much and what I eat in the middle of the night when I wake up starved, how many bowel movements I have had that day, how much salty food I ate the prior day causing water retention, etc.
What has been my biggest craving over time so far? Oranges. Followed by Orange Juice and Lemonade. Sadly, I have been out of oranges or any citrus type fruit for days. I must get more. I must go to the grocery store. Tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
It happened! Again! With a twist!
I was walking my dogs last night. You can see where this is going, right? We have a couple of set routes we usually take. Lucky’s favorite route and then the others that I convince them to take for variety. Usually, Lucky tries to go on the longest possible route and used to try to pass by the house pretending it wasn’t home to try to get a longer walk. Last night, she was picking a route that would take us almost directly back home. Anyway, I digress. We are walking along on an “off” route. Shadow does her business. I go to pick it up. Gag. Barf. Drat. It is one of the busier streets in the neighborhood. Lucky, who was eating grass during all of this, gets off the grass and barfs. Walks a few steps and barfs again. Both times right on the sidewalk. At least I was considerate enough to barf on the grass. LOL. I thought about trying to pick it up, but decided to not since there was still more in my stomach and I would probably just add to the mess. Oh my! What a sight! I figured out why Lucky wanted a short route. After she got it out of her tummy, she has seemed to feel just fine since and changed directions to have a longer trip.
I got home and had a headache that wouldn’t quit. I decided to take some Tylenol to try to take the edge off. That stayed down about 3 minutes before coming up with the rest of the contents of my stomach. I think this headache was the closest I have ever come to a migraine. I took a warm bath and then climbed in bed. Reading was out. I didn’t want TV. I just laid there in the dark quietly for awhile and it got better. Work was REALLY busy and I was in meetings or one the phone almost the entire day. I guess I just needed some peace and quite.
Switching gears and moving to the here and now, I think I have been doing a good job of not obsessively worrying and keeping my paranoia in check. Currently, I have that icky, crampy, I am about to start my period feeling. It is making me worried. I don’t like it. I don’t mind the being tired, or the vomiting (even on public streets:), or even the almost migraine like headache last night. I don’t like this feeling. No spotting. Yes, I have been checking regularly. If I do, you can bet I will freak and will break down and actually call my OB.
The good news is that I called the Perinatologist that my OB recommended and they wanted to see me at around 17 weeks. Yeah, another ultrasound in two weeks (assuming I don’t need one sooner for the above described situation). The bad news is that I need to decide by then about the amnio. Other not so great news is that I need to reschedule 3 meetings (including my weekly one with my boss) and won’t be able to hike with the dogs that day because the only appointment they had that week was for 8 am. Hey, I will do just about anything for an ultrasound. Except, of course, make up symptoms like feeling icky, crampy, and period like or spotting or something.
Off to dinner with my mom, where I will pretend not to be worried, so she won’t worry. I am actually sick of all the food that I have in the house so I am looking forward to a bit of variety tonight. Ta ta!
I got home and had a headache that wouldn’t quit. I decided to take some Tylenol to try to take the edge off. That stayed down about 3 minutes before coming up with the rest of the contents of my stomach. I think this headache was the closest I have ever come to a migraine. I took a warm bath and then climbed in bed. Reading was out. I didn’t want TV. I just laid there in the dark quietly for awhile and it got better. Work was REALLY busy and I was in meetings or one the phone almost the entire day. I guess I just needed some peace and quite.
Switching gears and moving to the here and now, I think I have been doing a good job of not obsessively worrying and keeping my paranoia in check. Currently, I have that icky, crampy, I am about to start my period feeling. It is making me worried. I don’t like it. I don’t mind the being tired, or the vomiting (even on public streets:), or even the almost migraine like headache last night. I don’t like this feeling. No spotting. Yes, I have been checking regularly. If I do, you can bet I will freak and will break down and actually call my OB.
The good news is that I called the Perinatologist that my OB recommended and they wanted to see me at around 17 weeks. Yeah, another ultrasound in two weeks (assuming I don’t need one sooner for the above described situation). The bad news is that I need to decide by then about the amnio. Other not so great news is that I need to reschedule 3 meetings (including my weekly one with my boss) and won’t be able to hike with the dogs that day because the only appointment they had that week was for 8 am. Hey, I will do just about anything for an ultrasound. Except, of course, make up symptoms like feeling icky, crampy, and period like or spotting or something.
Off to dinner with my mom, where I will pretend not to be worried, so she won’t worry. I am actually sick of all the food that I have in the house so I am looking forward to a bit of variety tonight. Ta ta!
Monday, February 28, 2005
My dorky emails to my RE
I decided that my RE misses me and my dorky emails filled with my warped humor, micro analysis on pretty much everything, not to mention my questions, questions, and more questions. It’s a given that I miss him. As I have previously stated, I would have stayed with him through delivery if I thought I could get away with it. My friend who also sees him was in last week and he asked about me and how I was doing since he hadn’t heard from me. I, of course, took this as a clear sign that he misses me so I sent him and email titled, “No questions, just a quick update”. He responded back within an hour or two (this was on Sunday afternoon/evening) asked me a few questions (about what genetic screening I was doing because I had told him that I was trying to decided whether to do amnio or not and kept changing my mind) and he even specifically said to keep in touch. I don’t know why this makes me so happy, but it does. When I last saw him and he said that some of his patients asked him questions all the way through their pregnancy. I thought he was just being nice. Now, I think he really does want to get periodic questions/updates and make sure everything is going well. That just makes me so happy!
Sunday, February 27, 2005
It happened…
My fear of walking the dogs and barfing on someone’s lawn as I pick up dog poop happened last night. I wasn’t even feeling nauseous and haven’t been getting sick very often, but I just caught a whiff of the smell and started gagging. It caught me by surprise. Oh well. I have to say the reality wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, it wasn’t the most pleasant thing in the world, but it could have been worse. Luckily, I hadn’t eaten in awhile so there wasn’t much in my stomach.
Also, when I said that nothing really has been going on in my last post, that may not have actually been the whole truth. After all, the hardwood floor that I had put in my master bedroom not more than 5 years ago buckled with all the rain/moisture in the air and needs to be completely replaced. One night when I was going to bed I saw a trail of ants climbing behind my headboard from my ceiling to my floor. Luckily, I had Ant/Roach spray in the house and that seemed to have taken care of that even if the smell of it did make me sick. And, my dog Lucky required a trip to the vet because of an abscess on her paw which requires 10 – 14 days of antibiotics and me to soak her paw in the iodine type solution twice a day. It’s funny, I guess the pregnancy hormones have caused a newer calmer me, where I can’t even bother to remember these things let alone get worked up about them.
My weekend was spent getting caught up on a little work, taking naps, and reading a book. My big adventure was going to the hair dressers yesterday. I didn’t have an appointment, but decided that I couldn’t stand my hair one more day so made a last minute call to see if there were any openings and how soon I could get in. I got lucky because she had just had a cancellation. She and her assistant asked me what my plans were for the weekend and I told them that my goal of the weekend was to water the plants in my house. I think they thought I may be joking, but I was dead serious. By the way, this goal was accomplished while talking on the phone yesterday.
Also, when I said that nothing really has been going on in my last post, that may not have actually been the whole truth. After all, the hardwood floor that I had put in my master bedroom not more than 5 years ago buckled with all the rain/moisture in the air and needs to be completely replaced. One night when I was going to bed I saw a trail of ants climbing behind my headboard from my ceiling to my floor. Luckily, I had Ant/Roach spray in the house and that seemed to have taken care of that even if the smell of it did make me sick. And, my dog Lucky required a trip to the vet because of an abscess on her paw which requires 10 – 14 days of antibiotics and me to soak her paw in the iodine type solution twice a day. It’s funny, I guess the pregnancy hormones have caused a newer calmer me, where I can’t even bother to remember these things let alone get worked up about them.
My weekend was spent getting caught up on a little work, taking naps, and reading a book. My big adventure was going to the hair dressers yesterday. I didn’t have an appointment, but decided that I couldn’t stand my hair one more day so made a last minute call to see if there were any openings and how soon I could get in. I got lucky because she had just had a cancellation. She and her assistant asked me what my plans were for the weekend and I told them that my goal of the weekend was to water the plants in my house. I think they thought I may be joking, but I was dead serious. By the way, this goal was accomplished while talking on the phone yesterday.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
New OB is a keeper
I have been in hermit mode the last few days. Could you tell? Nothing really going on. Just tired. The house is still an incredible mess, but I haven’t cared enough to clean it. Just working, walking the dogs, and watching t.v. or reading a book. That pretty much fills the days. I haven't really even felt like talking on the phone much.
I had an appointment with my new OB today. Her style and smaller office setting is much more to my liking. I didn’t even have to beg for an u/s. I think it may be standard practice. I hope I get one every visit. The nurse is going to call me in a day or two about my referral to the Perinatologist and I will ask her if that was just for the first visit. I did get a bit worried because it was my first abdominal u/s and it looks a lot different from a vaginal one. She was looking and searching for quite a long time. Finally, I asked her if everything was okay and was she having trouble finding the baby. She gave me a smile and said that everything was fine and the baby looked great. She said she was looking for something small, the bridge to the nose, because we had talked a lot about genetic testing and amnio before the u/s. She measured the “head to rump” and said it was too big to do the nuchal translucency screening test. I think I was measuring 14w4d and you need to be under 13w6d. So, I will do triple screen test in 2 weeks and then decide on amnio.
One of the things I like best about Dr. P was her sense of humor. One of the first things she said to me with a big smile on her face was “So, my husband got you pregnant, huh?” I knew right then that this would work out. She asked if I would need a c-section because of the fibroid surgery as she glanced through my surgery report and then commented, “how nice that he hand wrote in, just for me, that the cavity wasn’t entered” so I didn’t have to read too hard. When I told her that I got pregnant on an IVF cycle that got cancelled and converted to IUI, she said, I think I remember that because it doesn’t happen too often.
All in all, it was a good visit. I am happy with the choice and plan to keep my next appointment with her. I must remember to cancel my one with Dr. G.
On the job front, I was up on the middle of the night worrying about work. I don’t do that very often, but we are getting ready for an organizational change. My boss is going to play a dual role in the new structure. It gets somewhat complicated, but the role that I think they had in mind for me, I told my boss straight out that I didn’t want as it stands. In my opinion, it is a 2 – 3 person job and would have anywhere from 70 – 150 direct reports with direct day to day delivery responsibility for a lot of projects. I gave a few different scenarios (maybe 5) for how I thought it could work out better. I didn’t want the whole pie, but I do want a slice and not a small slice either. I was up worrying about that and pondering if I wasn’t pregnant, would I feel differently. I came to the conclusion that pregnant or not, I would not be happy in the that position as it stood. I was still really worried that I might have shot myself in the foot and maybe I should have just taken it. It would be a lot of work and even more stress. However, this post was interrupted by a call from one of the leaders making the decision and it looks like they are going with my second favorite approach which is splitting the job in two where I would co-lead with another person. My favorite approach was to split the role in two with one person having the people care responsibility and me having the delivery responsibility. I can live happily with the second approach.
All is well here. Off to enjoy the clear skies and walk the dogs and then to be a couch potato.
I had an appointment with my new OB today. Her style and smaller office setting is much more to my liking. I didn’t even have to beg for an u/s. I think it may be standard practice. I hope I get one every visit. The nurse is going to call me in a day or two about my referral to the Perinatologist and I will ask her if that was just for the first visit. I did get a bit worried because it was my first abdominal u/s and it looks a lot different from a vaginal one. She was looking and searching for quite a long time. Finally, I asked her if everything was okay and was she having trouble finding the baby. She gave me a smile and said that everything was fine and the baby looked great. She said she was looking for something small, the bridge to the nose, because we had talked a lot about genetic testing and amnio before the u/s. She measured the “head to rump” and said it was too big to do the nuchal translucency screening test. I think I was measuring 14w4d and you need to be under 13w6d. So, I will do triple screen test in 2 weeks and then decide on amnio.
One of the things I like best about Dr. P was her sense of humor. One of the first things she said to me with a big smile on her face was “So, my husband got you pregnant, huh?” I knew right then that this would work out. She asked if I would need a c-section because of the fibroid surgery as she glanced through my surgery report and then commented, “how nice that he hand wrote in, just for me, that the cavity wasn’t entered” so I didn’t have to read too hard. When I told her that I got pregnant on an IVF cycle that got cancelled and converted to IUI, she said, I think I remember that because it doesn’t happen too often.
All in all, it was a good visit. I am happy with the choice and plan to keep my next appointment with her. I must remember to cancel my one with Dr. G.
On the job front, I was up on the middle of the night worrying about work. I don’t do that very often, but we are getting ready for an organizational change. My boss is going to play a dual role in the new structure. It gets somewhat complicated, but the role that I think they had in mind for me, I told my boss straight out that I didn’t want as it stands. In my opinion, it is a 2 – 3 person job and would have anywhere from 70 – 150 direct reports with direct day to day delivery responsibility for a lot of projects. I gave a few different scenarios (maybe 5) for how I thought it could work out better. I didn’t want the whole pie, but I do want a slice and not a small slice either. I was up worrying about that and pondering if I wasn’t pregnant, would I feel differently. I came to the conclusion that pregnant or not, I would not be happy in the that position as it stood. I was still really worried that I might have shot myself in the foot and maybe I should have just taken it. It would be a lot of work and even more stress. However, this post was interrupted by a call from one of the leaders making the decision and it looks like they are going with my second favorite approach which is splitting the job in two where I would co-lead with another person. My favorite approach was to split the role in two with one person having the people care responsibility and me having the delivery responsibility. I can live happily with the second approach.
All is well here. Off to enjoy the clear skies and walk the dogs and then to be a couch potato.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Virtual Friends
There are two women that I met through the SMC-TTC list during my first few cycles who were my “cycle buddies” with whom I really bonded. One got pregnant on her first IUI with twins on the same cycle that I got pregnant and miscarried. When I finally joined the SMC-Preg list a few weeks ago, we ran into each other again and caught back up. While she had it easy conceiving, the pregnancy seems to have been a difficult one for her and she is now off work and on bed rest for the duration of her pregnancy. While it was great to touch base and the bond was still there, it was bitter sweet to be reminded how close to my due date I would be now, if only. She is living in Spain and is from England.
Another one, was put on hold because of an active infection. By the time she was given the go ahead to try again, an ex was back in her life and she was going to see where that led. Recently, that relationship ended again and rather abruptly by the sounds of it. She is rethinking the decision to move forward with donor insemination and can’t really afford adoption right now. As she struggles with this decision, she asked me how I came to it and became comfortable with it. I thought I would share with you what I shared with her. She lives in Vancouver, Canada.
It’s funny how these two women, these “friends” that I have never met except through email, have touched me and continue to touch me. Its funny these bonds that form and the people that you connect with as you go through this journey. We all three are in different countries and have had different struggles and yet, we would never have “met” if it weren’t for attempting to become a single mom at the same time over a year ago.
Another one, was put on hold because of an active infection. By the time she was given the go ahead to try again, an ex was back in her life and she was going to see where that led. Recently, that relationship ended again and rather abruptly by the sounds of it. She is rethinking the decision to move forward with donor insemination and can’t really afford adoption right now. As she struggles with this decision, she asked me how I came to it and became comfortable with it. I thought I would share with you what I shared with her. She lives in Vancouver, Canada.
I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. I must have also had some premonition that I would be going solo. I remember very vividly telling people in my 20's that I was going to have a child by myself when I was 30 "if I wasn't in a serious relationship"....so don't think it was an accident. 30 came and went and I wasn't ready. I struggled for years with the decision going back and forth and weighing the pro's and the con's and not getting anywhere. I asked myself what would be the deciding factor and couldn't come up with it. Finally, what did it for me was the realization that if I didn't at least try...I knew it would be something I would regret for the rest of my life. The option to try is time constrained. I could always meet a mate or love later, but I could not always have a child. I started putting the beginning blocks in place when I was 37 when the other reality set in that I did not know anyone that I currently wanted to marry. Even if I met him right then, it would be a year or two before I would feel comfortable marrying, etc. When I started doing the math, I realized that I had to let go of the whole dream and go for the child. I decided that I wanted a child more. Bottom line, I just knew for me that if I did not try, it would be the biggest regret of my life.
It’s funny how these two women, these “friends” that I have never met except through email, have touched me and continue to touch me. Its funny these bonds that form and the people that you connect with as you go through this journey. We all three are in different countries and have had different struggles and yet, we would never have “met” if it weren’t for attempting to become a single mom at the same time over a year ago.
Friday, February 18, 2005
1/3 down, 2/3 to go
Yesterday, I hit a major milestone. Not only did I hit the 13 week mark, I also moved into the SECOND trimester. Can you believe that? I am 1/3 of the way through this journey. Every day, I start to believe more and more that this could have a good outcome. I am starting to feel good about it. All of the baby’s major organs are developed. If I had an u/s, we should be able to determine the gender. If anything bad were to happen at this point, more than likely, it would not be genetic. No spotting for a week now. I have gained a few pounds in the last few days, more likely the result of too much birthday celebration and no vomiting for two weeks than a growing baby. Everything seems to be settling in and going well at the moment (knock on wood)! I can’t wait until I can feel the baby move, but that is awhile off yet. I am hoping for a nice boring, uneventful second trimester. May the remaining 2/3 of the journey go by as fast as the first 1/3 did, but with much less stress and anxity.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
It is official. Changing OB’s.
Since my first OB appointment last week, I have been researching options on a new OB and/or midwife. What I found out is that my insurance doesn’t cover midwives and in my area, there are only one or two hospitals where midwives are allowed to deliver. Even my acupuncturist, who is totally into the natural approach, didn’t recommend me using a midwife. Midwife option is out.
I took advantage of my health insurance web page to do a comparison of 7 different hospitals in the area. I compared the following categories:
1) Vaginal Delivery
2) Cesarean Delivery
3) Pregnancy Complications
4) Normal Baby Delivery
5) Infant Premature
6) Infant Premature/Major Problems
7) Infant Full Term/Major Problems
The hospital where my current OB delivers highest ranking was 3 and that was for Cesarean. Hmm. Interesting that C-Section was the first thing Dr. G talked to me about. Don’t you think? It rated 5th for Infant Premature/Major Problems; 6th for Vaginal Delivery; and 7th for everything else.
I decided that I wanted to delivery at Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena which ranked either 1 or 2 in every single category. Yes, it is further from my house by about 25 miles than the other hospital, but it clearly has one of the best records/results around. In addition, it has a Level 4 NICU, which is the highest level, and received above average or average ratings on patent satisfaction surveys.
I talked to a few local SMC’s about their OB and got a few recommendations. I sent an email to my RE and got a few more recommendations. And, I made a final decision today. I am going to Dr. P and have an appointment set for next Thursday. I feel really good about this decision. Did I happen to mention that Dr. P is married to Dr. N, my RE? I hear that she has all of the requirements that I am looking for in an OB.
In addition to being a skilled and knowledgeable OB dr.:
1) can deal with a paranoid, neurotic, and/or obsessive patient without making them feel more paranoid, neurotic, and/or obsessive
2) can deal with a patient who wants to ask a question or two or a lot more without feeling like their skills and knowledge is being questioned
3) has an u/s machine in their office to appease the paranoid, neurotic, and/or obsessive patient when needed
Some other “nice to have” features would be a doctor who meets you for the first time with your clothes on and responds to emails.
The added bonus is that she takes my HMO insurance. I was willing to go out of network and pay the 20% co-insurance, but turn out this wasn’t necessary.
I called my insurance company and changed medical groups and primary care physicians effective March 1st. I had been told that since I had already seen one OB that to change I would have to petition a change with medical management. However, the member service rep went ahead and allowed me to make the change since I had only had one appointment so far. We agreed that I just would not use the referral to the specialist when they came in the mail and wait for my new OB to refer me out.
Now, I just need to get the latest copy of the lab results before next week and I will be all set. I called Dr. G’s office today to find out if the results were in and to try to get a copy. Dr. G called me back himself and said everything was fine and normal. I asked how I could get a copy of the results, and was told I just need to stop by the office to get a copy. I was hoping they could just fax it to me, but I guess that would make it too easy. I felt a little guilty because he asked when he was seeing me again and if I had gotten the referral information, which I hadn’t. He was going to have his nurse follow up. If he remembered anything at all about me, he should have remembered that I regularly get copies of all of my medical records. Remember the file he didn’t really even look at?
I only felt a little guilty. Mostly, I felt relief.
I am very happy with my decision and am looking forward to my appointment with Dr. P next week. As odd as it sounds, I like the idea that Dr. N helped created my child and Dr. P, his wife, will help bring it into this world. It just brings a smile to my face when I think about it. While I haven't yet met Dr. P yet, I just have a really good feeling about this.
I took advantage of my health insurance web page to do a comparison of 7 different hospitals in the area. I compared the following categories:
1) Vaginal Delivery
2) Cesarean Delivery
3) Pregnancy Complications
4) Normal Baby Delivery
5) Infant Premature
6) Infant Premature/Major Problems
7) Infant Full Term/Major Problems
The hospital where my current OB delivers highest ranking was 3 and that was for Cesarean. Hmm. Interesting that C-Section was the first thing Dr. G talked to me about. Don’t you think? It rated 5th for Infant Premature/Major Problems; 6th for Vaginal Delivery; and 7th for everything else.
I decided that I wanted to delivery at Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena which ranked either 1 or 2 in every single category. Yes, it is further from my house by about 25 miles than the other hospital, but it clearly has one of the best records/results around. In addition, it has a Level 4 NICU, which is the highest level, and received above average or average ratings on patent satisfaction surveys.
I talked to a few local SMC’s about their OB and got a few recommendations. I sent an email to my RE and got a few more recommendations. And, I made a final decision today. I am going to Dr. P and have an appointment set for next Thursday. I feel really good about this decision. Did I happen to mention that Dr. P is married to Dr. N, my RE? I hear that she has all of the requirements that I am looking for in an OB.
In addition to being a skilled and knowledgeable OB dr.:
1) can deal with a paranoid, neurotic, and/or obsessive patient without making them feel more paranoid, neurotic, and/or obsessive
2) can deal with a patient who wants to ask a question or two or a lot more without feeling like their skills and knowledge is being questioned
3) has an u/s machine in their office to appease the paranoid, neurotic, and/or obsessive patient when needed
Some other “nice to have” features would be a doctor who meets you for the first time with your clothes on and responds to emails.
The added bonus is that she takes my HMO insurance. I was willing to go out of network and pay the 20% co-insurance, but turn out this wasn’t necessary.
I called my insurance company and changed medical groups and primary care physicians effective March 1st. I had been told that since I had already seen one OB that to change I would have to petition a change with medical management. However, the member service rep went ahead and allowed me to make the change since I had only had one appointment so far. We agreed that I just would not use the referral to the specialist when they came in the mail and wait for my new OB to refer me out.
Now, I just need to get the latest copy of the lab results before next week and I will be all set. I called Dr. G’s office today to find out if the results were in and to try to get a copy. Dr. G called me back himself and said everything was fine and normal. I asked how I could get a copy of the results, and was told I just need to stop by the office to get a copy. I was hoping they could just fax it to me, but I guess that would make it too easy. I felt a little guilty because he asked when he was seeing me again and if I had gotten the referral information, which I hadn’t. He was going to have his nurse follow up. If he remembered anything at all about me, he should have remembered that I regularly get copies of all of my medical records. Remember the file he didn’t really even look at?
I only felt a little guilty. Mostly, I felt relief.
I am very happy with my decision and am looking forward to my appointment with Dr. P next week. As odd as it sounds, I like the idea that Dr. N helped created my child and Dr. P, his wife, will help bring it into this world. It just brings a smile to my face when I think about it. While I haven't yet met Dr. P yet, I just have a really good feeling about this.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Today’s My Birthday
Today’s my birthday…na na na na na! My 39th birthday…na na na na na!
The one thing I can say about today is that I am so glad that I am pregnant for my birthday. In my ideal plan, the one I had in the beginning when I still thought I had some semblance of control over this process, I was delivering a child this month. Exactly one month from today is my due date of the baby I miscarried this summer. I am not where I thought I would be a year ago today, but I am at least happy that I am on that path. I truly hope that in a year from now, I have a healthy happy 5 month old and am beginning to think about going for two. Time will tell what the future holds, but that is my birthday wish.
The one thing I can say about today is that I am so glad that I am pregnant for my birthday. In my ideal plan, the one I had in the beginning when I still thought I had some semblance of control over this process, I was delivering a child this month. Exactly one month from today is my due date of the baby I miscarried this summer. I am not where I thought I would be a year ago today, but I am at least happy that I am on that path. I truly hope that in a year from now, I have a healthy happy 5 month old and am beginning to think about going for two. Time will tell what the future holds, but that is my birthday wish.
Monday, February 14, 2005
The best of intentions of friends
A friend called the other day to see how my pregnancy was going. I hadn’t talked with her in a few weeks and I told her that I had started spotting again last week, but had an ultrasound that confirmed everything was going well. Before I could get another word in, she started giving me a lecture about how I needed to take it easier and that I should go on complete bed rest, after all, I have tried to hard to get to this point. When I got a chance, I explained that I had seen 2 doctors this week, nether of which suggested that bed rest would do any good. And, since I had tried very hard to get to this point, I would not do ANYTHING that I thought would jeopardize the pregnancy. She still started laying into me about this and was going on and on, like I was irresponsible or something. Finally, I ended up getting a little short with her. I’m still a bit irritated days later. I know that she had the best of intentions and that she was just concerned for me, but I wonder how she felt this was supportive?
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Good Ole Mom
I have to say that as unhelpful as my mom was after my fibroid surgery, she really has been helpful so far during the pregnancy. After Julie's birthday lunch, she cleaned my kitchen for me while I lay on the couch watching her, t.v., and falling asleep. I had made this Zitti Bake for the SMC meeting and had just left all of the dishes in the sink or on the stove. She cleaned it all up for me. That was a really nice treat. When I mentioned I was going to go to bed and try to take a nap, she went home. It is kind of amazing. I really appreciate it and told her so. She said that even though it has been a long time she still remembers how tired she was when she was pregnant. Wow, this pregnant thing isn’t half bad sometimes.
I talked to her after the memorial and told her about my sister Julie’s call telling me I should cancel my plans and go and that I was sorry if she felt unsupported. She said, no that she was fine with it. She hadn’t known that Julie had called. And, she knew that I had these plans for awhile because I kept telling everyone I couldn’t do Julie’s B-Day lunch on the 12th because I had plans. The little guilt I had is now gone. She had both my sisters AND my brother in law there plus some other good friends of the family.
My sisters Birthday lunch was good. Everyone was on there best behavior.
Other than that, I have been mostly lazy today. I was on the computer a bit this morning and then just laid around. I have just been really tired today. I have been watching my sugar and haven’t had much at all. I think I had too much at the SMC meeting yesterday and was just wired, not falling asleep until almost 11 pm last night. This is late for me. It was a good reminder of why I have been staying away. Maybe that is why I am so tired today. In spite of it all and the fact that I woke up feeling like I was bloated and retaining water, my weight remained steady. Yes, in fact, I do check my weight almost each and every day first thing in the morning.
I just got back from walking the dogs and was hoping that would get me going. It didn’t really so I think I will go back to bed and catch up on some serious t.v. watching. I am still feeling full from lunch, although I didn’t eat that much, so I am likely skipping dinner tonight. Maybe I will get hungry in a bit.
I wish I had another day off from work so I could have a whole day to just do nothing. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I talked to her after the memorial and told her about my sister Julie’s call telling me I should cancel my plans and go and that I was sorry if she felt unsupported. She said, no that she was fine with it. She hadn’t known that Julie had called. And, she knew that I had these plans for awhile because I kept telling everyone I couldn’t do Julie’s B-Day lunch on the 12th because I had plans. The little guilt I had is now gone. She had both my sisters AND my brother in law there plus some other good friends of the family.
My sisters Birthday lunch was good. Everyone was on there best behavior.
Other than that, I have been mostly lazy today. I was on the computer a bit this morning and then just laid around. I have just been really tired today. I have been watching my sugar and haven’t had much at all. I think I had too much at the SMC meeting yesterday and was just wired, not falling asleep until almost 11 pm last night. This is late for me. It was a good reminder of why I have been staying away. Maybe that is why I am so tired today. In spite of it all and the fact that I woke up feeling like I was bloated and retaining water, my weight remained steady. Yes, in fact, I do check my weight almost each and every day first thing in the morning.
I just got back from walking the dogs and was hoping that would get me going. It didn’t really so I think I will go back to bed and catch up on some serious t.v. watching. I am still feeling full from lunch, although I didn’t eat that much, so I am likely skipping dinner tonight. Maybe I will get hungry in a bit.
I wish I had another day off from work so I could have a whole day to just do nothing. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Saturday, February 12, 2005
The pointless, multi-topic post
Usually, when I sit down to write a blog, I have a topic or theme in mind. Usually, it is something I have been thinking about and the blog may be mostly written in my mind and I just need to get it onto paper. If fact, often, I write blogs in my head that never make it to paper and therefore never get posted. Today, I have a lot of random, unrelated thought so I decided I am just going to type and we will see what comes out of it.
First off, the spotting finally stopped. Hallelujah!! It got more constant as Wednesday went on and was heavier and steady all day Thursday. Needless to say, I did NOT like that at all. Instead of mentally composing blogs, I mentally composed several emails to my RE on this topic with questions such as how heavy and how long does this have to last for me to get more worried and seek medical attention. These emails never got to paper or sent. Friday, the spotting started letting up. Today, none. What a relief!! Life is better and I am much happier without the spotting. Even my OB appointment this week didn’t seem quite so bad once I had stopped spotting. As I have said before, give me the nausea; give me the vomiting and the fatigue. I will take it all. I just don’t like the spotting.
I was talking to my sister Cindy in Atlanta this morning. Being as supportive as only a sister can, she said it was great that I was able to have an u/s this week at 12 w because, you know, anything can really happen until that point. THANK YOU!! I think she must forget or not realize how paranoid I already am. I don’t need any reminders. However, she had a good point on the spotting. She told me I should keep track of when it occurred and how long to see if it corresponded to when I would have gotten a period. As she put it, you have always had strong hormones. This is sister speak for you were always a raving B*I*T*C*H and made our lives hell. I have always felt my sisters overstated this, but then again, I didn’t have to live with me. Anyway, I haven’t had a chance to go back and calculate yet, but I think she may have a point. Not that I won’t still panic and freak out if it happens again (or if she is right, when it happens again), but it will give me more questions to ask my dr. when I find one who has time for me or Dr. N.
I went to a local SMC meeting today. I had such a great time. It is such a wonderful group of women. We had two new members this month. One was a woman that is foster adopting who had an adorable little girl and finds out in 6 weeks if she will get to keep her. I sure hope it works out for her. The other is a tryer who also goes to Dr. N. It turns out that she and I ran into each other on the day I found out I was pregnant, before I found out I was pregnant. Remember, I had the beta and my what’s next consult with Dr. N, then I needed to wait for the tank to go move my sperm from the sperm bank to the clinic? She was the person who had reserved the tank for the morning. I was waiting in the lobby when she brought in the tank and exclaimed, your back early. I have it reserved next or some other such comment. Isn’t it a funny, small world sometimes?
My mom’s boyfriend died. They have dated for years, but haven’t seen much of each other lately because he hasn’t been feeling well for awhile. He had called her a week or so ago and left a message saying it is important and to call him back as soon as she could. She called and called, but never reached him. She called the local hospitals, but he wasn’t there. It turns out he was in a comma in UCLA. We just found this out yesterday and the memorial service was today at the same time as the local SMC meeting. I told them I couldn’t go because I had a prior commitment at the same time. My sister called and left me a scathing message this morning about how I should cancel my appointment and go to the service so I could be there for mom. This is sister speak for you are such a selfish B*I*T*C*H and if I have to do this, you should as well. I haven’t called her back. I did feel slightly guilty for a few minutes, but 1) I was not that close to Russ 2) my mom has both my sister Julie and my sister Kris there for support. If she really needed someone, I would have gone. However, I started wondering if maybe Kris couldn’t go because of work and Julie had to go with Mom by herself. I would not be surprised. We are finally having Julie’s Birthday lunch tomorrow. I am sure I will hear all about it and how awful I am then. I can’t wait. Regardless, I am glad I made the choice that I did. It probably is selfish of me, but I don’t care. Mostly.
I thought I had lost another pound on Friday, but it was back today. I am holding steady at down 5 – 6 lbs since the beginning of my IVF cycle. Dr. N said losing weight in the first tri wasn’t a problem, but he would be worried if I didn’t start gaining in the second. Dr. G didn’t seem to care one way or another. We will see what the next few months hold. I guess I am not too worried because at my u/s on Tuesday, I was 11w5d and the baby measured 12w6d almost a week ahead. I don’t want Dr. G to be right and have such a big baby that I have to have a c-section. But, not to worry. I am not dieting by any stretch of the imagination. I am eating on a regular basis. I am still having difficulty with the veggies and protein, but am less nauseous at the thought of them so maybe I will be able to work them back into my diet soon.
I have decided that Wednesday, the day I met with my OB, was the start of the emotional phase of my pregnancy. I have been near tears a few times since over silly stuff. The other day I was listening to the radio and got tear eyed at this song that wasn’t even particularly sad. Today, on the way to the SMC meeting, there was a sign on the freeway saying that there was an accident on the 405S at Mullholland and that the 2 right lanes were closed. When I read that, I got all sad and teary eyed thinking that it must be a bad accident for them to post it and for 2 lanes to be closed and that I hoped no one was seriously hurt. I had to laugh at myself.
I really am starting to get excited and think that this might work out. I decided that when I see Dr. G next month I am going to ask him if I can get referred out for monthly u/s. And, as I search for a new one, I am going to find someone who will agree to that. I read a post from someone on the SMC Pregnancy list that she had an u/s and that it had been 12 weeks since her last one. God, I hope I don’t have to go that long. I really don’t think I can take it. I have decided that there is no use trying to be otherwise. I am just going to be a high maintenance pregnant patient and I need to find a dr. that is willing to accept that with good humor. This is LA. Come on, there are plenty of dr.’s around. I just have to find the right one. I could temper and try to restrain myself, but I don’t think that is going to make me happy.
I wish I had no more plans for the weekend and could just hang out and relax for the duration. Oh well. At least I have no plans for the rest of the day. I think I will go walk the dogs and then plant myself on the couch for the duration.
First off, the spotting finally stopped. Hallelujah!! It got more constant as Wednesday went on and was heavier and steady all day Thursday. Needless to say, I did NOT like that at all. Instead of mentally composing blogs, I mentally composed several emails to my RE on this topic with questions such as how heavy and how long does this have to last for me to get more worried and seek medical attention. These emails never got to paper or sent. Friday, the spotting started letting up. Today, none. What a relief!! Life is better and I am much happier without the spotting. Even my OB appointment this week didn’t seem quite so bad once I had stopped spotting. As I have said before, give me the nausea; give me the vomiting and the fatigue. I will take it all. I just don’t like the spotting.
I was talking to my sister Cindy in Atlanta this morning. Being as supportive as only a sister can, she said it was great that I was able to have an u/s this week at 12 w because, you know, anything can really happen until that point. THANK YOU!! I think she must forget or not realize how paranoid I already am. I don’t need any reminders. However, she had a good point on the spotting. She told me I should keep track of when it occurred and how long to see if it corresponded to when I would have gotten a period. As she put it, you have always had strong hormones. This is sister speak for you were always a raving B*I*T*C*H and made our lives hell. I have always felt my sisters overstated this, but then again, I didn’t have to live with me. Anyway, I haven’t had a chance to go back and calculate yet, but I think she may have a point. Not that I won’t still panic and freak out if it happens again (or if she is right, when it happens again), but it will give me more questions to ask my dr. when I find one who has time for me or Dr. N.
I went to a local SMC meeting today. I had such a great time. It is such a wonderful group of women. We had two new members this month. One was a woman that is foster adopting who had an adorable little girl and finds out in 6 weeks if she will get to keep her. I sure hope it works out for her. The other is a tryer who also goes to Dr. N. It turns out that she and I ran into each other on the day I found out I was pregnant, before I found out I was pregnant. Remember, I had the beta and my what’s next consult with Dr. N, then I needed to wait for the tank to go move my sperm from the sperm bank to the clinic? She was the person who had reserved the tank for the morning. I was waiting in the lobby when she brought in the tank and exclaimed, your back early. I have it reserved next or some other such comment. Isn’t it a funny, small world sometimes?
My mom’s boyfriend died. They have dated for years, but haven’t seen much of each other lately because he hasn’t been feeling well for awhile. He had called her a week or so ago and left a message saying it is important and to call him back as soon as she could. She called and called, but never reached him. She called the local hospitals, but he wasn’t there. It turns out he was in a comma in UCLA. We just found this out yesterday and the memorial service was today at the same time as the local SMC meeting. I told them I couldn’t go because I had a prior commitment at the same time. My sister called and left me a scathing message this morning about how I should cancel my appointment and go to the service so I could be there for mom. This is sister speak for you are such a selfish B*I*T*C*H and if I have to do this, you should as well. I haven’t called her back. I did feel slightly guilty for a few minutes, but 1) I was not that close to Russ 2) my mom has both my sister Julie and my sister Kris there for support. If she really needed someone, I would have gone. However, I started wondering if maybe Kris couldn’t go because of work and Julie had to go with Mom by herself. I would not be surprised. We are finally having Julie’s Birthday lunch tomorrow. I am sure I will hear all about it and how awful I am then. I can’t wait. Regardless, I am glad I made the choice that I did. It probably is selfish of me, but I don’t care. Mostly.
I thought I had lost another pound on Friday, but it was back today. I am holding steady at down 5 – 6 lbs since the beginning of my IVF cycle. Dr. N said losing weight in the first tri wasn’t a problem, but he would be worried if I didn’t start gaining in the second. Dr. G didn’t seem to care one way or another. We will see what the next few months hold. I guess I am not too worried because at my u/s on Tuesday, I was 11w5d and the baby measured 12w6d almost a week ahead. I don’t want Dr. G to be right and have such a big baby that I have to have a c-section. But, not to worry. I am not dieting by any stretch of the imagination. I am eating on a regular basis. I am still having difficulty with the veggies and protein, but am less nauseous at the thought of them so maybe I will be able to work them back into my diet soon.
I have decided that Wednesday, the day I met with my OB, was the start of the emotional phase of my pregnancy. I have been near tears a few times since over silly stuff. The other day I was listening to the radio and got tear eyed at this song that wasn’t even particularly sad. Today, on the way to the SMC meeting, there was a sign on the freeway saying that there was an accident on the 405S at Mullholland and that the 2 right lanes were closed. When I read that, I got all sad and teary eyed thinking that it must be a bad accident for them to post it and for 2 lanes to be closed and that I hoped no one was seriously hurt. I had to laugh at myself.
I really am starting to get excited and think that this might work out. I decided that when I see Dr. G next month I am going to ask him if I can get referred out for monthly u/s. And, as I search for a new one, I am going to find someone who will agree to that. I read a post from someone on the SMC Pregnancy list that she had an u/s and that it had been 12 weeks since her last one. God, I hope I don’t have to go that long. I really don’t think I can take it. I have decided that there is no use trying to be otherwise. I am just going to be a high maintenance pregnant patient and I need to find a dr. that is willing to accept that with good humor. This is LA. Come on, there are plenty of dr.’s around. I just have to find the right one. I could temper and try to restrain myself, but I don’t think that is going to make me happy.
I wish I had no more plans for the weekend and could just hang out and relax for the duration. Oh well. At least I have no plans for the rest of the day. I think I will go walk the dogs and then plant myself on the couch for the duration.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
1st OB Appointment
I had my first OB Appointment yesterday. Maybe the best way to tell the tale is to start from the end and work backwards. I am up at 3 am thinking about all the things I didn’t like about it and having trouble coming up with one thing I did like. I ended the day sitting in a warm bath crying over it. And, I am not much of a crier. Flash back to yesterday when I couldn’t stop smiling when I got to go back to my old RE clinic, even knowing that he could be telling me I had a dead baby. If I had to have that news, I would rather it came from him. I was so excited after the appointment, I couldn’t sleep Tuesday night. It was just so awesome to see the baby that actually looked like a baby moving all around. I forgot to mention yesterday when we first saw the baby he was sucking his thumb and I got to see the ears too. Did I mention that Dr. N said that the brain looked normal? Everything looked normal? Dr. N knows how worried I have been. After the exam, when he looked at me with that smile of his and said, “This is real. You are going to have a baby”. I FINALLY got excited. I’m at 12 weeks now. Something bad can still happen. I know this. However, every day the odds keep going up that I could actually get a baby out of this. This could actually work. I am starting to believe that.
Anyway, I digress. My OB appointment wasn’t horrible. It just wasn’t great. The best way of putting it is that Dr. G’s practice is probably not a good fit/match for me. The more I think about it the more the word “hate” comes to mind, but that is really too harsh for the experience.
As I lay awake overanalyzing everything as is my nature and style, I realized there were really two fundamental things that bothered me and everything else steams from there.
The first is that I never had an opportunity to talk to the Dr. with my clothes on. In talking to several people since the appointment, I guess maybe this is somewhat common and some people are surprised that I am even bothered by this. But, I am. I think it shows lack of respect for the patient/women as an individual. On top of that, who can think when they are naked or half naked and have an intelligent conversation? Not me. I think it is demeaning and rude. My preference is to meet with Dr. first with my clothes on before having an exam, especially if we have never met before. I am also okay with having the exam and having the Dr. say to get dressed and meet in his office to discuss questions. As it was, I had to tell the Dr. that I had some questions and if he had time or could we schedule some time to go through them since I knew he was running behind. He said now was fine and I had to hop off the exam table with my ass hanging out to get them. Granted, he had already answered quite a few, but I only had the heart to ask a few more and then just let everything else go for now. I am a questions person. I usually have lots of them. I like information and knowing. Remember, I purchased 2 OBGYN Text books. I need a Dr. that I can ask questions to either by phone, by email, or in person WHEN I HAVE MY CLOTHES ON. I didn’t realize today how much I took that for granted and that it was important to me.
The second is that one of the first things he said to me was he thought I may need a C-Section. Now, I really haven’t given the actual birth too much thought at this point. I’m still working on the fact that I am still pregnant and may actually get to that point. I HAVE been talking to a friend of mine (who happens to be a Dr. and works in a NICU who attends lots and lots of births) about it. She wants a natural birth with no drugs if possible, etc. and has been explaining why. In fact, she got 2 books on natural pregnancy and natural birth that I want to buy and read. In general, I don’t share her passion for the no drug/ natural thing that she has, but I am pretty ignorant on the subject at this point. I need to think about it and research it. I’m not opposed to drugs or a C-Section if needed or warranted. However, I didn’t really like that this is one of the first things Dr. G said to me. He did have his reasons, but I am just not sure how valid they are.
I have my medical file from my old OBGYN that I have been adding to over the last few years that I brought in along with my film from my pre-pregnancy kidney u/s and the old one of my fibroids (which I figured could just be thrown out, but brought just in case). The only thing he was interested in and asked me about was my fibroid surgery. He asked me not one question about my medical history, my past history, the treatments I had with Dr. N, how I was feeling, or how the pregnancy had been going so far. The only thing he wanted from my file was the fibroid surgery report which clearly states that the uterine cavity was not entered. He saw that I had 4 fibroids removed and made the assumption that I had 4 incisions. This was his main reason why I would need a C-Section. I explained that I was pretty sure that Dr. N only had to make 2 incisions because 3 of the fibroids were all together. He said, “well, he had to scrape 4 of them out”. I let it go. I have read the surgery report several times in detail and he just glanced through it for a minute or two. Hey, I am not a doctor. It’s just my body. What would I know?
Another reason he had for my having a C-Section was advanced maternal age. These are my words. As he put it, I am older and not going to be having tons of children at this point and as you get older there can be more problems with a delivery. A C-Section is safer and more controlled. Yes, I may not be having 8 kids at this point, but I would at least like to have 2 if possible. Okay, I’ll start with one, hope I get that far, and see how it goes from there, but I felt like an assumption was made that this was my one and only shot at this. Maybe it is, but how do we know that now?
The last reason he had for me to have a C-Section was the size of the child. He is making the assumption that I am going to have a big baby. Statistically speaking, he could be right on this. Typically, overweight women or women who gain a lot of weight in the first trimester are at increased risk of a large baby. I have read this in my OB book and I think it may also be referenced in the What to Expect book. The odds really increase if I end up with gestational diabetes. I have actually lost 6 lbs. in the first trimester. Of course, he didn’t know this because he never asked. When I told him, he looked at me like why are you telling me this and just said, well, we will see how it goes.
I am referred out to a specialist to go through a Level 2 U/S and to talk about genetic testing and to “either have or not have amniocentesis”. And, I am to see him again in about a month.
He did see blood when he did the physical exam. Yes, I am still spotting; in fact, it is a bit more frequent than yesterday. This is disconcerting to me. I asked him for the cause and he said not to worry since the u/s yesterday looked good. Of course, he didn’t look at my past u/s’ pictures, he just took my word for it. He agreed with Dr. N that at 12 weeks progesterone supplements are not needed because the baby/placenta has taken over. No explanation given. I think they don’t know. Easy for them to dismiss it. Not so easy for me.
He did take a little hand held monitor like the one I rented. Again, he had trouble getting the heartbeat. He said that he was able to detect it and got a reading of 154. I mentioned as he was searching that Dr. N wasn’t able to get the heartbeat that way yesterday and we ended up having to do it vaginally. I think he was determined to one up Dr. N because he searched and searched around to try and get it so I could hear it. If I hadn’t actually seen the heartbeat the day before, I would have appreciated the effort more and been worried that he had such trouble. I wanted to ask if it was a problem that the heartbeat was 178 at my 9w u/s, 159 yesterday, and only 154 today which is showing a downward trend, which of course, he didn’t know because he never looked. I figured he would just tell me it was in range so I didn’t even ask. I let it go and will just email Dr. N and ask him. Probably, it is nothing and fine, but I need to know. I need to be able to ask.
I didn’t like the fact that they didn’t even look at any of the testing that had already been done. Did he even notice that I am RH -? I am being retested for HIV, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Rubella, etc. so it can be “their” panel in “their” format from “their” lab, which happens to be the same lab that most of these tests were done. I just let it go since it was $0 out of pocket to me.
I also didn’t like the fact that I had to wait for an hour and a half before I was even brought back. I had t o pee twice and got so hungry that I went down to the pharmacy and got some milk and cookies to hold me over. Don’t they know that pregnant women need regular feedings?
Dr. G comes highly recommended from multiple sources including my RE who I adore (in case you haven’t figured that out yet) and a lady I was talking to in the waiting room that has been seeing him for 10 years, who incidentally had a 10:30 appointment and was seen before me when mine was 10:15. Did you notice I had a handful of dislikes and no likes? I have tried. I can’t think of one thing I actually like (as opposed to being either neutral or disliking). I am not sure if it was just an off day or not, but I think I need to look around for another OB. I’ll keep my referral to the specialist and my next appointment. In the mean time, I am going to look around and maybe talk to another dr. or two. I am thinking about going outside of my HMO benefit and use my PPO benefits. I think it will be worth the extra money to get the care I think I deserve and someone who sees me as a person who is going through their first pregnancy after much effort to get to this point. Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I am too high maintenance? I just think maybe I can do better.
Dr. G may be a great Dr. and nothing he said was without merit. I think maybe it is just not a good fit for me. I shouldn’t be sitting in my bathtub crying after an appointment.
Anyway, I digress. My OB appointment wasn’t horrible. It just wasn’t great. The best way of putting it is that Dr. G’s practice is probably not a good fit/match for me. The more I think about it the more the word “hate” comes to mind, but that is really too harsh for the experience.
As I lay awake overanalyzing everything as is my nature and style, I realized there were really two fundamental things that bothered me and everything else steams from there.
The first is that I never had an opportunity to talk to the Dr. with my clothes on. In talking to several people since the appointment, I guess maybe this is somewhat common and some people are surprised that I am even bothered by this. But, I am. I think it shows lack of respect for the patient/women as an individual. On top of that, who can think when they are naked or half naked and have an intelligent conversation? Not me. I think it is demeaning and rude. My preference is to meet with Dr. first with my clothes on before having an exam, especially if we have never met before. I am also okay with having the exam and having the Dr. say to get dressed and meet in his office to discuss questions. As it was, I had to tell the Dr. that I had some questions and if he had time or could we schedule some time to go through them since I knew he was running behind. He said now was fine and I had to hop off the exam table with my ass hanging out to get them. Granted, he had already answered quite a few, but I only had the heart to ask a few more and then just let everything else go for now. I am a questions person. I usually have lots of them. I like information and knowing. Remember, I purchased 2 OBGYN Text books. I need a Dr. that I can ask questions to either by phone, by email, or in person WHEN I HAVE MY CLOTHES ON. I didn’t realize today how much I took that for granted and that it was important to me.
The second is that one of the first things he said to me was he thought I may need a C-Section. Now, I really haven’t given the actual birth too much thought at this point. I’m still working on the fact that I am still pregnant and may actually get to that point. I HAVE been talking to a friend of mine (who happens to be a Dr. and works in a NICU who attends lots and lots of births) about it. She wants a natural birth with no drugs if possible, etc. and has been explaining why. In fact, she got 2 books on natural pregnancy and natural birth that I want to buy and read. In general, I don’t share her passion for the no drug/ natural thing that she has, but I am pretty ignorant on the subject at this point. I need to think about it and research it. I’m not opposed to drugs or a C-Section if needed or warranted. However, I didn’t really like that this is one of the first things Dr. G said to me. He did have his reasons, but I am just not sure how valid they are.
I have my medical file from my old OBGYN that I have been adding to over the last few years that I brought in along with my film from my pre-pregnancy kidney u/s and the old one of my fibroids (which I figured could just be thrown out, but brought just in case). The only thing he was interested in and asked me about was my fibroid surgery. He asked me not one question about my medical history, my past history, the treatments I had with Dr. N, how I was feeling, or how the pregnancy had been going so far. The only thing he wanted from my file was the fibroid surgery report which clearly states that the uterine cavity was not entered. He saw that I had 4 fibroids removed and made the assumption that I had 4 incisions. This was his main reason why I would need a C-Section. I explained that I was pretty sure that Dr. N only had to make 2 incisions because 3 of the fibroids were all together. He said, “well, he had to scrape 4 of them out”. I let it go. I have read the surgery report several times in detail and he just glanced through it for a minute or two. Hey, I am not a doctor. It’s just my body. What would I know?
Another reason he had for my having a C-Section was advanced maternal age. These are my words. As he put it, I am older and not going to be having tons of children at this point and as you get older there can be more problems with a delivery. A C-Section is safer and more controlled. Yes, I may not be having 8 kids at this point, but I would at least like to have 2 if possible. Okay, I’ll start with one, hope I get that far, and see how it goes from there, but I felt like an assumption was made that this was my one and only shot at this. Maybe it is, but how do we know that now?
The last reason he had for me to have a C-Section was the size of the child. He is making the assumption that I am going to have a big baby. Statistically speaking, he could be right on this. Typically, overweight women or women who gain a lot of weight in the first trimester are at increased risk of a large baby. I have read this in my OB book and I think it may also be referenced in the What to Expect book. The odds really increase if I end up with gestational diabetes. I have actually lost 6 lbs. in the first trimester. Of course, he didn’t know this because he never asked. When I told him, he looked at me like why are you telling me this and just said, well, we will see how it goes.
I am referred out to a specialist to go through a Level 2 U/S and to talk about genetic testing and to “either have or not have amniocentesis”. And, I am to see him again in about a month.
He did see blood when he did the physical exam. Yes, I am still spotting; in fact, it is a bit more frequent than yesterday. This is disconcerting to me. I asked him for the cause and he said not to worry since the u/s yesterday looked good. Of course, he didn’t look at my past u/s’ pictures, he just took my word for it. He agreed with Dr. N that at 12 weeks progesterone supplements are not needed because the baby/placenta has taken over. No explanation given. I think they don’t know. Easy for them to dismiss it. Not so easy for me.
He did take a little hand held monitor like the one I rented. Again, he had trouble getting the heartbeat. He said that he was able to detect it and got a reading of 154. I mentioned as he was searching that Dr. N wasn’t able to get the heartbeat that way yesterday and we ended up having to do it vaginally. I think he was determined to one up Dr. N because he searched and searched around to try and get it so I could hear it. If I hadn’t actually seen the heartbeat the day before, I would have appreciated the effort more and been worried that he had such trouble. I wanted to ask if it was a problem that the heartbeat was 178 at my 9w u/s, 159 yesterday, and only 154 today which is showing a downward trend, which of course, he didn’t know because he never looked. I figured he would just tell me it was in range so I didn’t even ask. I let it go and will just email Dr. N and ask him. Probably, it is nothing and fine, but I need to know. I need to be able to ask.
I didn’t like the fact that they didn’t even look at any of the testing that had already been done. Did he even notice that I am RH -? I am being retested for HIV, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Rubella, etc. so it can be “their” panel in “their” format from “their” lab, which happens to be the same lab that most of these tests were done. I just let it go since it was $0 out of pocket to me.
I also didn’t like the fact that I had to wait for an hour and a half before I was even brought back. I had t o pee twice and got so hungry that I went down to the pharmacy and got some milk and cookies to hold me over. Don’t they know that pregnant women need regular feedings?
Dr. G comes highly recommended from multiple sources including my RE who I adore (in case you haven’t figured that out yet) and a lady I was talking to in the waiting room that has been seeing him for 10 years, who incidentally had a 10:30 appointment and was seen before me when mine was 10:15. Did you notice I had a handful of dislikes and no likes? I have tried. I can’t think of one thing I actually like (as opposed to being either neutral or disliking). I am not sure if it was just an off day or not, but I think I need to look around for another OB. I’ll keep my referral to the specialist and my next appointment. In the mean time, I am going to look around and maybe talk to another dr. or two. I am thinking about going outside of my HMO benefit and use my PPO benefits. I think it will be worth the extra money to get the care I think I deserve and someone who sees me as a person who is going through their first pregnancy after much effort to get to this point. Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I am too high maintenance? I just think maybe I can do better.
Dr. G may be a great Dr. and nothing he said was without merit. I think maybe it is just not a good fit for me. I shouldn’t be sitting in my bathtub crying after an appointment.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
All is well!
I called my OB office first thing this morning. I had to leave a message with the appointment desk. She said that she would leave a message for the dr. and he would decide what to do and call me back. I got a call back from the nurse (or maybe it was nurse practitioner) and explained the situation. She said that the exam tomorrow wouldn’t be sufficient and they couldn’t refer me out yet because I wasn’t technically a patient yet. She asked if I could go see my RE one last time or go to the hospital, but recommended my RE since I had a history there. I, of course, jumped at that chance to see my RE again and was able to get an appointment this afternoon.
All is well!! The size and heartbeat are great! The baby was so much bigger. Dr. N said maybe I was going to have a scientist. I said, “why, because she has a big head?” He laughed and said yes. Then, he changed is mind and said maybe he is a gymnast. The baby sure was flopping around and moving a lot. First, Dr. N tried an abdominal u/s, but he couldn’t get a clear picture so we switched to vaginal. Much better and clearer. It actually looked like a baby with a head, arms, hands, legs, feet and everything. Dr. N said the spine looked good and could see all 4 chambers of the heart. It was very cool. We had one quick full body crotch shot, but Dr. N said to early to tell the sex.
I was so happy to be going back to my RE office I couldn’t stop smiling on the way in. Everyone there was happy to see me too! As worried as I was, I just couldn’t prepare my self for bad news. I also figured that if the baby was dead, I was glad that it would be Dr. N instead of some strange dr. or a lab tech telling me. I warned Dr. N before we got started that I wasn’t prepared for bad news today. He said, he really thought it would be fine.
What caused the spotting? It could have been the blood clot. Although Dr. N said that it was almost gone and he would be surprised if it caused any more bleeding. It could have been low progesterone after going off the suppositories. Although, he didn’t think it was even worthwhile to test. It could have been a combination of the two. He did a quick check of the cervix to make sure there wasn’t something there causing it. Nope. So, it is a mystery, but it all ended well since I got a nice long look at my baby.
I also felt much better about not being able to get a heartbeat on the fetal heart monitor I rented because it took Dr. N a good 5+ minutes to be able to measure the heartbeat doing a vaginal u/s because the baby kept moving. He would just get it settled and the baby would move out of range. I think he started getting a little frustrated and apologized for it taking so long. I said “Are you kidding, more time to observe my baby in action? Don’t worry, take as long as you like”. LOL.
Dr. N said that every thing looked great and it was real. I was going to get a live baby out of this.
I am tired and thirsty and I have a headache, but all is well. I got to see my baby today and s/he looked great!
All is well!! The size and heartbeat are great! The baby was so much bigger. Dr. N said maybe I was going to have a scientist. I said, “why, because she has a big head?” He laughed and said yes. Then, he changed is mind and said maybe he is a gymnast. The baby sure was flopping around and moving a lot. First, Dr. N tried an abdominal u/s, but he couldn’t get a clear picture so we switched to vaginal. Much better and clearer. It actually looked like a baby with a head, arms, hands, legs, feet and everything. Dr. N said the spine looked good and could see all 4 chambers of the heart. It was very cool. We had one quick full body crotch shot, but Dr. N said to early to tell the sex.
I was so happy to be going back to my RE office I couldn’t stop smiling on the way in. Everyone there was happy to see me too! As worried as I was, I just couldn’t prepare my self for bad news. I also figured that if the baby was dead, I was glad that it would be Dr. N instead of some strange dr. or a lab tech telling me. I warned Dr. N before we got started that I wasn’t prepared for bad news today. He said, he really thought it would be fine.
What caused the spotting? It could have been the blood clot. Although Dr. N said that it was almost gone and he would be surprised if it caused any more bleeding. It could have been low progesterone after going off the suppositories. Although, he didn’t think it was even worthwhile to test. It could have been a combination of the two. He did a quick check of the cervix to make sure there wasn’t something there causing it. Nope. So, it is a mystery, but it all ended well since I got a nice long look at my baby.
I also felt much better about not being able to get a heartbeat on the fetal heart monitor I rented because it took Dr. N a good 5+ minutes to be able to measure the heartbeat doing a vaginal u/s because the baby kept moving. He would just get it settled and the baby would move out of range. I think he started getting a little frustrated and apologized for it taking so long. I said “Are you kidding, more time to observe my baby in action? Don’t worry, take as long as you like”. LOL.
Dr. N said that every thing looked great and it was real. I was going to get a live baby out of this.
I am tired and thirsty and I have a headache, but all is well. I got to see my baby today and s/he looked great!
Monday, February 07, 2005
Freaking out …
I guess when you go though this process long enough, you become obsessive about certain things, like checking the toilet paper for blood when you wipe. I haven’t had any spotting since days before my last appointment with my RE. Last spotting was 3 weeks and 1 day ago, but who’s counting. Now, when just using the toilet, I saw clear signs of blood. I am just so freaked out. I immediately put in a progesterone suppository. Nothing like self medicating. I know this doesn’t necessarily mean the end has already happened or is eminent. However, I am so freaked out and worried. There is not enough bleeding to call my new dr. now. Why can’t I ever have a crisis during normal business hours? However, I will be calling first thing in the morning. I hate this. I really do. I was so tired all weekend. Today, I almost fell asleep at my desk a few times. Now, I am worried that was just my body killing off my baby. God, I hope not. The rational side of me knows that when you loose a baby this late it is likely some major chromosomal issue or deformity. The irrational side doesn’t care and just wants everything to work out this time. I want a real live baby at the end of this, not just getting pregnant. I’m going to go lay on the couch; try not to be too emotional and ball my eyes out; and pray. I’m so worried.
A Wild Weekend!
I have never been much of a caffeine person. I never learned to like coffee and if I drank tea it was usually decaf. I did have an occasional soda, but it just wasn’t something I HAD to have. I gave caffeine completely up sometime in the last year with no problems or really even second thoughts. It is not something I missed. I was just sleeping so badly at the time that it just wasn’t worth it. I pretty much cut out caffeine, sugar, and anything else that I thought may make a difference and help me sleep better and never looked back.
Today, today, I would really like caffeine. Today, all of a sudden, I miss it and want it. It is only early morning and I am dragging. Where is my endorphin high from my morning hike today?
This need for caffeine is probably a residual affect of living the high life this weekend. Friday night I pretty much did nothing, except walk the dogs of course, and talked on the phone with a few friends. I got off the phone just in time to puke. Then, I crawled in bed and was asleep by 9 pm.
The highlight of Saturday was a late breakfast with a friend and a little bit of shopping. I was home around 11:30 am and lounged around the rest of the day reading a book. I was asleep by 7:30 pm and other than a few quick trips to the restroom slept through until 5:30 am and then dozed until 6:30 am before dragging myself out of bed.
Sunday was pretty much a repeat of Saturday. I did force myself to get some work done on Sunday morning that had to be done before a new work week started. In fact, I had actually turned on my computer and tried to motivate myself to get it done on Saturday afternoon, but after sitting in front of the computer for a few minutes making no progress I just shut the computer off and went back to the couch. I was supposed to go to a movie and dinner with a friend, but she was running behind and didn’t think she would be available until 7 – 7:30 pm. I knew that I would never make it that late so we rescheduled. Instead, I was a couch potato and watched the Super Bowl. I must have fallen asleep before 7:30 pm again since a friend called around that time and I never even heard the phone ring.
As you can see, I had a wild weekend and was living the high life. Clearly, that is why I feel a driving need for caffeine this morning. I am settling for a caffeine free diet soda. We will see if that does the trick.
Today, today, I would really like caffeine. Today, all of a sudden, I miss it and want it. It is only early morning and I am dragging. Where is my endorphin high from my morning hike today?
This need for caffeine is probably a residual affect of living the high life this weekend. Friday night I pretty much did nothing, except walk the dogs of course, and talked on the phone with a few friends. I got off the phone just in time to puke. Then, I crawled in bed and was asleep by 9 pm.
The highlight of Saturday was a late breakfast with a friend and a little bit of shopping. I was home around 11:30 am and lounged around the rest of the day reading a book. I was asleep by 7:30 pm and other than a few quick trips to the restroom slept through until 5:30 am and then dozed until 6:30 am before dragging myself out of bed.
Sunday was pretty much a repeat of Saturday. I did force myself to get some work done on Sunday morning that had to be done before a new work week started. In fact, I had actually turned on my computer and tried to motivate myself to get it done on Saturday afternoon, but after sitting in front of the computer for a few minutes making no progress I just shut the computer off and went back to the couch. I was supposed to go to a movie and dinner with a friend, but she was running behind and didn’t think she would be available until 7 – 7:30 pm. I knew that I would never make it that late so we rescheduled. Instead, I was a couch potato and watched the Super Bowl. I must have fallen asleep before 7:30 pm again since a friend called around that time and I never even heard the phone ring.
As you can see, I had a wild weekend and was living the high life. Clearly, that is why I feel a driving need for caffeine this morning. I am settling for a caffeine free diet soda. We will see if that does the trick.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Fetal Heart Monitor Update
I read the instruction manual and listened to the CD which gave examples of heartbeat sounds at various stages of pregnancy starting from 10w and maternal sounds to help distinguish the difference. Feeling more prepared, I gave the fetal heart monitor a try. I never detected the heartbeat. I gave up after about 5 – 10 min. Afterwards, I stared having some pretty intense cramping in the area I had scanned with the monitor. My fibroid scar is also a bit itchy now. While it is supposed to be 100% safe and “just like the machines your doctors use”, I am rethinking this whole idea and strongly thinking about sending it back. Some of the fine print instructions (which were not advertised on the web page) indicated that only some women can detect the heartbeat at 10w and for others it is several weeks beyond that. Those women who are very slender (NOT ME) are much more likely to be able to detect the heartbeat earlier. Those who are heavier and have lots of padding (ME) are less likely to be able to detect the heartbeat for several more weeks. My current line of thought is that I will likely be able to hear the heartbeat about the same time I can feel the baby move. It isn’t going to be worth the extra worry. I guess Dr. N is probably right that it would just be a waste of money. Maybe I will give it one more try in a few days. More than likely, it will be going back well before the 14 day trial period is over. Like many things in life, you live and you learn.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Today’s Highs and Lows
I haven’t posted in a few days because not much has been going on as I wait patiently and sometimes not so patiently for my first OB appointment. However, I thought I would review a few highs and a few lows of the day.
Low: First OB appointment is NOT today, but next week instead.
High: My boss’s 2 hour staff meeting got cancelled. Instead of using the time to be a productive employee and catch up on work, I called a friend who is in her first 2ww and we went to lunch.
High: Right before lunch, my fetal heart monitor arrived.
Low: I took it to the restaurant with me and my friend who is a pediatrician and works in a NICU tested out the monitor on her wrist and arm and it was difficult to get the beat on the monitor. We both agreed that the baby's beat will be much harder to detect; that this may not be as easy as it looked; and it may not be a good idea because it may be more stressful instead of less stressful. We had a better understanding of my doctor had the following to say about fetal heart monitors:
Low: Getting back from lunch and deciding that I am not feeling very good and that I was going to go lay down. Make it to the bed before deciding that I am going to be sick and only making it 2 steps, thus vomiting all over my bedroom floor.
Low: Trying to clean up the mess when my mom walks in. She offers to help and tries, but visible remains are still present so I must go behind her and redo.
High: My mom felt so sorry for me she went to the store and bought dog food, which I desperately needed.
High: My mom end up going out to dinner with my sister instead of me so I got a break and was able to walk the dogs early and still (barely) have enough energy to write this post.
Low: I decided I am too tired to fully read the new fetal heart monitor instruction and watch the instructional DVD tonight. So, I will save that for another day.
High: I had a nice talk with one of my neighbors on my way back from walking my dogs. She was one of the few who knew about my ttc efforts and ask how things were going. She was thrilled to hear the news and how far along I was. Both of her sisters suffered from infertility and ended up adopting. She never talked about herself in this regard (and I never asked), but she and her husband are childless and she had a full hysterectomy which was caused by a burst fibroid (I think) right about the time I had my miscarriage this summer. She is great and really “gets it”. She was so supportive and offered her assistance if I needed any help. It is so great to have such caring neighbors.
High: I am feeling better AND I have no commitments or responsibilities for the rest of the night so I can just go lay on the couch or in bed and veg. out.
There you have it. My day. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Low: First OB appointment is NOT today, but next week instead.
High: My boss’s 2 hour staff meeting got cancelled. Instead of using the time to be a productive employee and catch up on work, I called a friend who is in her first 2ww and we went to lunch.
High: Right before lunch, my fetal heart monitor arrived.
Low: I took it to the restaurant with me and my friend who is a pediatrician and works in a NICU tested out the monitor on her wrist and arm and it was difficult to get the beat on the monitor. We both agreed that the baby's beat will be much harder to detect; that this may not be as easy as it looked; and it may not be a good idea because it may be more stressful instead of less stressful. We had a better understanding of my doctor had the following to say about fetal heart monitors:
As far as the home monitors, I think they are a big waste of your money. None of the ones available to the lay public are very good. What I've found is that most of my patients who buy them end up visiting their doctor in a panic because they can't hear the heart beat only to find out everything is OK. A much better indicator of fetal well being is monitoring the number of times the baby moves per day (at least 10). You should be able to start feeling the baby move between 15 to 20 weeks.
Low: Getting back from lunch and deciding that I am not feeling very good and that I was going to go lay down. Make it to the bed before deciding that I am going to be sick and only making it 2 steps, thus vomiting all over my bedroom floor.
Low: Trying to clean up the mess when my mom walks in. She offers to help and tries, but visible remains are still present so I must go behind her and redo.
High: My mom felt so sorry for me she went to the store and bought dog food, which I desperately needed.
High: My mom end up going out to dinner with my sister instead of me so I got a break and was able to walk the dogs early and still (barely) have enough energy to write this post.
Low: I decided I am too tired to fully read the new fetal heart monitor instruction and watch the instructional DVD tonight. So, I will save that for another day.
High: I had a nice talk with one of my neighbors on my way back from walking my dogs. She was one of the few who knew about my ttc efforts and ask how things were going. She was thrilled to hear the news and how far along I was. Both of her sisters suffered from infertility and ended up adopting. She never talked about herself in this regard (and I never asked), but she and her husband are childless and she had a full hysterectomy which was caused by a burst fibroid (I think) right about the time I had my miscarriage this summer. She is great and really “gets it”. She was so supportive and offered her assistance if I needed any help. It is so great to have such caring neighbors.
High: I am feeling better AND I have no commitments or responsibilities for the rest of the night so I can just go lay on the couch or in bed and veg. out.
There you have it. My day. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
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