Still

Sometimes, like this morning, I am shocked at how the twins preemie birth can affect me. One of Max's classmates had a brother this week and they were posting a sign when I did drop off this morning with a picture of him with his sisters with beaming smiles. While a little early, you could tell that he was good size, healthy and home. I almost couldn't look. Yes, I am happy for them. He was very wanted and will be very loved and he was needed to make their family complete like the twins were needed to make my family complete. This isn't about them, but about me.

It can make me sad when I hear people talk about the end of their pregnancy or giving a relatively normal uncomplicated birth that doesn't involve extra hospital time let along 3 months of hospital time. When it isn't making me sad, it makes me angry. Angry that I didn't get to experience those things myself like I wanted. Angry because I lost a summer to the hospital. Angry because of all the health issues that resulted. Angry because I was never able to properly establish even occasional breastfeeding directly from the tap for N. When I think too much about it, I feel jipped..robbed...a loss of a dream, a desire, the way it should have been.

Yes, I am grateful that I got "the dream" with Max, but I'm greedy and I wanted it again.

I rarely think about these things. There is too much to do and to appreciate and be grateful. But, every now and again, I can still go back there to that sad and angry place like this morning with a new born baby picture. Good thing I'm still so sure that I made the right decision to reduce or that the twins would not have made it at all and that the dream and desire that I occasionally get sad and angry about would be a much bigger one that I'm sure I would not be as good at dealing with because at least this way, I got the prize. Good thing I'm so sure that we needed that experience for some yet unknown reason...or maybe that's just a story I need to tell myself.