I’m back and better than ever

I have been taking a much needed break. I didn’t even walk into the computer room this weekend. In fact, if you saw me or spoke to me this weekend, you were one of the privileged few. I don’t think I talked to one non-SMC person the whole weekend.

Saturday, I attended a local SMC meeting. It was a large group this month and they are always so much fun. I ended up getting home much later than planned. Then, I went into major hibernate mode. I had an official “lay about” for the rest of the weekend. Only left the house to walk the dogs. I moved from room to room laying on my bed, the bed in one of my spare rooms, the couch, etc. I don’t think I even turned on the T.V. I went into the land of fiction and fantasy, reading a murder mystery and starting on a family epic. It was great.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Okay, so I’m back to feeling tired now, but it was good while it lasted, and I am sure the Peanut M&M’s I had for breakfast didn’t help.

I know I have mentioned this is in other places, but I am not sure that I have here, on my blog. March 15th was the due date for my miscarriage this summer. While I am thrilled that I am currently pregnant and in the second trimester for this pregnancy, it has been hard thinking about what might have been/could have been and that I would be almost at the end of this journey, if only….

I can’t even imagine how hard it would be if I was still trying to conceive again. I know that would be much, much worse.

I have also been struggling with the fact that pregnancy isn’t what I expected it to be. I expected it to be better. I’m not talking about the physical aspects. Truth be told, I miss the 1st Tri symptoms (as sick as that may sound) and have thought on more than one occasion this last week that I don’t even feel pregnant. During my little break, I realized that symptoms are still there, but they are more subtle and a bit harder to see.

I expected the emotional aspects of pregnancy to be better. That I would be happier, more positive. Just…Just….Just more. I decided to go down the ttc path, instead of adoption, because I wanted to experience the miracle of pregnancy and the thrill of having a baby growing inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy, but…I am also more negative and worried than I care to be. This is very unusual and hard for me. I am a happy, optimistic, positive person usually. This is the first situation I can ever remember where I have struggled with negativity. The thing is, you can’t MAKE yourself be positive or optimistic. At least, I am not finding that to be the case. I have tried. I really have. I think I have come to terms with the fact that my feeling are my feelings. They aren’t what I was expecting during pregnancy, but they are valid and they are real and they are mine.

I have been feeling bad because friends and family are starting to ask me about a baby shower and want to start planning one for me. They don’t seem to understand when I respond that I am not sure that I want one. They want me to be happier and more optimistic. I can’t be that person right now. I just can’t. Maybe I will change my mind as things get closer, but I can’t even think about that now. I can’t make those plans only to have it not work out.

I just need to take it in smaller steps, smaller milestones.

I think I mentioned that I recently read someplace (can’t remember where) that pregnancy is not a promise, it is a hope. This sentiment really struck me. I think it is something I will remember and always keep with me. I am hopeful that it will be okay. I don’t have ANY reason to think that it will not. I have too much scar tissue (so to speak) from the ttc process and my miscarriage this summer. I have read and heard too many stories about things going really bad and the person not taking home a baby in the end. Some of these stories are very close to home like a good friend of mine who lost her first child during pre-term labor and her second child in the NICU after 10 days. I know too much at this point. Sometimes, I think the real miracle is that anyone ever has a baby and that things ever work out okay. I know that the majority of the time, it does work out, but there are no guarantees. I can live with that unknown. I just can’t be all Pollyanna and positive.

So, tomorrow, on my “first” due date, bright and early, I will see the Perinatalogist and hope that my “second” baby is still alive and well. I will hope that I get to move on to the next step, the next milestone. I am going to accept that it is normal and acceptable for me to have dead baby thoughts and worry until then. I am not going to fight it anymore.

I am who I am and pregnancy is not what I thought it would be. I don’t have to be positive and happy all the time. I also want to thank all of my SMC friends that I have been able to share either face to face at our meeting or through other means, for allowing me to verbalize my thoughts as I have tried to work through my issues and fears and worries these last few days. I just felt so much better about being me after the SMC meeting on Saturday (and private phone calls before and after that event this last week) for all of the little comments and support and camaraderie. For not expecting me to be “glowing” and “ecstatic”. For letting me be me. I especially appreciate it since the women who were the most supportive are still trying to conceive and would probably give just about anything to be where I am.

Even though I am just posting about this now, I am actually in a calm, peaceful state at the moment. I am not really worried about tomorrow. It took me awhile, but I have come to terms with the fact that the news could be good, bad, or neutral. I have spent the last few days pondering and processing and thinking about this when I wasn’t in the land of fiction. I think I have everything worked out for now in my own mind. I think that probably everything will be fine. I hope that this is true.

On a side note, I still have not decided definitively on amnio. I am leaning towards no, but am open to changing my mind tomorrow during or after my dr. visit. I just can’t imagine terminating in any situation, but would love to have the information. If it were 100% risk free, I would go for it no questions asked. I just know that if I did it and I did have a miscarriage as a result, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I try to live my life so that I have no regrets.

I’m back. I’m less crabby and more at peace.