Monday, April 27, 2009

The honest truth

I've thought about writing this post for awhile now, but wasn't sure that I had the energy or could explain myself like I would want. The honest truth is that I really didn't want a daughter. Well, in the very, very beginning when Max was still in womb and Audry Elizabeth I did. In the beginning, I was fine with either gender, I just wanted a baby, damn it! But, I could only see myself with a girl. When I found out, at about 30 weeks that she was really a he, I laughed and laughed and was fine and never looked back. Once Max was here, I realized that I was a pretty good mom for boys and really wanted him to have a sibling, especially a brother.

Once I was pregnant with the twins, if I were completely honest, my first choice would have been b/b, second b/g, and third g/g. It's not that I didn't want a girl, per se. Heck, after all the struggles to get where I wanted to be the saying beggars can't be choosers and I would have been happy with more. But, given my druthers, if "I" were in charge, I would have chosen 3 boys. Now, I have several, several friends that have all boys and b/b twins and some of which really, really, really wanted a girl. And, that's not what the cards dealt them and we haven't talked about it recently, but I think they are mostly at peace with their all boy family. But, once I had Max, I couldn't see myself with a daughter.

Then, when N was in the hospital for so long and was so sick and turned a shade of blue that no parent should ever see their child turn and I wasn't sure she would make it and got the twins on the fast track to a hospital baptism, I felt a tad guilty. Like maybe if I had wanted her more, none of that would have happened to her. Now, I know that wasn't logical and I really try not to think about last summer much. I have compartmentalized it away in the back of my mind for some time way in the future when it doesn't make me sad and anxious when I can come to terms when it isn't so real when I don't have a physical stress reaction just by casual thoughts even to the extent I'm just talking and thinking about it now.

For at least the first 6 months, N was a PITA. A constant source of worry and fret and she just needed so much. She would just loose it and scream her head of for no reason. She has more specialist than one can almost count that need to be followed up with on a regular basis. She is currently receiving 2 hours a week of home therapy (early intervention and physical therapy) and we are going to be adding in occupational therapy next month (reminds me, need to follow up on that). She was high maintenance if there ever was high maintenance. The issue isn't about love. I could not love her more, nor at this point picture my life without her.

I know without a doubt, that I have the family and children I was meant to have and have such a rocky start needed to be a part of the story, although I don't really know why yet. I just know with a peace and certainty that is odd really that I am where I was meant to be with a family and children I was meant to have.

This isn't about whether or not she will have any diabilities or learning imparements or "normal", whatever that means. Although she is delayed, I and "the team" (docs and therapists) actually think that ultimatly she will be fine, but one doesn't really know and that isn't something I really worry or think about or care about and that's not what I'm talking about.

Somewhere over the last four or so months, she's been changing. I think part of it is just her maturing, her starting to feel better once the shunt was in and started working, and once she started outgrowing her dose of phenobarbatal and the doctor agreed with my recommendation to not increase her dosage. It's like she's been blosoming and coming into her own. She is just beautiful inside and out. She is such a pleasure to be around and is funny. She notices when I walk through a room and just cries and cries if she isn't acknowleged or only in passing and I can't stop and play (like I'm working, but need to go out into the living room to get the breast pump and get back and set up so I can make my next meeting while I pump and hope they can't hear it over the phone). She plays with toys as they are intended to be played with. I'm not worried about her phyical saftey at every turn because she has to do some dangerous feat, just because like her brothers. She is beyond slow to warm with strangers. Your new and you come near her and she will scream her head off and make it perfectly clear that you need to back off. NOW!!! She is not subtle and there is no missing her messages and cues. You bring the spoon to her mouth and she opens it in advance and willingly until she is done, then clamps it shut refusing to open as she shakes her head as in what part of NO do you not understand.

She is just so different than her brothers. I think in part because she is a girl and in part just because of her own inate personality.

Often, I think that Max is more bonded with N than with R. He calls her his princess and his beautiful girl and gives her hugs and kisses and makes her laugh and laugh like no one else. Granted, he also will pull her hair or climb over her just because R did and I told him to stop and I'm not really sure what that is all about since it has just started happening so it's not all sunshine and roses between them, but they do have a special draw and bond with each other that I would have never ever imagined.

All this to say, and at this point, I think of that country song about unanswered prayers, that sometimes you don't know what really will be best for you and your family even if you think you do. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. It will be very interesting to see the sibling dynamics as the children grow, but I'm happy that Max and N seem to have their own special connection, and N/R have the twin thing and Max/R have the boy thing. And, I think it has all worked out just fine and to repeat myself, just like it was meant to be.

PS. This is post 1005 for me. Hard to believe.


Anonymous said...

I was really hoping for G/G twins after my son was born or at least b/g twins, but I got b/b twins. Now I think this is best for me. I don't think I'd do so well with teenage girls. I agree that we all end up with the family we are supposed to have! nancy in ak

Alex said...

You have a beautiful family and its obvious how hard you've worked for them and how much you love them :) You are all very blessed.

Joanna said...

Thanks for this Deb, it was very moving to read. I too think of the "Unanswered Prayers" song (Garth Brooks for anyone who is interested :)).

And I agree, whether it is a rationalisation or fate, we all feel we have the family we were meant to have.

Nora sounds like a great character :).