Saturday, June 14, 2008

Looking ahead...

Looking ahead to tomorrow...yes, only until tomorrow...can't look much past that at this time...I'm going to do the hardest thing I've ever done and I've had to do a lot of hard things in my life. I'm going to have to go home without my babies. If it weren't for Max at home who needs me and hasn't seen me, I don't think I could do it. There would probably be some big news story about the crazy lady who refused to leave the hospital. As it is, it is already breaking my heart. The only worse thing I can imagine is loosing your baby while here and knowing you never would get to bring them home. My heart is hurt enough at just the temporary separation. I don't know how the mom's make it through for which that isn't even an option. Leaving without them is wrong on so many levels. Never being able to leave with them is just incomprehensible.*

So, I guess I need to remind myself that I am woman and I am strong. I will get through this. I'm grateful that as long of the road to home will be for my babes, at least it is a road we get to travel. I'm grateful that I have today and tomorrow here, cause the truth of the matter is I really could have physically gone home today, to pop over all day and night for visits and to drop off milk. Still, it's going to take every fiber of my being tomorrow to pack up, check out, and actually get in that car to go.

No one ever said life was easy. Some days are easier than others. Tomorrow is going to be so hard for me I guess I need to start preparing today.

* And, yet, sadly...IRL I know several women who have had to do this (one twice actually) and while I knew it had to be hard for them, my level of understanding is at a whole new level. I really don't know how they survived, but they have. If they can survive that, I can survive my temporary separation. But, surviving and not having your heart broken and being an emotional mess are not the same thing. It is going to take everything I have to walk away.


QuiltingChaos said...

Deb, I can't even begin to imagine how hard tomorrow is going to be for you. I wish there was something I could do.

Nina said...

Debbie, I hope and pray your babies' stay in nicu will be short and uneventful and that in the meantime you recover from surgery both physically and emotionally... Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date and I wanted to name my girl Annika... I also need to make it through my tomorrow.Hugs,Nina