Sometimes, you just need to cry a little

As I tell Max, apparently often enough that he repeats it back to me when he's crying and I ask what's the matter, sometimes, you just need to cry a little. And, sometimes, you need to cry a lot. And, sometimes, when you start, you just can't stop.

I realized within the first day or so of Nora and Ray's NICU stay that the nurse on duty can make or break a visit. They control so much. Everything really. Although I'm the mom, I control nothing. Nora and Ray have had nurses that I have really, really liked and bonded. And, they have had nurses that I haven't particularly cared, mostly because they don't offer or try to make you a part of the babies routine, tell you when diaper changes will be and ask you if you want to do it, stuff like that. However, until today, they have always had different nurses and I haven't had two that way on any given day so it has balanced out.

I was so looking forward to my visit with Nora and Ray today. It was later than I have been going since I had a 2 pm incision check and my cousin agreed to get Max dinner and to bed. Keep in mind that this is my story from the mom's perspective and I'm sure the nurse has her own version of the story, but this is my blog and my story and I get to tell it my way. From the moment I walked in it seemed like my babies were an inconvenience to her. Apparently, she lost weight today because she walked back and forth between the two of them because of alarms going off (that's a direct quote by the way). From the very beginning, she started telling me what I couldn't do, which was pretty much everything and anything. Not only was I not able to hold Nora again today. I was not suppose to touch her or over stimulate her. Then I wasn't supposed to talk to even talk to her. She didn't want me to hold Ray at all and I pushed it so she let me, but only for a few minutes because he had to eat. Never mind that I have held him plenty of times before while he was getting his food (both Nora and Ray are being tube feed via a pump right now). Fine, the nurse is in charge, don't argue, just do what she says. The last straw was when I was being booted from even sitting next to Nora because it was all my fault she hadn't had a good day, and the nurse had to give her the dosage of caffeine late because her heart rate was too high, and something else that I don't remember because I just tuned her out at this point realizing it didn't matter that I had done everything she had asked and hadn't even been there for whatever she was talking about, she had to come and settle her down after I had gotten her all worked up (another direct quote) when I had done nothing but sit there and look at her. Anyway, getting back to the last straw, it was just after all of that when I went to go sit next to Ray that she told me to keep the incubator closed because he was a little cold, which basically means I couldn't even touch him either. Never mind that he was the exact same temperature he has been plenty of times I have been in, that she just had him in a diaper with no blanket, and that my hand and touch does have and could offer body heat. We had words at this point where I basically told her I was very frustrated at this point and would appreciate her telling me what I could do to help my babies instead of what I couldn't every time I turned around. Of course, she didn't get it. Basically, I could do nothing right the entire time and I felt like my entire visit was just pointless because by being there I was practically causing their demise. She actually even got on my for not giving her my fresh breast milk after I had pumped so that she didn't have to thaw out when I have been pumping at least once if not twice every single visit every single day since they were born following the protocol I had been told which is to give it to the receptionist out front if one is there and if not, to give it to the babies nurse.

So, I just sat behind Ray's isollette and just cried, and cried, and cried some more. I stayed until shift change as I had planned (no way was I going to let her run me out of there even if I couldn't do anything but just sit there and look at at Ray) and decided to stick with my plan of pumping before I headed home crying the whole while. I cried on the way home. Once I started, I just couldn't stop. I'm starting to get worked up and cry all over again just reliving it.

I will be talking to the social worker and/or head nurse tomorrow about this. I couldn't have had a decent conversation tonight about it. I was just too upset. Probably, it will do no good, but I am going to follow up on this. I am still the mom and I may only have little to no control, but strongly feel that part of the nurses job is to help the mom be a part of the babies life, not a burden to it. I'm probably going to go so far as to ask that she not be assigned to either of my children again, but especially not both of them at the same time. She'd probably be just as happy with that seeing as how she lost so much weight today because of them and then having to deal with an over emotional mom (which is why she'd rather work night shift as I heard her tell the other nurse on that side of the room). Please oh please, do not let her be working again tomorrow, at least not assigned to either of my two. Feel free to pray that prayer with me, cause I really don't think I could take that nurse again two days in a row. I don't.

Speaking of weight loss, I've lost 9 lbs in the week since my last incision check. Nothing like stress, a schedule too busy to do more than just eat the bare necessity while doing something else, and pumping. I'm sure weight watchers and other weight loss programs would not approve. Personally, I'm fine with it for now as I had and still have weight to loose. Also, my incision is looking great and looks to be solidly healed such as I was given the go ahead to swim (as long as swimming didn't use my abdominal muscles and was more like standing in the water catching Max or floating in a floaty) and take a bath. Max will be thrilled with that. Sadly, no orgasms for another month. Sad because I have actually felt like it a time or two and it would be a really good stress relief. Ah well, I really don't need any internal problems because I didn't allow things to heal properly so I will be following doc's orders on that one. While at the OB's I got the paperwork done to file for state disability and just need to copy it before getting it in the mail tomorrow. And, my OB agreed to sign a letter (that I agreed to write and she accepted the offer) that she would recommend I stay out on disability for longer. I'll make sure I have that done for my next visit in 4 weeks. Hopefully, I'll be able to talk with the social worker tomorrow and ask her if she would do the same. Then, I meet with the counselor on Thursday and will ask her. If that doesn't work, nothing will and I will know that I have done my best. But, I'm hoping it will.

In other good news, Max and I went to his pre-school introduction class together again today. We both had a good time. No tears for me. And, only tears for Max when he got bonked in the head by something. He still didn't want to leave, but no major melt downs. He still wants to come back, but he's added the "with mommy" to the end of that sentence. I have an appointment on Wednesday for Max's IEP meeting so can't go this Wednesday, but still think I'm going to try to do Monday's and have Noemi do Wednesdays and split it up a bit.

I have so puffy eyes, a headache, hunger pains, and am emotionally drained in addition to just plain tired. I'm going to suck it up and do one last pump before turning out the light.

Tomorrow is another day after all. It has to be better, right?

Relief!

My cousin came today. My cousin came today. Hi ho the dairy oh. My cousin came today.

The relief was instantaneous. We went straight from the airport to the hospital and got her signed in so she could go by herself. CC (her 11 year old daughter) watched Max in the hall and waiting room and both were able to look through the windows and see us. Then, I took the kids and pumped. We switched and my cousin T took the kids for lunch. She found it as hard to leave as I do and asked how I did it. Of course, the easy answer is no choice Max needed me/needs me too. We've got a loose schedule for this week. Plus agreement that she will take the kids on Saturday while I visit the NICU to my hearts content and we will flip on Sunday giving me one day home to spend with Max for our time with me knowing someone else who loves them will be there to visit the babes.

I got to hold Nora for the first time today. It was so nice. T had her camera and we did get pictures, but she forgot her cord to download and it is a odd size I don't have so they will have to wait. Oh, and the neonatologist on today came by when were were there and for the first time one of them mentioned a tentative go home time frame. Granted, its 5 - 6 weeks out and about the earliest time I had in my head (and coincides with my current return to work date). If that holds true, I'm almost third of the way through the NICU phase of their life. That seem much more manageable than "the end of the summer" or "two months".

T drove on the way home so I could pump and eat (simultaneously) in the car in route (thank goodness for tinted windows and bucket seats :). May not sound like a big deal and wasn't for her as she has been here many, many times and familiar with the freeways/routes, but helped my schedule immensely.

They swam while I napped and then pumped again. She gave Shadow a much over due bath/shower. We all hung out for a bit when we first got home and then before dinner/bedtime, It was nice.

I got Max down, pumped again, and then was free, free, free to go out and run some errands. I haven't had that freedom since my niece lived here for a few months last year (or maybe that was the year before now?). Again, doesn't sound like much, but was huge relief and heady sense of freedom for me. Of course, by then almost all of the stores I needed to get stuff from were closed, but still it was nice to be out after dark. The first time in the new car as I realized I didn't know if the lights came on automatically or which setting turned them on.

It's the end of the day and I'm not completely exhausted. As I told her, none of it is big, but all of it adds up to take the edge off me.

Today was a good day. Still busy for sure, but in a much more fun less stressful way.

"The Trends"

This is why I keep track. I entered my milk production data to current and trended it. All's basically fine. I am trending up. One less worry.

I can't figure out how to only get the chart and am tired and going to bed now that I have one less worry and got my average of 7 pumps in today. If you click on "the picture" the chart will get bigger/be readable.

Clock Watcher and More Time Off

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep and even at least once in the middle of the night my life is scheduled. Wake up, pump, get Max breakfast and dressed, get my self dressed, remember to eat. Pack up, get out of the house. Got to go. Got to go. Got someplace to be. Hope traffic isn't too bad cause it just takes away time from either Max or Ray and Nora. So, difficult to get to the NICU. So, difficult to leave. Ten minutes with Ray. Ten minutes with Nora. Fifteen minutes with Ray. Fifteen minutes with Nora. Back and forth back and forth during the allotted time for that day. Take time to pump, eat something, drink water, go to the bathroom. All those things take away from the precious limited time I have to spend near my babies. It's almost like two separate lives with two very different ways to be a mom. It is never enough. It just doesn't feel like it is ever enough. The animals follow me around the house meowing or panting when I'm home. I trip over them as I rush to do what I need to do because there just aren't enough hours. I curse at them in my mind and once or twice out loud when Max wasn't around. They need more of me too. More of me that I just don't have to give right now. One more thing to feel guilty about. My milk supply isn't growing and seems to have dropped off a bit. I haven't added the numbers yet. Is it the stress? Not pumping enough? Don't know when else I'd have the time. Heck, I even pumped in my car today to keep up the schedule. Not drinking enough water? Maybe bigger cones would help, but no time to find the breast center to get something. Just something else to feel pressured and guilty about. It's currently 103 out, dropping from 114 a bit ago. Max wants to get in the pool and swim, but I can't because of my scar (talked my mom into coming for the afternoon so he could get in). Max got a box of cooked noodles for dinner with frozen peas still frozen (likes them like that, but he's getting sick of them since I give them too much since they are the easiest) and a hot dog. He asks for sausage instead cause at least is something different; at least it wasn't another casadella or sandwich. Max is so tired at the end of the day that it is affecting his behavior. His schedule is pretty much non stop these days like mine. I'm finding it hard to deal with. He's only two. I really need to put him down for naps, but just can't. I don't get a break all day and just barely (most of the time) have the patience I need to get him to bed for the early bedtime. I feel like I am just a bad mommy to everyone right now, but don't know how to do it any better. What gives? In my mind, nothing can so I start all over and do it again the next day. I hate my schedule right now. I hate it. I hate being so darn scheduled. Life is hard. But, I love all my kids so much. I want to give them it all. Instead, I'm just giving them my best. I hope it is enough. I hope and pray it is enough.

My cousin comes tomorrow. I'm hoping it will help some. At least a little. If she can give at least a little time to Max, visit the twins a bit while I have a break at home with the older two (Max and her 11 year old daughter), be home more so the animals aren't as freaked. It won't be me, but it will be someone else consistent who is similar to me. I praying I'm not getting my hopes up too high for even a little relief. I know there will be some conflict. Two women can't usually live together for long without some conflict especially when one of them (me) is stressed, tired, and hormonal. But, we know each other well..both our strengths and our weaknesses. And, she will love them all, probably not as much as me, but enough. She's already agreed to get Max dinner and to bed on both Monday and Thursday night since I have 2 pm appointments both days (incision check with OB on Monday, therapist on Thursday) halfway between home and the NICU. Not only will this allow me to not have to rush out the door in the morning and then back home in the afternoon. Since I won't have to rush home so Noemi can leave, I can go to the NICU later after my appointment and stay until shift change. It will also allow me time to go to the second day of Max's preschool with Max. I would have had to choose between a NICU visit that day or school for Max. I would have chosen the NICU visit and sent Max with Noemi. This way I get to do both.

**********

On the FMLA, yes, I can take an additional 4 weeks under FMLA, but FMLA is unpaid leave. With two babies more than 2 months in the NICU; two hospital stays for me two weeks in a row; normal expenses; and expecting to operate in the red at least the first year if not two just because of additional child care expenses.... I can't afford to take time off without pay if I can help it or without cashing out stock, an investment, or my retirement. My company offers 26 weeks of short term disability for my years of service at full pay. They only want to give me 8 of it for the c-section and nothing else. After as many years that I have worked for this company and less than a handful of sick days, over time when needed, they can damn well pay me my full salary at a time when I need it most through a benefit that is just sitting there unused all this time. Fine, I need to go see a therapist and tell them I'm stressed out. It's the truth. I'm not trying to game the system. Heck, maybe it will help, who knows. It's just one more thing to try to fit into a schedule that is already so brutal that I dare any one else to try it and not feel on edge and stressed.

I also still have 4 weeks vacation that I have not yet used in addition to the 4 weeks of unpaid FMLA. The state of California does have some benefits (an amount for 8 weeks, then half that available for an additional 6 weeks), but the amount is a drop in the bucket compared to my normal salary. Call me greedy, but I want the three months home with both babies like I planned before going back to work. After only getting to hold Ray for 30 minutes a day and still not being able to hold Nora, I'm going to need a lot of cuddle time with them. It's still a long way off, but they could come home on oxygen or sleep apnea monitors. The first few months home with normal term babies is hard enough (so I hear). The first few months home with preemie babies who have spent months in the NICU is bound to be harder and I can only hope and pray that there will not be serious health consequence as a result. And, what about the likely scenario of one (probably Ray) coming home sooner than the other. How do I manage that in a schedule that already has no give?

Anyway, I digress, bottom line is not only am I fighting for addition time off. Time longer than what FMLA and my vacation will give me. I fighting for it at full pay. Benefits are there for a reason and to be used when needed. I can see as no better time than now for me to tap into it. Basically, I want it all and I may not get it, but I'm going to fight for it. I don't think I should have to, but if I do. I do.

Just another day

Just another day with highs and lows and everything in between.

The babes are improving and stabilizing every day. They were both taken off the bili lights today. This means I actually get to see their heads and faces.* I can't tell you how nice that is. Got to hold Ray for a long time again today. I can become addicted to that and try to balance the time and not neglect Nora. I can't wait until I can hold her as well.

I finally talked to my disability claims manager who said no way can authorize more than 8 weeks which puts my go back to work date at August 6th. The babies will either not even be home yet or just home. No way will that work. I said, fine, put me back to work now so I can have time after when they are home. She said, no can do, the time is for your recovery of the c-section, not to take care of the babes. I got (understandably, in my own mind) upset over this. She said, it sounds like your under a lot of stress (you think?) But, basically was saying "take the stress leave angle", which really is the bottom line truth of it. So, I got myself into that system. Need to write an email to my bosses giving them and update, telling them that is my plan and if it doesn't work I'm hoping they can work with me somehow because really, a mom deserves that time with her babies, especially after having to wait so long to have them home. But, I'm not up to writing that right now.

Max was up at 4:30 am this morning, which means I was up at 4:30 am this morning. And, that he was awake when I pumped this morning. Of everything, this seems to bother him the most. Today's behavioral issue was throwing all the bottled water from the cupboard onto the floor, coming to tell me about it, and asking me if I wanted to see it. I told him after I finished. Then, had to get him to clean it up "In our family, we clean up after ourselves when we make a mess; I'd like to do something fun with you, but you need to clean up your mess first; Max, please clean up your mess." and other such tactics were used until he eventually did it. I so didn't feel like the battle, but can't afford to let him get away with that behavior or have it escalate. I left the hospital a bit earlier than I have been to spend a bit of extra time with him. I'm trying to give him as much direct attention as possible (as in my complete focus with no phone, email, computer, mail, etc) when I am with him.

A friend stopped by the hospital a bit and dropped off a nursing shirt and more importantly 2 pumping bra's so I can go hands free (Thanks M! They fit/work perfect, just perfect). I can't tell you how much nicer that is. I can eat and more importantly drink water or make phone calls or browse the internet or check email. The quality of my life improved significantly today as a result of these handy dandy bra's. I can't even tell you. I actually have pumped 5 - 10 minutes longer than my normal 20 minutes because I wanted to finish what I was doing before disassembling and detaching from the pump.

One more pump session that I'm counting the clock for and then it is beddy bye time for me. I'm ready now.

* The nurses cover the isolettes (the plastic boxes the babes are in to control temperature and filter noise making it more of a womb like atmosphere) with blankets with the bili lights off. I got permission to bring in two lovely home made quilts that a friend just gave me to put over them. Way nicer than the generic hospital fare. Thanks again, A, there getting put to good use already.

Week 1

Today was a roller coaster of a day, just like it has been a roller coaster of a week. The lows have been low and the highs have been high....today...all week. Lots of stuff deserve a mention, but I'll have to save most for another day. I'm just too darn tired.

The lowest low: Max started his new preschool today. It is a summer program where the kids go two days a week for 2 hours. I had thought we would miss today because of Max's LAUSD assessment, but it ended early so I headed over to the pre-school. I got there just as they had joined the mom's into circle time for introductions, where I started crying as one of the things they wanted you to mention was other siblings, but all understandable and another mom that I have seen in church came up after to talk and give her support and tell about how one of her twins died in utero after PTL because they didn't believe her for a week. Anyway, I digress. Max LOVED, LOVED, LOVED preschool. I thought he would. So, where's low? When it was time to clean up, he just lost it. I have actually never seen him cry so hard in public, let alone at home. He kept saying he didn't want to go and he wanted to come back and no matter how many times I told he got to come back, it didn't help. He was inconsolable. I just hugged him and hugged him and we both cried. It really broke my heart. He's been such a trooper, but the stress is starting to get to us both.

The highest high: Because we went to the preschool , I got home later than planned and still needed to bump (it had been 4 hours by then) and eat (running low on food) and get out of the house to catch a good friend who was visiting the babes this morning before she had to leave (Didn't happen. Sorry C, thanks so much, can't tell you how much it means for you to take time out of your busy, hectic life right now) and to get there before another friend who wouldn't be able to get in without me. I was so tired and stressed and Max was fighting with me while I was trying to pump by trying to pull off the pump and I didn't want to go and just wanted to nap and was trying to figure out when I was going to get some down time which is like never. I was crying and figuring I'd just spend the time bawling over the incubators. I got a hold of the friend I was supposed to meet and ended up picking her up instead of meeting her. She was like my little angel today (Thanks A! Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!) Just having someone else there made all the difference in the world. But, that's not my highest high. Look below. I got to hold Ray today for the first time. I couldn't believe it when the nurse offered. I was so happy I was there. That no matter how tired I was, that I made the effort. I can keep doing this. It was the boost I needed.

Ray - Week 1 - First Time Being Held By Momma

Nora - Week 1 - Holding her own. Momma can't wait to hold you too!

ps. Please notice the smile instead of the crooked bangs that I cut within hours of being home from the hospital that I haven't had time to fix. :)

Milk, Milk, and More Milk

My grandparents used to have a dairy farm. Can't help but feeling like one of their cows these days. All for a good cause. All for a good cause.

6 days in and I have pumped for 855 minutes (14.25 hours) and produced 1,068 cc's of milk 386 of that today. Yes, my production has seriously gone up.

Ray's feeding schedule have been increased to 6 cc's every 3 hours (basically, 8 times/day).
Nora is currently on a 2 cc's every three hours.*

Their total consumption is 24 cc's/day. Yes, I am easily able to produce more than what they need right now, but I need to get and keep a nice solid milk supply and I need to get ahead of the game while I can. There are two of them and their amounts are going to continue to go up and at some point, my supply is going to max out.

One of the breast feeing consultants said I should be pumping every 12 hours and about 10 - 12 times per day going no longer than 4 - 5 hours without pumping (for sleep). Yeah right. Anyone who says that is crazy. I'm getting in, on average 6 or 7 and don't see how I can realisticly increase that unless I don't go visit the babes and I don't sleep and I don't give Max any attention at the start and end of the day. None of that is going to stop so I'm just doing the best I can and sticking with MY plan. So far so good. But, I'm tired and tired of it. Can't tell you how much I dread pumping even though I know it is a necessity at this point. It is one of the few things I can do for these little guys so I'm just plugging away. Having all the stats (which are now entered into a spreadsheet) helps with that.

Last pump session of the day is complete. Now, time for some much needed sleep. Another long, busy day.

* Did I mention that she was started at 2 cc's every 6 hours, then was taken off. I found out this morning that not only was she put back on, but every 3 hours. She seems to be tolerating it well this time.

This morning seems so long ago

Today has felt like such a long day that this morning seem so long ago it almost seems like a different day. Not long in bad as much as in long in back to back with no time to sit and stare into space or even get on the computer (oh, the horrors...based on my current and predicted schedule, my computer time is going to be limited so don't freak if I don't get an update in...this is my therapy and place to process things so I can move past them so if anything major happens, I'll post)
1) First me - Had staples removed today. Incision is healing fine. Go back next week to check and remove the "tape". Physically, I'm healing just fine. Took Tylenol first thing this morning (like 5 am?) and then again just before my OB visit. This morning was still very emotional and I broke down when Noemi came and was asking after me and the babies and I was showing her the pictures. I'd be fine for awhile and then in 2.5 seconds I could be back in tears because of something I thought or something someone said. I didn't get to spend as much time in the NICU as I would have liked because traffic was bad (three lanes closed due to a truck fire) and the OB appointment, but the time I did spend there was pretty much tear free and actually kind of peaceful as I went back and forth to visit with both babies. I had a chance for a short nap after the NICU visit while Max was at swimming lessons and it really made all the difference. No tears and meltdowns all evening. I needed a break from the drama and pretty much avoided any situation that had the potential to upset me. I also had (well, not quite an epiphany) what I'll call an "ah ha" moment in realizing that all new mom's have the tears and mood swings, but most have the luxury of doing so in the privacy of their home only around family and friends . Since I have to be out and about at a time when no new mom should, my emotions are on display to the general public I must encounter.

2) Max is doing fine. He woke up early while I was in the middle of pumping. He handled the first part well, but started to loose it (trying to touching all the buttons, turn off the pump, pull the breast shields and/or tubes off) towards the end. Then we got up, had an early breakfast and walked his babies around the block with Shadow. I was ready to lie down by then and he climbed on the bed and we cuddled while he watched TV and I dozed and it was just what we both needed. Tonight, it was just us for dinner and normal play. He was a tad whinnier/demanding than normal, but really not bad especially considering he is fighting a cold/cough and this is the first night in almost a week that it has just been him and I doing our normal stuff.

3) The babies are doing fine. Nora continues to be a typical 29 weeker with typical 29 week issues. They stopped her feeding because of some browning discharge that the doc (need a short abbreviation to use for a neonatogist) thought may have been some old blood that she swallowed during birth. They no longer hear a heart murmur so hopefully that PDA issue has closed off. If so this should improve her breathing. She's still on oxygen. Basically, she's holding her own and not doing bad, but hasn't really moved ahead yet either. Ray is like the super star 29 weeker and doing really well. The doc said that if he ever had a child that was a 29 weeker, he'd want him to be just like Ray. They have increased his feeding to 5 cc's every 3 hours. The way I calculate it, about 40 cc's a day. I'm able to keep ahead of the milk curve and am getting an average, about 40 cc's with one pump session. I decided I'm going to enter the milk production data into an excel sheet so I can chart it and analyze the data, just because I like to do that kind of thing and it keeps me motivated and competive with myself. Hey, pumping is a drag, but oh so necessary so I need something to spice it up. So, look forward to day over day percent increase in volume, total volume produced, and other such statistics for the nerd in me.

Speaking of milk production, time for the 11 pm pump session I really wanted to get in before some much needed sleep. I wasn't sure I was going to make it.

I'm home

I'm home and tired and can't sleep and can't even cry myself to sleep. No Ambien for me tonight. With it, I was at least getting 4 hours of sleep in the hospital. Even if I had some, I don't think I'd take it while home with Max because I'm not sure I'd wake up if he needed me to. Probably, I would, but I'd never chance it. I just took some benedryl. Maybe that will help. I kept dozing off while pumping. Yet, as soon as I froze the milk and got back in bed, I just couldn't drift off.

Both my sister and Max are coughing. All I can think and pray is that I don't get it because then I couldn't see the twins. Overall, my home coming was fine. I didn't start crying until I had offically gone to bed for the night. The presents for Max from his sister and brother was a big hit. They got him twin little doll babies with a stroller we can't figure how to get the wheels on, and a doll accessory kit with sippy cups, bottles, a diaper, bibs, a "potty" and things like that. He took them to bed with him.

Here is a picture of Nora and Ray just before I left the hospital. They took off the bili masks so I could snap away. Today was the first time I got to see them open their eyes. Normally, there faces and heads are covered since they are under the bili lights for jaundice.

I think the hardest part of coming home was feeling like to everyone else the twins don't exist because they aren't home with me. My sister who picked me up was freaked out by seeing them, not that she told me this, but she barely looked at them, get close to them or talk at all the entire time we were in the NICU. I tried not to look at the expression on her face. It wasn't quite revolution. The sister that was watching Max didn't ask after them, to see a picture, or really acknowledge them in any way. Out of sight, out of mind. I should have stayed off the computer. My cousin who I was so looking forward to coming basically said she wasn't sure she wanted to come the entire time, did I really need her, and her daughter and friends were complaining she was going to be gone for so long. I responded that I didn't want her to feel like she was a hostage by my situation, that she should make whatever plans she wanted and I would readjust based on that, and that I'd be happy for any support and help she wanted to give. I told her that I was really looking forward to her coming next week, but to let me know ASAP if she wasn't so I could mentally and emotionally adjust.

I'm just feeling raw and tired. I want the twins to be "real" to everyone else too even though they can't see them. I want other to care and ask how they are doing and be interested that Nora was given breast milk today and all the other silly little details of their progress.

I've decided that I'm going to take pictures each Wednesday to track their progress.

I must sleep. Tomorrow is another long day.

Nora

Ray

Back to the little things....

My milk production is up. I'm getting about 30 cc's from each pump session. I'm feeling really good about this. It's one of the few things I can do, provide my milk for my babies. Having the neonatologist impressed made me feel even better. The topic came up when he told me the medicine seems to have worked; Nora's heart murmur is gone; and, she is going to begin food, but he is only going to give her breast milk. I've been able to stock pile the last day or two and my production is up so we will see if I'm able to keep up with demand. All good news there.

Ray is getting food three times a day now with a schedule of 9 am (which I was there for), 1 pm and 5 pm, basically every four hours. I made a point of checking the schedule, keeping my eating and pumping on a schedule (forgoing a shower) to make sure I was back in the NICU at least 5 minutes before 1 so I could be there for it. And, the nurse had already fed him. Bam! Just like that I was in tears and down. What was to be the highlight of my day, is just something else that needs to get done and off her list. I get that, but was still very disappointed. So, I changed his diaper, said a quick hi to Nora and came to have a good cry in the shower. I think she felt bad and made some comment about how I'll get to do a lot of that in his future. I get that. I realize that she thinks it is no big deal, and for her it really isn't. It's about 20 seconds in her day. Nothing, less than nothing to her. She gets to do so much and I so little for them. I was disappointed and am not going to feel guilty for feeling and showing it. She told me 1, I was there before 1 and it is done and over so I'm letting it go. There are very few things that I get to do that make me feel like a mom right now. That's one of them.

My sister just called. She's on her way and should be here in an hour. I'm going to go spend it in the NICU probably crying. Then, the dreaded pack up and leave.

Oh, this is hard. It is a roller coaster. It is emotional and I'm not going to pretend it isn't no matter how uncomfortable the emotions may be for others to see. I'm allowed to go from happy to sad and back again in 2.5 seconds. I just need to take a deep breath, remind myself that, and allow myself to feel.

The Price of Parenthood

I've been thinking about the price of parenthood lately, both in terms of actual dollar and cents costs as well as emotional. There is someplace web sight or organization or such that calculates the cost of raising a child over the cost of their lifetime factoring in things like shoes, clothes, sports dues, college, etc. I don't remember the exact number but remember it being pretty high like heading up to a million dollars. I wonder what they would do with situations like mine. If you count the actual dollar and cents just to conceive (DE/DS IVF cycle via an agency) and bring baby home costs (with the extended NICU stay), Ray and Nora have already cost a fortune and will just keep adding on over the next few months. We will just leave out the child care costs anticipated for the first year which I had me operating in the red.

Hospital stays in general and NICU stays in particular are expensive. Very expensive. Thank God for a good job with good benefits and good insurance with yearly caps on dollar amounts owed. My insurance isn't as great as it was a few years ago and changes they have made over the last few years are more in their favor than mine, but still the insurance I have is still really good and will make it all manageable for me from a financial perspective. My portion of financial responsibility will be a drop in the bucket compared to the total cost of care. It will pinch and add pressure for sure, but will not put me over the edge.

The birth of one child is emotional enough. I remember getting weepy after Max and just sitting bawling because he had jaundice, needed daily blood draws, and was on bili lights. The early birth of two children with a long NICU stay brings the term emotions to an all new level. The thoughts of going home without them killing me inside and tears of dread and sadness. Yet, the incredible tears of joy when the night nurse let me hold the feeding syringe and let me "feed" Ray last night on the other side of the emotional scale at the same time. As I learned from having Max, being a parent is an emotional roller coaster at the best of times. As I'm learning from the twins already, it is more than exponential leap.

I find myself thinking, I can't wait until xyz....where xyz may be having us all at home or getting a family portrait (or at least attempting to) or yelling at the kids for doing some normal kid stuff that just had to be done. As I keep thinking of the next few months as just something to get through, I realize the entire pregnancy I have been thinking that the few months are just something to be endured, the first year something to be survived. It's something I've been guilty of in the past and need to remind myself not to "wish my life away". I need to ground myself and appreciate the todays today as well. As hard as today and tomorrow and the tomorrows after that may be, they are meant to be lived with all the emotion that goes with living them, not something to endure.

Just as I had to learn to parent Max based on the child he was and is, I realized last night I'm just going to have to redefine my picture (and dream) of early parenting of the twins. Parenting doesn't just mean cuddling our new born to your breast in the early days and bonding. For the twins, it is going to look a whole lot different and just quietly sitting singing and talking to them (no matter how stupid or awkward I feel) or holding their feeding tube or changing their little itty bitty diaper or whatever else that will be to come. I'll adjust and get better and more confident. I'm already much more so today than I as even just a few days ago.

I'm sure I'm rambling at this point and want to get on with eating and pumping and showering and going to go see those babes or mine and already feeling so sleep deprived and tired, but my point in all of this is that despite the monetary and emotional toll or maybe that is because of it, it is all, as the commercial says, "priceless".

On this fathers day where I'm in a family situation of being both mother and father to three children, it all feels a bit surreal at the moment. It also feels like I finally have my family and it is complete. Yes, still in a bit of a disjointed disconnected way since we are not all home together, but complete none the less. And, while I'm not ready to leave without my babies, I'm ready to be home figuring out the new normal.

Looking ahead...

Looking ahead to tomorrow...yes, only until tomorrow...can't look much past that at this time...I'm going to do the hardest thing I've ever done and I've had to do a lot of hard things in my life. I'm going to have to go home without my babies. If it weren't for Max at home who needs me and hasn't seen me, I don't think I could do it. There would probably be some big news story about the crazy lady who refused to leave the hospital. As it is, it is already breaking my heart. The only worse thing I can imagine is loosing your baby while here and knowing you never would get to bring them home. My heart is hurt enough at just the temporary separation. I don't know how the mom's make it through for which that isn't even an option. Leaving without them is wrong on so many levels. Never being able to leave with them is just incomprehensible.*

So, I guess I need to remind myself that I am woman and I am strong. I will get through this. I'm grateful that as long of the road to home will be for my babes, at least it is a road we get to travel. I'm grateful that I have today and tomorrow here, cause the truth of the matter is I really could have physically gone home today, to pop over all day and night for visits and to drop off milk. Still, it's going to take every fiber of my being tomorrow to pack up, check out, and actually get in that car to go.

No one ever said life was easy. Some days are easier than others. Tomorrow is going to be so hard for me I guess I need to start preparing today.


* And, yet, sadly...IRL I know several women who have had to do this (one twice actually) and while I knew it had to be hard for them, my level of understanding is at a whole new level. I really don't know how they survived, but they have. If they can survive that, I can survive my temporary separation. But, surviving and not having your heart broken and being an emotional mess are not the same thing. It is going to take everything I have to walk away.

The Lil' Things

I woke up and seriously thought of just going back to sleep after using the potty. But, rallied and pumped my best output yet 5 cc from each breast and walked it over to the NICU thinking I'd just go in and spend 5 minutes with each child before trying to get more sleep. The nurse told me Ray was going to get his first breast milk/feeding at 3am. Forget more sleep, of course I stayed. While I was there, I got to change both of their diapers. I almost started bawling in joy. Something so small that I would have just taken for granted. I can't tell you how happy just being for that meant. As I told the nurse, just the picture and extra motivation the next time I set up to pump. Cause lets face it, pumping can be a real drag sometimes. Next feeding is at 9 am. I'll be there. It all made me actually feel like a mom to them instead of just not so innocent bystander.

Day 3

My sense of time and place is a bit off right now where I'm getting confused on the day and each day is basically non-stop except for a few hours of sleep at night. Today, was my "sore" day as things are settling and healing so I took a bit more pain meds than I had been. Once I'm up and going, I'm fine, but slow. The getting up and going and down and stopping that had me wincing a few times. All normal. I expect a bit of more of the same tomorrow, then Sunday to be on the up curve.

I came off the IV line this morning. Granted, I asked the nurse to call the OB's office to get permission and it was granted. It was so much nicer to just be able to walk (granted slowly) where I wanted to go. Met with the OB about lunch and things look fine with me. We agreed I would stay the maximum I could which will be Sunday afternoon/evening even though I could probably go home tomorrow. However, I want to be able to stay as close to my NICU babes as possible for as long as possible so I can continue to bond with them and the NICU staff. The OB on call is the newest OB in the practice and, as is my style, I told her that I planned to blatantly ignore the no driving for however long rule. We went through the risks (which I have done with past docs as well) and easily agreed that I would not drive if I was still taking narcotic based pain meds or in pain such that it would affect my ability to break hard if needed. Both easy things for me to agree to as I would not put my life or that of my children at risk. I didn't come this long and far to be stupid. Anyway, exit plan is in place which makes me happy. She also told me of some rooms here that can be used to stay over night if needed. Probably, I wouldn't use one of them because of the Max situation, but something to keep in mind.

On my first visit to the NICU today, I found out that both babies had moved into Room B. It's an upgrade or sorts (or would that be downgrade?) basically they were doing well enough to be moved to a more calming environment. I still got a bit weepy once or twice, but over all am getting more used to everything and not being afraid I'm going to kill them if their alarms go off when I'm touch them.

Ray is doing really well. I'm too tired to get into the details, but he's being upgraded to a feeding line and they are going to start feeding him tonight. This seems to be the next big milestone. And, if that all goes well, I think I may get to "cuddle care" with him soon.

Nora isn't doing horrible, but she's days away from the feeding line and feeding. The neonatologist heard a heart murmer and she had an u/s by a cardiologist who was still there at my last visit and drew a picture and explained everything to me. Bottom line is that what he saw is very common in babes of her age and treated by medication tonight for treatment and she will be re-evaluated in a few days to see if another dosage is needed. He saw another mild issue that should resolve within the first year if not sooner. Anyway, this heart thing and breathing thing have to be resolved before she can even get to where Ray is.

Anyway, I'm really tired so not sure if this is making sense, but things are getting easier and less scary for me in the rooms. Overall, they are both doing great. Overall, it was a good day for us all. Oh, and Max came to visit me and I hoped that he could at least see his brother and sister through the window. Mostly, because I want him to understand that they are no longer in my tummy. I think he and I could have was visited a bit longer, but alas...the time to go happened all too soon. Must go to sleep soon before I nod off my sentence.

Introducing the twins.....

Here are my beautiful babes. A tad hard to see the beauty under the tubes and wires, even by their momma....probably especially their momma who just wants to be able to pick them up, speed up time so they are healthy and ready and wisk them home. It's been an emotional day. In part because I didn't get to see them until 10:30 or 11 am today. I just heard that the babes were doing so well that they were going to un-tube them so maybe better pics soon.

Nora Grace

Ray (middle name TBD)

Happy Birthday!

Baby A (boy) was born at 6:40 pm on 6/11/08. He weighed in at 2 lbs 11 1/2 oz, 16 inches.

Baby B (girl) was born at 6:42 pm on 6/11/08. She weighed 2lbs 12 oz, 15 1/2 inches.

Names are still TBD/

Both are reportedly doing well with issues as expected for gestational ages and nothing serious so far.

I'm doing fine. I'm so darn hot and sweaty and vomiting up a storm even without having eaten and drunk in over 14 hours. A bit emtional at times. I saw each baby for a second or two as they were taken out of my tummy. I'll be able to see them tomorrow one I can get up and about. The NICU took and brought my a few pictures of both, which is great and thoughtful. And, in looking at them and the need for them and knowing that even when I do see them tomorrow I will only be able to touch and talk to them, but not hold them and cuddle them in.

12 Hour Update

It has been 12 hours since my water broke.

No sign of active labor. A few contractions here and there.

I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I have a head ache. I'm tired. At least I am no longer boiling hot and the room is starting to cool after a thermostat adjustment.

My sister stopped by and we got all the arraignments set for Max and such...like picking up Shadows meds, and a few things I'd like done like getting Max presents from his new brother and sister.* I think we are good until at least next Thursday with coverage, then my cousin comes on a week from Sunday.

Being monitored so much is a PITA. It's hard to keep both babies on the monitor so I try not to move much, but still they will fall off. And, even though I can't drink a thing....boy, a nice tall glass of ice water sounds so good and refreshing right now....I'm on an IV drip so I have to get up to pee which is a challenge with all these cords, I leak fluid all over everything, and ever since the u/s this morning, I think boy baby's head is on a nerve or something on the left side of my pelvis causing pain when I get up or put pressure on it.

Emotionally, I'm doing mostly fine. I get teary when talking about or to Max. He called a bit to talk to me and tell me that he had Mac N Cheese for lunch, that he was playing with his comona (sp?) train, and he had a big poo poo this morning when he woke up and Aunt Kris was here. You know. Important stuff. Mostly, I really want this show to be on the road and to just deliver these kids already on the one hand, but then know how important every hour and day is at this point for them to stay inside and I feel guilty and know I can and will suck it all up until the doc says its time. Plus, I haven't talked to teh doc and haven't seen teh doc and the nurses know little and I want more information, not that it really matters, but I'd like to read the u/s report. I'd like to know what my labs were last week. I'd like to know if I'm dilated and if so, how much but don't think they will check that since there is really no point since I won't have a vaginal delivery anyway and it will introduce more opportunity for infection. I'm an information kind of gal and just like to know regardless and that's not the way hospitals work.

So, I'll lay here and try to keep my mind off of things and take things minute by minute. I wish I could say I'm enjoying my last bit without the twins in my life, but in truth, I'm not. Probably, I won't be feeling better after they come either with the c-section recovery, the hormones, and ssing my little ones born too darn early and hopefully not fighting for their lives.

I can do no more or no less than just wait, wait, wait. What will happen will happen soon enough.

3 am, 6/11/08

Will today be my babies birthday? For that, we will need to wait and see. My water broke at 3 am. I stared in disbelief wondering what the odds are was wrong for about 5 - 10 minutes. Figured I probably wasn't so called OB, sister, and friend in that order. OB said go to Labor and Delivery STAT. Sister said she'd come now. Friend arrived a few minutes after sister and accompanied me.

I am currently hooked up to every monitor known to man. I was allowed breakfast and am now on a "nothing by mouth" until further notice. An u/s was done, but I have very little information from it other than one baby was 14.97 g and the other 14.50 g. Haven't had time to convert to lbs.

The current plan is to monitor me to see if I go into active labor. I was told I was having contractions about 10 min. apart when in L&D. With all the activity of getting admitted and moved back to the High Risk Unit, we haven't gotten a good strip, but I am starting to feel contractions. Once I go into active labor, they will not try to stop it with Tributlane. I will have a c-section to deliver the tykes.

More to come.

Mind Games

Mostly, I have been very zen and calm about this whole possibility of early delivery and pre-term labor.

Partially because I strongly suspect the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Max when I didn't go into active labor until we induced by breaking my water at 37 weeks. * Now, granted, this is a much more high risk pregnancy, with more issue, but I was more active then hiking at least an hour every day with a head in the down and ready pressing on my cervix for quite a while as well. So, I'm thinking and hoping the same thing may happen again. I will fully appreciate the irony if I never go into active labor and we decide to induce again (or schedule a c-section). Part of me wishes we had checked me earlier last time for a baseline. Part of me is glad we didn't so I can hold on to my delusions, if that is what they are.

Partially because, really, there isn't much else to do but take it easy and wait to see how it all plays out. Like most of my life, I will live in such a way that I will have no regrets if I do go into PTL. Even as I know that studies have not shown bed rest to really make a difference and is prescribed as more of a "can't hurt and may help", I will comply as best as possible since the stakes are pretty high at this point.

Having said all that random thoughts do challenge my serenity at times. Such as.....

• What if I really am having contractions and just don't realize it?
• When is the last time I felt the babies move? What are the odds that the steroid shot could have actually killed them instead of help them develop faster?
• Can the babies grow faster than my uterus can expand? Any chance it will just explode like a balloon?
• Too much amniotic fluid can be a problem, maybe I should go read up on why that is and what causes it because I don't seem to be pee'ng out as much as I'm drinking in right now.
• Is that mucus on the toilet tissue or just a shadow? Have I lost my mucus plug?
  
• I'll not be surprised at all if my next appointment shows that I've started dilating because when I sit to pee it just feels so open and like something, namely a baby, could just slide right out. Thank goodness you have actually gone through labor and know that it doesn't really happen like that, or at least the odds are pretty darn low, probably low enough that you don't need to keep the phone by the toilet to call 911 just in case.
• But, you don't even know if you have started dilating, you could be/probably just are psyching yourself out. Just wait until Thursday's appointment to see what's up.
  

Even with taking it all in stride, can't help but worry a tad bit here and there, but mostly just getting on. Now, if I really do start having contractions, I'll probably flip out and all semblance of calm, cool, and collected will be gone. Just enough of a healthy concern to keep me in line and taking it easy.

Can you believe it is already over a week since I was put on bed rest? A week since election day and the start of my hospital stay. It really has gone much faster then I ever thought possible.


* Since it wasn't a high risk pregnancy, the first time my OB checked was at 34 weeks and only on a whim since every pregnant woman she had seen that day was dilated, presumably because of some low pressure system coming through. I was 100% effaced, 4 cm dilated, and Max's head was "right there". I was put on bed rest from weeks 34 - 36. When she let me up, she offered to send me over to the hospital and to induce and have the baby before the weekend. I declined, did a bunch of things, decided to induce a week later for a lot of reasons. I was 5 cm dilated when she broke my water about 2:30 pm on Wednesday, August 17 and Max was delivered at 11:01 pm.

He has a point, there....

Remember, Max isn't bossy. Opinionated, yes.... Directive, certainly.....

Last night, we were eating dinner. Well, I was still eating. Max was finished and as he was getting up from the table, I asked him to go get me a tea from the fridge. He goes to the fridge, gets a water and brings it back to me telling me..."No tea tonight. Only water. It's good for you." What could I do but agree and drink my water?

This morning, which went much better than yesterday by the way, I just went on the computer for a minute or two (I swear) to check email. My little overseer was all over that. He came and closed the computer, put on my reading glasses, got me a book and told me to read a book instead. When I started to read it to him out loud, I was told "no talking". Sigh. Yes, yes, again, he did have a good point and reading a book is setting a better example than being on the computer.

Egads, point or no point, right or not, the kid is not even 3. I think he may be insufferable as he gets older. Good thing I am usually an easy going kind of person most of the time. :)

Crabby

I have to say, I'm feeling incredibly crabby today. Contrary to popular belief, or my own personal misconceptions, when you are not working and doing bed rest (especially when doing it incredibly well, or maybe that's in spite of doing it well), it is not a nice relaxing time where you can get a book read or a show watched or really anything on your "to do" list actually done.

It doesn't help that since I napped yesterday I couldn't fall asleep last night and then after I did fall asleep, Max woke up 3 times and then was up at 5:30 am for the day. Boy, it was a looooooonnnnnnngggggg 3 hours before Noemi got here at 8:30. We made do amusing ourselves by climbing over pillow mountain, burping on Mommy, playing with the cell phone, and other such fun filled games and activities. Thank God Noemi did come though, if nothing else because the house is back into decent shape.

It also doesn't help that my room is the hottest in the entire house.

......

This complaint interrupted by a visit from a well meaning neighbor (who talks far too much and long) and by then Max will be home from swimming. So, more later. All basically well. I just need an attitude adjustment.

Just Hanging

All is going well here. Just hanging out and taking it easy. My mom was here from Friday night until Saturday afternoon to help and a friend from Saturday afternoon until this evening. Max is off on a day adventure with the friend for most of the day. As much as I love him and seeing him, it is much easier to rest and relax when he isn't in the house.

I'd say I'm doing quite well with taking it easy and think those helping would say I could be doing better and am up too much. The thing is, you get zero credit for not doing all the things you think about doing and don't and dinged for doing what anyone else considers too much. It's somewhat of a loosing proposition. I do have bathroom privileges, allowed up at meals, to take a shower stuff like that. And, they want you to stay hydrated. The more you drink, the more you pee. Just the way it goes. I'm not contracting at all and haven't had any contractions at all. The precaution is keeping the weight off the cervix as much as possible, which I am.

As predicted, Max had a tiny melt down on Friday night when he saw me and we both hugged and cried a bit and moved on. He's dealing well with it all and having fun with all the company and helpers, but also not really getting why momma is just sitting around so much (when I am normally rarely sitting or laying down). Yesterday, he came up to me and did something and said he wanted to make me sad. I asked him how come and if I had made him really sad when I was away and in the hospital and he said yes. I told him that made me sad too and that I was going to at least have to go back in the hospital one more time when the babies were born, but was going to do what I could so that was only for a short time by listening to the doctor (and keeping my feet off the ground as much as possible). Then, he played doctor and asked me about the doctors and their names and moved on. I think it is sitting back there worrying him a bit, but he's 2, social, and easily distracted and there has been a lot going on to keep him distracted.

Now, my dog Shadow has not been doing so great. She's been having a major anxiety attack since I got back and following me around and panting and driving me a bit crazy actually. She typically doesn't like to be in the same room with Max these days because he's loud (and does this high pitched noise he calls his soccer team noise that hurts her ears) and energetic. However, she doesn't want to leave my side so is skittish and high strung which just isn't like her. Not sure what's going on with that and will keep my eye on it. She does seem to be settling a bit. Maybe a combination of me being home for a few days and getting out front for a short walk last night and a longer walk this morning helped.

Anyway, don't really have much to say. Not doing much. And, not getting much computer time with so many people in the house. After Max and my friend left this morning, I took a nice nap, ordered groceries on line, and here I am.

I think things will settle in for the week. We will get a new routine and flow going with the changes in my schedule and activity level. My next appointment isn't until later in the week. It's actually not scheduled yet since the computer was done in the office on Friday, but am going to try to get it for Thursday. I'm guessing and hoping things will be nice and quiet until then. In the mean time, with the thought of so much extra free time on my hands, it's hard to get motivated for anything much. I do have a "to do" list to work through starting tomorrow (Monday), but don't worry...it is all phone and computer based tasks.

I'm home

Yeah! At home, in my own bed at the moment. Still haven't seen Max as he was out with Noemi. Can't wait. My mom's here to help tonight and I sent her out for dinner. I almost had to call a friend to free me. The nursing staff was appalled that I had driven myself to the hospital and planned to drive myself home. I didn't think they were going to release me there for a few minutes. As it was, it had to get escalated up two levels the the head nurse and then only after they called my OB for permission. Of course, it had never occurred to me that this may be an issue. Thank goodness the OB practice I'm under care with are practical based women who understand my situation. So, now I just take it easy and hope I don't go into pre-term labor any time soon.

150 - Should be going home!

Fasting Blood Sugar Level - 130
1 hr. post breakfast Level - 150

Well, well, well below 200. Yeah, I should be going home. Hip Hip Horay!!

And, it wasn't totally carb free either. I woke up at 4 am starving. By the time that 5 am came around, knew there was no way I could wait until breakfast and that I should take the tack I have for the entire pregnancy which is paying attention to my body and what it is tell me and eating when and what it was asking. So, I called for my fasting blood test, then drank a milk and ate an apple and a few almonds figuring that if eating that tipped me over the scale than there were serious issues and I probably shouldn't go home anyway. I tested myself 1 hour after eating that since they considered it a snack and not a meal, but I wanted an idea. I tested at 160. Breakfast came earlier than planned, of which I was happy, because I was still hungry and I ate my ham and cheese omelet and decided to eat my 1 carb yogurt because I was still hungry, it sounded good, and I figured that if a yogurt was going to put me over, again, there were problems anyway.

Now, it is just tick tock, tick tock until around lunch time and Dr. T shows up. I'll try to distract myself and not count every minute, but I'm not making any promises.

Down and NOT Out

The bad news is that I'm here for one more night and I was so ready to go home I could taste it. The other bad news is that the Ffn or is it fFn protein test came back positive.

The good news is that Dr. T is going to come at lunch time and if my sugar level tomorrow after breakfast is under 200, I will be released. I will be doing all in my power to ensure that happens with an all protein no carb breakfast. Manipulative? Maybe, but I choose to think of it as diet control. Dr. T thinks I have done a great job of controlling sugar levels by diet and it hasn't been hard as I have not been eating any differently than I was before. I'm just recording it now and checking sugar levels. So, upon release, as long as my sugar levels stay under 200, no insulin for now. If it starts to go over that, I'm supposed to call. Now, Dr. T said something about not giving me some type of insulin tonight because it would still be in my system tomorrow and I'm not really sure what that meant, but sounds like it may not be in my favor for tomorrow so I'm hoping I misunderstood that part. I really have a good plan for the weekend if I am home, but not such a good one if I'm still here. I better not still be here. I'll deal with if I am, but I'm going to be pissed and scrambling a bit.

In regards to the ffn, Dr. T re- tested it tonight while she was here. She wants to make sure it wasn't a false positive from the vaginal u/s with peri the day before. If it's negative, we will all be happy and I'll be on loose bed rest/just taking it easy and OB visits/monitoring every two weeks with another ffn. If it's positive again, I'll be strict bed rest and on weekly OB visits and hooked up to the monitors to check for contracting. One guess as to what I'm hoping and praying.

It was really hard to hear I'd be here another night. I'll admit a few stray tears. It didn't help that I missed a good call from Max while talking with the doctor, but was able to talk to him before bed. He kept saying "night, night, I love you. I love you. I love you". Okay, getting teary again. Got to stop thinking about that and him and how much I miss him. Even if I did get out tonight I wouldn't have seen him anyway. My sister called to let me know that he went down no fuss no muss, went to sleep with no problem, has not had one tantrum or given them any difficulty and has been a perfect angel for both of them. The prediction is that he will have total melt downs and be terrible once he sees me again. However, as a result, they have both made mental plans to take Max occassionally overnight once the twins are here to give me a break and him some special auntie time. Plus, one of my sisters said she is going to start coming on Friday mornings to help get things done around the house and garden for me. She hasn't been around much and seemed to need her space so I haven't pushed it and truthfully haven't had the energy to reach out and make an effort. I figured it was her loss. I think being around and seeing Max, she realized that and that makes me happy.

As for tonight, no late night steroid shots so I'll hang out and watch the Lakers. A friend is probably going to stop by on her way home from the movies for a bit. I'll ask for the much beloved Ambien (sleep aid early) and hopefully get a half way decent night sleep. Mornings are pretty fast paced with the fasting sugar draw, the breakfast, the one hour post meal blood draw (the biggie that will seal my fate), when they hook me up to monitor the babies and for contractions, and lunch time will be here before I know it. Really, it's not so bad. Just another night in paradise. At least that's what I'm telling myself and I'm only partially believing it.

Hospital Update

Hospitals are very busy places, you know. Friends coming to visit and call. People coming in to drop off and pick up food. Monitoring to be done. Time goes by fast and slow at the same time.

I'm waiting for the OB to walk in at any time and hoping that she says that all looks good, that my sugar levels have been a bit high, but not in the danger phase, and that I'm free to go home as long as I keep monitoring and add insulin on a sliding scale like has been done the last day or two in the hospital.

All and all, it really hasn't been a bad visit. I've been busy and had a lot of social interaction and contact with the outside world. My sister brought Max to visit yesterday and he took it all in stride. He made sure I wasn't hurt and didn't have owies, then had a grand time playing with the buttons on the bed. When it came time to leave, he was fine with a few shark kisses. It really eased my mind that he is fine with my being away and I actually think he is having a grand time with his aunts.

Things are falling into place and I have coverage for this weekend for help with Max, assuming I'm home. And, my cousin changed her flights this afternoon and is coming out on Sunday, June 22nd almost a month ahead of schedule, which will be a big, big help and means I only have to get coverage for 3 more weekend days before she is here. I'm trying to talk to her husband to come out as well for awhile and just work from my home office, which will just really take the pressure off in a lot of ways so my cousin doesn't feel so much pressure to do it all and Max would just love to have Uncle Jim around and Jim would love it as well. Assuming I can keep this babies cooking inside for awhile yet, this actually might turn out to be a fun and rare gift of a summer for both Max and I.

Oddly, or not, I really haven't been stressed out and worried about things, PTL, and delivering early. In my heart of hearts, I feel like I have done all that I can for this pregnancy (including and especially the reduction). I will continue to all I can and feel at this point, what will be will be. I can only control so much and will do all I can, but things are going to turnout as they do.

In the mean time I really feel blessed by the support of friends and family when I needed it. I'm so impressed with my sisters who I wasn't really sure I could count on and they stepped up and in just like I needed them to exactly when I needed them. For my friends who have called and emailed and visited and offered to help with Max. For my friends who have so much going on in their own life that they sent up silent prayers and good thoughts and that was enough. This event has made me realize how large and strong my village has become over the last few years.

My biggest take away from this is how much I am loved by so many people and how great people can be to help out when you really need to help.

And, I've met some wonderful nurses, two of which touched my life a bit and of which I think I touched theirs. One of them who has a friend of a friend who is trying to be an SMC and just failed an IVF cycle. I was able to pass on links and tell her about our strong SMC Village and maybe she will find a village and support system of her own just as strong as she takes her journey. The other who, strangely enough, bonded over many things, but especially recycling bottles and cans. It was killing me to throw them out, the recyclers in me is so strong, and she collects them and donates money to a nurses organization that has adopted and cares for a village of women in Africa and has made a huge difference to the women and children of that village.

Mostly, the last few days has felt like a much needed break. A good time to reconnect with friends and family that I just haven't been able keep up with because it was all I could do to work and keep the necessities going. There are still a few work things I want to catch up with, but I feel relief that things have been turned over and I'm basically off for the duration. I was hoping for another month at least to get through a few things I had going on, but the hospital stay was the trigger needed to say "I'm out".

It hasn't all been sunshine. It's been more like roses with thorns. My back hurts. I've had terrible heart burn. I'm an introvert who likes her space and alone time and I really haven't had much of that (turned off cell phone and had a full hour of peace and rest time with no visitors this afternoon...needed it) in a hospital with people in and out at all hours of the day and night. I'm ready to go home. And, if that's not the message that OB comes with any time now, I'm going to be majorly bummed. But, mostly, I've kind of had a nice fun break in a place where I feel safe and even more sure I'm delivering at the right place. Mostly, I've seen the roses and lived with the thorns and I really love roses ... just come check out my garden sometime and you will see.

Where's Deb?

Where's Deb? And, why hasn't she given us an update yet on her OB appointment? What the heck has she been doing all day, anyway?

Fine questions...

Currently, admitted to the hospital. Hopefully, only for a few days. I asked for another cervix check today and it had gone from 2 to 1.5. Not good. Not good at all. So, we agreed to do the steroid shots to help the babies develop faster, just in case. However, since I have Gestational Diabetes and the steroids mess (apparently big time) with sugar levels, I need to be in the hospital for monitoring. So, here I am. Typing from the hospital bed.

I got here about 8:30 pm after a whirl wind rush to let work know, get someone to watch Max, pack, and such. I just now finished getting admitted and done with all the preliminary things like blood pressure, taking almost 2 hours to get 30 minutes of both babies heart rates "on tape" at the same time, the steroid shot. The staff is great. All rooms are private (with wireless internet). And, if I have to be in a hospital, this is the one I want. Not only does it have the highest level of NICU around, the staff is caring and make things as stress free as possible.

Oh, yeah, on top of a crazy work morning, the OB visit, and the mad arraignments to prep for a hospital stay...today was election day so I had a garage full of workers.

So far, no contractions. Not a one. I'm holding out hope that as long as that continues, I really will only be here a few days and not the duration. That, and the FFN comes back negative. Either way, I'm basically off work. I turned over to my back up today, called my boss, sent out emails letting folks know. I have my work laptop with me as well and will try to tie up a few loose ends and do turnover the next few days with Monday being my official disability leave date. The reason for the delay as soon as you're "out" they take away all your access and I really would like to get a few things cleaned up first.

I'm still hoping that this is all just precautionary and that I make it until August for delivery. I've had too much to get done to get all emotional and worried other than a few minutes on the drive home from the OB's when I started to think about what a difficult road it would be for 28 weekers. They'd probably live, but....it really is still way to early and not the start of life I want for them. I'll do what I have to do to avoid such preemies, but know that I will survice what I have to for my family even if they do come much earlier than planned.

Too Damn Early!!!

Had peri appointment today.

Girl baby is up and transverse, again, as of a few days ago. Boy baby is vortex(?). I asked, is that another way of saying head down and right on pelvic? Answer: Yes.

Cervix back down to 2. Response: Bed rest and horizontal as much as possible.

Good thing I have an OB appointment tomorrow because I'm going to be extra worried until that FFN test comes back predicting...or hopefully not...whether I'll be delivering in the next two weeks.

The good news is that baby's estimated weight are 2.8 lbs and 2.9 lbs, measuring on track, and looking healthy.

The other good news is that since shortening is due to pressure from boy baby and not contractions, bed rest is home bound for now.

The other thing, although no one else has said this for me and I didn't talk to peri about it, is that baby A has been in this position and moved before.

I'm not sure if it is good or bad that he moved back in this morning. I can tell. I could tell first thing this morning since every time I get up I can feel it and it hurts, especially that first step. I'll be waiting with bated breath the results of the FFN test.

The only thing I keep thinking is that it is still too damn early.

That, and, I need to get some weekend help lined up and talk to Noemi about working a bit later/until Max is in bed until further notice.

Mr. Mom

Max was "mommy" today while I was daddy and then "Max". Then, he moved on to being doctor man, orchestra man, (train) engineer, and several other professions.



Look at that smile in the first one. Do you know how rare it is for me to be able to capture a smile of that kid on film?

I changed mid morning so I could put what I was wearing into the laundry and asked Max if he wanted to change as well as he was still in his PJ's. He said, yes, he did and into mommy's shirt. Okay, then...we head off to my room to pick and as I'm offering him choices, he is into another drawer and sure he wants my purple summer PJ's. He had a great time trooping around the house in this all morning, checking himself out in the mirror a few times. And, I do have to say, purple is a good color for him.

He submitted to wearing a diaper during "rest time" (where I rested and he mostly left me alone) at which time he was done fashoning mommy wear and was pretty much naked all afternoon.

With Sunday school being over, we went to Saturday evening service. As such, today...was a rare and glorious day. We had no place we had to be and no one we had to see. In fact, other than talking to a neighbor for a few minutes when out walking the dog this morning, I don't think either one of us talked to anyone else today. It was really nice and I think we both needed it. A few times, Max said "No Mimi today. Just momma and Max?" When I agreed with him, he asked "Where we going?" I said, we don't have plans to go anywhere. Do you want to go someplace? And, his answer was "no". His behavior was much better than (was it?) last weekend? He did a few stunts and is still torturing the dog more than I would like (and got put into time out twice for not listening and being mean to the dog). However, overall, it was really a nice, pleasant, easy going day for us both.

ETA: If you are a type of person who notices the background of pictures, all those runners you see over the tile are because Shadow is very old and can't walk on the tile directly any more without slipping. The current solution to that is those under rug mats that were cheap at Costco.

Tag - Your it.

I was tagged...

Actually, I was tagged a week ago, but heck...I'm pretty much behind on everything these days. I still have calls from February to return; between Noemi and I, we just got Easter decorations down this week (ahead of my personal goal of before June I might add); the only reason I'm mostly current on bills is that I have all regular bills auto pay and went through all paperwork for the extra one off bills was that I didn't want to buy the van until I was sure I didn't have any big surprises I didn't know about. Anyway, as I tell folks IRL, it's nothing personal that I don't respond right away, I only have so much time and energy in any one given day and I have to pace myself.

The rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1) What was I doing ten years ago?

10 Years ago was 1998. I was 32. I moved to Southern California in November 1, 1995 so I had been in my house for about 3 years. I think that was about the time I got my second roommate, Willie (should call and find out how he's doing, haven't seen or talked to him since last fall). He was divorced with two young girls who are now in high school (oh how the time flies) and he wanted to get them a puppy and saw an add in the penny saver and I went with him to pick her out. That dog was Lucky, who really became my dog, the love of my life, who died from complications from cancer two years ago. I still miss her. Getting, loving, training, and taking care of Lucky was probably the biggest stepping stone to me ultimately deciding to become an SMC. She really was a bit of a high maintenance dog looking back now. And, really if she were alive and well, I bet she and Max would not really get along well since they both want and need to be center stage for my attention. Shadow is nice and mellow and puts up with all of Max's shenanigans. Lucky probably would have had a love/hate relationship with him. Although, who knows, she was very protective of him when he was a baby.

2) What are five (non-work) things on my to-do list for today:

Visit with a friend and her family who is in town visiting
Get groceries
Remember to eat on schedule, according to plan, and monitor my glucose levels
Take a nap
Ah, what else?? take care of Max ??, walk the dog?? does that count?

3) Snacks I enjoy:

Usually, my all time favorite snack is chocolate chip cookies. Then, cookies of any type. Now, the thought of them is unappealing. I'm not usually a chip fan, but have eaten them more (like maybe 5 times) since I've been pregnant then ever. With Max it was turkey sandwiches, ice cream and oranges. This time, it has been apples, yogurt, cheese and pickles, and on rare occasion chips.

During pregnancy, really the thought of most foods turn me off and I can't eat things I normally would. I can be hungry and look in the fridge and the cupboards and back to the fridge and just not eat because nothing looks or sounds appealing.

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

Quit work and become a SAHM, and still keep a nanny at least part time or maybe go the opposite and get a live in (see next item about a bigger house)

Move to a bigger house probably in the town most of my close SMC friends live

Get a new dog, probably a puppy since I would have more time to care for him/her with not working and I'd be able to pay for someone else to take up the slack

Travel more (bringing paid help with me so that it actual feels like a vacation) so that we have at least one family trip someplace a year and then a visit to extended family in Michigan for a few weeks a year so that Max and the twins gets to know and grow up with his other cousins.

Buy a boat and a place on a lake, in the mountains, to use as a vacation get away that takes no longer than a few hours to drive.

Donate or set up funds for a few of my causes like infertility (especially single women) and dog rescues.

5) Places I have lived:

As a child thru college:
Saginaw, MI; Traver City, MI; Stockton, CA; Arlington, TX; Camarillo, CA; Fresno, CA;

As an adult thru now:
Farmington Hills, MI; Sterling Heights, MI; Boston, MA; San Francisco, CA; Los Angeles, CA

6) Jobs I have had:

High School (and before) - baby sitter, hostess, waitress, office clerical staff for an insurance agency

College - waitress, aid in a convalescent hospital (night shift), office clerical staff for the same insurance agency as HS during summer, office clerical staff for a fertilizer trucking company

After college - business analyst, computer programmer, team leader, project manager for health care and health insurance IT projects; manager for process and productivity projects; administrative/people care manager; project and program office manager supporting a variety of industries.

7) Peeps I want to know more about:

Tag. Your it.

(Note: Written Friday night to post on Saturday. Because I will be a visiting tomorrow and I've been wanting to test this feature, and heck, it's nice to spread the posts out so there isn't a feast or famine type situation )

GD Monitoring - Day 1

I think day 1 of glucose monitoring went well. I think my highest rating was 167 this morning after having a P&J sandwich with fruit. I was actually told no J, but well it was more of a fruit spread than an actual J so I added a little to see what would happen. The other two readings were about 131 and 136 if I remember correctly...the forms are on the other side of the house and heaven forbid I walk across my small house to go check. Now, when I asked the nurse what range they should be in, she wouldn't tell me until I came back because she didn't want me trying to "game the system" and just wanted me to follow the food plan. However, a quick internet search gave me the information I needed that basically anything under 180 an hour or two after eating is considered good.

The truth is that I'm really just eating like I normally would after feeling so sick last night. I am using the plan as a guide. And, I'm completely out of yogurt and milk so am way behind on dairy today. Well, I'm not really out of milk as there is most of a gallon in there, but it doesn't taste right/I can't drink it. I really need to make it to the store tomorrow to get more.

Anyway, the plan calls for meal, snack, meal, snack, meal snack. At least during the week, but really most often that just doesn't work for me. What works better for me is meal, snack, snack, meal, meal, (middle of the night) snack. Since I work with so many people on the east coast, my work schedule is usually back to back meetings from 9 am to 2 pm PT and I barely get time to pee and grab a snack. I'm just going to do what I can do, keep track of things and see what they have to say when I go back as long as my numbers stay low and under range. My guess is that they are going to get on me more about eating more calories and all the portions and the lack of weight gain than my sugar levels, but as long as the babies are growing and developing on track, I'm not going to worry about that either. The truth of the matter is, I weigh enough and was overweight (really that O word that I really don't like much) to start so I really don't need to gain weight as long as the babies are developing properly. It is already getting hard enough to walk around with pelvic pressure and general comfortablenesses. All that will just be much worse the heavier I get. Now, I'm not purposely trying to keep my weight down, but I'm not complaining that I haven't gained either because truthfully, the less I gain the healthier I think I will be and the easier I think the last few months of this pregnancy will be.

Anyway, while the monitoring is a bit of a pain just because you have to pay a bit more attention to the clock and deal with the whole remembering to test an hour later, but I think it all went fairly well especially since I can't find/don't have the list that shows portion size and what foods go to what category and I'm going from memory. Since I've done WW and Atkins and South Beach and Jenny Craig for that matter over the years, this is really just more of the same so it really isn't that hard. It's just one more thing to do when I'm already tired and busy, but it's fine...all for the cause.