Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Same ole'

I'm around, but just don't have much to say that hasn't been said before. I'm getting everything done that I need, but nothing extra. The anti nausea is helping some, but not totally. Last night was lots of nausea/vomiting on top of taking it so I can image how horrible I would have felt without it.

January is "Respect Life" month in our church. Sunday was focused on "Right to Life". I'm sure they would be sad to know that because I respect life (mine, the other children, my existing child) right or wrong, I'm going to reduce from 3 to 2. Then, I got angry because "abortion" just isn't always as black and white. Then, I've just been sad. And, this is probably a whole separate post that I actually wrote in my head, but just don't have it in me to get out right now. My friend that will be taking me to the CVS and SR next month was siting beside me during the service and asked if I wanted to leave. I stayed. Regardless of what anyone else has to say or the judgments they may place on it me trying to carry triplets to term would just be a disaster waiting to happen on so many levels. I know this in my heart and am secure of the decision itself. Yet, I hear others judging me in my head (or maybe that's me judging myself) saying that's why you shouldn't do fertility treatment and it was my decision to put back three (crappy) embryos so I get what I deserve and need to reap the consequences (by not killing off one for the benefit of the entire family). Truly, while it was a passing thought, I never really thought it was a possibility that all three would take. Based on the donor history and just plain statistical odds, it was possible, just extremely rare possibility. While I don't like either option I'm currently faced with and would likely have regrets either way, I think I will have less regrets with sacrificing one now than to have all of them die in preterm labor or have permanent development issues for the rest of their lives because of my poor decisions.

I've been angry and disappointed in the OT clinic Max is supposed to start with this week. When I met with them and interviewed them, I was told they had plenty of openings for OT on Monday and Wednesday morning. When the funding went through and I finally got a hold of them (after several phone calls and emails), I was told they at Monday at 8 am and Wednesday at 8 am or 11 am available. I told them I would take the 11 am slot for Wednesday, but was upset and disappointed and maybe I should have pushed harder for exact times, but those three slots were less than ideal and were not "plenty" in my mind. I thought about how I could make an 8 am time work, especially since Noemi doesn't start until 8:30, and decided I just can't do it right now and told them as much. I just can't make it work right now, especially, not on a Monday morning where it would just be a too stressful way for us to start the week. I got an email back saying they had to "rearrange the preschool" time since we had talked (within the last two weeks) and I could appreciate how hard it was to coordinate all of this. At the moment, I'm just feeling lied to. I guess Max will just get the OT once per week right now, while I go back to the coordinator to explain the situation/complain and then figure out if they still get funding for 2 times per week if Max is only receiving services for once or if they only get paid for sessions he attend. They said they would try to "work it out", but it has still left me irritated when I was very clear from the beginning and would have kept searching for another place had they been upfront.

So, basically, same ole same ole. Life moves on. No problems associated with stopping meds last Friday. Not a tinge of pink on the TP, although I'm wondering if I may still have that yeast infection hanging on and will ask the OB to check (since I forgot at my last RE visit) when I'm in down the road. If I'm not posting as much, not to worry, just don't have much to say that hasn't already been said. Only so many times I can stand to complain about how tired I am and how sick I'm feeling.


Laura in L.A. said...

Hi Debbie,

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, always. And I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by doing SR. No one should judge you or try to make you feel bad about it. You are a kind and moral and compassionate person, and anyone who knows you knows that.

Take good care, and I hope your meds start kicking in a little better.

Love, Laura

tripntwinmom said...

You have to do what YOU feel is best for you and your family and if SR is it, then so be it. NO ONE has the right to judge you when they cannot understand your situation because they are not in it! Believe in yourself! You are a great momma who is doing what she feels is right for her family and that is ALL that matters!

loren said...

Hello Deb:

I stumbled across your site tonight. I was having some flashbacks to the NICU, and while I don't believe in fate, I thought it was odd to find this post on such a night!

I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster you are on right now. I too am a mom to triplets. Luckily for us, our doctor never mentioned SR, so we never had to make that choice.

This is such a personal decision, and you shouldn't be judged for it. I know that this is very tough for you, but I want to invite you to check out the triplet forum www.tripletconnection.org. I'm not posting this to make things more difficult for you, even though it might, but I want to give you an opportunity to see the positive side of the coin that many doctors dealing with IF do not share. I know about all the statistics, and every woman is different. Every situation is different. There are many many success stories, and a few that were not successful.

The only reason I shared this with you is because I know a few moms who reduced down to triplets, and a few triplet moms who changed their minds once they saw their babies on the monitor - while preparing for a SR procedure.

I wish you the best of luck, no matter what you decide, and hope that you are able to bring healthy, happy babies to the world safely! Please know that I'm not trying to make you feel badly - I really am not. I just wanted you to know that my girls were born at 28 weeks - dangerously premature - and are perfectly healthy today. It can be risky... but it is very possible.

Take care