Happy Birthday to you!!

The twins turned ONE today. What a roller coaster....What a ride.....

Poor Fellow

Under the things that could make you cry or scream.....

R is on day 3.5 of antibiotics. Still feverish. Still feeling terrible. Still clingy and crabby (for him). Just not shaking things. Called the peds office and urgent care gave the wrong dosage ... half of what he should have been taking. Thankfully, they just called in a new prescription with the proper dosage and we are starting the 10 day clock over.

I'm glad I called put upset that it was wrong in the first place and that I didn't follow up and check with either my friend who is a ped or our peds office earlier. When the doc gave me the dosage, it seemed a bit low to me, but I honestly couldn't remember and thought about asking him if he was sure but figured....ah, he went to medical school and I didn't and prescribing meds is key part of his job so presumably he knew what he was doing. To bad, because they really were close and convienient, but they have lost my trust now. I'm wondering if I should call them back and tell them or just let it go.

I just feel bad for my poor little fellow who just wants to be held when there hasn't been enough time to do that for him and that he spent several more days than he should have feeling miserable because of an error and a mom not following through on something when her instinct suggested she should.

Tapped out

How do you feel today sister? Tapped out. Spent. Emotionally drained.

It was a hard day. It was announced today that many colleagues I have worked with for many years. Good solid knowledgeable hard working people will be out of work in the next round of layoffs. I myself will be moving into a new role.

I had a clogged milk duct. Ouch. I added heat and extra pumps and think I now have it cleared again.

R is still sick, but seems to have turned the corner.

Three, almost 4 year olds, can be so annoying sometimes, especially when you are tired, have a headache, a sore boob, and emotionally spent because of work.

I did not get to the store, but did get the car into the shop for routine service where they found and additional $550 worth of potential work. I didn't do it all.

N pulled herself up into a stand yesterday. She was so proud. She's starting to move and scoot and think maybe she will be crawling soon.

I need to make birthday cakes either today or tomorrow. I've thought about only making some for the party and not their actual day. They won't know, but I likely won't. I guess it depends on how the next few days goes.

Know better

Just shoot me, pop me over the head, give me a strong reminder next time I even think of uttering the words healthy, reasonably healthy, or any such sentiment. Really. I know better. I do.

R = urgent care = double ear infection.

The bad news, other than the sickness, is that the peds office was too busy to even return a phone call to get us in today and a flock of birds or at least a really big one poo'd all over the twins, the stroller, and the car when I was loading them in to come home...gross. The good news is the urgent care was open, close, quick, and not too expensive.

I started suspecting yesterday actually. R was a little fussy and he usually isn't. Then, he woke up about an hour after bedtime last night screaming and rubbing his ear, but no fever and he went right back. He woke up crying off and on all night, but self soothed and fell right back to sleep. Forgot about it actually in the morning madness until he woke up from his morning nap with a fever and I just knew. So, dealt with early in the day and will get some meds in the fellow and get him on the med. Poor guy.

Now, just hoping N doesn't get it.

State of affairs

It's 5:50 am on a Saturday morning. What are you doing?

Me: I'm up. Been up for almost 2 hours now. Ray cried in his sleep. Woke me up and that was that. I'm now pumping.

R: In excersaucer and not thrilled with it. He was tolerating it while he had his cookie/toddler biscuit in his hands, but seems to have lost. Ah, just started a DVD all from the confines of the couch and he has stopped whinning again. I don't care what anyone says. TV rocks!

Max: Sleeping in. Good. With me short on sleep it's better he gets lot to improve the odds of a decent day. Speaking of the devil, I hear stirring from within his room and expect to see him momentarily. Yep.

N: Getting some floor/tummy time. Normally, she gets put in the exersaucer as well for safety reasons...hers. But, she's really starting to move and getting closer to crawling and with one brother confined and the other alseep it was a good opportunity. She had a follow up with the cardiologist this week and we don't need to go back again for a year. She still has and I forget the medical terms here...a skin tag on one of the ventricles of her heart likely caused by the PIC line in the NICU and then they saw this time the normal opening in the heart has not fully closed yet. Both were dully noted, but neither seemed concerning by either the tech or the doc. And, they even agreed with me that TV rocks since N and a little Barney in mommy's lap made the entire visit much shorter and better than it could have gone especially since the nurse putting her on the table to measure her length set off screams that got people popping in to make sure things were okay.

I both look forward and dread weekends. I like the extra time with the kids, but it is hard and tiring especially when I head into it tired which is pretty much all the time. At least this weekend, everyone seems to be over the sicknesses and are relatively healty.

Big week ahead. Last week/4 days of Preschool for Max (summer school starts the following Tuesday or Wednesday...need to go look that up so it is basically a long weekend which will likely seem forever) and the twins turn 1 with a small party next Saturday.

What's up

I just sent the following email to my older sister. I actually think I will not hear a word back. When I think about it, which really isn't that often...because I have a lot on my plate right now...I alternate between being angry and sad. We are 13 months apart and her kids are now grown and gone. She lives less than an hour away (pending Los Angeles traffic). When I'm in my angry phase, which I am right now, I remind myself that it has more to do with her than with me and that she has apparently written off and isn't communicating with our youngest sister either. When, I would really just have a good fight with her and be done with it. I'd call, but she's not picking up when I do (admittedly, I haven't called that often...birthday, major holiday's, to try to get ahold of my mom who I thought was at her house and coming to my house, but I wasn't going to be here as planned cause I had to run Ray to the doctors) and haven't heard back. I've sent an email or two and haven't heard back. Presumably, she isn't talking to me. Probably, I would have picked up on this earlier except...I've kind of been busy this year. Sigh.

Did we get in a fight that I don't know about? If there is something I have done or not done to cause problems, it would be nice at some point to know what it is. Because really, I don't have a clue. I feel damned either way. We didn't invite you to Easter which really was an oversight since you have pretty much not participated in any family event in the last few years and you've wanted to keep things small with you and Frank or friends which is fine, but then I heard (indirectly of course, because I presume you aren' t talking to me?) that you were hurt. Then, you do get invited (with plenty of notice) to the twins birthday party and don't even bother to acknowledge or reply either way. It seems that family and holidays were only important when your kids were small at this point. If that's the way you feel then fine, I guess it is better that you are not in our lives right now. Truly, it is your loss. Anyway, I'm presuming since I haven't heard from you that you will not be attending the twins first birthday. It will be the only one they ever have.

I guess I'll go back to just letting things lie and taking the path of least resistance since most of the time that's all I have time and energy to do, but it just makes it harder all the way around. For example, I have a cousin coming in town this weekend for a week...or so I hear through the grapevine...and I would like to see him, but he is staying at her house, then going to San Diego, and this means I likely won't get the chance to see him at all. I totally get him not wanting to stay here since he is single bachelor mid thirties so would be total culture shock, but a shared meal might be nice.

Anyway, I won't go renege my invitation or be petty or any more rash than sending the email, but it would be nice to at least have a clue what the issue is...real or imagined.

Well, I have other things to do, like buy the twins a present, get stuff to make cakes and/or cupcakes, decide on food and decorations ... so, pretty much everything except invite people.

A rare treat

A friend, whose husband is out of town, came yesterday afternoon ...picking up Max on the way... and made the most delicious dinner. She wouldn't let me help at all in the cooking or cleaning up. We were able to visit. I got extra baby time. It was so nice. The kids...her 5 yrs old b/g twins and Max...played (mostly nicely...with the mostly being Max, of course :). Upon my profuse thanks (i.e. what are you doing every night for the rest of my life?), she commented that woman really appreciate woman since we know the effort involved. I'd feel guilty except I enjoyed it too much and she said she cooks almost every night anyway. Still harder to do it someplace else.

Baby Dayz

The twins had a field trip to Max's school this morning or Max had the twins in for show and tell today depending on how you look at it. They are having "Baby Week" where people can bring in their babies if they want and all the kids are bringing in baby pictures and trying to guess who is who. Everyone had a wonderful time. The kids all had to tell me they didn't have a baby at home and to show me their baby pictures. Then, they had snacks for the babies which was so sweet, but we had fed them before I left to help it go well. But, all the kids kept shoving the snacks at the twins. It was so funny. Max was so happy. R was in awe. N looked shocked and happy to see so many girls all in one place. She kept starring at all there faces in disbelief and put out her hands to touch them to make sure they were real. N really did well as she tends to be a bit slow to warm. Max came and gave me a big long hug, tried to get R to cause some rucus and held N during circle time. I think the only thing that would have made it better for Max was if R got into his full on menace mode and crawled all over dumping the toys all and wreck the block buildings. It was much funnier to see Max try to insitgate this at school where it didn't work than at home when it does. It was the perfect amount of time...about 40 minutes. R started to reach his comfort zone and made a dash for the bathroom and N was about to loose it from overstimulation. So glad we did it and so like the preschool and teachers Max goes to and has.

Testing, Testing 1 - 2 - 3

Please, tell me it is just a phase. Please, I implore you as I pray for patience.

Scene: About 5 pm. Dinner is finished. I'm giving R a breathing treatment. Neomi is doing the dishes. N is watching TV and playing nicely. Max is playing and has a poo. Neomi goes to help wipe. Max throws a fit screaming and crying "no, my mommy, I want my mommy to do it" and runs away from her around the house with his pants around his ankles. Fine. I hand R off to Neomi so she can finish the breathing treatment, at which point R starts throwing a fit and knocks the despencer off thus spilling the contents after about 3 minutes. Meanwhile, I wipe Max butt and put him into the tub.

Scene: About 5:15. Max is still in tub. I tell him for the second time no more water. R I am carting around with me as he has decided to be a mommy cling on for the night. N is still playing nicely in baby jail (probably happy her brothers are leaving her alone and she isn't at present moment in physical peril and no one is grabbing all her toys away) and watching TV. I give Max a 5 minute warning.

Scene: About 5:18. Max is still in tub. I hear water go on again. I hand off R to Neomi for diaper change and PJ's. Go tell Max for the 3rd and final time, no more water and now it is time to get out. He throws a fit and refuses to get out. I says he is going to splash water all over the floor [before it drains]. I remind him that if he does, he will need to clean up the water. He does it anyway. He puts a pitcher on his foot and tells me he is going to club me with it and hurt me. I tell him I do not like to be hurt and if he does this, I will have to take away the pitcher and he will not be able to use it for awhile until he can show me he can use it properly. He gets out of the tub with the pitcher, puts it on his foot and clubs [although gently as he is only willing to push it so far] with it. I take it away and put i up out of his reach. He laughs and tells me he will just get it down [but he can't as it is too tall]. I dry him off and give him the towel to dry the wall and floor where he splashed. He refuses. Does a little and then throws the towel into the tub which still has not drained all the way. Most of the towel is wet except one part of which he asks what part is dry. I show him so he can use that to wipe the rest of the water. He puts it back into the tub making sure to get the dry part wet. I send him to the linin closet to get a dry towel. He does. Finally, he starts wiping up the water commenting that it is hard work and he doesn't like doing it. Bingo. Yes, I comment, it's hard work for me too and I don't like it either.

Scene: About 5:45. We are all in the twins room doing last bottle and bedtime for the twins. Neomi has left by now. Max and R had a nice game of chase Max's sippy cup where the goal is for Max to keep it just out of R's reach as R crawls as fast as he can to get it only to have it tossed even further. Both seem to be enjoying this game so it continues until it is R's turn for bottle. Max has turned over the stool for the rocker being warned repeatedly that N doesn't like to have the sharp corners bashed into her head. He is warned [since this has been a problem in the recent past] that if he purposly hurts her or any of us, calls any of us a name, or is disruptive, he will be asked to leave the room. He tests without actually crossing the line this time.

Scene: About 5:50. The twins and I are still doing final stages of bedtime ... getting on sleep blankets and about to start books. I ask Max, who is in the kitchen putting water in bowls for some odd reason, if he wants to pick books and participate. He declines. I start reading. He comes in screaming half way through the book that he wanted to pick and start over and on and on and hissy fit. I calmly tell him that he is not being considerate of the twins bed and book time and if he continues, he will be asked to leave the room. He continues and escalates. He is removed from the room continuing to throw a fit, but at least outside the room so I can finish books and get the twisn to bed.

Scene: About 5:55. Max is still crying and tantruming. I go into his room and cuddle him until he calms down. When I ask what books he wants to read, he indicates the ones I had just read the twins. I get them and then he doesn't want them, but another one. I read the other one. We climb in bed for cuddles and kisses for a bit.

Scene: About 6:20 pm. All three kids are asleep. The beautiful sound of silence.

Now, probably this is all normal age appropriate testing stuff, but ....it sure can be tiring. I hate to be on him so much, but sometimes he just makes such bad choices after being given plenty of warnings. Yes, it's at the end of the day an he is tired. We all are, but still. He has to learn that he can not phyically hurt his siblings at will. He has to learn that he can't go around calling us names, although he really makes an effort not to call me names anymore after pushing it past the limit. He has to learn that being part of a family means being considerate. If I don't correct him, who will and how will he learn. However, he needs the limits. He needs to know when he crosses the line. He tests to make sure he knows where the line is and what it means to cross it and what the consequences are. I need to remind myself of this and that it is normal.

I'm not sure if it is a boy thing, or an age thing, or just a Max thing, but it can try my patience at the best of times. Tonight, I had enough left to stay calm and cool about the whole thing instead of yelling at him and letting him suck me so it went better than it can when I just can't take it anymore.

Well, hopefully, he has learned his lessons or we will be back at it again tomorrow.

ETA: OMG, I just had a terrible, terrible thought....what if it isn't a phase? What if this continues up to and during the teenage years where just that which is tested changes to be bigger and badder and more problematic with bigger consequences. I can see my future and it could be kind of scary. Oh well, nothing to be done but to plug along do the best we can and hope and pray it makes a difference and/or divine intervention.

One with the money, two for the show

I took Max to the movies for the first time yesterday. I would say he loved the experience and was ready to do it again soon. The show, not so much. If his mommy had done a better job picking and realized it was a PG movie not G so it was more age appropriate, it would have been better. He got on my lap and cuddled after the first scary part and just looked around at the others. Towards the end, he told me he was tired of the movie and wanted to go home. So, I did what any good mom would do...bribe him with candy after the movie if he let me stay to the end. For even more mommy points, I actually took him to the movies on the same day that we skipped going to church...but, in my own defense, the twins were slightly more than a tad whinny and fussy and it was bad enough I had to listen to it let alone subjecting everyone else in the "cry room" to it, even if it is the cry room. And, by going to the movie with Max, I got bonding time with the older kid and the sitter got to deal with the cranks (okay, just kidding, they were napping for more than half the time we were gone and I really did need the break).

The funny or not so funny thing about the sitter thing was that it wasn't until almost 2 hours after I called and ask if she could come an hour earlier than planned that I realized I didn't even have her scheduled to come at all that day. Then, had to call back to make sure that she did know I meant TODAY since 1) I had already bought the movie tickets online and 2) I had mentally prepared for time away for good behavior. Mental preparedness is key I have found.

Sometimes I am amazed what I can accomplish in any give day or hour. Other, I'm amazed at how little and how I can squander that same amount of time. I *should* be working right now or at least paying bills (and tax return is back so not actually having the money isn't an issue at the present moment), but...I don't wanna (typed with as much whine as possible).

Having a hard time "caring" about my job at the moment knowing the role is going away soon. It all seems like such a farse, like how important can the work be if it isn't important to actually pay to keep a person it it. Oh, I'll get done what needs to get done, but doesn't mean I have to actually feel like it.

Reminding myself

I feel like crap. Stuffy nose, can't breath, blah, blah, blah. So tired I've just been wanting to curl up in bed all day, but alas work and chores and things to be done. And, a certain 3 year old is still not asleep an hour after bedtime. A few minutes ago he came out to tell me his toe hurt, then he had to go to the bathroom, then he needed to tell me he loved me, now he needs water...cold water. Anyway, just reminding myself that it really is all worth it and part of the package.


I've been waiting for this one to come home from school. Max made it for mothers day. It is a picture of me and says "I love my mom because she's beautiful. She gives me hugs and kisses."
Max making baby food, just like his momma. He got a bunch of kumquats at this party we went to and he had to bring a bunch home for his babies.
And, I know I'm biased and all, but I just can't help myself, as they are just so beautiful. I just look at them and am stunned that such beauty exists in my children.

Short lived

My little burst of enrgy and happiness last night was short lived. Woke up this morning sick. N is now also sick. I was sure hoping that the rest of us would just pass on this bug R had and it was looking that way...until today. I figured too good to be true with the lack of sleep and all the slobber and such that goes on around here.

TMI

Under the too much information category, I'm happy to report that I still have not had a menstral cycle since I've had the twins. I had that one way back in the beginning when either both twins were still in the hospital or R was home an N was still there and remember being really pissed off about it, but since then...nada. I feel hormone shifts every now and again, but so far...my old decreped non functioning ovaries have been resting. Almost makes all this pumping worth it. Not sure how long I'm going to go but at least the year mark. Probably until the ped tells me that they can move to whole milk. Since they are on solids now, unless they need a topper off before bed or wake at night, they are solely on breast milk at this point. Maybe the big can of formula we just openned from Costco will be the last I need to purchase. One can only hope. Less than 3 weeks until the year mark. My oh my.

Good for the soul

I spent about 45 - 60 minutes gardening tonight after I put the kids to bed and it was wonderful. Granted, Max came out and joined me instead of falling asleep and helped and talked to me and chattered and chattered and I didn't want to stop so I let him get away with it and it was wonderful in spite of not being kid free. I love flowers and I love plants and I love digging in the dirt and I had flowers left over from the planing project in Max's school last week that I really needed to get in the ground before they died and I'm so happy that I did it tonight. I only worked in my front flower bed and planted a few live plants in the pots near my front door that I usually put fakes in during the summer months because it gets so hot they need to be watered every day and usually I can't commit to daily watering. I've got the bug now and want to do more. I have a sitter for Sunday afternoon/evening and was thinking I'd call some friends to see if they wanted to do a movie or dinner because I vowed after last weekend that I need to carve out some me time, but think I'll go buy flowers and plants instead. I feel joy and energy I haven't felt in awhile tonight. It's 8 pm and I'm not exhausted and crabby and dead to the world and I didn't really get any more sleep than usual last night. I'm plotting what flower bed I want to focus on next. It's going to be a win/win as I'm going to be doing a fair amount of entertaining this summer with a party for the twins in June, a party for Max in August and hosting at least one if not two SMC gatherings. Amazing how sometihng so small can be so good for the soul and the psyche.

Better Odds

Last night my mom came to dinner and Noemi was still here until 5:30 pm and bedtime went much better. One person to give Max a bath while N played on the bathroom floor. One person to give R another breathing treatment. And, one person (not me!) to clean up the kitchen/dinner dishes and floor post dinner mess. I actually got to sit for about 15 minutes and play with babies between dinner and bath (where I also straighten and organized toys at the same time because I can't help myself...the nanny thinks clean is throwing all toys in one huge mess into the toy baskets...I think clean is putting all the shapes in the shape box, the fish back in the fish bowl, the books back on the table..so the kids learn they are supposed to go together and have fun taking them out and pulling them to the floor at the next opportunity). It was much better odds and much nicer all around.

Whine, Whine, Whine

This weekend was long. In fact, other than seeing friends I haven't seen in too long, it sucked. I wish I enjoyed my time with the kids more, but honestly, I didn't. The lack of sleep is killing me. It wouldn't be so bad, but when I get woken around 2:30 - 3:30 am I don't get any more sleep. Sometimes, I get unrestful dozing and that's about it. I yelled too much. R was sick and whinny. Max had act out behaviors in part because I was tired and crabby and in part because I had friends over (one on Sunday and another on Monday) and so he had less of my attention which didn't thrill him. The slog of it can just be a bit much. With R sick and adding in breathing treatments, there is just not a minute to even sit and play and baby hold. While this is a cute stage for the babies, I feel like I don't get to enjoy much of it because there is stuff that has to get done. Just covering the basics eats into every spare minute. And, so here I sit glad that R and Max are still sleeping while N watches TV while I pump and talk to her on and off glad the weekend is over, feeling tired and crabby and the day hasn't even begun, but most of all feeling like a failure of a mother for not enjoying it more. I love my kids. I wouldn't trade it back for my single and fansy free days. But, I just wish I had more quality time and could sit and enjoy more. I guess you could say the pumping, making baby food, cooking dinner are labers of love, but it sure would be nice if the majic house cleaning fairy would stop in and do the dishes, the high chairs, and the floor (not to mention fix baby jail, rehang the curtains that have been pulled off the windows, and clean up ever other disaster or mess that appears every two seconds). Blah, whine, whine, whine. I hope everyone else had a nice enjoyable happy weekend. Here, it was all just a bit too much.

Tinkerbell

Last week, I stopped and got taco's before picking Max up from school...or rather on the way home from a Costco run before picking him up from school. We don't eat much fast food and probably have had taco's less than 5 times. Max asked me if they were from Tinkerbell. Oh, yes, I did have to smile. When he is not being completely obnoxious and calling people butthead and poopy diaper and other such lovely names, he is actually quite pleasant and funny and a pleasure to be around. Since I can't be on him all the time and he gets such pleasure from using such language and thinks he is the funniest thing alive, I have drawn the line that he can't call "me" names and have been consistently enforcing it. We've gone to battle a few times over it, but I think it might be sinking in. I still need to read Siblings without Rivery but have decided to ignore any names he calls the twins right now because they don't understand him and he laughs when he does it and they laugh back eating up his attention so until they can complain, he can call them whatever he wants (within reason) as long as he is respectful to me. Anyway, we had Tinkerbell the other day. It was yummy.

Sleep Training

It's funny how kids can be so different. I'd marvel at those who were able to do CIO after Max was born and as he grew. No way would that work for him. He just gets more and more and more upset until he can almost make himself sick. N is that way as well. She is actually my best sleeper and best self soother, but every now and again she can get herself riled up till no tomorrow. The other day she started crying about midway through my last pump of the day and, because I was tired and really didn't want to unhook and rehook, I just let her cry for about 10 minutes. Boy she got herself wound up. As an aside, I can't wait until she can sit herself up and gets moving a bit more because almost always it is a gas bubble stuck for her that she can't get out. Anyway, R is really the opposite of Max and N. he almost always needs to cry or moan or fuss a bit before falling asleep. If you go in, he will pop right up and be all happy and like...let's party, yeah!...and then will have to settle back down and then will again need to cry or moan or fuss a bit. I'm not sure it is really a CIO scenario in the truest sense, but you need to let him cry where as with Max and N trying that just leads to disaster. Just interesting observations.

In other sleep realated news, I'd love to move N and R to a once a day nap. I've done it a few times on the weekends for various reasons, but not regularily. Sadly, I don't think they are quite ready. But hopefully soon.

Often, I see parents walking around with a sleeping child in their arms. The other day a mom took a sleeping toddler out of her car seat and walked her older child into Preschool all while the toddler still slept. I see babies sleeping in strollers and out and about. These are not my children. I often wonder if it is a genetic type thing or if they just get regular and enough sleep during home naps and the night that they aren't tired enough. I just can't push it enough most of the time to see cause I think it would be too much of a disaster. These early years pass so quickly and I can just wait to do that out and about until they are older and don't need naps and hopefully avoid poor behavior as a result.

Anyway, the whole sleep issue is one that I have found most intersting as a parent and that often tends to be so contreversial amount parents and parenting styles. I keep meaning to pick back up Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and rescim some of it. I've promised myself I'll do that to brush up before trying to mess with the 2 a day to 1 a day naps.

Good News/Bad News - Edited

The good news is that we (are not yet at least) spending the weekend in the hospital. The bad news is that Ray is sick with respiratory infection/croup and was having stridor (difficulty breathing) so we will be spending the weekend doing breathing treatments, oral steroids, and hopes it stays in control. And, we were on such a healthy streak.

Of course, I had to cancel the appointment with the plumber to dash off to the peds so still don't have a working kitchen sink. But that is a whole other story...a saga really.

R is still sleeping, but was up at 4 coughing a little, but sounding so much better. So, if we stay on top of the breathing treatments, (not to jinx myself) I think we will avoid the hospital this time. Glad we caught it early and I was able to get in yesterday. And, Max's day was made yesterday because the plumber was able to come and let him be the assistant. Ah, the simple joys in life. Sink is currently working and not leaking...for now. Not holding my breath it stays that way.

Life is funny like that

One of the things I've been worrying a bit about is a Father's day celebration they are having next Friday at Max's preschool. I hadn't thought too much about it until they had the mothers day one last month and every single mom was there. I was worried that Max would feel left out and we are already dealing quite a bit with the daddy issue these days. I talked to the teachers a bit about it so they could be aware and I was glad I had because when they started a project (painting a rock) Max didn't want to participate because he didn't have a daddy, but they were able to offer up that all families were different and maybe he could make it for someone else. So, he made it for his Uncle Jim, who is also his God father. The teachers also put up a sign up to see how many of the dad's were going to make it. About 3/4's have signed up so far with a week to go. I had blocked my work schedule and had thought to take Max out for a special lunch with mom. I asked Max about it recently and he gave me this look like "are you crazy" and told me, no, he wanted to stay at school and play with all those dad's and it was fine he didn't have one he could just play with someone else dad. A good reminder to not project my own issues onto him and I was so glad I asked.

Another thing I have been a bit worried about and has kept me from much needed sleep is the work situation. There have been lots of changes and lots of layoffs and more are on the way. I've been thinking about how to play the situation, if it would matter one way or another, and what is important to me right now in a work situation. My cousin and her husband are going to be moving within about 3 hours (or less depending on traffic) and whether I wanted to try to move closer to where they are. I'm glad I had done the mental leg work. I found out today that my current position was going to be eliminated. The organization I have been supporting only since November when I came back from maternity leave was given two hours to decide whether they wanted me and how they can make it work. They did and offered up another name to "save me". It is a lot less responsibility and scope than what I have had in the last 7 - 10 years and I"m sure I'll be over paid for the position, but I'm actually really looking forward to the change and while many may look at it as a step down, I actually look at it as a good career move for the long run and perfect for now. It gives me a few more years before needing to make a big change which will get the twins to preschool, let's me still work at home, and saves my current pay. I had decided that if part of the deal was less money, I was not going to take it and that it was a sign to move on. As long as it was work in my area of expertise and passion, I'd be interested. Like I said, I was glad I had done the leg work so I knew what I would be okay with or not.

I was back in Max's classroom today for a planting project. It was a big mess, but I think everyone had a great time. They each made a pot of flowers to take home and picked another for the school to hang outside. One of the teachers was helping me carry stuff back out and thanked me for it and for all the projects this year and said that she had already told the other teachers who may get Max next year about how lucky they would be.

At about midnight last night, I took some tylenol PM to see if it could help shut off my mind so I could get some sleep. I haven't used that since well before the twins were born because I was afraid it would affect my milk supply. It didn't and I got about 4 hours which was more than I would have otherwise. I"m not sure if it's good or not to know that.

Anyway, just a snipped from half a day of my life. It is like a sprint every morning to the end. I'm looking forward to the long weekend even if it is a different kind of work.

Just pondering how funny life can be and happy things are working out the way they are.

An interesting read

Saw this link on a fellow bloggers page and found it very interesting. It validated a lot of what I have heard and how I feel about the matter.

Donor conceived children speak about their feelings

http://www.dcnetwork.org/

Click on the pdf file in the left hand column

Video Rama

Worry, Worry, Worry

I'm having trouble keeping the worry bugs at bay this morning. Up to feed R and now can't go back to much needed sleep. Worry about that there is too much to do an not enough time to do it. Worry about work on several fronts. It is busy now and no extra time to get done "non-work" stuff and often I'm working a bit after the kids are in bed. Worry about finances and how I'm going to pay for all this stuff that needs to get paid for when I don't have the cash at hand right now. Worry about the friends I don't have the time or energy to reach out to let alone call or email back. Normally, I can compartmentalize, but that's not working this early morning. As I told someone at work yesterday, I feel like a hamster on a wheel that gets on early each morning and just runs to the end of each day and gets off and collapses asleep until woken and then starts the whole thing all over again. It's all about kids and work right now and that's the way it needs to be, but there is a whole lot of other things piling up on the to do list that is getting so big that it is scary and it is all important stuff not getting done. Good thing I love this mom gig so much and do like the actual work that I'm doing right now or life might be miserable instead of just intense, focused, and busy, busy, busy. Worry, worry, go away, don't even come back another day...you are not useful, nor the added stress you bring.

Still

Sometimes, like this morning, I am shocked at how the twins preemie birth can affect me. One of Max's classmates had a brother this week and they were posting a sign when I did drop off this morning with a picture of him with his sisters with beaming smiles. While a little early, you could tell that he was good size, healthy and home. I almost couldn't look. Yes, I am happy for them. He was very wanted and will be very loved and he was needed to make their family complete like the twins were needed to make my family complete. This isn't about them, but about me.

It can make me sad when I hear people talk about the end of their pregnancy or giving a relatively normal uncomplicated birth that doesn't involve extra hospital time let along 3 months of hospital time. When it isn't making me sad, it makes me angry. Angry that I didn't get to experience those things myself like I wanted. Angry because I lost a summer to the hospital. Angry because of all the health issues that resulted. Angry because I was never able to properly establish even occasional breastfeeding directly from the tap for N. When I think too much about it, I feel jipped..robbed...a loss of a dream, a desire, the way it should have been.

Yes, I am grateful that I got "the dream" with Max, but I'm greedy and I wanted it again.

I rarely think about these things. There is too much to do and to appreciate and be grateful. But, every now and again, I can still go back there to that sad and angry place like this morning with a new born baby picture. Good thing I'm still so sure that I made the right decision to reduce or that the twins would not have made it at all and that the dream and desire that I occasionally get sad and angry about would be a much bigger one that I'm sure I would not be as good at dealing with because at least this way, I got the prize. Good thing I'm so sure that we needed that experience for some yet unknown reason...or maybe that's just a story I need to tell myself.

Stating the obvious

Life is usually a lot easier and less stressful when there is less to do.

Appointments for the twins has not been as plentiful over the last few months.

This means I am in the office more.

This means I have to work less "overtime" at night when the kids are in bed/sleeping.

Work is busy, but not crazy busy in great part because I am not off not working during working hours.

It has been nice.

I'm still busy. In fact, I have company and am getting more company. Company is nice. Makes things crowed and a bit, off, but over all nice.

I'm still behind on so many, many things. But, things are mostly routine.

Mostly, like we've also been on a healthy stretch for a week or two now and that has been nice. However, N seems to have a bit of a stomach upset. In that she spit up a bit last night. Vomited her breakfast and is refusing all food and drink. Do not believe this is swine related. Neither does nurse at peds.

Anyway, just seems like while alot, there has been a lot less. It's nice.

The honest truth

I've thought about writing this post for awhile now, but wasn't sure that I had the energy or could explain myself like I would want. The honest truth is that I really didn't want a daughter. Well, in the very, very beginning when Max was still in womb and Audry Elizabeth I did. In the beginning, I was fine with either gender, I just wanted a baby, damn it! But, I could only see myself with a girl. When I found out, at about 30 weeks that she was really a he, I laughed and laughed and was fine and never looked back. Once Max was here, I realized that I was a pretty good mom for boys and really wanted him to have a sibling, especially a brother.

Once I was pregnant with the twins, if I were completely honest, my first choice would have been b/b, second b/g, and third g/g. It's not that I didn't want a girl, per se. Heck, after all the struggles to get where I wanted to be the saying beggars can't be choosers and I would have been happy with more. But, given my druthers, if "I" were in charge, I would have chosen 3 boys. Now, I have several, several friends that have all boys and b/b twins and some of which really, really, really wanted a girl. And, that's not what the cards dealt them and we haven't talked about it recently, but I think they are mostly at peace with their all boy family. But, once I had Max, I couldn't see myself with a daughter.

Then, when N was in the hospital for so long and was so sick and turned a shade of blue that no parent should ever see their child turn and I wasn't sure she would make it and got the twins on the fast track to a hospital baptism, I felt a tad guilty. Like maybe if I had wanted her more, none of that would have happened to her. Now, I know that wasn't logical and I really try not to think about last summer much. I have compartmentalized it away in the back of my mind for some time way in the future when it doesn't make me sad and anxious when I can come to terms when it isn't so real when I don't have a physical stress reaction just by casual thoughts even to the extent I'm just talking and thinking about it now.

For at least the first 6 months, N was a PITA. A constant source of worry and fret and she just needed so much. She would just loose it and scream her head of for no reason. She has more specialist than one can almost count that need to be followed up with on a regular basis. She is currently receiving 2 hours a week of home therapy (early intervention and physical therapy) and we are going to be adding in occupational therapy next month (reminds me, need to follow up on that). She was high maintenance if there ever was high maintenance. The issue isn't about love. I could not love her more, nor at this point picture my life without her.

I know without a doubt, that I have the family and children I was meant to have and have such a rocky start needed to be a part of the story, although I don't really know why yet. I just know with a peace and certainty that is odd really that I am where I was meant to be with a family and children I was meant to have.

This isn't about whether or not she will have any diabilities or learning imparements or "normal", whatever that means. Although she is delayed, I and "the team" (docs and therapists) actually think that ultimatly she will be fine, but one doesn't really know and that isn't something I really worry or think about or care about and that's not what I'm talking about.

Somewhere over the last four or so months, she's been changing. I think part of it is just her maturing, her starting to feel better once the shunt was in and started working, and once she started outgrowing her dose of phenobarbatal and the doctor agreed with my recommendation to not increase her dosage. It's like she's been blosoming and coming into her own. She is just beautiful inside and out. She is such a pleasure to be around and is funny. She notices when I walk through a room and just cries and cries if she isn't acknowleged or only in passing and I can't stop and play (like I'm working, but need to go out into the living room to get the breast pump and get back and set up so I can make my next meeting while I pump and hope they can't hear it over the phone). She plays with toys as they are intended to be played with. I'm not worried about her phyical saftey at every turn because she has to do some dangerous feat, just because like her brothers. She is beyond slow to warm with strangers. Your new and you come near her and she will scream her head off and make it perfectly clear that you need to back off. NOW!!! She is not subtle and there is no missing her messages and cues. You bring the spoon to her mouth and she opens it in advance and willingly until she is done, then clamps it shut refusing to open as she shakes her head as in what part of NO do you not understand.

She is just so different than her brothers. I think in part because she is a girl and in part just because of her own inate personality.

Often, I think that Max is more bonded with N than with R. He calls her his princess and his beautiful girl and gives her hugs and kisses and makes her laugh and laugh like no one else. Granted, he also will pull her hair or climb over her just because R did and I told him to stop and I'm not really sure what that is all about since it has just started happening so it's not all sunshine and roses between them, but they do have a special draw and bond with each other that I would have never ever imagined.

All this to say, and at this point, I think of that country song about unanswered prayers, that sometimes you don't know what really will be best for you and your family even if you think you do. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. It will be very interesting to see the sibling dynamics as the children grow, but I'm happy that Max and N seem to have their own special connection, and N/R have the twin thing and Max/R have the boy thing. And, I think it has all worked out just fine and to repeat myself, just like it was meant to be.


PS. This is post 1005 for me. Hard to believe.

Multiplying

Is it just my house where the paper work and toys seem to multiply by themselves over night and the dishes and laundry during the day? I know people say you are to spend time with the kids over the house work, but my word...if I don't do dishes at least 2 or 3 times a day there are no clean bottles, pump supplies, or sink and counter space left, especially if I could even the most basic of meals. And, if you don't do laundry one day a child can get lost in the mountain of clothes that builds up. The junk and clutter that comes with the territory of several small kids in a house drives me crazy, but I remind myself that the time will come all too fast where it will be neat as can be and all too empty. My standards have become much lower with the twins that it is almost scary although between Neomi and I, we are almost constantly picking up, cleaning, and washing just to maintain. I have to be pretty darn exhausted and/or sick not to do a pick up at night after the kids are in bed so we can start the day as organized as possible. I'll take the controlled chaos even if I'm pretty sure that there must be a gremlin or body double for each kids that adds to the mess as soon as we turn our head of if you sit for 5 minutes.

Mischovous little imp

Baby jail has been up for not quite a week yet. R has already figured out the escape route (the place I left open on one side to make it easier to get in and out so we don't have to step over...as an aside, my biggest complaint with baby jail is that it doesn't have a gate) and will crawl over and stop to make sure you are looking and see him and then give the biggest impish smile like...ha ha, you don't want me to do this, huh? Oh, I can see my future and that kid is going to be trouble with a smile.

Bumps and Bruises

We have entered the bumps and bruises phase. The one where you wonder if people suspect you of child abuse....ah, the bruise on R's cheek...he fell. The red mark on N's forehead...R ran into her with the tractor...really. Yesterday, it was the crib tents. Today, it was baby jail. Doesn't stop R from trying to climb over his sister or use her for leverage...which for the record, she does NOT appreciate...but, it does make things a bit more safe. Trying to keep R away from Max's stuff was getting a bit much and there are so many small parts and pieces and you can only do so much. So, baby jail is now here.

It was time

Crib tents went up today. R is standing like a pro and cruising. He is a bit scary actually. Good thing I've been there before with Max and we both survived through to another phase. I'm going to have to invest in baby leashes soon. Max isn't so thrilled with sharing his train table. He was given the choice to keep it in the living room and let R play with it or move it to his bedroom. He wants to keep it in the living room, BUT doesn't want R to touch it. Should get interesting soon. He told R today that he was frustrating him and that he was angry because he wouldn't stop touching his stuff. I guess I need to pull out siblings without rivalry and actually read it soon.

I've been on vacation this week as Max had a week off from school and it is easier for us both for me to not have to work when he is home. We've had fun. I think he is ready to go back to school, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work. It has been nice to be off and get a few things done that have been on the list.



Today was a nice warm day. Max wanted to swim, but the water is too cold so we compromised and filled the small tub up with warm water. Everyone had a wonderful time even if Max did splash and dump water on the twins heads.

10 Months

Oh me, oh my....where has the time gone? The twins are 10 months now. R is combat crawling and pulling himself to a stand. The kid is a bit of a menace. N is just beautiful and talking up a storm. Max is mostly doing great except for the potty mouth, and walking down the street by himself this morning while we were loading the car, and pulling down his drawers to pee on the grass today at the zoo. Ah, I think (and hope and pray) just a typical energetic smart 3.5 year old. He loves being a big brother. It was his idea to have matching outfits with his brother and he picked them out himself with his Nana. I can't tell you how busy and tired I am. I've thought about doing a day in the life post, but too much happens in a day so I can't remember and don't have the time.

Easter 2009

Twins first Zoo Outing

Home after the Zoo, Finally able to crawl and move.

Note that look on N's face. Like, what Mom, you don't see this? Am I a floor mat? I think not!



Three things from this weekend that still have me laughing.....

1) About 4 or 5 pm on Saturday, my mom looks over to me and says "I feel very useful. I'm not sure how you'd do it without my help." To which I replied, that a lot less would get done and there would be a lot more crying.

2) Sunday morning we are on our way to church and my mom leaves a message for someone saying "It's 7:30, we're going to 7:15 mass". Hey, I'm convinced that God is glad we actually made it. He knows how hard it is to pack it all up and head out. Often if feels like moving a small army. I did it two days in a row. Have I mentioned I'm tired? I'm only still going because my blood is now sugar water. The Easter Bunny did a good job of not OD'ing on candy and getting toys and other such stuff. However, Aunt Kris sent home her "left overs" causing the need to make up for sleep with candy, candy, and more candy. Egads, I've started bagging it to store away. It must go soon.

3) This picture.....


ps. I tried to post pictures last night, but it took forever to load, then I got booted out and would have had to start over and I just didn't have it in me. Sleep called.

Useful

Somewhere around 4 or 5 pm tonight, my mom comments to me that she sure does feel useful and she's not sure how I would do it if she didn't come on Saturday's to help. She sure has been helpful and useful and I couldn't get done what I did today without her help. I was tired this morning. I'm beyond tired, but almost everything is done that needs to be.

Happy Easter to all and to all a good night!

Whew!

Feeling much less pressure now that the Easter Bunny has all the supplies needed hidden in the house for basket assembly. Yes, taxes are still sitting out there and I'm even more behind at work, but at least it is one less (big) thing to be done. And, yes, the Easter Bunny went a tad overboard, not really with candy, but with toys and books and a cute cow umbrella for Max which I just know he will love.

Get on up

I can't tell you how hard it has been to drag myself out of bed lately. Once I'm up and going, I'm usually okay for the duration of the day, but getting up....it's been hard and it's been a bit late, which makes the rush to first meeting...7 am tough.

On Diaper Rashes

N was going into 5 days of her first diaper rash when we had her 9 month ped appointment last week. After trying many different things, it was getting worse not better. I mentioned it to the doc and he recommended getting some monistat and putting that on first then some desitin on top because it looked fungal related. I have to tell you that guy knows what he is talking about. It has whipped this rash into shape. Now, how he knew this and how one gets a fungal rash I have yet to find out or research as it hasn't made it high enough up on the priority list, but it is something I wondered about. R has yet to get a rash of any kind. Max still tends to get random rashes here and there, but really only had a few mild ones as a baby and desitn was the worst thing for them. His skin preferred Burt's Butt Paste so we used the for him. For the most part, before this N diaper rash, we've been using A and E with the twins because I couldn't find Burt's one day so got that as a stop gap and the nanny likes it better since it is clear and seemed to be working so I could really care less as long as it's effective. So, there you have it. So happy it has cleared up so now she is only dealing with a cold. Attitide wise, she hasn't seemed to mind the rash or the cold, buggers, snot thing she has going on except right at bed time. Ah, the joys and glamour of parent hood.

Bah Humbug

Back into the house of germs we go. That's what I get for even thinking the other day that we were on a nice healthy streak and hadn't needed the bulb suction in quite awhile. Max is coughing...a lot with some buggers. N is looks just miserable with her runny and stuffy bugger face and wasn't acting like she was feeling too well. R has picked up a wheeze the other day and I've had Noemi increase the breathing treatments, but he had what sounded like a group cough right as he fell asleep, but at least for now seems like the healthiest of the lot. Oh joy. I'm pumping so I can go to bed earl because tonight has all the potential to be a long, bad one. Blah!

In other good news, even sick (or maybe because he wasn't feeling well) we had a much improved dental visit for Max today. He told me on the way that he was going to be a good listener. And, he was. I didn't get one I don't want to go, I don't like the dentist. There was no screaming, crying, having to hold him down. They were able to even get his first x-rays. So, so much nicer when your kid isn't screaming the entire time. For everyone. We improved from a "fair" to a "good". I challenged Max to see if we can get an "excellent" in 6 months, which insidently I signed up the twins to join us for their first visit.

Now, if you will all join me in a community meditation for improved health and not too miserable of a night/go round with this latest germ fest we have going on.

The construction project

Because I'm so proud of it and because the kids had such a good time and the teachers were so impressed they asked for details and are going to do it again, I'd thought I'd talk about the construction project we did in Max's preschool this month. I don't have any pictures as I was leading the effort and actively involved, but the teachers did and I hope to get copies at the end of the year.

Station 1 - I bought some peg board (has holes) and bought a few all purpose screws and bolts that I cut into smaller squares with a jg saw. Each child had a chance to screw bolts through the holes with either large or small or both screws/bolts. They loved it, especially the girls.

Station 2 - Got some small pieces of wood, precut and some nails. Brought in a few hammers. Used the extra peg board to protect the tables and each child was allowed to "build" something. The loved it, especially the boys. Next time, I'd get either smaller longer nails or bigger wood as it started to split in a few cases.

Station 3 - Got some PVC of two different sizes that I cut up into smaller varing lengths and had different types of joints for each size and the kids could use it to build.

Then, there was the unoffical station 4 of the work bench with the toy version of everything that I fixed and brought back.

In addition, I brought in various screw drivers, wrenches, and a tape measure for the kids to touch and use and hold. They were a big hit, especially the tape measurer. We could have used another 1 or 2 of those.

Fun, easy, stuff. A little bit of prep work, but worth it. They loved being able to touch and use real tools.

"My Daddy" - Edited

If I hear, my daddy told me that or my daddy said I could or some such comment from Max again, I think I'll scream. Okay, just kidding on the screaming thing, it doesn't really annoy me, but he has been on this daddy kick lately. Insisting that he does too have a daddy and he's at work or at his house or going to come visit or whatever. And, he's REAL not PRETEND. At first, I was a bit concerned and tried to correct him getting the push back that he is real and how dare I say otherwise. Concerned enough that I thought about talking to someone who specializes in early childhood development. I know that he knows that it isn't true. In fact, when in his classroom setting up for the construction project, I heard him tell someone that he doesn't have a daddy. I still might try to run it past someone if I get a chance, but realized that he has two pretend friends as well that I've always gone with the flow with and probably should just do the same thing with the pretend daddy. So, that is what I have been doing. It's amazing what this daddy of his says and lets him do. Most of the time he is an ambulance driver. Sometimes he is a fire fighter. Sometimes, I'm the daddy (but, not often anymore). Sometimes, he's the daddy. When playing with his "people", he assigns various roles to them such as mommy, daddy, brother, sister, engineer, conductor, garbage man, etc. I'm sure that he hears the kids at school talking about their daddy and wants to talk about "his daddy". I hope he doesn't feel like he is missing out too much by not having one. I've almost convinced myself that this is age appropriate "playing house" stuff and hope I'm handling it the best way possible for him by going along and pretending with him like I do his imaginary friends. If I get some time, maybe I'll try to research it out or follow up with someone to be sure. I don't want to make it controversial by continuing to tell him he doesn't, because he was pushing back very strongly. So, I"m going to let him pretend for now and see where it goes. However, anyone listening who didn't know the story really would think he had a daddy the way conversations have gone lately.

ETA: I had a chance to talk to the director of the preschool today who is an expert in early childhood development about the whole daddy thing. It was an interesting conversation about pretend vs. real, alive vs. dead, and figuring things out. Totally age appropriate as I expected and agreed with how I'm handling it, but will also start to add in more about distinguishing about pretend vs. real and realizing that the push back on saying the daddy is pretend may actually because he "wishes" it to be true and angry that it isn't. She also suggested that I start asking him what makes something alive, why is that real or pretend, etc. And, we had a good laugh at how helpful it was (NOT) that I responded to Max's question about what makes things alive is that they need/breath oxygen (like that really helped clarify it for him :). Keep on allowing him to feel what he feels about the situation and acknowledging those feelings. She also said something that I hadn't thought about, but really resonated. She asked me how I felt with him asking the questions to which, I'm fine. It was my decision and that I just hoped that in time he didn't feel too much of a loss as a result to which she replied, that parents make decision that affect their kids all the time (divorce, have another child, to move, etc). I had never thought of it in terms of that before, but true. So, just keep on keeping on helping him to figure things out and allowing him to feel what he feels. Glad I asked.

The Stats

Working my way through stacks and stacks of paperwork. Making progress. Taking a short break. Found the measurements for the twins the last few months. The got weighed each month to calculate the synergis dosage. Yeah for the end of the monthly visits and the almost $200 in expense each month for those shots although they basically did their job and kept us out of the hospital (except for that November visit for Ray which liekly would have been worse without the shot and it was bad enough as it was).

...........Jan............... Feb...................Mar
R........15lbs 6 oz... 15 lbs 15 oz.... 17 lbs 4 oz

N....... 16 lbs........... 17 lbs 3 oz......18 lbs 4 oz

In March, R's weight was 5% unadjusted and 30 adjusted. He was 26 3/4 in. tall with a head circumferance of 17 1/2.

In March, N's weight was 27% unadjusted and 75% adhysted, She was 26 5/8 in tall with a head circumferance of 16 5/8.

More or Less

When I found out I was pregnant with multiples, I was a bit freaked out. For many reasons. Money being a big one. I know several people who have an older child and then went on to have twins as a single mom by choice. They all have/had live in help and needed every minute of it, plus it tends to be cheaper. I looked into moving or adding on to the house and decided I couldn't tackle either while pregnant (and feeling so darn miserable) and that in the long run it would actually be more expensive to either move/build on than have a live out with longer hours. I ran the numbers and financially it would be tight, but doable to have someone from 7 - 7 and I had a back up plans A and B if money started getting tighter than planned.

Fast forward and the economy is in the toilet and a scenario that I hadn't planned on was to actually make less money and not wanting to touch plans A or B because of the poor economy. All this to say, that after being pissed off and angry and running through a few situations and weighing everything I needed to weight, I ended up cutting Noemi's hours during the hardest time of day for me....dinner and bed evening hours....and she is now leaving at 5:30 pm instead of 7. I have to have her still come at 7 because I have work meetings starting at 7 am at least 3 if not more days of the week.

And, the weekend Sunday sitter I have been using from 4 - 7 after going solo all weekend has canceled the last two weekends.

I keep telling myself that less is more. More time for me to spend quality hands on time with all of the kids. I remind myself that many a women through the ages have done it and survived and their kids survived and they lived to tell the tale. One of my moms closest friends had twins and was a stay at home mom with and older child (two actually I think) and then had twins with a husband that was off working and not around. Several moms in the parenting class I took or that I have met (in an acquaintance sort of way) do it as well. Granted, they are married and not attempting to work full time so not exactly the same, but I remind myself that it can be done. Be strong. Enjoy the time. Bond as a family. Work it out.

And, that's what I have been doing. Working it out. Enjoying it is probably too strong a sentiment, but mostly it is going better than I thought. Mostly being when Max doesn't jump off the chair onto his two siblings while I am getting their dinner ready and other such behavior. It can get a bit much sometimes, but I've got a pretty good schedule going for the most part and it is working out. It's hard and harder on the nights that I have to work a few more hours after the kids are all in bed. I feel like I'm constantly tired and behind on all but the most essential and critical things. I wake up tired and remind myself that this time goes by so fast and to not wish it away. And, I'm busy and tired.

All and all things are going well. Last week was an especially busy and difficult week schedule wise, but good overall. N had a CT scan and follow up with the neurosurgeon. She's doing great and doesn't have to go back for 9 months, when she is 18 months. The twins had their 9 month peds appointment and are growing nicely. I have theirs stats someplace in some stack of paper that needs to get gone through instead of shuffled around. Lastly, the twins had their high risk follow up at the NICU/hospital they were born. The OT who did the eval said they are doing terrific and if they weren't already receiving services, she's not sure she would recommend it, but she will recommend to continue as is. As I said, all and all, things are going well. I find it hard to believe my little ones are already in size 4 diapers and will turn one in less than 3 months. They had steak and potatoes for the first time last night (pureed, of course) and loved it.

The change in evening routine has the twins going to bed a bit earlier than they were which affects the morning routine as well since they are then getting up a bit earlier in the morning. I'm not so much getting up earlier than I was most of the time, but I just have less alone time and gone are the mornings of pumping in peace. Ah well, this two (too?) shall pass. But, I'm bone tired weary at the end of the day. No regrets. Overall, I'm still sure it was the best decision I ever made and I love them, my family and my life even if the grind can get a bit tedious* and busy** at times.

* Today, while the twins napped, I played "cars" with Max. For an hour. It was like torture to me, but I sucked it up and did it and faked the fun. There were so many other things I would rather have been doing, but I hadn't sat down and played with him in awhile. I had to "self talk" a few times to keep into it and go with the flow. I've never been so happy to have a baby wake up from a nap so as to have a legitimate excuse to stop. Most of his toys or things he wants to play aren't nearly as tedious for me like building houses with blocks or playing train and such, but cars I'm just not into. It reminded me of when he was barely walking and we would go around the block and he'd spend a mind numbing amount of time touching and feeling and admiring cars and it was all I could do to not pick him up or rush him along. And, a few hours later when he came up to me and gave me stickers for playing cars so nicely with him and following the rules, I was oh so happy that I had.

** I've been getting into Max's classroom once a month for a few hours. So far, I've made cookies with them twice (Christmas cut out's and gingerbread), did a sand art project, read a Thanksgiving book, held a concert, and this month did a construction project. Max and I (and his teachers) all love it, but I am especially tired after wards. Two things made me laugh recently about this. One was that the teachers had a workbench that kept falling apart and when I talked to them about doing the construction project idea wondered if i wanted to take it home and fix it for them, which I did. Single mom of preemie twins. Like, what is the matter with all those fathers? And, the teachers take pictures and post them for various things and did two boards last week of pictures from the concert and the construction projects. They really do capture how much fun we had. As I was rushing through on Thursday dropping Max off and trying not to be late with the twins for their high risk follow up appointment one of the moms commented about how nice it was that I had time for that sort of thing. Ah, no, I don't have the time, I MAKE the time because I think it is important. And fun.

9 months

Hard to believe the twins are nine months old today. Here are some pics and a short video (the one where Max is least obnoxious) from this weekend.







In other news, I still hate time changes. The last few nights have been brutal. Last night, all three of them were up at some point. Max for several hours. Ugh! N almost never wakes up and if she does is easily soothed and back to sleep. R must be in a growth spurt and/or is so active he needs more calories and is waking at least once or twice to eat, then goes back. Max, well, same ole' same ole. He gets me up the most by far. And, again, time changes are just awful for a week or so. Can't wait until everyone has adjusted.

The twins have been sick. Only a few more days of antibiotics. They still have a cough. R, worse than N. Breathing treatments continue.

The power cord on my laptop is basically shot. If you adjust it just so and hold it and make sure no one bumps it, it will work about 50% of the time. I'm taking that as a sign I need less computer time and actually read a book. That was nice.

The last day of the parenting class I'm taking ends tomorrow. It was/is hard to fit that in with everything else, but I'm glad I did.

Double that

Double ear infections, double eye infections...times two. No fever. Just eye goobers. Good thing I took them in today before things got too out of hand. Yes, we were just there mere days ago for synergis shots. That Nora, she's a smart one for her age and has a long memory. She wasn't thrilled last Thursday...crying down the roof when we were put into the room. Then, she got the shots she didn't want. She was less than thrilled to be back so soon, shots or no shots today. Max went along for the ride and the treat (let's call it what it is, bribe for good behavior) and because I likely wouldn't be back in time to get him from school. The ped gave extra refills on the eye drops for when Max, Noemi, and I get it. She said half her day was spend diagnosing it and writing Rx's for it.

In Color

A warm, sunny, March 1st

Life Happens

All is reasonably well in my world. Just busy. Company came for a visit. Broken dryer here. Doctor appointment there. Going to Max's classroom to have a "concert". Working hard and long, but at least I like it. Usually starting at 7 am and wrapping up a few hours after the children are asleep with breaks in between to run Max to school, a few hours in the afternoon to pick him up, dinner, and get through the bed time routine. I'm carving out time to enjoy the family and the occasional dinner out with the girls or visit with a friend, but it is all busy. Friends calls and emails sit and wait because there just isn't enough time. I feel too guilty to spend time blogging when there are other important tasks not getting done. We've had a nice run of 10 - 14 or so days with no coughs, snot, or buggers around here, but that's coming to an end with all three of them starting yesterday so that means more breathing treatments for the twins which aren't hard (other than the screaming and fussing and fighting they do), but just takes time. There is just one of me and about a million and five things that need to get done at any time so somethings have to give.