Saturday, February 02, 2008

On my mind

I almost blew my record of not vomiting in my car today. Ironically enough, I was running out to pick up the refill of the anti-nausea med at the time. Instead, I was able to quickly jump out of the car and just spent 5 minutes barfing on the front lawn. Not a highlight of my day for sure. The only good news, per se, is I don't think any of my neighbors were about and saw the event.

I'm getting amazed at how awful I can feel most of the time, still, again, and it feels like almost always. Awful enough that I've actually had the thought lately that if this pregnancy completely fails for some reason, I'm good with having a family with just Max. I never felt that way while ttc for those many months that led to DE, but am pretty sure I'm just done no matter the outcome of this cycle....good or bad. Sure, I'd do an FET just to make sure the two pity freeze embryos really are bad and wouldn't make it, but that would be it, it, it.

I think the reality that one or more of these growing babies are not just going to die off on me and have been having thoughts of "OMG, what the hell have I done". Even with reducing to twins, I'm a bit freaked out about how hard and crazy life is going to become with twins with a toddler.

On the other hand, I'm trying to come to terms that I'm really going to have to move to live in help. I keep having these fantasies that it really won't be THAT bad and I can do it with just day help. It's hard enough for me to have someone in my house during the day. Having someone here all the time is kind of freaking me out a bit. Probably, this is a whole post in and of itself. However, I personally know two local SMC's who had an older child and then had twins and both insist that not only is live in help a complete necessity, that it is needed almost 7 days a week for at least the first year. I respect them both too much not to believe and trust them on this. But, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I don't want to have to share my house with another adult any more than what I have. This is just a huge stresser for me.

I've been sleeping a lot this week, including through the night with just quick wake ups to use the potty, let the dog out/in, and/or go check on Max when he's needed me. Too tired and sick to check the computer before bed or during a middle of the night waking. Pretty much, I'm putting Max to bed and going to bed myself. Sadly, even after way more sleep, I still wake up tired and wanting more. One of the really good things about being asleep so much is that it's pretty much the only relief I've been getting from the nausea/vomiting. I'm getting a little worried (about spinal binafia) when I think about how long its been since I've been able to keep my prenatal vitamin down. But, I can only do the best I can.

I'm getting done the basics like work, which has been busy doing turnover of my old job and starting to pick up pieces of my new one. I'm taking care of Max although feeling extremely blessed that he wants nothing more than to cuddle with me on the couch and watch the normally more limited TV time. I actually got ordered to go lay in my bed for a period of time last night. Granted, it only lasted 11 minutes, but hey...I am to please and complied. The good news/bad news is that Max has been back to napping this week. Good because this is good for him and he needs the sleep. Bad because bedtime has been harder and he's pretty much not settling in and falling asleep until 8 pm which is a full hour after he's been put in the crib. Many of the antics and stalling tactics are as amusing as they are annoying like calling me back to tell me that he hurt his mouth and needs kisses; he's hurt his toe and needs kisses; to tell me the plot line of a show that we watched on TV; etc. He's also been taking off his PJ's, sometimes including his diaper. A call out telling me that he needs to use the potty is one that should not be ignored because it usually means he has stripped and is standing there naked. Tonight, he was topless and I was told he wanted a fresh shirt because the other one was wet. Last night, I didn't check on him until 2 am, cause I was just asleep as soon as he was quiet, and found him sound asleep sans jammies (but with a diaper thank goodness) and I just covered him with the blanket and went back to sleep with only a passing thought of trying to redress him figuring that it didn't seem to be bothering him in the least.

Okay, I should probably try to eat something and head back to sleep. Too bad food is so unappealing right now. I just settle for least revolting as possible and hope it stays down and try to get at least some protein in during a given day. Blah, it would be really nice to start feeling better soon.


Laura in L.A. said...

Debbie, I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I can't even imagine. I hope, hope, hope that you get past this point as soon as possible, and feel normal again soon.

Love, Laura

Anonymous said...

You are almost at the second semester. Just a few more weeks until you feel 100% better! A twin/multiple pregnancy is like a marathon. I found that the first trimester was difficult and then the last month or two was difficult; just when I felt like I hit a wall, my delivery was around the corner. Once you have your babies in your arms, you'll forget all about the very difficult pregnancy. It's like you have amnesia. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Hang in there! Nancy in AK

Katrina said...

You know, I felt like you have been feeling: if this pregnancy didnt work out, I wouldn't do it again. I actually felt that way after Eliana was born too as horrible as that is, but the Reglan (lactation drug) I think was the cuase. Anyway, this current pregnancy was so very scary at the beginning with the blood clot and I felt it just wasn't worth it again because I could DIE, but honestly, I don't feel that way now.
Of course, I can say that now that I have reached 24 weeks and this guy would hopefully survive whenever they take him, but I have been reminded about how much I love being pregnant, and how much I want another child...and well, you might feel that way too, later on.

That being said, I think there is no reason to wonder about that, because it sounds like your babies are doing great. I can't comment on raising a toddler and baby twins since I have not had that experience, but I would agree that you should listen to the advice of those who have been there before. Having live-in help will be hard at first, but I think it will pay off in your sanity! :)

Anonymous said...

There are lots of au pair programs in the U.S. For a very affordable rate, you get a live in nanny from another country (usually a young woman in her early twenties) who wants to experience the U.S. for one year. You provide room and board and a small stipend. There are a set number of hours she is allowed to work per week. I have had friends who have used au pairs and loved the program.

clueless carolinagirl said...

I understand about privacy and all,but imagine the relief of having someone there so you can run out for bread and milk, etc. without bringing 3 kids along all the time. You're mah hero--I find it hard enough to work and raise two with my husband!!!