Pain in the neck

Max brought new meaning to the phrase pain in the neck today when he allegedly became tired of Elmo Potty Time on the computer and decided to "ride momma's head". Well, yes, I was laying down at the time and my eyes did flutter closed so it took me a bit by surprised so I was slow on the draw getting him off. The added benefit was that he was bare bottomed at the time. In my own defense, I had been up since 1 or 2 am with horrible heartburn and vomiting, not to mention other tummy troubles. I had a headache before the "riding" incident. Now, I have a neck ache and a headache. I guess I was an easy target.

T - 3

Almost 3 days until Tuesday. Not only is it election day with my garage being the polling place for my precinct, it is CVS day. I'm a little worried and nervous about the procedure. Oddly enough, less so since I found out that Dr. W (the CVS doc) prefers to go in vaginally for the procedure. Because there are multiples, he may not be able to do them all that way, but the fact that he will do as many as possible that way is reassuring to me. And, I guess I had better figure out how I'm going to vote and think about and probably not actually complete sweeping and straightening the garage for the big voting event.

On my mind

I almost blew my record of not vomiting in my car today. Ironically enough, I was running out to pick up the refill of the anti-nausea med at the time. Instead, I was able to quickly jump out of the car and just spent 5 minutes barfing on the front lawn. Not a highlight of my day for sure. The only good news, per se, is I don't think any of my neighbors were about and saw the event.

I'm getting amazed at how awful I can feel most of the time, still, again, and it feels like almost always. Awful enough that I've actually had the thought lately that if this pregnancy completely fails for some reason, I'm good with having a family with just Max. I never felt that way while ttc for those many months that led to DE, but am pretty sure I'm just done no matter the outcome of this cycle....good or bad. Sure, I'd do an FET just to make sure the two pity freeze embryos really are bad and wouldn't make it, but that would be it, it, it.

I think the reality that one or more of these growing babies are not just going to die off on me and have been having thoughts of "OMG, what the hell have I done". Even with reducing to twins, I'm a bit freaked out about how hard and crazy life is going to become with twins with a toddler.

On the other hand, I'm trying to come to terms that I'm really going to have to move to live in help. I keep having these fantasies that it really won't be THAT bad and I can do it with just day help. It's hard enough for me to have someone in my house during the day. Having someone here all the time is kind of freaking me out a bit. Probably, this is a whole post in and of itself. However, I personally know two local SMC's who had an older child and then had twins and both insist that not only is live in help a complete necessity, that it is needed almost 7 days a week for at least the first year. I respect them both too much not to believe and trust them on this. But, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I don't want to have to share my house with another adult any more than what I have. This is just a huge stresser for me.

I've been sleeping a lot this week, including through the night with just quick wake ups to use the potty, let the dog out/in, and/or go check on Max when he's needed me. Too tired and sick to check the computer before bed or during a middle of the night waking. Pretty much, I'm putting Max to bed and going to bed myself. Sadly, even after way more sleep, I still wake up tired and wanting more. One of the really good things about being asleep so much is that it's pretty much the only relief I've been getting from the nausea/vomiting. I'm getting a little worried (about spinal binafia) when I think about how long its been since I've been able to keep my prenatal vitamin down. But, I can only do the best I can.

I'm getting done the basics like work, which has been busy doing turnover of my old job and starting to pick up pieces of my new one. I'm taking care of Max although feeling extremely blessed that he wants nothing more than to cuddle with me on the couch and watch the normally more limited TV time. I actually got ordered to go lay in my bed for a period of time last night. Granted, it only lasted 11 minutes, but hey...I am to please and complied. The good news/bad news is that Max has been back to napping this week. Good because this is good for him and he needs the sleep. Bad because bedtime has been harder and he's pretty much not settling in and falling asleep until 8 pm which is a full hour after he's been put in the crib. Many of the antics and stalling tactics are as amusing as they are annoying like calling me back to tell me that he hurt his mouth and needs kisses; he's hurt his toe and needs kisses; to tell me the plot line of a show that we watched on TV; etc. He's also been taking off his PJ's, sometimes including his diaper. A call out telling me that he needs to use the potty is one that should not be ignored because it usually means he has stripped and is standing there naked. Tonight, he was topless and I was told he wanted a fresh shirt because the other one was wet. Last night, I didn't check on him until 2 am, cause I was just asleep as soon as he was quiet, and found him sound asleep sans jammies (but with a diaper thank goodness) and I just covered him with the blanket and went back to sleep with only a passing thought of trying to redress him figuring that it didn't seem to be bothering him in the least.

Okay, I should probably try to eat something and head back to sleep. Too bad food is so unappealing right now. I just settle for least revolting as possible and hope it stays down and try to get at least some protein in during a given day. Blah, it would be really nice to start feeling better soon.

9w5d

I'm 9w5d today. I was 9w4d yesterday when I had my first OB. All three were measuring 9w6d with good CRL and heartbeats. OB and I had a good talk. Of course, she approves of SR with the same philosophy as I have that you have to look at it helping two to survive (as hard of decision as it is). With my history, she felt it was likely I would not make it to 20 weeks with 3. She didn't give me a stat with twins, but agreed that the risk was manageable at this point because while I was dilated/effaced early at 34 weeks (the first time she checked) I didn't actually go into labor until she broke my water. I'll get an u/s at every visit. I'll see her and a peri both once a month for awhile until further along and then frequency would increase depending on need/situation. There is a 60% chance I'll need a c-section if one or both babies are breech which I'm not thrilled with at the moment as would rather go vaginal, but it will be what it will be and that's a long way off right now so no sense worrying about it now. After all, I may change my mind by then. At one point, when we were talking about 3, she made the comment that you can't talk to folks about that to which I agreed. I didn't have the heart to tell her the comment that someone in her own office made about it. Not that I would have a problem doing so, I just wanted to take the conversation in a different direction and make the most of the time I had.

I was having a fitful sleep most of the night with a very strange dream when I finally woke up and realized I had terrible heartburn. Taken some Tums and drank some milk and sitting up has helped some. I'm in a food is not my friend mode where the thought of it turns my stomach and the best I could do for lunch and dinner yesterday were crackers on the way home from the OB's yesterday afternoon and still had a puke fest before putting Max down.

Speaking of Max, he woke up and was calling for me about 30 minutes ago. After giving him time to settle, I went to check on him and was told "Monsters. I okay". I asked him if he dreamt of monsters, but he's okay. He said, yes. Then, I gave him a fresh diaper and cuddled with him for a few minutes. And, then he scrambled off my lap and said "I climb in crib". In possible not the smartest move on my part, I've been showing him how to (safely) climb into his crib. With what I have coming up in February, I'm not supposed to lift him half the month. As a single mom, that is just completely unrealistic, but this is one attempt to minimize it.

Shadow is doing very well. I haven't carried her since early yesterday morning when I took her to the flower bed which was closest and she made her way to the grass to do her business. Last night, I took her out front to see how she would do thinking she would just get to the top of the grass and not only did she go down to the front to check out the pee mail from the other dogs, she went over to the neighbors yard to do her business when I called her back up. Tonight, she made it even a bit further. In both cases, she was very happy. She much prefer to "go" out front.

I also took her out front about mid day before I left for my OB and ended up talking to the neighbor directly behind me. Not only is she fine if I built up, her husband (pretty sure they aren't officially married, but have to be common law spouses by now) has researched building on and up extensively. This is excellent news on many fronts and could likely save me lots of research time. Plus, I think I need to have permission from all of my neighbors to build up and want to at least discuss it with them/feel them out before I go to the expense of getting an architect out to draw things up. Now, I just need to check with the rest of them at some point soon.

Shadow Update

I think Shadow is going to be fine. I got her home without barfing* in the vets office or the car on the way home. After I got everyone/thing unloaded, I took her out to grass to pee and she got her legs under her and walked to where she wanted to do her business. Yes, she was unsteady and shaky, but she could do it. She was able to do the same again this morning before I had to take her back to the vet for a follow up consult and to have the IV link (forget what it's called, but the line into the IV that they left in until they were sure she would eat and drink and didn't need more fluids today just in case so they didn't need to redo it).

I was worried last night about carrying her for a few days and causing a miscarriage because really could feel it pulling yesterday and was crampy and came up with a plan to call my dog walker to see if he could help take her out twice a day and then to see if I could find a wagon that I could load her in an pull which would take less strain and toll. However, she got up and walked out of the living room and into my room (when Max was getting a bit to loud/wild for her...she just doesn't like the sound of blocks banging against each other) before I could call the dog walker. She walked from my room out to the flower bed to pee this afternoon. And, from the living room to the back of the house and moved from Max's room to the spare room, back to Max's room. Now, I have had to carry her "back" from the flower bed inside and from Max's room to my room after I put Max down for the night, but she is getting better and stronger all the time. She is eating and drinking well. She is able to go to the bathroom. She is getting steadier and steadier and able to walk for longer and farther, but is still shaky and weak.

Doggy Vertigo. Looks like she is going to recover from it, but will probably be at least a week if not two before she is fully recovered. Now that I know what it is and the signs, I'm sure that she has had this a few times before over the last year when I was worried and thought I would have to put her down. At the time, I thought she had injured herself (or Max had jumped or rode on her when I wasn't looking) or was having a spinal type injury. Now, I'm sure that it was this vestibular/vertigo thing, but just that this was the worst of it.

And, yesterday's bill was a lot less (about half) of what I feared it would be.

So, all is not exactly well on this front, but it is better and improving and I'm not as worried and overwhelmed.

In other news, City Boy (the cat) was thrilled with a brief reprieve of the rain today and didn't step in the house until 3 seconds before it started to come down again. He has not been amused. I moved the litter box that he never uses out to the back under the covered patio instead of outside the kitchen door because I was a bit worried he might start to go inside in his disgust since it has been raining so much and for so long. I think he has actually used it once or twice, but mostly has gone out the the grass in the rain (when it's not coming down too hard) while complaining the whole time. Meow, Meow, Meow. Making sure anyone around knows he just isn't thrilled with the recent weather.

And, Max and I both got naps today. In fact, I put Max down at 1 pm and he slept until I gently woke him at 4:30 pm after opening blinds, turning on lights, and making noise starting at 4 pm didn't even stir him. And, it's 8:15 pm and I think he is asleep for the night. Of course, he didn't sleep well at all last night walking me up around 11:30 ish after I had just fallen asleep, some other time in the middle of the night that is a blur, and then was up for good at 3:30 am although he stayed in his crib until sometime between 6 and 6:30 am. Sometime around 5 I gave him books, toys, (and apparently he was able to get his accordion from the end table by his crib) and I shut off the monitor but still could hear some of the louder serenades on and off at times where I felt I had just nodded off for more sleep. All to say, we both needed good naps today.

* Saved that for the bathtub when I was cleaning my feet from taking Shadow outside. Max was actually up and around for the first time during a big barf feast. It didn't seem to bother him that much. He just kept telling me "bless you" every time I vomited like I was sneezing which had me smiling during it all. One of these days I'll have to do a post about all the places I've vomited in the last month and where I have not, yet...knock on wood.

Overwhelmed

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by life right now.

I had Max say his last goodbye's and took Shadow to the vet this morning bawling my eyes out and planning on putting her to sleep. My normal, long time vet, is out of the office and has someone covering for her. She thinks that Shadow has a vestibular attack kind of like a stroke. She said most dogs recover within a few days and recommend I try to wait it out. I'm feeling very conflicted. Shadow has been at the vets office for observation and I found out the IV'd and put in a cathrador. I'm afraid to see what the bill is since no one mentioned cost or asked about the extra procedures. Shadow is old. I don't want to kill her off needlessly, but I don't/didn't want to go to heroic efforts to save her either. My normal vet knows this. I also explained to the covering vet that Shadow is heavy and I'm pregnant and I won't have support over the weekend with help. But, I think I'm going to be home with a dog that can't walk and having to move her from room to room and can't go outside to go to the bathroom by herself. I'm feeling so conflicted on this right now.

I get back and find that the announcement about our organization changes just went out today instead of the middle to end of next week like I had been told/was expecting so had to deal with calls and emails and instant messages all day from my employees telling me how disappointed they are and wanting to make sure it was my choice, etc.

I'm feeling emotionally wiped out, completely tense and drained, my afternoon nausea is kicking in and I'm going to have to go out in the rain with a toddler to go pick up my dog who can't walk.

Oh My Shadow

My Shadow can't walk right now. I don't know what happened. I let her out when I got back from my genetic counseling consult (mandatory for anyone doing CVS) and she was outside for a long time. I kept looking for her since it was pouring down rain (so tired of the rain and we are supposed to have it at least through the weekend) and she was moving around and at one point just laying happily in the grass. Finally, I went searching for her and found her laying in the flower bed outside my bedroom and called her in. She got up to come and couldn't. I went out the help her and ended up carrying her in. I left her in one of the beds in my room and went to tend to Max and then brought her her dinner and she had tried to move closer to us and had vomited. I helped her get into her more comfortable bed and we both went to bed. Now, she's breathing heavy like she has to pee, but can't move and I don't know how to help her at this point. She's starting to get stressed/distressed. She's been bad before and could barely walk and rebounded, but now she can't seem to get her back legs under her. Oh God, I don't want to have to put her down and I've thought I would have to before and she rebounded, but I just don't know this time. If she still can't walk in the morning, I guess I'll have to. She has had a good long life, but I selfishly want it to be longer. Poor girl, her mind is still there, but her body is just not supporting her. I just forced some pain meds down her. Maybe that will help. Off to comfort her and cry a bit.

My silver lining

Amid all the tiredness, nausea, and vomiting, I need to remind myself often that this will all be worth it in the end. Max is my silver lining even if he did finally take a nap today and now is having trouble settling and going to sleep tonight. As an aside, I warn you to be careful of what you wish because it just might come true.

Scene: Me checking to make sure that Max was awake from his nap. I walk in his room and he's standing in his crib holding pages of a book he tore.
Max: Look momma, paper!
Me: Max, those are pages of a book. I've told you, we don't treat our books like that. We need to be more respectful. Don't tear the pages of your books anymore.
Max: Where's the tape? Go get tape. You can fix it, momma.

Scene: I'm wrapping up work and we are saying goodbye to Max's nanny.
Max: Momma, go to couch. Go lay down. Let's cuddle.
Me: I'd love to do nothing more.
(thank goodness he's loving this mommy cuddle time in front of the TV at night cause I don't think I could have managed much more tonight)

Scene: I'm using the toilet and Max is standing in front of me making faces to himself in the mirror.
Me: Max, did you have a poo yet today.
Max: No, just farts.

Scene: Max has been in his crib for at least half and hour and having trouble settling. I'm regretting wishing he'd take a nap since bedtime is so much easier when he's completely exhausted from no nap.
Max: Fresh diaper Momma. Fresh diaper Momma. Fresh diaper Momma
(heard through the monitor. I go investigate. He's got his PJ's off, but thankfully not his poo diaper.)
Max: I take of my PJ's.
Me: I see that.
Max: Stinky poo poo. Need fresh diaper.
Me: Thank you for not taking off your poo poo diaper.
(I change him. Was told he needed fresh PJ's too. Got him redressed in different PJ's and back in crib. Go put the poo diaper outside and wash my hands)
Max: MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA
Me: (going back into his room) What?
Max: You wash your hands. You take out poo bag and wash your hands.
Me: Yes, that's what I did. It's night night time. Now, go to sleep.

I go back to my room, still feeling completely miserable. Puke up a storm in my bathroom sink hard enough that the tears are running, there's nothing left in the contents of my stomach, and joy of all joy's (NOT) some minor urinary inconsistence. As bad as the barfing can be sometimes, it's like the poison of my gut is gone and I'm actually feeling better than I have all day.

I'm really trying to watch how much I tell Max that I'm tired, not feeling well, has a tummy ache because this pregnancy is actually going to be a significant part of this life to this point (9 months out of 36) and I want him to remember more than that. However, he's a smart cookie. Luckily, at least so far, I've only done minor barfs, not major pukes when he's been around so far. Again, thank goodness he is loving the momma on the couch cuddle time all to himself without doing chores, talking on the telephone, just cuddled next to him. He does get up to play and do things, but comes back frequently to snuggle and cuddle in and occasionally hurl himself at me while laughing and saying "I'm jumping" so I have to keep my eye on him. :)

Dr. H, the SR doc, said that most women feel significantly better after the SR so much so that they have a hard time taking it easy the week after the procedure. Plus, I'm sure it will help being out of the first tri. One month to go. Not that I'm counting or anything. And, praying that I will actually start feeling better at that point.

Same ole'

I'm around, but just don't have much to say that hasn't been said before. I'm getting everything done that I need, but nothing extra. The anti nausea is helping some, but not totally. Last night was lots of nausea/vomiting on top of taking it so I can image how horrible I would have felt without it.

January is "Respect Life" month in our church. Sunday was focused on "Right to Life". I'm sure they would be sad to know that because I respect life (mine, the other children, my existing child) right or wrong, I'm going to reduce from 3 to 2. Then, I got angry because "abortion" just isn't always as black and white. Then, I've just been sad. And, this is probably a whole separate post that I actually wrote in my head, but just don't have it in me to get out right now. My friend that will be taking me to the CVS and SR next month was siting beside me during the service and asked if I wanted to leave. I stayed. Regardless of what anyone else has to say or the judgments they may place on it me trying to carry triplets to term would just be a disaster waiting to happen on so many levels. I know this in my heart and am secure of the decision itself. Yet, I hear others judging me in my head (or maybe that's me judging myself) saying that's why you shouldn't do fertility treatment and it was my decision to put back three (crappy) embryos so I get what I deserve and need to reap the consequences (by not killing off one for the benefit of the entire family). Truly, while it was a passing thought, I never really thought it was a possibility that all three would take. Based on the donor history and just plain statistical odds, it was possible, just extremely rare possibility. While I don't like either option I'm currently faced with and would likely have regrets either way, I think I will have less regrets with sacrificing one now than to have all of them die in preterm labor or have permanent development issues for the rest of their lives because of my poor decisions.

I've been angry and disappointed in the OT clinic Max is supposed to start with this week. When I met with them and interviewed them, I was told they had plenty of openings for OT on Monday and Wednesday morning. When the funding went through and I finally got a hold of them (after several phone calls and emails), I was told they at Monday at 8 am and Wednesday at 8 am or 11 am available. I told them I would take the 11 am slot for Wednesday, but was upset and disappointed and maybe I should have pushed harder for exact times, but those three slots were less than ideal and were not "plenty" in my mind. I thought about how I could make an 8 am time work, especially since Noemi doesn't start until 8:30, and decided I just can't do it right now and told them as much. I just can't make it work right now, especially, not on a Monday morning where it would just be a too stressful way for us to start the week. I got an email back saying they had to "rearrange the preschool" time since we had talked (within the last two weeks) and I could appreciate how hard it was to coordinate all of this. At the moment, I'm just feeling lied to. I guess Max will just get the OT once per week right now, while I go back to the coordinator to explain the situation/complain and then figure out if they still get funding for 2 times per week if Max is only receiving services for once or if they only get paid for sessions he attend. They said they would try to "work it out", but it has still left me irritated when I was very clear from the beginning and would have kept searching for another place had they been upfront.

So, basically, same ole same ole. Life moves on. No problems associated with stopping meds last Friday. Not a tinge of pink on the TP, although I'm wondering if I may still have that yeast infection hanging on and will ask the OB to check (since I forgot at my last RE visit) when I'm in down the road. If I'm not posting as much, not to worry, just don't have much to say that hasn't already been said. Only so many times I can stand to complain about how tired I am and how sick I'm feeling.

Interesting Reactions

Just up in the middle of the night for a potty break and middle of the night feeding session. Having not quite figured out why some night I wake up starving and others not. I think it is random and has nothing to do with how much I have or have not eaten the previous day like a book I'm reading suggest.

Anyway, to the topic on hand....I've started telling a few people about 'being pregnant with twins' when the situation warrants and the reactions seem to vary depending on their own situation.

My sister who is feeling overwhelmed by her 3 children for the last year or so thinks I'm insane.

My neighbor* who only has one, whose husband has been out of town a lot this year for work, and struggles when 'doing it solo' and thanks God for school every day shuddered as she congratulated me. And, I always internally laugh when she talks about how hard it is when her husband is out of town, especially since she works in the entertainment industry as a make up person, and isn't working most of the time or at least not a regular 40 hour + traditional work week.

My old college friend who has 3 children laughed and congratulated me and told me to bring them all to Hawaii where they have been living for the last few years.

Just another sign that everyone filters things through their own history and often has nothing to do with you or your actual situation and more to do with theirs. And, while I'm not that great or comfortable of a liar, I can only imagine the reactions if I mentioned triplets and reduction.

* Wonderful woman who came over to talk for a few minutes (we were outside "getting mail" when Max and Shadow decided they could care less about the mail and wanted to hang out) before heading to the grocery store, picked up some milk for me since we hadn't made it yet, and invited us over for a simple dinner that I didn't think I would be able to eat and warned her, but took one of those anti-nausea pills that really do work thank goodness. And, since we spent almost the entire hour I was at her house with Max trying to convince her 6 year old that he need to share his toys with Max and that just because Max said "it's mine" he didn't really mean that and was not planning on taking it home, it was just a 2 year olds way of saying how much he liked the toy and wanted a turn playing with it...such that we were not able to complete one entire conversation I can see why she shudders at the thought of more (since it was trying), but conversely having siblings means that you 'have' to learn to share and get along since that is just the reality of it.

Vomit, Puke, Barf

Any one else see the irony in trying not to puke up anti-nausea medication?

I've been puking more, but overall (not counting tonight) nauseous less. The thing I find odd about pregnancy puke, at least for me, is that most often it isn't puking up the entire contents of my stomach. I could have just eaten something, then barf, but only liquid or acid comes up. Not always, but often. Just seems odd to me.

I was told my progesterone number was high enough that I could stop all meds tonight. I didn't think I was mentally ready earlier today, but I think I am tonight just a few short hours later. However, I did a quick search to make sure that the placenta really is supposed to pick up p4 production by 8 weeks and it does. However, I read something else interesting...one of the side affects of progesterone is a runny nose. I had never heard/read this before. But, I guess it explains why with both of my pregnancies (the ones that didn't end early that is) I have a runny, drippy nose. The rest of the time, my progesterone is so low it isn't an issue. The runny nose wouldn't be so bad except for often it is that which causes the gagging, nausea, and barfing. If my nose is dry, I feel better overall and won't vomit or barf. Isn't that interesting? Hmm, well, maybe it is just me that finds things like that interesting.

The benadryl and anti-nausea did the trick and I'm feeling tons better, just very, very, very tired.

Mr. No Creative Play

One of the comments from Max's development assessments that struck me as odd (think I have mentioned this before) was that he didn't engage in creative play because he didn't try to feed or put to sleep his stuffed animals. I explained to the assessor, that he does engage in plenty of pretend play, but just not those too activities. That didn't seem to impress her. Now, I'm not worried about this at all in Max. I think he is fine. I just found it so interesting because it seemed so gender specific. Before I had a child, I remember getting into discussions, debates, arguments about the whole nature vs. nurture. I think I might have even done a paper or two on it in college. I used to weigh much more on the nurture side. After having Max, I tend to lean more towards the nature side. The expression, "he's all boy" used to really irritate me. After having Max, I get it and have felt it to be true since he was an infant. I find it amazing and fascinating. Before a child, I used to feel more that a parents job was to mold and shape a child. I still believe that to a certain degree, but feel more that my job is to try to stay out of the way so that Max can be who he was meant to be by giving him the love and support and direction he needs.

Why do I bring this up now? Why am I up yet again in the middle of the night pondering something like this?

Max woke me up out of a sound sleep about 12:30 am because he couldn't find his "train milk". He had been using his cup as a train along the crib slats before bed hours earlier. In fact, Max can and does make almost anything into a train. Yet, no creative play or imagination in the works there (typed with a tad of sarcasm). Yes, yes, I know. Bad mommy. Letting her kid go to bed with milk. That coupled with my deplorable lack of routine and consistency around teeth brushing is deplorable. Understood. No need to harp on it or point it out. You can just mutter your breath about the permanent damaging I'm doing to my son if you can't help yourself. Like all of us, I'm just doing the best I can here.

At 2:40 ish, I hear this urgent "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" that doesn't stop until I get to his room to ask what was the matter (luckily or unluckily I was still awake and just thinking about trying to fall back asleep) to which I get "where's the witch?" Max loves snowmen of all shapes and sizes, but he has an avid interest in witches as well ever since Halloween. At this point, I've scooped him up and we are cuddling in the rocker as I ask him what witch, the neighbors witch on the door and explain yet again that it is put away for the year until next Halloween just like the Christmas tree (which he is still asking to have "put back together"). He said, yes. Then, what about the "Einstein witch" (from the Hansel and Gretel episode) "she went far far away". Yes, I agreed. She got really, really small and Rocket made wind and she blew far, far away. To which, he nestled in contently and let me rock him for a bit until it was back to the crib. Coincidental that we have been having lots of really heavy winds the last few days? I think not. During our last wind storm, he wanted to (and we did) go out for a walk to look for her to see if she would blow past. So interesting to see him try to make the connections and make sense of it all.

While I'm on the subject of Max, he's had a few (in my opinion) interesting melt downs lately. The other day, he was out walking with his nanny and Shadow while I finished up work and the "poo bag" Noemi had started to blow away. Max ran after it...thankfully stopping when it blew across the street...and had a meltdown over it. She brought Max in and he was still upset and started to cry again over dinner about it. I had Noemi laughing when I (on the sly) got another one and pretended to go out an catch it, which did appease him at the time. And, no he did not have a nap that day. Now, I can see his little mind working days later (even though he didn't bring it up) that if the bag can come back, maybe the mean witch can too. Sigh.

I'll have to get into the other meltdowns some other time if I remember cause I really do need to try to get back to sleep since the night is quickly away. And, apparently, Max is still awake.

A, B, C

A = HR 169 BPM CRL-1.45cm 7w6d
B = HR 178 BPM CRL -1.64cm 8w0d
C = HR 178 BPM CRL -1.73cm 8w1d

Today = 8w0d

Had u/s a day early because 1) I like to mix things up and the element of surprise and 2) I decided not to move sperm back to the bank because I found someplace that will store both sperm and frozen embryos (although I still need to get it all set up and organized) 3) Max has his first PT appointment tomorrow that I would miss unless I moved it.

Finally finished phase 1 of that big project I was working on only 3 days late and am on to phase 2. What a relief.

I've been feeling a bit better. I actually wondered if they all had died off earlier today because things had improved so much over the last few days. I still asked for and received a script for anti-nausea because I'm sure that things are going to go bad again at some point.

When they saw all three still and how strong they said now on to the next phase and I laughed and said, well, it's all ready set up, then they laughed.

Must go tend to the kid who is crying instead of sleeping.

Today wasn't awful

Just a quick post to say that today wasn't awful. I don't think I puked even once, although I did come close a few times. I was able to look at food without disgust and a few things actually sounded appealing. I got too many interruptions at work so didn't make as much progress today as I had hoped, but I got Max's PT scheduled, the plumbing got fixed, my PIO arrived, my CVS and SR got scheduled, I got a list of labs needed before each procedure and got my OB appointment changed so that they could be back in time, and I actually talked to a few friends on the phone. I still wasn't feeling perfect. I mean, I still "felt" pregnant, but it was just way, way better than I have been feeling that it wasn't completely awful.

Highlights and Lowlights

Highlights

Talking to my neighbor about my plumbing problem and having him tell me what he thought I could do so I could turn the water to my entire house back on until a plumber could come out. It worked, at least so far.

Talking to a plumber recommended by another neighbor who told me what he thought the problem was and what I should/could do so that I didn't loose the toilet in my room until a plumber could come out. It worked at least so far.

Keeping half an English muffin with light peanut butter on it and half a glass of milk down, at least so far.

Getting a hold of the pharmacy (after several calls and a left message that wasn't returned until I called back and was on the line with someone else) and having them send me more PIO for only $8 for shipping since there is just no way I can make the trip this week. I actually have no idea how much the entire order was at this point.

Almost making it to 80% complete on this work project that was due last Friday.

Finally talking to one of the SR docs, who seemed nice enough, is sending me information, and answered all of the questions I had at the time (I've since thought of a few more). And, gave me a recommendation/referral to CVS doctor. And, told me which weeks all of this stuff is supposed to happen in/by.


Lowlights

Having my bathroom, half my bedroom including both closets, the entry way into my house, and into my family room flood. This is a good 1/3 of my entire house.

Calling three different plumbing companies none of which had plumbers available in the next 24 hours, unless I wanted to pay triple rate -- NOT.

Noemi trying to tell me my house was flooded while I'm finally on the phone with the SR doc and while Max was screaming from his crib that he wanted to get up and wasn't going to take a nap today.

Extreme nausea and barfing on and off all afternoon in a house that did not have running water at the time and getting it in my hair.

Finally calling my OB's office for my first prenatal appointment and having to listen to the fact that whoever answered the phone was the grandmother of 15 year old triplets and how everyone needs to do what they need to do, but she couldn't imagine life without one of them and "which one you would choose". Great. Needed that today. NOT. And, trying to convince them that I did not need to see Dr. P urgently or this week, but I did have a few questions for her and could I get a quick phone consult. I was told the email her, which I did. First appointment is 1/31 in the afternoon.

Calling 3 different people, not getting a hold of any of them, left messages (in once case for the second time) to get services set up for Max now that funding has been approved. On top of waiting for the plumber, the OB's office, and the pharmacy to call back...all of which eventually did, but not until after 5 pm.

I'd cry my eyes out at the moment if I thought it would help. I'd take a nice warm relaxing bath if I didn't have this pluming problem and was advised by the plumber to minimize water usage (no baths, dishwasher, or washing machine). I'd eat the rest of this English muffin and drink the rest of this milk if I wasn't pretty sure I'd barf it all back up.

Instead, I guess I'll see if I can find something mindless to zone out with on the TV and hope that tomorrow is a better day. Or, maybe I'll just do my PIO shot, got to bed, and call it a day.

Excuse me, where's the restaurant?

Sunday was better than Saturday. Sometimes, I actually think this isn't so bad. It's just those "other" times. It really, really helps if I get to rest/nap for a few hours in the afternoon. And, I think I've found a few things that help like Altoids Cinnamon gum when I need to have my sense of smell over ridden. Or, taken Benadryl/Tylenol PM to clear up the drippy nose/sinus drainage that sets in and starts a lot of the gagging an vomiting. Or, am able to think of and find some protein or any food that I can tolerate enough to eat a bit. But, mostly, I just think sometimes are worse than others. I can go days where I seriously wonder how bad it will be going 9 months or at least a few weeks without brushing your teeth because it is a trigger and has often has me gagging and vomiting which seems to defeat the purpose. Or, I look at all food with disgust and know I should eat, but just can't seem to manage it. Or, something will appeal, I get it all ready, then can't eat it. I haven't been able to wear my retainers at night without trigging an episode, then just last night, it was fine. It just seems to be a bit hit or miss where sometimes, things really all add up to almost put me over the edge, other times where it just doesn't seem that bad. The only real trend is that afternoon and evenings are worse and harder, no matter what.

Saturday was on the worse end of the scale. Sunday was much improved (and not one poo diaper to set me off). The dishes got washed. We made it to church and a single mom's function before home for the much needed and appreciated nap.

Either way, I'm still mostly up and taking care of myself and Max. We made valentines for his cousin and my mom. We made pancakes. We rode his bike outside. Max played with his trains, and musical instruments, and easel. He's been into the markers on the white board and is a great little eraser. We spend time tickling and tumbling. We spent a good half hour or so with the car while he put his "luggage" (his Tomas the train backpack) in and out of the car. Or, playing on my bed or on the computer. And, sometimes, Max is watching TV and playing or cuddling with me. It's just sometimes, I'm doing all that feeling much worse than others.

Max can be kind of bossy. He's very good about letting you know what he wants. I often get a "no talking", "no singing", "talk, momma", "sing momma", "clap, momma".

It's funny. One of the things the assessor in his development evaluation seemed to harp on was that he didn't try to feed his stuffed animals or try to put them to bed. I explained that he just really isn't that into stuffed animals, but he does pretend play...it's just usually with me or the dog instead. Yesterday, when Max woke up, I was told that he got to sit in the rocking chair. When I went to sit on the floor, I was told, no, I needed to go to my bed and lay down. Really? Cool! After a few minutes, he came in and "climbed the ladder" (climbed up the bed and up me) and "down the ladder" for awhile. Then we played "sleep" where I was told when I could open and close my eyes. Then he played "sleep" with me. Every now and again, I would get a pillow. But, mostly, they were all his. See, who needs a doll or stuffed animal when they have me to pretend with as I mostly follow commands. :)

However, the funniest pretend Max has been doing is "Excuse me, where's the restaurant?". The other day, when we were outside and he was on his bike, I would tell him it was "over there" with a point. And, he would say, "Oh, over there? Thanks" and take off and two seconds later go through it all again. Yesterday, when out playing in the car, loading and unloading the luggage, my answer was "you go three streets down, make a left hand turn, and there it is on the corner on the right hand side" or some variation to that. And, Max would say "Oh, on the corner? Thanks?" so serious like, over and over and over again. For some reason, the whole pretend just tickles me a bit. Yes, after the 10th time, like anything, it does get old, but what are you going to do? Anyone else notice the Saturday response when I was not having a great day and my nice elaborate Sunday response when, while not feeling great, I wasn't feeling down right miserable?

Anyway, not looking forward to the work thing this week, but am looking forward to my house being cleaner and at least a bit more picked up. And, things aren't all bad all the time. There just is this underlining feeling of ick most of the time and really awful others.

ETA: One of the reasons I've been up in the middle of the night is that my neighbors have either gotten a new puppy or are watching a puppy. They don't seem to be able to hear the fact that the puppy is barking and crying and carry on something fierce, although they are much closer to said noise and commotion, than I. I love dogs, but am not a big fan of dogs relentlessly barking at any time of the day, but especially at night when I'm trying to sleep. I don't see why they just don't let them (they already had one dog who is now just over a year old) sleep inside. But, I guess all the barking done outside doesn't bother them who seem to be able to sleep through it and if the dogs are inside, you might get disturbed to let them out to avoid an accident inside. Sigh. My neighbors and I, as much as I like them, have very different idea on how dogs should be treated and cared.

And, once I'm awake, I have to go to the bathroom, get something to eat now that I'm pregnant, let my own dog out, and just be up a bit before I can settle back down. Plus, I'm going to bed really early because I'm so tired at the end of the day. I think I was asleep by 7:30 Saturday night and think I made it to almost 9 pm last night.

Ah, the dogs seem to be quiet for the moment, maybe this is my chance to try to get back into la la land.

Does the universe hate me?

Warning: Extreme negativity and bad attitude displayed in this post. Read at your own peril. You have been warned.

I have seriously wondered over the last week, especially yesterday, if the universe has turned on me and has decided to hate me. Yes, yes, I know. I'm blessed to finally be pregnant, what am I complaining about, and I should just shut the f-up. But, I have to say, that this morning sickness/fatigue of early pregnancy is really kicking my butt. And, the worse I feel, the more it seems like my normally mild mannered easy to care for son finds ways to make it worse.

There have been times over the last few days where I have felt really angry at the position I'm in and resentful at those sweet innocent little beans in their growing who did not asked to be placed in the position they have. Rightly or wrongly, I've convinced myself that if I were not carrying three, I would not be feeling as awful and things wouldn't be as hard as they are right now. And, I've wondered if that is just part of the grieving process and the emotions I need to go through to not get too attached since I know I'm going to have to kill one of them off soon for the betterment of then entire family. But, first, I must have them all grown and develop and get out (or almost out) of the first trimester, just in case, nature decides to take care of the situation. Anyone else here with me thinking I'm just not going to get that lucky? That makes me angry and resentful, the fact that I have to wait so long even if I understand the rational for it, especially because I'm feeling so physically awful while doing it.

Normally, Max poo's only once every 2 - 3 days. The last week, he's been having BM's at least twice a day, and only on my shift. Yesterday, it was 3 (or maybe it was 4) times. I know twice was during nap time (and, no, neither of us got a nap). The second time, he decided to take off his nappy instead of waiting for me. I guess the small blessing is he freaked out a bit when the poo got on his fingers (altering me to the situation). But, still poo was everywhere. He had to go straight to the bath. Then, I had to tackle the crib and bedding. I just got everything cleaned up when he decides to pee all over the tile floor and go "slipping mamma. I'm slipping" accompanied by laughter, splashing it all over himself who was just freshly out of the tub and everything else around. I really just wanted to sit down and cry. I know that your not supposed to get upset with kids for "accidents" while potty training, but I really don't think this was an accident. An experiment, yes, and accident, no. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, but Max doesn't seem to really mind the fact that I'm gagging and barfing while trying to clean him up. Yet, I also know that because I'm off, he's picking up on it and off a bit as well. Normally all of this would be a PITA, but not as awful because I wouldn't be physically revolted and the smell wouldn't bother me so. I'm used to poo...the dog kind, the human kind, and this is not something that normally bothers me. Right now, it is something that could easily put me over the edge.

Max is not a hitter and yesterday hit me 2 0r 3 times and Shadow once. No, it wasn't hard, but it's the principle. He was laughing and thinking it was a joke. I put him time out, which he hated the first time. A few hours later, he hit me again. I repeated to him that I don't like hitting, it hurts, and he laughed and started to do it again. I asked him if he wanted to go into time out again. He said yes, and ran into his room for a time out. What do you do with that?

Oh, and during that whole bath, cleaning the poo thing, guess what? I missed the call from the SR doc. How was I supposed to know she would call at an inconvenient time on a Saturday afternoon? Why oh why can't I just get an appointment time so I can make sure I'm available and not have to worry every time the phone rings it may be her again since she said she would 'try back later"? Ugh. See, the universe is against me.

I won't even tell you the state the house is in. It isn't good and it isn't pretty. And, the stack of unwashed dishes is sky high and I just don't think I can tackle them. Just the thought of it makes my stomach start turning and protesting again.

I broke my rule of never offering the TV to Max unless he asks for it I was desperate enough yesterday. And, he just sat on my lap and cuddled and we watched it together. Until the phone rang. And, despite his cry of "no phone mommy, no phone" I got up to make sure it wasn't the SR doc again. Sigh. It wasn't.

Anyway, I know I'll get through this. I know Max and I will get through this. We are just going through a ruff patch where I feel pretty bad and the worse I feel the more he picks up on it and acts out. All and all, it hasn't been fun and has me asking..."why? why now?" and "universe, what have I done that was so bad? why have you turned on me here".

I spent most of my pregnancy with Max not enjoying it and worried I'd have another miscarriage. I just wanted a do over and one I could enjoy. This one is the opposite, where I feel awful for wishing one or two of them would die off (and yet knowing I will not get that lucky) and not enjoying it for completely other reasons. I know I need an attitude adjustment here, but it's really hard when your tired and feeling lousy and nauseous and gagging/barfing and everything around you seems like it is making it worse, not better. I really hope that I get at least one take home child out of this because I'm pretty sure this is my last pregnancy.

Oh, mommy and more

The lights were off. I was in bed ready to fall asleep too early when I heard Max, who'd been in his crib for well over and hour and who I thought was asleep saying something. I thought about ignoring it, but got out of bed to go into my bathroom to hear what he was saying. He was saying he wanted to go 'pee pee in the potty. oh mommy, I go pee pee in the potty". Again, I thought about ignoring it, but decided I had better go check it out. He had his PJ bottoms and diaper off and was half naked. So, I got him out of the crib, he ran into the bathroom and went pee pee on the potty, was very proud of himself, and let me put another diaper and his pants back on and telling me "I'm tired. Want to take a nap". Good thing I did go check it out otherwise I would have been changing bedding in the middle of the night and with the crib tent on, it's not the easiest thing.

Other funnies from the night..."Oh, Deb-y, Deb-y, Oh, Deb-y". Alternated with "Oh, mommy, Oh, Mommy". He's starting to get that I have more than one name. He asked me where the Christmas lights were and asked me to "put the Christmas lights back together, mommy". Then, he wanted to watch Santa Clause. He still asks often where the Christmas tree is.

I'm feeling slightly better today and not as horrible as I have been tonight. Not great, but better. Yesterday was awful hard and I felt horrible all day with after days of feeling worse and worse. I actually had a blog entry all written in my head titled "Angry and Resentful". It may still get written at some point, but I had a good night sleep (with another weird dream...about how my dentist gave me a scooter to zip around town in except it wasn't anything like my IRL dentist who is a bit older than me, female, with two grown kids...this dentist was a young hottie. And, I'm afraid of motorcycles and have never even sat on one before let alone driven one.) and was able to eat something small every few hours (mostly peanut butter toast) so I didn't really start feeling bad until evening and even that wasn't as bad as it has been.

I made calls today. Called both docs offices. I guess scheduling SR consults isn't as easy as I thought so good thing I got around to doing it.

The first place I gave a bunch of information some of which I thought was a tad weird like height and weight (only shaved 10 lbs off, couldn't help myself), if I had ever had an abortion, and how many pregnancies I had had, and my type of insurance. Oddly, I was not asked how many I was carrying and what I wanted to reduce to. That doc apparently is only in the office on Wednesday and Thursday, will not get the message until then, and will decide if he sees me or not. If I haven't heard from them by next Friday, I should call and see if the doc will grace me with a consult. I wasn't that impressed and will not be surprised if he will not see me because of my weight. I guess his stats are so good because he cherry picks his cases.

The second place was friendlier, but same drill. The person took a lot of information, but more normal questions like my age, how far along I was, who referred me, how many I was pregnant with and what I wanted to reduce to, (after saying triplets and previously had given my age) did you use donor eggs (ah, yes), how many pregnancies, children, how far along was I on my m/c, etc. I was told the doctor would call me back, maybe even today yet. I didn't hear back yet.

I also called my OB's office, but forgot they close early on Friday afternoons.

7w0d

Assuming this pregnancy continues to survive, and I have no reason to believe that it isn't, I am officially 7 weeks today. I thought I might have seen a pink tinge on the tp the other day, but assume it was the lighting or my imagination. Oddly, or not so oddly actually, I feel a little more gross all day and tired than my pregnancy with Max. Although, like my pregnancy with Max, afternoons and evenings tend to be the worst time of day for me. I'd love nothing better than to have no responsibilities this evening and I'd stop work and go lay down. What I will do is try to finish up this one thing I'm working on for work, go take care of Max and give him dinner while trying not to barf at the smell, and fake it with him until bedtime. Gosh, that seem too many hours away at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be pregnant and all that, but well, having too many beans growing at a time does make one a bit weary.

I was thinking the other day how it already seems like my stomach has expanded and my clothes are getting a bit snug and how, even if I were going to try to carry three to term, which I'm not, I don't see how there can physically be enough room and I'm not a skinny minny. I think two will be just cramped enough.

But, in the mean time, it's zapping the extra life out of me while creating the life of others.

One of those nights

Last night was one of those nights where you seem to be up for some reason more than you are sleeping. I'll spare you the hour by hour breakout. My cat did not endear himself to me when finally I was getting some unbroken sleep and Max and I were both sleeping in and he decided to start walking over me and meowing. Near as I can tell he was up and lonely and figured it was time for me to get up. Ugh! It goes without saying that I'm barely even up and still/already tired, but that's par for the course these days no matter how much sleep I've gotten or not.

All extra energy these days is going towards work and getting Max's services set up from the regional center. Not much left over after that.

Other than that pretty much same ole same ole. Made no calls to docs. Vomiting on occasion, at least once a day. And, changing a poo diaper has never bothered me much, but ... oh my...it's taken all I had and a few breaks the last few days ... to avoid having to clean up a vomit mess in addition to the poo.