What a week

I have so many thoughts rattling around in my brain that I am not quite sure where to start and if I can get them out in any logical, coherent manner. I am up in the middle of the night again. I can’t speak for the pre-pregnancy era, but post pregnancy I have noticed that me being up in the middle of the night correlates to having a BM in the middle of the night. If I just have to pee, no problem. I’m back to sleep quickly. If not, I’m up for awhile. Sigh.

Monday was a horrible day. I couldn’t stop crying from the shock of hearing how sick Lucky is and that I will likely loose her. I took her back to the vet for x-rays to see if her internal lymph nodes were swollen. They didn’t appear to be. Then, I came home crawled in bed sobbing for awhile while trying to uselessly take a nap. The vet called back with the x-ray results and options. I set up appointments with the Radiologist for Tuesday and the Oncologist for Wednesday. And, took the dogs to the beach. I used a whole roll of film mostly taking pictures of Lucky having a great time. On the way home, I stopped by the vets to pick up the x-rays and referral reports for both the upcoming appointments.

Tuesday I tried to catch up on work and left early take Lucky to the Radiologist for an ultrasound and a biopsy of her liver and spleen to see if the cancer had invaded those organs yet. I was a tad annoyed because when I made the appointment I specifically asked how long it took to get the results back and whether I would get them back in time for the Oncologist appointment because they had a morning and an afternoon appointment available. I was told it didn’t matter, but when I talked to the dr. she said it would take 24 hours. If I would have taken the early appointment, I could have had them back in time. I would have had to re-arrange about 4 meetings for work to take the early appointment, but would have done it.

Wednesday I had my staff meeting with my team and left for the Oncologist and made it back several hours later about 15 min. late for my boss’s staff meeting. I talked to the Oncologist about pro’s and con’s and chances of survival. I started Lucky on a round of chemotherapy right then. For the record, I have decided to only refer to this as “the treatment” and not “Chemo” because saying or typing the words Chemo makes me sad and seem negative. The treatment, even if it is longer, sounds more positive and hopeful. That afternoon, I found out that they did find cancer cells in both the liver and the spleen. This makes her cancer early Stage 4 (since the cells are present, but the u/s didn't show them to be swollen). Stage 3 would have been better, but the treatment is the same for either Stage 3 or 4.

Thursday I tried to play catch up again at work and am still woefully behind, but left early again for a Chiropractor appointment for me. Dr. Dan is still terrific, but I wasn’t so ready to lure him into bed this month. I came home, walked the dogs, and crashed at 7:30 pm. I slept for 10 hours only waking up every few hours to pee.

Friday was a holiday for work and had planned to work anyway to catch up, but decided to wash the dogs instead. Shadow had waded in some murky water when I took them to the beach on Monday and stunk to high heaven. I gave her a quick bath on Monday night after I gagged and vomited in my flower bed when she passed me getting out of the car, but she still stank and I didn’t want to be around her. After that, I broke down and actually vacuumed the floors in the entire house. It had gotten so bad with me and the dogs tracking in mud that I couldn’t even stand to walk around without socks and slippers/shoes. I had my second OB appointment around lunchtime and left late thinking traffic wouldn’t be bad. WRONG. Managed to get there within 5 min. of my appointment time. The nurse said my blood pressure was a bit high 130/80. I didn’t bother to tell her what a shitty week I had or being stressed about the traffic. I hope that was the cause. Dr. P did an heartbeat check and the baby is still alive. My quad screen results weren’t in yet.

Saturday I took the dogs on a nice hike, did a little work work, fell asleep for 90 min., then hung out in my back yard reading and cuddling/playing with the dogs all afternoon. I got my fountain working. It was a nice sunny warm, but not hot day. I can’t even tell you how sick of cloudy skys and rain I am. In the evening, the neighbor boy (he is 4) came over and played (marbles, piano, marbles, bubbles, putting his feet in the pool, bubbles). He has started coming over every few weeks when he is bored at home and his parents are pre-occupied with something else. After he left, I had dinner, read a bit more, took a bath, tried to read some more and finally gave up and turned off the light at 9:15 pm.

It was a sad, emotional week all in all. The thing is that Lucky doesn’t realize that she is sick. Even after the treatment, she is just fine. Her stool has been a bit soft since then, but basically she is her same normal self. She was getting upset because I was upset. I decided that I didn’t want that. If I only have a little bit of time left with her, I don’t want her worrying about me. I want her happy. So, basically, life is going on and I am going to try to make in mostly normal except for the weekly treatments. I have been a little easier on her than I would have been if I didn’t know her time was limited. The other day when I wanted to walk straight for a shorter walk and she wanted to go right for a longer walk. I gave in. On Friday when we were resting while hiking, I was sitting on a rock and she came up and wanted so “sit” on my lap (she thinks she is a 60 lb lap dog), I let her even though her muddy paws got me all dirty and wet. Yesterday, when we were out in the back yard and she was up in the flower bed barking at the neighbor dogs and squirrels, I didn’t yell at her (like I have for her whole life) to get out of the flower bed. There will be plenty of time for flowers to grow there later.

I was happy to realize that I have no regrets with the time that I have had with my dogs. I don’t have any “if onlys”. On Monday when I was still in shock and coming to terms with the news, I was thinking about how I could make her life better for the time she had left. I realized that I had wanted to take the dogs to the beach, but had been putting it off because I was too busy and tired lately. So I did it then. I realized that I hadn’t “played” with Lucky quite as much as I used too since I was pregnant. When we come home from being out, or I come home, or someone comes over, Lucky gets one of her toys in her mouth and wants to play (chase is her game). I have decided to be a bit better about that. Other than that, my dogs have a great life. They are well fed, well exercised, and well loved. I hope the treatments work and can put her into remission, at least for a little while. If not, I know that I have given her the best life she could have had. I’m still sad, but coming to terms with it.