Sunday, January 13, 2008

Does the universe hate me?

Warning: Extreme negativity and bad attitude displayed in this post. Read at your own peril. You have been warned.

I have seriously wondered over the last week, especially yesterday, if the universe has turned on me and has decided to hate me. Yes, yes, I know. I'm blessed to finally be pregnant, what am I complaining about, and I should just shut the f-up. But, I have to say, that this morning sickness/fatigue of early pregnancy is really kicking my butt. And, the worse I feel, the more it seems like my normally mild mannered easy to care for son finds ways to make it worse.

There have been times over the last few days where I have felt really angry at the position I'm in and resentful at those sweet innocent little beans in their growing who did not asked to be placed in the position they have. Rightly or wrongly, I've convinced myself that if I were not carrying three, I would not be feeling as awful and things wouldn't be as hard as they are right now. And, I've wondered if that is just part of the grieving process and the emotions I need to go through to not get too attached since I know I'm going to have to kill one of them off soon for the betterment of then entire family. But, first, I must have them all grown and develop and get out (or almost out) of the first trimester, just in case, nature decides to take care of the situation. Anyone else here with me thinking I'm just not going to get that lucky? That makes me angry and resentful, the fact that I have to wait so long even if I understand the rational for it, especially because I'm feeling so physically awful while doing it.

Normally, Max poo's only once every 2 - 3 days. The last week, he's been having BM's at least twice a day, and only on my shift. Yesterday, it was 3 (or maybe it was 4) times. I know twice was during nap time (and, no, neither of us got a nap). The second time, he decided to take off his nappy instead of waiting for me. I guess the small blessing is he freaked out a bit when the poo got on his fingers (altering me to the situation). But, still poo was everywhere. He had to go straight to the bath. Then, I had to tackle the crib and bedding. I just got everything cleaned up when he decides to pee all over the tile floor and go "slipping mamma. I'm slipping" accompanied by laughter, splashing it all over himself who was just freshly out of the tub and everything else around. I really just wanted to sit down and cry. I know that your not supposed to get upset with kids for "accidents" while potty training, but I really don't think this was an accident. An experiment, yes, and accident, no. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, but Max doesn't seem to really mind the fact that I'm gagging and barfing while trying to clean him up. Yet, I also know that because I'm off, he's picking up on it and off a bit as well. Normally all of this would be a PITA, but not as awful because I wouldn't be physically revolted and the smell wouldn't bother me so. I'm used to poo...the dog kind, the human kind, and this is not something that normally bothers me. Right now, it is something that could easily put me over the edge.

Max is not a hitter and yesterday hit me 2 0r 3 times and Shadow once. No, it wasn't hard, but it's the principle. He was laughing and thinking it was a joke. I put him time out, which he hated the first time. A few hours later, he hit me again. I repeated to him that I don't like hitting, it hurts, and he laughed and started to do it again. I asked him if he wanted to go into time out again. He said yes, and ran into his room for a time out. What do you do with that?

Oh, and during that whole bath, cleaning the poo thing, guess what? I missed the call from the SR doc. How was I supposed to know she would call at an inconvenient time on a Saturday afternoon? Why oh why can't I just get an appointment time so I can make sure I'm available and not have to worry every time the phone rings it may be her again since she said she would 'try back later"? Ugh. See, the universe is against me.

I won't even tell you the state the house is in. It isn't good and it isn't pretty. And, the stack of unwashed dishes is sky high and I just don't think I can tackle them. Just the thought of it makes my stomach start turning and protesting again.

I broke my rule of never offering the TV to Max unless he asks for it I was desperate enough yesterday. And, he just sat on my lap and cuddled and we watched it together. Until the phone rang. And, despite his cry of "no phone mommy, no phone" I got up to make sure it wasn't the SR doc again. Sigh. It wasn't.

Anyway, I know I'll get through this. I know Max and I will get through this. We are just going through a ruff patch where I feel pretty bad and the worse I feel the more he picks up on it and acts out. All and all, it hasn't been fun and has me asking..."why? why now?" and "universe, what have I done that was so bad? why have you turned on me here".

I spent most of my pregnancy with Max not enjoying it and worried I'd have another miscarriage. I just wanted a do over and one I could enjoy. This one is the opposite, where I feel awful for wishing one or two of them would die off (and yet knowing I will not get that lucky) and not enjoying it for completely other reasons. I know I need an attitude adjustment here, but it's really hard when your tired and feeling lousy and nauseous and gagging/barfing and everything around you seems like it is making it worse, not better. I really hope that I get at least one take home child out of this because I'm pretty sure this is my last pregnancy.


yfnr said...

Oh Deb. Your feeling are totally normal. I can't imagine having a day like that and being pregnant on top of everything.
As far as the fatigue and illness, I think it is definitely related to there being three. I know in my first trimester I could barely get myself out of bed I was so tired, and I was carrying twins, so I can't imagine three. I am still hoping nature will step in and help you out. You are in my thoughts ((HUGS))

tripntwinmom said...

(((HUGS))) to you Deb. There are not words to console you during this time. Hopefully, you can find a small amount of comfort in knowing that there are many people thinking and praying for you.

More (((HUGS)))

Laura in L.A. said...

Oh, Debbie, I am so sorry. You looked like your usual perky self at Diana's today--I am sorry that you are just barely hanging in there. And you are entitled to have all your feelings about this! You are in a tough spot, and no one can deny that. I just want your situation resolved as soon as possible, and I want you to be feeling better. I am praying for you.

Love, Laura