Just don’t know

I sit here on the cusp of New Years Eve with a dab of makeup and curlers in my hair. Not, because I have any hot plans for tonight…don’t have the energy or desire…but, because I’m taking more formal pictures with Max and my niece this afternoon. We were suppose to take them a few days ago, but Max woke up from his nap sick and crying and crabby only wanting mommy, mommy, mommy. One of those days were you change yourself and the kid every few minutes because you get peed on, medicine all over, etc.

I have no resolutions or intention of making any. I usually can’t even remember them come mid-January, let alone actually keep them. Lately, when I wish upon a star or say a small prayer, it is for clarity and peace. Clarity to know if and how my family should become complete and peace with the decisions and my body for failing me on having a second child.

As this day closes, as the year ends, so does the outlier timeframe on my t42 attempts. I knew when I weaned early, it would likely not happen right away, but I thought it would happen. I always wanted two children close together. Two years apart is the biggest age spread that I wanted in “the dream”. And, for that to happen, I would have had to get pregnant this month. Which didn’t happen. I didn’t get to even play the game.

I just don’t know what I want to do next. What I should do next. If anything.

I’ve been thinking that maybe it is just meant to be me and Max.

Then, I think I need to at least give it a few more attempts to see if we can get life into my own ovaries/eggs.

Then, I think about donor egg.

I toss around adoption (which really seems totally overwhelming at this point) would be really the only way I could get a closer age spread at this point.

Each option has pro’s and con’s. I have been thinking about them. Mulling it over.

And still, I have no clear direction. I just don’t know.

What I wanted, I just can’t have, at this point. So, what is the next step? I just don’t know and wish I did. I’m a big planner. I like to have plans inside of plans. Having no real plan or direction is very hard for me.

I had some CM (cervical mucus) the other day. At first I thought it was my imagination. But, the next day it was clearly there. Since I am now on cd31 with no period, it is possible that I had a late ovulation. Of course, the clinic was closed for the holiday weekend. I may get a progesterone test a week from Monday just to see what it shows. If I ovulated. If my ovaries are functioning.

The thing is, since I’m not pregnant and there is nothing in site, I feel pressure to make other decisions like whether to put Max in out of the house day care. I feel like he is ready for a change and more stimulation, but like the control and convenience of having Noemi come.

There seem to be too many decisions. And, I seem incapable of making any concrete ones right now. So, by default, I am making the decision to stay the course a bit longer and see what happens.

And, wish for peace and clarity. And, pray for clarity and peace. And, vow to try not to control that which can’t be controlled.

Maybe I will drink one of those bottles of Champagne (a very good one) tonight after I put Max down, get a little toasty, have an early night and wish myself Happy New Year! Or, maybe I will just do the same ole’ same ole’ after I put him down. See can’t even make a fricken decision about that. I’m a lot of things, but indecisive is not usually one of them.

Happy New Year! May next year be the best year ever for us all. Please, god, please?

Merry Christmas 2006

Pictures from earlier in the month of our tree and decorations.


Christmas Tree


Christmas Decorations

Pictures from Christmas morning/day.


Momma and Max in our Christmas PJ's and the presents from Santa.


Max in Christmas PJ's playing with present from Santa.


Max playing with other present from Santa (mat) and football from his Aunt Kris.


Max in his new Charger outfit, playing basket ball (at 16 months).


Max "playing" basketball.


Max making a basket (with Momma's help) in his new basketball hoop.

We had a very nice and relaxing Christmas. It was a small gathering with just my mom and youngest sister Kris spending the day with us. Max has been totally into basketball since I took him to a high school JV game a few weeks ago to see a team that a friends sister coaches. He will turn on and change the channel on the TV to find a game; run to find our basket ball, and keep saying to the TV “basket ball”.. He will point out basket ball courts and hoops when driving. He will now, want to run up and down the court when we go to a park that has them. He also likes football, will turn on a football game, get his football, and say “football”. He can play for 20 minutes with a tennis ball. When we go on walks, if we pass a lemon or orange tree, he will want you to pick one for him, and when you give it to him, he will say, ‘ball”. He loves all balls, but his current favorite is basket ball. I mentioned to my youngest sister, who used to be a professional soccer play and very into sports that Max could use a smaller size basketball for Christmas since we only had “my” official adult size one. She went all out and got him a hoop, 3 different size basketballs, and a small soccer and football that came with the smallest basketball (seen featured in these pictures). He liked the presents from Santa (the wooden cube and the mat), but loved the balls and the hoop.

Max really had no interest in opening the presents or in the presents themselves until they were already open. We opened a few family gifts on Christmas eve, the gifts from Santa (which weren’t wrapped) and gifts from friends/relatives in the morning, and then a few more later in the morning. Max seemed a bit overwhelmed by everything at a certain point and would play with the “old” familiar toys (other than the balls) until later today after they had sat around the house for awhile. I actually held back a few gifts from me that I will give to him at a later time because it is just so much. He got a sit-n-spin, a 3-1 toddler basketball, a little people ship, a little people farm, several books, a little tikes tool box (from me), on top of the presents from my sister and Santa. I have no idea where I am going to put all of this stuff. I think tomorrow, I will put some of it away for awhile and rotate through a new one every week for awhile to make it not so overwhelming for us both.

In ovary news, my ovaries really felt like they may burst on Christmas eve, but feels like things are subsiding now. So, possibly, I did have some follicles grow and ovulated, otherwise, I don’t really know what it could have been. Too bad, the timing was so off that I couldn’t get in for an u/s to see what was going on there.

We had a nice breakfast of sausage, bacon, eggs, and fruit. Then, snacked the rest of the day and had left overs tonight. So, no big cooking or clean up. Thank goodness, because it was enough as it was dishes wise on top of all of the wrapping paper, boxes, and stuff. Anyway, all and all, it was a very nice Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


ps. In some of these pictures, can you believe that Max is only 16 months?

Getting into the spirit

I’m starting to get into the spirit of the holiday over here. I realized last night after I posted that I had been carrying around a lot of toxic, negative thoughts for awhile and getting them out has helped. My ovaries, especially my left, are still really sore, but I have decided just to wait until next week to email/call if they are still bugging me.

I’m almost ready for Christmas, I have three more gifts (ornaments) to order for my sisters kids, but have already told her they won’t get there by Christmas and they do have another present from me under the tree. I have picked them out, but just need to order them. I started getting them each an ornament every year since they were born and have been regretting it the last year or two, sigh, but can’t really stop now, can I?

My mom is here and has at least tried to help. I told her last night after Max was down that this was the time of night that it was really hard for me to have company and to not be crabby. I told her that I needed some “me” time along with an early bed time since I am up so early. So, I (mostly) don’t feel guilty for ignoring her for the last hour while I caught up on the computer, did a load of laundry, picked up the house, fed the animals, loaded and set the dishwasher, etc.

A friend told me that a local grocery story had a Christmas dinner special that was pretty good, except for the stuffing, so I ordered us one. However, they didn’t have any at that store so we have to pick it up about 20 minutes away. My mom and niece are going to do that tomorrow for me. For $50 you get a turkey, mash potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauces, green bean casserole, and a pie. It is supposed to feed between 6 – 8. Everyone coming is fine/thrilled with it so we are not stressed, in the kitchen, and have time to relax. My sister who is not here was horrified. I said, yeah, well if you were here, you would either make a nice meal or at least help. Took a lot of pressure off.

Finally, I am kind of looking forward to the holiday. It just seems like so much really sucky stuff has happened lately. Christmas is usually my favorite holiday and it has just seem like such a chore and that I was “checking things off the list” rather than enjoying the season like I normally do.

I can finally say MERRY CHRISTMAS and mean it.

On my mind

I should be wrapping Christmas presents, but instead I’m making my way through a bag of peanut M&M’s. I’ve been doing really great with not eating junk lately because I haven’t had any in the house, have resisted buying any while at the store and declined most holiday social gatherings because I haven’t had time and haven’t felt like trying to get a sitter. But, the M&M’s screamed at me while I was out doing last minute shopping.

I could also be trying to get my sister and my cousins new address, but really I don’t feel like it at this moment. Max is napping. Noemi is cleaning. My mom is headed over for the weekend. So, I’m going to enjoy my quite ‘me’ time while it lasts.

Some things that have been on my mind….

I’ve never been a nervous driver. Even when I first started driving, I was confident and did well with it. Since Dr. N died, I’m more contentious and thoughtful and just a tad nervous. Not that I think it really shows or anyone else would notice, but I do inside of me. I haven’t been driving in the far left lane or car pool lane most of the time because a friend told me that she saw or read something that said that the number one thing you can do to prevent a death (not including diet, exercise, etc.) was to not drive in the far left lane. Plus, I see these people driving, like this morning when I was running some errands, taking all kinds of foolish risks. Running red lights. Blowing through stop signs. Pulling out in front of people. I won’t even talk about the parking lot behavior. I just want to stop them and tell them to slow down, be more cautious, if not for themselves, then for others. Yet, I know that it would really do no good, because, you know, they are in a hurry, think they are beyond the rules or good rood etiquette. Really, I just see this behavior and it makes me sad.

I’m feeling kind of lost ttc wise. I always loved going to my clinic and emailing Dr. N and running theories and plans inside of plans by him. Especially since my consult with Dr. A, I don’t really feel like “I” have a doctor that is mine. Seems Dr. A and Dr. Q are going to jointly take me on. Probably it is best in the long run, but is leaving me feeling kind of lost right now. I want someone to tell me why they think my ovaries are sore. Not sure if I should email one or the other or both and figure they are just so busy right now they don’t have time for little ole me. It has crossed my mind to try to start fresh someplace else with a new clinic/RE, but I think it is too late in the game for that for me. Who would want to take on my case at this point? Plus, I don’t want some RE trying to tell me what to do. I want final say, which I will have where I am at. For example, doing dex with an IUI cycle. I don’t want someone telling me it is hopeless and they won’t take me on and I don’t want someone to just blindly have to follow some RE’s orders.

Did I mention that I have to be out of town for 4 days in the middle of January for work? I’ve been worrying and trying not to worry about this. Two friends said they would watch Max for me. My sister said that she would do it, which would be more ideal because then Max would be in his own house in his own bed at night, but only if her daughter still wasn’t living here at the time. I have a lot of thoughts, mostly ill will ones towards my sister on that. I just can’t imagine getting to a point that I would feel that uncomfortable or have that much animosity towards one of my children. It is really sad.

My sister, her husband, and her youngest daughter are in Seattle this year for Christmas visiting her husbands family. Her other daughter was not invited and will be spending Christmas here. Can you imagine? I know N is very hurt by this, who wouldn’t be. It just makes me so sad and angry. They do talk on the phone occasionally, but are not really communicating. My sister dropped off a bunch of presents the other day before she left, a lot for N. N told her that she didn’t really want any presents and would rather they talk and work things out. My sister didn’t, wouldn’t, and doesn’t get it and why N would be upset by the hypocrisy. Staying out of it has been hard, but I have so far. I’m just trying to give N as much love and support and family as I can right now.

I told Noemi the other day about my work trip in January and how I didn’t know who was going to watch Max; either my sister or one of my friends (who her cousin works for several days a week and Noemi knows well). Noemi came back the next day and told me she talked to her husband and that if my sister can’t stay, she would be happy to stay over night, for no extra money, because she loves Max and it will be better for him. We can both see him crying and not sleeping well and having a hard time adjusting. If my sister can’t/won’t stay, I probably will take Noemi up on that and I will pay her extra.

Of course, she tells me this right after I had been thinking petty thoughts about how I hate it when she leaves Max’s excersaucer on Shadow’s bed when she does the floor every day, or how she piles all my shoes/slippers up so I have to dig through them to find what I want, or how she touches and rearranges my bath towels every day. I know, I know, I should probably just tell her, BUT, I know it is just so stupid and petty that I can’t bring myself to even try to say the words. And, she really is good with and does love Max.

I have been very stupid financially lately. I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t gotten to my bills in a timely manner, haven’t balanced things, etc. and I have made some stupid mistakes that have cost me money. For example, with a late fee and a higher interest rate on one of my cards. Or, when I paid almost $600 to the gas company instead of the electric company. These are just a few of several. I keep trying to tell myself to give me a break, it hasn’t been the easiest few months and in the whole scheme of things. But, it is just such a waste of money. It makes me mad at myself. With all of the extra Christmas stuff, money is tighter than I like right now and than it has been in a long time.

I really want to send some money in memory of Dr. N to their children’s education fund, but can’t swing the amount I would like to donate ($500) right now. I’ve thought about doing less now and more later, but have decided to wait until January or early February. I just get the impression that money is an issue for Dr. P now that Dr. N has passed. And, I want to help if I can.

There is this radio station here that is granting Christmas Wishes. People call up and leave a message and they with the help of sponsors are donating gift cards and groceries and stuff to help some less fortunate for Christmas. I have thought about calling up and leaving a Christmas wish for Dr. P and the kids, but haven’t because I am not sure if it would be overstepping my bounds or if it would be welcome or what. Probably, things aren’t desperate for her, but I just get a strong feeling like money is going to be a huge issue and I know all too well how money trouble sucks and the weight that could cause on top of her grief. I just know how much I miss Dr. N and how badly I feel and it has to be nothing compared to that of his family. I can’t get them off my mind for long.

I ran out of Christmas cards. I should have ordered at least 5 or 10 more. Oh well, too late now. I guess I will just forgo sending the rest or send an email proof of the card. How tacky!

It has been cold and damp. Shadow still wants to “go” but is struggling a bit. I’ve been giving her pain meds every day recently to try and help her discomfort. She is having a hard time getting in and out of the car even with the twist step I have so this morning I put the carpets stairs that we use at home in the back of the car with her and took it with us so we could go see the ducks like we do most Friday mornings. Yesterday, we just walked around the neighborhood in the morning instead of going to a park. It was cold (34 degrees F) and the ground was icy and frosty. We were about ¾ of the way and Max sat down on someone’s lawn to rest. Shadow laid down next to him and Max scooted over and gave Shadow a big lay on top of you hug with a big smile. Shadow is so great with him even though it has to hurt her when he climbs over and on or tries to ride her. I keep telling myself she has had a long (16 years) well lived life, but I am not ready to loose her. She has slipped a few times on the tile floor in the house and will stand and sure herself up if she needs to leave the carpet to go onto the tile now. I’m not ready to loose her.

I felt slightly guilty after Max and Noemi left this morning about Max potentially having Chicken Pox and that I shouldn’t have let them go, but I really don’t think it is Chicken Pox and he is feeling fine and really needed to leave the house for a bit today. The truth is I didn’t really even think about it until after they were gone, but probably would have let them go anyway if I had. I remember complaining awhile back about people taking their kids out sick and how inconsiderate that is, and now I am potentially one of those people. Sigh.

There are probably a few other random thoughts I have been thinking about and need to get off my chest before going into the holiday weekend, one where my mom will be spending here with me testing my patients and good will, but I think I got all the big ticket items and worries out.

Now, back to completing the tasks at hand.

Mystery Rash

To quote myself…(after correcting a grammer error because while I am too lazy to go fix it in the original post, I can't just leave it wrong if I am going to repost it as a quote)

Max has red marks all over him and will scratch himself raw (made his leg bleed the other day) when you take his clothes off. Trying to determine if this is a problem, an allergy, or something I should be concerned with. He is totally fine when fully clothed.

Max had an appointment this afternoon for his second flu shot. Rather than just pulling up his sleeve, the nurse wanted me to undress him. When I did, the first thing he did was start scratching** so I made an off handed comment to the nurse about the rash and whether I should be concerned with it or not. She took a look and then went and got another nurse, I think the head nurse, to look at it. She felt like a doctor needed to look at it prior to Max getting his flu shot, so we waited for a doctor. The doctor came in and took a look and wanted to have another doctor take a look at it. The other doctor came and took a look. Then, the two doctors left the room to discuss.

And, it is a mystery. Probably, a viral rash following the stomach virus or the cold/cough thing we got after than. Possibly, a weird chicken pox outbreak even though Max had the chicken pox vacine less than 6 months ago.* Potential bug bites or an allergy to laundry detergent or some other allergy.

If it is gone by Christmas, it is a viral rash.

If it comes and goes every 3 – 4 days for the next two weeks, it is Chicken Pox.

If it lingers, it is likely an allergy.

I’m ruling out bug bites, because there is no way the house or pets are infected with bugs. Not only do I keep them on flea/tick medicine, I have someone come once a month to spray. And, I am obsessive about bugs not being in the house. I would notice if they were in Max’s bed. Plus, no one else in the house (me) has been affected.

Bottom line, nothing really to worry about other than potentially affecting other people if it is the Chicken Pox. The doctor was really sweet and very concerned about our holiday plans. I told him they were limited as we are staying home and everyone coming has already had the Chicken Pox.

Treatment? Keep him lathered up in lotion and/or put hydrocortzone on the welts and watch it. It it is still problematic over time, I’ll let them know.

So, we didn’t get out of there until late. Got home 40 minutes after Max’s usual dinner time with him only fussing at the beginning of the ride home. Walked the dog letting Max walk most of the way since he hadn’t had much chance since I put him in the car to leave for his appointment right after he woke up from his nap. We bypassed bath and books tonight making to to bed only 15 – 20 minutes late.

Since it was so late, I did not call or stop by my RE’s office, which is right near Max’s pediatrians office to show Max off or beg for another u/s just to make sure that my ovaries were still not responding. I have been having some pressure in my ovary area (mostly left) that I am slightly worried about, especially if I am not producing any follicles.

Which reminds me of an intersting tid bit I learned in my consult with Dr. A the other day. Even if you are on birth control pills, your body still recrutes follicles which are obsorbed (?) instead of being ovulated. Thus, your FSH would not be falsly low if say…you were on BCP’s for 20 years or so…like I was prior to ttc’ing. Dr. A said, that since my FSH was so low, he thought there was something else going on and that it was not menopause or ovarian decensitization (which I don’t really understand yet at this point) because both are associated with an elevated FSH of which I do not have. Even if my Inhibin B is so low.

* I told the doctor that I thought you typically had a fever when you had the Chicken Pox. He said, yes typically, but that is not always true when a person has previously had the vacine. And, Max did have a fever the other day.

** I guess I should note that Max often has skin abnormalities for lack of a better word since his skin is so fair. So, it is not unusual for him to have bumps or rashes that come and go, but they have never been itchy. And, I guess it is the itchiness that makes the difference and was a cause for closer scrutiny.

Feeling better – mostly

Horrible, horrible headache is gone and am only left with mild, low grade headache. May or may not have a tooth infection. Cough is almost gone. Back is sore. Stress related and out of alignment I’m sure. Spent almost entire day sorting through papers, paying bills, filing, balancing my checking account (which hadn’t been done since September). Almost finished, only have to balance my Amex for the last few months and file a few more things.

Attempted to make Caramelized Pears from this Simply Slow Cooking cookbook this morning in between paying bills. I followed the recipe exactly or so I thought, but something went horribly wrong. The sauce caramelized so much that everything is stuck solid, including the spoon, to the dish. Sigh. They looked really good too (in the book).

Told myself that once Max went down I would rally and work on Christmas Cards tonight and wrapping tomorrow night. And, I’m too tired. Think I will go feed the animals, medicate Shadow, pick up a bit, and go climb in bed with a book.

Max has red marks all over him self and will scratch himself raw (made his leg bleed the other day) when you take his clothes off. Trying to determine if this is a problem, an allergy, or something I should be concerned with. He is totally fine when fully clothed.

After the first night of boycott, he has been doing great in the sleep sacks. If fact, he seems to sleep a bit longer when in them, especially at nap time. Went down at noon and slept until I went in his room at 3:45 pm today. Yesterday, I didn’t put him in one at nap time and he woke up at 2:15ish. The day before I did and he slept until 3:40 when I went in his room. So, sleep has been good (hope I don’t jinx myself), but his eating has slowed. Last night he really only ate fruit (forget what he was offered). Tonight he only ate noodles and fruit and left his peas and beef tips alone. Hmmm. Not really worried about the eating because he does go through fazes and was eating an unbelievable amount of food last week and the week before except for the few days his tummy was off with the vomit and diarrhea.

Still have a lot of thoughts about Dr. N and Dr. P and their family/kids and my consult with Dr. A and what to do for a next cycle rolling around in my brain. Just don’t have the energy or wherewithal to get into it right now.

I guess I’m hosting Christmas eve, which I am actually very happy about since I think it will be easiest in the long run, but this means that I need to decide what to cook and get it ready. I think I will call Honey Baked and reserve a ham and some trimmings and serve that and have left overs for Christmas day.

Trying not to think about everything that needs to get done in preparation for Christmas and work. I still haven’t written any more reviews. I think I have 5 or 6 out of 45 ish done. Yikes. Although, I have been checking email and doing some follow up as needed there since I really don’t have a back up since everyone is out. I am feeling some stress, but not enough stress to actually work on anything right now. Ta ta. Off to finish my “must do” chores and to bed.

Depressed

All and all, I think I am a tad bit depressed. I had my consult with Dr. A today. I started crying when he told me that, in not so many words, I was (one of) Dr. N’s favorite patients and that he looked at me more like a friend than a patient. Today, was Dr. N and Dr. P’s wedding anniversary. Dr. A said when he talked to Dr. P last night, she wasn’t doing so well and that he was going to take dinner over to her and the kids tonight. I so wish there was something I could do to make that whole situation better. I still miss Dr. N so much and have so much empathy for Dr. P. God, it just sucks!

In an odd state of events, I was talking to a friend over the weekend who has a friend who is the roommate to Dr. P’s office manager (talk about 6 degrees of separation). And, they said, that it was a couple who were having an argument that hit Dr. N; that, they are being prosecuted for manslaughter. Both of them. I don’t know them or their situation, but it just still feels so wrong and so tragic.

--- Interrupted hours ago by the phone and a visit from my sister. Feeling very sick. Horrible headache that, along with a stuffy nose/drainage is making be very nauseous. I’m sure the two margarita lunch isn’t helping. Rather than waiting to post. I’m going to stop now and post more tomorrow or later in the week. ---

Other than to say, consult went basically fine. Dr. A hadn’t looked at my chart yet. Said he would and will get back to me.

Still Nothing

When I woke up yesterday (at 4 am, with Max sleeping until 5:20), I thought I felt some ovarian pressure. I decided to wait until today and see if I still felt it, which I do. So, I called and went in for an u/s today. Sadly, still nothing. Not one measly follicle. Probably just as well since my lining sucked anyway (only 6.5 on cd 12). Hmm, I wonder what I am feeling then. I’m glad I went in instead of worrying and wondering, but it made me sad all over again. As I told one of the office staff, I’m even getting cancelled from IUI’s now.

I’m just feeling a little lost in the ttc arena. I really don’t know what to do next. I have a consult next week with both Dr. Q and Dr. A. I guess I will see what they have to say.

I received a really nice email from Dr. Q after my email to him and we exchanged several emails over the weekend because he misunderstood my first one thinking I wanted to change me care to Dr. A instead of just going to him for a consult. I think all is fine there, but I think I make him uncomfortable now. Sigh. And, he probably thinks I am a total nutcase for coming in today, but I am fine with that. I’m glad I went. Sad my ovaries are such , but glad I confirmed it instead of just wondering.

On the work front, still very behind. According to my own schedule, I should have 28 reviews written by the end of today. I currently have 0 done, but read through and started prepping for 5 or 6 of them. I guess I am resigned to working during my vacation so not feeling all that motivated.

Max has had an elevated temperature a few times this week and has some new teeth. We had a really difficult afternoon yesterday because he refused to nap and Noemi let him scream for over an hour while I was on a work call. They are gone now and he was still awake when I left for my RE appointment, but hope things went better and that he actually slept a bit.

I think I will scrap work for the day and go lay in bed and read for an hour. If I tried really hard, I could probably get 2 reviews written, but I really don’t feel like it.

ETA: Wasted the hour on the computer. And, Max and Noemi are back and she confirmed another day of no nap. At least he is not fussy and screaming today over it.

First Email to new RE

Subject: Cancelled Cycle Follow Up

Dr. Q -

I'm not sure if you remember me or not since you have had so many new patients thrown at you all at once and are mid-cycle, but I was a long time patient of Dr. N's and my latest cycle attempt (modified estrogen priming/6 weeks, 4 amps Gonal F, IUI) was cancelled Wednesday due to non-response. Since this is my second cycle in a row cancelled for non-response, I know this does not bode well for having another genetic child, but I am not ready to give up yet. I would be interested in knowing how you think I should proceed for another attempt with my own eggs in an effort to get these ovaries to go back to being a poor responder, instead of their current completely non-responsive state. I would be particularly interested in hearing more about ovary sensitization (?) that you briefly mentioned during the u/s. I have an idea of how I would like to proceed, but would like to get your opinion. Let me know if you would prefer me to set up a consult to review/discuss instead of doing it through email. I have also set up a consult with Dr. A for later in the month to get his opinion before I make a final decision. I have attached an excel cycle history chart that I maintain for myself that summarizes my ttc attempts in 2 pages that you may find helpful. I have copied it below in case you don't have excel, but it reads/lines up/prints better from excel.

On another note, you said something that I found quite hurtful after the exam on Wednesday that I just wanted to mention for awareness. I truly know that it wasn't intended as such, but when you mentioned that you know many women who would give anything to be in my position (or something like that) because of my son, it really stung especially because with 2 cancelled cycles in a row for no response, after 6 weeks of estrogen priming which was probably my best shot at having another genetic child, the reality is that likely no matter what I try next my ovaries are done. Studies have shown that secondary infertility can be just as emotional and stressful as primary infertility. The whole process is just so hard and regardless if someone is struggling to have their first child, a second child, or a fifth child to make/complete their family it is still exceedingly difficult when it doesn't work. I actually agree with you that many women still trying to have their first do feel that way, not understanding that it isn't any easier (and in some ways can actually be harder and more stressful) after successfully having a child if you so desire to have another. Because I have been in their shoes (Max truly was a miracles child if you look at the cycle he was conceived), I am very conscious of when and how I talk about my son to my many friends who are still trying unsuccessfully to have their first or who have decided, at least for now, to live child free. My ideal family size, in a perfect world, would be 3 children. I weaned my son early and have been trying for a second child for over 9 months now in an attempt to build my family before it was too late and getting cancelled on Wednesday means my dream for my family will probably never happen and future attempt are more to get me emotionally ready to move on. Comparing my pain or situation to anyone at that time seemed to invalidate my feelings, especially on top of the loss of Dr. N who was just so special to me, when I was trying (had personally vowed) not to cry during the visit even if I was cancelled as I feared I would be. Again, I truly know that is not how you intended it and that you are under extreme stress right now, but I wanted to mention it. I hold no grudge and am letting it go now that I have told you how the comment made be feel. I look forward to working with you again soon.

Deb Cycle History Summary Chart

Cycle 1 Date: April 2004
Cycle Day 10 13 15 17 18
Right 8 12 17 19 10
Left 9, 7 13, 13, 9 18, 16, 7 18, 15, 9 23, 20
Lining 9.8 9.7 10.1 9.9
Protocol Clomid, No Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 17, IUI cd18
Result Negative

Cycle 2 Date: June 2004
Cycle Day 9 13 15
Right 12 18 ?
Left 10, 8 14, 12 ?
Lining 5 9.6 ?
Protocol Clomid, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 15
Result Pregnant, M/C

< August 2004 Myomectomy>

Cycle 3 Date: September 2004
Cycle Day 9 11 13
Right 13, 11 15
Left 16, 10, 9 20, 14 23, 18
Lining 8.14 9.1 9.3
Protocol 2 amps Repronex/Pergonal, Viagra, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 13
Result Negative

Cycle 4 Date: December 2004
Cycle Day 9 11
Right
Left 24, 16, 13, 12, 10 27, 16
Lining 8.44 ?
Protocol L5
Procedure IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd11
Result Pregnant, Max

Cycle 5 Date: April 2006
Cycle Day 5 7 9
Right
Left 12, 11, 8 17, 13, 10 21, 10
Lining 5 9.6 10.2
Protocol Natural, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 12
Result Negative

Cycle 6 Date: May 2006
Cycle Day 8 11 13 16
Right
Left 13. 8, 8 18,12, 11, 9, 7 22, 15, 12, 12, 10, 9 30, 20, 16, 16, 14
Lining 9 11.1 12.2
Protocol 2 amps Gonal F, 1 amp Repronex
Procedure IUI cd 16
Result Pregnant, M/C

Cycle 7 Date: July 2006
Cycle Day 2 5 9 10 12
Right 6 preantral 9
Left 6 preantral 11, 7, 6 18, 13, 8 20, 16, 10 25, 17
Lining 2.4 ? 9.5 11 11.3
Protocol A8 Follistim/Repronex
Procedure IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd12
Result Negative

Cycle 8 Date: September 2006
Cycle Day 2 9
Right
Left
Lining
Protocol ? 4 amps Gonal F, alt 1 amp Repronex @ day 3 every other day; ? dex
Procedure IUI, cd 9 CANCELLED NO RESPONSE
Result n/a

< October 2006 Lap, remove gallbladder, appendix, small cyst on left ovary drained>

Cycle 9 Date: September 2006
Cycle Day 2 9
Right
Left
Lining
Protocol modified estrogen priming; 4 amps Gonal F, alt 1 amp Menopur @ day 3 every other day; dex
Procedure IUI, cd 9 CANCELLED NO RESPONSE
Result n/a


Hormones/Tests:
FSH - cd 2/3, 5.5 - 6.5
Inhibin B - 7
Progesterone - 7 dpo, 7 - 12 with 400 mg sups
Immunity Testing - Fine
Fluid u/s - Fibroids

Cancelled.

Cancelled. Due to no response. Zero. Zip. Nada. Again.

In a Funk

First, let me say that I am feeling significantly better today. I think it really was a 24 hour type thing because I woke about 3 am Sunday night feeling crappy and about 2:30* this morning feeling much better. I still have some diarrhea and haven’t felt like eating much (3/4 of an egg McMuffin and a bowl of noodles), but much better than yesterday.

Yet, I have wasted so much time today that I don’t have to waste. I’m kind of pissed and disappointed in myself here. I am only hurting myself since the more I procrastinate the worse it is going to get, but I am just not motivated to do things that just absolutely have to get done by the end of the year. If I don’t get them done in the next two weeks, I will just have to do them when I am on vacation. Other people are counting on me. Yet, today, I didn’t start work until 9:30…needed to fix the vacuum since the part came in the mail yesterday and the cleaning lady came today (saved several hundred dollars, almost makes up for the washing the cell phone thing..sigh). And, then, I spent several hours surfing the net.

I have decided I am in a funk. Can’t seem to concentrate. Don’t feel like doing it. Maybe it is short term depression like thing because I have felt like crying on and off all day. Maybe it is the hormones, lack of sleep, desire to be an independently SAHM, blah, blah, blah.

Tomorrow, I vow to be better. The only problem with tomorrow is that I have meetings straight from 9 am – 12:30 pm and then need to leave at 2 pm for my RE appointment so that doesn’t leave much time to actually work. On Monday, I had to average writing 4 annual performance reviews to get them completed prior to vacation. This means I should have 8 done, when I actually have 0 done.

Enough whining. I am going to just wrap up for the day and promise to do better tomorrow.

As to Max, he decided he wasn't going to take a nap today, no how, no way, and we couldn't make him. After 90 min. in his crib, we freed him, but that means he will need to go to bed early and it likely will be an early morning with a waking or two tonight as a result. Sigh. Good thing most days, I don't mind little sleep and usually, Max isn't the cause.

* Only dozing between 5 am – 5:30 am when Max woke up. Damn, I kept telling myself just to get up and work instead of trying to go back to sleep, but no, I just laid there wasting time.

“The” Bug

Yes, I now have the stomach bug that Max has had and I am not amused. Feel like crap. Still worked most of the day, except for those few times I just had to lay down and the trips to the bathroom. Max, of course, is feeling great today. He was thrilled that Noemi was back since all I did most of the morning was lay on the couch while he watched TV, except for a 30 min. walk around the neighborhood and the 20 minutes I let him crawl and climb around the car (hey, I was desperate). When he had enough TV he started pulling the blanket off me while I was on the couch. Where does he get this stuff? I didn’t have the energy to fight with him about it. And, just said, okay, fine, I guess momma doesn’t get a blanket. I think that was the first time he saw me on the couch and he wasn’t amused since he was now feeling better and ready to go. Poor Momma (don’t mind me, just feeling a tad sorry for myself right now). Saltines and 7-up helped to settle things a bit, but I’m just so tired and feeling so icky. And, didn’t get half of what I needed to do today at work. Sigh. Guess I will be working during my next vacation unless I pick up the pace, but I just couldn’t do it today. Think I will go rest before Max gets back so I can rally the last few hours of the day with him.

Crappy Week

All and all, it has been a crappy week. Of course, it could have been worse. I could have also had to work this week instead of being on vacation. That was a silver lining in the dark clouds this week. If only….I could be a stay at home mom. Sigh, anyway….

1) Dr. N’s death tops the list on the bad scale this week. The service was nice and I’m glad I went. There were hundreds and hundreds in attendance. It filled the entire ballroom at a Ritz Carlton hotel. I always knew that Dr. N and Dr. P had a really great marriage and that came across clearly during the service. I’m sure that will make things all the harder for her in the days to come. Probably, the most touching was when the older kids read letters they had written to their daddy. I can cry all over again thinking about it. They both said how much they missed him and wished he could be there for Christmas. I’ve been thinking about how after the shock and horror have passed that my life goes on almost as normal from a day in and day out perspective; and how hard it was when I lost Lucky last year. There family will never be the same again. I can only imagine how hard things will be emotionally, financially, physically, and logistically. Four kids with the youngest of them less than a week old. Dr. P is an OB. She delivered Max. Max was born at 11:01 pm. From a day to day perspective, her life just got exponentially harder and she will be doing it without the support of the person she needed it most from. I’ve just been hoping and praying that God (or whatever higher being a person may believe in) gives the family the strength and resources needed to cope.
2) Max has been sick. He had that vomit episode Thursday night/Friday morning sometime and other than being a little less active, not eating much, and loose stool, he was basically fine. Then, last night he vomited again. He woke up at 4 ish and I brought him into bed with me (first time in a long long time I have tried that) with some milk. He sucked that down and we both dozed until 6 am. He was really off all day today. Didn’t eat anything. Wouldn’t drink anything. Finally, my niece ran to the store for me and picked up some saltines (without the salt), popsicles, animal crackers and pedialite. I cooked a potato. And, that’s what he had for dinner. A small taste of each with everything rejected except the saltines of which he had maybe 1. I know they say no milk with a tummy upset, but really it was the only thing he wanted. Actually, he went to the fridge, fussed until I opened the door, touched the milk, and said, “ba ba”. Hey, I can take a hint. I gave him 4 oz. around 6 pm and another 6 oz. when I put him to bed around 7 and he drank it all. We will see how tonight does. He has been off bottles for months now unless I want him to have some Tylenol, but figured he was sick and I was going to give the kid what he wanted after not really eating much of anything for days. When I was washing the bottle, I saw that he had bit off, entirely, the top of the nipple. I sure hope he didn’t swallow it cause that can’t be good for the tummy, period, let alone an already upset one.
3) I was going through a stack of bills and saw a disconnect notice for the electric company. Apparently, I paid the gas company an extra $600 this month. So, I had to pay another $600 to the electric company. I hate when I do dumb ass stuff like that. This was just not a good month for that type of screw up. I just paid over $1200 for the meds for this cycle, need extra cash for holiday bonuses for Noemi and Anna (cleaning lady), Christmas presents, etc.
4) I washed my cell phone in a load of laundry last night. I discovered this when I heard something thumping around in the dryer that shouldn’t have been. Several hundred dollars, I now have a new phone, but lost an hour of my time and all of my phone numbers. I really, really hate when I do stupid shit like this. It is just a f’ing waste of money. I seriously thought about not replacing it right way, but got it for safety reasons and for being able to check in on Max when away from him.
5) The vacuum broke earlier in the week. After a trip to the repair shop, they guy and I figured it was something I could fix myself. Not only will this option save me several hundred dollars, but the part should be here faster than if I had to send the vacuum out. Ultimately, this wasn’t a major deal, just an huge inconvenience of being without a vacuum with a toddler.
6) Moving off of the money stuff, I have been having an icky, bloody cycle. I kid you not. On Friday, I went through over 6 panties and pants/shorts because of leakage. Major leakage. On Saturday, I think it was only 2. This was using double pads (under the category of TMI, I can’t use tampons because I start getting all the symptoms of toxic shock, probably because of how clotty my periods are). I found out I was leaking by sitting on the ottoman of Max’s rocker, which is fabric. As careful as I was, I did this not once, but twice damn it! Between Max’s vomiting and diarrhea and me bleeding all over everything. I have been cleaning up one mess after another and doing so much laundry.

The thing is, days and weeks like this make me more determined not to get bent out of shape over mistakes and life’s hurdles. Yes, I did have to talk myself out of bursting into tears over the phone and to give myself a break for the mistake over the eclectic bill. It may not work for everyone, but self talk can work for me. It did today.

The week wasn’t all bad. I didn’t have to work and got to spend lots of extra time with Max. Most mornings these last two weeks, I met a friend (who is a SAHM that I don’t get to see much these days) and her kids at the park and we got brief conversations in while chasing, playing with, and refereeing the kids. My nurse coordinator gave me a box of Menopur (5 vials) saving me several hundred dollars on meds. I got a cell phone that has that blue chip headset, which I am hoping will work better than other ones that I last less than a week and never worked well, so I can be hands free and presumably safer when I drive. I’m blessed with my son and my health (haven’t gotten Max’s bug yet…knock on wood). I have wonderful, wonderful friends (several of whom really pitched in this week to watch Max for me at the last minute which was so incredibly helpful I can’t even express). Money may be tight this month and maybe the next few while I catch up, but overall I am financially sound.

Cycle wise, I’m happy in a sick sort of way that I’m wired from the Dex and the stims because the cycles I had no response, I didn’t have that reaction. It gives me some hope that maybe I will at least get a little response. And, really, it couldn’t happen at a better time because I have a heck of a lot of work that needs to get done in the next few weeks that will not be able to get done fully during regular business hours even if I didn’t have to be out several times for monitoring for the cycle. Actually, Friday night I almost completely forgot to start them, but remembered about 10 pm (when the plan was to start taking them around 7:30 pm after Max is down). I was so busy getting everything done that had to get done that it just slipped my mind. Friday night, I didn’t wrap thing up until midnight and was up at 4 am. Saturday, I rested while Max napped when we got home after Dr. N’s service, but wasn’t completely exhausted. Tonight, after a day like today with Max sick, errands, etc. I am still going strong at 9 pm instead of being ready to crawl into bed after I get Max down. Hey, if I have to be amp’d up on stims and dex, now is a really good time for it.

On the worry side of the cycle stuff, I am worried because my period has been so heavy and so “clotty”. Dr. Q (new RE) comment on how nice and think my lining was at the baseline u/s. I keep telling myself that it is just because of the estrogen and not that the estrogen caused my fibroids to grow and cause it. Clotting and heavy bleeding is a sign/symptom of fibroids. It was a calculated risk (taking the estrogen since fibroids feed on estrogen) that I was aware of prior to starting this cycle. I just hope it pays off. I am trying not to worry because at this point, it really is what it is, worrying won’t change it.

Of course, I think every time I cycle, it is a good cycle to get pregnant, but I especially feel this way this month, this time. Dr. Q and I talked about what a great tribute to Dr. N it would be. The best. I think if I don’t get pregnant this month, it is going to be extra hard because of that and because it was 2 years ago this month that Max was conceived. And, if I have any kind of response, it will be my fourth T42 cycle and I conceived Max on my fourth cycle. And, the truth is that none of that matters, what only matters is if I get a good egg (assuming my ovaries function) that meets up with a nice sperm, etc. and so forth.

Boo hoo. Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully, it won’t be too bad since I have checked and tried to keep up on email almost every day while I was out so I can hit the ground running.

One finally blessing/prayer for Dr. P and her family as they official ceremonies are behind them and they begin a new normal without a man who was there foundation as we go into the Christmas season. In spite of my personal bads and goods this week, they have never been far from my mind. My problems seem to pale by comparison.

Good riddance to this crappy week. May the one ahead be better, even if I do have to go back to work. And, may Max not freak out too much tomorrow with me going back to work. I’m just hoping Max is so happy to see Noemi that it isn’t the major drama that it could be, especially if he is still feeling off. Because as crappy as this week was, we had each other. I’ll take the crappiest of weeks with Max in my life because they are better than the best weeks when he wasn’t.

ETA: Forgot one more crappy thing. I can't get the vomit smell out of Max's hair. After several baths, hair washings, etc. The poor kid still smells like vomit and has (at least to me) since Friday. Very annoying and disgusting.

My Funny Kid

I say this with total love and affection, but my son can be quite odd at times. Apparently, he has the stomach virus for the first time. My friend who watched Max for me yesterday afternoon, her daughter started vomiting right before we arrived and vomited a few times while Max was there and he was exposed. As I walked by his room this morning, I smelt the stench indicating that he has succumbed to the virus after exposure. I heard him stir a few times last night, but that isn’t too unusual especially since he only got an hour nap yesterday. Yes, I check and he is still alive and sleeping peacefully and other than the smell, the only evidence was a half a cherry laying on his sheet which I removed. As tempting as it is to wake him and clean him and the crib up, I decided he must need his sleep more. This is the first time he has ever vomited and he never was much of a spitter upper as a baby and this seemed not to phase him at all.

I have noticed (and so has at least one other friend who pointed it out) that Max seems fairly oblivious to physical discomfort. He tolerates cold extremely well and would most often* rather be outside in the cold playing than inside given the choice. He seems to handle teething pain well since the other day when he was throwing a fit when I was putting him in his car seat (sadly, a regular occurrence these days as near as I can tell just on general principle) I notice some of his back teeth (maybe a molar, but it seems to early for that) was coming in.

The only thing that really gets him upset is gas. He will cry and scream and fuss when he is gassy.

Okay, said kid has now woken. Must go. And, so starts another day.

Update: He is currently watching TV. Woke up in a great mood. Wanted to touch and play in his dried vomit chunks. His poor bunny got the worst of it. He seems to like the new work…Icky…and tried it out a few times. He got mildly upset when he saw his Poo Bear go into the washing machine. Only got really upset when I put him in the tub to wash his hair (fine initially until the hair washing/shower commenced). Really, really got worked up when I had to put him back in because there were still some chunks left and he needed a round 2. I think he really should have had a round 3, but decided not to push my luck. He is fine now that he is dry and dressed.

* He is in a TV phase and now has actually chosen to stay in and watch a show rather than go out in the cold, windy weather a time or two.

Cycle Day 1

I started spotting late last night and got my period this morning. And, so starts another cycle. And, I have never felt less like cycling.

I called this morning to schedule my appointment for tomorrow, but the office is going to be closed for the weekend so they wanted me to come in today. I wasn’t prepared and had to scramble at the last minute to find someone to watch Max all before his mommy and me class this morning.

The appointment went fine. I cried on the way there and on and off during the visit. Going to the office today was one of the hardest and most emotional things I have done in a long while; all this on top of feeling cruddy and crampy and bloated.; all this on top of not sleeping well the last few nights and not having a chance to rest let alone nap today.

I won’t even tell you the state the house is in – bad. The floor really needs to be vacuumed and moped. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Stims and dex start tomorrow. Next appointment is Wednesday.

There is going to be a service for Dr. N on Saturday morning that I’m going to go to with a few other friends. There was a chance for us to submit a tribute and here is what I submitted.

Dr. N was the only RE I ever had and the only RE I ever wanted. He touched me in so many ways, both big and small. His compassion and understanding were phenomenal. Over the 3+ years I was his patient, he gifted me with a free education, patiently answering question after question after question, in person and in emails. This caused him to laugh one day and comment that I now knew more than several RE’s he knew. Doubtful I am sure, but if I came even close it was only because he was such a good teacher. I will never ever forget sitting in his office for a consult on the day I came in for pregnancy test; I was so sure it was another failed cycle that I was ready to plan for the next cycle. Most RE’s would make you wait until an official negative, but he didn’t put me off, knowing that I needed that plan for the future before getting another disappointment. And I remember vividly, several hours later, the genuine joy in his voice when he called to congratulate me on my pregnancy, which resulted in my son, Max. My miracle baby is the biggest legacy that Dr. N gave me. I cherish the picture of Dr. P, Dr. N, Max, and me in the hospital that was taken the day after my son was born; it sits on our piano and is held often as I tell my son his birth story about how Dr. N helped momma conceive him and Dr. P helped deliver him. He will always be a part of our family story. However, it was really in the harder times, after my miscarriages, after my cancelled IVF cycles, after my surgeries, after the tests and procedures that really showed the fabric and character of Dr. N, whose strength and support allowed me dust myself off and come back another day to try again. He never gave up hope. He never gave up on me. It is that which I hold dear: the cumulative sum that had me leaving each visit happier than I came in, even though the news was usually less then stellar, and the many emails, of course. Dr. N was so humble that it seemed he thought that he was only doing his job, but he was doing so much more; he was fundamental in helping me create my family. We talked once about how he wasn’t just going to get me pregnant, but how he was going to help me have a child, and he did. It was that fundamental difference that stood out. His care reflected that as we kept in touch during my pregnancy whether it was advice on whether to have an amnio (ultimately, I declined) or just a general update. After the birth of my son, he was genuinely happy (as opposed to placating a proud momma) to see my son grow and reach new milestones. Most recently, Dr. N has been helping me try to build the family he helped create. He will never be forgotten by me and the family that he helped create.

Truly Horrific

I thought I wanted to know more about how Dr. N died and mentioned to a friend (and former patient of Dr. N’s) how I had browsed for a few articles but hadn’t found anything. This friend happens to be a lawyer and obviously way better and searching/researching than I. Now that I know, I wish I didn’t.

Warning: Graphic details exerted from news article below

The California Highway Patrol said that just after 9 a.m., a driver headed northbound hit another car from behind. The driver of the car that was hit lost control of the SUV and crossed the center divider, colliding head-on with an oncoming big rig. The driver of the SUV died at the scene. The vehicle caught fire, and the victim was burned beyond recognition, said the CHP.

The coroner's office won't officially release his identity until his dental records are confirmed.

He was killed on Monday after an accident on the highway forced him to drive across the median and into oncoming traffic, where he collided with a big rig.

I just feel cold and nauseous. Apparently, there have been several other fatalities in this same spot and “Caltrans is in the process of putting guardrails in the center divider” to prevent more. It is just so senseless and horrible.

So much for trying to get a better night sleep tonight.

Thank You’s

I was so distracted today that I left for an afternoon and came back several hours later to my front door open wide because I forgot to close it and my toilet running because I didn’t hear it without my sweater to meet a fellow SMC who has a son about Max’s age for an excursion to the Zoo. It was a crisp afternoon and I looked down at Max at one point and his hands were purple/blue they were so cold. Yikes! Good thing I did have his mittens.

Anyway, one of the things I was thinking about a lot today was how sometimes we touch people and don’t know it and how sometimes we touch people and we do take the time to say thanks.

I often told Dr. N how much I appreciated him. I knew that he was fairly new to the practice when I started with him and I made a point after my first m/c of writing him an email of thanks with details on what I appreciated and copied his boss and his bosses boss. I did that several times over the years and wrote a nice success story after Max was born and as I started trying for a sibling for Max for my clinics web page. I really, really think he knew how much his being my dr. meant to me. For that, I am really grateful.

Yesterday, our afternoon excursion was a trip to the grocery store. Max and I were in the check out stand and Max pointed out the balloons. On a whim, I got out of line and got one for my niece along with some cupcakes and left them with a card on the counter (saying how happy I was that my neice was living with us and how much we would miss her when she moved) with all the lights off except the Christmas tree for when she got home from work. When I woke up this morning after not much sleep, I woke up to this note.

Debbie - This gesture was right on time. This period in my life has not been an easy one – yet somehow you’ve stepped in and relieved a ton of anxiety, helped to resolve a lot of hurt, and reopened my eyes to the true meanings of love and family (mine had gotten a little fuzzy and jaded). You are a remarkable woman and a wonderful mother (not only to Max.). All the little things you do are noted and appreciated. I can’t even begin to think how I’ll ever be able to show you how important you’ve been/are to me. This holiday was tough – and x-mas is sure to be another emotional obstacle – but your care and understanding have made these potential disastrous “cry-fests” seem manageable. I guess with this long winded letter I’m just trying to say a huge – no GINORMOUS - THANK YOU!! You are amazing. Max is a lucky boy and I’m a very lucky and grateful niece. I still have another month here (which will be fun being Max’s age) – but I hope we can continue to keep in touch and be major roles in each others lives, especially seeing the positive effect you’ve made in a mere month. I love you and Max very much. Thank you!

The funny thing is, that I really don’t think I have done much for her except be her aunt and give her a place to stay rent free for a few months. Truly, her being here has been a big help to me because she often runs errands to pick up yet more milk for Max or some such errand while never accepting money from me. When she is around, she will play with Max, who just lights up when she enters the room and “performs” for her (very, very cute to see) and will do some quick pick up of toys, etc. Several times when she is in for the night, she will listen for Max while I run out to pick up some dinner or run to the book store or whatever. The freedom of being out after 7 pm all by myself for a quick run without having to battle Max into the car seat; I’m not sure I can describe it. Anyway, I feel like I am getting as much out of her being here and I do remember being her age and poor and scared and wishing I had a safety net. I really haven’t thought too much about it until I got her note.

Maybe Dr. N just felt he was doing his job as an RE and not doing anything special just like I feel like I am just doing my job as an Aunt for my niece and not doing anything special. Yet, it is nice to be thanked and to be appreciated. I’m glad I took the time over the years to say thank you to Dr. N and let him know how much I appreciated him. Again, I know he knew. For that I am grateful. And, I’m humbled and pleased that I am having such an impact on my niece.

Tragedy

I just can’t get Dr. N and his family out of my mind. It is just such a tragedy. He was around my age. Probably a few years younger. Admire is probably the wrong word, but I had such respect and fondness (that doesn’t seem like the right word either) for him.

He was only me doctor, but I felt a special relationship for him. He helped me conceive Max. He was through me for 2 m/c’s, 2 surgeries, 2 cancelled IVF’s, countless procedures, wandings, etc. He gave me the information I needed, but the decision on how to proceed and what to do next was always mine. I saw him more than any other doctor and in more intimate situations (surprised when I go to the dr. for something else these days and keep my clothes on and my legs together) than any prior or I’m sure to come.

I can only imagine the loss that his family and friends are feeling.

God bless him and his family.

Utter shock

My RE was killed in a car accident today. His wife is due any time now with their fourth child. He was the only RE I ever saw or wanted to see. I have said many times over how he was the perfect doctor for me. He tirelessly answered question and question after question over the years until I almost ran out. I have been thinking over the last few weeks I should email him on a few things mostly about what to try next if my ovaries don’t respond again. I was scheduled to see him sometime this week as soon as I got my period, which I predict as tomorrow. I have this wonderful picture of him, his wife who is my OB, me, and Max one day old in the hospital. Max and I look at it often and it is part of Max’s birth story. I was so hoping to have another such picture with another child sometime next year. My feeling of loss and sorrow is nothing compared to that of his family. May they have the strength and fortitude to deal this horrible, horrible loss. He truly was a compassionate man and a wonderful doctor. I am just one of many, many people whose life he touched. Why do such bad things happen to such good people?

Check

3 cc’s of PIO injected in upper outer quadrant of the derriere – Check

Decided to inject a bit early today since ex-boy friend (first love and first lover) is coming over tonight with his brother and a mutual friend for cards. He lives out of state, but we still stay somewhat in touch and see each other if he is in town. Should be fun. However, told him he has until 10 pm then I must cease, desist, and go to sleep since the kid is an early riser.

Max was so amp’d up with the company yesterday he did his no nap routine and didn’t sleep in the car to my sisters like I had hoped. However, he was his fun charming self and had a great time. We left at 5:30 pm and he fell asleep on the way home at 6 pm. The only problem with this was that he then felt 4 am was a good wake up time and I wasn’t too thrilled with it. My cousin asked what was the one thing that would help me the most today and I said that at noon, we have family nap time and everyone naps or quietly rests from noon until 2 pm. Gosh, I really needed that break. I think everyone slept. Just what we all needed before card night.

Max is off to the Ronald Regan museum with his Uncle Jim (who is also his god father) who is starting early brainwashing in the hopes Max grows up to be a Republican. LOL. I told him to give him it his best shot and to knock himself out. So, I got a nap and a few hours of free time today. Yes, rather than be productive, I play on the computer.

Too bad I have a house full of guests and Keith is coming with an entourage. Some good ole fashioned sex* would be nice after weeks and weeks of estrogen. Ah well, the progesterone will be kicking in soon now that I have shot up.

* We broke up “officially” when I was 25 ish and I am now 40, but we continued to engage in “intimate” relations when the mood and opportunity presents itself. Sadly, that hasn’t happened in years. It is a nice comfortable arraignment that is usually driven by me. As in, I usually tell him in advance if he should be prepared to “put out” or not. LOL. Again, ah well.

15 month peds

Max had his 15 month pediatrician appointment today. All is fine. He and I are both fighting off a cold, but other than that, Max got a clean bill of health…and 4 shots today. He wasn’t amused with the shots, but was fine for the rest of the appointment. Dr. H commented on how Max is always on the go. Yeah, tell me about it. LOL. We both agree that is why he is so skinny.

Weight: 22 lbs 14 oz. – 25 %, increased from 5th and 20th percentiles
Height: 32 ¾ in – 90%, increased from 75%
Head Circumference – 18 ½ -50 %, same

We stopped by the store for some Tylenol and Benadryl on the way to dinner with some friends and just got back. It has been a good, but long day.

Today is 2 days into (4 if you count the weekend) my 2 week gig pretending to be a SAHM while Noemi is on vacation. Loving it, in spite of us being a bit under the weather.

Had my last estrogen shot on Monday night and will shoot up 3 cc’s of progesterone on Friday night. Then, just wait for my period for another t42 attempt.

I’m really wishing I could just pretend that there is not Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to my sisters and making Cherry pies. I’m not really dreading it so much, it just seems like an awful lot of effort when I am so tired right now.

Max is actually back to sleeping 10 hours a day most nights and a 2 hour nap most days, but last night he woke up at 3 am coughing and congested and crying. I gave him some medicine and got him back to sleep, but I was up.

All and all, everything is good. Busy, but not crazy busy. Just living life, enjoying Max. He is a funny dude.

Biting

Last night I wrapped up work right was Max was finishing dinner. As I walked in the kitchen, Noemi had just finished washing his hands and he leaned over for me and she passed him off. He gave me a big hug, nestled into my shoulder and bit me. I leaned him away from me so he could see my face and said loudly and sharply “NO BITE”. He started to cry and nestled into me again and bit again, but was very careful to only get my shirt and not me. I pulled him away from me and again sharply said “NO BITE” and then put him on the ground. You should have seen his face crumble. I told him that I did not like to be bitten and that it hurts. I walked away as he cried for me to pick him back up, which I did not do although it was hard to not. Then, I got him distracted in something else. As I was walking away and distracting him (feeling like I had made my point and not wanting to belabor the reprimand), Noemi commented that he did that to her all the time. After Max had calmed down and was distracted playing with something in the family room, I went over to Noemi and told her she can’t let Max do that. Sigh. I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell her that, but at least she saw how I reacted and handled the situation.

The only other time that Max has bit me was when he was about 7 – 8 months old and he bit my leg while I was talking on the phone. I had just about the same reaction then.

I hear that many go through this “biter” phase, but momma is going to nip this in the bud fast. I doubt he will do it again any time soon. He really did not like being reprimanded. Yet, it makes me wonder if he is teething again because he isn’t really much in to pacifiers and found one the other day and has used it a few times when he sees it laying around.

On the other hand, the last two days, we have either minor or no drama when Noemi came and I started working.

My Clown

What a difference a year makes, huh?

2005



2006






Max is really developing a sense of humor. Many times, when we are driving, he will be talking to himself, then he will just start laughing and laughing, cracking himself up. It makes me laugh even if I have no idea what he thought was so darn funny.

If something catches his funny bone, he will just start laughing, even if he is in the middle of a crying fit.

Over the weekend when Christmas shopping, I purchased up a few new DVD’s for Max. I put one in for him last night while I was cleaning up from dinner. All of a sudden, he just started laughing. I go to look at the screen and it was some silly scene where a puppet was putting mail in the mailbox, he would turn around, and the mail would fly back out. It was some slap stick type humor and I was so surprised and impressed that Max “got it”. There were a few other similar scenes and he laughed appropriately at each one of them. He “got it” every time.

In some ways, Max really can be a clown and not just for Halloween. He loves an audience and will perform. Right after my niece moved in, Max was showing off for her when she came in, but she didn’t realize it and walked to the back of the house. As soon as she walked away, he stopped. I made some comment about it and N walked back into the room. As soon as she walked in, he started “performing” again. Very funny.

“Going to Work”

Max’s least favorite words these days are as follows:

“Max, momma is going to go take a shower and then work.”

“Max, momma is going to go take a shower.”

“Max, momma has to go work.”

This has been going on for a few weeks now. I’ve tried different variations with the same results. He just throws an absolute fit and either clings to me or reaches for me (if Noemi is holding him). I don’t want to just disappear, but I hate to cause such a scene. I try not to belabor the point. In the past, I could distract him with a game or a toy or something, but not recently. So, I just give him another hug/hold him for about 20 seconds, acknowledge his feelings, and leave.

Monday’s are always worst. Major, major melt down this morning. Poor guy.

Not only is it hard on him. I know that it is hard for me and think it is hard for Noemi. She commented the other day about how Max isn’t even going to want to see her when she comes back from her two week trip to Guatemala. She has commented in the past how in the past, when the mom works out of the house that the kids cry when she leaves at the end of the day. She has told me many times that Max is fine and happy with her when I’m not around. I believe her. I do. If I didn’t, I would not trust her with my son.

One day last week (must have been Thursday?), I popped out real quick while Max was eating lunch to grab something to eat/drink myself and say hello. After a few minutes, I told Max I had to go back to work. He just lost it. He wasn’t finished eating, but we had to take him out of the high chair he was so distraught. After that (Friday?), I waited until Max was napping before I left my office for a quick break. Sigh. I like having little snippets of the day with him, but it just isn’t worth the drama for us all.

I’m almost positive this is normal behavior/separation anxiety stuff, but there is a tad of worry and doubt. With all the talk of abuse by a care giver, I have paused to reflect if this could be a concern/issue and really don’t think it is. Max is happy to see Noemi. He is happy and laughs around her. I have faith in trust in her. But, is has caused me to pause and reflect.

And, I don’t know what the matter with me is. I blew off my first meeting of the day since there is no attendance/roll call taken and I didn’t have to give an update. My second meeting of the day was cancelled. Instead of getting work done that I HAVE to do before I go on vacation at the end of the week, I’ve been farting around browsing the internet, writing this, and starting laundry since Noemi didn’t start it before she took Max to the park since he was being a total cry baby for me this morning.

I’m just so not in the mood to work and feeling so blah and tired and it is only Monday morning. Think I could get away with being a cry baby too?

The Odds

I’ve been trying not to think of them. I’m just hoping there is another miracle baby or two in me. There is a 25% chance the scar tissue that was holding down my small intestines will return and even less than (way less than) 5% chance I will ever conceive again (with my own eggs). How are those for odds?

I talked to a good friend the other day that also has low Inhibin B. Hers is 35. Mine is 7. It should be over 40 – 45. She and I see the same RE. In her post cycle consult (unfortunately, it was a failed cycle), our RE told her that follicles that are producing good quality eggs produce Inhibin B. Low Inhibin B is also of poor egg quality as well as low ovarian reserve. Great! Just great! Shit!!!

Really, the odds aren’t good. Really, they are bad. Quite, quite bad.

When I was talking to another friend about the Inhibin B stuff and egg quality, she commented on how my hormones tend to run on their own scale. I had to laugh because she is so right. The reality is that my Inhibin B had to suck as badly on the cycle I conceived Max as it does now. That’s the only thing that has kept me hoping. I really did always know that Max was a miracle baby. That cycle never ever should have worked. And, that’s what helps keep a small amount of hope alive.

If I have zero response on this cycle after this modified estrogen priming protocol, I think I am going to try two more times before moving on. If I get a low response, I don’t know what I will do or how long I will try. I have 6 vials right now and my donor is very, very, very limited if there is any of him left at all. I haven’t bought more because there really isn’t any point if I have non-functioning ovaries.

Been thinking about “moving on’ and what that means to me.

Doing nothing and having just Max. He is a great kid and so funny, but I just get knots in my stomach and sad when I think about this option. It just feels WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

Adoption. In theory, I have no problem with this, but the thought just makes me tired. It is a new process to learn. More to research. I have no idea how much it costs or where to get started. It feels overwhelming.

Donor egg. It’s expensive, but would at least give Max a half bio sib. It would take the pressure off the timing for a third (probably). It is a process I am familiar, and sadly, comfortable with at this time. I get nervous when I think about the price tag, but then think that I spent $40K for my car (paid off) and over 4 times that for my house (not paid off) and those are just things. I think I can go here if I have to. I just really don’t want to have to.

Anyway, as the cycle gets closer, I’m getting more afraid.

I’m hopeful for all the wrong reasons. It happened once. It happened in December. It happened on my 4th try. And, I’m hoping that it will happen again, in December, on my 4th try for #2.

The odds aren’t good. It should have never happened the first time. It is unlikely it will happen again. When I think of the odds, I get anxious and fearful. I get panicky. God, I hope this works, in spite of the sucky odds.

Three more shots of estrogen. And, as I have reminded myself several times today, it is Sunday, so no shot today. Then, I do 3 cc’s of progesterone the Friday after Thanksgiving and call when I get my period.

Quick Weekend Update – Busy weekend. Lots of running around and errands. SMC get together. Christmas shopping (love that Max is still at an age I can do this with him). Picked up Max’s Halloween Pics. Maybe I’ll get them scanned tomorrow, but maybe not. A lot to do at work this week. Only one week left of work, then I’m pretending to be a SAHM for two weeks.

Oh, yeah, been feeling “crampy”, like I’m going to get my period, but haven’t even started spotting. Have thought that maybe this is when I normally would have gotten my period, but haven’t pulled out the calendar to verify.

I had to laugh. I talked to my nurse coordinator last week to confirm the timing and dosage of the progesterone shot and she made some comment about if I had a great response converting from IUI to IVF. Yeah, right. I told her that it just isn’t going to happen. I just want two, maybe three follicles. I wouldn’t be thrilled, but would even take one lone follicle. I’m just hoping and praying for more than zero.

Fuck the odds. Odds are just odds. That’s what I keep telling myself.* It can work, IF my ovaries do something. If they give me something to work with. I’m going to be really upset if I get another zero response cycle. With no response, there is zero chance. With a poor response, there is at least a small chance.

*Yeah, I know that odds are odds for a reason and statistically speaking what they mean and all, but this is a self pep talk. Plus, Max is living proof that sometimes odds are just odds.

TGFI

Thank God For Insurance.

Got the bill for my unexpected overnight stay in the hospital from my lap few weeks ago; Just the hospital for room/board/pharmacy while admitted. This does not include the surgeons or the x-rays and such. The grand total was over $22K

And, then I got the payment summary from the insurance company:

Amount billed by provider: $22,218.00
Amount saved by using a network provider : $20,426.00
Amount we paid: $1,612.80
Patient Responsibility: $179.20


Or, the diagnostic testing that identified the gallstones….

Amount billed by provider: $3,026.00
Amount saved by using a network provider : $2,033.59
Amount we paid: $793.93
Patient Responsibility: $198.48


I mean, the costs do still add up, but it would be much, much worse without insurance. I really don’t know how people do it if they don’t have insurance or good insurance. Granted, I pay a fair amount for the top of the line coverage offered by my employer. I just had to renew my coverage for 2007 and I really debated on whether to add Max to my dental overage as it added about $300/year, but decided to do so just in case. It would be cheaper to not add him if he just had 2 office visits next year, but it could get quite costly if he had some accident or such that damaged his teeth. I waffled and waffled and finally decided to pay the money up front and to look at it as a blessing if I didn’t need to use the coverage for anything other than routine care.

I have been bemoaning my insurance this last year because they took away the really plush plan that I loved where I could alternate between HMO and PPO as I wanted. Loved that plan. Still very sad I no longer have it. So, while I can’t say I heart my insurance, I’m very, very happy I have it.

TGFI!

I voted

So, I sucked it up and did some research this afternoon after being motivated by a friend. I purposely didn’t vote for the judges since there was a lot and I didn’t have time to research and accidentally forgot to research the local city issues (didn’t see them until I was actually voting), but got to everything else and feel like I made a fairly informed decision with the limited time I had to prepare.

The polls are still open for 30 more minutes, then I will go help break down and count ballots. However, I’m very tired and just wish I could head to bed.

Another good night last night with Max sleeping until 5:45. I think we are back on track sleep wise.

Max and I were playing after our evening walk and before bath and I started singing itsy bitsy spider for him. I got a standing ovation from my son. Be still my heart. My kid is a winner and I think I’ll keep him. Nothing like your son standing and clapping and smiling at your antics.

Getting back to my friend (a fellow SMC of a 1 year old who managed to find the time to do some research and was planning on voting with her daughter) motivating me, she used some of my own words to do it. I guess I have said something like we exercise in our family or we do xyz in our family. She said that it really struck her and there were things like going to church and voting that she realized that she wanted to define as doing in her family. Made me realize that just hosting the polling place wasn’t the message I wanted to send to Max and even if he is only 1, I was setting a bad trend and precedent by not making the effort. Plus, I read a few places how low the voter turn out typically is for single women and decided I really wouldn’t feel good about falling on the wrong side of that statistic. I’m even further behind at work now, but I’m glad I did it.

6 Down, 4 To Go

Six estrogen shots down and only four to go until my next attempt for a second child. The estrogen is doing something cause my left ovary feels achy and sore for a day or two after each shot. Sadly, my right ovary seems to be unaffected. Mostly, I’m just cruising along dealing with life. I have mild panic attacks every now and again thinking I have forgotten to take a shot before I realize that it isn’t a Monday or a Thursday. I have had a few anxiety attacks when I start to think about what if this protocol doesn’t work and my ovaries still have a zero response, but I just try not to think down that path very often and tell myself to just wait and see. Of course, I want the cycle to work with the end result being a sibling for Max, but if I at least get some kind of response even if the eggs are crap and don’t result in a child, I will at least hold some hope that a future cycle will hold “the good egg”. Every now and again, I worry that the ache and soreness I feel in my left ovary is not a good sign, but a bad one and I’m doing irreparable damage to my ovary; yet, I have been too afraid (and busy…yeah that’s it) to email my RE to ask. Mostly, I’m just cruising along, living life and talking my shots when I need to.

I had a good laugh at myself this weekend. Saturday night I soaked in the bath and washed my hair after I put Max to sleep. In high school/college, we used to joke about needing to stay home and wash our hair when we didn’t want to go out on a date with someone or didn’t have a date. I was laughing because I so desperately needed to wash my hair and I was perfectly content and happy staying in on Saturday night to do so.

Tomorrow is Election Day. Sadly, I still haven’t looked at the ballot or decided how I want to vote. For those who may not know, my garage it the polling place for my precinct. I believe in the power of the vote and that every vote counts and I’m thinking of not voting tomorrow because I am so unprepared and don’t feel like staying up late on the computer doing the research I would need to have an educated decision. Sigh. My plan is to see if I can squander some of my precious and busy work time tomorrow to do it and if not, just miss this election. I don’t feel good about missing it, but feel so unmotivated and tired tonight. The California League of Women’s Voters has a great non-partisan web site that makes researching the issues much easier. You just put in your address and it brings up your ballot and links to what you need on both sides of the issues or on the candidates for you to make an informed decision.

We are getting back into a better sleep routine again after the cold and time change. We had a big regression on Friday night/Saturday morning, but Saturday night was much better and last night was very good. Max slept in until 6:15, which is actually later than what I like and need him to sleep. Actually, 5:30 am is my ideal time for us to get up so we can hang out and spend some time easing into the day, then going to the park to play/walk the dog before coming home to breakfast and work/nanny. We just walked around the neighborhood instead of doing the park thing this morning. However, even though Max slept in, I woke at 4, and then again at 5 (for good) since I am so used to being woken up then. Sigh. So, I’m tired, but not desperate for sleep where that is the only thought I can have during every waking moment which is how I felt last week at this time.

Off to veg out a bit before bed and feel guilty about the voting thing, but not so guilty to actually do something about it. And, to go back into zone mode about the upcoming cycle instead of the nervous anxiety I’m having at the moment.

Mom-my

I’ve gone from being momma to being mommy this last week. I’m sure it is something else my little guy picked up at the park. Mom-my, Mom-my, Mom-my, with a strong emphases on the last syllable. Very cute. I’m still calling myself momma and decided to let Max decide what he wants to call me without making an issue of it.

The other day we were out walking in the dark and there were some shadows. Max was trying to chase them and figure it out. He’d run forward and the shadows would still stay ahead of him Again, very cute. I was telling him they were shadows because of the light. He just looked at Shadow (our dog) in a confused way.

Nice massage today. Nice nap. Nice afternoon of reading.

And, I wasn’t very productive, but did get some groceries (motivated by the high need for milk) and return a few calls.

Had another early, early morning today. Sigh.

I think Max is going through another momma separation anxiety phase as he was crying when I left this morning for my appointment and crying when he found out I wasn’t going to the park with him and Noemi this afternoon. Another sigh.

Really glad I took the day off. I really needed a me day. And, a nap. Very nice.

Brutal

Just a quick post to say that Max and I are still alive; Halloween went fine; he made a cute clown and has grown an inch or two in the last month since my sister measured him for the costume; we have been sick (just a cold); who ever thought up daylight savings must never had small children who were on a schedule and that I never realized before how much it sucked; work is consuming; my free time is spent with Max and/or trying to sleep or fantasizing about sleep; and even if I had some free time to blog, return phone calls, pay bills, I haven’t had the energy. We have had a few really bad nights here, but are getting back on track. I never could have imagined this when Max was just born, but there have been a few times recently where I really wasn’t enjoying being a mommy very much, like between 3 and 5 am when Max wants up and to play and momma wants to sleep, my niece went in to “save” him when he was screaming bloody murder ensuing a conversation on how she should check with me first; etc and so on. Just a little rough patch. Things are already improving.

I’m taking tomorrow as a vacation day and have a nice low key weekend with minimal social engagements. I have a 9 am massage booked, a chiropractor adjustment right after that, and then dreams of a nap or lying in bed reading for the rest of the day (hahahaha). Anyway, our schedule and life has been a bit brutal lately.

“Stay Out Of It”

That has been my motto on and off over the last few days. My niece N, who is 21, moved in with me for a few months.* She has been sharing a small place with a platonic guy friend. It is a one bedroom and he has the bedroom and she sleeps on the couch. They got a place together last year when my sister J basically kicked N out. J and N are very much alike and had conflict and clashes on a regular bases where each complains about qualities in the other that they also have. No problem staying out of that, it has been going on for too long.

When N moved out/was forced out, I was a bit concerned because I thought she was moving in with her boyfriend and didn’t want her to feel trapped or that she had to stay in a bad relationship. So, I called her, told her that I loved her, and that if she needed it, she had a place to stay at my house if the relationship went south. She told me that she was moving in with a male friend, but not her boyfriend (good thing, cause that guy is long gone). I told her I felt better about that situation, but the offer still stood.

I get a call from her about mid week last week asking if she could stop by and talk. She came right over and asked if she could move in until January. I said absolutely, no problem. She stayed over than night and every night since and moved her stuff into storage/clothes here on Saturday. Apparently, the guy she was living with is a heroin addict who started using again and is out of control. N came home on Monday or Tuesday night and the guy was high and covered in blood and she was scared and freaked. She was worried about him as a person and bailing on her “friend” because it is unlikely he will find someone else to move in with him and how he was worried his parents would find out and pull his cash so he would have to drop out of school. Another friend of theirs was going to talk to him and insist he get back to rehab or call his parents and tell them what is going on (think tough love). I explained, which intellectually, she knew, that a person who is high and using drugs is no ones friend, especially their own. We talked about how her mom does come by and in fact is sitting for me on Monday night so she would have to see her/talk to her, if she stayed her. This is an important point since they haven’t been talking/seeing each other for a few weeks. I hear from each that the other is too negative and “toxic” N had no problem with that after all, she “is” her mother and can deal with that, but she didn’t want her to know about the drugs. She didn’t want her mom to worry.

I get a call from J basically trashing her daughter and saying she can’t believe she left this guy high and dry and she needs to grow up and what is her problem. She is happy she has someone to turn to (me), because that is what family is for. And, how probably it is good that it is me, because of anyone, I wouldn’t get sucked into N’s drama and manipulation, etc. and on and on. This is the same sister that when I told my family I was going to ttc trashed me to my face for several hours one night telling me how wrong I was for doing this and how I should “find a man”; “loose weight”. How I would damage this child forever because I would foster all of my “issues” on my yet unborn child and therefore should seek counseling. Since Max has been born, she has actually been the biggest help of anyone in my family. Last week when I had that unexpected night in the hospital after the surgery, she went right over to my house to relieve Max’s nanny and did “morning duty” until Noemi returned while my cousin got me settled in a room. Anyway, sorry about that, got a bit sidetracked. Just wanted to point out that my sister is not inherently evil, but she can be opinionated and try to force her opinions on another no matter how wrong they are for that person. Having set the stage a bit, I wasn’t sure if it was a complement or not when J said that of anyone she knew, I wouldn’t put up with N’s shit and she couldn’t manipulate me. I so much wanted to butt in and tell her to lighten up on her daughter and give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her if she would rather live with a heroin addict who was out of control. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to, but I honored N’s wishes and only told her that N didn’t leave her roommate high and dry that she had paid him November rent. J went off all over again saying how they were in a lease that went until February and he couldn’t find anyone mid-term and so on and so forth. All I could think was, Deb “stay out of, nothing good will come of you opening your mouth, stay out of it, not your problem, you can not heal the bad blood between these two, stay out of it.”

And, so I have, but it has been hard. I have not told N to tell her mom the whole truth. I have not told J the full story. I keep telling myself ‘thou shalt not get in the middle of this”,

While having a “roommate” is a PITA and I have vowed from ever having another, I really am glad that I can help N out this way. It maybe almost 20 years now since I was her age, but I remember how hard it was and how scary at times. And, I’m glad that N will get to know Max in a whole new way and get to see him grow for a few months. I think it may be a bond that could last a life time and even if not that it will be good for them both now. N really is a good kid just trying to grow up and become a woman in a place where that isn’t so easy with parent support that is different than I hope to give Max and any future children should I ever be blessed. Sure, she has made some mistakes, but who hasn’t. I sure can’t and never would claim perfection.

I will just stay out of it and not get put in the middle of things. I think it will be difficult at times, but not impossible.

* She is only staying until January because she plans to move from Southern to Northern California at that time. She was going to move sooner, but got a DUI (or is it a DWI) over the summer and needs to finish the repercussion from that first which includes taking a class and attending AA meetings, (and maybe counseling?) all while holding down a full time job as a waitress. Mostly, she does the 6:30 am – 2:30 pm shift and is very happy those whom she is sharing a house with are up even earlier than she is. Although, I am happy to report it is not as early as it has been and Max is back to waking up in the 5 am hour these last few day. Hallelujah! Waking at 5:15 felt truly divine this morning. May this phase last awhile and not get too screwed up with the change in time next week.