Sunday, March 29, 2009

More or Less

When I found out I was pregnant with multiples, I was a bit freaked out. For many reasons. Money being a big one. I know several people who have an older child and then went on to have twins as a single mom by choice. They all have/had live in help and needed every minute of it, plus it tends to be cheaper. I looked into moving or adding on to the house and decided I couldn't tackle either while pregnant (and feeling so darn miserable) and that in the long run it would actually be more expensive to either move/build on than have a live out with longer hours. I ran the numbers and financially it would be tight, but doable to have someone from 7 - 7 and I had a back up plans A and B if money started getting tighter than planned.

Fast forward and the economy is in the toilet and a scenario that I hadn't planned on was to actually make less money and not wanting to touch plans A or B because of the poor economy. All this to say, that after being pissed off and angry and running through a few situations and weighing everything I needed to weight, I ended up cutting Noemi's hours during the hardest time of day for me....dinner and bed evening hours....and she is now leaving at 5:30 pm instead of 7. I have to have her still come at 7 because I have work meetings starting at 7 am at least 3 if not more days of the week.

And, the weekend Sunday sitter I have been using from 4 - 7 after going solo all weekend has canceled the last two weekends.

I keep telling myself that less is more. More time for me to spend quality hands on time with all of the kids. I remind myself that many a women through the ages have done it and survived and their kids survived and they lived to tell the tale. One of my moms closest friends had twins and was a stay at home mom with and older child (two actually I think) and then had twins with a husband that was off working and not around. Several moms in the parenting class I took or that I have met (in an acquaintance sort of way) do it as well. Granted, they are married and not attempting to work full time so not exactly the same, but I remind myself that it can be done. Be strong. Enjoy the time. Bond as a family. Work it out.

And, that's what I have been doing. Working it out. Enjoying it is probably too strong a sentiment, but mostly it is going better than I thought. Mostly being when Max doesn't jump off the chair onto his two siblings while I am getting their dinner ready and other such behavior. It can get a bit much sometimes, but I've got a pretty good schedule going for the most part and it is working out. It's hard and harder on the nights that I have to work a few more hours after the kids are all in bed. I feel like I'm constantly tired and behind on all but the most essential and critical things. I wake up tired and remind myself that this time goes by so fast and to not wish it away. And, I'm busy and tired.

All and all things are going well. Last week was an especially busy and difficult week schedule wise, but good overall. N had a CT scan and follow up with the neurosurgeon. She's doing great and doesn't have to go back for 9 months, when she is 18 months. The twins had their 9 month peds appointment and are growing nicely. I have theirs stats someplace in some stack of paper that needs to get gone through instead of shuffled around. Lastly, the twins had their high risk follow up at the NICU/hospital they were born. The OT who did the eval said they are doing terrific and if they weren't already receiving services, she's not sure she would recommend it, but she will recommend to continue as is. As I said, all and all, things are going well. I find it hard to believe my little ones are already in size 4 diapers and will turn one in less than 3 months. They had steak and potatoes for the first time last night (pureed, of course) and loved it.

The change in evening routine has the twins going to bed a bit earlier than they were which affects the morning routine as well since they are then getting up a bit earlier in the morning. I'm not so much getting up earlier than I was most of the time, but I just have less alone time and gone are the mornings of pumping in peace. Ah well, this two (too?) shall pass. But, I'm bone tired weary at the end of the day. No regrets. Overall, I'm still sure it was the best decision I ever made and I love them, my family and my life even if the grind can get a bit tedious* and busy** at times.

* Today, while the twins napped, I played "cars" with Max. For an hour. It was like torture to me, but I sucked it up and did it and faked the fun. There were so many other things I would rather have been doing, but I hadn't sat down and played with him in awhile. I had to "self talk" a few times to keep into it and go with the flow. I've never been so happy to have a baby wake up from a nap so as to have a legitimate excuse to stop. Most of his toys or things he wants to play aren't nearly as tedious for me like building houses with blocks or playing train and such, but cars I'm just not into. It reminded me of when he was barely walking and we would go around the block and he'd spend a mind numbing amount of time touching and feeling and admiring cars and it was all I could do to not pick him up or rush him along. And, a few hours later when he came up to me and gave me stickers for playing cars so nicely with him and following the rules, I was oh so happy that I had.

** I've been getting into Max's classroom once a month for a few hours. So far, I've made cookies with them twice (Christmas cut out's and gingerbread), did a sand art project, read a Thanksgiving book, held a concert, and this month did a construction project. Max and I (and his teachers) all love it, but I am especially tired after wards. Two things made me laugh recently about this. One was that the teachers had a workbench that kept falling apart and when I talked to them about doing the construction project idea wondered if i wanted to take it home and fix it for them, which I did. Single mom of preemie twins. Like, what is the matter with all those fathers? And, the teachers take pictures and post them for various things and did two boards last week of pictures from the concert and the construction projects. They really do capture how much fun we had. As I was rushing through on Thursday dropping Max off and trying not to be late with the twins for their high risk follow up appointment one of the moms commented about how nice it was that I had time for that sort of thing. Ah, no, I don't have the time, I MAKE the time because I think it is important. And fun.

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